In Other Circumstances

I forgot to mention besides all that other stuff that may be a part of my absence.  I’ve neglected this blog and I’m sorry.

Although, I am being productive. I’ve been re-working on my book “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess.” Rather it being an auto-biography that is never complete because I am still alive, and it just keeps going on and on. Haha! I have changed the concept of it, and it will be a poetry book.  So I have brought old poems to the surface that have been packed away in my closet, and once I get those all typed out, I can work on new material.
I have also returned to the New School of Colour, working on my oil painting once again on Mondays. I will try  to get it complete for a show, but there is no guarantee this specified piece I’m working on will be in it. It takes me a long time to complete work.

The New School of Colour will be part of a show that will be taking place at the London Central Library November 15th, 2012 from 6-8:30pm. The show is about poverty in London, Ontario.

What else? I have been putting together a website. Which you may view at the following link:

https://sites.google.com/site/pooksnsocartist/

I’m still trying to figure out some things, but as I learn more about it as I go, the more the site will grow.

So to the peeps that think I’m so unproductive. I’m doing more than you realize.  – Pooks

Jeremiah 29:11 – “I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

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By pooks82

A Powerful Deflect

Some emotions got stirred up yesterday, which carried onto today. So I wasn’t feeling so great about a number of things.

My financial assistance got cut off because when I went up north, money was transferred into my account for me to get there. It wasn’t my money. Not even borrowed. It belonged to my Aunt, and she was paying the way. So yes, somebody else’s money was in my account. Not like I earned it. Geez! So this pain in the ass new worker is making a big stink about it.  It seems like she tries to find the dinkiest reasons to suspend my shit. To give me a hard time. This person is supposed to be a support, but she’s not acting like one. She’s being more of a barrier than anything else.

Counseling, some things were discussed. I know it’s supposed to be kept confidential. But, it’s stirred shit up enough to the point where I have to get it out. My worker thinks I should be making more of an effort to fight for my kids. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve tried, and no one will listen. I have a lawyer that won’t fight. C.A.S have seen the proof that my ex was harassing me online. It was a concern, until she talked to her supervisor, and poof! Suddenly my ex isn’t considered a concern anymore.  So yeah, I’ve backed down. She feels strongly against this, and believes my children are at risk since my ex has experienced sexual abuse and will not face or deal with it. Instead, because of what happened to him, he holds a grudge against his mother and women in general. I thought I was doing the right thing, but than she got me questioning myself?

We talked about how my ex didn’t even think our son was his to begin with. That he has verbally abused him. Calling him an idiot, saying “What are you stupid?!” And that my daughter is favored out of the two by my ex. Other things we discussed, whose around my children? My exes family. His brother is a known drug dealer, and thief here in London, ON. His parents, pssshh…They live out on a farm where they tried to grow their own weed. I swear, that’s all that family cares about is weed. And my children are being raised into it.

But what could I do? I am powerless. I’ve mentioned all these things to my lawyer, to C.A.S and none of it is a concern.  Even my 7 year old son playing violent video games meant for adults isn’t even a concern. I think it’s sad when I try to have a conversation with him, and all he can talk about are these violent video games. I guess it’s just easier to deal with, have him sit in front of a screen rather than actually having to raise a child.  So I’ve come to the realization that maybe the well-being of children doesn’t really matter to C.A.S here in London Ontario. Perhaps only money and luxurious vacations only matter to them.

Speaking of money. I get so sick of people saying “You neeeed money.” When I couldn’t give two shits about it.  Yes, I do realize that if I want my weekends I gotta make a living doing something. But people value it so much it’s ridiculous. It’s kinda sickening in away. Perhaps that’s a side effect by being raised watching a gold digger’s behavior. “Money this.” “Money that.” I really don’t care for it. Matter of fact, I used what I had left on my children to buy them pop, and gave them whatever was left over to store in their piggy banks at home. So I’m flat broke. Thank fuckin god.

Back on topic, I’d hate to say it, But I think my skin has a lot to do with this ignorance. Natives immediately get stereotyped as unstable, drug addicted alcoholics so I’ve learned. And apparently we don’t have a say. The ideal family is a white christian family living in the suburbs. I could be wrong. But I think I’m starting to see just how prejudice the world is, or the systems that are used to “control” it.

I know my worker disagrees on my backing down. But is fighting really the answer anyway? I really don’t want to fight anymore. And I know at some point I will have to communicate with my ex somehow, and I really am not looking forward to it. He hasn’t changed at all. It’s just more verbal abuse.

Maybe I am being passive about this. But I just want it to end. Plus, now that the kids are in school, I think weekends would mean more time with the children in the long run, not just mornings and evenings.

I tried to explain that I really don’t want to put my children through more than they have been. Taking them from their home, like their father has done to me.  I am thinking about how shit will affect them, unlike my ex ever has. With him, everything is about him, his weed, and his dick.

Plus if I fight, I think that’s just giving my ex what he wants. A rise. Well he ain’t gonna get a rise from me. Nuh-uhhh… He ain’t ever gettin off on Pooks again. He lost that privilege a long time ago!

So yeah, I was doubting and questioning my own decisions. But no, I think I am doing the right thing. 5 days a week may sound like a lot of time. But not if its just mornings and evenings. Which is basically, breakfast, off to school, kids return ,dinner, bath time, quiet time, bed time. Weekends would include more quality time, and with the changes I’ve made, even my children notice by the fact I laugh so much, I’m the person to do it.

I was thinking about that. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to die anytime soon; How would I be remembered? As the person that has been through hell and back and still managed to bring laughter to others. That’s a pretty rich life if you ask me. Money isn’t everything.

Anyway, court is coming up November 1st. Yeah, I was feeling bitter and what not about it. Even started to feel ashamed of my own skin, that it could be causing me a lot of unnecessary problems.

But you know what? Even though lawyers and C.A.S neglect whatever I say, I am reminded of the gifts I’ve been given. I am an artist, and a writer and the truth will be seen and heard no matter what. I will leave my mark in this world. As Dali said, he was becoming more “Dali”. I am becoming more “Pooks”, and not a damn thing can stop it.

Yes, I let everything go because I have faith my Creator has all control, and it’s not my fight anymore. No matter what, it will be okay. I trust my Creator, and I was given these gifts for a reason.

On a different note. I did get a volunteer placement at The Arts Project. Hopefully I begin next month as a floater for events. It’s not paid work, but it’s something in the right direction.- Pooks

Matthew 17:20 – He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

By pooks82

When Creativity Combines…

Hi.

This is the first time I’ve ever done a collaboration poem with someone.  It was a very fun experience. I met Zae Rae on Twitter, and the thing we have in common is that we both know of Diane-Jane Berquist and her Writers Confidential site. Matter of fact, it was Zae Rae that contacted me to work on a collaboration. So after we saw what we created, we decided we’ll create a series called: The Case of the Strange.  It just goes to show you never really know what opportunities may arise when you give something a try.

So while Zae Rae sends our work over to Diana-Jane, I will share with you what both our minds came up with.  We chose a theme, it started off as an abandoned house theme, then we added an evil girl inside.

Alice’s Mad House
In the dark I lie.
Left to die.
My fate has kept me here.
Once, there was a boy. 
Brave, young and strong.
He stepped in my domain.
So to me, he shall belong.
Bewitching smiles,
Beguiling appearance.
An image that would swoon most, but I’m different.
Broken glass, shattered mirrors.
This is our first meeting, but surely his last.
He slept sweetly that night,
Unbeknown to his demise.
A glint in the shadows,
The faint tapping footsteps,
Of the little girl wielding a knife.
I can hear him breathe.
I can hear his heart beat.
This moment means everything.
And if he wakes,it is a fight for the life the Reaper takes.
At his bed side, I lick my lips.
Slowly,I bend down and kiss him.
Ah, savouring the way his blood spurts,a red stain on his chest.
I am more worthy.
He cannot take me down.
My blind fool of ignorance.
This whole decrepit house is like my royal crown.
I am undefeated.
I remove your remains.
I lie in your place, just waiting for the next.
Now only listening to my own breath.
A big wide grin on my blood stained face.
Welcome, to your Death.
Copyright © 2012 By Zae Rae & Pooks
By pooks82

Familiar Ancient Baricades

I admit I am a bit saddened I did not get to see my children today. I showed up, but my children didn’t. I guess my ex didn’t hear the driver knock on the door.  I don’t know. Hopefully things work out better next week.

Even though that was upsetting, there is something else eating away at me.  Something much larger of a problem that has been around before I even existed…

This week’s been a bit tough I guess. Actually since last Thursday. Every now and than I run into prejudice people where my skin becomes an issue.

Years ago when I went to Fanshawe College, the program co-ordinator was a bit racist.  Saying that I should stick with native art. Or just quit. He kept putting my work down calling it a doodle, while he created pieces that were just freakin polka dots. He had a shitty attitude, and thought just because he was from the U.K. he’s superior. That dude needs a wake up call, you’re in Canada now buddy, if ya haven’t noticed, it is very diverse.

Anyway, I recently run into a similar situation. It sucks when people like this are in the system and are in charge of your financial situation. I had an appointment with my Ontario Works worker last Thursday. I have no idea how many times I said that; yes, I did graduate high-school. Yet, she treats me like I’m freakin stupid. “Can you read this? Are you sure you can read this?” Also, since I got to do these reviews monthly, we get to the question where she has to ask if I do drugs. I say no. But no, I guess that’s not the answer she was hoping for, or wants to hear. So she keeps asking, “are you sure?” If I didn’t have to worry about my financial situation being cut off I would have snapped. I would have been like; Why do you keep asking?! Do you want me to?! It’s a bullshit stereotype that I keep running into. NOT every native is a drug addict or alcoholic. Yes, I realize it’s a problem with many. But that doesn’t mean to automatically assume that I am one of those that do.

Here’s a person that is supposed to help me, but it doesn’t really feel like I have much support at all. I mean, I want to go back to school. This worker either says it’s too early, or too late. It’s like, she wants to keep me on the system. Like, she’s trying to hold me back or something. So I asked a friend who is already attending College, I asked her flat out; when is a good time to register? She said; anytime.

It’s normally elderly people that have this shit ass attitude. It gets me down. That I am being affected by shit that has happened centuries ago. I wasn’t even alive than. But I guess I’m just a fuckin savage in some peoples eyes still. Yet, since I was adopted and raised in a white family, some natives don’t even consider me native. I get called a baked potato. I only “look” native. So I’m this outcast from everything. Maybe I’m just expected to run to a reserve and be forgotten about or something. Heaven fuckin forbid a native trying to live in today’s society. Maybe natives aren’t suppose to succeed, and our stories are never to be heard. Something is going on, every now and than I run into it.

Why do natives get shut out? Why must everything be made that much harder for us? Why are we silenced? Why the fuck is something that had happened centuries ago, still affecting people today?

I’m angry. But I still have hope. I keep remembering the native judge. I can’t imagine how much bullshit she had to go through to get where she is today, but she did it. So if she could, then I could somehow get past this prejudice bullshit as well.

I realize there’s a lot I do not understand. And history really wasn’t ever my forte.

In order to make shit change, I got to start with myself and not let these narrow minded people get me down.  I’m a King, and if there is one thing I learned about King’s is that we are stubborn as hell.  – Pooks

“You think I am a fool, but you are a greater fool than I am.” – Sitting Bull

By pooks82

Return to Where I Began to Flourish

Thanks to people that encourage, challenge, and inspire.

Art and English were my well established courses throughout school back in the day. As though my strengths. It was the New School of Colour that lit up the spark in my passion with art again. Although my other passion, my writing (besides these blogs) has been thrown aside. That was until I encountered Diana-Jane Berquist on Twitter. It started as just clowning around, I noticed she has a video channel on YouTube, and she was asking people who wanted a shout out. So I made a silly request. I specifically asked to be referred to as the “fellow coffee addict.” From following her I’ve learned that she too has a blog. Then I noticed she created a website for writers. I submitted an old poem I wrote years ago titled; “Voodoo Doll”, which is now on the site under the “Looking at you” section.  As she constructed the site, she added a contest section. I thought, sure, why not? The challenge was to write about “Red Roses”. Somehow integrate red roses into the poem you write.

When I write, it’s a lot like my art, dark and surreal. I use it as a venting outlet. So a lot has a lot of pain, and anger within it. So this contest was definitely a challenge. I can imagine people probably automatically tied red roses and love poems together. But I don’t think I’ve ever truly been in love before. I’ve had my infatuations and crushes… relationships that didn’t last long, and the ones that did weren’t healthy relationships. I felt kind of pressured into both of them, now that I think of it. One said I was being shallow, and should give him a chance. The other pressured to move in after what was suppose to be a one night thing.

Anyway, I entered into the contest, and I didn’t want my poem to be as negative as most of my poetry is. So I decided to intertwine my love for Alice in Wonderland. I blew myself away. Even more surprising, I won “Writer of Month” for October on the Writers Confidential site. Feel free to check it out at the following link: http://www.writersconfidential.com/#!this-months-features/c142

Also, if you are a writer, feel free to enter the next contest that has been posted. Just go to the “Competitions” tab, and sign up. The next challenge involves a 3 page short story. Diana-Jane gives you an intro to work off of, and you from there. E-mail your completed work to dianajanesworld@gmail.com

Anyway, I thought that was pretty cool. Thanks to Diana-Jane for inspiring and challenging my writing talent. The website she created was and is an excellent idea.

Thanks to Art Saves as well, when it comes to my writing. A die hard Otep fan creating a book for Otep Shamaya. I am proud to be a part of it. Rise, Rebel, Resist.

As for the New School of Colour. I have returned. I’ve been absent trying to sort out things in my own life. I may not be able to attend on Wednesdays, but I can surely be there for Mondays. I’ve caught up and talked to other members and they said that the momentum has died down. That, and that it is hard to get anything accomplished when the staff shuts the Ark down early. So it’s time to liven up the program again. As I said, for me, I can do what I can on Mondays.

It was really good to get caught up with everyone there. They are like my extended family. I even patched things up with someone I’ve said some nasty things about in the past, and I’ve been reminded on why I use to think she was magnificent in the first place, before I let negativity sink in and take over my judgement.

The facilitator of the New School of Colour made it clear to me that he had gotten more oil paint for the program. (LOL) I laugh because I’ll rant on my own about something, and bam! He’s on it. It’s good that he listens to the people that attend. But than again, I guess we are all part of his art project in a way. Since his thing is creating spaces and situations. However, I swear that dude hears and watches everything. Yesterday he was talking to a group of people, I was talking to a friend. Two separate conversations. I said; “I’m not sure if I have enough time to do anything right now.” He spins around, says the time and says “You have plenty of time.” Then goes back to his conversation with these other people. I was flabbergasted. I asked my friend, to make sure I wasn’t completely out of mind and to reassure myself that that just happened: “Did he just answer my question?”  Haha! So yeah, the facilitator is very attentive and on the ball. Right on.

Oh! And I feel so special being the second person to see Don’s new work. It was like a sneak preview. He’s awesome. It was good to see Geoff too. He said he would have hugged me if he wasn’t covered in paint. Such a sweet heart. Nancy and Diane were there. Familiar faces, they were good to see.

I didn’t get any art done, because I wanted to catch up with friends. Although next Monday will be a different story. I will be working on the oil painting I was pursuing and haven’t finished yet. I admit, I got bored with the piece. It happens. I get bored easily. But perhaps the time I spent away from it will help. I’ll see what I can do with it to make it interesting in my eyes again.

Anyway, it’s good that I have encouragement. People rooting me on. I have support. Both my passions of art and writing have been kindled. I have friends that welcome me back into their lives as if I never left. I see my children weekly. Speaking of that, Halloween lands on a Wednesday, the day of a visit, so I’m super excited. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I’ve missed spending it with my children. I use to love shopping for their costumes. We’d carve a pumpkin, bake Halloween treats, and go trick or treating. Hopefully I do see them Halloween, and then they can go home, have dinner, and go trick or treating after the visit with their dad. I plan to go to the visit dressed up, I already have my costume. I am going to be a Jester. Although for the visit, I may have to wear pants, and a sweater with it. Anyway, tomorrow is Wednesday. Visits have been going well, no time-outs for awhile now. Not since I explained that that takes my time away from spending it with them.

I am still trying to get my life in order. But there’s been progress. I’ve gone from thinking “I can’t”, I’m incapable”, “Fuck it”, “Fuck that”, “Why bother?”  to “I can” and “I will.” Daya Counseling and Leads Employment Services have been making a huge difference. I also took their advice, both suggested that I look into physical activity, so I started a cardio program called; Boxercise. I love it.

1 Corithians 7:17 – You must accept whatever situation the Lord has put you in, and continue on as you were when God first called you.

By pooks82