Perfectly fine with loose screws

So I am participant in Make a wish foundations: Go Blue! Go Bald! Although in my case, I kind of went green. Haha!

So I have stayed up all night, so that I can make it out early today to get it fixed by a professional. My hair will be blue.

Up with Art is less than a week a way, and the closer it gets, the more nervous I get. I hear friends that attended the event last year talk about it, and it sounds HUGE! It’s a collaboration show between local known artists and “street” artists like myself.  CTV News will be there. I’ll get to witness how a silent auction plays out. I’ve never been to an auction before. It will be interesting. I’m both excited and nervous. Thankfully I’m not alone, I’ll be joined by people who have become like a family to me over this past year, The New School of Colour. So that it self is comforting to know. And this experience isn’t just new to me, it is new to others as well.

What else? My sister is pregnant. I am very happy for her, and I pray for her and the father to be. That they have strength to conquer any temptation to past addictions. That their past remains in the past. Because they have a bright life-changing future ahead. My sister has always dreamed about becoming a mother, and I think she will do great. She’s scared, as most new moms are.  Considering all the darkness and pain she’s been through over the years, she deserves this. She deserves to happy. I know she will be amazing, because I’ve seen it with my own eyes when she was around my children. She made an excellent Aunt, giving my children and I wonderful memories. I know she can do the same for her own child.

I think about my own children regularly. There isn’t a day that goes by where they do not enter my thoughts. I miss them. But I believe I was given this time to work on me. To heal, and become a better person. Not just for me, but for them. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m on my way.

I believe I can be their mother, and that my ex does not HAVE TO BE present just for it to be possible. I’d be happy with just weekends. I recently changed my cell number to avoid anymore conflict with him.  Through out the year I’ve been getting harassed through text messages. He’d start all nice, than get all lovey dovey on me hoping to get laid. I’d reject him, and he’d throw a tantrum. Then I experience more verbal abuse. That same cycle kept repeating itself. I’ve been through enough. Our children have been through enough. Damn rights, I cut contact.

Job searching has been difficult. So hopefully this other agency that my Ontario Works worker referred me to can help. The huge gaps in my resume concerns employees. Those periods where I was in these isolating abusive relationships. Not something I want to bring up at an interview. Another thing, lack of recent references, and lack of experience. I love to learn, and I’m willing to try new things. I just need to be given the chance.

I will be starting counseling soon. It could be good I guess. But my past experiences are that I get past on from one councilor to the next, starting over each time repeating myself like a parrot. Supposedly that’s good for you. I find it irritating. I can’t stand repeating myself, because that means that whomever I’m speaking to isn’t really listening. My best form of communication is writing, therefore whatever I’m thinking goes straight to my readers brain. Nothing is missed, and my point has been made.

I will try it anyway. Supposedly I have a few screws loose, according to my ex, C.A.S, etc. I don’t see anything wrong with me. I like the way I am. I have become very interesting. Maybe it’s not “normal”, or “socially acceptable”.  Since I’ve gone to church, I accept the way I am, and believe I’m meant to be this way. The Creators little rebel against power, control and judgment.

Okay, so my sleeping patterns could use some improvement. I either sleep too much, or too little. There’s no balance. And I’m not the most organized or punctual person. These are things I still need to work on, and I know it. They are habits which can be changed with time and practice, not over night. You have no idea how many attempts I’ve tried to turn my clock around. I admit, without my children, I have become fond of sleeping. Dreaming actually. The less realistic the better. It’s an escape from my reality. So sleep has become a problem. Not to that point where I’m laying in bed all day and night trying to rot away. I do make an effort to get out of bed, and get out of the house. It’s not as bad as it use to be, it’s just backwards. I’m awake all night, and I sleep business hours away. It gets frustrating, especially when there are things to be done during business hours. So that’s where all nighters come to play. I don’t sleep at all just so I can accomplish what I want to get done. Such as today, I didn’t sleep at all last night. I will be comatose by the end of the day. Out like a light. To get me through the day, a shit load of caffeine.

I’d like to think I’m a pretty happy person for the most part. My self-esteem and confidence have improved, although I struggle with doubt now and than. I call them “my blue phases”. Waves where I feel sad.  But I keep in mind what one of my idol (Corey Taylor) has said ” Everything you feel is temporary.”  And each time, I get through it.

Things will continue to get better if I keep going forward. Pushing myself to do so.

I’ll share something from last Sunday’s service at Church. It’s really been good for me going there. Even my friends say they’ve noticed positive changes since I’ve started to go.

“The love of the world and the love of the Father are incompatible. The only way to receive the best God has for us is to let go.”

C.A.S thinks I’m detached from the world as is. Incapable of bonding. I’m very capable of bonding. But as for detaching myself from the world, that was only the beginning. – Pooks

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By pooks82

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