Scissors

So I burned yet another bridge with someone. This time, my supposed little sister. Seriously, if I have to start from scratch to build my supports I will. If that is the only way I am going to break this abusive cycle, so be it. I don’t want abuse in my life anymore, and I will not tolerate it.

Yeah, she’s pregnant, good for her. This is, like my mom did, who the fuck is she coming to to dump her drama on? Me. Whenever her and her man get in a fight, in come the text messages. Or whatever negative shit she can throw at me. Such as beating her dog. Which pretty much began the burning of the bridge so to speak.

Her dog is a one year old. Part Sheppard and something else. Supposedly husky, or wolf or something. But whatever, the breed doesn’t matter, if your good to the dog, it will be rather happy and behaved. But her and her boyfriend punch this dog in the head, apparently beating it is their form of discipline, and they wonder why their dog is aggressive, attacking their kitten, and other people.

She kept telling me to stop comparing her dog to a child, her dog is an animal. A beast. That’s not the point, it is a living thing! Plus, successful pet owners often do treat their pets like family.

This brought up my past. She said I left a pit-bull to die, shows what she knows. Jack shit! When a friend got me out of an abusive relationship and into the Rotholme centre. The pit-bull wasn’t alone obviously, my friend that got me out, was there. My ex got thrown in jail, the dogs were given to new owners. But unfortunately for the pit-bull, my ex kicked it in the stomach too many damn times, it died from internal bleeding, and damaged intestines. It was too late. That pit bull died for me, it protected me and fought for me.

Apparently that’s the image my sister likes to place herself as. Ya know? What the pit-bull did for me. But the truth came out, and she admitted that if it weren’t for a friend of hers, she would have punched me out. So she’s not this valiant protective sister as she pretends to be. Just a hater in disguise.  She may have a pretty face, but one hell of an ugly personality.

Now, since she is expecting a baby on the way, I told her to cut it out. Stop hitting the dog. I flat out told her she was being abusive. I mean, she thinks she can lay her hands on anyone. She has hit all her ex boyfriends, her brother, cops, friends, her recent boyfriend, and her dog. Who knows who else. She’s violent, and has proudly admitted to being a predator. I told her, if she keeps that shit up she will lose her kid. And of coarse she flipped out thinking I was talking about the dog, and told me to stop acting like the dog is a child.

And of coarse, she rubbed the fact that I lost my kids in my face. She accuses me of being abusive. Yeah, I threw a dresser drawer at my exes face. It’s not like I go punching out every single person I come in contact with. I knew what I did was wrong. Did I repeat it? No! As for my son, If I give him a time out, and he just walks away because his aunt is there. Ummm.. no. Just because she’s there, doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a pushover. I will get him on his time out. EVEN IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO DRAG HIM! No, I’m not innocent. I’ve been openly admitting my mistakes. I spanked my son once. Never again. I cried beside his bed, and practically begged him to forgive me. These days, I refuse to touch him, not without his consent. Difference between her and I is that I learn, I don’t repeat. I can respect a persons space.  She doesn’t. Just like my supposed mom, she respects no one, but expects respect.

Good fuckin riddance.

She said C.A.S are closing their file, and rubs it in my face that they were in my life for 8 years.  Phhht… it won’t be long until their back.  I sure as hell am not sticking around for when her son decides to say no, and not listen. She clearly has no patience at all.

So yeah, another negative person kicked out the door. Not like she was ever really there anyways. Just when she wants something. Or when we talk, we talk about her. Her, her, her. Yet, I’m supposedly so selfish and so self absorbed.

Whatever. I know that’s not true. Yesterday I proved it. I got my ass out of bed, on a rainy day, a Saturday, to volunteer, and I didn’t have to. Volunteers don’t get paid cash, but the experience itself is rewarding.

Plus, I wouldn’t be taking sociology if I wasn’t curious about the world outside myself. Which reminds me, about the dog, I said hitting the dog will make it aggressive. That’s common sense. My sister made this remark like “You should have gone to class. then you’d know common sense doesn’t exist.” I missed one day! I didn’t drop out because I’d rather get fucked up on crack. So she said something along the lines that I failed from Fanshawe College because I was lazy. Umm.. no. I do have some health issues, rheumatoid arthritis, anemia ( so yeah, I’m tired all the fuckin time!!) , anxiety, and depression. You’d get depressed too if you thought you got away from an abuser, and then that person moves in. Also,  the discrimination I experienced at college was quite the shocker for me at the time. Thus adding to the depression. Point is, I am back, and making another attempt at a secondary education. My solution to a better situation isn’t getting knocked up.  Ahem, she’d still be on the streets of Ottawa if she wasn’t pregnant. Good luck taking care of a kid, considering she can barely take care of herself! I don’t need her bullshit in my life. I’m so done with abuse. Just tired of it.

Yeah, she says we’re two different people now, and I don’t know her anymore. Damn rights I don’t, and I don’t want to know who she has become either.  Boo fuckin hoo, she doesn’t like me anymore. Good! I obviously don’t like her either.

The only way I’m going to get better is if I cut the negative, abusive people out. They just remind me of the trauma. – Pooks

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So I survived my first week of school. Although that bullying episode in my previous post did put a damper on my confidence.

Regarding that, what pisses me off about it is the admin of People V.S Greed would join in on this behavior along with a member of StormCloudGatherings, so easily. Why? Because they have “more followers”. Really? Numbers is what it takes to turn your back on someone and treat them like shit?  I believe that is defeating your whole purpose. Greed can manifest in many forms. It is wanting more of what you already possess, nothing is ever satisfying. So yeah, in this case, number of people. An online people collector. Funny, because before this episode, the Admin of People V.S Greed was cleaning up her personal account on Facebook. I believe she said ” I don’t understand people that collect people.” Yet, here she is doing it herself, through “People V.S Greed.” Even though she sought me out to help her with this movement, I get kicked to the curb so easily because StormCloudGathering has bigger numbers when it comes to followers. Umm..yeah. Good luck conquering greed with greed.

Another thing, there was clearly a misunderstanding, they could have been kind and just explained. No, instead, the member of StormCloudGathering belittles and attacks me, and like a little lap dog wanting to be popular, the Admin of People V.S Greed hops on the band wagon and joins in.

Also, I have been getting remarks from people about my previous post such as “I can’t insult StormCloudGathering, and then say subscribe.” Even though my post said nothing about subscribing. It said CREATE your own news. But I guess people can’t read. So I edited the blog and took StormCloudGathering out of that part. I did admire what they were doing in that sense. But their behavior when someone says “no”. That was quite an immature reaction. Although judging by the event, seriously spamming?!! That is quite immature as well. I should have expected childish behavior. Hopefully not all the members aren’t as immature as the one I encountered. But yeah, I’m done supporting either of them, StormCloudGathering and People V.S Greed.

I seem to have an act for this, I get more enemies than friends just by being myself.

Anyway, school, the first week has been chaotic. By the middle of it,on Wednesday, I panicked and freaked out. I missed my first class because I was waiting in line at the bookstore getting books I need for class. That started it, I was like : “Oh god! I missed a class! I’m already fucking up!” Next I had Visual Arts, but an appointment with Leads collided with that class, meaning I would have to walk out anyway. So I began to freak out. So I went to Indigenous Services, it’s quiet there, and I know there are people there I could talk to. Luckily I did. The worker managed to chill me out by repeating “It’s not as bad as you think.” She kinda grounded me from all the chaos that was going on within my own head.

I gave her the receipt for what I bought that day. It’s good to know I have a safe place to store these receipts, because if I take them home, they will get lost.

I ended up missing Visual Arts as well, so I just left and went to my Leads appointment. Normally my Leads appointments go well. But since I was already distraught, I found it a bit depressing. Having two people sit there plotting and scheduling my life. Filling up my schedule with possibilities of work, or appointments. It got me down, time for my children wasn’t even considered.

So 2 classes weren’t the only things I missed this week. I was supposed to volunteer at The Arts Project Tuesday night. I didn’t make it. I sent an e-mail stating I’ll be late, but I didn’t even make it all. I was running around getting those estimates for OW. Which I need so my balance of what NNEC gave me for books can go back to what it was. Remember, I threw my cell phone in the washer, and yeah I got a replacement. But since I messed with that balance, I gave myself a chaotic week.

Hopefully next week I’ll be more organized and prepared. It doesn’t help I’m still waiting for OSAP to process my application as a full-time student. I’m kind of stuck lingering between financial supports.

Counselling on the other hand went really well. We mapped out my last anxiety episode, and pin pointed some thoughts that trigger my anxiety. We are going to work on changing the way I think. So the thoughts that trigger these episodes don’t make me hyperventilate, puke, or become so overwhelmed I become immobilized. To the point where nothing gets done. So yeah, rather than thinking “I’M DOOMED!!” in the spur of the moment, learn to problem solve. And thinking thoughts like “Is that thought really rational?” It became clear that my thoughts such as “I already fucked up” aren’t so rational after-all. It’s just the first week of school. Relax.

My counselor believes my anxiety is deep rooted, from a long history of abuse. She’s probably right. I’ve lived my life walking on egg shells so to speak. Terrified to make the wrong move. There’s a part of me that is a perfectionist, and I can’t even help it.

Anyway, life goes on. I have to keep trying.

Last night I registered to be a participant with Western Serves. So I will be volunteering at L’Arche London for a day doing house work, and yard work. It should be interesting. While choosing what venue to volunteer for, it was a quote on L’Arche London’s website that caught my eye.

“Can we reasonably have a dream where people, whatever their race, religion, culture, abilities, or disabilities, whatever their education or economic situation, whatever their age or gender, can find a place and reveal their gifts.” – Jean Vanier

So yeah. I look forward to volunteering some of my time at a place like that. I plan to make this attempt different from my first attempt at a post secondary education. This time I am going to make an effort to get involved.

This evening I will be volunteering at the Ark Aid Street Mission. That should make up for the lost volunteer hours this week.

It’s been a bit of a bumpy start, but I guess that is to be expected.

Last Monday there has been talk about the New School of Colour possibly having an art show sometime around late November 2013. I’ll let you know more when I know more. But  yes, I guarantee I’ll have an art piece in that show. 😉 – Pooks

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”- Mahatma Gandhi

Troll Encounter

So last night I got into some Facebook drama. On an event page of all places. Why? Because I chose to decline an invitation. Supposedly that makes me selfish, or “self-minded.”  Yet the person labeling me to be this, does not know me from a hole in the ground. I’m a complete stranger to this person, and he’s claiming to have me all figured out. Ugh! That’s annoying.

Okay. So the event was called #Troll4Truth. And they basically want to bombard all the popular news media with “the truth”.

I just did a quick browse on their explanation of what they were doing. They lost me at their lame instructions which goes on and on, before they actually get to the point. Which is apparently Syria. Well, I didn’t reach that far within all that babble. I just saw, that it’s basically attacking the New’s pages on FB and Twitter, spamming them basically.

I don’t follow the news. The only time I ever watch the news is when I’m at a friends house. Besides that, I barely ever read it, barely ever watch it. That’s my choice. Now, the person that invited me was well aware of this, but invited me to this anyway. Trolling would mean I would have to start following the news. That defeats the whole purpose of choosing not to.

Anyway, I declined to this event, and tried to explain why. Most event pages don’t make such a big deal over those that decline, but this one did. I was ganged up on by the creator of the event, and the person who invited me; the admin of People V.S Greed.

I tried to explain that I see it as a distraction from the bigger picture. Of coarse I am not that great at explaining shit, it blew up in my face. I just got shit on. To the point that the admin from People v.s Greed was actually trying to make me feel bad about my own accomplishments, such as school. They we’re basically bullying, and that is no bueno. I do not support that. It just makes me think that the creator of the event is just looking for any reason to fight, or harass someone else. Wither it be the news, or someone that declines the event.

The way I see it, is that the News media, the people that work for them, are just pawns. They are just doing what they are paid to do. If you’re gonna waste your time attacking a pawn, then you might as well start attacking soldiers as well. They are pawns too. Stop wasting your time, and go straight to the source, the people that are paying them to put lies in front of your face. Who are these people? The Capitalists. Stop attacking your fellow people. Believe it or not, they are one of you, wither they know it or not.

As for this idea of “trolling”. I’m sorry. I find it immature and lame. Spamming pages online?? Rrrright! What exactly is that supposed to do? If you don’t like the news lying to you so much, then maybe follow The Indignants example. Do you’re own research, and create your own news if you want the truth out there.

As for all these accusations of being “Self-Minded.” You can’t expect to change shit, if you don’t start with yourself! – Pooks

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” – Buckminster Fuller

It’s a Frustrating Freakin Road!

Ugh! I am having one of those “fuck it” kind of days. Nothing is working out at all today. Apparently I need to CALL Student Central. Well ya kinda need a phone for that, and I just so happened to throw mine in the wash last-night. Shit just keeps snowballing. I need help with freakin OSAP damn it, is that so much to ask?! Ugggh!!

Why did I throw it in the wash? Because I’m actually sick for a change. I caught some kind of chest cold. So I am trying to be as sanitary as possible. Washing my dishes after I use them right away. If I cough or sneeze on the sleeve of my sweater, in the wash it goes. But of coarse, I have not been sleeping well lately. I don’t look forward to the waking up part, which is painfully coughing up phlegm.

So yeah, don’t do things when you are groggy and tired. You might just throw your cell phone in the washer.

To top it off, Telus closed early today. They are supposed to be open til 6pm. I was gonna use some of the NNEC money which is meant for books for a new cellphone, and replace that money if I can get estimates into OW for “Interview clothes.” I am not on OSAP yet to support my personal expenses/ basic needs. Technically I am still on OW, so I should be eligible. Sure I may use the money for something else, but a cell phone will help too, regarding job interviews. Actually, if I use the money from NNEC for the cellphone, I’ll be using what I can get from OW to balance back what NNEC gave me in the first place. A cellphone is approximately $100 for a prepaid. I can get $160 possibly from OW. So yeah, basically use it to just balance my funding for books back out. But for some stupid reason Telus is closed early. SLACKERS!!! The sign says 9am – 6pm damn it! So I cannot get a replacement right away.

So I seem to be back with dealing with the frustrations of not having a phone. Kind of need a phone in today’s society. That became clearly apparent during my journey within poverty. As well as some kind of internet access.

Plus, someone like me, who is always running late for shit. A cell phone works as a clock or watch. Without it, I’m clueless of the time, therefore, more likely to be late or even miss shit entirely.

What’s more frustrating is that I emailed SSC worker last month, she didn’t get back to me till today. Even though my e-mail was marked as URGENT!! OSAP cancelled my previous application, and said I need to apply as a full-time student. So I told this worker this, and that I may need help adding another course or two. As well as help with the OSAP application, I don’t need them cancelling it on me again. So I would like to make sure it is filled out correctly. But can she help? NO!! I just keep running into dead ends. Apparently need to call Student Central, and yeah, no phone.

I also need to pick up my student ID card, buy books. As well as make time to visit my lawyer this week.

I think I will have to skip some student orientations. Sure it would be nice to get familiar with my surroundings. But that doesn’t seem to be in my cards. My transition isn’t going to be smooth as promised, it will be utter chaos.

On August 29th I did have an appointment booked with Financial Aid at the University. But I had to cancel that, because that turned out to be the same time and date as the “Settle Conference” in Family court. Which turned out as expected, a disappointment. My ex fails to see joint custody as an opportunity to cooperatively work together for our children’s sake. He just keeps spitting that opportunity in my face, and continues to be immature.

Anyway, it was a pain in the ass just to try to get that appointment with Financial Aid in the first place. And since I have not been able to book another, they keep getting all booked up. That just adds to my frustration and stress. To the point I feel like saying: “Fuck it all!”

The road to get out of poverty is frustrating as hell.  Today I may say fuck it, but tomorrow I will try again to get things lined up. I need to keep trying. Even if I have to attend my first week of school unprepared and unorganized. You’d think I’d be used to that by now. But no, my inner critic is a Drill Sargent with high expectations. I let myself down a lot,  but I refuse to give up.  – Pooks

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

– Winston Churchill