And I Will

Well, I am happy to say that I have one less thing to worry about. I finally was able to fax, and e-mail, my application form ( as well as other required documents) to the Northern Nishnawbe Education Council. So I am moving forward.

I still need to book an appointment with Financial Aid at the University, so they could assist me with applying for the Ontario Student Assistant Program. Which is my back up plan, in case I don’t get financial assistance from NNEC. Apparently they are currently all booked for the week, they said it’s best to book an appointment online Monday morning. They don’t book appointments over the phone. This Monday has already passed, obviously. Next Monday is a holiday. So I will have to wait for the week after.

I tried to register myself, but that didn’t go so well. I barely understand what the heck it is that I am doing. So clearly, I need some help with that. But that’s what Financial Aid is there for. Thank goodness!

Although, I did manage to sign myself up for an orientation and a campus tour. So yeah, that’s exciting.

I got a surprise phone call from my sister last Sunday. It was awesome to hear her voice and her laugh. She even offered to help me out with sociology if I need it. She took sociology at Fanshawe College, and did well in that class. I didn’t know that. I remember her taking psychology. But yeah, that’s awesome. More support. Although she’s due to have a baby a month after I start school, and I imagine her newborn will keep her busy. I’ve been there, being a momma myself. Still, the offer is there, the support is there. I am grateful.

I see my children weekly. The visits are going good. I did talk to a C.A.S worker briefly, and she too doesn’t understand why my ex won’t just agree to joint custody. It’s just weekends.

I do, it’s a control thing. That’s what abusers do. He’s sunk to the level of using our children as leverage, or to just use them as a way to hurt me by denying me my parental rights. Maybe he thinks I can’t move forward if he has them. But, I am going to move on anyway. Hence, going to school and whatnot. Why? He has no control over me. Simple as that.

I’ve been on a Labyrinth craze lately. I even painted Jareth. I just love that line; “You have no power over me.” It strikes a cord.

At my last counseling appointment, my counselor said that I RESPECT myself enough to cut these kind of people out of my life. I never really thought of it that way. I saw it as a more of a survival thing. Perhaps it’s true. I am valuing myself more. Valuing myself more just means that I am loving myself more. That’s good. Maybe that is why I actually feel motivated to get things done. Rather than sleeping the day away, and feeling like a dying corpse in my bed. I feel I am worth it, and I deserve it. Maybe I am finally starting to actually believe in myself. It’s also the thought that I believe that something better is waiting for me.

I don’t really feel as angry about it these days. Just my ex’s name use to piss me off. But, perhaps, all this sharing has been helping. Wither it be through art, my blog, poetry, or counseling. I needed the truth out there. Maybe that’s why he won’t give me joint custody. He’s infuriated by the fact that I shared so much. But honestly, I think abuse is not a topic that should be kept silent.  By sharing, I have helped myself out of a dark isolated place. It’s almost like the truth has built a wall of security. The more people that are aware of what’s been going on, the better.

I am guilty of hushing someone else though. So I am in fact a hypocrite for doing so. But at least I can realize these things, and admit my mistakes honestly. She was in the denial and self blaming phase. You cannot help someone in that state until they snap out of it, and believe they deserve better than that. Such as the time my sister, and an old high-school friend were wondering what the heck I was doing letting by ex back into my life, after assaulting me. I hadn’t snapped out of it yet. Sadly, it had to take my kids being taken away for me to wake up. They tried to warn me, but my state of mind was set as if it were “me and my ex against the world. Ya know? I was convinced that everybody else was just trying to sabotage us. Including all these support workers. I trusted no one. It isolated me. Anyway, about this person I hushed,  I fucked off. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but we all gotta learn on our own I guess. It’s not my life to sort out, it’s hers. Her issues were becoming a mental distraction. Plus, until she figures out she has no control over anyone else, she will keep repeating the same thing. Even with friendships, she’s got all these rules of what a best-friend or boyfriend “should” do in her head. No, I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to. So I did what’s best for me, I let her go. Trying to silence her because it reminded me of my past, I regret. She has every right to share, just as much as I do. But letting her go, I don’t regret that at all. Once again, it just means I respect myself more than that. I’m done with abuse in my life.

So yeah, I have numerous healthy forms to get it all out of my system. I don’t need to raise my voice, threaten, power-trip, or get violent, unlike some people I know. Creativity does have it’s benefits. I’ve had many workers say and give me praise for having healthier ways to cope with my emotions. I think that’s something to be proud of. It gives me hope that I am capable of breaking this cycle.

So yeah, I’m not that angry as I was before, just tired of my ex’s nonsense. I want to move on, and I will.  – Pooks

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”- Paulo Coelho

Painting done by Pooks / June 2013

Painting done by Pooks / June 2013

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A Distracting Transition

I have been busy lately, some days even distracted.

Anyway, Nuit Blanche has come and gone. I had 2 hours to quickly browse through everything.

The New School of Colour video created by Patrick Barfoot was displayed on a large screen at Museum London, so it was a bit strange walking into that room and seeing my own face on the screen. Anyway, there was interactive art taking place there, and I made sure I contributed a little something.

My contribution to the New School of Colour's interactive art at Nuit Blanche 2013

My contribution to the New School of Colour’s interactive art at Nuit Blanche 2013

I even seen a familiar face that I haven’t seen in awhile, someone that volunteered at the Ark Aid Street Mission. It was nice to see his face. That just took me by surprise.

The Facilitator ( of the New School of Colour) spoke to me as I was drawing my little contribution. He does that. Seems to spot me out in these crowds at festivals and makes a little time to catch up. Anyway, he said if I need any help with essays or something regarding school, shoot him a text. That’s cool that he also supports me outside of the New School of Colour. He’s a fan of my work, and I guess he wants to see me succeed.

At Nuit Blanche I also met the man behind the art I’ve been admiring around the city. I see his work in various windows downtown, Steve Tracy. He was also doing an interactive art piece, which will be auctioned off to raise money for children with a rare flesh disease. Kudos to Steve. Not only his art admirable, so are his actions.

Later on that night I volunteered at The Arts Project, keeping count, and greeting guests. There were thousands that night. But hey, I met one of the actors from The Easter Egg, a play I’ve seen twice from volunteering at The Arts Project. I thought that was pretty cool. He was nice, and I wasn’t the only one that recognized him from the play.

Besides that, I finally got everything I need together to apply for NNEC, funding for my education. I was hunting a fax machine yesterday, and was surprised to find out that the library no longer has a fax machine accessible to the public anymore. So I decided to try the Namerind Friendship Centre, and they had already packed it up. They are getting ready to move back into their own building. They said it could be a week until they have everything hooked up and running again. So I’m in a bit of a pickle. Maybe the Indigenous Services at the University could help me out. I just need to fax some papers off.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the Student Success Centre and I am now registered for my classes. I had the choice between two different Sociology courses, the difference between them was one involved more participation in class, the other has more essay writing. I decided for my first year to do the course that involves class participation.  Being that it is my first year, I want to be able to scope things out first, and I don’t want to overwhelm myself too much. I expect I will be be experiencing quite the culture shock, so I kinda want to keep the first year as smooth as possible. I could always take an essay writing sociology class another year after I get the hang of things in University.

I will also be taking a Visual Arts Studio class. It will introduce me to all sorts of mediums, but I mainly wanted to take it to touch up on my weaknesses, which is texture, proportion, and colour theory. I’m not going to miss Colour Theory this time around. I missed it in high-school, I missed it in college, I’m not going to miss again.

The third course I will be taking is Visual Arts History. 3 courses, because I will be a part time student. Although my worker at Indigenous Services thinks I should be a Full-time student. Maybe next year, we’ll see.

I missed my Leads appointment this week, we were supposed to do job interview practice. For some reason I had it in my head that the appointment was for next week. Then I looked at my planner a bit too late in the day and realized I was wrong. So yeah, I am a bit distracted. I am trying my best not to stress out. Some days are more successful than others.

Obviously, once I sort out how my education will be funded, and I get everything for school in place, that is when I can worry and put all my energy into finding a part-time job.

Who knows? I might apply at the Goodwill Store. The guy that trained me there while I was doing my cash register training, the manager, it sounded like he wanted to see me again. Perhaps, hoping that I bring in a resume. So that is a good sign. But first things first, get everything lined up for school.

As I said, lots has been happened lately, I cannot possibly write it all out, it would be like reading an entire chapter. Pages and pages.  Keep in mind ,this is just a blog.

I am currently waiting to hear from First Nation Housing Co-Op so that I can get a copy of my key to the front door. I somehow lost in within my travels between UWO and Fanshawe College. I have a flimsy key ring. So yeah, no more wearing my keys around my neck until I get a more sturdy key ring. I was dreading that I would have to somehow break into my home. But no, I lucked out. I actually do still have the key to the back door, plus 2 old keys that don’t work at all. No idea why I carry them, but I do. I couldn’t lose one of the useless ones,  it had to be my front door key. Go figure. – Pooks

“Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.”- Tom Stoppard

Together Again

So this is my first blog post where I actually wrote it out on paper first, rather than going straight to typing it out. I normally don’t do rough drafts, I just spontaneously dive right in.

I am currently scanning my computer, a complete system scan. I figured it was due. So I kind of need to let it do it’s thing. That doesn’t stop me from writing.

My Nana passed away, not yesterday, but the day before. She was in her nineties. She was going deaf and blind. She had breast cancer that had gotten into her bones, liver and lungs. Possibly the brain too. She was losing her memory.

All my family knew the day was coming. But it is still sad knowing I will never see her face again.

On another note, I am happy my prayers have been answered. When I got the news about her cancer back in March, I remember crying and thinking; “Of all people, why her?” She doesn’t deserve to suffer such pain. So I did, even though I struggle spiritually and with faith, I prayed that she be released from the pain. Even though I knew it would mean that she would have to die.

There’s some comfort knowing she’s not alone. That she is re-united with my Papa somewhere in the next life.

My Papa died May 12th, 2010. He had so many strokes, heart attacks and heart surgeries, his ticker just kept on ticking. He was a fighter. I think he even surprised his doctors with how much he fought to hold onto his life. I think he fought to stay by Nana’s side, but he didn’t make it through his last surgery. Still, the number of times that he did make it, you cannot help but admire that.

He was a respected Veteran. I heard people came from all over just to attend his funeral.

At least I got to tell my Nana that I loved her. Something I wish I could have told my Papa, although I’m pretty sure he already knew.

I am grateful that they both accepted me into their family, even though I’m not blood related and they didn’t have to. I was always included. That alone means a lot.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling very social. I took a down day. A day devoted to the memories they’ve given me.

I found myself remembering the little things. When we went to visit my Nana and Papa, my Nana would give me honey on toast, and milk mixed with strawberry syrup. Things I only had at their place, and that made those things that much more special.

I remember how much my Nana and Papa use to bicker. It was cute. My Papa use to drive my Nana nuts with his crazy ties, and mismatched socks when getting ready for church. They were Catholic. Even if it was a serious ordeal to my Nana, my Papa always kept a sense of humour.

I know I barely ever spoke much. I’d watch from a distance. But I do love them so much.

I usually wandered into other rooms to play. Out of the way so I wasn’t an embarrassment to my supposed mom. There I would observe their world. Video tapes of Popeye and M.A.S.H, wooden clogs, spoon collections, and those dolls that blink.

I’d over hear the stories, how Papa use to be quite the singer, and swing dancer. They’d talk about huge family gatherings, it was in their French heritage. They’d mention other family members. There was another Pauline. That’s cool.

I remember my Nana’s strong French accent. I can still hear her laugh.

They were very fortunate. They had many family dinners that included music, and laughter.

After my Papa passed, Nana didn’t want to leave their home, or their church. She was moved to live with my Aunt and Uncle for awhile, and after that she was placed in a retirement home.

That news was upsetting at first, but perhaps for the best. There she had people that can monitor her closely and give her the care she needed. A lot of my family are still job searching, or working, have children of their own to look after, etc. Sure my Aunt and Uncle are retired, but they are not nurses. One was a Police Officer, the other a Teacher. So I may not have understood their decision before, but I do now.

My Aunt and Uncle went to visit my Nana before she died. They said she said she was tired.

So she died peacefully in her sleep.

I imagine both her and my Papa together somewhere in the next life, swing dancing. Happy, young, healthy, and pain free.

I thank them for all those cherished memories they’ve given me. – Pooks

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” – Mitch Albom

My Observatory

Now that my sleeping routine has been turned around successfully for the past week, I am finding it difficult to find the time to blog. It use to be a late night thing. But no worries, I will find the time to squeeze some time for it in my day. Such as today. I apparently have some free time on my hands.

Anyway, Yaaay me! For turning something around for the past week that I thought was impossible. I just need to keep it up so that it becomes a habit. It’s a good thing too, I want to be ready to take on University. I’ll be up and ready to go. Best I work on turning my sleep pattern around now, rather than waiting until the last minute. Or waiting until I actually begin school and I struggle getting myself out of bed. It could effect my attendance, and it wouldn’t be a good way to start.

I am glad I decided to stay in London this summer. I was invited to go up north again, but nope. Not this year. I need to get ready for school. I have been doing what I can to get what I need to register for NNEC.

Plus, I don’t need C.A.S using that as a reason to use against me. Just because I went last year, a worker used that against me and said; “I’m not there for the kids.” I went to see family they took me from in the first place. I think my biological family has a right to get in contact with me. And the fact they wanted to meet me and get to know me, good for them. I have family out there, scattered. It’s good that my family is staying strong, and doing what they can to keep in touch.

Had I been allowed, I would have have loved to take the kids up there with me to meet the Kings, but no, my ex is too paranoid. He believes I’ll leave and won’t come back. Umm.. no, I believe that’s what he’d do. Because he already has.You know what they say: When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.”

Something I need to keep in mind about myself. What annoys me and dislike in others, very well could be traits I don’t like within myself. It’s true. That one friend I had a fallout with, when she kept running back to her abusive relationship, I saw myself within her. It drove me nuts. Because I was there at one point, and if I could, I would slap myself across the head and call myself an “idiot!” No, she’s not me, but she reminded me of me in a place and time I would rather not return to.

Anyway, where was I? Up north! I’m sorry, but I cannot live up there, even though I love nature. I admit,  it’s nice to visit. But in order for me to chase my dreams, I need to have the resources. I need to be in the city. Plus, it’s a town I never really belonged in anyways. At least that’s the way I feel about it. Small towns tend to have more gossip and rumors then a city does. It’s beautiful, but I don’t belong there.

So my summer here in London has begun, and what I love about summers in London are the weekly visits with my children (Of coarse. C.A.S can’t say I’m not there , because I obviously am), and the festivals and events. It’s nice to see so many people interacting with each-other, even though I can walk through like an unseen ghost. Still, as an observer, the smiles, the laughter, the dancing, it’s wonderful to see. Believe me, if I want to be seen, I am more than capable of making that possible. But I am more comfortable as the silent observer.

Perhaps that’s why I think sociology just may be the route to take. I observe what is around me in a curious kind of way, that is when I actually leave my humble abode and venture out into the world. So since I live in my head a lot of the time, take my writing for example, the focus is on myself, sociology could answer some questions I have on the outside world around me. It might help me think outside myself. Look at the bigger picture that I am well aware is there.

Plus, while walking through the Citi-Plaza, at the Library bookstore, a book stood out like a sore thumb to me. Kind of like I’m meant to have it. Sociology in our Times. I normally don’t buy books, the last book I bought was up north at the Red Lake Library. I’m glad I did, because that book is now my favorite; The Jester by James Patterson & Andrew Gross.

Of coarse I am still reading Women who runs with the Wolves, it is helping me accept my duality. The crazy, wild, rebellious side. The side people have a hard time accepting. It’s not a bad thing. Sure I can be the quiet, reserved lady, but the artist in me, she wants to break free. Both sides balance each-other out. It’s not good to have one without the other. It’s not healthy. So even if I am just sketching rough drafts, I will let out some creativity today. I am an artist, made to bend the rules.

– Pooks

“The soul without imagination is what an observatory would be without a telescope.” – Henry Ward

Money Won’t

Amazing. I first stumbled upon the video of Brendan MacFarlane singing to a store clerk on Facebook. Within the comments someone posted his website, and that is where I found the video below.

Even a child can see the corruption money has on this world. It is admirable to see someone so young getting the message out, even if he doesn’t realize it.  People v.s  Greed. – Pooks

On this Cloudy Morning

I’m up kind of early, not as early as yesterday. Which was 6:30am. Plus I slept for 12 hours. From around 8pm to 8 this morning. I needed the rest. An early start with no nap within the day, makes me exhausted.

Anyway, I had an appointment yesterday with Ontario Works. It’s good to hear that I am doing everything I am supposed to do. I’m on the right track.

The day prior to yesterday, my Leads worker gave my resume a make-over. Next we will be doing interview practice.

I am seeking part-time work. I can score the interviews, but once I get in an interview, that’s where I somehow mess things up. So yeah, it’s good I’ll be getting that practice.

My blog prior to this one, I was venting, I need to do that sometimes. I even posted a poem I wrote 2-3 years ago on youtube. I recorded my voice reading it out loud. Who knows? I might do that with other poems as well. We’ll see.

I volunteer later on tonight at The Arts Project. The Fringe Festival has officially started here in London, Ontario. I imagine it will be busy, but I am more than happy to help.

The Car- Free Block Party is this weekend downtown. EVAC will have a table or something set up down there. Who knows?! Maybe I can make myself a new improved “Pooks” button. I gave the one I made in 2011 to my son, so I need to make a new one.

As for art, haven’t started anything new yet. Still brainstorming. I am still reading the Women Who Run with the Wolves. My sister suggested I check out the t.v series ; Game of Thrones, I did, and it’s not that bad. It still doesn’t top Son’s of Anarchy though. Kurt Sutter definitely knows how to take his fans for a ride, he’s unpredictable. He’s good at what he does. He’s a good writer.

No Idle No More, or money rant today. It’s too early for that, and I still haven’t had my coffee yet.

So yeah, good morning, and enjoy your day. – Pooks

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.” – Babe Ruth

It’s Bullshit

Last Thursday I received news that my sister is due in October, and that she will be having a boy.  So yeah, October will be an awesome month. My sister will be having her baby, and I will be an Aunt.

We chatted briefly online today, and she said she is thinking of giving her son an Inuit name meaning “Nice King.” I think it’s a beautiful name.

She shared pictures, of her, her partner, and her dog (Layla). They look so happy together, they will make a great family. I wish them the best. My sister deserves happiness in her life. I hope nothing comes between them.

I don’t think I would want anymore children, just from my own personal experience. Apparently the system, or society, thinks I am unfit, and would rather have my children in the home of my abuser. He can’t possibly be a risk! He’s just a male chauvinistic abusive pathological liar. Of coarse the kids will be safe with him! He has family history of crime and drugs. But no, the mother that doesn’t drink alcohol, or do drugs (NOT EVEN WEED) , and doesn’t even have a criminal record , is the risk. Rrrright.

My sister said it best; it’s bullshit!

But this system has something against my skin. I’m a “savage”, and uncivilized because I don’t go to church. I am not converted.  Supposedly my beliefs decipher wither or not I am a good parent.

It doesn’t help that they enable my ex to “Use the Children” to continue the abuse. Leaving the final decision to him wither or not I get joint custody. Of coarse he’s not going to grant that! Not unless I give him what he wants, SEX!! And why would I?!! I do not love him!! He cannot force me to love him either.

So yeah, when men approach me and treat me like a baby making machine, I’m like: nuh uh. Such as that dude that said Latins and Ojibwe’s would make beautiful babies. Maybe they do. But I ain’t interested in making any freakin babies any time soon. The way I see it, I will just get hurt again. They will be taken away. This society won’t allow it.

Plus, the way that dude was talking. It was like he only wants a wife for profit. So he can get more money back when he does his taxes. That’s disgusting! I’m not going to be used because of your greed. There is no price tag hanging off me! So yeah, I obviously did not call that dude back. He did give me his number. Clearly there’s a huge difference between us, what he loves (money), I hate. I absolutely love that scene in the Dark Knight, where the Joker sets all that money on fire. The way I see it, that is the solution to end poverty, and social barriers when it comes to money.

So I am hoping that society doesn’t give my sister a hard time either. I hope they leave her family alone. I wish that pain of loss, that heartbreak of losing your children,  on no one. She has always wanted a baby as long as I can remember.

I haven’t lost my children permanently, I do see them weekly. I am grateful for that. But it still hurts. I imagine it hurts my children just as much.

It is hard to move on. Because I don’t want my children to think I have abandoned them. That’s not true. They don’t know how long I have been waiting for them to come home. They don’t know how long I’ve been fighting. They don’t know what my barriers are, this stupid system, and their father.

Life’s not always fair. Evil prevails in this stupid fuckin world. No matter how honest you are, and pour your heart out. So yeah, all this created what I am today. I’ve turned into quite the skeptic, and activist.  I have turned against the system.

I tried the church thing, but we all know how that went. My blog posts being turned into sermons of what not to do, because I’m such a “sinner”.  Heaven forbid I question shit, and I think for myself! Thinking makes me a sinner apparently.

So yeah, damn rights! I’m against greed. I’m Idle No More! I support Occupy, etc. Fuck your God in the Bible, that is not my Creator! What kind of God requests cultural assimilation and pain on others?! The Creator I believe loves all, accepts all, because we are all one.

Anyway,  I’m not going down without rattling every cage I possibly can. The Government, this fucked up system we live by, religion, C.A.S, my ex, their controlling ways have created my rebellion. I will do what I can to tear the system down, or at least try to create a ripple effect. – Pooks

“The thing worse than rebellion is the thing that causes rebellion.” – Fredrick Douglass

Replacing a Broken Wheel

It’s been a busy week. Monday to Wednesday are pretty much a blur. I think I was busy unleashing some creativity at home. You can see what I did at the following link. It would be the first two images seen from the top left in “Pooks Art Gallery”.

http://pooks82.weebly.com/pooks-art-gallery.html

It was suggested to me that I create a piece that signifies Unity. Someone that follows my FB fan page suggested it, and said that when I am done, they will share it on their FB page. Sounds like a deal! Now if only I can brainstorm something that makes unity obvious. My last piece “Eve’s Forsaken” was kind of about that. But based on religion. This time, I want to take it farther. Racial unity, religion, money, gender, to sexual preference. The question is, how do I combine it all into one, and still get the message across? So yeah, I have some pondering to do.

Which reminds me, I still haven’t been paid for that piece. I’m still surprised it was sold within the first half hour. I was actually expecting people to be offended by it. There was a bit of a dark twist to it. It was sold at the Framing of the Phoenix Art Exhibition around the beginning of May. I did receive an e-mail stating it may take a few weeks to process. So yeah, hopefully I do get paid for that, and someone doesn’t get away with my art for free. I put a lot of work into that art piece. Plus, as I did say in my artist statement or bio, that half of the asking price, which was $80, was going to go to the New School of Colour. I would like to keep my word.

Wednesday evening, I had my visit with my children. Another little boy came to play with us. We did a lot of running around. Games like tag, freeze tag, to playing with a ball. My daughter and I would throw a ball each, and the boys would have to catch it. I made sure I threw the ball really high. It was fun. My daughter even gave me a painting she made for me. I love the homemade gifts. She had me choose from two of her paintings, and said the other was to be saved for my birthday. That’s cute.

Anyway, on Thursday I had my counseling appointment. I admit I was nervous about going in, I was even procrastinating a bit. But I made it on time. No sleep the night prior, but still, I made it.

We were looking at the diagrams, 2 separate wheels. I have seen these before from a previous worker from the Women’s Community House. Anyway, no worker or counselor has done what my recent counselor has done. We went through the wheel, and one by one, we went through all my past abusers and made a list of what they did from what was seen on that wheel. It made the cycle very clear, and it made me cry. It’s been going on for a long time, and since my ex uses the children to hurt me more, it’s on going. My supposed mom got 6/8 on the wheel. My ex prior, before I met my children’s father, got 7/8 on the wheel. My ex, the father of my children, got 8/8. I wasn’t sure about the economic abuse. But my counselor says that he does fit in that category, because when we were together he freeloaded and put all responsibility on me. He got his own money from Ontario Works, but he’d blow that on drugs, alcohol, and whatever he wanted, then he’d mooch off me, and crash at my home. He wasn’t paying for the the bills, the groceries, etc.

Then we looked at the second wheel. And my counselor reassured me that I can have that. It is possible. She said I did the right thing when I basically kicked that one friend to the curb. She was kind of wishy washy, and all over the place. A lot to take in mentally. My counselor agrees, I have been through enough abuse, I don’t anymore of it. I do have a couple friends I’ve made that are actually healthy relationships. Just to name a few; there’s Carol, even though I may not see her all the time, I know she’s a support. There’s the facilitator from the New School of Colour, who is like a big brother who took me under his wing, and challenges and encourages me to go farther with my capabilities.  There’s Julie, who has known me the longest in this city. She is like an older sister, kind of motherly in away. She’s the person I talk to if I need to rant, or need the company. She’s there. Like a mother, she will tell me “Stay out of trouble”. Or If I do stray, she will speak up and say “What are you doing?”, and get my focus back onto my goals.

It’s weird. The book I’m still reading, I’m only a quarter of the way through, Women who Run with the Wolves, there is a part in there that did say that women will meet a second motherly kind of figure in their lives, most likely later on in their lives. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I have already met mine. I’m glad I have, I cherish her.

So yeah, the wheel of Unity. It is possible. I do have some healthy relationships. I have shut the door to those that aren’t. It’s a start. I am starting to get control back over myself. So even though I did cry at my counseling appointment, I left filled with hope and wonder. Ultimately, I choose who is worthy to stay in my life, and who goes. I was starting to doubt myself, I thought maybe my demands are set too high on others, but after this appointment, I realize their not. I am doing what is best for my own well-being.

Friday was busy. I went to the Goodwill Career Centre for my Cash Register Training course. I was so excited, and I had fun while I was there. Nothing to distract me this time around. I finally have something that can break a barrier within my job searching. Half of the course was taught one on one. The other was hands on in the Goodwill Store. I enjoyed it, and the staff were kind. So thanks to my Ontario Works worker for setting that up for me, and thanks to the Goodwill Career Centre for teaching me.

That evening I volunteered as an usher for The Easter Egg play at The Arts Project. It’s the second time I seen the show, I enjoyed it both times. I felt a bit more comfortable approaching people and speaking. Maybe it was the adrenaline, and confidence boost from earlier in the day. I don’t know. I’m also happy to say I have more hours set up for June at The Arts Project. I am not only loving the talent I see there, I am loving what I am learning from the experience. Anyway, future hours as a floater include the Visual Fringe, Nuit Blanche, and The works of L’Éveil de la Tristesse, by Michelle Ellis, an artist that strives to dissolve the stigma of mental illness, it should be interesting.  I look forward to it all.

As for school, I still need apply for funding. It’s just waiting on the mail basically. Waiting to receive a letter of approval from my reserve, and a transcript from my high-school. Then I can go on and mail a package all together at once to register for NNEC funding. But the waiting is getting to be a bit stressful, considering it is June and the clock is ticking.

As for school, the more and more I think about it, the more I am thinking of taking on sociology. Maybe it peeks the curiosity of the Lil activist in me. What I’ll do with it, I don’t know. I just feel like there is something to be gained in that direction. – Pooks

“What’s past is prologue, and the world awaits.”- Lisa Mantchev

violencewheel

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