Sometimes my head gets caught in the past, and I have to remind myself that I am not there anymore.
Today was a rough day. I had gotten more unwanted text messages from my ex. It really upset me, I was furious that he even bothered to text me in the first place.
I carried on with my day anyway, even though I didn’t really feel like leaving the house. But at the Ark Aid Street Mission, and The New School of Colour, it has it’s way of melting those negative emotions. I get surrounded by friends and support, doing art, listening to music, socializing, and laughing.
Afterward I went to a friends place and hung out. We talk about art, and music.
Art, music and laughter. It’s what I love. Those three things have helped me heal throughout the year.
I came home and watched Kung Fu Panda 2, which struck a cord. I’m having trouble letting go of the past. At church I pray for the Creator to take this rage from me. A friend told me once that the Creator doesn’t give exactly what asked, but opportunities. So these texts messages could have been an opportunity I am not quite ready face. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth.
I think I’ve been hurt enough. I’ve tried to forgive my ex and be civil numerous times. Even to be just friends. Each time I just get stabbed in the back by his immature slandering. He says my teeth are crooked. My body isn’t perfect, I don’t have big breasts or a big bubble for an ass. I get accused of being a crackhead whore.
If that’s what he thinks, than he can go find someone with bulging boobs, perfect teeth, and a bubble butt. Leave me alone! Move on!It’s been over a year, wtf?!
Must I continue to go through more verbal abuse every time he cannot take no for an answer? Must I experience more pain every time I try to forgive?
I keep hearing how forgiveness is the answer. Or, How can I expect the Creator to forgive me if I cannot forgive others myself?
It’s an on going struggle, that I have not figured out yet.
But what stuck out to me in the movie, Kung Fu Panda 2, was the quote –
Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who you choose to be!
Perhaps the reason I haven’t moved forward, is because I’m too busy looking behind.
I got to quit letting little things like a text message wind me up. Focus on moving forward, my ex is my past. I cannot let my past stop me from achieving what I want to achieve, or interfere with the present.
I have faith I will have my children in my life again. I don’t believe that my ex “has to” be a part of it.
As for this whole forgiveness thing, I don’t know. I just hope that one day I will figure it out, and I won’t need a wall of anger for defense. I don’t trust my ex, he lost that a long time ago.