Ingrained in my Head

I am currently killing time at the moment. I usually wait until around 6am to take my garbage out. That way it’s not out all night, and my garbage bag doesn’t get mangled by stray cats, raccoons, or skunks. So I figured I might as well post another blog post.

I actually made it to a First Nation Housing Co-op meeting. I was nervous, of coarse, surrounded by people I don’t really know. Anyway, we had lunch, and the meeting was held afterward. So basically, I have been in First Nation Housing for 2 years, never been to a meeting, til now, and poof! There I was. Suddenly volunteering to be a part of the board of directors. I did turn some heads by doing so. People were probably thinking, who the fuck is this?! Ya know? I could be completely over my head, or this could be an opportunity to learn and gain new things. The whole point of a co-op is basically a community working together so that we all thrive, so to speak. It’s about time I pitch in. Enough grieving, and groveling. I really should give back to the people that have given me a roof over my head. Express some gratitude.

I may not understand much how things work financially within the co-op. One speaker was talking about it during the meeting, and I couldn’t have felt more lost. I’m not that great at math. I admit, it is not exactly one of my strong points. But, like I said, I have an opportunity to learn something. And for someone, like myself, I love to learn new things, it’s adventurous. It could even help me with my communication skills. Working in a team, possibly gain leadership skills ( Even though I don’t think I’m quite ready for that. The word “Leadership” intimidates me) .  Baby steps, steady as she goes.

Volunteering at The Arts Project has been helping. I usually am a floater for art exhibition shows, but the last two times I was an usher for plays that were being held there. So I kind of had to approach people and talk, it was a part of my job. I still don’t say much. But at least I have the courage to approach people and say “hi”, and smile.  It’s a start.

I’ve always struggled with carrying on conversations. For some reason, they usually come to an awkward halt. I just don’t know what to say. And when I do try to carry on a conversation, honestly, I feel like an idiot asking stupid questions. So yeah, I am usually the one that listens, while the other person babbles. It’s what I’m used to, not necessarily speaking. There’s a part of me that thinks no one cares what I have to say anyway. My thoughts and opinions are not valued. So be silent. But that is the abuse talking. It has been hard for me to break away from that, it’s ingrained in my head.

It is probably the reason why I normally back away from “Leadership” roles. I think I’m not capable for such a thing. I’m too dumb. Not surprising since my supposed mom treated me like I was stupid. She belittled me like I was stupid. You hear it enough, or get treated that way long enough it will sink in to a point where you’ll believe it.

I know I’m not that much of an idiot as she thinks I am, but I do still doubt myself. Even after high-school, proving to myself by getting mad at the student councilor, telling her to fuck off and let me do my thing! I passed my courses on my own. I even graduated from high-school, with awards for Art, English, and Ojibwe. I surprised the hell out of my dad and my eldest brother. But of coarse, my supposed mom, didn’t seem so thrilled at all.

Anyway, I tried my best not to make this blog about abuse, but it went that way. I had a lot of it in my life, so there is a lot to deal with. Things my counselor will eventually hear about soon enough. It’s an ongoing fear that holds me back from so many things. It’s like getting my foot stuck in the mud. Things that haunt me, within my own head that only I can conquer. At least, I am putting it into action, and am trying new things that will hopefully change the way I was trained to think. As in rid those thoughts for good.

Besides all that, I volunteered myself to be a part of a new movement; People vs Greed. It couldn’t be anymore perfect for me, considering how many times I’ve ranted and raved about my dislike of money, and the system built around it.  I like this new movement, it kind of connects it all together, Occupy, Idle No More, #Revolution. I wrote a poem about it awhile back, I’ll share with you. It’s kind of my Idle No More, People vs Greed, anti- religion poem. So, if you are of easily offended, I suggest, you do not read it. But then again, if I haven’t offended you yet, I will at some point. After-all, I am an artist, and my job is to push those barriers. Shock the world, in one form or another, as one might say. Enjoy! 🙂 – Pooks


The Invisible Walls of a Skeptic

I keep to myself mostly these days. Although, the feedback from my Leads worker that she got from my volunteer placement is that I need to try to be more social. It is a bit challenging for an introvert, especially one who basically put her invisible walls back up.

I don’t trust people. I always seem to run into people with abusive traits. Until I deal with my own shit, I am not going to be able to handle their shit.  That, or, when socializing with other women, there always seems to be this ridiculous competitiveness, or jealousy at play. I am not interested in that.

Sometimes when I actually go out into the world, I get hit on like a chunk of meat by men. They make it more than obvious that sex is what they are after, and that is definitely a quick way to get a rejection. I find it repulsive. I don’t want my body and flesh to be what draws a man in. What I do is what should be attractive. My own passions, such as my love for writing and art, should be what draws the right kind of man in. Not my face, or body. Those will grow old in time. Plus, I already know what happens when a relationship is based on lust. It comes to an end at some point or another, and you find yourself questioning, what the hell do you have in common with this person?! Anything? There isn’t anything you can talk about and share in that sort of sense. I know there’s got to be some differences in a couple, but there also needs to be at least some common ground.

Anyway, I was invited to attend the New School of Colour, at The Ark Aid Street Mission because a participants birthday is coming up. But I honestly don’t feel like I’m a part of that crowd anymore. I am an outcast. I’m not going to go somewhere where I’ll feel unwanted. Sure I was invited, but I don’t want to make this persons birthday uncomfortable, let alone anyone else by making a presence. So I won’t be going. The person I had a fallout with, does  have abusive traits. She hovers around the crowd possessively. She made an appearance at MSP, and hovered around someone I used to call a best-friend. But I guess that’s her “best-friend” now. She wants to be territorial, that’s fine. I’m not going to fight. I am just going to move on.

Although I will have to go to that location at some point to pick up my art. Because they are rightfully mine, and do not belong to the New School of Colour, or the Ark Aid Street Mission. I’ll probably do that when the facilitator returns from his vacation in July sometime.

So yes, I am a bit of a loner right now, but not entirely.  Obviously my communication skills still need work, in order to maintain any friendships. A lot of friends just come and go through the years. I’m not very good at this socializing thing, I just started to come out of my shell when I went to the New School of Colour. And well, I don’t really know how to deal with difficult people. I get scared to be assertive. Why? A long history of abuse. Every time I spoke up for myself, I was told to shut up, or I would get rudely cut off while I’m speaking by the other person raising their voice louder than mine. There were times, I was slapped, even punched for speaking and having a different opinion. I’ve been strangled twice for trying to be assertive. It always turns out ugly. The only way I know how to keep myself safe is isolation. I only go out when I absolutely need to.

As a child in school in elementary school, I was the awkward loner. My best-friend was my sister. In high-school, I did have a small group of friends, but reached a point where I felt like I didn’t quite fit in. So I hung out with my sister and her friends. After school I would be in my room, either with my sister, or alone. In college I made about 3-4 friends, but I didn’t keep in touch. I don’t stay in touch with people very well, I just tend  to wander until the next group comes along, and that repeats. There are only a couple that I have managed to hold onto through the years, older women almost twice my age. But then again, I have never really had any drama with them. They’re not interested in drama, just like myself, it’s probably why I get along with them so well. There isn’t any.

Although, things may change if all goes smoothly and I start school in the fall. It does sound like my communication skills could improve by going to University. Plus, I’m going to S.O.A.H.A.C for counseling. It does sound promising, if I can stick with it. I am nervous because we will be doing assertive exercises. I am afraid of using my own voice. But I can’t count on art and writing all the time. There will come times when I will need to use it. Take a job for example, I’ve been job searching for a sales, or customer service positions. I need to be able to interact with all sorts of people.

My Leads worker said that’s what volunteer placements are good for, practice.

So once again, I am going to have to try to tear down this invisible wall I built for myself. Shutting the world out. But I’m not necessarily doing it alone, I do have the support.

In the meantime, I am that quiet, mysterious person keeping to myself, with my head in a book, or writing poetry, or writing a blog post, or creating art. Being alone allows me to be as creative and expressive all I want. – Pooks

“Introverts paradoxically pull away from culture and create culture.”- Laurie Helgoe

Altering the World Around me

How to Stop Procrastinating and Overcome Laziness in 4 Easy Steps.

Above is link that I think could be helpful to a lot of people, including myself.
I struggle with motivation, obviously. I have spent hours in bed, not wanting to budge. Just sleeping it all away.
But since I am preparing myself for University, I do have something to aim towards. Even if joint custody isn’t a for sure thing, I over heard in one of the psychology tutorials I listen to while I sleep, that in order to be successful; you need to have the space that allows you to work. So I started cleaning my house. I started off with my bedroom, since it is the room I am in most of the time. Already, I am starting to feel less cluttered, and less suffocated.
I did get a bit angry with a friend, because it seems like she is only contacting me when she wants to clean her house. I’ve run into the same issue with her sister. I am not a house maid. Ya know? The way I see it. If I can find the motivation, so can she.
Her excuse is that she gets depressed looking at it, or that her back and knee’s get sore. HELLO!! I have depression and anxiety issues myself, as well as rheumatoid arthritis. Do you hear me using those as excuses? No! The issue here is laziness, I’m not going to enable it any farther. I am doing what needs to be done on my own, and I am enjoying the accomplishments as I go along.
I may even take advice from the blog post I shared above for other tasks I have been procrastinating to do. Baby steps. Slowly but surely, altering the world around me. – Pooks

“Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time, who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing.” – Thomas Jefferson

Mommy’s Little Helper turns 8

I am hoping my son had a good birthday today. Hard to believe he’s 8 years old, I can still picture him as a baby.

Lucky for him, the weather was gorgeous during the day. Hopefully he got some time outdoors, it was an awesome day to enjoy it.

I had an appointment at the Student Success Centre today, but didn’t make it there. I forgot today was a holiday, and that the buses are running on a holiday schedule. So what would have taken me half an hour normally, ended up taking an hour and a half just to get to my destination today. My appointment was for 10:30pm. I was at the first bus stop around 9:50am, and didn’t get to the University until 11:30am.

Anyway, I  enjoyed the weather today. I went for a long. From UWO, to Gibbons Park, to Wharncliffe Rd, to Albert Street, to Downtown. From there I caught a bus. But I did enjoy the walk immensely.

I met a Latin man, that expressed interest in me, but unfortunately that feeling is not mutual. So he tried to say he just wants to be friends. But it’s kind of too late to say that, especially after saying something like: Latins and Ojibwe’s make beautiful babies.  Ummm… no. I cannot picture it, nor am I looking for a serious relationship right now.  I have a lot on my plate as is.

Anyway, this is just a short little update, I mostly just wanted to share the fact that it is my son’s birthday today! He is in my thoughts.  No matter what, I love him. Nothing can change that, not even his grumpiness.  – Pooks

180850_134981399901879_1387884_nNote: WordPress decided to malfunction on me. So I have been forced to change the layout.

– Pooks

Offering becomes Taking

Offerings, I don’t get it. You give your priest and pastors your money so they can read a book that you can read on your own. You basically give them a free ticket to freeload off your earnings.  So that they don’t have to do any labor once so ever.

If money was really an offering to “God”, then they would burn it. Such as Natives burn tobacco to give thanks to the Creator.

You are basically paying for their services. Even though their services should be free to the people, and they shouldn’t be asking for your money. Yet they do so anyway. Not very “Christ-like” if you ask me. I believe “Jesus” wasn’t paid a cent for anything he shared.

The Churches, the Government, are like the Roman Empire. What Jesus would have rebelled against. He was basically an activist back in his day.

As for the Bible, I disregard and do not trust a word written in it. It’s been around for so long. Past through the generations and centuries. Who knows how many times it’s content has been tampered with?! It sounds like a sexist got their hands on it, a racist got their hands on it, etc, and they all modified it through the years. Matter of fact, the Bible may even be plagiarized from the Egyptians. Jesus is in fact very similar to the “myths” of Horus.  Horus was a God 3000+years before the formation of Christianity. Before the Bible. So your Jesus may actually have a different name, and he may not be a white man after all! Oh my God! So, if Horus is to be considered a “myth” and not real, than Jesus should be considered a “myth” and unreal as well.  Just saying.

Ya know? It’s typical. They ripped off the Egyptians beliefs and turned into something that is more to their likings. Just as they ripped Pagans off of the Easter Holiday. Pagans celebrated the Spring Equinox by having a feast and festival in honor of Oestre, the Dawn Goddess. The rise of their Goddess…which is now supposedly when Jesus rose from the dead.  “The rising of Christ”. Before Christians claimed the holiday, it was called Ostara or Oestre. A word where Easter originated from.

As for Egyptian mythology, I’ve always found it fascinating. I’ll respect their “myths” over the book designed so that you do not think for yourself. It seems like all the Bible has done is create more hate in this world. Unnecessary hate for that matter. It doesn’t bring people together, it tears them apart.

I find myself more curious about the tales and myths Christians tried to burn in fires. Thanks to the book that I am reading; Women who run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola, it has got me asking questions. The book is a gathering of old tales and myths, that were meant to be forgotten, but she managed to put what she can back together. I admire that. By doing so, she is saving a part of peoples culture. wither it be Egyptian, Mexican, etc.

Valuable lessons can be learned through a story or myth, that was their purpose. But since Christianity is so anal about being the dominant religion, many of those stories were destroyed.

Natives use to sit around a fire and tell stories, theirs were from the word of mouth. It was the Elders that would do the story telling, to teach the younger generations valuable morals to live by. Stories and myths don’t necessarily have to be true, it was the message behind it that matters. I remember reading some Ojibwe myths, there were talking animals, even a boy that turned into corn. I think that was one of my favorites. But each had a moral to the story, bullying, lying etc, all have a consequence. – Pooks

“Myth must be kept alive. The people who can keep it alive are the artists of one kind or another.” – Joseph Campbell

“Myths are stories that express meaning, morality or motivation. Whether they are true or not is irrelevant.” – Michael Shermer

There is No Other Choice

My son was angry at me during our last visit. I know I arrived late, I got held up at the convenient store getting my children snacks. Wither or not that was what made him angry, I don’t know. Something could have happened prior to our visit at his home that I don’t know about. He had a poor attitude during the whole visit, and was being difficult. He refused to listen, he was being disrespectful. He was teasing his sister and putting her down. I almost cried. I can’t stand it when my son treats me like crap, let alone anyone else. Time out’s weren’t working, so I decided to alter my attention elsewhere. I don’t reward disrespect with attention. So as much as it sucked, I let him go off and play by himself. I hate having to give the silent treatment. But I do not reward that kind of behavior.

So that visit didn’t go so well. I did my best to not take it personally.

I hope the next visit turns out better. There won’t be any snacks, just water.

During one visit, my son said that he calls one of his friends a “midget”. I told him that that is not a very nice word. That that is name calling, and for all he knows, he could be hurting his friends feelings for being “different.” I tried to explain that for all he knows his friend could hit a growth spurt one day, and become taller than him. Also, that there are things that short people can do that a tall person cannot do and vice -versa. We all have our own advantages. I’m not sure how well he listened to me, I think he just toned me out for awhile. But as you can see, I do not support bullying or name calling.

So I’ve been brain storming a gift I can make for the kids. Of coarse I have to wait until I have the money to get the supplies, but the idea is there. I could advise to “say nice things” all I want. But is my message getting through? So I had to think, how do I get my message out? I do so with writing and art. So the idea is to decorate little wooden boxes, one for each of my children, which will say “Give a Compliment” on it. Inside will be little slips of paper, kind of like what you find in a fortune cookie, but each will have a sentence on it giving praise. If all goes as planned, they can take a little slip out of that box, give it to a friend or whoever and make their day. Even though it is just a little slip of paper, the message it gives will mean a lot.

Considering his dad is a bully, the name calling, the power tripping, I shouldn’t be so surprised that my son is learning his behavior. But as I said in a previous blog, just because I’m not there with my children on a regular basis, doesn’t mean I cannot make a difference.

Anyway, I have a good feeling about my current counselor. Not only is she being realistic, that she cannot fix whatever issues within 3 weeks unlike other counselors. Luckily, there is no time limit, and she’s reassured me that we will take things at my pace. Since I have a long history of being abused, she wants to go as far back as I could remember. No other counselor has done that, it was always about current issues. We also plan to work on my assertiveness, the fear I have of it. She wants to give me my voice back. And since my ex continues to be difficult, not agreeing to joint custody, she suspects that he will continue to be difficult for awhile,   so she wants to alter my focus onto me and building myself up. So focus on school and whatnot.

Now that I mention it, after my appointment at the Student Success Centre, I realized just how much I can change my life. I was looking at my options. The worker I have there likes the way I think. My plan to learn the skills I need for a career, that can support and invest in what I love, art. So art won’t be my main focus for my education. But I can take it the first year, it is an option. Other things I have considered was Philosophy, I could get a Ph.D. If I go the route of Sociology, that could open doors to Criminology. My options seem endless. And as I’ve heard from support workers and students, where I begin might not be where I end up. I could wander and explore an entirely different route. So I think it’s important to keep an open mind. Especially during my first year.

One worker said she can picture me looking up at the stars, as in getting into Astrology. Another worker said I could probably travel around the world if I combine Art and Sociology somehow.

Anyway, I guess I just seriously realized that if I play my cards right, I could change my life incredibly. Of coarse, I will need to adjust to the change and break some habits. Such as sleep. Which I am developing a different sleep routine. I drink more water, I read, and when I’m ready to call it a night, I listen to psychology tutorials while I sleep. Am I learning anything while I sleep? Maybe, maybe not.

Although I did discover that what my ex and I had  is considered “empty love”. There was commitment, for the kids sake, but the intimacy (as in sharing the things you wouldn’t share with just anyone) , and passion (the sex drive)  were gone. It’s usually how arranged marriages start, and how a lot of relationships end.

I know I express a lot of anger towards my ex.  Even though I do hope that one day all this venting will help me forgive. And when I do, no it doesn’t mean I want to be buddy-buddy with him. It’ll just means I let go of the grudge. I’m not that much of an idiot to go trusting him again.

But I guess I need to forgive myself for making a bad choice like a blind fool.  I am probably more angry at myself about it all.  Letting him into my home when he had a restraining order, after he had assaulted me. That was probably my biggest mistake. He even told me he hasn’t changed after those anger management classes he had to take .  It was dumb of me to think that he would eventually. I was being ignorant. I was in denial. Yeah, I am pretty angry with myself to ever believe he could be better.

I guess his hooker girlfriend years ago was right. She said that I am out of his league. Too good for him. But as that dorky little girl, I was curious about a bad boy. At least now I know, THAT is not what I want anymore.

As for whatever happens with court, joint custody or not. I can only go forward. There is no other choice. – Pooks

“Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew.”- Lauren DeStefano

Through the Dark

I have been trying real hard to get through this last wave of depression. I’ve never even put much thought into what I would do if I didn’t get joint custody as I had hoped. After much thought, and sleep, I realize that no matter what happens, I need to somehow turn a negative into a positive. I’ve done it before. There is no reason why I cannot do it again. Wither I get joint custody or not, I need to figure out how to make my life the best I can possibly make it, for the remainder of it.

At least I can admit honestly that I do have depression and anxiety issues. Sometimes my anxiety can go to the extent of actually having physical side effects, nausea, vomiting, a tight feeling in chest and throat, like your going to cry and you can’t get the words out.  If I’m not trying to sleep my reality away, I seek distractions. So I guess that can be considered “unstable”, but I think that would be common for a survivor of abuse to experience these  after effects. I experienced trauma. And yes, I’m a hurt and angry mother that misses her children. In my mind, I think these things will go away if my children return home. But realistically, it’s not that easy. So maybe I’m not exactly “perfect” , or “ideal” yet, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love my children. C.A.S said I wasn’t there. Yeah, well neither was ex when I needed him to be. He was off drinking and getting high with his boys when I did have the children in my care. I was absent for a month, and another month for a family reunion. But the first gap of absence, I was devastated. I needed to mourn. Plus I had just moved, I needed to settle in. I was “nesting” so to speak, building my new home.

I know organization and routines aren’t my strengths. There was a time I used to be good with appointments and stuff, but considering all responsibility was on me, without any help, I got drained. Disrespect from my ex didn’t help. The lack of appreciation. I gave up. I lost the motivation.

Now, since it’s just me in this house, I clean the odd time. When I have energy to do so. It’s just me here, I think it would be worth keeping tidy if our children could visit. Maybe then, I’d actually want to keep the place clean. But since I have no guarantee, I don’t even bother.  Although I do keep up on laundry and personal hygiene.

I have been honest with my support workers, and these are weaknesses we aim for me to overcome. It’s not like I’m not working on it.

Heck, my one worker gives me homework. My last assignment was to record my sleeping schedule, and to cut back on coffee at night. I think I am doing well with that. I only had 2 coffee’s today, and I find myself wanting to drink water more often.

I am hoping that counseling works out for me this time around, and that I don’t run for the hills as soon as it gets too hard. Or as soon as it starts to hurt. I feel like I’ve been through enough pain, and when I have to face it, the pain can get unbearable. But if I keep running, my issues will never be resolved.  So yeah, I am going to try to tough it out this time around. Hope for the best. I want to move forward.

It is a hard pill to swallow. I ranted with rage through writing, and poetry venting my pain. Pointing the finger in every direction possible. But maybe it’s true. Maybe I’m not quite ready yet, and I should be patient. Take things slowly and gradually. Things may change in the future.

Still, I would feel more secure if the plans I’ve spoken out with my lawyer and C.A.S were written on paper. It wasn’t included on the court documents. Without it, my ex could take full advantage of that, and that puts me in a not so safe position.

He’s already hurt me physically before, so he is more than capable to do it again. I’d rather be safe, than sorry.

On Twitter, one of the people I follow tweeted the following; “Often, out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction.” I responded with: “I hope you’re right.” I seem to always manage to hold onto a thread of hope. I’m glad I do, as much as it pains me sometimes. Even though I still don’t know what will happen if I don’t get joint custody, either way, great things wait for me. – Pooks

“Suffering teaches joy.” – Sonia Rumzi

Just Give Up, You Already Lost

Once again, I wasn’t quite sure what to write about. Since court, I have been doing a lot thinking, more or less trying to cope with the idea that everything I am working so hard far could very well be swept from beneath my feet. That possibility of not getting joint custody.

I haven’t been trying to hold onto a 3 BEDROOM HOUSE for nothing! Yes, an actual house, with a backyard that I will hopefully be able to tend some maintenance to once I can afford what I need in order to do so. Such as a lawn mover. I was thinking one of those push mower things. Not gas, not electric. Plus there’s this cord that sticks out in my yard, I’m not sure if it’s live or not, but yeah. If it is, I would not want to run over the dang thing and go electrocuting myself.

Anyway, I have been holding onto this 3 bedroom house for 2 years now. It’s not like the kids wouldn’t have their own rooms. It’s a HOUSE on a fairly quiet side street. Unlike my ex, who is in a townhouse in a ghetto.  If I were given weekends, I could give them that freedom temporarily out of that environment.

What else? Counseling. I did my intake at S.O.A.H.A.C and my worker wants to get right to the source, as well as confront my anxiety issues that occur every time I need to be assertive. Maybe once I deal with that, the day HE GRABBED ME BY THE FUCKIN THROAT!! I might be able to communicate with my ex. Although, knowing him, he’ll just continue to be an asshole.

I don’t see why my ex cannot at least give me that much, just weekends. I never would have sunk to this level of jack assery if things were the other way around. We made a promise to each-other that we would never do what he has done to me. Take the kids away from one or the other. Yeah, he had some time away in jail, that was his own doing. As for the promise, he broke that. But what else can I expect from a compulsive liar? His lies just don’t end. But I guess the difference between him and I,  I have a heart. Maybe he doesn’t anymore. Hasn’t for a long time.

He’s a complete fool, because I would have done ANYTHING for him, obviously.  I lied to C.A.S for him, because I thought I was protecting my family. But no, the real danger was him all along. A deceitful prick that may have succeeded on kissing C.A.S’ ass.

Which is another thing…How the fuck did he go from being  a borderline schizophrenic to suddenly being perfectly sane and not considered a risk at all?! I think he had a bullshitting doctor that will just say anything my ex wants him to. I say “had”, because I guess he is no longer a doctor anymore (Hmm…I wonder why?) , and has gotten into the line of work of plastic surgery. That’s the last I heard. And considering the amount of fear C.A.S has put me through when he was supposedly a schizophrenic.  They fucked with my head. They’re not innocent either! Then they turn around and say; “Oops. Sorry. He’s not a risk anymore.” Those were dark times for me. Before this “apology”. On one side I had C.A.S creating fear within me of my ex being a schizophrenic. Telling me to get the hell away from him. On the the other side, my ex saying he was the only one that cared for me, he was the only one there, and everybody else is just trying to tear our family apart. I was in a web of fear.

I don’t know what to believe anymore. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all lies and he’s still a risk. Especially after threatening my life just because I told him to go to his brothers to cool off for disrespecting me…AGAIN! He did it often. He thought I was kicking him out for good. Which is just typical, he thinks the whole freakin world is out to get him. As I said before, I tried so hard to win his trust, never got it. I even bailed him out of jail once. But after grabbing my throat the way he did, I put him back in. It was his father bailed him out that time.

As far as I’m concerned, my ex doesn’t want a girlfriend or a wife, he wants a slave.

As for C.A.S, I think C.A.S is no different than residential schools. Place the children in the abusers home, he’s Caucasian. Let’s not even acknowledge the fact of his violence.  The ideal is conversion. I noticed that change in their attitude as soon as I mentioned I was going to church. Why the hell should it matter what faith I believe in?! That doesn’t determine wither I’m a good parent, or a risk for that matter. Oh that’s right, your bible says to destroy every other faith and belief, and anyone who believes in any other god but yours.

The church, the Government, C.A.S, they’re all connected, and they’re all corrupt if you ask me. It’s an old out dated system that obviously doesn’t work. Maybe it’s time to put the bible down,  and take a real good look at the world around you.

London is a racist city. Fuck! I first noticed it when I went to college. I got treated rather poorly compared to other students. Me and an Asian girl got picked on. All the other students in our class were white. People make it hard for natives to live an urban lifestyle, rather than on a reserve.

As far as my case goes, the only one I trust is my lawyer. He not only listens to what I have to say,  he believes. Not just because he’s paid to. He’s been a real support.

I know I lied to C.A.S in the past, for my exes sake. Stupid me for thinking he was worth it. But I admitted it. It was a dumb mistake. I should have never let him back into my home after that violent offense. It cost me my children. So even though I messed up pretty damn bad, I might not ever get them back. I hope what I learned reaches other mothers experiencing a domestic violence, learn from my mistake. Especially if your native, and dealing with C.A.S.

Years ago, when I use to go to N’amerind, we had a moment of silence for a young mother that killed herself. I didn’t understand at the time. But now I do. She couldn’t handle everything C.A.S , and society in general,  had put her through. It’s hard. But no matter what happens, I will do my best to stay strong. My children need me alive, not dead. Wither I am in their lives or not, I know I can make an impact, near or far.

Discrimination does get kind of depressing after awhile, it’s no wonder so many natives turn to alcohol, or other substances.

I refuse to. I hope to be one in a million that stands strong, that changes everything.

C.A.S are favoring my ex. It’s an unfair case. Yes, he may be doing well under supervision, only because all eyes are on him. But still, I’ve busted my ass in the past to meet their recommendations as well, and that has been completely disregarded. Heck! These days, applying for school, Leads, counseling, it’s all for my children.  It’s like it doesn’t even matter.  There is no reason why I cannot have joint custody. I went to numerous parenting classes, repeated some even, and my ex goes to one dinky class and he thinks he knows all. How is that fair? Why isn’t he being pushed through as many hoops as I’ve been? It makes no sense to me. I know I’m a good mom. My children know I’m a good mom. I have more freedom to be myself without my exes presence, and I’m a lot happier without him.  Sure I get waves of depression now and then. But I would think that is considerately normal for a mother that has been waiting a long freakin time for her children to return home.

I know, C.A.S wants to close the file. But if it’s not one barrier, it’s the next.

I remember the day my ex had this stupid smug look on his face and said; “Just give up, you already lost.” He knew I would struggle with a discriminating system all along, but what he underestimates is my will to overcome it all. – Pooks

“Until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned…Everything is war.” – Bob Marley