It’s been a rough day

Sometimes my head gets caught in the past, and I have to remind myself that I am not there anymore.

Today was a rough day. I had gotten more unwanted text messages from my ex. It really upset me, I was furious that he even bothered to text me in the first place.

I carried on with my day anyway, even though I didn’t really feel like leaving the house. But at the Ark Aid Street Mission, and The New School of Colour, it has it’s way of melting those negative emotions. I get surrounded by friends and support, doing art, listening to music, socializing, and laughing.

Afterward I went to a friends place and hung out. We talk about art, and music.

Art, music and laughter. It’s what I love. Those three things have helped me heal throughout the year.

I came home and watched Kung Fu Panda 2, which struck a cord. I’m having trouble letting go of the past. At church I pray for the Creator to take this rage from me. A friend told me once that the Creator doesn’t give exactly what asked, but opportunities. So these texts messages could have been an opportunity I am not quite ready face. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth.

I think I’ve been hurt enough. I’ve tried to forgive my ex and be civil numerous times. Even to be just friends. Each time I just get stabbed in the back by his immature slandering. He says my teeth are crooked. My body isn’t perfect, I don’t have big breasts or a big  bubble for an ass. I get accused of being a crackhead whore.

If that’s what he thinks, than he can go find someone with bulging boobs, perfect teeth, and a bubble butt. Leave me alone! Move on!It’s been over a year, wtf?!

Must I continue to go through more verbal abuse every time he cannot take no for an answer? Must I experience more pain every time I try to forgive?

I keep hearing how forgiveness is the answer. Or, How can I expect the Creator to forgive me if I cannot forgive others myself?

It’s an on going struggle, that I have not figured out yet.

But what stuck out to me in the movie, Kung Fu Panda 2, was the quote –

Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who you choose to be!

Perhaps the reason I haven’t moved forward, is because I’m too busy looking behind.

I got to quit letting little things like a text message wind me up.  Focus on moving forward, my ex is my past. I cannot let my past stop me from achieving what I want to achieve, or interfere with the present.

I have faith I will have my children in my life again. I don’t believe that my ex “has to” be a part of it.

As for this whole forgiveness thing, I don’t know. I just hope that one day I will figure it out, and I won’t need a wall of anger for defense. I don’t trust my ex, he lost that a long time ago.

 

 

 

 

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By pooks82

The journey continues

Just thinking. I’m always thinking, or over thinking.

I am grateful for the time I’ve been given. A year without my ex, and C.A.S telling me what to do, and me being stuck in the middle trying to please them both.

Within this last year, I have been on a journey of transformation. I’m not quite there yet. But I do feel like I’m getting closer to the next step I will need to take.

Such as taking on my responsibilities. I could keep putting them off, but that will get me nowhere. Or just get me sick. I’ve recently gotten an eye infection in both eyes. I don’t know. A part of me is on strike. I can hear my ex in my head ordering me to get back into the kitchen like a bitch. But if I want my kids to come home, even if it’s just the weekend, I will have to fight all the negative shit going on in my head. Every doubt, every insult. Overcome it all and prove to myself that “I AM CAPABLE.”

Tomorrow I need to hand in my review to First Nation Housing, to see if I am still eligible. It will be a year I’ve been here, in a three bedroom house by myself. This court thing just keeps dragging on.

When my Ontario Works finances come through sometime next week, I can finally start getting things ready for school.  Of coarse I need money in order to begin to do anything. So things have been on a stand still. I need money to buy an E:Drive so that I can gather my art into some kind of computer formatted portfolio. Then I can call a pre-admission counselor more prepared. I can show them what I can do, and they can point me in the right direction.

Job searching has been put on hold. I need to copy my resume either onto a disc, or E:Drive so that I can print off more copies to hand out. Ahem, more money will needed in order to do so.

I still struggle with believing in myself. Others believe in me more than I do, and I appreciate it. Sometimes I wish I could see what they see.  I seem to able to lift others, but when it comes to myself that’s a different story. I get into a habit of neglecting myself.  And I have “supposed” family members that accuse me of being selfish. I am the absolute opposite.Everything I do is for somebody else. Including my art. I get rid of a lot of negativity through my art, so why the hell would I want to keep it? Of coarse I give it away, or sell it. That’s like holding onto the past, which I don’t want to do anymore.

The past. It has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Things could be fine, then bam! Something tries to pull you back into it. Such as a text message from the ex. I am not interested in talking to him. Unless my anger dissipates, no thank you. I am not ready, and you cannot make me.

Plus I don’t think a friendship is possible. Been there, tried that, numerous times.  Talking to him is impossible without him bringing up “us”, and how things “use to be” before the kids.  Or he’s got his brain stuck between his legs,  that’s all he wants from me. No thank you. Pablo Picasso once said that women are either door mats or goddesses. I made my choice. I will not go back. The answer will always be “no”, and I highly doubt a friendship is possible. So yeah, I wish he’d just let me move on.

I feel like I get caught in a web of chains sometimes, and I have to somehow break them. My journey doesn’t consist of “lumps” in the road”, or a wall that I stand there and stare at. It’s trying to break away from the control that delusional humans seem to think they have. This includes agencies such as C.A.S. They think they have the right to judge. They think to they have the right to say what is right and wrong. Too many people try to play “God”. And I am one of those people that is trying to break free from it with a big “Fuck you!”.  – Pooks

By pooks82

Live Life

 

I had gotten this tattoo about a year ago. It says “Live/Life”. Which is what I intended to do.

I’m somewhat doing just that. But I still struggle with fear. My tattoo doesn’t say “Live in fear.”

I guess I am just trying to remind myself that. Here I am after a year of job searching, and still no job. Thinking about heading back to school, but too scared to take the first step.

Why is that? I failed the first time around I tried going to College, and that was a decade ago. I’m afraid to fail again. The same goes with job searching, I get interviews no problem, but than I blow it. It’s like I do it deliberately. I’m afraid to let down employers. I’m afraid to let down teachers.  I’m afraid to let people down period.

So it’s that mentality I need to break away from. It’s like engraved in me or something.

Growing up in a foster home with a mom that never really accepted me. I use to try so hard to get her approval. It’s that mentality.

I carried that habit of thinking with me as an adult. With relationships that became abusive. I’d be passive, and constantly trying to make everyone happy. Everyone but myself. Even with C.A.S, I busted my ass to be their idea of perfect. No matter what, nothing was good enough. I’d become like a robot, just doing what people say. I lost individuality.

So yeah, there’s still some screws lose in my head I guess. I am not perfect. The hardest critic on me is myself, and I’m still doing it with this fear to fail.

I try to tell myself that if I do mess things up, at least it will be a learning experience.

But no, verbal abuse continues to echo within my head. My own supposed mom calling me a “Fuck up.” Or remembering how she’d treat me, as if I were incapable or stupid. It’s like an inner battle for my self-esteem.

Then her sisters act like I am forsaken because whatever she is gossiping about.

It hurts, family does not do that.

Honestly I think this supposed “mom” of mine is just jealous. I didn’t stay in a relationship I was unhappy with for 30 years like she did. I have a gift, and I’m going for it.Or at least, trying to.

I get told that I should be more realistic. I don’t see the big deal, it is my life to live, not theirs. I know it’s not going to be easy. But art is the talent I’ve been given, and clearly I am meant to do something with it.

I’m getting a bit off topic here. Live/ Life. Even though I am coming out of my shell. I am becoming more courageous and open. I still have a fear to fail. I think about it, and it’s ridiculous. Who am I trying to please now?! And why?As long as I’m happy with myself, and have faith that no matter what, The Creator has got it all under control. Why am so worried?

I don’t know. Sometimes I just need to stop and think about it. I constantly have to remind myself, especially whenever I get lost within my thoughts and emotions.

I am very in tune with my emotions, very expressive. That’s another thing my mom and her sisters do not like about me. Yes, it can be offensive, blunt and rude. But who are they to judge? They are no God.

That’s what I like about The New School of Colour, going to my church, and the band; Slipknot. What they all share that same quality of being non-judgmental.

Whatever, I don’t want to live so uptight and serious. I believe we are meant to enjoy life while we are here, so live it.

One of these days I will face this fear head on. I’ll have to if I want to keep moving forward.

Even though life may appear distilled, I am still going forward wither I am ready to or not.

I say distilled because my clock is backwards. I am having trouble sleeping at night, and I sleep for hours during the day. Ever since an episode with bugs I cannot sleep without light. Even though I no longer have a bug issue in my home, sleep is still an problem.  So I am a bit of an insomniac. More challenges I’ve yet to conquer.

Anyway, don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life. I must admit, within this past year, I am enjoying the freedom away from control freaks. Now it’s just a matter of getting them and every insult they’ve ever made out of my head. – Pooks

 

By pooks82

My Testimonial

Before the New School of Colour I was in a very dark period in my life. I had experienced two abusive relationships, one after the other. Sure I had gotten out of the last one, but it came with a price, my ex not returning our children home. This led to serious depression. I was suicidal. I’d lay in bed starving myself, and just letting myself rot. I believed all was hopeless.

Friends and even a family member spoke of The Ark Aid Street Mission. So I started to go there for dinner. At least survive and exist.

During one of the dinners I over-heard a couple of people talking about an art program; The New School of Colour.

I have neglected my skill ( or talent) for a long period of time. Just from being in controlling relationships. I use to be so focused on pleasing everybody else, but myself. I was trying to be “perfect” in their eyes. Doing so, I felt like a robot. I had lost my own individuality.

So I decided to check out the New School of Colour, and I’ve been involved ever since.

I like that no one is judged, and everyone is accepted. I like the diversity within the group. The members that attend range from elders, children, university students, people with either physical or mental issues, people struggling with poverty and housing, addictions etc. None of that matters at the New School of Colour. Even though each individual is so different, we all enjoy to do the same thing and that is to create.

I think I have made some positive changes since I started the program. I was an introvert that kept to myself prior to discovering the New School of Colour. Now I’ve blossomed into a social butterfly so to speak.

I’ve been using art as a form of therapy, expressing the negative emotions into my art. Doing so allows me to turn the negative into a positive.

I’ve gone from feeling hopeless to someone who has hope, faith and dreams. Art saves and I am proof.

I believe I was meant to re-discover my passion. I can’t imagine where I would be (if I would even be) if Jeremy had not created the New School of Colour.

The New School of Colour is like a family. We encourage, teach, and inspire each other. We also support each other on a personal level, such as keeping other safe. For example: Walking each other home or to the bus stop.  It is a place where I feel completely comfortable to be myself.

So far my art has been in 3 art shows. I’ve sold 3 pieces, and I’m starting to create a fan base. I would have never thought I’d be experiencing and accomplishing what I have within the last year. I am blown away and extremely grateful.

My dream is to be inspiring, and to become a multi-media surrealist artist. I also want to be able to help others that are or have experiences what I have when it comes to abuse. Thanks to Jeremy Jeresky for giving me the opportunities to accomplish all these things.

I will be volunteering in a New School of Colour workshop which will involve children, and possibly women, from the Women’s Community House. The Women’s Community House is a shelter that aids the needs of abused women and children. The workshop will take place at The Ark Aid Street Mission, on March 18th, 2012 from 10am – 4pm. I look forward to it. It is my chance to give back to the community.

Mentally and emotionally I am in a better place than what I use to be last spring. I am now taking on more leadership roles and doing what I can to lift the spirits of others.

I hope to see the New School of Colour continue to grow and have the same effect on others lives as it has mine.  – Pauline King Shannon

By pooks82

Introduction 2 Pooks

I’m new at this, and I’m trying to figure this out.

My name is Pauline King Shannon, a.k.a Pooks.

I live in London, Ontario. In a 3 bedroom house by myself. I’ve been waiting a year for my children to return.

I’ve tried job searching, but that isn’t going very well. Everybody wants experience, or current references. Two things I do not have since I have been isolated for a good 7 years in abusive relationships.

so, I am living off your taxes. I get $225 p/ month, and that is suppose to  last me all month and pay for my water and gas bills. Welfare pays partly for my hydro.

Like I said, job searching isn’t going so great. So I am pondering the thought of returning to school. Possibly taking Graphic Design. My passion is art. I want to become a multi-media surrealist artist. But my skills got to be good for something to pay the bills.

I participate regularly in an art program called the New School of Colour which is located in the basement of a soup kitchen – The Ark Aid Street Mission. That place is having an extreme impact on my life.

I use to be suicidal after my ex took off with our children and never returned them home.That was over a year ago.

Now, I am a completely different person. I have hopes, dreams, faith, friends, support.

This is only the beginning of my rise.

– Pooks

By pooks82