I cannot sleep. I’ve fallen into this pattern where I cannot sleep at night, but I sleep all business hours away. I get nothing done, and I just get really disappointed with myself.
I have a chance to see my kids again. C.A.S had left me a voice mail message saying that they want a home visit; they had received my court papers which stated what I wanted. If not full custody, than I want my weekends back. This would mean I would have to clean my house. I made some attempts, but the motivation seems to not be there. I do want to see my kids again, I do love them dearly. But a part of me thinks I do not deserve to be a parent.
Sure it was me that got involved with all the programs and resources. I knew I needed help. But I have been hiding a secret, something that eats me up inside. Every time I remember it, It’s like I relive it, and I am showered with guilt. Asking myself, how could I be so stupid TWICE?!
I am haunted by a horrific memory that makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be a parent. I just tried to lie down and go to sleep, but this memory replays in my mind. It literally breaks me down into tears each time.
My ex was in jail. So I was living with our two children on our own. Dakota was just a baby, Anakin was a toddler. Anakin had started to get these uncontrollable tantrums. Once during these tantrums I tried to get him to look at me. It’s like he wasn’t even there, he was locked within himself. It scared me.
During these tantrums Anakin would throw things down the stairs. His game system, VCR, his desk. Whatever he could. He broke the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs.
This one time, I lost it. Got him to pick the stuff up and bring the stuff back up to his room. I was holding Dakota, yelling at Anakin. I put Dakota down. Thinking it was okay, because she hasn’t started to crawl yet. So as I was lecturing Anakin, I neglected to notice I left the bedroom door open. Dakota crawled out of the room. Anakin’s room was at the top of the stairs. Suddenly I heard a bunch of thumping down the stairs. It was Dakota. I yelled her name and ran after her. At the bottom of the stairs I picked her up, she didn’t cry. She fell asleep. I panicked and went to the neighbor and told her about it. She said that happened to her son too, and not to worry about it. I should have taken her to the hospital anyways, but I was scared C.A.S would be called and that would be it. I would have lost my children right then and there. So I put Dakota to bed and prayed.
Another time, yep. It happened again. This time Anakin was name calling and being rude. We were in the living room. I put Dakota down, thinking I would make it back down before anything could happen. I escorted Anakin to his room, lectured on how I don’t tolerate disrespect. As I left the room and looked down the stairs, who has almost reached the top? Dakota. She followed me. I tried to slowly reach her, reaching my arms out. But she looked up at me, lost her balance, and fell backwards.
What kind of parent makes the same mistake twice? I look back and wonder why I didn’t do what most parents would have, which is placed her safely in her crib.
My guilt is eating me alive. The hardest person to criticize me is me.
She survived both times, survived my stupidity. She could have had a concussion. She could have died, and neither times I took her to the hospital because I was too scared of the consequence. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe my children were taken from me by my ex because I don’t deserve them.
I don’t even think he knows of this incident. Barely anyone does. It was my shadowy secret that I cannot take anymore. So I am confessing; I fucked up. I’m not perfect.
I don’t know. Maybe C.A.S is right, I am a risk. I can’t even handle getting my own life back in order, how do I expect to take responsibility for other lives if I cannot even take care of myself?! – Pooks