It all piles up

I admit I am a bit frustrated.

This world has an obsession with having to make “phone calls.”

I do not own a home phone, and my cell phone doesn’t work so great for phone calls. It’s been dropped, had beverages spilt on it, it’s amazing that it still works enough as it does. It’s basically only good for an alarm clock and text messages.

I use to have a home phone through Bell. I had a pretty good deal for internet, basic satellite and a home phone. That was until a Rogers employee came to my home, cut my satellite cord and tried to sell me their packages instead. I got charged up the ass from Bell for the damage. An extra $600. I’m on financial assistance, there is no way I could pay that off. I got to try to stretch $160 p/ month as is.

So now I’m with Odynet, my form of communication is the internet, e-mail, facebook, etc.

I’ve come to realize that not having a phone has put a damper on many things. Such as job searching. Rather than booking an interview through e-mail, employers will e-mail me telling me to CALL THEM to book an interview. So each 2 second phone call costs me more money, 75 cents each. Almost a dollar per call.

To top it off, I have been suspended off Ontario Works. So now there are more hoops for me to jump. My worker keeps calling my cell. I tell these people, E-MAIL!! It’ the best way to get a hold of me. No one listens. I feel like in order to be heard, I have to get pissed off. And it sucks, I hate ranting. I hate bitching. I hate nagging! I hate sounding like my mom! I don’t like to raise my voice in order to get shit done!

I’ve been waiting all day for e-mails from my OW worker, my lawyer, employees, etc.

I feel out of the loop when it comes to court. I was told I was going to get an e-mail for the next court date, I never did. I just know it was set for March, and March is almost over. C.A.S and my ex know more of what is going on than I do.

I know I am suppose to “call” C.A.S to book an in home appointment. I haven’t yet. I am flat ass broke. Plus, my home is still a mess. Finding the motivation to clean this place…I don’t know. I doubt myself.

I do want to see my kids again, I just wish I were more stabilized.

I’ve been job searching for a year, and have had no luck because of the huge gap between jobs, lack of experience, etc. Well I’m sorry I got into two fucked up isolating relationships that took away a good 7 years.  It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of learning.

Whatever, I’m ready to throw job searching out the window. And hope that I can get back into school and not fuck that up.

Union Gas is going to cut me off, considering I haven’t paid a thing since I got here. Same goes with my Reliance water bill. I don’t get that much per month, so I figure what’s the point of trying? So the money I do get goes to coffee, cigarettes, and $55 for internet.

I don’t know why OW let me move here, out of London Housing where everything was inclusive. They must have known I would not be able to make ends meet. What the fuck?!

If there were images in the dictionary, my face should be placed by the words “Screwed over.”

For some dumb reason, I keep trying though. Trying to sort shit out and achieve the impossible. I go through phases where I revert back to trying to sleep it all away to nights where I don’t sleep at all.

I’m under a lot of stress. You wouldn’t know it if you were to meet me in person. Because I come across so cheerful.

I’m not the most organized person, and it doesn’t take much to over-whelm me. I am ALWAYS late for appointments.  But I must keep reminding myself, one thing at a time. And not to worry, the Creator has it all under control. Everything happens for a reason. Why I must go through this bullshit, I don’t know. But it’s all apart of “his” plan.

Sometimes I think I should just pack up and leave. Move into a bachelor apartment. Why am I even trying to hold onto a 3 bedroom house? I’ve been waiting a year for my children to come home, and maybe that’s just not going to happen.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will try to take my mind off all this. I don’t even know where to begin plucking away. It would be nice if my OW worker would return my e-mail. – Pooks





By pooks82

3 comments on “It all piles up

  1. Nice rant!! Man, if I were you, I’d be pulling my hair out too! That is a LOT to deal with and that part of life – the phone calls, the beaurocracy (can’t even SPELL that craziness! haha) it REALLY SUCKS!! At least with writing you are getting your feelings out and I find that with writing it all down I get clarity and I find a way to figure at least SOME of it out, to get by for another day. I want to give you advice when I read this, but I know you are old enough and smart enough to figure this out. It’s like a big TEST, and it’s totally unfair, but I know you can find a way through it. Remember your community. Everyone has something to offer to you and they will be happy to help.

    • Thanks Hailey. I figured the first step is with OW, and they are going to move me from “Team J” to “Team B”. Because clearly I need more help and support. So instead of going through the Goodwill Career Centre, I will be going through whatever Leads has to offer. Considering my lack of experience seems to be my down fall. I will also be starting counseling, which is probably a good thing. So not only do I get to write out my rants, I can rant to someone in person. Lol I pity them.

  2. Hey, this sounds like good news! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, can benefit from counseling, and there is something different about ranting to a concerned but objective human than just writing it out on the internet. I trust you will find good help and healing.

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