I am currently killing time at the moment. I usually wait until around 6am to take my garbage out. That way it’s not out all night, and my garbage bag doesn’t get mangled by stray cats, raccoons, or skunks. So I figured I might as well post another blog post.
I actually made it to a First Nation Housing Co-op meeting. I was nervous, of coarse, surrounded by people I don’t really know. Anyway, we had lunch, and the meeting was held afterward. So basically, I have been in First Nation Housing for 2 years, never been to a meeting, til now, and poof! There I was. Suddenly volunteering to be a part of the board of directors. I did turn some heads by doing so. People were probably thinking, who the fuck is this?! Ya know? I could be completely over my head, or this could be an opportunity to learn and gain new things. The whole point of a co-op is basically a community working together so that we all thrive, so to speak. It’s about time I pitch in. Enough grieving, and groveling. I really should give back to the people that have given me a roof over my head. Express some gratitude.
I may not understand much how things work financially within the co-op. One speaker was talking about it during the meeting, and I couldn’t have felt more lost. I’m not that great at math. I admit, it is not exactly one of my strong points. But, like I said, I have an opportunity to learn something. And for someone, like myself, I love to learn new things, it’s adventurous. It could even help me with my communication skills. Working in a team, possibly gain leadership skills ( Even though I don’t think I’m quite ready for that. The word “Leadership” intimidates me) . Baby steps, steady as she goes.
Volunteering at The Arts Project has been helping. I usually am a floater for art exhibition shows, but the last two times I was an usher for plays that were being held there. So I kind of had to approach people and talk, it was a part of my job. I still don’t say much. But at least I have the courage to approach people and say “hi”, and smile. It’s a start.
I’ve always struggled with carrying on conversations. For some reason, they usually come to an awkward halt. I just don’t know what to say. And when I do try to carry on a conversation, honestly, I feel like an idiot asking stupid questions. So yeah, I am usually the one that listens, while the other person babbles. It’s what I’m used to, not necessarily speaking. There’s a part of me that thinks no one cares what I have to say anyway. My thoughts and opinions are not valued. So be silent. But that is the abuse talking. It has been hard for me to break away from that, it’s ingrained in my head.
It is probably the reason why I normally back away from “Leadership” roles. I think I’m not capable for such a thing. I’m too dumb. Not surprising since my supposed mom treated me like I was stupid. She belittled me like I was stupid. You hear it enough, or get treated that way long enough it will sink in to a point where you’ll believe it.
I know I’m not that much of an idiot as she thinks I am, but I do still doubt myself. Even after high-school, proving to myself by getting mad at the student councilor, telling her to fuck off and let me do my thing! I passed my courses on my own. I even graduated from high-school, with awards for Art, English, and Ojibwe. I surprised the hell out of my dad and my eldest brother. But of coarse, my supposed mom, didn’t seem so thrilled at all.
Anyway, I tried my best not to make this blog about abuse, but it went that way. I had a lot of it in my life, so there is a lot to deal with. Things my counselor will eventually hear about soon enough. It’s an ongoing fear that holds me back from so many things. It’s like getting my foot stuck in the mud. Things that haunt me, within my own head that only I can conquer. At least, I am putting it into action, and am trying new things that will hopefully change the way I was trained to think. As in rid those thoughts for good.
Besides all that, I volunteered myself to be a part of a new movement; People vs Greed. It couldn’t be anymore perfect for me, considering how many times I’ve ranted and raved about my dislike of money, and the system built around it. I like this new movement, it kind of connects it all together, Occupy, Idle No More, #Revolution. I wrote a poem about it awhile back, I’ll share with you. It’s kind of my Idle No More, People vs Greed, anti- religion poem. So, if you are of easily offended, I suggest, you do not read it. But then again, if I haven’t offended you yet, I will at some point. After-all, I am an artist, and my job is to push those barriers. Shock the world, in one form or another, as one might say. Enjoy! 🙂 – Pooks