Getting past another Shade of Blue

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Back again!

I was feeling temporarily blue, I can admit that. It could be P.M.S, I do get kinda loopy for about a week or so. Anything could either make me cry or extremely angry.

It could be the time of year, being that it is so close to Christmas. It is a rough time of year for me. Considering most people are surrounded by family and loved ones.  I am flat broke, and was completely unprepared. I at least want to give something to my children. I have friends that say they have gifts for me, but I hope they can understand that I will have nothing in return. If anything, just my own presence. My focus is on my children. Thanks to C.A.S I won’t be empty handed. So I am feeling somewhat relieved. Although I still want to take my daughters suggestion into consideration. She wants art created by her Mama. Hopefully I can snap out of this kinda writers block, but towards art.  That gift may wind up belated. But I do see them on the 24th and the 31st. I can give what C.A.S has passed onto me for the 24th, and hopefully have some art complete by the 31st.

Another thing that was upsetting was that an assertive exercise triggered a post traumatic episode. It shocked me. Of all things to set me off, it’s when I need to be assertive. It brought back 2 memories I would rather forget.

Then there’s Idle No More. How it could affect my goals. Court, what is expected of me;  School, a part-time job and my children on the weekends. As much as I want it, it’s very over-whelming. I still need to deal with my sleep issues. Not sleeping enough, or too much. I have to brace myself to kiss a break good-bye. A break as in a moment to rest.

My thoughts was like a traffic jam at rush hour. I was experiencing so much anxiety I puked. Not the first time that happened. But it does every now and then.

Luckily I have support. I went to visit a friend around 2am,  left around 5am. Anyway, I observed. When this friend of mine wants to know something, she seeks the answer and gets it. For example; We were talking about the word opulent. We were curious on how it was spelled, so she took out her dictionary, looked it up and voila! Or lets say the news mentions a certain highway, we get curious where that one goes, she will pull out a map and find it. We get our answer. The way she get’s up, and just puts things into action to get a result. She is a good example. Plus, I noticed something about the way she speaks. It’s not “Maybe.” Or “What if.” Or even “I can’t.” The words she uses often are “I can.”

I’ve also thought about a friend that supports me from a distance. She has O.C.D and experiences anxiety attacks. Matter of fact, I witnessed it with my own eyes before. I’m not alone. I know she would be able to relate, and she gets by and copes. It’s not something that holds her back.

Yes, I was reminded of horrible things that have happened. But you know what? I survived and got past it numerous times. So I took a day to wind down. I did cancel a visit with my children, but at the time, I was in no shape mentally to function properly. I felt bad having to do so, but in the end, it was for best. I needed time to shake it all off.

For a while there I felt like a female Scrooge. Not really feeling the Christmas spirit. But my friends have been amazing. I’ve been invited to one friends house to bake cookies on the 24th, I’ve been invited to have Christmas dinner with a group of friends on the 25th. And another support from a distance is coming to London. She is holding a Potluck kinda gathering on the 27th and I’ve been invited.

It gives me things to look forward to and to be thankful for. It keeps my mind off other things as well.

I hope this Christmas will be more fair to my son. Last year my exes family kinda favored and pampered my daughter with gifts, neglecting my boy. I was disgusted with that behavior. So I’ll pray that his Christmas will be awesome, and fair this time around. They are both beautiful children, they both deserve to be equally as happy. I know I cannot be there. I was invited last year. But I cannot repeat that cycle anymore. I refuse to. I know my son wishes that his parents were together again. But maybe one day he will understand. We weren’t happy together. I sure as hell wasn’t. They deserve to have happy parents, and we’re better off separate.

Anyway, whatever happens with Idle No More. I won’t let that stop me. I know I said that 2012 was going to be my year to rise. I did somewhat, I’m not the same person I was before 2011, or prior. But hopefully I can work much harder at it in 2013. I’ve changed within myself,and yeah, I may still need some tweaking. Pooks is still in progress of being molded. Sometimes it hurts. But I will just keep getting stronger. I gotta start focusing on whats around me as well. I’m not just creating me. I’m creating what’s around me. Trying to turn a dream into a reality.

One of the things I’ve come to love about myself is not just my ability to laugh, but also to be able to get right back up. I’m too stubborn to quit, and I love that. – Pooks

“I make the path!” – Alice (Alice in Wonderland)

 

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By pooks82

Behind it all I’m Haunted

Wow. I’m fucked up. I kinda figured I was, just didn’t realize how much.

At my Leads appointment we tried to do an assertive exercise. I admitted I was passive. But didn’t say why. It hit me like a brick wall even though it was just practice. I could not get a single word out of my mouth. It became difficult to breathe. I’d be holding my breath and gasping. I couldn’t even help it. All I could write on a sheet of paper was “I’m afraid to speak.” My worker probably thought it was a normal reaction at first, but it was so much more.  She said it’s normal to feel your heart beat speed up, etc. But this wasn’t like that. My body refused to let me speak. I was that scared. What happens when I set boundaries and stick up for myself? I get hurt. I get thrown and choked.

The tears really came out by the time I got home. I just let it out. The devastation that I physically won’t allow myself to stick up for myself. Not face to face with another person. I get that scared. To the point I can barely breathe. I practically hyperventilate. I don’t know what my problem is.  It was just practice yet I still freaked out. I didn’t realize I’m still so traumatized. It happened years ago. I’m safe now. Although my body doesn’t think so whenever I have to be assertive. It’s a reminder. A trigger that brings back shit I would rather try to forget.

I’ve been trying to relax and calm myself down. The panic and anxiety. No. I need to get it together if I see my children later.

I’m glad I have a worker that thinks that I can get past all this. Even though I didn’t tell her everything. She just knew that the exercise was a bit much, and suggested that we find another way to cope. Perhaps I’m not ready for that direct approach just yet.

I shouldn’t have to be terrified to stand up for myself. I mean, I do in writing, but to the point I attack and I’m aggressive. I try to protect myself, but also try to avoid conflict.  Every time I’ve tried to be assertive, I was attacked violently.

I hope I can overcome this fear, and that it is not a long term effect of trauma. I hope I can manage to balance it all. It’s hard for me. How do I be assertive without being rude? I didn’t exactly grow up an example.  In order to break this cycle I will have to learn on my own. Hopefully with the support I have now I can learn.

I don’t want to always be afraid to speak when I need to set personal boundaries.

For the next two weeks, I don’t really have any homework. Just to do art at home so I can continue to express myself because that is my voice. Even if I am the only one that may understand whatever the image is expressing.

Although I have been trying to, but I’ve been having a writers block, but for art lately. Everything I try to draw ends up deformed, or my mind draw a blank. I am having trouble staying focused. I am trying to create art for my children for Christmas. But I think it needs to be perfect. Therefore I just end up with a pile of crumpled paper, and so far, no progress, and Christmas is less than a week away.

Anyway, I am going to take a nap before I head for a visit with my children. I think I could use the rest. I need energy for the visit, and honestly; I’m feeling kind of drained. I need to take it easy. One step at a time, continually moving forward. Even if my mind sets me back. – Pooks

By pooks82

Burn it

I normally don’t follow politics. I don’t believe one person can have control over another. Let alone a mass of people. Not without being corrupted by power and greed.

But lately I feel like I need to stand and do something. I’m not sure what. But I am native. I know what it’s like to struggle as is, to try to live in a society that refuses to accept you. It’s pretty sad really. Foreigners from other countries get more respect than natives. When it comes to “social status” , whose better than the other, natives are on the bottom of the shit pile. Pathetic. Yet in native beliefs we are equal, we are all one. That is partly what the medicine wheel symbolizes. Not to sound racist, because I am not, but I am betting that a power thirsty white man made up this social stature crap to feel and be superior.

I remember when I started to notice, when the confusion began. There is so much I do not understand because I’ve been disconnected from it all. I have an Aunt that is very connected with her roots. She fights for land, she fights for rights. The fact that she fights to hold onto aboriginal traditions, is admirable. Because there’s family, such as myself, that has been taken away from it. So I still need to learn, and pass on what I can.

I’m still not 100% sure what is going on. But I see glimpses of it. Bill C-45. Why care now? Because, I am so close to my goal; My children. If natives lose their treaty rights, what does that mean for me? I’m currently in First Nation Housing, that could be taken from me. I’ve been trying to hold onto this home as long as I can. For school, getting funds from Northern Niishanabe Council to assist me, that could be gone too.

It doesn’t just effect me. There are many other natives fighting for a chance in this world. Sadly, there are also many that have given up, and drown in their sorrows with alcohol and other addictions.

I’ve read that it was the Queen that agreed to giving Natives their treaty rights, and now this man named Stephen Harper that is just making a mess of everything thinks he can just take those rights away. It’s bad enough he’s destroying our land with oil.

Oil “Black gold” should just go back into the earth where it belongs. It’s done nothing but manifest greed and pollution. It destroys our natural resources. I mean, we cut down tree’s for roads. In other words, we choose oil over oxygen. Why? Because of money. Paper that supposedly symbolizes some kind of value. Is it really worth anything? No. The lives of the soldiers that get sent to battle over this bullshit are more valuable than any of that paper in the banks, or your wallets. It’s all in your head. So that the rich just keep getting richer.

I know the Joker is a fictional character. But for a  fictional character, he had the right idea. Burn it.

What could happen afterward without money? People work  as a community. They work together to survive, giving each-other what they have to offer naturally.

Overall that would be the solution. A blank slate. A fresh start. But people fear change. Until then, I hope my fellow natives fight. If our past relatives and ancestors fought for us, we have to fight for our future. Our children’s future. Stop Stephen Harper. He has no right. – Pooks

By pooks82

Sometimes ya gotta be mean

I have been a bit mean lately.

But sometimes I think you need to be, otherwise people think they can just walk all over you. Which then leads to me being a miserable robot just doing what I am told. I swore to myself that I won’t let that happen again.  I am not a doormat.

Perhaps some people just seek happiness in wrong places. Even though ultimately they have complete control over that. Happiness is a choice. Yet they still seek it from others to make them happy.  To temporarily distract them from their own choice of being miserable.

It sucks. The person they come to constantly feels drained, and used. The inner spark starts to diffuse of suffocation.

When I was hanging out with this person before, we were downtown. Her boyfriend called. He asked her what she was doing. And she said; “Oh, nothing.” If I didn’t mean much then, how can I possibly believe I mean much any other time. But when they break up, suddenly I’m her best-friend. Odd, I’m pretty sure I meant nothing. Ya know? So why so surprised? I won’t allow to myself to be used.

I’m not even entirely sure what the heck she wanted from me. It just seemed like a popularity thing. As if hanging out with me will make her popular. I don’t think so.  I’ve always been a freak. I will do what I can to get that shock outta people. Perhaps it’s the artist in me that craves to push boundaries. So I will either embarrass the people around me, or having people think “What the fuck?” I don’t think that would go good with someone that cares too much what others think. I’ve tried to tell her that on numerous occasions. Who cares what I think, let alone what anybody else thinks. But no, she continues to care too much about what others have to say. For example, after “Point of Focus” I got 24 ranting text messages. I only responded twice. Telling her to fuck off. And the other pointing out her behavior of harassment. There was no point of reading anything she had to say. The number of times my cell went off, it was clear it was a rant. Which she knows damn well that I do not care to hear. Let alone read.

Anyways, the point of this blog. Sometimes you gotta be mean. If you’re too nice, people take advantage. Not mean as in what happened on the 14th in Connecticut . Using violence. That was a devastating day. I can only imagine how heart broken those parents are. I know what it’s like to lose your children, but not permanently. I guess I’m fortunate that way, and I am blessed. I at least get to see them once a week. These parents probably had Christmas gifts wrapped, and were looking forward to seeing their children’s faces light up with smiles. But no,  that’s been robbed from them. I can only imagine the loss they feel. I hope that they can come together as a community, to grieve together, and eventually heal together. R.I.P to all the lives lost on that day.

Anyway, I mean as in making sure you get the point across. Even if it stings the other party. Sometimes with aggressive people, I’ve learned, that my writing is the only way that gets through to any of them. Otherwise, they refuse to listen. They cut you off. They speak louder and above you. They do whatever it takes not to acknowledge anything you have to say. I know, I’ve had a life-time of experience with these type of people.  So trying to  have a “rational conversation” isn’t really possible. It just explodes into a one sided argument that isn’t even worth getting into because  it really is a waste of energy. So I’ve found a tool that goes directly to their heads, gets my point across. Yes, I’ve had to break their hearts, bruise their ego’s. I may come across as the bitch. But for my own well being, the way I see it, I did what I had to. Yes, the name- calling may have been too much. For example: “Retarded Parrot.”  But it’s just to point out that this person does things in cycles that I do NOT want to be a part of. I am protecting myself from past cycles. A cycle I am determined to break. Hopefully I’ve pointed out some patterns of behavior that they can work on, and not have to run into this kind of problem with future relationships.  I don’t really know how else to cope with it, but to shut it out.  – Pooks

By pooks82

Point of Focus (Part 2)

So I am going to be taking some time away from the Ark. I already explained a bit to the facilitator of the New School of Colour that I do not deal with aggressive people very well. I do what I know what has worked for me so far, and that is shutting them out. Or leaving the situation.

Because of this,  one of the many within 24 text messages I had gotten yesterday from her, she accuses me of being a coward. “Whose the coward now?”  is what she had texted. I admit that in my last blog that is how I defined her when she talks trash about people on her facebook.  But I’ve dealt with many aggressive people in my life, there is no “winning” so to speak. They are right, everybody else is wrong.  So talking isn’t really an option if it’s just going to explode into a spazzy freakin argument on her end.

Let’s define her more from my perspective, she is clingy. She constantly wants to hang out. Matter of fact, last Thursday I just woke up, and I get a text that she’s walking over the bridge to my house. Not really giving me much of a choice but to get ready and what not.

Plus, the things I am to attend for my own well-being. She was either going with me to these appointments, or the reason I missed something scheduled.

I’m sorry, but 2 people cannot be around each-other constantly. Everybody needs space. And if I cannot even get a weekend without an inbox on Facebook, or 24 text messages of her ranting of my absence. Than yeah, something needs to be done.

She takes things too literal, and that is what I meant by extreme. Last year her boyfriend broke up with her, I suggested to have fun. So she hops from man to man having sex and giving head. Not exactly what I meant. At least have some self dignity. I meant have fun as in go out and meet people.  Another example, a joke about her being the sacrificial lamb because one of the staff members was grouchy. Now she’s obsessing. I’m not the only one weirded out by her behavior. Others defined it as her being a “sexual predator.”  The man is married, and yeah, she’s going a bit over board, as usual.

For Shine the Light. It was great she showed her support, but yeah. Very extreme. Head to toe in purple. Harmless example. But still an example, of how she takes things way to literal.

She says she is trying to get away from people that complain and whine, yet she does it so often. And she is so judgmental, there was a guy in the park exercising using the park bench. Of coarse she wants to giggle and mock like she’s so freakin cool and superior. But when I went to boxercise, I did the same freakin exercise with a chair. Ya know? I was almost temped to join the guy, and say my friend wanted to laugh and make fun of you, now she can make fun of me too.  So, who is she to say what is cool and what isn’t?

At Tim Hortons, matter of fact I caught it on video, she totally snubbed our other friend. “Cuz she’s cool like that.” Referring to me, as if she were excluding our other friend. I’m sorry, but I was friends with this other friend first before Little Miss Clingy came along, and to me, she will always be cool. Ya know? She can respect her space, but obviously not mine. This past weekend was proof of that.

Speaking of that, what the fuck?! When the fuck did I get to be supposedly so fuckin cool?! When the fuck did that happen?? I still see myself as a freak, as a maggot, as an outsider that is always misunderstood.

So yeah, she was in like major obsessive fan mode. Extremely freakin clingy. I could probably post the word “Queef” as a status, and she’d be up on that liking it. Matter of fact, she’s got this blog so that it goes directly to her cell whenever I post. She’s a bit much. And no I don’t have to talk to her, my actions speak loud enough. Enough is enough. Back off.

I found the following words on a site. It will be posted below where I normally put quotes. It just seems fitting. It mentions boundaries, and well, I’m building a fuckin wall between us. 24 text messages?? Yeah, that’s not creepy at all! Fuck! Yeah, umm.. bye!- Pooks

“Boundaries are important in any relationship, but with a clingy individual, they are crucial. Without them, the friendship would likely come to an end.” – Anonymous

p.s – She gets all huffy about being mentioned in these blogs. Well, it’s the same as I said to my ex. If ya weren’t such a dick, I wouldn’t have to write about it. This blog is basically an online journal. At least if gives people the choice to read it or not, it’s not in everybody’s face like a Facebook status.

By pooks82

Point of Focus

So I’m still struggling with those two questions I was given for homework. And quite honestly I think my answer right now would be to quit and get the hell away from what it is that is making shit difficult.

Presently is an ex friend, I’ve recently cut ties with. Her mental disorder is too much. She goes from one extreme to the next. I am to be the freakin distraction she leeches off of to feel better. Heaven forbid if I need my space. She will turn around and do what she can to make me look like shit, and say whatever to make herself look good.

I’ve blocked her from my Facebook. She used my last post “Invisible Mask” as an attack. Even though I was just trying to express an analogy that “maggots” can relate to. Then again I shouldn’t have stooped to her level. But no! It’s okay for her to take cheap shots at other people on Facebook without saying it to their face like a fuckin coward, but when it’s done to her, all hell breaks loose. She goes into a manipulative mode making herself out to be some sort of saint.

The fact that she used my analogy on me as an attack, and used it as a comparison to make herself out to be the better person I found beyond disrespectful. I do not tolerate disrespect. So yeah, she’s been cut off.

The problem, she goes to the Ark Aid Street Mission, The New School of Colour. And yeah, if I have to, I will quit so that I don’t have to deal with her bullshit. She’s even thinking about volunteering. So yeah, I can imagine her next move is to kiss major ass, of any friends that we share to single me out.

So yeah, I think I need new friends, a different scene.

I don’t know how else to deal with over-bearing control freaks. Besides to get myself away from them. Ya know? I am trying to get better, not worse. Her rants of depression get to be a bit much. That is shit that should be discussed with a professional. There isn’t anything anybody on Facebook can do about it anyway. But supposedly she uses it to vent. Not everybody needs that shit forced in their face. I’ve said that numerous times. There was a time where I did care, I was concerned and I’d speak up. Ya know what happens? Ya get shit on. And if you don’t give a fuck either, ya get shit on. Damned if ya do, damned if ya don’t.

I’ve had my fill. I’m sick of it. I got my own problems to worry about. Who knows, maybe without her crap I will actually be able to focus.

That was another thing I learned at Leads, when you’re frustrated, you tend to lose focus. Well I sure as hell lost my focus around a drama queen. I’m probably not going to be able to focus being in the same environment. So the only answer I can think of is to change my environment. Even if that means kissing the Ark and the New School good bye! – Pooks

By pooks82

Invisible Mask

The more I go to Leads Employment Services, the more I learn about myself. Even if it’s something I don’t want to admit and/or is that slap of reality I try to avoid.

As much as I try to portray myself as being able to think outside the box, apparently I am still very sheltered within. I stick to habits, routines, and coping stategies to distract myself that I’ve become so content with. I am to find other stategies, such as actually talking to people. The ability to communicate with others and network.  It is something has been becoming more easier as the days go on, since I seem to draw complete strangers to me that have an odd urge to have a random conversation with me.  As bizarre as I think it is, I think it’s good. Whatever it is about me that is changing is attracting people. Perhaps the reason I am so unfamiliar with this kind of interaction is because I am so use to isolation, and I still see myself as the “freak” in highschool that use to scare others. I don’t see the difference.

And yes, I got a kind lecture about my punctuality. Today I actually showed up on time. I do every now and then. But majority of the time, I am late. I am late for most things, besides anything that has to do with my children. Punctuality is one of the key things employers look for. So I will make a better effort.

Perhaps I lack motivation. Maybe even the confidence, even though that too is improving. I still battle with it though. I get caught into thinking traps, such as “Why bother?”, “You’re just gonna fuck up anyway”, “You are not capable.” I don’t even give myself the chance to prove myself wrong. I am constantly too hard on myself.

So at these appointments, I am learning other ways to cope.  It helps to actually see it for what it is.  Flat out pointing out these behaviors that need work. I can handle it emotionally, it’s just putting things into action and actually dealing with whatever situation it is I am trying pursue.

My distractions/ ways of coping are art, writing, listening to music and socail networking online. Trying to think of ways to step outside of that is challenging.

Even though I may come across as an extravert, I am truly an introvert. My attempt to change my ways is to pretend. Or to put it as an analogy, it’s like putting an invisible mask that I’ve labeled; Pooks. I try to act like I already am what I want to become. When in reality, I’m still in progress.

I was given homework.  Just to answer 2 questions, that will probably take me a week to complete because I’ve drawn a blank. I am to think of things that would make me feel comfortable in a socail/ work setting. As well as to think about what I can do realistically in a work setting to make myself feel better if I was to ever be frustrated or disappointed.

In the past, I was so passive. I’d do nothing. I’d keep it all in and no one would know that anything was wrong with me. I would continue on as an emotionless robot.

Now that I feel I have the freedom to express what I feel, I’m not sure how I would speak up in a work setting without sounding rude. Balance I guess. Something I am still yet to figure out. Is there such a thing? Is it actually possible?

Talking to my councellor did help, until that one visit where she rattled my cage. I don’t see how making me doubt or question my choices helps. Let alone get me worried over something that I will pray that I don’t have to worry about. I will trust C.A.S’s judgement. If they say my ex is not a risk to my children, than he is not a risk to them. Perhaps my ex’s problem, and hatred toward women is only geared toward me. For some reason I am the one that is chosen to be shit on for everything that has ever went wrong in his life.

So since I missed another appointment with my councelor, I doubt I will be returning. I was actually considering looking else where. That is if my schedule allows it. If ya cannot tell by the gaps between posts. I have been becoming more busy these days. Volunteering, just trying to get things in order, court coming up, appointments, etc.

Speaking of that, I did see my lawyer a couple of days ago. Tommorrow C.A.S will be coming by to have me sign some papers. They will be out of the picture soon.  Meaning, my visits will have to be arranged elsewhere. And, yeah, after talking to my lawyer, going back to school seems to be the route to go. So I am to try to register for next fall. In the meantime, I am volunteering at The Arts Project as a floater, and I’m a volunteer at the New School of Colour.  So basically work on gaining experience and recent references. I can do that. I just need to somehow squeeze a visit to the University into my chaos.

So that is somewhat of an update on what’s been going on. I have not disappeared completely, and I am still doing art. I appologize that I don’t have anything to show for it though. Bouncing between projects, and what not. But when I do complete something, you will either see it here, or on my Facebook. I will more than likely share whatever I created.

Another thing to confess; I have not been to church since my friends moved out west. It’s been over a month. I admit I’ve been avoiding it because it will be different. But I know it was something positive in my life. It kept me somewhat sane. I will need to go back, even if my friends are no longer there.  – Pooks

Jesus answered; “It is written, man does not live on bread alone.” – Luke 4:4

By pooks82