Stuck in my Head

I have a fever, so far it’s been 2 days.  So I do a lot of sleeping.  I decided to combine recent dreams, and dreams I remember. To give you an idea what it is like when I sleep.

Stuck in my Head

Inside my mind when my eyes are closed

Is a world that is hard to to escape

Tigers hunt me down in an an abandoned house

As if it were hide n’ seek

Something about old wood, abandoned houses

They hold a huge significance

Down a hallway of a shut down hotel

The screams of torture behind what’s at the end of the hall

Passing by closed door, after closed door

To peak behind the small red curtain directly ahead

What are those screams?

I never find out

To enchanted forests

Surrounded by tree’s and fire flies in the night

A man made of water arises from a small lake or pond

And he runs

On land, in the bush, are a bunch of satyr’s playing poker

None of this scares me

I try to turn these dreams into art

With no success as of yet

Inside my mind when my eyes are closed

Are things you will never see here

A hunched over, scrawny, transparent goblin

Once again in an abandoned house

So see through his veins are apparent

He seeks for someone I once knew

Someone that goes by the name of “Ripper”

There was only one dream that somewhat connected to my reality

Everything was blue

Picasso blue

I watched an elderly woman roam onto a dock

She wore a night gown

Lightning struck this woman in the temple

She fell down, and never got back up

The next day I got news

My Grandma on my “supposed” mom’s side had a blot clot

Exactly where the elderly woman was struck by lightning

I didn’t really know her

I just remember her flipping out over strawberries

I dream a lot about storms

Tsunami’s and tornado’s

Falling off a rope bridge, but never hitting the ground

Dark shadows standing over my son’s bassinet

Threatening to take him away

To being somewhere else in this world

A different climate

Part jungle- part desert

These people try to control the direction of a snakes slither

With only a stick shaped as a “Y”

A man’s son got bit, poisoned

I watched his son die

An elderly woman leans over my bed

She says: ” You need to calm me down when you’re angry.”

Inside my head, when my eyes are closed

It is hard to leave this world

There is no pain to feel when I am there

I become numb

The silent observer

Only noticed once in a while

I have no idea what any of it means, if anything

Fields attracting lightning for energy

Broken roller coasters that I don’t get on

Peoples body parts fall from the sky

Even a face I recognize

My voice doesn’t make a sound unless I scream

This is just what I remember

Imagine what it is I forget

Inside my mind when my eyes are closed

Peoples skin gets ripped off by the wind

They were up high, in a jet

Another dark shadow with bright blue eyes

He knows my name, he keeps calling

It’s all surreal

And maybe that’s why I like it

Perhaps too much

I sleep too much

I escape when my eyes are closed

Stuck in my head

A place most people would dread

Inside my mind

It’s not like anything here you would find

Stuck in my head

Reality is dead

Copyright© 2012 by Pauline King – Shannon a.k.a Pooks

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By pooks82

Building without Realizing

Something I always said for many years was ” Everything happens for a reason.”  But it one thing to say it, another to believe it.

All the pain I’ve experienced had made who I am. I think back to my biological parents. My father hiding the weapon that his girlfriend used to kill my mother. For years that angered me. I use to want to know why. But now I realize that’s how it’s meant to be. If that never happened, I would not have been placed in foster care and experienced what I have which led me to here.  It all made me what I am.

As a foster child, the need to be accepted was extreme. I thank my Nana, Papa, Aunty Bridget, Uncle Gary, My Dad, Uncle Jean, Cousin Jean, And my sister Annie for accepting me. Even though it wasn’t til I gotten older I realized it wasn’t acceptance from others that I needed. It was acceptance from myself.

Fortunately I have that now. I like who I am becoming. Even though it may seem like I’m doing fuck all, and it may feel like that at times. But I am building, and sometimes I even have to stop to realize it. Sometimes I think I’m just floating through life, waiting. But no, I’m doing more than that. I enjoy doing my art I don’t even put it into consideration. It’s not just a hobby, and one day I will form into work that I enjoy. So even though I may sometimes think, and others as well may think, I’m doing nothing. We are wrong, I am creating. Perhaps creating more than I realize. I am creating Pooks, the Artist. Not only that, I’m building support.

That bible verse I posted in this blog, a friend read out to me once. It gives me hope. So even though my children were taken from me, it is all part of the Creator’s plan. And I can let go of the anger and replace it with faith. Everybody, is just where they are meant to be. And from all this, I gain strength, knowledge and gratitude. A painful experience, just may blossom into a blessing. Something better. My children will return, if not in this lifetime, the next.

Before all this I was an atheist, and the world around was me was dark. I was abused, I’ve been a bully, I’ve been bullied, etc. I use to cut myself to stop myself from crying, replacing emotional pain with physical pain. I was suicidal. I did not value or have any respect for myself. I use to read about serial killers and Satan.  I was on a dangerous path to self destruction. It’s amazing how one experience can change everything.

A friend asked me over the weekend if I want to know about the Creator, or if I want to know the Creator. My response; “I don’t know”. But I do, I want to do more than just know, I want to meet the Creator. And I know I will one day. But there is still things I need to accomplish here.

I have a gift to “inspire”, so I feel need to figure out what I am to do with it. Right now, I use it to just make others smile and laugh. I go to a place where people have their own burdens, wither it be addictions, homelessness, etc, so even if it’s just for a moment I can bring light into someone else’s day, I will. Even if that means making a complete ass of myself.

This past Sunday at Church, yes I finally made it to church after missing 3 weeks, and I was starting to feel the difference without it. Negativity was surrounding me, and it was beginning to get to me. Anyway, I made it to church, we watched a movie called “Courage”, afterward the men got up to the alter and read the resolution together. It is an oath they make with the Creator.  My friend said that the next man I choose to be in my life will have to sign this oath. We’ll have our own little ceremony. It is nice I have the friends that I do looking out for me. And the fact she suggested this oath to be done meant a lot. I will post this oath below to end this post. I’m not currently looking for a soul-mate. I am focused on myself, and working on making myself a better person. But when that time comes…

THE RESOLUTION
I DO solemnly resolve before God to take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children.
I WILL love them, protect them, serve them, and teach them the Word of God as the spiritual leader of my home.
I WILL be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her, and be willing to lay down my life for her as Jesus Christ did for me.
I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all of their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength.
I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly.
I WILL confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy.
I WILL pray for others and treat them with kindness, respect, and compassion.
I WILL work diligently to provide for the needs of my family.
I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.
I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God.
I WILL seek to honor God, be faithful to His church, obey His Word, and do His will.
I WILL courageously work with the strength God provides to fulfill this resolution for the rest of my life and for His glory.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. —Joshua 24:15
– Pooks

 

 

By pooks82

Thinking’s nothing without actually Doing

Life just keeps going on.

This weekend my friends and I went to Nuit Blanche. Good times with good company.  Prior to our touring of the festival, we got fire men to honk their horn at us. When they came back the other way, they honked their horn at us without us having to signal. How awesome is that? It was an excellent way to start the evening.

I didn’t get home until 2am. Even after the fact, I was still wired with adrenaline. So I missed church again. But my friends that I go with were pretty understanding.They had fun too, which I’m glad to hear. They caught the last bus home around midnight. Melishee, Ducky, and I were out and about until the festivities were officially done for the night. So yeah, it was a long night for me. An all nighter for me actually.  Which probably does no good to my sleeping habits lately, but it was so worth it.

As for my Sunday. I used it to rest. Minus the moment when I got dressed real quick and went flying out the door. I rushed my ass over to EVAC to submit my art into this years Ladyfest. So there ya have it. 2 of my original art pieces are up for grabs at Ladyfest, which include my “Self-Portrait”, and “Rise of the Maggot”. Both are mixed media pieces. My “Self-Portrait” is on sale for $80.00, and 20% will go to supporting Safe Space. Which is run out of EVAC. I had people interested in purchasing my self-portrait, but since I never heard boo from these people. I’m not going to keep this piece on hold forever, so yeah, now it is available to whomever actually purchases it at this event. None of this, all talk, no action crap. As for “Rise of the Maggot”, that piece will be $75.00, and 20 % goes to Safe Space. Which is an image of my symbol of strength. The image I draw, paint or whatever that says to me; “Don’t to give up. Keep fighting.” That’s right. Those that know, my gas mask girl/ warrior.

Ladyfest is June 21- 24th, 2012.  Friday June 22nd is the Lady Fest Launch Party at EVAC, and that I will be attending.

Tomorrow, or I should say today, I go to Leads Employment services. It’s kind of mandatory that I do, since I am on financial assistance. Even though I have been thinking more and more about school these days. I use to be unsure what direction to take. Because art can be very broad in options. But I am getting a better idea what I will want to discuss when I do meet with a pre-admission counselor. I’d rather be somewhat prepared, rather then completely clueless.

I mean, the goal is to get my children back for weekends. I will need to financially support myself enough to be able to afford to do so. I sure as hell cannot afford to support myself and my children with just $127 per month.

So yeah, I need to start thinking ahead. Thinking and planning my future. Not to the point where my heads stuck in the future. But ya know? Start setting myself goals to make this happen. Yes, living in the present is great and everything. But I do gotta start thinking about what I want. No. I can think about all these things all I want. What I need to do is put it into action, and that’s where I get caught up. Sometimes I look forward to change, other times I fear it.  I’ve gained a lot this past year, and a part of me is afraid to lose that. What if I lose touch with all these amazing people I’ve met?  I know the ones worth keeping are with me no matter what. Maybe I’m afraid to find out who isn’t.  Fear of loss. Fear of getting hurt.

I just know I cannot keep doing this each month. So I will give up my money I’ve used for addictions to make this happen. Smoke money, caffeine money. All I need to do is purchase a thumb drive next month and call the College up and book an appointment. Baby steps, one thing at a time. It will be worth it.

My last visit with my children may have been a challenge, and I’ve failed to make my son happy. Fortunately, I will get another chance. But I am not going to be a pushover. I am a mama, and this mama deserves respect. All I want to do is be something positive in their lives, be able to create positive memories with them. That is it, that is all. If I can inspire them, even better.

I seem to be inspiring people around me without even trying. It’s getting difficult to be original when you start becoming trendy. Things I say, things I do. I guess it’s a good thing. Even though I literally do my best not to blend in, or fit in this world. I’m having a positive effect on other people. Whatever, I will just keep doing what I do. And that’s being me. Weird, random, clumsy me. People can mimic and imitate all they want. But I will always be me, and they will always be them. I appreciate the admiration, it is flattering. So not only am I creating friends, I’m creating fans. Miigwech. – Pooks

 

By pooks82

Unsent

Hi █████ ,
I was thinking. Perhaps after this next visit with Anakin and Dakota, maybe we could try alternating the children when it comes to the visits. Both demand a lot of attention, which is understandable, they have not seen me for a while. But so that Dakota isn’t getting hurt the moment my attention is off Anakin, I was thinking that maybe alternating them between visits might be the way to go. That way, they both get quality one on one time with each parent. I was thinking, one visit could be with just Dakota. The next, with just Anakin. Then both. And keep it in that kind of pattern throughout visits.
I’m not sure if you mentioned what Anakin had said during the last visit to █████ yet or not. But I was talking to a friend, and she said that maybe Anakin may need to see a psychologist or counselor. He’s clearly got anger issues, which he takes out on Dakota. And the whole “I’m going to go kill myself” thing, was a bit alarming. Not sure where he got that from. Surely not from me, and if he’s getting it from █████ , like over hearing █████ say these things, then maybe  █████ might want to look into some counseling or something. It’s just a suggestion. I know C.A.S and Madame Vanier claimed that Anakin is okay and better off with the █████ , but this behavior is telling me otherwise. Dakota said that Anakin hurts her a lot. That or maybe you might want to tell █████ to have Anakin play more child appropriate video-games. Not violent games meant for adults where he’s killing zombies or Grand Theft Auto. Which basically glamors up the lifestyle of a criminal. Picking up hookers, killing people, and stealing. That may be normal to █████ and his family background.  But children Anakins age you’d think would be doing more than just sitting in front of a screen playing violent video games. Bike riding, building forts, stuff like that. They may be a bad influence.
I know me coming back into the picture is a lot to cope with too. And Anakin may not understand the reasoning of my absence. Unfortunately I can not tell him. At least not yet, but one day he will understand about abusive relationships. He will understand the truth, and be able to decide for himself. Even though he’d like me to be back with his father, hopefully one day he’ll understand why I cannot do that. And why he and Dakota are better off that I don’t.
Anakin and Dakota deserve better than what  █████ and I’s messed up relationship was. I deserve better than what our relationship was. On and off. Abusive. Honey moon phases, then back to the same cycle. I told Vanier I want to break that cycle, and I will.
I know the concerns with me have to do with cleanliness. But when I was with  █████ years ago, when he wasn’t supposed to be around. I got fed up of being disrespected. My house being disrespected. Yeah, my motivation to clean up after him went out the window. While he slept til 2pm in the afternoon or later. I think anyone in my position would have done the same, or flat out kicked him out. Which I did eventually. I mean he had his own apartment on Briarhill Avenue, but he was freeloading off of me. Sure he paid the rent for this other place, but he was barely ever at his apartment. It was I that fed him, I that kept a roof over his head, I that cleaned his mess, I that dealt with the workers and lied for his sake, I let him go buy groceries fully knowing he was pinching money for his damn drugs, Why?! Because I wanted to believe he changed. Even though he flat out told me that the program he had to attend while he had this restraining order , that he just told the people what they wanted to hear. He hasn’t changed at all. I wanted to believe that he could.
He hasn’t changed, and he’s not going to. My dad said it best; you can’t change a cheetah’s spots.
As for the whole being a risk to physically harm my children. No, if anything; I have been trying to protect and break this cycle. I have no idea how Dakota got a slice in her boot. I was on my way to bring them back home. The bus driver did not let me on the bus because I did not have the bus fee needed for Anakin. So we had quite a ways to walk back to where I lived at the time. For Dakota, that was an awful lot of walking. I picked her up from time to time. Her legs were sore, my arms were sore. She just stopped walking. She wanted to sit. So I tried to get her back to my place. Her boots dragged a little bit. But we managed to get back. I remember panicking. I kept telling them to hurry. I kept feeling like I was going to be in shit for not returning the kids home on time. I was invited to have dinner over at █████ s. But instead, I called him once we got back to my place and told him he’s going to have to pick up the kids. So he did. Next thing I know, I am being accused of slicing Dakota’s boot with a knife.
And that time where█████  █████   said my visits needed to be supervised, yeah I got pissed and stormed off. I texted █████ telling him off. I was upset. Discouraged. Desperate. I wanted to see my kids so I went to █████ s. Things seemed fine. I thought we were able to talk things out as two mature adults. But then I leave, and find out a day later he was saying nasty things about me behind my back. So things aren’t as fine as I thought. Sorry I even tried. That was stupid. Lesson learned. He’s just gonna lie to my face, talk trash behind my back. Still the same immature, insecure, tantruming little boy I met years ago, he’s never going to change. Yep, the one that would break into my apartment to “catch me in the act” while I’m 9 months pregnant just because his “boys” say I’m cheating. I turn out to be sleeping, and he turns out to be the idiot, as usual. I swear his boys just love to rile him up. Those aren’t friends. But whatever, he considers them to be.
I’m just happy to be out of all that shit. If I could, I’d take my children with me. But he is their father, and they love him. So I must respect that.
There was a time I use to care for the guy. That died pretty fast, and all I had to do was get knocked up. Then it became something like just wanting to be accepted. Show and prove that I could be trusted. Kinda like what I wanted from my supposed mom. But no matter what I did, no matter hard I tried, nothing was ever enough. I will never be accepted.
I’m done wasting my time on people that do not accept me for who I am.
I apologize. This letter turned into a form of ventilation. Therefore it will probably be left unsent.
I too could use counseling.  I’m on a waiting list.  So in the mean time, I cope through writing and art. I need this shit out of my system. Out of my mind. Just get it out there, ya know?  Even if that means repeating myself. If that’s what it takes to get rid of these negative emotions, so be it. Freakin take it. I don’t want it.
My children need me to remain in the present, not the past. And seeing them, and seeing him, just brought a lot of this back. So I vented, and I’m sorry. I get angry every time he enters my mind. Every time I see him. I’ve gone through a lot of bullshit with this man. If that’s what ya want to call him. Considering he sure as hell doesn’t act like one. Hopefully one day I can get past all this…Somehow all this pain is suppose to make me a better person.  All this sacrifice. Yet I feel like breaking down and screaming sometimes.  I don’t feel so strong, even though that’s what many say I am. I consider myself more stubborn, than strong. When does it end? Ya know?

I should really return to church. I’ve missed 3 weeks, and I seem to get more answers from there that make sense, then I do anywhere else.

Sincerely,

Pooks

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way so that people can see that you are honorable. Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible. Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, “I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it,” says the Lord.

– Romans 12:17-19

So I do nothing. Except what I have been doing. I wait patiently.

By pooks82

Too damn Sensitive

Second visit, not so easy. It was fine until I had to deal with the whole “You’re not dad, I don’t live with you. I don’t have to listen to you.” crap. I think I did well. Handled it okay. But I am hurt. I tend to take things personally, even though I shouldn’t.

Anakin has every right to be angry. I was gone for a year. I just wish there was a way to tell him why, without bad mouthing his father.

So I’m crying. Actually letting myself do so. I cannot bottle this up, and ignore it.

Anakin got a time out during the visit for pushing Dakota down, and throwing rocks at her. He climbed up on the monkey bars, and said that’s where he’s having his time out. I said no, I say where his time out is. And that’s where things spiraled downwards. After saying “You’re not dad, I don’t live with you. I don’t have to listen to you.” I told him I’m still his mother. But who am I kidding? Ya know? He’s learned a lot of disrespect from his father. When Anakin was 5, and he lived with me, even then, no respect. I was just called a crazy bitch, I’m not dad. So now I actually put my foot down, follow through with discipline, what does he say? He says:  I’m going to go kill myself. I was shocked to hear those words out of his mouth. I even asked the worker if she just heard what he had said? It’s concerning. Madame Vanier and C.A.S said Anakin is okay, yet here he is saying He’s going to go kill himself. Does that seem okay to you?! No. And he sure as hell is not getting this shit from me, I’ve been absent for a year.  And all he can talk about is violent video games. So clearly his Dad lets him play video games that are not appropriate for children his age, such as Grand Theft Auto. To anyone that does not know about that game, It’s Rated for adults.  You kill people, steal shit, it basically glamors up the life of a criminal.

The visit did not end well. Anakin said he never wanted to see me again. He didn’t even bother to hug me when it was time to part ways. Just because I gave him a time out. Seriously? Are you not disciplined?  That’s the way he’s acting. Like he can do whatever he wants at home. His dad doesn’t care. And as usual, I get shit on. for so much as trying to lay down boundaries and rules.

Positive. think positive. It started good. I took some pictures. We played in the sand, and played hide and seek. Then …Anakin and Dakota had a disagreement what to play next. Anakin wanted to play log tag, Dakota wanted to play Fairy Tag. Since we always seem to do whatever Anakin wants, I suggested that we play both.  Take turns kind of thing. Heaven forbid we do that. Dakota got pushed down. ect, etc.

It’s been a rough day. And I know Anakin does not mean what he says, and I shouldn’t take it to heart but I do.  If I could take all the anger and hurt away from him I would. The pain his father and I caused.  I just wish I could tell him, but he’s too young to understand about abusive relationships. And why I cannot go back. One day he’ll understand, and maybe then he won’t hate me so much.I know he’s just doing what children do, they test people to insure their safety. But does he have to be so mean about it?

I’m praying that the next visit, which will hopefully be next week, will turn out better. I love my children dearly. I’ve missed them a lot. Everyday can’t be perfect, and as painful as it was I think I survived this challenge. Kudo’s Mama! – Pooks

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By pooks82

Recognizing the Possibilities

Today has been a good day. I seen a lot of good friends this evening at the Ark, including Dave & Christine. That was a nice surprise.

Christine and I went to the movies yesterday and watched Madagascar 3. Awesome movie. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you do. Also, we went to the bridal shop and Christine tried on a wedding dress again. The same one when I went gown shopping with her last time. I’m pretty sure this is the dress. Even though it is ivory, not white, it is so her. She rocks that dress. She’s tried to find other dresses, but compares it to this particular one. I’m tellin ya, this is “the dress”. I knew it the moment she spotted it in the store. It wasn’t one of the original ones she had picked out to try on that day, it just stood out to her, so she asked if she could also try that one on.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, 2 of my friends are getting married. It is so exciting. I am so honored to be one of their bride-maids.

Anyway, this evening. I even saw Gi-gi. Even though she tried to say I gave her her cold. That’s news to me since I haven’t been sick for a looooong time, and haven’t really seen Gi-gi in about a month or two. Strange accusation to make if ya ask me. She’s a sweetheart though. even though there are times where she confuses me. Take this evening for example, the whole cold accusation. Whatever. The thing I like about her is that she is always giggling.

Nuit Blanche is this Saturday downtown. For one night only, the city of London will come alive with contemporary arts activities, free. Last year there were these musical blacksmiths. They were awesome. I am hoping they make their return this year. A bunch of us are going to meet at the TD bank on Wellington and Dundas Street and take a tour together. It should be fun. I’m looking forward to it.  I’m hoping to have some batteries by then, so I can get a friend to record “ADC strikes Nuit Blanche.” That way all 3 of us get caught on film, it’s not just 2, and 1 recording. It should be interesting anyhow.

Mel a.k.a Melishee showed up tonight with a t-shirt that is so her. It’s purple, and it says; “Yeah Buddy.” Which she says a lot since she’s been watching Jersey Shore.

As for my oil painting at the New School of Colour. What I’m liking about it is, if I screw up, I can just go over it. Haha! It’s a good thing. I noticed something tonight that will need some editing so to speak. The whole lighting/ contrast thing. It’s a dark piece. But the word I’m using in it is “Faith.”  It will make sense when I’m done.

Besides that, I think I know what I can do, job wise. But it will need some training, therefore I will have to return to school. I noticed a job post from Digital Extremes was looking for a Character Artist. I read what the job would consist of doing, and the qualifications needed. It sounds like a job I could actually enjoy.  Even though I’m not much  of a gamer myself. I think this is something I could do. I’m pretty sure my wicked imagination could come up with some awesome character ideas. So that means getting a hold of a pre-admission councilor, not only telling them what I am interested in doing, but showing them what I can do, and yeah. From there get pointed to the courses that I would need to take in order to make that happen. I think that is a job/ career I would be willing enough to do, and use that to invest in my own thing. What I really want to become; a multi-media surrealist artist. I could totally do this.

I mean, I was thinking of just getting a retail job, or some customer service job, and investing in my own thing that way. I mean, I would learn some valuable things about sales and the business so to speak. But, no one will hire. If not given the chance, I might as well just go back to school and try something else. Something better. And hopefully not muck it up with these messed up patterns of sleep.

So many possibilities, it’s time to decide.

Anyway, I will end this post with a video. A message from me, Pooks. xoxo

By pooks82

Family Ties

I slept in today. So I did not make it to EVAC’s Drawing Jam, I think the tables were brought over to the Car Free event anyway. Which I did not make it to that either. There was also something going on on Princess Avenue. Their own little fair, or something. I missed that too. Apparently summer is here. One thing I love about summers in London, Ontario are the festivals.

I’m looking forward to Nuit Blanche this year. It is free event and museums, galleries, alleys and lane ways show artistic displays. Last year I thought the musical blacksmiths were cool. So I hope they make a comeback this year.

Anyway, things are good. Minus the fact I’ve fallen back into old sleeping habits. But lastnight was different. I went for an aimless 2 hour walk. It was a gorgeous night to do so.  I was drinking a small bottle of coke. So caffeinating and walking do have their side effects, as I’ve come to find out after I went to go visit my friend Sarah. I banged on her door around 2:30am scaring the crap out of her. That was funny. Anyway, She told me to remind her to tell her to tell me the Green Gorilla Story. She said I will want to slap her by the end of it, when she remembers. I started laughing uncontrollably, and every time I tried to stop I’d just laugh harder. Geez! She didn’t even tell me the story yet! What the hell?! I blame it all on caffeine.  It was a good laugh. The kind that gets your tummy to hurt. Plus, I’d rather be laughing uncontrollably, than crying uncontrollably.

What else? My next visit with my children is on Tuesday. I’m not sure where yet, and it depends on the weather. I’m hoping we go to a conservation area. I love seeing Anakin run and climb freely. During our last visit, Dakota reminded me of Cinderella. My little princess kept losing her shoe. It was cute.

Besides that, I am going to be a bridesmaid. 2 of my friends will be getting married. Not sure when, but it is very exciting. I love hanging around them, they are so grateful, and positive. Not to forget, that Christine is a lot like me when it comes to being one to go against the grain. We get along great. And Dave, he’s one of my friends that got me involved with the New School of Colour. He’s been a good friend. They’ve both been. I’ve been able to talk to them about things I normally don’t around most people. It’s good to have friends to feel comfortable to open up to.Then there’s Melishee and Ducky. It’s good to be able to clown around and not have a care in the world what others think. And of coarse Julie, who has probably known me the longest here in London. She got me out of one abusive relationship, but we kinda lost touch when I starting seeing my children’s father. So there’s a lot of catching up to do. A good 5 year gap. She’s very supportive, just as she’s always been.  I can talk to her, I can go to her and rant if I’m upset about something. She’s awesome that way.  Those 5 people I value dearly. They have become my best-friends, and my family.

“Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what.” – Unknown

That’s a good quote. Because the family I was raised in, was kind of messed up. It’s a broken family. I lost touch with my dad, although I respect him. I know he understands abuse. He was abused my mom verbally.  He apologized to me for the times she abused me physically and he didn’t do anything. I understand better these days. He was just trying to keep his family together. Trying to be the loyal father and husband. Out of fear, he did nothing. I know that fear, it’s not a good place to be. I’m glad he’s not there no more. My parents separated. My dad moved onto another relationship. I hope they are still going strong. As for my mom, who knows?! I stopped talking to her entirely after she tried to drag me into a problem that has nothing to do with me. No! I don’t want to engage in talking trash about my sister. So yeah, go fuck yourself basically. My Aunts on her side aren’t too happy with me either. They just see me as the big “fuck up”. And heaven forbid if any other family speaks of me in a positive manner. Anything spoken of me is only to be used as a negative comparison. They’re fucked in the head. I’m better off without them. Although, my uncle and cousin from her side have been more understanding and supportive. Which I appreciate. They act like family, more then the adult women in that family. I cut contact with my brothers. For their sake, and my own. That way my mom can’t use them to dig information about me. Just so she can talk more trash. I’ve never been into this gossiping crap, my brothers say they don’t either, but I know that’s a lie. I overheard conversations they had with my mom about my sister.  So yeah, if that’s what they do behind my sisters back? What would they do behind mine?! That’s not a family. Families don’t do that to each-other. My sister, whose also been adopted from another family. Her life has probably had more struggles then my own. Yet she always looked up to me, calling me strong. Even though our lives took two very different paths, that bond is still there. She is my little sister.

As for my biological family. There is suppose to be a re-union this summer, and I am to get prices for bus fare to get up north where it is being held. I admit, I am hesitant. These people are my family, but they are strangers to me. Not complete strangers, I’ve talked to some here and there. But it’s not like I KNOW them ya know? For some reason, I am procrastinating. I am a bit scared. I have a brother and sister out there I’ve never even met before. Well, I was in a foster family with Percy. But I was too young to remember. The farthest back I can remember is leaving a family. A reserve. I was bundled in blankets on the bed of a truck. Maybe I think I won’t be accepted. Like my foster mom never accepted me. I don’t know. Or maybe I think I’ve been too urbanized to handle the bush. No, that ones an excuse. Why I’m making excuses? I don’t know.  I’m a little chicken shit sometimes. It’s one of those things, where ya either leap or you don’t.

One of my greatest fears to end up like my mother ( Elizabeth King, R.I.P), murdered. I think if I didn’t get out of that relationship I was in with my ex, I probably would have been. I remember my “supposed” mom saying if that were to happen on the bus, she’d sue the bus company. Thanks for caring, clearly money is more important. Luckily that has never happened, and I am still alive and breathing. I’m grateful. There’s still more life in me to live, and that’s what I plan on doing. – Pooks

By pooks82

Grasping the Difference

I know it’s been awhile since I have taken the time to type out a blog post.  Things seem to be all on hold, and I am just floating in space kinda ordeal.

I did have a visit arranged for last Friday with my children, but my daughter had gotten sick. So I’m pretty much waiting to hear from the worker so that we could book another time and day.

I have not heard back from Daya counseling yet, or Leads Employment services.  I am waiting for appointments to begin with them sometime this month.

At the moment, I am currently waiting for paint to dry. I seem to be waiting for a lot of things. Whatever, I started sketching something out, then began to paint with acrylics. It was very spontaneous. It’s like; Medusa meets Eve all rolled into one. Correction; Kali meets Eve. If I finish it on time, I just might submit it into this years Ladys Fest. This year Ladys fest is fundraising for Safe Space. A  program run out of East Village Arts Co-op for women on the streets,  women that “work” the streets”, or women in crisis.

As for the oil painting I got going on at the New School of Colour. I am still trying to wrap my head around manipulating oil paints. It’s been a challenge, and more time consuming. That piece is more detailed than the one I got here at home. Although, I am getting assistance on it, thanks to Jeremy Jeresky ( the head facilitator and founder of New School of Colour) . He’ll show me a technique, I watch, then I try it on my own. I am visual learner. I got kind of a photographic memory, one of those peeps. Although, not the best memory, my limit is 3 things. One thing at a time. Too many things at once tends to overwhelm me.

So no finished projects as of yet.

Besides that, I hang out with my friends creating video’s for YouTube. Ducky and I take turns recording, editing, and posting these videos to YouTube and FaceBook I go by the name Pooks ( as I do with my art), and my friends are Melishee and Ducky. We basically get wired on caffeine, and record it. We call ourselves the Anti-Drug Crew, since no illegal substances had been used at all during our videos. Even though caffeine and nicotine can be considered drugs, but they are legal. Anyway, we mostly film from 2 locations; The Ark Aid Street Mission, or Tim Hortons. We are all on financial assistance, but that’s besides the point, it’s a good way to stay out of trouble ( besides the trouble we cause, which is pranks and putting our favorite people on the spot), and not only do we support Tim Hortons, we are proof that it is possible to have fun without alcohol or illegal drugs. What I like about it is that we have no shame making complete asses of ourselves, and we throw it out there. Something I noticed with society is a lot of people are so uptight, and so serious. It’s like they fear humility. So much to the point where people get offended by our craziness.

We had this one girl, desperately do whatever she could to put a stop to us. She thought what we did was plain out stupidity. She criticized our videos and yet made herself look like an idiot. That’s just my opinion. She was trying to say we were insulting the police by saying they got “big balls”, I told her that was more of a compliment. Which it is. Anyways, problem solved. She’s been banned.  She tried to say what she was doing was constructive criticism. Nuh uh, as an artist, I know the difference between flat out criticism, and constructive criticism. If it was constructive, she would have given us something to work with. Did she do that? No, she was  just bitter and bitchy. Doing whatever she could to insult us. A miserable person trying to drag us down to her level, because she does not like to see us so happy. Misery loves company. People try to destroy whatever is different. And yeah, we are definitely different. For example, I was wearing a bright yellow skirt, grey sneaker/ boots/heels, etc. I was dressed feminine. But then I painted a mustache on my face and walked around in public like that. The reactions I got were hilarious.

Besides that, the whole sleep routine got thrown out the window thanks to drinking a 2 Liter bottle of Coca-cola at night. I am now back to late nights, and waking up late in the afternoon.

I’ve missed church 2 weeks in a row, and I really do miss it. I look forward to all that positive energy in one place, but when I sleep in, I miss out. Therefore, disappointed. I do have my books. “Our daily bread”, “From Faith to Faith”, “Captivating” and “The Bible”.  It’s not the same by myself though.  Even Christianity has become a part of my rebellion in this world. Trying to understand what the world is trying to shut out. Out of schools and such. When I was younger there was always Christmas plays, now it’s being forbidden. Just like how the Christmas Tree was to be renamed. What is so voodoo about it?

I’m not a full on Christian. I’ll admit that. I still have a lot to learn. There are somethings I disagree with though. Such as the thing against gay people. I’m not against gay people, as long as they don’t stoop to pedophilia. They are capable of love just as anyone else, and they were created that way for a reason.  Some people believe they were meant to be the opposite gender, whose to say they weren’t? Or maybe just to love the same gender. It is not my job to judge.

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned. ” Luke 6:37

Another thing, when it comes to offering, we are to give 10% of our money to the church. What did people do before there was such thing as money? Things were traded. I am tempted to test this. What will happen if I offer my art? Ya know, Money’s value is imaginary. It feeds the greed in this world. People actually believe they are superior then others because they have a job, and look down on those who don’t. They get blinded by the system, and judge others “less fortunate”. So they think. Yet, I’ve seen these “less fortunate” people happier then those who possess and stress over this shit we call money. What does a man have when he has all the money in the world? Every object he ever desired in his possession? Definitely not what matters. I sure as hell don’t want my church to become one of those churches where it’s all about the money. All people are sinners, and we are vulnerable. Why would I want to part-take in risking, or tempting, other beings like myself by giving them something that can manifest into greed? I think even some churches get corrupted, not practicing what they preach. For example, the Pope, who gets all this fancy shit. Just saying.

“Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Luke 18:25

Anyway, besides that, I’ve been watching this show lately called “Being Human.” I noticed that Kristen Hager is in it, which was just as shocking as it was when I saw her in AVP-R. I went to school with Kristen Hager at the Golden Learning Centre in Balmertown, and the Red Lake District High-school in Red Lake. No I wasn’t buddy-buddy with her, far from it. Matter of fact, her friend Megan hated my guts ( No idea why) so I kept my distance. Although I do recall Kristen showing a video in class back when she was in grade 7, I was in 8. I think her family made videos to help sell homes, realtors or something, anyways Kristen was in the videos at a very young age. She was always in school plays, dancing and acting. She’s always wanted to be an actress. So it’s just cool to see that she’s actually doing it. I respect that. Someone is putting Red Lake, Ontario on the map. Way to go Kristen.

Anyway, I’ll finish this blog off with a video I made a couple days ago.  Me through the years, I was a freak back then, even though people tried to change me, ya can’t. I was, and will always be that misunderstood “freak”.  Pooks, the Alien Goddess. It feels good to say that proudly. I’m not the only one, even John Lennon was a “freak”. People are scared of anything different, and fear causes people to be destructive.

“I’m not going to change the way I look, or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life, and I have to live with that, you know. I’m one of those people.” – John Lennon

Enjoy. – Pooks

By pooks82