Heaven Forbid I’m a Lady that Expressed her Opinion

“You’ve got enemies? Good. That means you actually stood up for something in your life.” – Eminem

I thought that was a good quote to start my blog with. Because once again, my opinion is getting me more haters.
Or doing things such as standing up for others or myself, heaven forbid I do that.

Remember how I started hanging out with a couple that an old friend had mocked and criticized? Being a maggot I am to stick up for the underdogs. Well… things have changed. I don’t mind the female, but it’s the male that got on my nerves. It started off with a small annoyance, he likes to comment wherever that doesn’t relate to what I have posted on my FB wall. If he’s gonna do that, and try to start a conversation that is unrelated to what I post, than he could just post directly on my wall, not on a post.

Anyway, I posted an article about Johnny Lewis‘ death. This guy made a comment like; “Having fun?” on that post. It came across as rude and unrelated to what I posted. Like, seriously, I just posted about somebody’s death, and that’s what you have to say?! So we bickered. I tried to explain to this dude about just commenting directly on my wall, and not on what I post, and he flips out. He goes and says: “What is wrong with you?” What is wrong with me?? He’s implying that something is wrong with me. That’s not cool. I am just the way I am designed to be, the way the creator made me. There is nothing wrong with me. So yeah, I found that rude. I said that he needs to work on wording things better. Friends don’t say “What is wrong with you?”, they ask, “Are you okay?” Things just kind of exploded from there. Had he just dropped it and stopped pestering me, other issues wouldn’t have been brought to the surface. But they did. Probably better off that they did and that I spoke up, other wise I’d still be silent and tolerating shit that I shouldn’t have to.

So what got brought to the surface? This guy is planning to wed his girlfriend. Yet he cannot keep his hands to himself. Whenever we hung out, I was getting groped, poked, he’d slap my ass, grab my ass, etc. He even fixed my hair to get it out of my face. I’m sorry, but that kind of shit is what you should be doing to YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Yet she does not say anything about it. She’s too passive. All he has to do is raise his voice, and she scurries like a mouse. If it were me,  and I was in a relationship, I sure as hell would not approve of my man fondling and groping another woman. That’s just wrong. So damn rights, I called him out on his behavior (ahem, sexual harassment) , and of coarse he did not like that one bit. So we are no longer friends.

I don’t have anything against his girlfriend. I think she’s sweet. I just wish she would stand up for herself sometimes.

So that’s one dispute I had gotten into. Burning yet another bridge. I don’t seem to be doing a good job at maintaining friendships lately. But if something seriously bothers me, I need to express it.

Fm96 had posted something about Johnny Lewis’ death on Facebook. You’re probably wondering who this Johnny Lewis guy is. He is an actor, he played as Kip “Half Sack” Epps on Son’s of Anarchy. Which is a show I am a huge fan of. His death had a messed up story behind it. He killed his 81 year old land lord, her cat, and his body was found on the driveway. It is assumed that he had fallen from a great height, a staircase, or the roof.  Anyway, it was discovered that he had a mental health issues, as well as drug addiction. Kurt Sutter, the writer of Sons of Anarchy said that he wasn’t surprised when he heard the news, because he noticed that Johnny was heading down a destructive path. He also said that it was unfortunate that an innocent life has been taken on that destructive path.

I am a huge Sons of Anarchy fan. Kurt Sutter is definitely a talented writer, and he draws fans in and keeps them hooked.

Anyway, back to this FM96 ordeal. They posted a picture of Johnny Lewis along with the following phrase: “Sons Of Anarchy actor, Johnny Lewis, aka ‘Half-Sack’ was found dead after allegedly murdering his 81-year-old lady. What???” I spoke up on this, because they made it sound like he was going out with an 81 year old lady. Which wasn’t true at all. So I said: “Not “His” old lady. His 81 year old land lord. I think playing a role on Sons got to his head. That tends to happen to actors sometimes. Have some respect, rather than tryin to twist words to change the story. It’s messed up enough as it is.” Another Fm96 listener said that “Saying it was because he was on that show is just stupid it has nothing to do with his role in the show, and all you make a big deal about it being his land lady clearly they knew that I got what they meant quit picking out the little things wrong when we all know you get the picture! Sad story clearly drugs or something was involved.” So I explained that in a lot of interviews with actors you’ll find that many do say that their roles do tend to rub off on them. (Maybe it wasn’t Sons specifically, he did play other violent roles in other tv series.) Anyway, I agreed that drugs probably played a big part. I also said: “And I’m sorry, but there is a big difference by saying his “old lady” compared to his “landlord”. Yes, the way things are worded do make a difference. Especially if your going to post it publicly. The way they had it, was like he was goin out with an old lady or something. It sends the wrong message. Get the facts right, word it right. Respect the dead!” This dude made a comment like “I think they know he’s not dating an 81 year old.”  That’s besides the point, that’s exactly how rumors are started. Then this other guy hell bend over addicts comes into the conversation saying that Johnny is just a disgusting drug addict. I said that that was a bit judgmental. “Addicts are people too. There’s a lot more to them than a lot of people realize. A lot of pain that they don’t really know how to deal or cope with. Calling him a disgusting drug addict is like saying your superior. No one is better than the next.” Anyway, this guy claims that he’s better somehow. That people are created equal, but don’t stay that way. That he’s been around his fair share of addicts. He had a crap ass attitude. He was all like: “Fuck addicts! They made their choice. I will judge them as I see fit. ” So I said that I have been around my share of addicts too. I tried to explain that even though their actions may not be the best, they are still good people. When they aren’t using they are just like you and I, regular people.  I refuse to treat addicts like they are forsaken, as if they deserve the worst or something. I tried to explain that addicts battle constantly on a daily basis something sober people cannot comprehend. It’s a never ending battle for the rest of their lives. They made a choice, I agree. But it led them into a vicious cycle. I encourage sobriety and I do root addicts on to recovery. He said that addiction may be classified as a disease but it takes away any accountability for the addict. And unless they take the necessary steps to get clean he does not respect them. And here is why, he poured it all out. I guess addicts have pulled a gun on him, and knives on a number of occasions. The truth comes out. I too have a personal reasoning on my end, I have seen people I love fall into addiction. I’ve seen what it does. How they treat others. But that will not change the way I feel for these people. Yeah I got angry sometimes. Yes I’ve been hurt. But I don’t stop loving. I did not bring that up though in this conversation. Unlike this guy, who thinks just because of his experiences that addicts are flat out bad people. He claims to be “better than some junkie drain on society.” Another guy came into the argument and started to stick up for my side so to speak.  They bickered. Basically after that one guy shared his personal story. I backed off. Clearly he has his own issues to work out. So instead, I posted some more articles explaining what had happened with Johnny Lewis. Then the guy that had said “saying it was because of a show is just stupid” previously in the argument, had returned and accused me of being an addict myself for sticking up for drug addicts.

Rrrright. Anyone that accuses me of doing drugs (such as my ex and “his boys” for example), are all wrong. Just a bunch of people that will turn out to look like the idiots in the end. Anyone that truly knows me, knows damn well that I don’t do drugs. My only addictions are coffee and cigarettes.

So yeah, I’ve been gaining more haters lately. But at least I am standing up for myself, and what I believe in.

– Pooks

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By pooks82

Closer to the Edge

Good morning.

I can gladly say that things are getting back on track. Appointments have been re-scheduled. I got my income tax return forms, gave them to a friend that knows how to fill it all out. I am going to be starting a fitness program this Thursday. My sleep schedule has been turned around, I’ve been waking up between 4-6:30am on my own.

Even though I am still unemployed, I did manage to gather the cuts to return some employers calls back.  I was nervous. But glad I did anyway, even if they don’t get back to me and book an interview. It’s another step forward. And hopefully as time goes on, I get better at it. Such as NOT getting tongue tied, messing up my words, and saying “blah blah blah!”  I haven’t worked for a decade, and I’ve been kinda isolated for long periods of time. So when it comes to communicating, and socializing… yeah. It tends to always get awkward somehow. Carrying on conversations is not my thing. I am more of the “listener”, and “observer”. It’s a work in progress. But I’m getting better.

Last night I got news. 2 of my closest friends will be moving out West at the end of month. They’ve been a huge support to me. I am happy for them, and also saddened because I will miss them dearly. I understand as well, matter of fact, I encouraged it. They asked me what my thoughts were, and since one cannot find a job here in London (It seriously is like a rat race with millions of other people to find work here), he would probably have better luck out west, and even earn more than we do in Ontario.  Plus it’s a new adventure, new opportunity. So definitely, jump on that. I hope to never lose touch with these two beautiful people. They’ve helped me keep it together.

So last night they invited me over for dinner, and as always, the dinner is delicious. We also had some drinks, and some laughs. One read her poems, and she sang some songs she had written. She also played some recorded tracks she did in the past. Wow. Can that woman ever sing! She use to be in a Christian rock band, and they were pretty heavy.  Her voice reminded me of Joan Jett. I was blown away. At church, I normally just hear her sing kind of melodic. I am honored that she shared that with me. Anyway, we do plan to hang out more before they venture off.  Go for a nature walk, go to the movies, go to a Knights game, were some ideas. They are also going to give me a lot of stuff that they won’t be taking with them. Such as an electric fire place, kitchen ware, couches, clothes, etc.

After they get settled in Saskatchewan, they will be getting the internet. So we plan to use Skype. Which is probably the only social media I don’t use. I do have these lesbian admirers begging that I use some form of video chat, but I’m not really into the whole video chat thing. It’s just totally awkward for me. But to keep in touch with these two friends , I will do it for them.

I wish them the best in their future. I know I will see them again. Plus they plan to be getting married, and I have been invited. Since most of their friends and family are here in Ontario, their wedding will probably take place here in London. So they will be back to visit. It’s not good-bye forever. Actually, it’s not good-bye at all.

Things are changing, that’s for sure. Perhaps this sudden routine of early mornings, and support moving away, is kind of the Creators way to kick me out of the nest, so that I could spread my wings and take flight. I am reminded of a picture that made me laugh awhile back. Than it reminded me of giving my sister the boot out of bed. Now it’s more of relating to it metaphorically. Getting so comfortable I don’t want to budge, and I’m scared to make my move. Sometimes you need that push. I feel like I am being prepared for something, that leap of faith I’ve been holding off because I’ve been too scared. Soon, I won’t have a choice but to take that leap ahead. I have to remember that I’m not alone. And that failure isn’t always a bad thing. Failure has been stigmatized as a loss, but it truly is a gain. You gain experience, and knowledge.  So if I do “fuck up” along the way, I got to try not to be so hard on myself. Instead, give credit where it is due, as another lesson learned.

– Pooks

James 1:4 – When your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We’re afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

 

 

 

 

By pooks82

Learn to Float

Okay, so even though I still am not feeling 100%. I managed to get my ass out the door and get some things done. Such as calling all the workers to rebook appointments, surely enough I got a bunch of answering machines.  So I requested that they e-mail me back.  I am running out of time on my cell, and running out of quarters for the payphone.

I also returned a call to an interested employer, and I was told to call back tomorrow. So I will.

I went and registered myself into a Spectrum program. Boxercise; which is a fitness program that improves cardiovascular health, muscle conditioning and reduces stress. So yeah, this little bag of bones will be working a sweat starting next week.

What else? I printed off copies of my resume, cover letter, and references just in case I do book interviews and I can show up prepared.

I also printed off the forms needed so that I can get my income tax return completed. I have a friend that knows how. That’s a relief. So I can forward the forms to her this coming weekend.

I decided that even though I’ve been sick and kind of depressed lately, I am going to have a good day today. Which I have. I think I cut down a fair amount of things on the to-do list, and perhaps I won’t have to stress as much.

I have the habit of doubting myself, and not even giving myself a chance to show otherwise.

It would be nice to be going to school. Wither it be something art related, writing or business. A job would be nice. Say if I felt like grabbing a poutine, I’d be able to go out and have a poutine. Or purchase things I need around the house. My backyard needs some serious work. It’s like a jungle of weeds. Even simple pleasures as in groceries, milk and bread. I would consider those a luxury. And imagine if I could even put my blender to use one day, and make smoothies. That would be wonderful. Just simple things, little things.  The only thing in my way is my attitude. I know it’s been kind of crumby lately. But I will try to work on that. I am an overly sensitive emotional spaz. What can I say? I can’t help it. It’s kind of natural.  It’s part of who I am.

Before I left the house one of my role models, Tyra Banks,  posted a quote/ picture on Facebook. Immediately my spirit was lifted. She said: “You have to tread through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. If you’re in deep waters, keep your head up!

I hope one day I can make this alias of mine; Pooks, just as great as Tyra Banks, and Corey Taylor. I have plenty of idols, each with amazing qualities I admire.

As for those two, what I noticed that they have in common. They both got a book published. Something I hope to do one day. Speaking of that, I was thinking about starting over. Starting from scratch on my own book; Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess. It was originally going to be an auto-biography. But things keep getting repetitive, and I put it on hold. Then I just start throwing pictures wherever, and it’s chaotic like my brain. Plus, an auto-biography is never really complete, it just keeps going and going..it will never end unless you die. So I am scrapping that idea, and starting over. Instead, I will do as my Aunt did, and have a book of poetry of my own. I didn’t realize my poems would get the reaction they are getting from submitting one to a web-site, and the other to a dedication book for Otep Shamaya. But like I said before, I take my own talents for granted. So everything happens for a reason. There’s got to be a reason why I held onto my poems and buried them in my closet. Plus I could start writing new material to add to it. It’s been awhile since I wrote.

There is an event coming up this weekend, Culture Days, and something peeked my interest. I think it would be worth checking out. The Professional Writers Association  of Canada and Southwestern Ontario chapter have put together an interactive series of seminars. It takes place at the Central Library in the Stevenson & Hunt Room, September 29th, 10am – 4pm. London, Ontario. They will cover topics from finding a story idea, finding a publisher, writing memoirs, etc. So hopefully I can make it out to that.

There’s an event going on this evening by Victoria Park. I’m not sure if I am going to go. It is called “Take back the Night”. I’m not 100% sure what it is about. Although the supporting organizations include The Sexual Assault Centre, The Centre for Research and Education on Violence against Women and Children, The Womens Community House, etc. That gives me some kind of idea what it is about. It might be good that I go. Or it might bring up things I have trouble coping with, things I would rather forget, and my reaction could possibly be breaking down.  I haven’t decided as of yet. I have half an hour to ponder about it. Yeah, I think I’m just gonna ponder about it for awhile…

I’ve done my research. “Take Back the Night” is geared more to rape victims. Which I haven’t really experienced. I mean, there were times where I didn’t want to have intercourse, and just had that “Just get it over with” attitude. Not very pleasant. It wasn’t forced, because I didn’t really fight. But it was an abusive relationship. I lost all respect for myself. I wasn’t respected, and I wasn’t valued. So I didn’t respect or value myself either. I’m not sure what that would be categorized as. I’m no expert.

Although I do know people that have experienced rape. I guess it is for a good cause. The event is a rally and a march. I could go check it out. If I get uncomfortable, I could just leave. – Pooks

Job 11:18 – You will have courage because you will have hope. You will be protected and will rest in safety.

 

 

By pooks82

Slipped into a Rabbit Hole

Well, the one day I look forward to in my week, the visit with my children, I called in and cancelled.  How much do you want to bet my ex is calling me a goof for doing so. In London slang, a “goof” is just as low as a pedophile.

Turns out this nausea I’ve been experiencing for over a week now might not be stress, or caused from being overwhelmed. I might have actually caught a flu like bug. So my long record of health, without being sick has finally been broken.  I find myself falling in and out of sleep uncontrollably. I do feel nauseous. Yesterday, I was even puking. Keeping food down has become a challenge. I cut down on coffee, and drinking more water to flush this out of my system. But seriously, I am not feeling well.

I could hear it in the workers voice, whoever picked up my call, that they weren’t impressed one bit.  I’m sorry, but I am in no shape or form to be around my children. I like to feel 100% alert, and I am just not feeling that lately.

Negativity still might be the root of it all.  And perhaps digging up old poems and opening “pandora’s box” so to speak, may not have been the best idea.

That and just feeling disappointed with myself for missing all other appointments. The moment people start acknowledging that I’m doing well, I don’t know why, but I turn around and fuck it all up like I am undeserving.

So mentality I’ve been feeling like shit, as well as physically. I’m starting to feel like a walking corpse. It started with being anxious, not sleeping so that I could get things done. So insomnia played it’s part. Than overwhelmed. Than disappointed. Than depressed. Because lets face it, the harshest critic I deal with is myself. And now I’m sick.

I have tried to rebook all these missed appointments, but of coarse, I am getting no response.

I just feel really down lately, and it’s only attracting more crap. Such as this amazing artist with a shitty attitude, that thinks he can just go ahead and call me “insane.” “I’ve been reading your posts.” So fuckin what?! Don’t freakin pretend to like me, when it’s obvious ya don’t. I think I made it clear when I pointed out his ignorance. About looking down on the “nobodies.”  Anyway, the way I see it, he has no right to say or judge. So he can go fuck himself.

Yeah, I may be a bit loopy, but according to the counselor, I was heading in the right direction. Not so sure about now though. It’s more self-destructive I guess.

I do take my abilities and talents for granted. I don’t give myself credit.  My art, I just do it, get the image out of my head and onto whatever the heck I’m working on. Then I either give it away, or sell it, because my work is safer elsewhere than it is around me. I have the tendency to destroy my own shit.

Although I am finally getting my poems out there. Which are very dark and surreal. They are getting attention. They were stashed away in binders buried in my closet. Re-reading them has a messed up affect on me. It’s like the demon that wrote them jumps right back into my body. I feel so bluh and bitter afterward. Poems I wrote years ago were filled with anger, pain, and rage. It’s like it’s not me that wrote it, but that “ego” that speaks negatively inside your head that does. I’m not sure if you can quite grasp what I mean by that. I can see how some people would mistake that for “insanity“.

I guess it’s a good thing. I have a poem that has been posted on the “Writers Confidential” site, and another that has been submitted in a book in the making. Fans of Otep are putting a book together by fans and dedicating it to Otep Shamaya. It’s kind of like Shawn Crahan‘s idea with the Maggot Bible, which I really did want to be a part of, but failed to submit anything. But at least my work is getting out there. It would be cool to see if the book  gets published.

Another thing, getting harassed by some pervert online. That pissed me off. He noticed that I am job searching, so he was trying to offer a job supposedly. I had a feeling he was full of shit. I was right, he went all nuts and perverse asking if he could lick my pussy, and to fuck, it was beyond lame. Yeah I’ll get right on that, and freakin hump my computer screen! I don’t think he quite knew what the heck he was dealing with. But yeah, I verbally bit his head off. I’m not someone to be buggin for sex. It’s a turn off, and quite honestly it just pisses me off. It’s disrespectful. I’m not to keen on the act anyway. Like fuck! I was in a relationship with a dude for 5 years and I kept getting bugged for sex.  There were times I let him do his thing just to get it over with. And because I refused to fuck him, my kids got taken from me. No, I’m not fond of sex. And Yeah, it’s gonna piss me off. Fuck off or I will chop it off! Unless I flirt with you, and am willing, which so not likely and very rare, back the fuck off!!

I’m probably looking at the rest of my life being single, because if it’s true, men only want one thing. Than I ain’t interested.

Anyway, I seem to be feeling alright around this time of night, but by the time 9-10am hits I’ve been getting really nauseous. It knocks me out for hours. Take today for example; I was all ready to head out and possibly go to Canada Revenue, and Spectrum. But no, I start feeling like crap, and decide to lay down. I fall asleep for a good 6 hours. When I awoke, it was around 4pm. I woke up gagging. There was no way I gonna be able to function properly for the visit. I am disappointed I didn’t make it. Considering the visit is the only thing during the week that I do look forward to these days. I was all excited that it was Wednesday, and I was hoping that I’d be feeling better by now. But no. I am sick, and it’s just going to have to run it’s course.

What started off as a head thing, has now become a stomach thing.

On another note. I did get a shout-out in a vlog on youtube on DianaJanesWorld. I am addressed as the “fellow coffee addict”; Pooks82. That’s cool. I like her accent. Diana Jane is cool, and is trending is South Africa.

As sick as I may be, I still have hope; that I will shake it off and things will get better. I need to put the shovel down, and stop digging.  Stop pushing it all away like a scared immature child. That’s not the direction I want to go. I really hope I feel better soon.  I do want to get shit done.

I’ll end this post with Diana-Janes video –  “Being Friends with an ex”. You’ll love her. She’s adorable.  I love the whole “That’s my alarm clock…shit.” And  “Stay Classy internet.”  You’ll see, watch the video. I should probably rest and take it easy.  – Pooks

By pooks82

Cha-Ching!

Not the best week for me so to speak. After doing kind of well for awhile, I just let things slide. I’ve been making mountains out of mole hills, or even ant hills. Getting nausea by becoming so overwhelmed. I physically start feeling car-sick, without the car.

Perhaps it’s the pressure and expectations to succeed. I don’t do so well under pressure, obviously.

I’ve missed numerous appointments, such as counseling, Ontario Works, and Leads Employment Services.  Although, I did make it to the visitation with my children, and I did make it to church.

So what happened? I am trying to wrap my head around it myself. Maybe I realized what is expected, I am to work part-time. Go to school. Somewhere in there squeeze time for physical activity, and any other program expected of me. So that I can have my children for weekends. Kiss sleep goodbye. So maybe I think sleep now as much as I can, because soon it will cease to exist. Maybe subconsciously I am trying to cut down the list so it isn’t as huge as it seems. I don’t know.

I am a bit of an insomniac anyway. There are nights I don’t sleep at all. Matter of fact, my sleeping schedule is right out the window, again. Some friends think it’s due to caffeine. No, it’s because I’m a worry wart. I think constantly. Analyzing constantly. If I spoke as much I think, I would never shut the fuck up.

Maybe I’m lazy. But a part of me is scared to fit into society. I hear friends speak like money is the only thing that will make them happy. That’s sad to see. I don’t want to depend on money for my happiness. I appreciate the small things in life. It’s that kind of gratitude I’d be afraid to lose. Money changes people, not in a positive way either.

Just the other day I saw a status on Facebook that displayed ignorance, and it disgusted me. I’m not gonna say who posted it. But I will share it.

“Be mindful of everyone, pay little attention to ‘NOBODYs’. Get me? Cool.”

I am one of those “Nobodies”. This purely displays the kind of attitude that is developed by this so called love of money and supposed social stature. People start to think they are better than others. They fail to realize, and are blind that those “Nobodies” they speak down upon could be some of the greatest people they ever met.

I am worrying. I am stressing. I hope I never develop an attitude quite like that.

I will continue to try to fit into this world, and the nonsense you NEED to do in order to survive.

I keep remembering Red Lake, Ontario. It was so clear, maybe because the town is so small. Around 4-5pm, the town gets chaotic for a good 10 minutes. Then poof! Not a soul in sight. At the time it was funny. But now I look at it like people are just part of an unseen machine set on a timer. When you think of it that way, it’s scary.

I question myself, wither or not I am meant to fit in. Something tells I’m not. I always feel driven to do the exact opposite of what is expected of me.

Maybe I’m just irresponsible. This is only my second year on my own, without anyone taking care of me. When I went off to college, I was living with my brother and his roomates. Then my Dad got laid off his job up north and my parents moved in with us. When school finished, my parents rented a townhouse in Whitehills and I lived with them, I slept in the basement.  They became bankrupt, and were forced to move again to a smaller apartment. I stayed there for a bit until I met someone (that is now an ex) that invited me to stay with him. The relationship got sour and abusive. Note, I was never interested in this guy. When he kept trying to ask me out I said no. I’d say his nose was too pointy. His voice was annoying,etc. I  shot him down with everything I could think of. I was not interested. I just wanted to be a friend. But he accused me of being shallow, and said I should give him a chance. So I did. Big mistake. If you’re not interested in someone period, and they say to give them a chance, don’t. So I returned with my parents. This ex talked me back into staying with him. More abuse. Blah-blah -blah. He got thrown in jail for something, I can’t remember what exactly, and a friend jumped on that opportunity to get me out of the house. So she packed my stuff up in her car, and sent me to a homeless shelter. From there I got into London Housing, I got a small bachelor apartment. This ex kept harassing me, banging on my door.  Through a friend I met the guy in the wheelchair. Who was supposedly to keep watch of me to get my ex to fuck off. Anyway, this dude became quite the mooch and freeloader. He just would not leave. He said he was obsessed. Correction “assessed”. Same thing my ex said. Both weren’t very bright. I met my next ex-to-be around this time. Anyway, I got fed up with the mooch in the wheelchair  and kicked him out. My ex-to-be was suppose to be a one night stand. But the day after, he kept pressuring to move in. I gave in, and yeah. An on and off abusive relationship with him for a few years.  Re-bounds to get an abusive ex to fuck off is not a good idea. I just ended up in another fucked up relationship.  See the shit of being passive got me into?! Stand your ground people. Stick up for yourselves!

So, I haven’t really stabilized myself on my own yet. It’s been an on going battle. You’d think after a year I would have something figured out by now. But than again, I went through a long period of time in depression.  I think I still battle it from time to time. And that might be the source of all this sleep, or no sleep. It varies.  While others support and root me on, for some reason I don’t believe I am worthy enough to accomplish such great things. It’s a mental thing, all in my head. Not to forget that I fear success, and how it will change me. What if I do change, but not in a good way?

Time and money seem to have a choke hold on today’s society. Minus the Occupy movement, but their more about the gap between the rich and the poor. Imagine if they’d be saying “Fuck money” period.

I often wonder; would I truly be happy if I had a job? Or would I just be stressing about unnecessary shit.  Be one of those people in traffic racing to the next set of lights. In a big hurry to go nowhere.

I do enjoy doing things at my own pace, as slow as it may be. Take my art for example, some pieces take months. But the amount of time I put into it is worth it, and it’s not just something thrown together. You can see the time I’ve spent on it through every detail.

I don’t think I’m ready, or if I’ll ever be. Or if I’m meant to be. I question it all. But for my kids, I will continue to try to fit into it. Even though I know damn well, it’s a system I don’t belong.  I feel like an alien. Always have. I don’t understand this world, how or why it works the way it does. It all seems so dark to me. I guess I’m suppose to be money hungry, and I’m not.

Yes I’ve had an off week. But I will dust that off and try again. It’s amazing how your thoughts can affect your physical health. The whole nausea thing. I will try to keep my thoughts under control. Try to be more positive about these opportunities. As long as I never give up, no matter what the heck is running through this crazy mind of mine. After all, it all just might be me making mountains out of mole hills, and me taking my own capabilities for granted. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  I think this blog is a good example of how my mind works. Yes, I dread the unknown ahead. I am scared shitless. But I don’t think success really matters. I think it’s the fact I keep getting back up and trying anyway. Just as Mother Teresa had said before…- Pooks

“God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.” -Mother Teresa

By pooks82

The Industructible Bond

Today is a good day. It is my sister’s birthday, and she turns 29 years old.

She currently lives way up north in Nunavut. She went up there to work, since she could not find work when she was in Ottawa. She use to live here in London, Ontario. But I’m glad she got away. There’s a lot here that can tempt her. She struggled with addiction. Her drug of choice use to be crack. That doesn’t make her a bad person. Although standing from aside and watching what it does to someone you love is tragic and painful. You become completely helpless. She’d lose everything. Get back up, and repeat the cycle again. I heard it is one of the hardest drugs to quit, and that you battle it for a lifetime.

Sure, she smokes weed now. But that is a hell of a lot better than her previous priority. She also drinks. Even though I hear these stories about how rowdy and aggressive she would get while drinking. Judging from the times where I chilled out with her and drank, she never revealed that to me. Matter of fact, she became protective. If she thought I was drinking too much, she’d get me water.

She always had respect. Especially when it came to my children. She swore she would never use around them. So when she’d visit, she was sober and clean. She kept her word. This one time, years ago, I was taking my son to go visit her at her place. It was going to be a surprise visit. Anakin knocked on the door. No response. So we left. Later she told me she was there, but refused to answer the door because she was using. She never wants my children to see her that way. I appreciate her honesty for it, and I understand.

She calls my children her “favorite little people”. So I know that I am not that only one that’s been hurt by their absence.

She makes a wonderful Aunt. She gave me, and my children memories to cherish. I loved watching her interact with Anakin and Dakota. It let her inner-child right out, and it was beautiful. She’d pretend to be a “tickle-bug” and chase my children around. She’d play hide n’ seek with them. We’d go to parks, and play on the climbers. We’d go watch my sisters baseball games and boxing matches.

She was there when both my children were learning to walk. We were on some trails on the south side of the city, holding Anakins hand up and down these little hills on the trail. It’s no wonder he’s got great balance. I think of the places where we took him to practice walking.

As for Dakota, she practiced on the baseball field. I’m glad my sister was there for those beautiful moments.

I regret that my sister missed out on Dakota’s earlier stages as an infant. My ex and the neighbor at the time, we’re saying cruel things about my sister. I chose to believe in my ex, and cut my sister off for a year.

Out of love she forgave me for doing so. She welcomed me back into her life with open arms. That wasn’t the only time that has happened. My sister got pissed to see my ex around when he had a restraining order. She tried to talk some sense into me, but once again, I was sticking up for him.  I told her to leave, and she stormed off. But even after I lost my children, she was there welcoming me back into her life.

Speaking of which, she has never trusted my ex from the start.  For years I played as her conscience. A Jiminy Cricket. So she does have good instincts after-all.

Growing up, my sister and I were quite the pair. I hardly spoke at all until she came along. We both got put into the same foster family, we aren’t blood related. I don’t think. But it’s like we were meant to be sisters.
We had a lot fun together. Even got into a lot of trouble together. She’s got a naturally loud clear voice. So when we were told to do the dishes, as children, I remember tickling her or poking her to get her to laugh. Moments later our dad would groan her name from another room in annoyance. Or he would say; “Giiiiirrrls.”  There was this other time in the back of the van. My sister and I sat in the very back. She made the funniest request, and of coarse I took full advantage of it. She asked me to see if I could punch her in the face from where I was sitting, I was right beside her. Okay, there was a small gap between us. So I did, I punched her, and we both started laughing. Once again, this time from the drivers seat, was our dad saying; “Girrrls…” When visiting relatives, sometimes we’d have to share the same bed. I use to curl into a little ball, and using both my feet I’d kick my sister out of bed. She’d go flying. She hated this. But she’d crawl back into bed, and I’d do it again. I was a bit of a bully, but I loved her.

Our fights were brutal. We are both stubborn, so we’d fight until we were tired or until someone bleeds. Which was usually me. I use to get random nose bleeds. If the air was too dry, it would bleed. If I get too hot, it would bleed. Even the slightest knock to the face would make it bleed. Anyway, our fights. My sister would literally jump on my back, and I would be running my back into the wall to get her off. We’d be tackling, and punching, and kicking. I’d grab her head and knee her in the face. She’d do the same to me. Or I’d take her by head and use the door to beat it.  Hair would be pulled, although there wasn’t any scratching or biting involved. After we got tired enough, it was onto something else, like it didn’t happen. It’s like we’d get too tired and just say fuck it.

We use to bowl when we lived in Balmertown, Ontario. I think it’s funny that my sister and I got a good sportsmanship award, considering we were very competitive towards each-other.  We did well, but only because we were trying to beat each-others score.

Referring to the fighting and the amount of crap I put her through considering I was a bully. She proudly told her boxing coach that it was me that made her strong. Even though she thinks I am a strong person, I think that it is her that is strong.  From what I learned over the years when it comes to addicts is that there is a great deal of pain within.  I know she’s witnessed some of the abuse I’ve been through, and it angers her. But there is more, her own personal experiences. Traumatizing experiences. Maybe one day she will be able to let it go. I do want her to be happy, she deserves to be.

As far as I know, she’s doing well in Nunavut. Working her butt off, making good money. She even saved someone from attempting to commit suicide. So I can share with my children, that their Aunt is a hero.

I love her, and I miss her. No matter how many times I tried to push her away, she’s always been a support. Yes, we’ve been through some rough times. We’ve questioned each-others trust at times. But we have an inseparable bond. Even miles apart. We are two completely different people, two separate worlds, but in other ways we are the same.  Love always prevails. She is my little sister given to me by fate. She is family.

No matter how much people try to judge her for her past, or the choices she has made, I know she’s a good person. I hope I never again let anyone ever cloud my judgement on someone who loves me as much as she does. I am blessed to have a sister like her. – Pooks

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By pooks82

Self – Evaluation

So, I have been learning a lot about myself lately. I have come to realize that I have reverted back into a passive -aggressive state. Not speaking up, letting things slide to the point I get fed up and become aggressive.  When I do run into a conflict, I high tail it and avoid it at all costs out of fear.

Why is that? Well, lets think here. The last time I attempted to be assertive, what happened? I laid down some boundaries, the person I was having conflicts with did not like these changes and had become violent. It resulted with me being assaulted.

So maybe I am still a bit traumatized, and I think my only form of protection is aggression. Probably in the worse form as well. Physical wounds are only temporary. But verbal and emotional wounds take much longer to heal.

If I want to break this cycle, I have to start with myself. It’s not easy to admit, but that is the first step to change.

I don’t want to be anything like my past abusers. If anything, I want to be the one that has the courage to break the cycle.

I owe some people a huge apology for the things that have been said in this blog. To the other members of the Anti-Drug Crew. I have jumped to conclusions, I have made accusations. I have insulted, belittled and ridiculed. I have behaved just as my past abusers. I’ve turned my words into a weapon. Unlike my abusers, I am taking responsibility for my actions, and fully admitting that I was wrong to do so.

As one member did what she could to resolve the issues, trying to communicate. I let hate, and rage take over me, out of denial. Even though what she was saying was true. I refused to look at facts, I refused to communicate. I was in the “I’m right, you’re wrong!” mind set. Sound familiar? It really does. My abusers all had that way of thinking.

It is hard to mold yourself into something else, when you’ve lived a life-time witnessing and experiencing abuse. I’m not making excuses for myself, I know it can be done. I’ve seen it. It’s wither you choose to, or not. Abuse is a choice, and unfortunately I fucked up I’ve made the wrong one.

I use to have a counselor at the Namerind Friendship Centre, who shared similar experiences, but you would not be able to tell by meeting her. Her presence lit up the room. People were drawn to her.  If she felt like crying she’d cry. She said it was the bodies natural way of flushing negative  toxicity. She preferred a positive surrounding. After she left, Namerind wasn’t the same. But I remember her strength. She was very admirable. Proof that breaking the cycle can be done.

I am very sensitive to negativity. Once it gets in my head, and in my system it either starts eating away at me, or I have to lash it out somehow. Perhaps writing it in a blog isn’t the best way to deal with it. But it does help, in a very honest way. It’s like a journal. A very open journal. So my mistakes, misfortunes, even the odd victory is open for the world to see and judge. I put myself out there, as vulnerable as it may seem.

So that not only my mistakes are witnessed, but also how I overcome these obstacles.

I will try to set things right with the people I have wronged. Even though I have no desire to do anymore recording or editing videos regarding the Anti-Drug Crew, it does not mean I cannot maintain a friendship.  Hopefully my actions can be forgiven, and that I can forgive myself for being so foolish. – Pooks

1 Peter 3:9-12 – Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

Onto the Mountains Ahead

I know I have gotten a bit bitter, and angry lately. And some people may not like my decisions of cutting certain people out of my life due to negativity.

It doesn’t matter how many times I try to warn people, or give the heads up. People don’t take me seriously until it’s too late. When I say I am sensitive to negativity, I mean it. It’s like I absorb all the energy that surrounds me, and it builds up. Eventually I will fire the negativity back at the source.

I know. Life isn’t always a happy freakin menagerie. And maybe I’m not as empathetic as I had thought.  I’m sorry I would rather hear about the positives, and would rather surround myself with people that express gratitude. I have my own shit. While people complain about their measly pussy fart of a problem stuck on repeat, seriously, it’s nothing compared to the shit I’ve already walked. So yeah, I see a whiny freakin baby that should be thrown in a diaper.

So I have said some harsh things through this blog. I apologize. Even though I meant every word. These are my honest thoughts. It’s not like it’s on a status on Facebook. Put in everybody’s face wither they want to see it or not. In order to read this, people are given the choice to click on a link.  It’s for people that actually are curious about what goes on in my mind. Because in person, you’re not going hear it. I don’t talk about myself. I’ve mentioned that before. I always encourage others to speak, and avoid talking about myself as much as possible.

So even though some people may not like the choices of the people I’ve been cutting out. I’m doing it for me, and my well-being. There is only so much negativity a person can take. Seriously, when it starts to even affect you physically. Yeah, a line needs to be drawn. I never took notice of my posture before until it was pointed out to me. You could see that shit was weighing me down. Body language says a lot.

I’ve been keeping to myself mostly these days. There’s probably only 5 people I socialize with in person.  Yes, i am isolating myself a bit. Keeping myself away from drama, and negative people. It’s not only that though. I’m doing it so that I can focus on what I need to get done without distraction. Get my priorities straight. I have been getting overwhelmed with the things I need to do. The list just seems to get bigger by demands. “You need to do this.” “You need to do that.”  So I’ve been given homework from counseling.  I am to write it all down in a list, then number it from top to bottom, what is most prioritized to the least. It might help me actually get shit done. Because when I’m too overwhelmed, nothing gets done.

I know my counseling is meant to be confidential. But I will share some things, not what’s said. But things like  “the list”. Things that are benefiting me in a positive way. Such as squeezing in some time to do a daily energy routine. It’s like little exercises you can do so that you don’t feel so overwhelmed, it refreshes the mind, stimulates you’re energy etc. It’s called Energy Therapy. If it’s going to help me let go of shit, and move forward, it’s worth giving it a try.

I have been reassured recently that I am on the right track. So that makes me feel good.

That reminds me. I picked up a Spectrum book yesterday. My Leads worker suggested that I look into a program that consists of physical fitness and (or) relaxation. The program that caught my eye isn’t exactly “relaxing”, but it does say it “reduces stress.” It’s called Boxercise. It’s a cardio kind of fitness class. If I’m not too late, I could start on the 27th.

So I am getting things done, and kind of not at the same time. I still haven’t called Fanshawe College. Perhaps I’m struggling with doubt. I’m not that great at math. If I go into graphic design, or small business. I am bound to run into my biggest weakness;  Math. I need to go to the Arts Project and remind them of my resume I handed in for a volunteer position. I was suggested to called Madame Vanier myself to inquire about those two programs that I never got a chance to even start. The one for abused women, and the other for bonding. Still need to find a job; “Part-time.” I bought myself new clothes so I can look all spiffy for interviews, including a blazer. I am going to counseling. I am going to my Leads appointments. I am going to my supervised visits with my children. I see my O.W worker monthly. There is probably more, but my mind just went blank. I’m kind of glad it did. Shut itself down before the list gets too crazy on me.

Wow. I feel like there is more, but I forget. Like there was something else I was asked to do, but I cannot think of it for the life of me.

It helps to write shit down. Otherwise I will forget. I’m not the most organized person in the world. But I am getting better. At least I’m making it to my appointments. Even if I’m late. Although when it comes to my visits with Anakin and Dakota, I’ve only been late the first time. Since then, I’ve been early.

Oh! Another thing! I actually finished a painting the other night. I felt so proud of myself. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually been able to finish something artistically. I worked on it at home mind you. But I feel I can get more done at home anyway, without distraction, or expectations to “entertain.”

I actually got bored of the image I was working on at The New School of Colour, my oil painting.  It’s dark, and negative. I am getting so sick and tired of  negativity. I’m kind of bored of the concept behind it. Money controlling you, it’s the basic message. Yet still having some faith in this world. I know there is some positivity in that. But the image does not show it.  I’m not really motivated to complete it. In order for me to finish it, it would have to morph into something else.

So I worked on an acrylic painting at home, “The Fortune Teller.” Sometimes I put words in my images, this one, I hid the word “Love”. I worked on it all night until it was complete.  It was nice to be working on something more positive. It was even better to have that feeling of accomplishment and amazement when I was done.

Plus I kind of like working at home by myself. I’m not having to deal with the competitive insecurities of others, which can get really damn annoying. I’m just trying to do my own thing. Why compare or compete?

Anyway, I see Anakin and Dakota today.  So I’m super stoked about that. I have to remember not to be afraid to be assertive with them. Who cares if I’m being watched! I kind of froze up and got awkward last time.  I got confused on how to handle it. Anyway, I had plenty of time analyzing it. As I mentioned before, I even went on a ‘Supernanny” marathon. In one of the many parenting courses I had taken years ago, I remember someone saying that once your children hit the age of 5, it’s  too late. Your children are programed in their ways. What I like about what Jojo (The Super nanny) had said on one of her episodes was; “It’s never too late.”

I’m making progress. I don’t feel so distilled. Tackling things that hold me back. I’ve been up front with my workers. They’ve become amazing support.

Now if only I can silent the “What ifs?” This fear of failure, and to believe in myself. I’ve failed at the College thing once, what if I do it again? Than what? I guess I will never know if I don’t try.  – Pooks

Isaiah 41:10 – Don’t be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. 

By pooks82

It’s Worth a Shot

I’ve been working on a cover letter, again. I am going to type it out here in this blog, and I would appreciate some feedback.  Tell me what you think! Who knows! This might even get an employers attention. – Pooks

__________________________________________________________________________________

To: London, Ontario (CANADA) Employers

Hi.

I am currently endeavoring a career change from janitorial work to sales/ customer service. Specifically part-time.

I volunteered at a soup kitchen serving dinner, handing out condiments, and greeting people at the door. I also have experience as a door-to-door sales representative, and general laborer.

I graduated high-school and attended one year in Fine Arts at Fanshawe College.

I am detail oriented, a quick learner, and I love working with people. Friends and colleagues say “I am different, but great,” inspiring, and talented.

My personal hobbies include art, writing, and social media. I am involved with an art program called the New School of Colour. I write poetry. I’m working on an auto-biography. I also have a blog on WordPress. I know how to use online photo editors such as Fotoflexer and Pizap. I also record, and edit videos for fun on Youtube.

I hope to become a multi-media surrealist artist one day.

I believe that I can learn valuable skills that will benefit my future by entering the field of customer service. Such as; a sales associate, a sales clerk, a hostess, or even a busser. There are many possibilities, and I’m ready to learn.

Thank you for reading my letter. I hope to hear from you soon.

By pooks82