Even though things are slowly but surely getting better. Patience has been paying off. I cannot help but feel a little blue. This coming Monday is my daughters 4th Birthday, and it will be another birthday I miss. Then on the 20th of this month, my little man turns 7.
They are the first things, and last things I see each day. I have a picture of them on my computer screen as wallpaper.
I cherish the memories I have of them, maybe that’s what helps keep me going. Even though there are days where I don’t feel motivated at all, I have amazing support that refuses to allow me to ever give up. I use those memories to help create a better Pooks. Even if it’s just a word I use that becomes trendy; such as “yesh.” Or to be more like my son. He’s not afraid to act silly, and he’s daring. Kind of fearless when it comes to humility. He does whatever he can to make others laugh. That is admirable. Most people would say it is us parents that are suppose to be the role models. But I say children make the best role models. They are not corrupted by society, and their spirits and imaginations are free.
Anyway, I will see them soon. C.A.S came by to have me sign and agree to some paper work on Wednesday. Which would allow me to have visits starting off supervised or an hour, and depending how things go, I earn more time. I agreed. Keeping one thing in mind that a friend had said to me, “Any visit, is better than nothing at all.”
Court was Thursday morning, and things are set. Everybody is in agreement with this plan. So within the next 2 weeks or so, I will see my son and daughter again. Without my ex around, and him using the children as leverage. Control is out of his hands, and now C.A.S has the ball in their court.
I don’t mind this new worker. She’s not being judgmental and holding a grudge like the previous worker. So she has my co-operation.
Since the next court date isn’t for another 6 months, my lawyers advice was to see the children as much as I possibly can. So I will do my best. Do my best not to be late. Do my best not to over sleep. I have some habits that will take some practice to break and overcome. My biggest problem is sleep. I’ve grown to fond of dreaming, escaping reality.
My goal is to get my weekends back. Right as of now, cannot afford to do such a thing. So I will need to get a job, or go to school. The problem there, I struggle fitting into society and it’s system, always have. Plus the lack of experience, that puts a damper on shit. So hopefully Leads employment services can offer something that will help with that. Sure what I would like to do is become a multi-media surrealist artist, but I need to be “realistic”. So maybe if I learn about sales, marketing, and business, I learn how to sell myself and other things I can produce as a product.
So I’m either going to need to get my foot in the door with sales and customer service, or get my ass back in school. Hopefully be able to follow routine day to day. Sleep sneaked up on me last time I went to school, which is like a decade ago. But then again, I kind of gave up when my supposed mom moved in with me and my brother. I moved to London to get away from her. So having someone that belittles me move in deflated any confidence I had. Plus, there was an asshole teacher from England that was kind of racist. He told me to quit, and to stick to native art. I didn’t handle criticism very well back then. Didn’t really stick up for myself either. Now a days, I’d probably tell him to go fuck himself. As I do with anyone that has a problem with me.
Anyway, after court my ex thought he could ask me out for coffee. Are you kidding me? After all the bullshit and lies he’s played?! If this was the other way around he’d tell me to fuck right off. I wanted to say that. But if I had opened my mouth, there would be conflict. So I kept my mouth shut, actions speak louder then words. I just nodded “no”, and kept on walking.
I suppose people would see that as an opportunity for forgiveness. I’ve tried that, numerous times and I just get verbal abuse. His arrogant delusional ass thinks I should thank him. The only thing I can thank him for is showing me what I don’t want in a man.
To be quite honest, I’m not entirely sure what I do want in a man. I have some idea’s though. Someone confident, because I sure as hell don’t want to go through all the bullshit that comes with insecurities ever again. Being accused of cheating. Being called a whore, a slut. etc, etc. No thanks. Confidence is sexy, insecurities can make a person ugly. Someone that isn’t afraid to be silly, that isn’t concerned with what “other people will think”. Who cares?! I don’t want to be with someone that gets embarrassed to be with me if I have fun. Yeah, I will do some ridiculous shit. It would be nice to have a partner that will enjoy and engage such things. Someone that isn’t judgmental. My ex was sooo judgmental. Calling my friends and family crackheads and no fucking good. It would be nice to be with someone with an open mind, that can see more then what meets the eye. Going to the Ark and the New School of Colour, it being so diverse with so many types of people, it has helped me open my mind. My exes habits of judgement had rubbed off on me, and I was once that way. But now I realize the only thing that has the right to judge is the Creator. Umm.. trust, that’s important. I believe a relationship is nothing without trust. I value respect and appreciation, so I’ve learned over the years from the many times I kicked my ex out for being a rude dick. I don’t tolerate disrespect. Oh, and someone I could feel safe around, that I could rely on that won’t harm me.
Men I find sexy are Charlie Hunnum ( He plays Jax in Sons of Anarchy), Corey Taylor ( Singer of Stone Sour and Slipknot), and Jason Statham. Even though they all do look good in leather, have amazing physiques, I think it’s more of an attitude thing.
Oh, and my sisters brother ( she’s adopted too, but from a different family) can forget about it. Once, drinking at my sisters, her brother was there asking me if I would fuck him. I laughed and said no. He’s my sisters brother for crying out loud! Later on, drunk as skunk, I was in the washroom puking. I eventually passed out. My sisters brother comes in and has his way with me anyway. His excuse was “he was drunk.” So yeah, it happened again, this time I wasn’t drunk. More self-destructive. Since he helped himself in the first place, what difference is gonna make? Just get it over with, kind of attitude. I regretted it. Disrespecting and degrading myself like that. So when the next opportunity came along, he was came to London again, and was drunk talking about marriage. His idea was to get married and go live out in the bush. Uhhh…no thank you. Isolation, is definitely not on my list. So he can get those fucked up ideas out of his head, never will it happen again. It never should have. He and I will never be. That night, I ditched him to hang out with my friends at The Ark.
Now their cousin is trying to get all friendly with me. He’s suddenly so eager to visit me. Something tells me my sisters brother opened his mouth and told him about me. In your dreams bud! Alcoholics are not on my list either. I have children to consider, and I don’t need all the problems that come along with an alcoholic, or addict. I don’t use, I barely ever drink. I don’t need to. I’m wired on caffeine and make my life fun. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m addicted to smokes, and caffeine. Those can be considered drugs, but are more sociably acceptable in society.
I deserve better. I’ve been through a lot of shit. So the bar has been raised. I respect myself a lot more then I ever have. I am a Goddess, not a fuckin doormat. Thank you Pablo Picasso. – Pooks
Pooks82 Online Blog 