Self – Evaluation

So, I have been learning a lot about myself lately. I have come to realize that I have reverted back into a passive -aggressive state. Not speaking up, letting things slide to the point I get fed up and become aggressive.  When I do run into a conflict, I high tail it and avoid it at all costs out of fear.

Why is that? Well, lets think here. The last time I attempted to be assertive, what happened? I laid down some boundaries, the person I was having conflicts with did not like these changes and had become violent. It resulted with me being assaulted.

So maybe I am still a bit traumatized, and I think my only form of protection is aggression. Probably in the worse form as well. Physical wounds are only temporary. But verbal and emotional wounds take much longer to heal.

If I want to break this cycle, I have to start with myself. It’s not easy to admit, but that is the first step to change.

I don’t want to be anything like my past abusers. If anything, I want to be the one that has the courage to break the cycle.

I owe some people a huge apology for the things that have been said in this blog. To the other members of the Anti-Drug Crew. I have jumped to conclusions, I have made accusations. I have insulted, belittled and ridiculed. I have behaved just as my past abusers. I’ve turned my words into a weapon. Unlike my abusers, I am taking responsibility for my actions, and fully admitting that I was wrong to do so.

As one member did what she could to resolve the issues, trying to communicate. I let hate, and rage take over me, out of denial. Even though what she was saying was true. I refused to look at facts, I refused to communicate. I was in the “I’m right, you’re wrong!” mind set. Sound familiar? It really does. My abusers all had that way of thinking.

It is hard to mold yourself into something else, when you’ve lived a life-time witnessing and experiencing abuse. I’m not making excuses for myself, I know it can be done. I’ve seen it. It’s wither you choose to, or not. Abuse is a choice, and unfortunately I fucked up I’ve made the wrong one.

I use to have a counselor at the Namerind Friendship Centre, who shared similar experiences, but you would not be able to tell by meeting her. Her presence lit up the room. People were drawn to her.  If she felt like crying she’d cry. She said it was the bodies natural way of flushing negative  toxicity. She preferred a positive surrounding. After she left, Namerind wasn’t the same. But I remember her strength. She was very admirable. Proof that breaking the cycle can be done.

I am very sensitive to negativity. Once it gets in my head, and in my system it either starts eating away at me, or I have to lash it out somehow. Perhaps writing it in a blog isn’t the best way to deal with it. But it does help, in a very honest way. It’s like a journal. A very open journal. So my mistakes, misfortunes, even the odd victory is open for the world to see and judge. I put myself out there, as vulnerable as it may seem.

So that not only my mistakes are witnessed, but also how I overcome these obstacles.

I will try to set things right with the people I have wronged. Even though I have no desire to do anymore recording or editing videos regarding the Anti-Drug Crew, it does not mean I cannot maintain a friendship.  Hopefully my actions can be forgiven, and that I can forgive myself for being so foolish. – Pooks

1 Peter 3:9-12 – Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”