Rollercoaster Ride in my Mind

Reading over a court order. April 12th, 2011, My ex reported to C.A.S that our son told him that when he was a baby his mom ( Me)  told him to touch everyone’s privates. Smh. Ridiculous. The freakin guy will try anything. Obviously C.A.S ain’t buying that, otherwise they wouldn’t be closing our file. They did an investigation, and clearly it went nowhere. Yeah, lies are hard to prove aren’t they? Then again, Lies only get you so far buddy. Sad really. He tries so hard to make me out to be the “goof” ( London slang that is equivalent to a pedophile) , yet he’s making himself look 10 times worse. Burying himself in lies. I’ll stick to the truth. With lies your walls will crumble, with the truth you can only rise.

I think a lot of my friends and family would define him as a pathological liar. As for his friends and family, would say that I am a crackhead whore.  I got a lot of people that can vouch otherwise. A LOT. I’ve said it many times, my only addictions are caffeine and cigarettes.  I enjoy my Mocha’s, Coffee, and Coca-Cola.

This was a status on Facebook, but I really do try to keep my Facebook up and perky so to speak. So I removed it, and placed it here, where my more personal shit goes. It gives my followers the option to read it or not. I know there’s other people out there, and they might be down in the dumps. So they could use some positive enlightenment. So I’ll post positive uplifting quotes, stuff that makes me laugh. Who knows, it might make others laugh as well. So yeah, I try to keep my venting to a minimum on Facebook. If people really want to see what’s going on in my mind. They can come here.

I’m currently cleaning my home, which I usually do on Sundays.  I stumbled upon a Court Order. Not the one I was looking for, but a previous one. I’m searching for the most recent one for Merrymount. They need a copy of it. If all else fails, and I cannot find it, I’ll ask either C.A.S, or my lawyer to fax it to them. It’s ridiculous how much paper is given to me, bills, OW, flyers, newspapers,  then programs I’m involved with. They all just keep handing you heaps and heaps of paper. I have a filing cabinet that will come to good use. Until then, boxes come in handy. Until I feel up to the challenge of filing and organizing them into files.

Confession, I normally don’t read my Court Orders. It get’s passed to me, I take it home and chuck it in a corner, and forget about it. It’s almost like reading a tabloid. Like; “Ugh! What’s he saying now?” kinda thing.

But things keep getting better. I have returned to the New School of Colour on Monday evenings. I’ve been missed. They’re such a wonderful bunch. By the way, the New School of Colour has a website; http://www.newschoolofcolour.com/ . So keep an eye on it!

I see my children on Wednesdays. We always have a blast. So much so that time just flies.

I am closer and closer to getting back into school. I still need to look into it more. So far I know I am to apply into a faculty, or more. So I’m thinking; Arts & Humanities. Start there and see where it leads me. And I will have to browse their site some more to see what they have for writing classes. Or if there is a faculty for that.

More opportunities reveal themselves as I keep going. Such as a program that will help me manage cash, and work a cash register. The Goodwill Career Centre will notify when that class is available in the future. I am certain that will help me out immensely with my job search. Because even though I am preparing myself for school, I plan to go part-time, and work part-time.

I am still volunteering of coarse. I love volunteering at The Arts Project, I do my best to grab up as many hours as I can get. I want to learn as much as I can while I’m there surrounded by art and other artists.

Which reminds me, I’ve got some work completed, as in art. Finally. I’ve shared on my personal Facebook so far. I think I’ll wait until they’re framed before I share them here, or on my Facebook Fanpage. It was weird, just a burst of motivation and inspiration lately. I’m just glad that I got something done this year. Last year there were way too many distractions.

Besides that, I actually heard from my sister. It’s felt like ages. She wants to come back to London, and she asked to crash at my home, along with her boyfriend. We’ve tried this before years ago, and it turned out ugly. I kicked her out, and she got vindictive. She put toothpaste in the keyhole of my apartment. I really don’t want to go through that again, wither she’s using or not. Her and her boyfriend seem to be into their alcohol. So that makes me a bit stand off-ish. My home is my haven. It’s my escape from everyone else’s nonsense and bullshit. Do I really want to take on the drama of two alcoholics? No. I love my sister dearly. I think about her often. She’s been there, even when I pushed her away. Behind my back, she standing up for me. I hate having to say no to her, but I say no out of love. Not only am I not allowed to have boarders, but soon this won’t just be my home. The kids will be here too. Even if it’s just weekends. It’s their castle. So as their mother, I protect it. I haven’t seen my sister in a year or two, I have no idea what kind of condition she’s in. Wither or not her and her boyfriend are sober. I know if the kids were here, she would respect my home. But they’re not, yet. I’m not going to let her treat me like a door-mat again, that’s for sure. Maybe I struggle a bit there with trust. But can she really blame me? I think after all the bullshit I’ve overcome, yeah a person is bound to have some trust issues. It’s going to take a lot more to earn it. Start showing me reasons to say yes. I want to say yes, but my gut is sayin “no”. I mean, she’s a great sister, she’s a great aunt. But if she’s using, she’s somebody else. I can’t take that chance. I’ll wait til I see her in person, see for myself, before I let her into my home. So yeah, I’m a bit cautious, and she may hate me for awhile for saying no. Someone else will have to come to her aid. If there is one thing she can always count on me for, is that I will always be the big sister, and what I have to offer is; “tough-love.”

On another note, I have not returned to church. So to my beloved friends that did attend that church and moved, if you ever read this, I hope you understand. I kind of felt like my blogs, my thoughts were being used in sermons as examples of what not to do. These are my thoughts, my heart gets poured into these. I’m not going to let others tell me what to think, I am more than capable to think for myself, obviously. If that is so wrong, then so be it. I’ve always had a rebellious edge to me anyway. Besides, I’ve been told many times that I don’t need to be in a church to praise God.

I still believe in my Creator. I believe that my Creator is always with me. Walking with me, helping to laugh every time I look back. Maybe one day I will be so happy going forward, and there will be no looking back, period. – Pooks

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By pooks82

I Laugh at you

I was rummaging through some things, and I found some old poetry I wrote. I am working on a poetry book. It will probably be added to it. I was trying to write an auto-biography, but that wasn’t working out for me. It just kept going on and on…and well, I got my blog for that.  So I am starting over and getting all my poetry together. Who knows, maybe I will have a poetry book published, just like my Aunt.

Anyway, the poem. I wrote it back in 2007. It kinda makes me chuckle at everyone that has ever accused me of being a drug addict.  Enjoy.

Slugs & Snakes

Drugs can make people do stupid things

Like lie to people that give a damn

Pimp’s and Hoes that think their living like Queen’s and King’s

A fork in the road to the Grim Reaper or the slam…

EER! It pisses me off when all I see are snakes

Trying to drag others  into their pit-hole

So now they twitch, and bitch, and get the shakes

A chemical created to steal your soul

Hey it’s the icing on the money maker’s cakes

Too cowardly, or too lazy to face the real world

These people create excuses

Like a slug, shriveled and curled

It’s not only the user the drug abuses

An addict will neglect family and friends

And wonder why they feel alone

Loneliness, fear, shame, depression, anger…

What caused all this? Where does it end?

Deal with these issues, rather than dwell and moan

I know it’s easier said than done

But it’s better to do something about it

Better than the option to run

Otherwise it’s suicide, and it’s your life the drug has won

Addicts can only use people for so long

Until there is noone to break their fall

False happiness, false fun, you can’t fool this one!

Copyright © 2007 By Pooks

Note – The title of this blog “I laugh at you” is not directed towards any drug addicts. I already know how much they take things so personally. It’s towards all the people that have accused me of being a drug addict. Such as a doctor that refused to take my blood and prove it, some workers, my ex, his brother, and all his buddies, etc, etc.

By pooks82

The Joy of Maternal Instincts

Rather than just going on babbling about it on Facebook. I’m just gonna transfer everything I had said there, here.

So I watched this to get a better idea of my son’s interests. The artist in me says; Wow! That’s cool! But the mom in me is kinda shocked. I can’t help it. It’s so violent! But I am trying to understand what my son is into. Get some kind of idea of what he is talking about during our visits.

That is kinda where my ex and I have a conflict. My ex believes that it is important for our children to keep up with modern technology. As for me, I just don’t want them spending too much time in front of a screen. I encourage otherwise. Physical activity and the use of their imagination. There’s more to life than…video-games.

I think it is very artistic, the graphics are amazing. But I guess what is kinda gettin under my skin is the fact that it makes a gun out to be a toy, which should be taken a bit more seriously. My son is 7, this is a game rated “Mature”, for adults. So yeah, it is a bit concerning, and at some point, my son will need to be educated that a gun is not a toy.

And whose gonna have to do that? Me. Always cleaning and fixing up my ex’s messes. Guuuh!

That might not even be the reason why my son likes the game. He just might like it because the main character comes off as “Heroic” , and he’s probably just seeking a new “hero” to admire rather than Spiderman. Still, my son will be educated one day about weaponry and the responsibilities that come with it. Keep the guns for hunting, they are meant for survival purposes only. Not killing each-other. Ahem, Hunting and survival as in food. You’re starving, ya need to eat. That kinda thing.

I will try to keep an open-mind to Halo, and whatever other game my son is interested in. I do want a good relationship with my boy, and that means accepting and embracing his interests. But as a responsible parent, I believe one of us, or both, will need to educate our son what a gun is really for, traditionally. Not as is war. War is just mass murder because two people are too cowardly to communicate and solve their own problems. So they send a bunch of strangers to fight for them instead. The result, a lot of father’s, son’s, brothers, grand-fathers , and even women these days, just gave their lives because two people refused to communicate. What are they fighting for  nowadays? Oil. You already know my thoughts about that. It’s not worth it. – Pooks

Random ThoughtMy son and I were talking about Angry Birds. I asked, “Do you know why the Birds are so angry?” My son responded with; “Yeah, it’s cause someone stole their eggs.” Then I said; “Nuh uh! Wouldn’t you be angry too if you had no feet or wings and ya kept getting shot out of a giant sling shot?” That made him laugh quite a bit. Thought I’d add it in here, it is game related.

By pooks82

Battles on the Chess Board

Obviously I have been distracted lately. Not, only has my sleeping routine been thrown out of  it’s pattern. I just have had a bit of a rough week. Thankfully a visit with a friend, and a visit with my children has helped get the focus back somewhat. My children have a way of melting whatever was bothering me and pushing it aside with their smiles and laughter. I think it’s adorable that my son said that he is no longer a maggot, he is a BIG alien. My boy, son of an alien goddess.  😉

So what happened? I got this rude guy online calling me a fool and a goof. One minute saying I’m such a sweet woman, then he turns around and says otherwise.  Turns out he’s just a disrespectful pervert. I have no idea where he found me on Facebook, but yeah, total stranger from Russia that had the nerve to inbox me;  “You have nice legs. Show me your tits.” This kind of behavior disgusts me, and immediately gets shot down. I have no idea how many men I have shot down these last 2-3 years because they’ve been flat out disrespectful. I am not an “easy skank”. Nor will I tolerate being treated like a piece of meat. You disrespect me, I’m gonna disrespect you back. It’s that simple. I will reveal a side of me that isn’t so pleasant, and get freakin ugly. If that makes me a “tight” “bitch”. Whatever. Just because I value myself, and my body, I guess that makes me a bitch. I pity decent men, because it’s men like this that only make it that much harder for them to get through to me.

What else? This supposed friend invites me to her house to watch a movie. During this movie she’s pointing at dippy characters and saying that those are so me. This is a person that has only been around me a couple days within an entire year. So yeah, suddenly she thinks we’re “besties” and she knows me so well.  Yet, she doesn’t really know me from a hole in the ground. She laughs, and say’s I’m so gullible. Yet, I only act completely ridiculous for laughter, there is a lot more going on in my head then I let on. So if you think that I am just a ridiculous character, and neglect what goes on behind it all. I am a deep analytical thinker. Sorry, but you are the one that is gullible.

I have no idea why I attract these needy people with serious mental issues. Maybe she thinks “Oh so and so took advantage of this person, so can I.” sort of ordeal. People that think this always get proven otherwise and kicked to the curb. I mean yeah, I helped clean her house a bit. Didn’t really want to. Anyone that knows me should know by now that I despise cleaning. It wasn’t even that, I barely touched a thing. She cleaned, so she’s clearly capable. She just wants to be supervised, or babysat. Have someone to hold her hand for every little dinky thing. I mean, when I was ready to head home at 4am IN THE MORNING!!. She was like” You can’t go yet. Stay while I write this letter.”  Seriously, you need someone with you in order to write a letter?! So I stayed. But then she asked that I return the next day to clean her house. No.  I was there, I seen with my own eyes she is capable of doing this shit. I am not a maid. Nor am I a door-mat. It does not say “Welcome” across my freakin forehead! Plus, she just wanted me to “help” clean her house for when this other friend of hers ( that she actually gives a fuck about) comes by.

Another thing that disturbed me.  The scissors. She was holding scissors at one point, threw off my tuque and joked as if to cut my hair off. Uhhh… no. If your not a professional, the only one hacking at my hair is me. Plus, I am currently trying to grow it out. Joking or not, ya know? I am someone that has had experienced a lot of abuse, and she just threatened my safety with a sharp object that could go through my skull with enough force. So any trust there is thrown out the window, and I’m stuck in a room with a crazy person.

Back to the cleaning thing. I had helped another friend clean over the weekend, difference is she was moving, and not only did she pay me $10, she offered kombucha, meals and coffee during the breaks.  There was some respect and hospitality there. Unlike this other person who said that I could make myself a coffee at her house, and she turns around saying she wants the coffee that I just made. So I end up making the coffee that I was making for me, for her.

So yeah, I got treated like shit for a night. I broke down, and was like FUCK YOU ALL!!! I’m disappearing for awhile. Which I did. I got away from the forms people can contact me at, which is my internet, and my cell ( which I turned off). I went to see an older friend, that expects nothing of me. I can relax at her place. She even lets me rant a little if I need to.  Besides that, we watch t.v and drink coffee.  I always feel better afterward, more focused. I am reminded of my children, what I am trying to achieve. I get back to focusing on my own needs and not everybody else’s needs.

Even though I did miss my Leads appointment today, I am still trying to turn my clock around…again. Staying awake to clean and wait for this other person to write her letter til 4am didn’t help. I cut her out. Stopped responding to her messages period. I got her number in my cell I.D.ed as “Ignore this caller 2.”

I am reminded of something that Kellie Jo Hollie ( another survivor of abuse) had said.

“One good thing about being isolated by the abuser is that when you kick them to the curb, you have no friends. That is GOOD because you start with a fresh slate. You get to choose what old friends to re-invite into your life and what new friends to make. After abuse, you can make wiser decisions in who you choose to be around.”

That is so true. Ultimately, I choose what I want this time around. Even when it comes to friends. No one has power over that, but me.

So I more than likely won’t be associating with this person with the scissors again. Maybe her sister, but not her.

I can understand her sisters needs. She is a full-time mother of a 10 month old. Her fiance works late hours at night. Sleeps during the day. I can understand her need of assistance here and there.

On another note, I went to an Information session at U.W.O. I am excited, and slightly overwhelmed. Ready or not, I know I got to at least try. I’m hoping that the professors won’t be as discriminative as the Art’s Coordinator was at Fanshawe College. Ya know? There’s a difference between constructive criticism, and flat out criticism. He just did not want me to succeed because of his racial preferences. I never forgot what he said. Calling my work a doodle, saying I should quit, or stick to “native art”. Obviously, I have fans and support that think otherwise. A fellow member of the New School of Colour said that a previous buyer wants to see more of my work. So yeah, my work is in demand. That should say enough about my art.

Tomorrow I will be going to a fashion show called Fashion 4 Change. It will be held at the University of Western Ontario in the Mustang Lounge. No idea where that is exactly, but I will find it. The purpose of the show is to raise awareness to social issues with the hope  to prevent racial and sexual stereotyping, sexual violence, homophobia/transphobia, and environmental degradation in our community. Admission to this event is either by donation or bring a non- perishable food item. I’m excited. I never have been to anything like this. So yeah, it should be fun! I’m trying new things! Yaaaay!

On Friday, there is a live show I will be checking out at EVAC. So even though this week had it’s ups and downs. It is still eventful and adventurous.

Sometimes I take my eye off the ball so to speak. I get distracted. But I always find my way back. I know what I want. I just want to be with my children again, even if it’s just weekends.  I will push any freakin pawn over that gets in my way, even if it’s so -called “friends.”  – Pooks

By pooks82

Wander Alone

I did get a bit depressed and threw my wonderful routine of early mornings out the window. I slept in until 1:55pm. So obviously, I did not go to church. Ya know? What’s the point if my thoughts are just going to be poked fun at? Returning would just mean asking for more damage than what’s already been done. Christians perceive themselves as non-judgmental. But it is one thing to say so, and another thing to actually live it. A friend of mine said they are the worst when it comes to judging others. They seem to accept the Nepali folk just fine, but what is it about me? I think.

This is how I feel, like I’m not allowed to think for myself. They pass me a book and say that is how I am to think. So forget individuality, forget being unique, be a clone.

Okay, if there is one thing I’ve known all my life is that I am not a clone. I’ve never fit in anywhere. I have always been kinda awkward and different. I am not completely naive, and I don’t just follow a herd without asking questions. Maybe there is a reason for that. Even though my church perceived themselves as a rebellion, they’re not. Their sheep. And Maybe I am not even a black sheep, maybe I am something completely different. I have a constant urge to go against the grain, and unlike my church, I follow through. I am an artist. I can accept that my every move will be misunderstood. But I am trying to find the ultimate artist, the Creator. I say ultimate because lets face it, the Creator made water, something man cannot create. Which is why we shouldn’t take it for granted, it is limited.  Kind of like that rare one of kind masterpiece that should be cherished.

Another thing, I’ve always been a deep thinker, I analyze everything. Maybe I over-think too much sometimes. But honestly, I can’t help it. It’s part of who I am. Pooks; the writer, and the artist.

I just got out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago. I’ve been set free. I’m not about to step back into something where people tell me what to think.  I can think for myself, thank you very much!

So maybe this spiritual journey I’ve been set on is a bit larger than I thought it was. What I seek I will not find in one place, in one book. So it is important to keep my heart and mind open to all beliefs and religions. To be a curious spiritual wanderer. Exploring it all, because maybe one does not have all the answers. Maybe every single one of them has a piece to the puzzle. – Pooksstand

By pooks82

Shining the light on Some Things

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to church.  Even though last week I did give an offering because I thought I was accepted. I thought I could trust. But I am starting to have doubts.  When I first started to attend, the Pastor spoke like we were a rebellion against the system. But then they turn around and advice not to go against the Government. So I see hypocrites and cowards.

On more than one occasion sermons have sounded way too familiar, as if my blogs are being used as something to speak against. Something to mock and ridicule, as if what I post is complete rubbish. I am speaking from my heart, so in a way, that does tend to sting. Perhaps I’m not accepted after all. Accepting me means accepting change.

In the past my Pastor made the thought of God being energy into a joke. I laughed along. Even though I did try to define my Creator as something like that.  Not in the way he put it though. As in ” Oh! I feel energetic now! I have energy!” , or comparing it to a battery.  No God is not a battery. My point has been missed completely.

Has anyone ever seen our Creator? No! Are we so full of ourselves to assume that he/she/ it is a white man? From what I gather, most define him (her, it) as light. Too bright and beautiful to see with human eyes. That the Creator is purity.

I defined it as energy, because how else can you define a spirit? A soul? None of us can actually see it. Yet we all have one. Does the Bible not say we are all made in “his” image? It doesn’t say skin. Skin, our bodies cover and protect like a shell of what we are. This “image” could be our very souls. We do not know what that looks like.

And if he came down from Heaven in the “Form of a human”, then that is not what our Creator really is, and Jesus was just a coat. A shell exterior like the rest of us have. So skin really shouldn’t be a huge issue as it is. Nor should gender. Because our souls, our spirits, are like our Creators. There is no identity without the shell exterior.

I mean, we don’t take our bodies with us when we die. Our bodies remain, and become compost to the earth. So what are we without a body?

Food for thought.

This is just my interpretation of it.

I do feel strongly about Idle No More, I will stand and support it wither it means going against my churches will. Just because it isn’t their will, doesn’t mean it’s not my Creator’s will. I will not dishonor my Creator, I will stand tall and fight for our Earth because it is sacred.

Stephen Harper is not just taking Treaty rights. Yeah, without it, I lose my home. I lose financial support for an education. I lose helpful resources such as the N’Amerind Friendship Centre, At-Losha, and S.O.A.H.A.C. It’s not just about money. It’s about our water, and land.

Remember how I went up north to Trout Lake for a month? It was so beautiful and breath-taking. But now that too will be tampered with. My Aunt, I knew I could always trust her to stand up and fight, she always does for Native rights, and Mother Earth. She’s doing what she can from way up north. There is even a Red Lake Idle No More movement. Which is where I grew up. She is fighting something called  the Trout Lake Hydroelectric Project. Which will turn Trout Lake River and Big Falls into an energy source like Niagara Falls. Not only is Trout Lake home to my biological family, but it is also a tourist attraction just the way it is. If this follows through, it’s not going to be so safe. It will impact the lakes, rivers and the land that surrounds it.

I don’t think people realize how serious this is. Or they don’t educate themselves. More of what is happening in Trout Lake will happen all over Ontario. Canada use to have 2.5 million protected rivers and lakes. Within a day, Canada now only has 82 rivers and lakes that remain protected. Our resources have been sold to China without anyone’s consent. It won’t be long before the land starts getting dug up for water pipes (yeah let’s drain our water and give it to someone else! Ya know? Other Countries always seem to come first before ourselves. Why is that? Canadian Politicians make the rest of us look like a bunch of ass kissers if your cheque is big enough. WTF?! ) or oil pipes. Which will more than likely leak and cause damage. Yeah, umm..whoops! Which I do not even understand why we even still bother with oil considering how many oil spills have occurred in our oceans already. Oil Rigs should be banned from our oceans by now! Seriously! Matter of fact, oil should be banned period! But no, that would be too big of a change. To actually have to get up off your ass and walk, rather than sitting in your vehicles on your ass. Just saying. Oil is not good. It is valued too much by the greedy, that value money, that don’t even consider the well-being of anyone else.

My solution, ban oil and burn the money. Take away what makes the wealthy so wealthy, and bring them down to equality. That would rid poverty. Heaven forbid people would have to work together to thrive. – Pooks

By pooks82

When all his Children Stand Together

I am trying to understand the ignorance. Why would Christians rather choose to ignore Idle No More? Not all Christians. But I have this image in my head stuck on repeat. My Pastor speaking a sermon and saying not to go against the Government. It seems too passive to me. Like I’m expected to sit back and let evil destroy the land. Yet we call ourselves God’s soldiers?!

I don’t believe my Creator would want me to just sit back and watch. I don’t believe that was my Creator speaking through my Pastor. In fact, I believe he was being used as a tool of deception.

What about all this talk about Heaven on Earth? That will never happen if we choose to pretend it’s not our problem, or act as if this is the way it’s meant to be. That seems more like something your Satan would want.

I was reading a Christian book awhile back, it was called “Captivating.” It mentioned how Satan uses people to destroy God’s creations. That he is envious of anything that is beautiful. For example: Destroying nature and life with oil.

And isn’t it outstanding how the whole world believes there is a higher power. No matter where their from on the globe, they believed there is something. Wither it be God, Baha, Buddha, Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, Elohim, The Creator, etc. Pagans believe there is a Goddess. Point is, name doesn’t matter, gender doesn’t matter, we all were aware that there is something greater than ourselves. That’s what matters.

Another thing that is a confusing message, who exactly do you worship? God? Or his “son”?

I think some religions spend so much time loving the middle man (Jesus), and not the source. Wouldn’t that be like loving Robin, and not Batman. Even though Batman is the leader of the two, and get’s stuff done. Robin is just the sidekick, yet he would be getting all the praise. In the book “Captivating” the authors spoke of God’s love. It is heart-breaking to believe that something out there loves you so much, and just wants to be loved in return, yet instead we love “Jesus.” Ouch. That’s got to hurt.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Jesus is great. I am still learning and educating myself. But let’s face it, compared to the Creator (Daddy), he will only be second best.

What’s confusing is that sometimes the Bible intertwines them into one. Sometimes Jesus is the son. Other times, they say God is Jesus. So He’s his own son? Hopefully I’m not the only one confused by all this. But I’m no regular sheep. I’ve always been the black sheep. So I will question everything.

Revelations 11:18 – “The nations were angry; and your wrath has come. The time has come for judging the dead, and for rewarding your servants and prophets and your saints and those who revenge in your name, both small and great – and for destroying those who destroy the earth.”

Does that not signify how sacred the land is? It isn’t meant to be harmed. Which is exactly what Stephen Harper is allowing by selling our natural resources to China. The whole reason Canada was known for being so “rich” was for it’s nature. It won’t be so “rich” when it’s destroyed and poisoned by oil. Reading that Revelation just tells me what I already know. We are meant to protect the land.

Another interesting point, unity is one of my churches goals. But how could they be so blind? It is forming right in front of them. It is Idle No More.

I know what I believe. Our Creator would want all his children to rise and unite, no matter what race, what religion, because we are all one. That is the symbolic beauty of the First Nations medicine wheel.

The Harper Government is risking us all without any of our consents. We all deserve a say. Stephen Harper is a puppet, corrupted by the greed, that evil you cannot see.  He disguises himself as a Christian, but I see past that. I know damn well his actions needs to be stopped.

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Our next generations don’t have a future if we choose to ignore. – Pooks

By pooks82

Chase Money? Or Chase a Dream?

A friend of mine suggested that I go big. Big as in to become an accountant or paralegal, or something. I had mentioned that I was looking into going to University. Now, I’m no good at math at all. I need a calculator handy.  Even then my math skills aren’t so great. I barely have any knowledge regarding the law. Neither of those options interest me. Sure, they would be great financially. I know she just wants to see me succeed, considering I am a young woman that has been through a hell of a lot. I do appreciate that she wants the best for me. But I cannot help but think of how unhappy I would be if I chose to chase money, and not my dreams. I’d rather die knowing that I at least tried and lived to pursue something that I know and love. Rather than die feeling like a slave to money.

I know a multi-media surrealist artist is a pretty big dream. As well as being a published writer/ author.

I can’t help but be reminded of something one of my idols had said at a seminar at Oxford University in England. Corey Taylor (Lead Singer of Slipknot and Stone Sour & Author of Seven Deadly Sins) had advised the students and fans to do what their good at. Do what they know. I will provide a video clip at the end of this post. He is very wise and inspiring.

I had also spoken about going to University with a member of my church. She said; “You’ve got nothing to lose. Everything to gain.”

Which is true. Now that I am no longer a full-time parent, I have the time. The time to achieve these things, or to at least try. To try my best, and work hard. To at least say that I lived my life. Just as the tattoo on my wrist says “Live Life.” When I’m old, I want to be able to look back and say; I did just that. Ya know? I have a chance to offer my children something that perhaps could not have happened otherwise had I returned to an isolated relationship. I always say “Everything happens for a reason.” But as the days go by, the more my passion grows towards art and writing, the more I believe that everything truly does happen for a reason. Especially whenever I try to abandon these gifts to be “realistic”, I am always led back to it.

My ex did say to me last year that he would willingly return the children home, but of coarse there is always a price. He wanted a relationship with me again. Not exactly a cycle I want to repeat. Besides, C.A.S had mentioned that our children had adjusted to their routine. I do not want to disrupt that. As I said many times, I know what my children have already been through. I know that they’ve been through enough. My ex and I had an on and off relationship, so he was always coming and going. He’d either take off to see his boys, or I’d be kicking him out because he was being flat out disrespectful. Then he’d say sorry, and that things would be different. Same story every time, but it always wound up the same. Then he was in jail twice. I bailed him out once. I put him in once. Point is, our children finally have routine and structure wither he likes the responsibility or not. He made that choice to take that responsibility. For the sake of my children, I made that sacrifice to not cause anymore interference. Not that I was an interference. But the unhealthy relationship between my ex and I is that interference. I will back down for the sake of their stability.

Anyway, art and writing have always been a strength of mine for as long as I’ve known. Those are my passions, my natural gifts. Maybe it’s what I’m meant to do.

So as crazy as it seems, I will let my talents lead the way and follow a dream. See where they take me. I truly believe in one form or another, I am meant to leave my mark. Who knows, maybe I will set one hell of an inspiring example for my kids. – Pooks

By pooks82

Forgiving in Silence

So I returned to the New School of Colour yesterday evening, after about a month of absence. I think it was a good idea to back away for awhile. I really do not want any negativity, including my own disrupting that space.

I think it’s safe to say about those issues I had with another member that attends: I can let it all go.

I’m pretty sure I mentioned this before, something an elder taught someone at N’Amerind, that has been passed onto me; “You only hear what your meant to hear.”

So when this person went on babbling about her personal life to a friend. I do not mean that negatively, but I backed off because it’s none of my business. I do not want to be involved with whatever is going on. I already had my experience with an on and off relationship, and it wasn’t pretty. I have no intention of getting involved in that kind of relationship, wither I’m in it, or through another person. I am strong, but not that strong to relive what I already have.

So I just zoned off into my own little world, and started to work on a brick for the new Wishing Wall. The words that rang to me that she said were ” I don’t hold grudges.” and ” I let it go.” That was all I needed to hear, wither it was about someone else or not. It’s the fact that that is her attitude, and I can feel safe. This person isn’t going to threaten or invade my personal space. My guard can go down, and I can carry on. Both of us can carry on and just let it be.

The facilitator has been a great support to both of us. He’s like a big brother checking in on 2 little sisters that got into a sprawl or hissy fit. He’s there just kind of mentoring and making sure everything is okay on all sides. The New School of Colour really is like a family. We do help each-other in a way, more so than just art.

He mentioned that he might look into getting a table set up at the Western Fair in the future, so we could sell some of our art. I don’t think I’ve completed anything in about a year, but I will give it a shot. It’s been difficult to focus. I admit, my mind is all over the place. My kids, C.A.S, court, Merrymount, appointments, counseling, options for  school, prepping myself for part-time work, Idle No More,  sermons from church, am I doing the right thing? , getting back into a routine, cleaning, etc. Just a little glimpse of what goes on in my head. My thoughts are constantly racing. But thankfully, I at least am able to get to sleep at a decent time, and wake up early. That is a positive change. No more staying awake until 6am. I’m not sure what it was, but something triggered my motivation. I am a mother getting closer to reaching that goal of being with her children.  – Pooks

“For your thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declared the Lord. – Isaiah 55:8

By pooks82

Hope = Change

Idle No More: About Those Indians.

I know I’ve been told to not get involved in politics. But when it could effect me, my future, my children’s future, and their children’s future (even though my children are still children, but still, that day may come someday) , something needs to be done. A mass of voices is stronger than one.

I may not know much about my ancestry or heritage, but I do know that it is in my blood to protect the land. To protect the resources, our Creator’s beauty that feeds life to so many things. Which is probably why I feel so strongly about water and tree’s. Without water, everything would become dry and dehydrated. Without tree’s there’s no oxygen. Without either, life cannot flourish.

I am shocked that Stephen Harper would just sign our natural resources off like that. Had he not thought of how his own family would be effected? Or has he been so corrupted by greed he didn’t even consider the risks he’s putting everyone through? Supposedly he’s a Christian. I’ve been going to a Christian church, and I do not believe those actions are at all Christian-like.

Natives, Aboriginals, Indigenous, or First Nation people deserve to be treated as an equal.

I found myself questioning what did Christianity do to my people? But it is not all Christianity, because I believe the church I go to is different. I haven’t been shunned, but accepted. So it’s the religious extremists. When that faith and love turns to hate and remorse. It’s like they lose focus, or everything becomes too literal to the point of being evil.

I think the reason why native elders do not share that part of history, what happened to them in residential schools, is so that the past could be left where it was, and to protect their young from the pain they knew. Problem is, there is still discrimination. So the young are left clueless to why it is so. Past issues reach the surface from time to time because that hate was taught and past on to others.

Idle No More has a tremendous impact. Not only is it uniting separate native tribes and cultures, but it’s uniting other races around the world. Diversity united as one, is a beautiful thing. I’ve witnessed that beauty in a small space at the New School of Colour, but to see that kind of beauty world wide is breathtaking. It is hope. Some people fear hope because it means change.

I hope you take the time to view the link I provided. Idle No More is not something to fear, in fact, it is something to embrace.

Quote Soup on Twitter posted a quote I will share to finalize this blog post of mine.

“Follow your hopes and not your fears.” – Quote Soup @Quote_Soup on Twitter

By pooks82