So for the past week, even though people have asked how I’m doing, I answer with; I’m fine. Which is not necessarily the case. It’s become a habit to answer “I’m fine” over the years. Ya know? Growing up, my ma would ask: how was your day ?, and I would say ” fine”, wither it was true or not. Because let’s face it, she couldn’t really give a crap, she’ll cut me off anyway, and just to go back talking about herself. So, this habit has been with me for a long time. Just answer “I’m fine”, nobody really gives a fuck anyways.
Counseling went well. We browsed through her notes over the last 6 months and realized a significant rapid change within my thinking.
But I think that sort of thinking has gone a bit downhill. I’ve been feeling blue lately. I haven’t been to school for the past week, and one day. But then again, my motivation has shifted from that to getting my home looking like a student dorm room, and turning it into something more family friendly. Soon I’ll be able to have my children visit. There was supposed to be a 7 hour visit last Saturday, but since London got hit with a lot of snow, that kind of messed things up due to weather.
School…It’s starting to get depressing. Not only do I know I’m not doing well, and am barely passing. It’s like I have to put my heart and soul on the shelf, and work like an emotionless robot. It’s been difficult for me. I mean, everything I do, I do with passion. But when it comes to university, it’s like screw passion, just do what you’re told. It’s almost like I am selling my soul. So, I feel I’ve been given an option, either do what your told and be miserable, or do what you want to do? And poof! I went on hiatus for awhile, making appearances only at the New School of Colour because there I can actually create WHAT I WANT.
I mean, even visual arts has become a chore. There is no passion in it. It’s not like high-school where teachers give you that freedom to be creative, and actually inspire your imagination. In university, you must produce the same thing as everyone else. It’s more like a industrialized factory.
I keep thinking about my first sociology essay, and how the note on it said that I need to think more critically, without my values and morals.
Yet, that kind of goes against what my counselor and I have been discussing. When we talked it was like she was saying that it was my thoughts and my values that got me to where I am. Maybe so, but should a person like me really possess that kind of power? I mean, if my thoughts are that powerful, I can do a lot of damage. Then again, when I think about past events, I already have. If my thoughts are that powerful, why would I want to inflict pain amongst myself? Why did I?
Back to the whole school thing. So not only am I realizing that the school is a system to conform. I’m not so easy to conform into this world apparently. Maybe I’m not meant to be molded into what’s supposedly ideal. Maybe there is a very good reason why I can’t be. Each attempt society has thrown at me has failed.
I am a free-spirit, and if I want to wander, I wander.
Some people are probably just dying to jump on the chance and accuse me of laziness. Or they’ll say grow up, take responsibility, when what they are really telling me to do is; “conform”. That’s the real translation.
I already know what I am, I think I’ve known since I was 4 or 5 years old. To try to get me to write, and create art without my soul is preposterous!
I mean, even in Art history, who the heck are we discussing?! The freakin Capitalists! Pop Culture is basically what Capitalists call art. Fuck them. They aren’t going to decide wither my art is art! I am going to say it is art, and YOU are going to believe me. Capiche?
I will dust off this week and one day off, and try again. Ya know? Make a presence. But I don’t want to conform. I don’t want to fit into the system. So why am I there? To try to learn how to change it, possibly. You can’t change something if you don’t know how it began, or how it works. So yeah, consider me a glitch in your system. Haha! The stubborn glitch.
But then again, I have a history of being that difficult student. That one that frustrates teachers to get me to participate. To get my homework done. To pay attention and stop doodling and day dreaming. That student that runs late to class. Etc, etc. Just a constant pain in the ass because I live in a world within my own head.
Anyway, other things that have gotten me down lately. I don’t know how some activists do it. From sun rise, to sun set, they are none stop. I don’t know how they can expose themselves to so much negativity in the news without it having an affect on them. After awhile, it gets me depressed. I can only take in so much negativity before it starts to poison me, and my thoughts. So kudos to the people that can do that. I applaud your strength.
That reminds me, there was a silent protest at the university outside of a senate meeting. Students/ protesters were speaking out about the devaluing of the Art’s and Humanity programs, including social & science programs. Why does that not surprise me? Harper wants to take science out, let’s face it, science is a threat to him. It reveals the truth, and with science other energy resources can be invented, that aren’t as harmful as oil. But no no no, oil is too profitable, get rid of science instead. Take out any threat and competition. As for arts, take out any thing that might inspire creativity, imagination, and create crazy new idea’s that may change things. So yeah, all the courses I’m currently in are being devalued, and are possibly being threatened to being taken away from the students. So I’m wondering, what’s the freakin point if the government is just going to try to take it away anyway?
It seems like I gotta fight for every aspect in my life. Treaties, my children’s future and their future environment, education, soon all the co-ops might have to be fighting for their homes possibly!!
Yeah, I was feeling blue, but now I’m just pissed off! This little glitch will return to the factory of sheep molding tomorrow. Not to blend in, but to learn how to fuck shit up!! Even though they just gave away some of the answers. Just look at everything the government forbids; Science, Arts & Humanities, Social Science…Or how about what they won’t let activists do? Especially recently. It get’s more and more ridiculous. No masks! No feathers! Drums get considered as weapons. Seriously? Haha! Just goes to show how cowardly they are, scared of a little homemade drum are ya?
So after some thought, and writing it out, it is nice that I am back to my happy, giggly self. Perhaps I just needed to get it out of my system.
Not to mention, I think my moon-time has played it’s part with this temporary blue phase. Not entirely, but it’s added to my gloom. I always become saddened just before it. But as always, the phase goes by, and I move on.
I didn’t see my kids last week, but hopefully I will this Saturday. They are what I look forward to. That, and writing whatever the heck I want, and painting whatever the heck I want.
I think something that freaked me out at counseling was when I was skeptical about one person being able to change the world around them, my counselor mentioned Martin Luther King J.R. I don’t know what she see’s in me, but it sounds bigger than just a glitch.
Thanks for taking the time to read the cobwebs that intertwine within my mind. Maybe you agree, maybe you don’t agree. One thing’s for sure, my mind is crazy freakin place. Just by you reading this proves that thought in the beginning of this post, that nobody gives a fuck, is wrong. Miigwech! – Pooks
“You are human, so stop acting as if though you are a sheep and start thinking for yourself.”- Stephen Richards
