Some emotions got stirred up yesterday, which carried onto today. So I wasn’t feeling so great about a number of things.
My financial assistance got cut off because when I went up north, money was transferred into my account for me to get there. It wasn’t my money. Not even borrowed. It belonged to my Aunt, and she was paying the way. So yes, somebody else’s money was in my account. Not like I earned it. Geez! So this pain in the ass new worker is making a big stink about it. It seems like she tries to find the dinkiest reasons to suspend my shit. To give me a hard time. This person is supposed to be a support, but she’s not acting like one. She’s being more of a barrier than anything else.
Counseling, some things were discussed. I know it’s supposed to be kept confidential. But, it’s stirred shit up enough to the point where I have to get it out. My worker thinks I should be making more of an effort to fight for my kids. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve tried, and no one will listen. I have a lawyer that won’t fight. C.A.S have seen the proof that my ex was harassing me online. It was a concern, until she talked to her supervisor, and poof! Suddenly my ex isn’t considered a concern anymore. So yeah, I’ve backed down. She feels strongly against this, and believes my children are at risk since my ex has experienced sexual abuse and will not face or deal with it. Instead, because of what happened to him, he holds a grudge against his mother and women in general. I thought I was doing the right thing, but than she got me questioning myself?
We talked about how my ex didn’t even think our son was his to begin with. That he has verbally abused him. Calling him an idiot, saying “What are you stupid?!” And that my daughter is favored out of the two by my ex. Other things we discussed, whose around my children? My exes family. His brother is a known drug dealer, and thief here in London, ON. His parents, pssshh…They live out on a farm where they tried to grow their own weed. I swear, that’s all that family cares about is weed. And my children are being raised into it.
But what could I do? I am powerless. I’ve mentioned all these things to my lawyer, to C.A.S and none of it is a concern. Even my 7 year old son playing violent video games meant for adults isn’t even a concern. I think it’s sad when I try to have a conversation with him, and all he can talk about are these violent video games. I guess it’s just easier to deal with, have him sit in front of a screen rather than actually having to raise a child. So I’ve come to the realization that maybe the well-being of children doesn’t really matter to C.A.S here in London Ontario. Perhaps only money and luxurious vacations only matter to them.
Speaking of money. I get so sick of people saying “You neeeed money.” When I couldn’t give two shits about it. Yes, I do realize that if I want my weekends I gotta make a living doing something. But people value it so much it’s ridiculous. It’s kinda sickening in away. Perhaps that’s a side effect by being raised watching a gold digger’s behavior. “Money this.” “Money that.” I really don’t care for it. Matter of fact, I used what I had left on my children to buy them pop, and gave them whatever was left over to store in their piggy banks at home. So I’m flat broke. Thank fuckin god.
Back on topic, I’d hate to say it, But I think my skin has a lot to do with this ignorance. Natives immediately get stereotyped as unstable, drug addicted alcoholics so I’ve learned. And apparently we don’t have a say. The ideal family is a white christian family living in the suburbs. I could be wrong. But I think I’m starting to see just how prejudice the world is, or the systems that are used to “control” it.
I know my worker disagrees on my backing down. But is fighting really the answer anyway? I really don’t want to fight anymore. And I know at some point I will have to communicate with my ex somehow, and I really am not looking forward to it. He hasn’t changed at all. It’s just more verbal abuse.
Maybe I am being passive about this. But I just want it to end. Plus, now that the kids are in school, I think weekends would mean more time with the children in the long run, not just mornings and evenings.
I tried to explain that I really don’t want to put my children through more than they have been. Taking them from their home, like their father has done to me. I am thinking about how shit will affect them, unlike my ex ever has. With him, everything is about him, his weed, and his dick.
Plus if I fight, I think that’s just giving my ex what he wants. A rise. Well he ain’t gonna get a rise from me. Nuh-uhhh… He ain’t ever gettin off on Pooks again. He lost that privilege a long time ago!
So yeah, I was doubting and questioning my own decisions. But no, I think I am doing the right thing. 5 days a week may sound like a lot of time. But not if its just mornings and evenings. Which is basically, breakfast, off to school, kids return ,dinner, bath time, quiet time, bed time. Weekends would include more quality time, and with the changes I’ve made, even my children notice by the fact I laugh so much, I’m the person to do it.
I was thinking about that. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to die anytime soon; How would I be remembered? As the person that has been through hell and back and still managed to bring laughter to others. That’s a pretty rich life if you ask me. Money isn’t everything.
Anyway, court is coming up November 1st. Yeah, I was feeling bitter and what not about it. Even started to feel ashamed of my own skin, that it could be causing me a lot of unnecessary problems.
But you know what? Even though lawyers and C.A.S neglect whatever I say, I am reminded of the gifts I’ve been given. I am an artist, and a writer and the truth will be seen and heard no matter what. I will leave my mark in this world. As Dali said, he was becoming more “Dali”. I am becoming more “Pooks”, and not a damn thing can stop it.
Yes, I let everything go because I have faith my Creator has all control, and it’s not my fight anymore. No matter what, it will be okay. I trust my Creator, and I was given these gifts for a reason.
On a different note. I did get a volunteer placement at The Arts Project. Hopefully I begin next month as a floater for events. It’s not paid work, but it’s something in the right direction.- Pooks
Matthew 17:20 – He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”