As I wait…

As I wait for my family to get back to me with a confirmation number so I could pick up my bus ticket. I’m pretty much stranded and left hanging. The only info I was given was that my bus leaves in the morning. I’ve been awake all night. Showered around 6:30am. Called the GreyHound around 7am. Only to find out that they cannot tell me my route or give me my ticket until I can give them the confirmation number…which I do not have. I was not given any details.

So I’m starting to think that maybe my discombobulation and lack of organization may just run in the family. I already had one cousin admit that she too has the same problem when it comes to being punctual.

Since I am waiting to hear back, I might as well blog…or fall asleep.

I know I haven’t been very positive lately. Hopefully that will change.  Ultimately I am control on what I let into my world, and what I let effect me. So I can just as easily shut it out. Even if some may disagree with that choice. But that’s what I do, kind of a defense to protect myself. I will block it out, or kind of ban it from my world.

I did the same to my mom. I had to. Nothing she says is positive, and people like that mentally drain you.  She would always vent. Criticize. It seemed like she couldn’t say anything to express gratitude. I told her the same thing “I am not a psychiatrist.” And she too got all pissy with me. But she’s one of those people; You’re wrong, she’s right. The world evolves around her. I’m just expected to sit there and take in all her negative bullshit that she vents. So that she can feel somewhat better, and leave me …drained. That’s the best word to describe it. You sit there and listen to someone speak negatively enough it’s like a demon sucking your energy, or taking your light. People like that are selfish, they take and take.  Rather then trying to change or put a stop to what it is that is causing them to do this, they continue this habit.  So when I sense that kind of thing, yeah, I tend to want to put a stop to it as soon as possible.

You’ve already witnessed what it does to me inside my head for yourselves. It’s not good. Not only is it draining, it’s contagious.

Anyway, in my last blog I mentioned a little about being an artist, and having to push limits and boundaries. I guess that’s something I noticed years ago. Back in high-school actually when I started to become fascinated with Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali and Slipknot.  Everyone I look up to, has all done it. They’ve all had to go against the grain. Take risks, and shock the world.

A lot of people do not understand Marilyn Manson. But he is an artist in so many ways, musically, artistically, he’s even made himself a work of art.

So yeah, a lot of people are going to disagree with things I do. Even if I’m posing half nude. I’m gonna be misunderstood. But that’s the road I’m taking. Not pornography. That image I created  of myself is meant to be artistic. Not pornographic. Pretty much baring all, no make-up. No hair gel. Completely natural. But showing no private parts either.It’s symbolic. At that time in my life, a re-birth.

I’m following the lead of my ideals, they seem to know what they are doing and have succeeded.

I was watching an interview of Salvador Dali, and I laughed. When he said what he enjoys doing the most is “becoming more Dali.” I understand that completely, because I am becoming more “Pooks”.

Another thing I’ve noticed with the people I admire is that there is some kind of duality within themselves. For example: Marilyn Manson’s name is two names combined; Marilyn Monroe & Charles Manson. Which is symbolic of a ying- yang, light & dark kind of thing. So even though a lot of people may just see the darkness of Marilyn Manson from first impressions, there is a light side as well.

Salvador Dali said there is the artist, and then there’s this Charles Chaplin kind of comedian side to him.

Corey Taylor, a front-man for two completely different kind of bands; Stone Sour and Slipknot. He uses music therapeutically. Through slipknot he fights his inner demons, his morbid thoughts.And he gives a visual expression or interpretation of what those thoughts create through his masks. As for Stone Sour, the band is very diverse. But it also allows him to express a more sensitive side.

Anyway, I’m not feeling so negative anymore. Kind of relieved at the moment.Not sure what is going on with this trip to Trout Lake. I was just told my bus leaves in the morning. And since no one is getting back to me with a confirmation number, I might just go to bed. I’ve been awake all night cleaning and packing. I’m kind of getting tired now.

It sucks I cancelled my visits and appointments for something not well thought out. I could have seen my children today. But hey, I don’t think any of us have done this before. They booked and arranged things on their end. But yeah, lack of communication.  Shit happens. I’m going to bed. – Pooks

By pooks82

A word before I go

I think I know why this male friend I use to be close friends with is so distant now. Perhaps my struggles are too painful to watch.

The same applies with me and this other person/ ADC member. I’ve experienced abuse since childhood, and when she talks about her boyfriend verbally abusing her. It brings a lot back.  And watching her repeat the same thing over and over has become unbearable.  I feel I must do what my once male friend has done to me and walk away.  There is nothing I can do, and certainly cannot watch or hear it. If I continue, I will spiral down into depression, and it will bring me down. I’ve come to far to go back where I was mentally. A very dark unhealthy place, slowly killing myself.

She vents online. What she needs is a professional to vent to, and maybe her problems would cease to repeat itself over and over.

I need help too. I am on a waiting list. I know I am not 100% perfect or innocent. I wish this person would stop saying that I make myself out to be, which I don’t!  If I was perfect and innocent, I would have my fuckin kids! If I was perfect and innocent and just did whatever I was told, I’d still be in an abusive fuckin relationship!! Trying to make everyone fuckin happy!! But I realized that is impossible. So I have to be imperfect! I have to say no!  And I’m sorry if my best form of communication is written or typed, why is that? Because no one fuckin listens when I fuckin speak! I always get cut off. Spoken over.  I’ve learned my voice is most effective in this form. I may have abused it to get my point across, but no one listens unless I get pissed off!!

This ADC crap, I am done. Figures she’d have a novel of a tantrum waiting for me. Ya know, it’s okay for her to talk about others online, but when someone mentions her, Heaven fuckin forbid!

Anyway, she is not doing my mental health any good. So I will do what I can to stay away from her, and keep the peace. Even if that means, changing my routine, and not going where I usually go. It’s not like I’ve never made sacrifices before.

I cannot deal with her crap, and I shouldn’t have to. So I’m not going to. I’m just going to walk away.

I am hoping that I can get out of the city for awhile. My biological family has been putting a lot of work in putting a family reunion together. So hopefully I can escape temporarily. Being isolated surrounded by nature could be healing. If not relaxing. I feel like I am in great need of a vacation.

I’ll rebook appointments and visits when I return. Those I can re-book, this re-union I don’t think I could re-book. Hopefully by then, I’ll have better focus. Because I have lost track. I’ve been distracted. So hopefully when I return, focus on my responsibilities, and my goals.  Not posting  meaningless videos on youtube for ADC. Which is being taken way too seriously. It is NOT a career.  And that is NOT my dream. Obviously. That is somebody elses.

I picture myself as Pooks. What is Pooks? Pooks is a surrealist, a painter, a photographer, a writer, an illustrator, a mother, a sister, a child, a sinner, a believer, a dreamer, a lady with an edge, a survivor, a rebellion, a stubburn, creative, imaginative, spontaneous, random, expressive, playful, determined, analyzing observer that can manipulate objects, tools or mediums and turn it into something else!!

Anyway, I’ve been dealing with a lot of drama. And people saying shit like how I “should” be.  I’ve snapped, and cannot take it anymore. Even an old bowling coach isn’t pleased with what he see’s. Plus he’s judging me from “profile pictures”. The first one he’s seen of me was half nude. Even though you still cannot see shit. But he was all like “Oh, I see what you’re doing now.” Like I’m some kind of prostitute. He doesn’t get it. An artist needs to shock the world. So I will keep pushing my boundaries and testing my limits. These people are not me, they have not experienced what I have that has made me this way. Although, if this one girl keeps going in the direction she’s going, she’ll find out soon enough. I can only pray I am wrong. But I’m sick of all this negativity. Obviously I’m not “perfect”, nothing I do is fuckin right. I accept that. My mom said best, I’m a fuck up. At first that bothered me. But then I accepted it. If I never fuck up and make mistakes, then I don’t learn jack shit.

Lots of things will be changing. Friends come and go. Friends don’t make each-other suffer. Friends give each-other light.Those that do not like me, or what I have to say can go fuck themselves! – Pooks


By pooks82

Growth of Self-Dignity Burns

Today the New School of Colour got a surprise visit from an old friend, Hailey Tallman. It was nice to see her again.

I couldn’t work on my oil painting because the paints that I use seemed to have been M.I.A. So I just took a matte board and started something different.

I wish there was more I could have shown Hailey, but there really hasn’t been any new art pieces that I have completed since she had left for Montreal. I was too distracted with Anti-Drug Crew. Speaking of that, I have “resigned” from it. It takes a lot of my time to edit, and it’s lost it’s point. It use to be about making people laugh. But then one member decides to try to turn into something more serious. Awareness, or spreading the word.

She had got in a religious dispute with people from Harvest Bible Chapel at Sunfest. About how she thought standing on the corner of an intersection wasn’t necessary, and it basically forces “the spoken word” onto people. Well, I think her idea of an Anti-Drug Crew video,recording us at Prayer-Fest isn’t any different. It’s basically doing the same, throwing it in peoples faces. So yeah, I think it’s a bit hypocritical. And as I said before, one of ADC’s members is a pagan. She is making all the decisions without any ones consent. I don’t remember recruiting her as the “leader” that says how shit goes. A line needed to be drawn. You cannot control the Pooks.

Plus, the day Prayer-Fest happens to be on is the same day as my freakin Birthday. I think I should be the one to decide what the heck it is I am going to do on my own birthday. Ya know?! So yeah, all this controlling bullshit, no bueno.

So I have decided that I will not record, or edit anymore videos for Anti-Drug Crew. I am out. I will just use my camera for personal use only.

Things this evening were a little tense due to my decision. But if I respect myself, I should be allowed to voice my opinion. My words are best spoken written and typed out. And that’s exactly how I got it out.

Besides that, I just e-mailed Digital Extremes. They are a company that creates video games. This is my first time ever doing this. But I e-mailed asking them what kind of training/ education is needed to become a Character Artist. I told them that I am preparing myself to see a pre-admission counselor at Fanshawe College. I know that I am under qualified, but I love art. That is a position, or something similar, is something I am interested in and could do. So, yeah. That was a bit of a spontaneous move. I guess it’s just a “wait and see what happens next” kind of thing.

What else? I think I may just delete a contact from my cellphone. We were close friends last year, but this year he seems to just ignore and avoid me. Point taken. I’ll return his thumb drive, and he won’t hear another word from me. He gets a job, and that’s great, but he turns into somebody completely different. He forgets where he came from. He acts like he’s ashamed of it. He use to visit the shelters that supported him. He use to be grateful. I don’t know. It happens to people when they get employed. They start to think they are too good. Yeah, confidence is great. But being shallow and greedy isn’t. Money isn’t everything. Plus I think we are just two completely different people now. He’s more of a chef, than an artist. I am still the artist. He’s atheist, and well… I am pretty much on a stumbling spiritual journey that has led me to Christianity. The reason I say stumbling is because I know I’m not 100% Christian. I cuss, I am rebellious, I will always sin. I am human. I am new to Christianity, and still learning like a pupil. The never-ending pupil. Maybe this old friend hasn’t changed at all, maybe it is I that have.  Maybe I’m just seeing things differently.

I guess my point is, friends make an effort to be a part of your life, and well… perhaps I’m starting to see which ones aren’t even trying.

Lots of things are changing, I sensed it would awhile back.  I use to fear it. Some changes hurt, and are uncomfortable. But I think I am finally ready. I accept that things are changing, I will no longer fight it and try to hold onto what I can’t.  I have the tendency to do that quite a bit I realize. Only to learn later on that I am trying to do the impossible. Hold onto a moment in time, but it will always continue to push me forward wither I want it to or not. Just accept it, and move on.- Pooks

By pooks82


As usual, I go to people that have more experience in life when I am feeling distraught. Either Julie or Christine.  Last night I went to see Julie.

Life has it ways of turning the tables. And these last few days has been like looking at myself a  couple years ago, and I being put into the position of my sister.

I’ve been given another perspective. Which can only mean I have grown, and am not as naive and gullible as I use to be. I have gained wisdom.

It kind of sucks though, being in this position. You feel completely helpless. After awhile you realize there is nothing you can do but let go, and let things run it’s coarse. I’ve done what I can and shared what I know, shared my own experiences.

When you care about someone, you don’t want to see them suffer. Not only is it painful for them, but it is painful for the people around them. And as much as you try to warn, try to help, you cannot force. Even though you wish you could.

As much as I hate hearing about it. I will just have to do what my sister did for me. She may not have liked or agreed with my choices, but she was always there. Even when I pushed her away, she waited until I let her back in. She welcomed me with love.

I can only pray and hope that she’ll be okay, and no harm comes her way. Just as I did, she is giving him the benefit of the doubt. And continuously forgiving his repetitive “choices”. I kept trying to tell her, you cannot change someone. Although she keeps trying. That, and pressuring marriage because she’s co-dependent. I keep saying slow down, get to know the guy. Love is acceptance. She’s even somewhat in denial, saying that it is okay that he treats her this way, she’s had ex-boyfriends that treated her worse.

As for the way she’s been starting to treat me, my friend brought up an excellent point. She doesn’t have any control in her relationship, so she is trying to find something she can grasp some control on; her friends.

I will pray for her. Abuse is a vicious cycle, and it is hard to get out of. He’s verbally abused her for a year now, so obviously she’s not that confident as she makes herself out to be. It will continue until she believes she deserves better than that. – Pooks

By pooks82

Attraction v.s Repulsion

I am feeling very anti-social today. I just really need my space. Especially from this one person.

I’ve mentioned her before, and her unhealthy relationship. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I say; it just seems like she gets off doing the exact opposite of my advice or suggestions.  Wither I try to support her relationship, or suggest she get out of it. She’s flip-flopping. That kind of drama drives me nuts.

So not only does she seem to get off on doing the opposite of my suggestions, she’ll make an ass of me for saying these things. Try to make me look like I’m the bad one. HELLO!! If the dude is such a great guy, than post how great he is rather than saying all the shit that makes him out to be an abusive prick! Obviously if you point out the negatives people will comment suggesting you to leave, because they are your friends and are concerned for your well being. It doesn’t take a fuckin genius to figure that out. But no, she shits on her friends who say the opposite. So ya know what? I’m just gonna shut my mouth. I’ve tried to help, I just got shit on anyway. She’s on her own. If she gets abused, she gets abused. It is no longer a “mistake”, it is her choice to remain in that kind of relationship.

It’s retarded! She’s all like boo hoo! Boo hoo! He called me a slut! He says I’m not worthy of his unconditional love, etc etc. Then she defends him when people are hating on the guy. Gee! I wonder why. If she didn’t express so much hate over her facebook, people would not feel this way towards her boyfriend.

Common fuckin sense. I guess not enough people have it these days.

I admit, I did the same shit when it came to my ex. It’s no wonder my sister got pissed and fed up with me. I don’t blame her. If this is the shit she heard from me, I now understand. It’s frustrating as hell. But I guess everybody has gotta learn for themselves.

Same shit happened with someone that use to be my best friend up north. She kept posting emo statuses about her alcoholic boyfriend. Then gets pissed when people express their opinion. This situation exploded, and I am no longer friends with this person. It doesn’t help that her and her boyfriend rubbed that fact I was abused in my face. So yeah, I am better off without that shit.

So this evening, I did not speak much. I avoided this current person, and went home early. I no longer want to hear about her and her boyfriend. Ya know? Do not get me involved. I was already in that shit before, I don’t want anything to do with it now. I’m trying to better my life, not take steps back into the cycle of abuse.

Which is another thing, it seems like I am drifting. I use to go to the New School of Colour to paint, and express myself. Now I hardly have the time to do it. Because I’m too busy recording videos for the Anti-Drug Crew. It’s not my priority. It’s hers. She’s the one that dreams of becoming rich and famous. That’s not why I do it. I think it’s lost all it’s meaning anyways. One day it’s about making others laugh. Another day, just because a pervert tried to pick her up suddenly ADC is about awareness, and today she hands me a pamphlet for Prayer Fest. Suddenly ADC is about spreading the word. WHAT??! Has she seriously gone that loopy, and forgotten that one of our ADC members is NOT a Christian?! She’s a Pagan for crying out loud! And apparently this Prayer Fest is on my birthday.  Thanks for making these plans without me, I would rather make my own plans thank you very much!

As for the videos. I bust my ass off editing that shit and it doesn’t get any appreciation, because it is mostly me doing the work. I’ve mentioned numerous times that I can only record so long then I will have to pause by five minutes at a time, or it will not upload onto the computer. Or it will be a pain in the ass. What do I hear? Shit like; “Keep recording. Keep recording.” “You should have kept recording.” People don’t listen. Or I see a comment like this: “It may sound or look boring”. Should is a term to belittle, and my efforts just keep getting criticized.  I’m so close to saying Fuck it all!

Plus it’s been more and more like a battle for the spotlight between the other two. If it’s not one, the other will grab my arm and make me record her.  It’s getting ridiculous.

Another thing. Just because one wants to go indoors and talk to a volunteer, does not mean I have to as well. So yeah, she’s getting a bit controlling. And when people get that way, I tend to turn around and say fuck that and ditch. Don’t fuckin tell me what to do! I do my own thing.

It kind of reminds me of Nuit Blanche. We invited a bunch of people out with us. This person got all impatient and went all “Drill Sargent” on everyone, so yeah, the crowd kinda parted ways after awhile. A positive attitude attracts people, a shitty attitude repulses people. Enough said.

I’m kind of getting repulsed myself, and I’m normally a positive cheerful person.

I question her friendship. Is she friends with me, or the camera? The moment she finds out the batteries are dying, or I don’t have the camera on me, it’s time for her to go her separate way.

What I need is patience, and since I lack that today, I got myself away from it all the first chance I got. I’m feeling very irritable, and mentally drained.

I hope I can get my priorities right next week. ADC is definitely not on the top of my list. So no more staying up all night just to edit videos. ADC is basically jack assery caught on camera for entertainment. Nothing less, nothing more. They (the other two ADC members) fantasize about us having a mansion together, or apartment. No! That’s not in my head! What I in-vision are my children, and my art. I dream of a house, a backyard, me and my kids. It’s like they forget I even have kids or something.

So back to focusing on what makes me happy. My art. Hopefully I can get enough pieces done and have my own solo show sometime in the future. Hopefully I can get accepted as a volunteer at the Art Project, the experience would benefit my future goals. Hopefully I can get my butt back into school. I’m fed of this repetitive poverty crap.  Even ADC gets repetitive. Clearly I cannot stand shit that repeats it’s self. Something needs to change, and it’s not gonna change unless I make my move. First step, I’m fed up, there’s motive. My top priority is my children, and trying to create a better future for them and myself. Hopefully I hear from the C.A.S worker and see my children soon. Even if it’s just a supervised visit. It sure has been awhile.It’s been weeks. – Pooks

By pooks82

Positive Advancements

Rather than posting a bunch of statuses all over my Facebook. I think I’ll just post what’s new all together in this blog.

This afternoon I went for my appointment at Leads, and we did one of those “think fast” games. I discovered the 3 constant things on my mind, my kids, coffee, and art. Also, that when it comes to talking about battles I overcome, or difficulties, my mind goes blank. I try not to look back at the negatives, and maybe do not give myself enough credit for what I have done.  For example, getting out of an abusive relationship. Being assertive, rather than passive for a change. Sticking up for myself, and realizing I do deserve better. Maybe it’s because that success has been labelled as a failure by my supposed family members. Losing my children in the process.Life comes with some tough sacrifices, but I believe the Bibles word, and they will come home. Things will be better than I could have imagined.

My previous appointment at Leads, I did a personality test and the result I got was ENFP a.k.a “The Inspirer.” My worker said she never worked with anyone with that personality type before.Anyway, the following link will give you the details about “The Inspirer”.

I GET THE POINT! I’M INSPIRING! BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH IT?! Haha! Sorry for the minor freakout. But seriously, if it’s not people telling me I’m inspiring, it’s a personality test, or a fortune cookie.

Besides that, my worker from Leads e-mailed me a post about a volunteer position at The Arts Project. That sounds perfect. I’d learn more about the business of art getting involved directly.

As for my visits with my children, it’s been over 2 weeks since my last visit. The C.A.S worker that supervises is struggling to fit my visits in with her busy schedule, so she suggested that I get on the waiting list for The Visiting Program. That way my visits would be more weekly. As long as I see my children, I couldn’t give a crap whose watching. She wants to book a visit to talk to me about how Anakin and Dakota are coping with the visits, and how I’m doing. I hope my children are doing okay. Considering Anakin got pretty pissed at me for giving him a time-out and saying “I never want to see you again.” I think I’m okay. I’m always laughing.  Laughter’s good, and a great natural medicine on it’s own. Not sure if that is a home visit, or we meet up somewhere. I should probably clean my home just in case. It’s not that bad. Just that my laundry kinda exploded all over the place, and I need to get the garbage out. Especially after the long weekend.

Speaking of the long weekend, I seen my Dad briefly. That was nice. As usual, it’s awkward. I never know exactly what to say to him, nor does he with me. Growing up, he was either at work, or sleeping. He worked tedious long hour shifts as a security guard at a Mine up North. Even though I barely the know guy, I respect him. He got me into College the first time around. Even if I wasn’t quite ready, and ultimately clueless to what it is exactly that I wanted to do. I didn’t realize art had such a broad amount of options when it comes to picking a career. Anyway, it was nice to see him and his girlfriend. I am glad those two are still going strong.

I spent Canada Day with my ADC ( Anti-Drug Crew, girls. We had dinner at Mings Buffet. We went to see the fireworks in Harris Park and went for a coffee run afterward. We got plenty of moments on camera, lots of material to work with. Usually it is Sarah (Ducky) and I that do the editing of the videos.  Our purpose is basically entertainment. If we can make someone laugh, than that is a job well done. It is a lot of work, fun work, for free. We don’t even get paid, although we have discussed that it would be nice if Tim Horton’s paid us in Small Mocha’s for free advertising. Tim Horton’s is one of our main spots to record, besides the Ark Aid Street Mission, or “The Slutty Bench.” Haha! You’d have to find us on YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter to fully understand.

We do have some haters. People do think our videos are plain out stupidity and immature. But hey, they are not meant to be taken seriously. Minus one video where a guy tried to pick up Mel (Melishee) off the street. It is us having fun. Plus, people only hate on people they can’t have, or the people they can’t be. The more people hate on us, the more it will only intrigue others to like us. It’s funny how that works.

Besides that, I still have not heard back from Daya Counseling Services. I use to go to Daya back when it was called Interfaith. So yeah, the space case that I am is back. Probably on a waiting list or something.

Today I stumbled upon ad in the Access magazine that got me interested checking out a non- fiction book. Which is surprising, considering I’m not much of a reader. It’s a book called “The Man who quit Money” by Mark Sundeen. It got me curious. Would your life be more rich without money? I think it would. So it would be interesting to find out exactly what happens. Of course the book has already been taken out of the library in all the London locations. So I will have to wait until one is returned.

Another book I searched for at the library was “Seven Deadly Sins” by Corey Taylor. The man I idealize. It has been ordered for all the libraries in London, and is not available as of yet.

I finally picked up a 8GB thumb drive today. I know it’s something I’ve said I needed to do several times. So now I can create some kind of digital portfolio of my art. Another step forward. Yaaay!

My love life, I don’t have one. Although I have friends that think I and this other friend would make a cute couple. Maybe last year, when he had a great attitude. But he’s changed. I need someone that actually makes time for me, and he just doesn’t have the time. Plus he’s been ignoring me. Why would I want to get involved in a relationship with someone that ignores me? So no. Plus he’s a bit too serious,  mellow and chill. He just wants to settle down. I may be too crazy, and too spontaneous.

I do get men that hit on me, but nuh uh. Not interested. I’m not even sure if I am ready yet for a relationship. Ya know? I don’t want to take crap from my last relationship into the next. That’s a bit of a concern. A “what if?” What if I get too paranoid and falsely accuse? What if I compare? etc. No, I really don’t think I’m ready yet. I know I have no control over whoever I do fall in love with. But until then it’s taking things one step at time, completely clueless where it is leading me. All I know is that wherever it is I am being led to, it is good. So enjoy the moment, live for today.

Another thing that’s new, even though I missed church last Sunday. My church had a picnic out by Fanshawe Park Road. I did not have a bus pass over the weekend. I probably would have made it to church Sunday considering I did not sleep at all the night before. Anyway, on my own, I read the bible. I simply just said; “Speak to me”. And the words that stood out that day were…

“I am about to the way of all the earth,” He said. “So be strong,  show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD requires: walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go,” – 1 Kings 2:2-3

– Pooks

Even my fortune cookie tells me I’m inspiring. Perhaps I should return to writing my book; “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess.” – Pooks

By pooks82