A Glitch in a Sheep Molding Factory

So for the past week, even though people have asked how I’m doing, I answer with; I’m fine. Which is not necessarily the case. It’s become a habit to answer “I’m fine” over the years. Ya know? Growing up, my  ma would ask: how was your day ?, and I would say ” fine”, wither it was true or not. Because let’s face it, she couldn’t really give a crap, she’ll cut me off anyway, and just to go back talking about herself. So, this habit has been with me for a long time. Just answer “I’m fine”, nobody really gives a fuck anyways.

Counseling went well. We browsed through her notes over the last 6 months and realized a significant rapid change within my thinking.

But I think that sort of thinking has gone a bit downhill. I’ve been feeling blue lately. I haven’t been to school for the past week, and one day. But then again, my motivation has shifted from that to getting my home looking like a student dorm room, and turning it into something more family friendly. Soon I’ll be able to have my children visit. There was supposed to be a 7 hour visit last Saturday, but since London got hit with a lot of snow, that kind of messed things up due to weather.

School…It’s starting to get depressing. Not only do I know I’m not doing well, and am barely passing. It’s like I have to put my heart and soul on the shelf, and work like an emotionless robot. It’s been difficult for me. I mean, everything I do, I do with passion. But when it comes to university, it’s like screw passion, just do what you’re told. It’s almost like I am selling my soul. So, I feel I’ve been given an option, either do what your told and be miserable, or do what you want to do? And poof! I went on hiatus for awhile, making appearances only at the New School of Colour because there I can actually create WHAT I WANT.

I mean, even visual arts has become a chore. There is no passion in it. It’s not like high-school where teachers give you that freedom to be creative, and actually inspire your imagination. In university, you must produce the same thing as everyone else. It’s more like a industrialized factory.

I keep thinking about my first sociology essay, and how the note on it said that I need to think more critically, without my values and morals.

Yet, that kind of goes against what my counselor and I have been discussing. When we talked it was like she was saying that it was my thoughts and my values that got me to where I am. Maybe so, but should a person like me really possess that kind of power? I mean, if my thoughts are that powerful, I can do a lot of damage. Then again, when I think about past events, I already have. If my thoughts are that powerful, why would I want to inflict pain amongst myself? Why did I?

Back to the whole school thing. So not only am I realizing that the school is a system to conform. I’m not so easy to conform into this world apparently. Maybe I’m not meant to be molded into what’s supposedly ideal. Maybe there is a very good reason why I can’t be. Each attempt society has thrown at me has failed.

I am a free-spirit, and if I want to wander, I wander.

Some people are probably just dying to jump on the chance and accuse me of laziness. Or they’ll say grow up, take responsibility, when what they are really telling me to do is; “conform”. That’s the real translation.

I already know what I am, I think I’ve known since I was 4 or 5 years old. To try to get me to write, and create art without my soul is preposterous!

I mean, even in Art history, who the heck are we discussing?! The freakin Capitalists! Pop Culture is basically what Capitalists call art. Fuck them. They aren’t going to decide wither my art is art! I am going to say it is art, and YOU are going to believe me. Capiche?

I will dust off this week and one day off, and try again. Ya know? Make a presence. But I don’t want to conform. I don’t want to fit into the system. So why am I there? To try to learn how to change it, possibly. You can’t change something if you don’t know how it began, or how it works. So yeah, consider me a glitch in your system. Haha! The stubborn glitch.

But then again, I have a history of being that difficult student. That one that frustrates teachers to get me to participate. To get my homework done. To pay attention and stop doodling and day dreaming. That student that runs late to class. Etc, etc. Just a constant pain in the ass because I live in a world within my own head.

Anyway, other things that have gotten me down lately. I don’t know how some activists do it. From sun rise, to sun set, they are none stop. I don’t know how they can expose themselves to so much negativity in the news without it having an affect on them. After awhile, it gets me depressed. I can only take in so much negativity before it starts to poison me, and my thoughts. So kudos to the people that can do that. I applaud your strength.

That reminds me, there was a silent protest at the university outside of a senate meeting. Students/ protesters were speaking out about the devaluing of the Art’s and Humanity programs, including social & science programs. Why does that not surprise me? Harper wants to take science out, let’s face it, science is a threat to him. It reveals the truth, and with science other energy resources can be invented, that aren’t as harmful as oil. But no no no, oil is too profitable, get rid of science instead. Take out any threat and competition. As for arts, take out any thing that might inspire creativity, imagination, and create crazy new idea’s that may change things. So yeah, all the courses I’m currently in are being devalued, and are possibly being threatened to being taken away from the students. So I’m wondering, what’s the freakin point if the government is just going to try to take it away anyway?

It seems like I gotta fight for every aspect in my life. Treaties, my children’s future and their future environment, education, soon all the co-ops might have to be fighting for their homes possibly!!

Yeah, I was feeling blue, but now I’m just pissed off! This little glitch will return to the factory of sheep molding tomorrow. Not to blend in, but to learn how to fuck shit up!! Even though they just gave away some of the answers. Just look at everything the government forbids; Science, Arts & Humanities, Social Science…Or how about what they won’t let activists do? Especially recently. It get’s more and more ridiculous. No masks! No feathers! Drums get considered as weapons. Seriously? Haha! Just goes to show how cowardly they are, scared of a little homemade drum are ya?

So after some thought, and writing it out, it is nice that I am back to my happy, giggly self. Perhaps I just needed to get it out of my system.

Not to mention, I think my moon-time has played it’s part with this temporary blue phase. Not entirely, but it’s added to my gloom. I always become saddened just before it. But as always, the phase goes by, and I move on.

I didn’t see my kids last week, but hopefully I will this Saturday. They are what I look forward to. That, and writing whatever the heck I want, and painting whatever the heck I want.

I think something that freaked me out at counseling was when I was skeptical about one person being able to change the world around them, my counselor mentioned Martin Luther King J.R. I don’t know what she see’s in me, but it sounds bigger than just a glitch.

Thanks for taking the time to read the cobwebs that intertwine within my mind. Maybe you agree, maybe you don’t agree. One thing’s for sure, my mind is crazy freakin place. Just by you reading this proves that thought in the beginning of this post, that nobody gives a fuck, is wrong. Miigwech! – Pooks

“You are human, so stop acting as if though you are a sheep and start thinking for yourself.”- Stephen Richards


An Open Letter to Society.

#Truth Definitely a must read – Pooks

Chris Martin Writes

You’ve seen me. I’m the man standing at the intersection holding a small, poorly written message on a cardboard sign. I’m the woman peering into your window at the stop light, hoping you will reach out your hand and drop some change into mine. Most people don’t even have the decency to look me directly in the eye. Are you frightened of me? Are you so engrossed in your own personal world that you don’t notice me? Or, is it something else? Has the cold reality of indifference permeated the very fiber of every human being not sleeping on the streets?

I understand you don’t know me. You see me as a complete stranger, begging for money or cigarettes. Granted, there are some who wander around mooching off others simply because they lack the desire to wake up every morning and go into work. Having figured out that wearing old…

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By pooks82

Possessed by Creativity

Besides school, and getting absolutely frustrated with this wire sculpture I’ve been working on for my Visual Arts class, I think things are good. Had to scrap my first idea with my wire sculpture, so I’ll be needing more of that really thick wire, which is difficult to bend, and somehow incorporate it into what I have so far. Yeah, my first idea , I have no idea what I was thinking. The thing needs to be able to stand on it’s base. And yeah, my first idea was kinda flimsy. The assignment is to create a self portrait out of wire. I had a slow start, not entirely sure what I was going to do. But after some brainstorming, I dove in and got started. Finally, my imagination kicked in, and I got more idea’s as I went along.

But yeah, besides that… I’ve been told that the New School of Colour is starting to get work prepared for Up With Art 2014. So hopefully I can get something completed for that, and yeah, Pooks can return to Up with Art. The last time I participated in that event was back in 2012, and even though my art did not sell, it did turn some heads. Haha!

I think my art getting a reaction is more satisfying than being sold anyways. I don’t do it for money. I create art simply because I love it. That, and it helps me pass any negativity within me that I’ve been holding, or that’s been passed on, and out onto a canvas turning it into something else entirely. It turns all that negativity into a positive through creating. It’s like my body becomes a portal of energy, and I transfer it into the art. I used to think negativity or anger were my muse, but there have been times where I’m not filled with those things, and I’m like; “Now what do I do?” What I ended up doing was focusing on other feelings. When I think about my kids, or what makes me happy it changes my art, which I found interesting. So I’ve experimented a bit with that, love, anger, and what it does to my art.

Although, I think the painting I was working on last Monday, it started off as a nice scenery, but then in the river bend I was painting came out a creepy hand in the water of this painting. So I think my subconscious took over, and that the music I was listening to had influenced that. I wasn’t planning for it to be there, it kind of created itself. Almost like I was possessed or something. Haha! Sounds crazy, but I don’t know how else to describe it. For a bit there, I was starting to think; “Everything I touch turns out creepy”. But that’s not true, I think back to other art pieces I’ve created, and that proves otherwise. I have created some nicer things that aren’t so dark.

Anyway, I will attempt to get something done for Up with Art, I will try to work on a bigger canvas. My only concern is my pace, wither or not I’ll get it done on time.

In other parts of my life, such as my children, I finally have an intake appointment booked, so my visits will soon go from Tuesdays for 2 hours, to Saturdays for 7 hours. I’m really excited about that.

Tomorrow I will be volunteering, helping serve dinner at the Ark Aid Street Mission, along with other New School of Colour artists. I haven’t really grabbed any hours lately for The Arts Project. Hours are e-mailed to floaters around the beginning of the month, and floaters kind of gotta respond fast to grab their hours. It’s kinda like a silent auction I find. It’s kinda funny. Not only are do we dress like ninjas, all in black attire, but we gotta be quick like ninjas as well. Anyways, I haven’t volunteered at The Arts Project lately because I wanted to wait until I knew more of what my schedule will be like when it comes to my children. Now that I kinda know, I know that my Tuesdays, and Fridays are open. At least until March 21st. Which by then, my schedule changes, and Fridays won’t be available. So maybe next month I sign myself up to be a floater for events, we’ll see.

My Sociology class had me thinking, especially on the topic of education, and how the Professor said that the University was like a “gate keeper”. Gate keeper to what? Employment? I’m sorry if I seem kind of skeptical about that. But with today’s economy, there are no jobs. Especially in London. Employers only hire people within their circle of friends. So if your a hermit like me, your shit out of luck. Better off chasing a crazy dream, then hoping your one of the lucky few that get picked from the herd for employment that you know deep down you’re not meant to do. I’m quite happy volunteering, or writing, which I don’t even get paid for. Or creating art, which I seldom do get paid for. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe there is something to gain from an education. It’s not to blend into the system, but to learn knowledge that could come handy in other aspects. I wanted to learn about the world around me, and that’s exactly what I’m getting.

They also mentioned that education was basically for “social control”. So not only do we have churches, the government, the media, and whoever the fuck else telling you how to think. I’ve come to realize that it is all to conform. Why do we need to conform? So that we don’t use our creativity and imaginations and come up with crazy idea’s that may change things? So that we follow the flock and go to school, get a job, and make money for the Capitalists? So that we are convinced that mistakes are sins and feel guilty and ashamed of our mistakes, rather than learning from our mistakes and evolving? So that we remain idle and stagnant? We’re supposed to be okay with this? You’d have to be pretty damn ignorant to be okay with that.

Not only is the song “Smash the Control Machine” by Otep ringing though my head. But I am feeling rather grateful that the Idle No More, and Occupy movements exist.

Plus, browsing through the news lately, it’s kind of exciting to see Neil Young has woken up to what’s going on, and he is now on board. I think it’s pretty damn cool that he is having an “Honour the Treaties” tour. I respect him for that.

So yeah, Sociology has definitely got me thinking about some things. Thank you UWO. – Pooks

“They say we must submit and be one with the machine because the Kingdom of Fear needs compliance to succeed.“- Otep Shamaya

2013 in review

It’s a bit late to be posting this. But these are fun. Thanks to all those who joined in on the tour within my head. Miigwech! – Pooks

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 23 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Super Star

Well it’s been more than a week since my last post. Sorry about that. But if you haven’t noticed, I don’t do very well with routines. At least I’m trying.

This last week has been very tiring. School has started up again for the second term, and yeah. It’s been busy. I find myself falling asleep on the bus on the way home, or I’d be home, lie down to watch a movie, and yeah, I’d fall asleep. Even though I may be exhausted, I have to admit, it is exciting.

My classes are pretty much the same, except my Art History class is about arts, media, and popular culture this term. Last term it was about art and power.

I had court on Thursday, and no, I still don’t get joint custody. Although I don’t see why not? I am being given the rights to obtain all educational, medical, and religious records of our children. I have the right to be fully advised of our children’s progress in school, including having the right to have direct contact with all school authorities. I get to receive all copies of report cards, notices of school events, be advised by health care providers about the health and general welfare of our children, and to obtain all medical records. Not to mention, I’ve been given more unsupervised access for longer periods of time, rather than just 2 hours. I’ll be getting Saturdays from 10am- 5pm January 11th – March 1st. Saturday 10am – Sunday 5pm on March 8th & 15th. And on March 21st and every third Friday thereafter I can pick them up from school, and spend time with them until 8pm.

C.A.S is out of the picture…kinda. I said that before, but they stayed involved awhile longer. Supervised exchanges will take place at Merrymount. So in order for that to happen, our C.A.S file needs to be closed. At least that’s what the staff at Merrymount told me a year ago, and that I will need legal documentation stating that CAS is no longer involved. So I will probably have to do an intake all over again.

Honestly, I think the only reason my ex refuses to grant me joint custody, is because he fears I will run off with the kids. Umm… no. It is pretty obvious they have adjusted to the way things are now. Just because he ran off with the kids, doesn’t mean I would sink to the same low level as he did. I’m not him. I’d like to think I am better than that. I do think about our children’s best interest, and I do not wish for them to have to go through all that all over again. Unlike my ex, who wasn’t thinking about our children’s best interest, he was thinking with his crotch. Yeah, that whole attempt of using the children as leverage did not work.  That’s a form of abuse by the way. Just saying. It’s not good for the kids, and it’s not good for me either. The only good it did, was blow his chances permanently.

So no, I did not get joint custody, but I’m not giving up. I will continue to request it until everyone gets sick of me. The way things are going, I might as well be granted that. Why do I want joint custody? To have my parental rights on paper, something that says that I too am a legal parent, and so that my ex cannot pull the same jack-assery he has in the past. I mean without it, he can still power trip, and that is no bueno. I’ve had it with his bullshit. Matter of fact, I don’t put up with anyone’s bullshit. My tolerance has seriously decreased, and I think I made that clear over the years. Ahem, the number of people I’ve kicked to the curb for their negativity, abusive traits, or freakin drama. Yeah, not interested. Been there, done that, moving on.

But let’s face it, If I hadn’t gone through all that shit, would I be in University student today? Would I have ever become a New School of Colour Artist? I do have a sense of pride being not just any artist, but a New School of Colour artist. Would I have met all the amazing people I have met along the way? If it weren’t for those not so good experiences, and lessons the hard way, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So maybe it’s the way it’s meant to be. Just go with it, see where it takes me. I am a step closer to my goal of weekends. I’ll have my children over night for at least 2 Saturdays. It’s a start. I just need to continue to be the awesome mom I know I am, my children’s super star! \m/ – Pooks

p.s. Big thanks to my lawyer who has stuck by my side from the start, and put up with, and supported my stubborn ass. Haha! But you know what they say, persistent people are successful people, and I will never give up.

“I don’t worry about the haters… They are just angry because the truth I speak contradicts the lie they live.”- Steve Maraboli