Well, I am happy to say that I have one less thing to worry about. I finally was able to fax, and e-mail, my application form ( as well as other required documents) to the Northern Nishnawbe Education Council. So I am moving forward.
I still need to book an appointment with Financial Aid at the University, so they could assist me with applying for the Ontario Student Assistant Program. Which is my back up plan, in case I don’t get financial assistance from NNEC. Apparently they are currently all booked for the week, they said it’s best to book an appointment online Monday morning. They don’t book appointments over the phone. This Monday has already passed, obviously. Next Monday is a holiday. So I will have to wait for the week after.
I tried to register myself, but that didn’t go so well. I barely understand what the heck it is that I am doing. So clearly, I need some help with that. But that’s what Financial Aid is there for. Thank goodness!
Although, I did manage to sign myself up for an orientation and a campus tour. So yeah, that’s exciting.
I got a surprise phone call from my sister last Sunday. It was awesome to hear her voice and her laugh. She even offered to help me out with sociology if I need it. She took sociology at Fanshawe College, and did well in that class. I didn’t know that. I remember her taking psychology. But yeah, that’s awesome. More support. Although she’s due to have a baby a month after I start school, and I imagine her newborn will keep her busy. I’ve been there, being a momma myself. Still, the offer is there, the support is there. I am grateful.
I see my children weekly. The visits are going good. I did talk to a C.A.S worker briefly, and she too doesn’t understand why my ex won’t just agree to joint custody. It’s just weekends.
I do, it’s a control thing. That’s what abusers do. He’s sunk to the level of using our children as leverage, or to just use them as a way to hurt me by denying me my parental rights. Maybe he thinks I can’t move forward if he has them. But, I am going to move on anyway. Hence, going to school and whatnot. Why? He has no control over me. Simple as that.
I’ve been on a Labyrinth craze lately. I even painted Jareth. I just love that line; “You have no power over me.” It strikes a cord.
At my last counseling appointment, my counselor said that I RESPECT myself enough to cut these kind of people out of my life. I never really thought of it that way. I saw it as a more of a survival thing. Perhaps it’s true. I am valuing myself more. Valuing myself more just means that I am loving myself more. That’s good. Maybe that is why I actually feel motivated to get things done. Rather than sleeping the day away, and feeling like a dying corpse in my bed. I feel I am worth it, and I deserve it. Maybe I am finally starting to actually believe in myself. It’s also the thought that I believe that something better is waiting for me.
I don’t really feel as angry about it these days. Just my ex’s name use to piss me off. But, perhaps, all this sharing has been helping. Wither it be through art, my blog, poetry, or counseling. I needed the truth out there. Maybe that’s why he won’t give me joint custody. He’s infuriated by the fact that I shared so much. But honestly, I think abuse is not a topic that should be kept silent. By sharing, I have helped myself out of a dark isolated place. It’s almost like the truth has built a wall of security. The more people that are aware of what’s been going on, the better.
I am guilty of hushing someone else though. So I am in fact a hypocrite for doing so. But at least I can realize these things, and admit my mistakes honestly. She was in the denial and self blaming phase. You cannot help someone in that state until they snap out of it, and believe they deserve better than that. Such as the time my sister, and an old high-school friend were wondering what the heck I was doing letting by ex back into my life, after assaulting me. I hadn’t snapped out of it yet. Sadly, it had to take my kids being taken away for me to wake up. They tried to warn me, but my state of mind was set as if it were “me and my ex against the world“. Ya know? I was convinced that everybody else was just trying to sabotage us. Including all these support workers. I trusted no one. It isolated me. Anyway, about this person I hushed, I fucked off. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but we all gotta learn on our own I guess. It’s not my life to sort out, it’s hers. Her issues were becoming a mental distraction. Plus, until she figures out she has no control over anyone else, she will keep repeating the same thing. Even with friendships, she’s got all these rules of what a best-friend or boyfriend “should” do in her head. No, I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to. So I did what’s best for me, I let her go. Trying to silence her because it reminded me of my past, I regret. She has every right to share, just as much as I do. But letting her go, I don’t regret that at all. Once again, it just means I respect myself more than that. I’m done with abuse in my life.
So yeah, I have numerous healthy forms to get it all out of my system. I don’t need to raise my voice, threaten, power-trip, or get violent, unlike some people I know. Creativity does have it’s benefits. I’ve had many workers say and give me praise for having healthier ways to cope with my emotions. I think that’s something to be proud of. It gives me hope that I am capable of breaking this cycle.
So yeah, I’m not that angry as I was before, just tired of my ex’s nonsense. I want to move on, and I will. – Pooks
“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”- Paulo Coelho