I think my last post was pretty shocking to some people. I’d see things on my Facebook newsfeed, comments like: “Why do things ppl say to others bug me when it’s not directed at me…I just want to stand up for them…only now a days even written words are a threat!! verbally, physically…is not tolerable!!!” Or quotes and about judgment, etc, etc.
Am I ashamed of my post, or similar ones to it? No. Those are very real thoughts, and emotions I felt at that particular time. Yeah, people get mad at me, such as my sister, the cock-eyed red head, my ex, they all say I’m just talking shit. But the truth is, their pissed off because I exposed a side of them they didn’t want anyone else to see. They have a supposed reputation to maintain, a false persona of what they pretend to be, and I somehow threatened it with my writing. They all want the public to view them all as “saintly” people and accuse me of making myself out to be oh so perfect and righteous. Haha! That’s a joke. I’ve been bluntly honest obviously. I don’t think an orgy, or other things I have shared in my blog qualify as “perfect” or righteous. My mistakes are very apparent, and it shows within my blog where I have times in my life where I’m like: Whoops! Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I point out my own mistakes, my guilt. Unlike these people, I am hiding fuck all. Minus the mushy stuff. I don’t blog about crushes, or any current intimacy. My love interests, or love life, will be kept private because I’m shy like that. Haha! Although, there is no current significant other, I am single. I am very fussy on who I’ll trust, obviously.
No, I don’t regret sharing what I have. There were times I questioned my writing. But no, I started this blog to share the thoughts in my head, I intend to keep it that way. As honest and real from my perspective.
Sure people pity my sister, after the things I’ve said. But I’m sure some of those people would think twice had I shared the fact that she has become racist. She doesn’t like white, or black people. When we were arguing she made this remark saying: “That’s so “white” of you!” Uhhh… What?! I’m not the only native here adopted into a white family. Who the fuck does she think she’s kidding?!
Of coarse I don’t want that hateful bitter shit in my life! And I’m not going to sit around and watch her teach her son this hateful shit either.
She’s so full of hate, anger, and negativity. Yeah, shit happened to her. Shit happened to me too. Difference is I seek help to change it. Her, my supposed mom, my ex, and the cock eyed red head are all too proud to seek help. Heaven forbid they do that. Their egos are so far up their ass, they think they don’t need to. They got this “they can solve it themselves” kind of attitude. Or, like my ex, just too damn stubborn to change. Yet, they keep repeating the same fuckin bullshit over and over. Umm.. yeah, clearly their way doesn’t work. Thank you all for showing me what not to do. Seeing my counselor is a step in the right direction. Breaking an abusive cycle is not something you can do on your own, nor is it something where you’re simultaneously better out of the freakin blue. That is not realistic, and the cycle is bound to repeat as I have witnessed and experienced with the 5 years with my ex. Ya know? Whenever I did let him back after kicking him out, things would be peachy for a short while, but it wouldn’t be long until he returned to being a total disrespectful jack ass.
No, everybody is not the same. You are not me, and blah blah blah. But when it comes to abuse, the cycle is very similar. It can vary on how extreme the abuse.
Do I regret kicking these people to the curb? No! They clearly are not interested in change, and I am. So yeah, I’ll carry on without.
As for my ex, it’s been 3 years since he broke up with me and I agreed, we do not work. How mentally fucked do you have to be to still have this fairy tale in your mind that I will be returning? It’s been 3 years, obviously I’m not.
During my visits with our kids they have been saying some strange shit. Such as “Dad says you’ll be moving in soon.” Each time, I have to let them down. Considering the fact that he’s filling their heads with false shit is mentally abusive. Stop fucking with their heads!! I know my haters are reading, so that is directly to you, my stubborn ex that clearly doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “No.”
Yeah, I would like joint custody, but since my ex still has this fucked up fantasy of my return, I’m beginning to think my counselor is right when it comes to having a safety plan in place.
Yeah, I struggle with trust I think that’s been made apparent. My sister says that I will be alone forever, like my mom. But honestly I think it’s the other way around with a shitty ass attitude. Yes, I have a small group of friends. I’m not Miss Popular, nor do I care to be. I don’t want fame or popularity. I just want to leave my mark in the world. Pooks was here! I’m not trying to impress anyone. What you see is what you get basically. I’ve always been this outcast, freak, misunderstood, awkward introvert. I accept it, I’ve grown to love it. Not to mention critical, and analytical. I need to think about, and analyze everything. Including the people I allow into my life. You want to label that as judgmental, fine! I do it for my own safety and well-being. I believe I deserve better than to surround myself with abusive, negative, hateful, bitter people. That’s not a crime. So my standards have been raised. I got a better idea of what I want in my life, so for that I can thank them all. My supposed mom, my supposed sister, the cock eyed red head, an ex that killed the pit bull, and my ex who is the father of my children, thank you all!! You’re all a blessing, a painful blessing mind you, but still a blessing.
As for the people and their attempts to make me feel ashamed for sharing the things I share. I suppose you expect me to apologize that you find it offensive. I’m not going to. This blog is just a collection of thoughts. MY thoughts. You don’t like it? Who cares?! It’s not your head. Carry on with your merry life.
I apologize for the wait for the new post. I do try to do this weekly, but now I actually have a schedule to work around. Such as my classes, homework, my appointments (w/ my counselor, OW & Leads) , evenings I volunteer, New School of Colour, and of coarse my access with my children. I’ll post when I can. Please be patient. – Pooks
“It’s better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours, and you’ll drift in that direction.” – Warren Buffett