The Mechanical Reflection I Despise

Honestly, if it weren’t for my children, I’d say let humanity destroy themselves, humans are a naive and  stupid species anyway.

If you haven’t noticed, I have been feeling rather dark lately, angry, filled with hatred, and even depressed. More or less feeling rather powerless lately.

Unity, it’s a beautiful dream, but will never cease to exist as long as religion, and capitalism, and this thought that some people are more superior than others remain. I mean seriously? It’s 2014. Why the fuck do we even have a Royal family?? Kings and Queens are medieval ancient shit. Have they really done anything for their supposed kingdom? I mean, besides living their lives relishing in their wealth while millions bust their ass for barely anything.

Oh, and it seems like the religious people are the most naive. They got it in their heads that this is the way it’s meant to be, but no, this is the way their passive selves let it be. So yeah, they are kind of getting on my nerves.

Besides that, I keep telling myself I’m going to make it to school today. But then I don’t. I am letting my education slide through my fingers. Do I really want to participate in this system of conformity? Not really. Not to mention that every time I do attend, it just makes me hate capitalism even more. It is turning into a rather depressing experience. The more I learn, the more angry or sad I feel for humanity.

Perhaps this spiral began with that wire sculpture project. I was doing fine, but then, I disliked looking at this metal sculpture that was supposed to represent me made up of metal parts. I am not a machine. But that is the whole purpose of education, to mold you into the system so you work like a machine.

I find myself asking if it’s really worth draining my energy over. Is it really worth stressing over? A number on a piece of paper? So that in the future I might get more paper with more numbers on it. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am supposed to want that. But I don’t.

I don’t function based on a clock. I function based on creativity and inspiration, which can happen at any spontaneous moment. Such as the other day, I was sitting here at the computer, and boom. A poem came to mind and I rushed to find paper and pen to jot it down. Those words needed to be written, and seen. My body is merely just a portal.


Another thing, I tend to do things at my own pace. So even though I may not be with the rest of the class, it’s not like I’m not learning. I just don’t do anything in an orderly fashion once so ever. To boot, I have the natural tendency to make things 10 times harder for myself in a sadistic kind of way. If I don’t create my own struggle, what the fuck am I learning?

I just can’t help but think, with all the shit is happening in the world today, I feel like my energy needs to be conserved for something else. Plus, I always hear people say “Do what makes you happy.” Well, conformity is not it.  Matter of fact, this whole education thing has become quite a miserable experience. Not so great as it is made out to be.

Honestly, I doubt I will ever be able to be molded into the system. It can get frustrating. Somewhat saddening because I’m not a part of something. But do I really want to be a part of that? Honestly, I feel like I’m not meant to be.

So excuse me if I feel rather pessimistic lately. Gloomy, kind of hopeless, and powerless. I have a habit to look outside of myself, rather than within. Observing the chaos I have no control over.

I was going to go help construct this 30 foot snake to bring to protests against oil and pipelines. But I didn’t even do that. I just feel anti-social, and I don’t want to be around people.

People will just continue to slave away, drive their cars, go to school, go to work,  go to church. Ignore and deny the bigger picture. Not everyone is going to wake up. Perhaps that’s what is getting me down. I can dream of a world without poverty, money, and oil. A world of unity. But it will never exist as long as people remain ignorant. And as long as religion and Capitalism exist, there will always be sexism, racism, hate towards gay people, war based on greed, etc. There will always be barriers making it impossible for people to see that people are just people. The Royal Family is no different than you and I, they are just people. The Capitalists are no different than you and I, they are just people. To the people in suits and uniforms, they are just people!! The list goes on and on. Every single one of you are just people!! But no, let’s create illusions that some are better than others for whatever stupid reason. Bullshit!

It’s a shame how easy people are manipulated. Just a bunch of mindless sheep that would rather be told what to do, and what to think, than think for themselves. Too blind to see that an education, and religion are part of a system to control what you think. I believe they call it “social order”. The 1% are the shepherds, and millions are gullible sheep.

But that’s the way it’s meant to be, right? Fuck you! – Pooks

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”- Gloria Steinem

Beauty in Diversity

What to write about? Well for starters, I can start off with the latest accusation, which would be of me supposedly being a witch. My daughter seems to think I am, and where else could she be getting these crazy accusations besides from her father, who just loves to accuse me of everything in the book. I guess he can’t really spread rumors or talk to his friends much anymore, so why not engage in this behavior with our kids?! Yup, he’s a real piece of work that one.

So here it goes. If you have been following my blog you may have noticed that I have drifted away from organized religions and churches. Especially after being mocked in front of a church by a pastor for thinking. For questioning. For imagining other possibilities.

Then I got into sociology, and realize it is just another part of the system, to conform and control the masses. As long as they have you thinking that a next life will be promised to those who are obedient, they have control. Who are they? All those in power. Your Queen, The Pope, The President, the Prime Minister, The Federal Reserve Banks, the CEO’s, ect. That 1% that is wealthy, and live off of your slavery. If you don’t abide by their “value system”, you’re supposedly going to hell. That make-belief fear gets drilled into our heads when we are young.

You are not allowed to think for yourself. You are not allowed to ask questions. You are not allowed to use your imagination. Why? That could change things. An active imagination is seen as a threat to the way things are.

Religious organizations are no different than  corporate businesses. The only difference is that their product is completely imaginary. The promise of eternal life. There is no guarantee. You’re just expected to believe and hand your money over.

There is no evidence proving there is an eternal life after you die, nor is there evidence proving otherwise. The only evidence there is really, is that your body becomes fertilizer, and becomes a part of Mother Earth.

So why risk it? Why waste your life slaving away like you have another life waiting for you? What if you don’t? The way I see it, you might as well do what you know in your heart you were meant to do. Wither that be music, art, dancing, inventing, teaching, writing, etc. We all have this desire that we need to leave behind a legacy, to leave our mark in the world.  The only thing stopping you would be this made up system that only benefits that 1%. Fuck them! You know you weren’t put on this earth to work, and slave for them, you were meant for something greater. You’re only on this planet for so long, in your physical form of body and flesh. You might as well do all that you can do while you’re here, just saying. Your time is limited, and your clock is ticking.

For example,  I went on hiatus, and got a book published on Lulu. I know in my heart that I am an artist and a writer, and when I feel the need to create something, I feel inspired, I put everything down in order to do it. Or I put time aside to do it. But in this case, I said fuck everything, I know this needs to be created. Now I am a published author. Yay!  Of coarse I won’t be making any money off of it, I gave up my earnings to bring the price down to something more affordable for others. Money wasn’t the purpose of this anyway. The point was to get my name, and work out there, and I did.

Anyway, back to religion. I’m not a witch. Matter of fact, I don’t even know what to call myself other than spiritual. I think labeling myself to a specific religion only creates barriers, and divides people. It’s one of those “invisible lines” we create in our minds that I have mentioned in a previous blog post.

After doing an essay assignment for sociology, I noticed that religion teaches people to hate each-other, or hate those outside of their religion, or ethnicity, or sexual preference. I don’t want to be a part of that.  Browsing through the news you see people setting people on fire because of the religion they choose. Or you get taught to fear people in other countries because your damn book tells you that that country will be the gateway of the Anti-Christ, or some bullshit like that. Sounds like ancient racism to me.

So, I would rather not label myself, and just say I am a spiritual being. A spiritual wanderer. I find there is too much hatred in religion, I’d rather be something that is more accepting.  I feel a strong bond with nature, which is why I feel I must stand up and defend it with Idle No More.

Not to mention, When it comes to the gay/ lesbian/ trans-gender/ bi/ androgynous  people, I think they are most likely to be the closest to understand what First Nation people experience when it comes to discrimination. So I respect them. Plus, I have relatives, and friends that are gay, and they are some of the sweetest people I know. Not to forget that I have always had this fascination with androgyny. Thank you Diana Thorneycroft, for turning androgyny into a fascinating art. Even I play with the gender roles as an artist. Or how I present myself in general.

I think that when it comes to the old customs, such as religion,  people fail to see the beauty in diversity. – Pooks

“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.”- Andy Warhol

Check that off on the Bucket List

No long post today. Unless I can try this again later, we’ll see. But for now, I will leave you with a little surprise that I put together that kept me up all night last night. I can finally say I did one thing I said I was going to do. Been saying I’d do this since I was a kid. So here it is! Just click on the link below. 🙂 – Pooks

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”- Mandy Hale


Love, Sex, and Coffee

I guess as I take a break from studying, I can write up a post. I’m sure the title of this post has caught your attention. Haha! So here it goes…on with the blog!

Last Saturday I actually got to bring my children home for a visit. That was awesome. Although challenging when it comes to entertainment. I don’t want them staring at a screen all day. I don’t have cable, satellite, or any video game systems. Just my computer. As for toys, I have their old stuff, which they aren’t really interested in much.  My son out grew his Spiderman phase. We watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, played hide n seek, I helped my daughter with a puzzle, they threw some punches at a small punching bag, and played with an acoustic guitar. Maybe next time I will break out the paint, and we could give something we used to do when they were younger and create something together. I like to try to encourage them to use their imaginations. I know my son likes building things, and I do have some cardboard boxes stored away. So maybe I can get him to help me build a fort or something. So rather than all these games having to do with zombies, death and destruction (which are video-game inspired), why not encourage the opposite, which is being constructive and creating? There’s a brilliant idea! Well done Pooks! Muy bueno! I just came up with 2 creative ideas, a painting project, and building a fort. I have plans set for this upcoming Saturday!

As I mentioned earlier, I am studying. I have an exam Friday morning, but I also have an art exhibition, along with other members of the New School of Colour at Western University called Westerns got Talent. That’s pretty exciting. Apparently one of my paintings is already there on display, but it will be added to the show. Along with another art piece I’ve done. So I’ll have 2 art pieces in the exhibition. The show is a fundraiser for the New School of Colour, so  that we can continue to do what we love to do, create art. It will be at 7pm in the Mustang Lounge at the University. So that’s pretty cool.

I guess we have a number of shows we’re preparing for, that being one. Up with Art 2014, being another. Cross my fingers and hope I can get something completed in time. I think I have an outfit picked out already, all I need now is a completed art piece. Haha!

What else? I did go on a coffee date with a man. That’s all I’m saying about that. It’s a shocker considering I have quite the record over these last 3 years of shooting men down. But I figured it must have taken a lot of courage to ask me in the first place, so reward that effort with my presence. I admire the courage, wither or not it goes anywhere from there or not. If anything, I made a new friend. It’s way too soon to say it’s anything else. I’m not nose diving into shit, and I’m in no rush.

It seems like a couple of my friends are trying to set me up with their friends or family. But ultimately, it is I who has that choice.

I’d like to think I’m pretty independent, it’s not like I NEED a man in my life to feel complete. Plus, I like my space. And if I were to be dating someone, they’d have to be able to respect that. I’m not a needy person  that needs to have someone around 24/7. Honestly, I think too much time with someone tends to drive me nuts to the point I get annoyed, irritated, and if it’s constant, then I get resentful. I’ll get sick of looking at your face. Haha! Harsh, but it’s true. So yeah, space is very important to me. My alone time, where I can be trusted to do whatever the fuck I want, which is normally to be creative in one form or another, wither it be writing, or art. Not that I can’t create with others around, I obviously can. I mean, I do so at school and at the New School of Colour. But on my own, it is more personal, it’s more like my time to meditate in a way, or reflect. I cherish those moments. Just spending time with myself. I mean, it could even be one of those long ass walks I go for, taking pictures of whatever catches my eye. Or not even taking pictures during a walk, just walking under the moon. Sure having company would be entertaining, but not as peaceful as when I go out alone. It feels like a spiritual thing. Ya know? Like it’s nurturing my spirit or something.

Besides, I think a partner would need to require a lot of patience considering I have a long history of abuse. They would need to understand that I am trying to break a cycle, that I don’t really know a relationship without it, and it’s an ongoing learning process trying to unlearn the way I was raised, besides the friendships I’ve made over the last 3 years. Although those relationships aren’t really as intimate. Not only that, but I go through minor waves of depression from time to time, and I’m a worry wart that experiences anxiety and the odd panic attack. Not to mention, during my moon time I become so emotional, the stupidest things make me cry. I normally like to be alone on my moon time, especially the first 2 days,  because if I’m not crying, than I’m a raging lunatic.

Now if that doesn’t scare some people away, I don’t what will. Haha! I swear, sometimes I deliberately go out of my way to try to turn people off. Such as wearing a skirt, with a mustache painted on my face. Dressing more masculine, not showing my figure, to cutting all my hair off. So on and so forth. I don’t know. Sometimes I get a kick out of the reaction of others. Perhaps I just love to shock people just for the hell of it. But that’s just the artist in me, playing. Society becomes my playground, and I mess with your everyday perspectives of what is considered the norm.

But then again, maybe I am attempting to turn myself into art just like Marilyn Manson, and David Bowie (and his various personas). Something about that intrigues me. They not only create art, they are the art. Fascinating.

That’s another thing. A partner will have to be able to handle humility, and possible embarrassment, because I will feel compelled to do the most outrageous random things. For example, the last guy I was seeing, I invited him out for coffee with friends and I smeared whipped cream on my face as lipstick. Perhaps that was too embarrassing for him in public, because he cut contact with me afterward. So maybe he was a bit too serious, and uptight for me. I need someone fun, and adventurous. Someone I can clown around with. I can be playful sometimes, maybe I just need a playmate. That’s in the non-perverted sense. Any immediate perversion get’s kicked to the curb real fast, that’s just rude. Have some respect. I’m a lady, remember? I didn’t give myself that label, you did. Plus, you’d have to be pretty damn special  to get my mojo goin’ again. I’ve been pretty turned off from sex for a long time. I don’t like to be constantly harassed for it, that’s a major turn off.

Anyway, enough about that. I volunteered last night, some University students had an exhibition at The Arts Project. As a floater I hung coats, greeted and counted guests, made sure the trash didn’t over flow, etc etc. It was good to be back after my break away, now that I have a better idea of my schedule with my children.

Ooh! Another thing, I visited a good friend and her daughter for coffee and tea. That was an awesome night. I made friends with Kiera, the dog. She’s 1 year old, and quite clumsy and funny. I got my face covered in doggy slobber. That’s cool, that animals are comfortable around me.

I’m not even scared of the dog that lives around the corner and down the street from me anymore. I used to walk on the other side of the street to avoid it. But the owner had me and their dog meet, and I got to pet it, and since then, if it is loose it comes up to me wagging it’s tail all happy and whatnot, and I’m no longer scared of it. I just reach my hand out as I pass by, and it just gives my hand a good sniff. You may pass! Haha! That’s what it seems like sometimes.

Anywho, I think this post is long enough. I got to return to my studying. I kind of just typed about whatever, but yeah. That’s kind of how my mind works. It’s all over the place. Hope you enjoyed, that’s it til next time! I’m off to brew more coffee and hit the books. – Pooks

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.” – Confucius