Miigwech

So I got to see my children yesterday, and I’m still filled with joy. Even though it was only for an hour. It’s an hour I cherish.

Yes, my visit was supervised. But it was like the worker wasn’t there at all. I just did what my children love from me the most, and that was play. We played tag on the climbers at a park. Anakin mentioned that when he plays with his dad, his dad is too fast. He likes playing with me because I’m slow. Haha! I run slow because I know Anakin likes that, he likes to feel untouchable.

They are just as I remember them. Outgoing Anakin, who is climbing, running, and laughing. And Dakota is still my little princess. She kept losing her shoe, and needing help to put it back on. Too cute.

Both of their birthdays have past, and I feel bad for not having anything to give besides my presence.  They gave me gifts, Belated Mothers Day gifts which were adorable. Dakota had help filling in the blanks on this worksheet “All about my Mom”. Anakin made me crafts, a ring made out of felt with a flower on it. He also made me a little flower, that came with a note that couldn’t be more perfect coming from “Mommy’s little helper.”

The note behind the flower Anakin made said:

When your hands are full of flour

 And your baking by the hour

 See how handy I will be

 When I hold your recipe!

And what from what Dakota gave me…

All about my Mom

How do I show my mom I love her? I hug her

My favorite thing to do with my Mom is exercise

Her favorite colour is pink

Her favorite food is chicken and rice

If she has extra time she likes to walk with me

When my Mom grows up, she wants to be a princess

My Mom laughs when I tickle her

My Mom is 40 years old!

What my Mom loves the most is a trophy

Trophy, coffee..close enough. Haha!

I apologize I have no pictures. I did not take any. I wanted to enjoy every little minute with them, so I did.

Dakota still gets this returning cough. Her chest rattles. She use to have a puffer for it. I blame myself for that returning cough. I know it could be worse. But still. My advice to any mothers to be, do not smoke.

Anakin told me his best-friend moved away. I can tell he misses him. I don’t think he’s made a friend quite like him. Although he has told me a little about his new friends. He said one cannot stop bobbing his head. I just looked at him in awe. I wanted to just say thank you for not being judgmental. He makes me so proud.

Anyway, we did as much as we could during that hour. Swinging, running, climbing, even got flat on the ground and crawled on our bellies.

My son had an accident, and thought I would not hug him. I told him not to worry about it, I’ll find a way, and I did. I felt like saying, he could be covered horse crap, and boogers or whatever, I’ll still hug him. I’m his mother. Anyway,  even though he did get self- conscious I think I made him feel better.

As we parted ways, Anakin kept looking back from across the field. He missed and needed his mama. I know that. I will never say “What?! Are you stupid?” or call my boy an idiot. I will always try to mend those wounds.

Afterwards I went to the New School of Colour and worked more on my oil painting. I clowned around, walked around with a painted mustache on my face. Not a damn thing could bring me down. Yesterday was awesome. The weather was gorgeous. I am grateful to have been blessed with such an amazing day.

I got a text message this morning from a friend. “You are being prayed for! We are happy for you and God will restore what the locust has taken. Praise the Lord!”

I am also thankful for having such supportive, loving friends that are with me on this journey.  – Pooks

Advertisements
By pooks82

Happy Birthday Anakin

Happy Birthday Anakin King-Shannon. Not a day goes by when you and your sister aren’t in my thoughts. I miss you,  I never stop loving you, and I will see you soon. Good memories of you and your sister keep your mama strong. I miss how you would willingly want to help your mom, clean or carry groceries. I miss our snowball fights, our games of tag.  I miss our hikes down trails. I miss baking treats for you and your sister. I miss creating murals, just the three of us. I know you’re too young to understand what’s going on, but one day you will.  Happy 7th Birthday big man. Don’t ever think that I don’t love you. I know you’re father is telling you and your sister that I am “crazy”, the only thing I’m crazy for are my babies. I will never stop loving you.

Love,

Mom

By pooks82

Trail of Thought

E-mail I received May 17th, 2012.

Hi Pauline,

I haven’t been able to get a hold of  ████ yet, but as long as May 23rd works for him than I will have you meet us at Anakin’s school at 4pm.  It is Wilton Grove P.S. and the address is 626 Osgoode Drive. You can spend the hour with the kids outside on the playground (assuming the weather is good) and then I will take the kids back to ████ ’s house at 5pm.

I will email you again once I have confirmed with ████ .

Thanks,
███████████

That was a message from my worker to me. Anyway, I am hoping that my ex is not deliberately making it hard for the worker to contact him because I rejected his offer to go for coffee. Yes, he asked me after the last court date to go for coffee. Of coarse I said no! I have a right to say no.  I’m pretty sure any mother in my position would. Here is a dude that wasn’t there to raise his children, he was off doing stupid things getting high, drunk and up to criminal mischief with his brother. He takes our kids from me, that I raised majority of their childhood because I would not fuck him, and he thinks I will go for coffee with him?! It’s been over a year! For fuck sakes! Let me move on!

He’s made it clear the last time I tried to forgive  him, as a desperate attempt to see my children. He’s never gonna change. Sure he may act sweet to my face, but he will talk trash behind my back. Therefore, he cannot be trusted. I believe you cannot have any form of a relationship without trust. I’ve had enough verbal abuse, and quite honestly am sick and tired of his bullshit. So even though, when it comes to forgiveness. I’m not sure what to do in this circumstance anymore. I just want to let it go, and move on. Let the Creator, judge, and forgive. Because I’ve tried, and tried, and just keep getting the same results. I know the bible says to forgive 77 times X 7.  But that will be putting myself at more risk, and possibly in danger again. I can’t do it anymore. My children need me alive, not dead. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this being able to forgive someone, but not having to associate with them. Just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have to be their friend.  That is probably the route I will have to take. I cannot be friends with this man, at least not anytime soon.  Forgiveness takes time. It could take years, and I may have to repeatedly forgive for every angry and hurt feeling I feel in a moment. Forgiveness, it’s been one of my biggest challenges yet. It is still something I need to overcome.

It doesn’t help he’s uses the children as leverage. Basically “sleep with me, and you can see your kids” kind of deal. I don’t think so!

I will jump through the hoops I need to. Supposedly counseling is one. Yet, I don’t think I’m the one that needs it. I deal with my problems in numerous forms. Writing it down, poetry, this blog, my autobiography (which I put down for awhile, until my life isn’t so stagnant. It’s like I’m kind of drifting in space, and repeating myself. So I’ll wait until things unfold til I add more to it) or throughout my art. I’ve been told I’m very in tune with my emotions, and that I am very expressive. That, I can’t deny. I’m not the one that is so judgmental, so homophobic, filled with rage towards gay people and women. I’m sorry his mother wasn’t there for him! He’s got to stop treating women like the way he treats her. His problems are between him, his mother, and the rapist ( Or sexual molester). Clearly something happened that literally fucked him up. He won’t face it, but he takes it out on others.

Yes, I’ve been abused majority of my life. Just recently discovering relationships without abuse. It is possible. And maybe because I’ve experienced so much of this shit, psychologically, I am more sensitive than the average person. Such as how friends joke around, and put each-other down. I can handle it for a little awhile, but then it all starts to sink in and I take it personally. Same applies to criticism, I don’t handle it very well.  I would much rather praise, and positive input. They say it takes 10 compliments to mend 1 insult. The amount of verbal abuse I took in over the years, yeah, there’s a lot of mending to be done.

I understand I am a risk because of  my past with abuse.  Being raised and brought up in that way of life, it starts to become normal. But things are changing. I am changing.I will rebel against it. I will break this cycle.

Speaking of change, something changed recently. My pattern of sleep. I use to sleep too much, or not want to sleep, so I’d be up for hours. Now I’ve been getting tired sooner, going to bed at a decent time, and waking up earlier. I like it. I’m not sure what it is  that snapped me out of it, but I look forward to waking up in the morning.

I would much rather leave my past where it is. I’m not really looking forward to counseling. It’s like opening a box to a horrific realm. I don’t want to cry. I hate crying.  But maybe that’s what I need to do.

It kind of reminds me of what my Pastor said at church last Sunday when he spoke of Jesus and the bread. Jesus took the bread, blessed it. Then broke it. Perhaps it is my time to break, in order to move forward to better things.

Slowly things are getting better. I did my intake with Leads employment services, and my intake at the Daya Counselling Centre. It will take 2-3 weeks before I can begin.  I will remain patient. Things will work themselves out. Hopefully I will see my kids soon. Technically they aren’t mine. They are the Creators, and they were his gift that I am to guide back to him.

I was given a new perspective thanks to my church. This world is a battlefield, and we are just passing through. We all have that feeling like we are meant for so much more, that “so much more” is waiting on the other-side. We all have our own little missions in order to get there, something we need to do here. I think mine is sharing as much as I can with the talents I’ve been given. Writing my thoughts, sharing my story, and creating art. Something to pass on, and leave behind for others.

– Pooks

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” – Matthew 19:29

By pooks82

Oh Happy Day

4 am. I have a busy, and early day ahead of me. I have an appointment with Leads employment services at 9am.  After that, I will need to mail off an art piece done by me, and send it to Hailey Tallman since it is already paid for. She use to be a facilitator here at the New School of Colour, and is now trying to start something similar in Montreal.I just want to double check something before I send it out. Wouldn’t want it to return, for some strange reason. I want to make sure that it is 100% ready to go. The stamps are correct, etc. etc.

I can think of other things that I will need to get done. Such as pick up more batteries for my camera. Never sure when a classic moment may occur, so it is always good to keep the camera fully loaded and ready to go.

My friends and I created this group, we call ourselves the Anti-Drug Crew and we post video’s online. It’s basically pointless video’s of us wired on caffeine. Already we’re developing haters. The way I see it, is that we are confident and courageous enough to make asses of ourselves and put it out there. People that have something against that don’t have the guts to do such a thing. They are those people that are too concerned “what others will think.” Heaven forbid that. Therefore, they let their own insecurities get the best of them and criticize. I am not going to let them bring me down. I am on a mission to portray myself as light. Live as light in someones day.

Anyway, today is a very special day. It is my daughters birthday, and she is now 4 years old. It’s hard to believe 4 years ago at 4:10am I gave birth to a beautiful girl that I could pass on my Biological Mothers name (Elizabeth King, R.I.P)  down to. Happy Birthday Dakota! You’ll always be mommy’s Little Princess. Or should I say “Prinshesh”.

To celebrate her day, I will share a poem I wrote for her back in 2009.

Letter for the Future

Dear Baby Girl

When you grow up and become a woman

I hope you find a man that can make you happy

I hope you can find someone that will make you feel safe

There are all sorts of men out there

I just hope you’ll be wise on the choice of the man to stand by your side

Find someone that respect you, your dreams and needs

Find someone that that you can trust, and trusts you

Find someone that treats you as an equal

And will work as hard as you to build and make it work

Not a mooch just along for the ride, while you work hard and he spends it all away

Don’t let him treat you like meat, you are more special than that

Find someone mature and responsible, not a little boy playing games

Find someone with a job and education

Not into the drugs and criminal scene

You got a head on your shoulders

Baby, you got brains

Don’t throw yourself at just anyone

We all want love, but be patient, it will come to you

When you grow up and become a woman

I won’t lie

You will meet people that try to manipulate you and take advantage of you

Some people get creepy, possessive and controlling

I pray that will never happen to you

Be strong and assertive, don’t let others think for you

When you grow up, you’ll realize men act nuts after they had sex

Some girls like that attention

Some girls think it’s just annoying

Be smart, use protection

A life as a young mom on welfare is hard

And could you really be sure that whoever doesn’t have an STD?

People do lie

The last thing I want to do is scare you

I just want you to be safe and wise

Find a man that is like your best-friend

That will stand by you through thick and thin

Find someone that loves you for you

Someone that will listen to what you have to say

Someone that will communicate

One day you won’t be a baby no more

Perhaps that’s why I’m writing this down

In case I don’t get to say what I need to say

At least I have it written down

One day for you to read

I’ll always love you indeed

text copyright © 2009 By Pauline King Shannon a.k.a Pooks

Strange eh? It’s like I knew something was gonna happen, like I knew we’d be parted and I was preparing for it. As heart-breaking as it is for any mother to experience, the point is, I am now preparing to reunite.

Anyway, Love you Dakota! Always have, always will.  – Pooks

By pooks82

Raising Standards

Even though things are slowly but surely getting better. Patience has been paying off.  I cannot help but feel a little blue. This coming Monday is my daughters 4th Birthday, and it will be another birthday I miss.  Then on the 20th of this month, my little man turns 7.

They are the first things, and last things I see each day. I have a picture of them on my computer screen as wallpaper.

I cherish the memories I have of them, maybe that’s what helps keep me going. Even though there are days where I don’t feel motivated at all, I have amazing support that refuses to allow me to ever give up. I use those memories to help create a better Pooks. Even if it’s just a word I use that becomes trendy; such as “yesh.”  Or to be more like my son. He’s not afraid to act silly, and he’s daring. Kind of fearless when it comes to humility.  He does whatever he can to make others laugh. That is admirable.  Most people would say it is us parents that are suppose to be the role models. But I say children make the best role models. They are not corrupted by society, and their spirits and imaginations are free.

Anyway, I will see them soon.  C.A.S came by to have me sign and agree to some paper work on Wednesday. Which would allow me to have visits starting off supervised or an hour, and depending how things go, I earn more time. I agreed. Keeping one thing in mind that a friend had said to me, “Any visit, is better than nothing at all.”

Court was Thursday morning, and things are set. Everybody is in agreement with this plan. So within the next 2 weeks or so, I will see my son and daughter again. Without my ex around, and him using the children as leverage.  Control is out of his hands, and now C.A.S has the ball in their court.

I don’t mind this new worker. She’s not being judgmental and holding a grudge like the previous worker.  So she has my co-operation.

Since the next court date isn’t for another 6 months, my lawyers advice was to see the children as much as I possibly can. So I will do my best. Do my best not to be late. Do my best not to over sleep. I have some habits that will take some practice to break and overcome. My biggest problem is sleep. I’ve grown to fond of dreaming, escaping reality.

My goal is to get my weekends back.  Right as of now, cannot afford to do such a thing. So I will need to get a job, or go to school. The problem there, I struggle fitting into society and it’s system, always have. Plus the lack of experience, that puts a damper on shit. So hopefully Leads employment services can offer something that will help with that. Sure what I would like to do is become a multi-media surrealist artist, but I need to be “realistic”. So maybe if I learn about sales, marketing, and business, I learn how to sell myself and other things I can produce as a product.

So I’m either going to need to get my foot in the door with sales and customer service, or get my ass back in school. Hopefully be able to follow routine day to day. Sleep sneaked up on me last time I went to school, which is like a decade ago. But then again, I kind of gave up when my supposed mom moved in with me and my brother.  I moved to London to get away from her. So having someone that belittles me move in deflated any confidence I had. Plus, there was an asshole teacher from England that was kind of racist. He told me to quit, and to stick to native art. I didn’t handle criticism very well back then. Didn’t really stick up for myself either. Now a days, I’d probably tell him to go fuck himself. As I do with anyone that has a problem with me.

Anyway, after court my ex thought he could ask me out for coffee. Are you kidding me? After all the bullshit and lies he’s played?! If this was the other way around he’d tell me to fuck right off. I wanted to say that. But if I had opened my mouth, there would be conflict. So I kept my mouth shut, actions speak louder then words. I just nodded “no”, and kept on walking.

I suppose people would see that as an opportunity for forgiveness. I’ve tried that, numerous times and I just get verbal abuse. His arrogant delusional ass thinks I should thank him. The only thing I can thank him for is showing me what I don’t want in a man.

To be quite honest, I’m not entirely sure what I do want in a man. I have some idea’s though. Someone confident, because I sure as hell don’t want to go through all the bullshit that comes with insecurities ever again. Being accused of cheating. Being called a whore, a slut. etc, etc. No thanks. Confidence is sexy, insecurities can make a person ugly. Someone that isn’t afraid to be silly, that isn’t concerned with what “other people will think”. Who cares?! I don’t want to be with someone that gets embarrassed to be with me if I have fun. Yeah, I will do some ridiculous shit. It would be nice to have a partner that will enjoy and engage such things. Someone that isn’t judgmental. My ex was sooo judgmental. Calling my friends and family crackheads and no fucking good. It would be nice to be with someone with an open mind, that can see more then what meets the eye. Going to the Ark and the New School of Colour, it being so diverse with so many types of people, it has helped me open my mind. My exes habits of judgement had rubbed off on me, and I was once that way. But now I realize the only thing that has the right to judge is the Creator.  Umm.. trust, that’s important.  I believe a relationship is nothing without trust.  I value respect and appreciation, so I’ve learned over the years from the many times I kicked my ex out for being a rude dick. I don’t tolerate disrespect. Oh, and someone I could feel safe around, that I could rely on that won’t harm me.

Men I find sexy are Charlie Hunnum ( He plays Jax in Sons of Anarchy), Corey Taylor ( Singer of Stone Sour and Slipknot), and Jason Statham. Even though they all do look good in leather, have amazing physiques, I think it’s more of an attitude thing.

Oh, and my sisters brother ( she’s adopted too, but from a different family) can forget about it. Once, drinking at my sisters, her brother was there asking me if I would fuck him. I laughed and said no. He’s my sisters brother for crying out loud! Later on, drunk as skunk, I was in the washroom puking. I eventually passed out. My sisters brother comes in and has his way with me anyway. His excuse was “he was drunk.” So yeah, it happened again, this time I wasn’t drunk. More self-destructive. Since he helped himself in the first place, what difference is gonna make? Just get it over with, kind of attitude. I regretted it. Disrespecting and degrading myself like that. So when the next opportunity came along, he was came to London again, and was drunk talking about marriage. His idea was to get married and go live out in the bush. Uhhh…no thank you. Isolation, is definitely not on my list. So he can get those fucked up ideas out of his head, never will it happen again. It never should have. He and I will never be. That night, I ditched him to hang out with my friends at The Ark.

Now their cousin is trying to get all friendly with me. He’s suddenly so eager to visit me. Something tells me my sisters brother opened his mouth and told him about me.  In your dreams bud! Alcoholics are not on my list either. I have children to consider, and I don’t need all the problems that come along with an alcoholic, or addict. I don’t use, I barely ever drink.  I don’t need to. I’m wired on caffeine and make my life fun. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m addicted to smokes, and caffeine. Those can be considered drugs, but are more sociably acceptable in society.

I deserve better. I’ve been through a lot of shit. So the bar has been raised. I respect myself a lot more then I ever have. I am a Goddess, not a fuckin doormat. Thank you Pablo Picasso. – Pooks

By pooks82