I was feeling temporarily blue, I can admit that. It could be P.M.S, I do get kinda loopy for about a week or so. Anything could either make me cry or extremely angry.
It could be the time of year, being that it is so close to Christmas. It is a rough time of year for me. Considering most people are surrounded by family and loved ones. I am flat broke, and was completely unprepared. I at least want to give something to my children. I have friends that say they have gifts for me, but I hope they can understand that I will have nothing in return. If anything, just my own presence. My focus is on my children. Thanks to C.A.S I won’t be empty handed. So I am feeling somewhat relieved. Although I still want to take my daughters suggestion into consideration. She wants art created by her Mama. Hopefully I can snap out of this kinda writers block, but towards art. That gift may wind up belated. But I do see them on the 24th and the 31st. I can give what C.A.S has passed onto me for the 24th, and hopefully have some art complete by the 31st.
Another thing that was upsetting was that an assertive exercise triggered a post traumatic episode. It shocked me. Of all things to set me off, it’s when I need to be assertive. It brought back 2 memories I would rather forget.
Then there’s Idle No More. How it could affect my goals. Court, what is expected of me; School, a part-time job and my children on the weekends. As much as I want it, it’s very over-whelming. I still need to deal with my sleep issues. Not sleeping enough, or too much. I have to brace myself to kiss a break good-bye. A break as in a moment to rest.
My thoughts was like a traffic jam at rush hour. I was experiencing so much anxiety I puked. Not the first time that happened. But it does every now and then.
Luckily I have support. I went to visit a friend around 2am, left around 5am. Anyway, I observed. When this friend of mine wants to know something, she seeks the answer and gets it. For example; We were talking about the word opulent. We were curious on how it was spelled, so she took out her dictionary, looked it up and voila! Or lets say the news mentions a certain highway, we get curious where that one goes, she will pull out a map and find it. We get our answer. The way she get’s up, and just puts things into action to get a result. She is a good example. Plus, I noticed something about the way she speaks. It’s not “Maybe.” Or “What if.” Or even “I can’t.” The words she uses often are “I can.”
I’ve also thought about a friend that supports me from a distance. She has O.C.D and experiences anxiety attacks. Matter of fact, I witnessed it with my own eyes before. I’m not alone. I know she would be able to relate, and she gets by and copes. It’s not something that holds her back.
Yes, I was reminded of horrible things that have happened. But you know what? I survived and got past it numerous times. So I took a day to wind down. I did cancel a visit with my children, but at the time, I was in no shape mentally to function properly. I felt bad having to do so, but in the end, it was for best. I needed time to shake it all off.
For a while there I felt like a female Scrooge. Not really feeling the Christmas spirit. But my friends have been amazing. I’ve been invited to one friends house to bake cookies on the 24th, I’ve been invited to have Christmas dinner with a group of friends on the 25th. And another support from a distance is coming to London. She is holding a Potluck kinda gathering on the 27th and I’ve been invited.
It gives me things to look forward to and to be thankful for. It keeps my mind off other things as well.
I hope this Christmas will be more fair to my son. Last year my exes family kinda favored and pampered my daughter with gifts, neglecting my boy. I was disgusted with that behavior. So I’ll pray that his Christmas will be awesome, and fair this time around. They are both beautiful children, they both deserve to be equally as happy. I know I cannot be there. I was invited last year. But I cannot repeat that cycle anymore. I refuse to. I know my son wishes that his parents were together again. But maybe one day he will understand. We weren’t happy together. I sure as hell wasn’t. They deserve to have happy parents, and we’re better off separate.
Anyway, whatever happens with Idle No More. I won’t let that stop me. I know I said that 2012 was going to be my year to rise. I did somewhat, I’m not the same person I was before 2011, or prior. But hopefully I can work much harder at it in 2013. I’ve changed within myself,and yeah, I may still need some tweaking. Pooks is still in progress of being molded. Sometimes it hurts. But I will just keep getting stronger. I gotta start focusing on whats around me as well. I’m not just creating me. I’m creating what’s around me. Trying to turn a dream into a reality.
One of the things I’ve come to love about myself is not just my ability to laugh, but also to be able to get right back up. I’m too stubborn to quit, and I love that. – Pooks
“I make the path!” – Alice (Alice in Wonderland)