The Clenching of the Rope

Since I had the sprained ankle, I kinda fell behind in my classes. But luckily, I am catching up.

I did attempt going to school 2 days on crutches, but nuh -uh. That wasn’t working out very well. It made me very sore and exhausted all the time. I get pretty grouchy if I’m in pain, hungry, or tired. When I get either of those 3 things, I get grouchy, as in impatient, and kinda get a bit snappy at people. Can’t be having that.

I wasn’t necessarily stable on crutches. I was kinda wobbly, like a person learning to ride a bike. With that being said, I was pretty much another accident waiting to happen. I was absolutely terrified of falling down another flight of stairs, so I decided stay home until I was back up on two feet. 2 weeks of recuperating, and a lot of studying at home.

Anyway, my ankle wasn’t entirely healed, but I decided it had it’s rest, it was time to exercise it. At first it was very uncomfortable to walk. My foot was still swollen, so it felt rather awkward. And it was slightly painful because I had some bruising on the top of my foot.  So having to put on a shoe, and walk, and having the top of my shoe push against my bruise with every step I took… Ow.

Well, I am mostly healed up now. There is just a little swelling on my ankle. The bruises on my foot healed, but the big bruise down my shin is taking a lot longer to heal. I still wear a tensor bandage to support my ankle for whenever I go out.

If I said that I fell down in front of the SSC, I meant to say the MC at UWO. I keep wanting to write up a comment to drop off in the comment box, to suggest railings, and something to be put on the actual stairs so they aren’t as slippery. Thing is, I always forget to do so when I am there.

I slipped while it was raining, and now there’s snow. Wither it be sand, or those mats, or even the same kind of orange rubbery material placed on side walks for blind people, that could work. Something just needs to be there to make it safe, so that others don’t do the same, and go flying down the stairs like I did. I suppose I could have wore better footwear, I was wearing dress shoes, that didn’t necessarily have any grip at the bottom to them. But I’m not the only female student that wears dressy shoes. Although, since the incident, I’ve been wearing my sneakers.

That’s enough about my ankle. It’s healing up nicely. Moving on! I got my first essay assignment returned. I got 70%. A lot better than I thought I would get, and that was without any assistance. University is supposed to be a learning experience, so I decided to write it on my own, and to see where my skills stand. Risky move, I admit, but you learn best from your mistakes.

My IS worker is going to try to arrange something so I can write up a make up exam for sociology. I already did my first art history exam, and there is another one coming up soon next month. I handed in my essays for sociology and art history. The essay I mentioned earlier was regarding my art history essay. I am still waiting for the return of my sociology critical thinking assignment. But that one was 5 pages long. My art history essay only had to be 1000 words. So it’s understandable that it would take more time to grade.

I have been struggling with Visual Arts. Measuring, proportions. I keep being told to draw a larger scale. Plus a part of me is uncomfortable with being told what to draw, how to draw, like we all gotta be able to draw the exact same in the same way. Perhaps my valuing of individuality is what’s behind the fact that that idea kind of bothers me in a way. But, I am sticking with it, and am trying my best. I’m there to learn skills that I could possibly use in future art projects of mine.

It was suggested that perhaps I could drop out of one class, and only take 2, I’d still be a part time student. Sure I get overwhelmed, especially when I fall behind. But I fell behind due to an injury. According to my IS worker, I missed 2 weeks, that isn’t that bad. I can still get all caught up. I have until Monday morning to think about it. My current thoughts on that is that would be like giving up. I’m too stubborn to give up, and I feel confident I can get caught back up to speed. I mean, I just need to take that sociology exam. As for visual arts, since studio class assignments are done in class and handed in at the end of the day, my IS worker is going to try to arrange it so that I can make up for the marks lost, by the next assignments being graded even higher. So if an assignment was to be ?/5, assignments would be marked ?/10.

Besides that, I finally finished that oil painting I’ve been working on, which seems like forever, over a year. I decided to call it “Brainwasher.” Also, at the New School of Colour, I was interviewed for a video. I giggled a lot. I tend to do that when I’m nervous. It’s not only a coping mechanism, but I have turned laughter into a habit over the years. A good habit.

The New School of Colour now has a new media guru who will be advertising events, updating FB and Twitter, taking photos and videos, etc. He kinda surprised me when we first met. His first words were “The famous Pauline King Shannon.” I was not expecting that. Famous eh? When did that happen? Haha! Anywho, glad he’s on board with this lovable bunch called, the New School of Colour. Welcome to the family 🙂

Speaking of the New School of Colour, I actually mentioned it in my Art History essay, because I am involved with it. I speak from experience. One of the things I said within my essay was …

“What I find mesmerizing about this, is that while the participants are creating art, the participants are in fact a part of Jeremy Jeresky’s art project, the New School of Colour: the space, the people, all play a part. The space and every one functioning in that space, is the art piece.”

Anywho, just thought I’d share that. I apologize for all the babbling about my ankle at the beginning of this post, but that was my life for 2 weeks, or more, since it’s not entirely healed yet. But it is a lot better than it was, and no pain anymore.

I’m not sure what I’ll be working on next when it comes to my next New School of Colour art project. All I can say, is that it will be another oil painting, and on a canvas. Probably bigger. An idea has not come to me yet.

Besides all that, my visits with my kids are going superbly. Always fun, and it’s nice to get out and walk with them for awhile. Even if it’s just to a store. At our last visit, we built a snowman, and then demolished it by attacking it with snowballs. We also played hide and seek. Yeah, we were in the parking lot, but the playground in the back of the C.A.S building was “closed”. There’s not many places for the kids to play in that area, so we just kind of make the best of what’s around. A woman did approach us, and say that’s not safe and blah blah blah. I think she said the same thing 3 freakin times. She doesn’t want us to get in trouble, playing in the parking lot is not safe, etc, etc. So yeah, we went to the store, returned to the building and had our snacks indoors. I promised both my kids they could have hot chocolate next time. I have to admit, that little machine in the C.A.S building is fascinating. It even gives you a cup! Haha! My kids and I were all just flabbergasted by this thing!

But yeah, things were kind of stressful, and overwhelming for a little while, but that was only temporary. Everything is temporary. So yeah, things are good, and I’m feeling pretty confident I can make up for lost time in school. Nope, I’m not giving up. Sure I may be struggling in visual arts, but lets face it, I am very passionate about art. So it would be silly to consider dropping that. As for sociology. I am loving it, and learning a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m a conflict theorist. At least that’s the perspective I find easiest to write from. I find the functionalist perspective to be too passive. That’s the way it’s meant to be, kind of attitude. Umm…no. It doesn’t have to be.

This blog post is long enough, so I shall leave it at that. Enjoy, and thanks for reading all this babble that hides within my head. – Pooks

“Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person.”

– Unknown

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Toxic Poison

Okay, so my leg wasn’t fractured, but I am recovering from a severe sprain. Early this morning I realized I can put weight on my left foot, and a lot of the swelling has gone down. My leg is still very bruised.

Anyway, it’s been getting rather stressful since I’ve been injured, it has slowed me down, even immobilized me for awhile that things are just piling up.

Even though I have been missing my sociology classes, I have been doing my best to keep up at home. I’ve done a lot of reading through the text books, even a book I got from the public library book store, and writing down a shit load of notes. I have a mid-term coming up, so even though I missed some classes, I still want to be prepared and know my shit.

I am worried about my Art History writing assignment, as I have come to notice it is due on Thursday, and I’m still scavenging around for 10 articles that relate to each-other. Not sure how I’m going to pull that off. All the articles I have are very different from each-other. Finding 10 in common is a lot harder than it sounds. Not to mention I got to somehow relate them to what was discussed in class. 5 articles would be a lot easier than trying to find 10 or more. To make it more complicating, a lot of the articles being published lately, don’t relate to the articles I have. I’m not interested in Nazi’s, or the other articles that have been currently published. Honestly, I have been trying to narrow down my topic to something more specific, because my first idea was how artists mix the subject of art, with another subject of interest, such as philosophy, or poetry. That idea seemed a bit too broad. But I may have to steer back in that direction. Meaning, it’s all last minute, and hopefully I can get it in on time.

So yeah, I missed a week of school. I attempted to go that one day, I made it to 1 class out of 3, but apparently my weak little arms cannot support my weight that well on crutches. Legs are strong, arms are weak.

Anyway, I still need to pay rent, and now that it’s late I owe arrears, and if I don’t get that in by Friday, I’ll be kicked off the Board of Directors.

Last week I missed my visit with my kids because I couldn’t picture myself walking that long stretch between Fanshawe College, and the C.A.S building on Oxford Street on crutches. Today I missed my visit because my cab never showed up. For some stupid reason, after paying for the talk + messaging 40 rate plan with Telus, (which supposedly will allow me to have unlimited incoming calls, and unlimited evening and weekend outgoing calls) I couldn’t make a bloody phone call!! So I tried to send a text to the landline for a cab, and obviously that didn’t work. That was very upsetting, because I was all ready to go, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my kids, and I have done so due to inconvenient bullshit.

Last week I said this injury was a blessing, but since then, it’s been more of a curse.

To top it off, my supposed little sister texted me yesterday thinking she could kiss my ass. With this long sappy apology, that she obviously did not mean. That was made perfectly clear after her remark saying “I’m gonna live a good life. Good bye.” Like I’m not or something. Ya know what? Fuck her! Just a fake ass bitch. I’m sure my misfortunes will be putting a smirk on her face. Like my supposed mom, she never wants to see me succeed. She’s always comparing her life to mine. I was on welfare, and in low income housing. She looked down on that. I’m in school now, and still she looks down. She thinks her life is better than mine because she has a baby, and I don’t have my kids. Ugh! I hate that competitive bullshit. So not interested. Live your own damn life! Fuck, she even used shit that happened to me as an excuse to do crack. Umm.. it was my face that got smashed into the floor, not yours!

She’s not a good sister, not a good friend. Apologies mean jack shit from her. I mean, she is constantly trying to make me jealous. First, spreading her legs and going out with a high-school crush of mine. I even tested to see what she’d do by saying I liked someone, a friends ex, that use to hang out with an ex of mine. Yup, she went for him too. Haha! Fool.  That guy is pretty gross, and who knows how many freakin kids he’s the father of in London, Ontario. She even tried to make moves on my ex, like borrowing a skort ( Short skirt/ shorts) of mine, and bending over in front of him so he can look at her ass. Ugh! She’s just fuckin trashy. Not to mention she even tried to pimp me out to one of her crack buddies over the phone.

She tries to say she cares about me, yeah that’s bullshit. Never has, at least not since she lost her virginity. Then it became this “Treat Pauline like shit” bullshit.  Plus, I think her admitting that she had a friend stop her from punching me in the face, is probably the most honest she’s been. Thanks, the truth did hurt, but I’m over it now.

Then I have kids, and she pretends to give a shit about me. She treats my kids like pretty little objects. Even my son says that she was way too touchy. She would grab & pull him in to hug him, and kiss him without consent. And he did not like that. They are not objects to showcase, they are human beings. She was constantly trying to show them off like they were hers.

But whatever, I know better now. An apology means nothing from her. It’s just a manipulation tactic. She’s just a miniature version of my supposed mom. That ain’t pretty. She can go ahead and look down on me, just like my other haters. My ex wishes I were dead, one wants to “dig my grave”, and she wants to punch me in the face. Nothing new. My life will go on.

So yeah, I wasn’t too impressed of getting a text message from her one bit. As far as I’m concerned, she burned that bridge permanently when she rubbed the fact I lost my kids in my face. That’s just cruel. No bueno. I’m sure if it happened to her, she’d keep her dirty cock infested mouth shut to parents that have lost their children.

She was so obsessed with putting the name King into her son’s name. Who knows the fuck why! Is that supposed to impress me? No, as far as I’m concerned, were not related. Family doesn’t treat family as shitty as she’s been to me.

But whatever, I couldn’t care less if I never hear from her again. She is a toxic poison in my life.

I have a family as dysfunctional, sometimes, as it may be in the basement of the Ark Aid Street Mission.It is called the New School of Colour. That includes, the person I called a cockeyed red head. She surprised me last week with her kindness, so maybe I can let my guard down with her. Not entirely, but a bit. I’m still not interested in any involvement with whatever drama may be going on in her life. It’s none of my business, and I like it that way. When it comes to family,  there’s my children, even though I don’t see them as often. I’m very grateful for whenever I do get to see them. Those distant relatives that I choose to keep, and good friends like Julie, Kim, & Carol. It’s Julie’s birthday by the way, Happy Birthday!!

Things may currently be stressful. A bummed ankle doesn’t help. But that isn’t going to stop me from still trying my best. I refuse to lose my spot on the Board of Directors for First Nation Housing Co-op, especially after getting a huge compliment at the last meeting where they said I was good at what I do, and want to keep me around. I am busting my ass to keep up with school. It does suck that I haven’t seen my kids for 3 weeks now. The first week, a visit wasn’t scheduled because the staff was moving from one building to another. I will do my best to make up for lost time.I know I said that last week in an e-mail to C.A.S, but I seriously did try to make it today.

I am able to get around better, hopefully by next week, or the week after, I’ll be up and walking again. I’m not going to give up on myself just yet.My supposed sister may look down on my life, even though it isn’t that horrible. I am grateful for everything that has happened so far within these last 3 years. I am on a mission to bring my kids home (part-time), and to become an artist/author known as Pooks. I’ll get there wither I pass my courses or not. Anyway, it is rather pointless keeping people that don’t believe in you, or support you around. So yeah, no big loss there. – Pooks

“If you are going to be a doubter, I don’t need your negative energy.”- Stephen Richards

Thanks to a Shattered Leg

I am getting really sick and tired of people belittling my intelligence. I grew up with a supposed mom that treated me like I was stupid. Even my supposed sister uses it as an attack. Fellow activists have done the same if I oppose their opinions. My ex says I’m just just a retarded dip shit. And today, my old neighbor had the nerve to say to me; “UWO doesn’t teach retards.”

This neighbor is just anal because he isn’t getting laid. I can see why that is. Who the fuck would want to fuck, or be with that?! Yeah, I had some kinda fling with him years ago, and his son and my son used to be best-friends. But uggh…  I’m not the fuckin retard here. One of his insults was that I’m supposedly “loose”. If I was so horrible, than why the fuck is he contacting me after 3 years?!  Get a life!

Years ago, just after I lost my kids. Yeah, I got pretty careless. And this fling seemed fun at the time. It proved to me that my ex was wrong when he said that no one will ever want me. That I was just “damaged goods.” The thing is, that was years ago, Who I was then, is not who I am today. I admit I raised my standards pretty damn high since then, and I am observing and analyzing your every move.

He contacted me before Halloween, and yeah I can’t believe I was gonna give this guy a chance. On Halloween I had fallen and fucked up my leg. He thinks it’s just my foot. “Oh I’m so sorry you hurt you lil footsie!” ERRR!! Thanks for the sarcasm! There is not one bit of compassion or concern, he just cares about his LITTLE DICK getting wet. Yet I’m supposed to believe he’s a friend. HA! There is nothing more annoying than having a guy harass you for sex when you feel like your shin is on fire every time you so much as budge. It’s more than a foot injury, I’m pretty sure I fractured something in my leg.

So yeah, this injury is blessing. Thank you for showing me the real piece of shit he is. He’s not worth it.

Another guy shot down. Been shooting down a lot this past year or two.

Oh yeah, Another thing, he calls me a mouth piece. But I recall living next door to the guy, he was always swearing. So it’s okay for men to swear, but not women. Go fuck yourself!

As for a real friend, would be concerned about my well-being. So yeah, whatever. I did attempt to spice up my sex life, but if it wasn’t my busy schedule, it was an injury. And thanks to the injury for showing me that this guy isn’t worth my time. I’m glad something always came up. Otherwise I’d be regretting it right now. So yeah, when it comes to my sex-life, I think I’m better off waiting for the one that will be worth it. Someone that will actually give a shit about me, and my well-being.

Anyway, On Halloween, after I fell down a flight of stairs in front of the UCC. I somehow still managed to go door to door collecting non-perishable food items for the local food bank. I participated in this years Meal Exchange’s Trick or Eat. I’m still amazed I was able to walk 2 hours outside on my fucked up leg. But then again, I was pretty determined to participate, injury or not. The mind is capable of astounding things. It was a mind over body kind of thing.

I wouldn’t be able to do that today. After having some bed rest. I’ve been doing my best to stay off my leg, and I cannot even put pressure on it without a sharp burning feeling shoot up my shin.

I’ve decided that tomorrow will be the day I go to the Emerg at the Hospital. I think Monday is less likely to be as busy as they would be over the weekend. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a pretty little cast to decorate. Unfortunately that means I miss another day of class, and I’m not even sure my health is covered anymore. I’m no longer on OW. NNEC asked me to opt out of UWO’s health plan so they wouldn’t be getting billed. As for my status card, it’s expired. The two days I can renew it, are Mondays and Wednesdays at Oneida. Meaning, I would have to miss even more classes just to get it. But I need to do something about my leg now, before anything else. So, covered or not, I’ll be going to the hospital.

Speaking of no longer being on OW. I did get an offer to continue with Leads, but it sounds like I would have to start over with a new worker, so I declined. If I’m going to have to start fresh, I might as well start fresh using the resources available within the University.

After my last Leads appointment, I did leave in shock. My OW worker said that that was probably the last time I will see them. Her and my Leads worker. I am proud of myself, but since those two have been so supportive, it is sad to have to let go.

I got 50% on my Art History mid-term. I know I can do better than that. But like my worker at Indigenous Services said, it is better than 45%. Plus, most of my final grade will come from the writing assignment. I better make it good.

I am enjoying school, and all the experiences that come with it. I don’t need some lonely, horny, single dad in the Limberlost ghetto belittling me, let alone anyone else. I have accomplished a lot these last 3 years, and I will continue to do my best.

Hopefully I won’t have to cancel my visit with my kids on Tuesday. Doctor appointments can drag on for days. Go here, go there. So on and so forth. A part of me is hoping they can do whatever the heck they need to do, all at the hospital. Including X-rays. But if I recall, you normally get sent else where, on another day, for an x-ray.

Anyway, one more evening to get through, and it’s off to see a doctor. I currently have my leg wrapped in two leotards on my shin, and a wool wrap-around-belt fastened tightly on my ankle. I had to improvise, since I do not own a tenser bandage. To get around the house, I’ve been using the office chair. Thank goodness it has wheels! I have no idea how I will climb into a cab tomorrow, I might be hopping on one foot.

Once again, I’m starting to think ahead of myself. I thought yesterday was Sunday. Whatever, I’m going to lie back down, and elevate my leg. Things will work out. I might fall behind, but I am more than capable to catch back up. I’m not fuckin retarded like all these people keep accusing me of being! And I’m so sick of people treating me, or labeling me like I am! Seriously, it’s pissing me off. Not in the way they hope, where I suddenly let everything crash and burn. But in the way where I feel motivated by anger. Stay the fuck out of my way!

– Pooks