Shedding Skin

Lastnight I discovered my cousin is experiencing an abusive relationship. So my thoughts and prayers right now go to her and her child.

I hope that she listens to the people that love her, and she does get her and her baby out. No one deserves to be treated that way. Wither the abuser is drunk or not, alcohol is just an excuse.

I don’t want her to make the same mistake I made, giving my abuser the benefit of the doubt, it cost me my children the next time I stood up for myself and said no.

It’s been almost a year later and my ex still doesn’t get it. I cannot “be friends” with him. That’s like letting a kidnapper keep in touch. Plus you cannot change a cheetahs spots. I know better now, I know he hasn’t changed, no matter how many times he says he has.

I hope my cousin has the courage the strength to do what is best for her child. Unlike me, I cowarded and put my children and myself at risk when I let my ex return while he had a restraining order.

I know it’s scary, and these type of people manipulate you into thinking they are all that you have. No one else cares. You get isolated from the people that do care, the ones that actually try to help. For example, my ex use to talk to me and say that C.A.S was just trying to break our family apart. So I’d lie to the workers, as if it were my ex and I against the world. I wanted to believed  him. I wanted to believe I actually meant something to him.

I was a fool. I never meant anything to him. I look back and realize just how fucked up shit actually was. When we first “got together”. He was just suppose to be a one night stand. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, heck I just got out of court from a previous abusive relationship. We do it one night, and suddenly he thinks he’s in love. And he pushes and pushes to move in with me right after. THAT IS FUCKED UP!

I was just something he used for money and sex. I got pregnant with my son, and his true colours were made clear. He didn’t believe he was his child, so him and his friends started with the verbal abuse. I was called a slut, skank, whore, crackhead, etc. He even broke into my apartment once. I lived in an apartment building on the second floor. He climbed up and broke in because he thought he would “catch me in the act.” Wrong! I was in bed asleep.

Our relationship was off and on. Numerous times I tried to get out of this shit on my own. I’d get harassed by through phone calls. Once a C.A.S worker was there and witnessed this happening. Him calling repeatedly. And leaving rude slandering messages on my voice-mail.

But I kept trying to “work it out.” Even when 6 days before our son was born he was fucking someone else.

I keep hearing the same shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t even think he truly knows what those words mean.

Years go by, things are fine whenever I have money in the bank. Whenever I didn’t, he’d take off to play with his “boys”. in their gay little “clubhouse”. So alot of the responsibility was on me. Dealing with the workers, raising our son. Where the fuck was he? Getting drunk and high with “the boys”.

I had gotten pregnant with our daughter. So I would be left by myself, and he would take our son to see “the boys”. I barely ever got to hang out with my son anymore. I should have seen how things were dividing then. This one time he said we were going to his parents farm. Turned out he just meant him and our son.

He has said he was going to make breakfast, of coarse that wasn’t happening. He was sleeping in until 2pm in the afternoon like he usually does. So I was like, never-mind, I’ll do it. At the time he was sleeping in the basement. He came up the stairs really cranky and heading out for a smoke. He than made a remark on how I shouldn’t leave the children in the living-room unsupervised. Shortly after he made a sexist remark telling me to get back into the kitchen. So yeah, that pissed me off. I tried to stand up for myself, told him if he was going to be like that he can go live with his brother.

I was assaulted when our daughter was a baby. He was holding her while he assaulted me. He grabbed my throat, squeezed it, and threw me into this wicker shelving unit we had in the hallway. I remember crying and saying “what are you doing?!” He then grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into the living-room. Pinning me onto the futon mattress that was laid out on the floor. I scratched his face, to try to get him off. He got up and took our daughter with him to the neighbors. She was being breastfed, and was hungry. So she was crying. We both called the police. He tried to say it was me that was crazy. As he usually does.

So he wound up in jail. And had a restraining order filed against him. He broke that restraining order a week after it was set by calling me. I remembered what happened the last time I tried to be assertive, so out of fear, I let him return.  I had gotten pregnant again and miscarried.

Here I was trying to be a super human. Handle all the resposibilites. Please the ex, please the workers with lies. Trying to keep everyone happy. But I was falling apart.

My ex didn’t even include me in family outing. I was treated like a bitch to watch over the stroller and bags. While he goes and has fun with the children.

My house got disrespected. Garbage and clothes all over the floor. I was expected to do everything.

I got so much disrespect I shut down. I just quit. I used to internet to ignore EVERYTHING! Since things weren’t going the way he liked it, he broke up with me, and finally started to go back to his own apartment. Yes, he has his own place that whole time, but just would not leave my place. We agreed that he would have the children on weekends. And he’d come by weekdays after the kids got out of school and daycare. After a while, he’d take the kids to his friends place during that time. So I never really saw my children, only in the morning and at bedtime. It was heart breaking.

Of coarse his hormones kicked in, and he’d ask if I’d want company that night. This happened numerous times, each time he was shot down. He blames the internet. Which he does, he blames everybody and everything but himself. Pointing the finger everywhere else. So he hacked my face book account making it so I cannot access it. Heaven forbid I socialize with anybody else. I created fake accounts, as a male only adding females. Thought maybe he wouldn’t be so insecure about it. He hacked those too. He accused me of mimicking his personality. He wishes.I was mimicking Corey Taylor damn it! Glad I did, I’ve learned some things doing so.

Since all his attempts to get his dick wet failed, to get back at me, being the vindictive immature ass that he is…The weekend came and I brought the children to his place, and returned home. Thinking they would return home on Sunday. They never did.

Those false accounts have been shut down. I feel I no longer need them.  I used them to make others laugh. Just posted jokes and sarcasm. It kinda helped to make others laugh even though I wasn’t feeling so great myself. I’m pretty sure my own new face book account is safe from being hacked.

I’ve been waiting a long time for my children to return. Tolerating more false accusations created by my ex. He’s even got C.A.S believing I’m mentally unstable. I did, I snapped at a worker once. I yelled at her. I tried to tell her the truth. But what does she do? She twists my words and puts them into quotations in court documents. Such as the words “Come clean”. Come clean as in the TRUTH! Yeah, I yelled at her, for putting my kids at risk and having them live with my abuser.

It’s not over yet. I’ve been on a spiritual journey since the kids were taken and I sank into depression and suicidal thoughts. Something was there when I thought I was alone. Go ahead and call me crazy.  But I believe the Creator saved me, and led me to the Ark Aid Street Mission and The New School of Colour.

If anything, it is the beginning of my rise.

I have family members that dislike that I am so in-tune with my emotions. I was given this spirit and soul for a reason. As well as the story of my journey. I am to share it, and I will in as many forms as I can.  – Pooks

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By pooks82

3 comments on “Shedding Skin

  1. Hey Pauline,
    This is an incredibly brave and powerful post! I had wondered in the past what your story was, but I wanted to wait for you to offer to tell it. Too many people are nosy and like to hear shocking stories, focusing on the facts, without really listening to what the experience felt like for the teller. You have gone through a lot of abuse and I don’t think I would have been able to survive what you have! Give yourself credit for that everyday – you are a survivor! Telling your story adds to your strength and the more you can tell your truth, the more the truth will eventually set you free, I believe that. I really don’t understand how C.A.S. can leave your kids with your ex when he’s clearly irresponsible! I thought they favored the mother? Anyways, these are logistics and details and the point of this post is that you wrote from your heart a story that I imagine is not easy to tell. How do you feel having written this? I’m so glad you are blogging!

  2. I feel some weight was lifted. It’s not over yet. There’s still more layers to unravel so to speak. Even though it kind of helped me, expressing it and getting it out there, I felt I had to share what I’ve experienced for others. That maybe sharing my own experience will help someone else and prevent (or even end) more pain in someone elses life. Another selfless act. I’m doing it for others than for myself. No one should feel that way. So powerless, hopeless and isolated. No one deserves that.

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