I was going to blog last-night, but I was too exhausted.
I had my visit with my children yesterday evening. I think it went well. Minus that moment when Anakin was playing nice with a keyboard, Dakota went to turn it off on him, and Anakin grabbed her wrist and yanked her arm hurting Dakota. A worker witnessed, and came over to talk. He said something along the lines of : “you got to be able to discipline your kids.” He suggested Anakin have a time out. So I did that. Not liking that I had to do so. That’s 7 minutes of quality time with my son, gone.
I admit, I got stumped. If Dakota had let Anakin be, it would not have happened in the first place.
I don’t know. I feel as if I need to somehow prevent these things from happening. Figure out what will work to distract them both before someone gets hurt again. Yes discipline is necessary, but I just feel this could have been prevented.
Another thing I struggle with is finding something they both can enjoy. There’s quite the age gap between them, Anakin is 7, Dakota is 4. The building where I visit with the children has mostly toys suited for babies and toddlers. So I find my imagination is being put to the ultimate test.
The first visit, we managed to play house. Anakin played as a postman. That worked that time. But this time around, Anakin wanted something more athletic. So we played catch. Dakota doesn’t know how to catch. So after going in circles trying to explain this to Anakin. We finally agreed that Dakota will stand beside me, I’ll catch, and give the ball to Dakota to pass to Anakin. We even played with this small basketball net.
Trying to find a balance between the two has been challenging. I know they both haven’t seen me for a while, they both want attention. So I try to explain that we need to find things that we all can do together. If I focus too much on Anakin, Dakota gets upset. If I focus too much on Dakota, Anakin says “I hate him.” Which isn’t true at all. So it’s a little bit of a crash coarse, seeing what works, and what doesn’t.
The first visit Anakin asked if I hated his father. This time around it was Dakota. I really do not want to talk about their father during our visits, it’s about them, and my time with them. I tell them I don’t. I try to explain that some people just don’t work. Some people bring out the best in each-other, and some people bring out out the worst in each-other. Even though I try to explain, I don’t really want to discuss what happened between their father and I until they are old enough to understand. What am I suppose to say? What? You’re dad isn’t nice to mommy. He’s been a bully. No. And when the time comes, when I do have to tell them, the truth will hurt. I’m not ready to explain their father and I’s messed up relationship. And I honestly don’t think they are ready to hear it, from either sides. Even though the father most likely already begun manipulating, creating his own story of lies to justify his actions. Saying that I am sick and crazy in front of our children. My sister witnessed that in a mall a year ago. So who knows what else he’s been saying.
Yes, I’m crazy, but as a fellow artist from the New School of Colour had said; crazy in a good way. Another artist from the New School of Colour said; You are different, but great.
I think there’s two types of crazies, the crazy that I am. I do what I can to stand out and go against the grain. Kinda like an overly happy crazy. When you go through so much shit, you get to a point where shit is so fucked up you can’t help but laugh. Laughter becomes a healing mechanism. Which I do, I laugh a lot. The plus side, laughter is contagious.
I think that’s why I like “The Jester” by James Patterson and Andrew Gross so much. The main character reaches that point, and I relate to it.
Than there’s the other crazy. The kind that believes their own lies, and kind of delusional. The kind where their insecurities take over… that person sounds very familiar. Kind of like the person pointing fingers.
Ahem, anyway, last-night I went on a Super Nanny marathon. Trying to ingrain the discipline tactics into my brain. Of coarse, it takes consistency, and assertiveness.
I did take an assertive coarse years ago. Because I was very passive. Every now and then I find myself in situations where I let my passive ways return, and I have to put my foot down. It takes practice to break a cycle of behavior. Passiveness I find leads to being labeled a “victim”, or “doormat”. There is no respect, because you don’t respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself or your beliefs.
So there’s some things I will need to practice more on. Being consistent, and assertive. Not letting shit slide, or escalate, balancing things out, and perhaps learn new ways to distract.
I’m not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. But that is the best way to learn. – Pooks
The Underlined words “Pooks Turns 30” will lead you to a new vlog I posted on youtube. I just celebrated my 30th birthday, and I am grateful. I do have some amazing people in my life, I am blessed. – Pooks
Another informative blog by Kellie Holly. With a number of reasons why my answer will always be “no” when it comes to my ex.
My children need their mama alive, and for my own well being, I am better off without. Correction “our” children. But considering how many times he tries to use our children as leverage, is so not cool. – Pooks
This is a good blog (by Kellie Holly )to follow if you are, or have experienced abuse. It’s been educational on an abusers mentality, how to cope with abuse, etc. She shares experiences of her own, it’s helpful. But most importantly it shows that “you are not alone”, which an abuser will try to make you believe. – Pooks
Blog written by my favorite America’s Next Top Model ( Cycle 4) winner; Naima Mora.
I found this post very inspiring, I just had to share. – Pooks
Normally I listen metal music. But there is the odd song from other genre’s that catch my attention.
Such as the following, which I think is suited for my blog. – Pooks
You cannot possibly fathom the amount of rage I am feeling. What started it? My ex thought he’d take it upon himself to harass me on my Face Book fan page, and this blog.
It’s not like I ever mentioned his name, so he’s the only one to blame for revealing himself to the public eye.
Yeah, I am sharing my story of abuse, and my spiritual journey with this blog. If he does not like it, that’s too fuckin bad. Maybe he shouldn’t have assaulted me in the first place.
So every weaseling move he makes I am displaying for my safety, and forwarding to C.A.S and my lawyer. I already have.
I cannot believe he’d so much as ask me to even consider to add him as a friend on Facebook. Sorry, but he is far from a friend, (and he sure as hell isn’t a fan either, so coming to my FB fan page is flat out harassment) and I sure as hell do not want to be his friend. Why would I want to be a friend with someone that consistently accuses me of being a whore, and crack head? And every time he doesn’t get his way, I end up with more verbal abuse. Who the fuck would want to be friends with that?!
On one of the messages he thought he could keep private, he said “This would be an opportunity to safely correspond outside of the supervised access program.” Can you say weasel?! And safe my ass! I’d rather take my chances with the Supervised Access Program. Here he is literally trying to con me into sneaking behind the lawyers and C.A.S’s backs, again. An opportunity to safely correspond…that sounds like controlling abusive behavior. In a way, it kind of sounds like a threat to my safety.
And of coarse he tries to cover up his tracks and play innocent. “I commented and complimented your site on your private messaging option on your public site.” HELLO!! Calling someone a “Dipshit” is not a compliment. If anything, he is trying to provoke and start shit.
I ain’t fuckin stupid, don’t fuckin treat me like it either.
I am always going to say “no”, there is no reconciling in our future. So give it up. I see through the crap, and know damn well by now from repetitive mistakes, that it is all lies. I know better than to believe a single word that comes out of his bullshitting mouth.
If he we’re as smart as he pretends to be, he would have left me alone. But no, instead he violates the final order.
Damn rights I will expose every weaseling move he makes.
I am pissed that he so much as even contacted me. I thought I was getting better. But the way I feel at the moment, proves me otherwise. I wish I had a bat, and a piece of junk t.v to take these frustrations out on.
I start counseling tomorrow. I am going to need to vent, a lot.
I thought I was in the clear, that he had moved on. Obviously not.
I don’t trust him worth shit, and who knows what he’d try next. Point is, for my safety, I am keeping it public. – Pooks
I wasn’t too impressed today that I had gotten a message from someone on my Facebook fan page that I had deleted off my actual Facebook account. If I deleted, or blocked you, clearly there’s a reason for it. My Face Book fan page is used for art, and as me as an artist. So I see that as borderline harassment.
I am not interested in talking or reconciling with this person. I do not like her attitude. I don’t have to.
I’ve mentioned numerous times that I was finished with the Anti-Drug Crew, but I guess I’ve encountered another person that cannot take “no” for an answer. Why would I want to return to that? Basically just being used because I have a camera.
So what do I do when I run into these type of people? I rebel. No they won’t have their way. No, ya cannot tell Pooks what to do.
Lately, I’ve started hanging out more with a couple she mocked and made fun of. Just because she doesn’t like them, doesn’t mean I don’t have to either. Plus, as a maggot, I am to stick up for the under dogs.
I’m having to burn more bridges lately. But if I don’t want to be held back, and want to move forward, than I must do what I must.
A lot has changed while I was away for a month, so I am still trying to get my bearings.
Those that are my friends, won’t give a crap if I have a camera on me or not. I just use it on myself these days anyways. Taking self portraits whenever I get bored. The thing with the girl I’m having issues with is that she wants the spot light. Like I said before, it is my camera, I will do whatever the heck I want with it. If I don’t want to record her cock-eyed ass, than I won’t.
Friends that want ADC to reunite, are just going to have to get over it. It’s in the past, and quite honestly, it wasn’t doing me any good. If they cannot respect my priorities, than fuck them all. I’m better without. My goal is my children. They see me as their superstar, so yeah I take pictures of myself and present myself as if I were. Even though to me, it’s the other way around. My babies are the super stars. If I could, the pictures and videos would be of them. But since I am without, than yeah, it’s just me. Sorry the spot light isn’t on a cock-eyed red head.
So yeah, I’ve been reminded of the importance to move on. Unlike other people trying to hold onto a past that is pretty much over.
Everything changes, go with flow.
This other ex-friend was talking to me the other day, she was so shocked that a staff member from a soup kitchen snapped at her and this red head. I felt like saying that; I am not surprised. So now she’s all huffy about this staff member ,and has no respect for him anymore. Yet, look who she was with. This hot headed temperamentally explosive, loud, obnoxious red head. Everyone knows to be quiet during prayers and devotions. This person thinks she’s queen of the soup kitchen, and thinks she could just do whatever she wants. So if the staff member snapped, there is probably a good reason for it.
The last time I was at the soup kitchen, all I heard is rant, rant. Whine, whine! Complain, complain. So much negativity. Was it always like this? How did I not see it before?
So maybe it’s not the things around me that are changing, but myself. I really need to focus on my goal. If I keep surrounding myself with such negativity it will bring me down, and possibly lead me to depression.
Ugh! What’s with today? My page is meant for fans, not haters. Now my ex comments on a video. I’m not even going to respond. It’s probably not a good idea. I changed my cell number to avoid verbal abuse. Now he’s trying to contact me on my facebook fan page. He’s not a fan at all. He’s made that pretty clear. So I’m just going to ignore.
What’s with these people that cannot take no for an answer?! Leave me the fuck alone! Obviously I am not interested in talking to either of them!
My ex thought he could harass me and get away with it. I saved the images of those messages onto my computer and forwarded those images to C.A.S, and my lawyer. I am in no mood for this bullshit. Don’t fuck with me!- Pooks
I think this is really cool. For every “share” on Facebook, Winners donates $5 to the Sunshine Foundation. Their goal is to hit 25,000 shares by August 25th,2012, so that they can send 80 Sunshine kids on a dream lift to Disney World this fall.
Go to the link below, share a badge. Or if you’re on Twitter, tweet using the #spreadsunshine hashtag.
It’s for a good cause, and it doesn’t cost a thing. All you have to do is “share.”
Makes dreams come true for children challenged by severe physical disabilities or life-threatening illnesses. Spread a Little Sunshine.