Jumping back into the life of Pooks!!
Not too much has been happening. There has been a lot of sleep, distracting myself with cartoons, and thinking about my next move, what am I going to do next? If I cannot conform, then what can I do? It is clear I cannot keep up with this system of madness. I will always draw back and do things at my own pace. Attempting to keep up makes me drained and tired. I’m tired enough as is being an anemic. So I guess I’m picky about what I put my energy into. I burn out rapidly, so it’s got to be what I consider worthwhile. Sitting in classrooms with professors talking about “Capitalists this, and Capitalists that” isn’t my idea of worthwhile. Matter of fact, I’m sick of hearing about them.
I guess doubt doesn’t help either. I doubt I ever will be able to fit into this system. Not to mention, I fear of what I will lose by doing so. So I guess you can say I was defeated by my own mind. I set up my own failure on purpose.
I’ll get to pondering about that more later. In the mean time, onto other things…
Surprisingly the exchange last Friday for my visit with my kids went well. My ex and I actually communicated without any bickering. So every other week, exchanges are between the two of us, and the other exchanges take place at Merrymount. Fridays are a good 4 hour visit, than the week after I get weekends. Meaning, this weekend will be a sleepover visit.
Anyway, he filled me in with how my son was getting bullied from students and teachers, and he basically asked for my approval to remove our son from that school. He’s thinking either trying to get our son into a Catholic school or see if he can get him back into Madame Vanier where our son did very well in class. I gave the okay. It’s in our son’s best interest.
Here’s where it get’s interesting. My ex believes that the teachers are being discriminative towards our son because of me. Our son having a native mother. So his behavior MUST be my fault or something. I guess they did try to point the finger at me, but my ex stuck up in my defense. Thank you. Because the truth is, my involvement in their lives is a positive. Not a negative. Yes, my children’s mother is a fuckin native, and clearly isn’t your average woman either. Haha! Deal with it. That doesn’t mean to go picking on my son, because of his alienated mother that doesn’t fit in the system.
Grown adults shouldn’t be picking on 8 year old’s that don’t understand your stupid system anyways. Let alone the discrimination behind it. He doesn’t understand why he’s being treated so poorly. Trying to slam his fingers in doors, singling him out, etc. If he’s misbehaving, it’s no wonder! Ya know?! He behaves just fine with his mama. Quite excellent mind you. He catches on quickly. So don’t treat him like he’s stupid, because he’s not. I find if you just LISTEN to what he has to say, and acknowledge his existence, give him EYE CONTACT, that goes a long ways. Something I feel these teacher’s are lacking.
But then again, thanks to our system, we have teachers that aren’t really passionate about teaching, they are passionate about a pay cheque. Therefore, not really engaged in doing their job, challenge or no challenge.
Yes, my son can be a hand full sometimes. He’s hyper, and easily distracted. I think that may have something to do with me drinking coffee during my pregnancy, and him being in my womb at the time. It’s a possibility. He was born fully caffeinated. Haha!
I think one of the ways he copes with these difficulties he endures is that tries to interact with others through humor. So he’s a bit of a class clown. Which I think is pretty intelligent, because laughter is universal. Sure, he may make abrupt noises that make no sense to an adult, but it can get other children cracking up in laughter.
So don’t say or treat my boy like he’s stupid, because he’s not. If anything, he’s advanced, and misunderstood. I think he is being underestimated, because I’ve seen with my own eyes how quickly he catches onto things. Not to mention, he asks A LOT of questions. He questions everything, and that makes this Mama proud.
The fact that my son was experiencing discrimination kinda pissed me off for awhile. Not sure if it will be any better in a Catholic school. We’ll see.
I’m sorry, but I cannot change my skin I was born with, and neither can my son change who his mother is. Society will just have to accept that.
If anything, my children being bi-racial, they are a mix of French, Ojibwe, and Irish, to me they are beautiful rainbows of ethnicity. If others cannot see that beauty, than they should really take a look at themselves, because the problem isn’t my children, the problem is flat out racism.
Anyway, back to the pondering of the life of Pooks. Even though I’m not sure what I will do next, it would seem this name is taking a life of it’s own. slowly, but surely.
I was told yesterday my painting called “Brainwasher” got sold. That’s excellent news. Considering it took me over a year to complete. So all that work did not go to waste. The painting will go to a happy home. So thank you to whomever bought it.
On Monday I also completed my second oil painting which will be in this years Up with Art. That’s pretty exciting. I wasn’t sure if I was going to get my painting done on time, but I did it. So now Pooks can return to the big event, and hopefully sell an art piece that will benefit the homeless. I haven’t participated in Up with Art since 2012. Last year I was on hiatus, stranded way up north after taking a trip that should have been a week or 2, which turned into much longer than that. It was very stressful trying to get back. I think the next time I travel, I will be paying my own way, that would save me from having to depend on others that weren’t so reliable at the time.
Other than that, I did a huge cut from my Facebook friend list on my personal account. No point keeping people I rarely talk to, or people I know interact with my supposed mom, or other haters, and are just there to pick up gossip. For example my childhood bowling coach, who I know is buddy-buddy with my supposed mom. No thanks. Good bye.
Speaking of him, I think he’s the only one that bought my book so far. Which is funny, because I deliberately put a picture of me topless on the cover which he had made remarks about in the past. To me, the picture symbolizes a transformation in my life. I woke up from my endless sleep of depression, and woke up as Pooks. That picture caught that awakening. What this bowling coach said was; “So this is what you do now? A picture is worth a 1000 words.” Like, I’ve become some kind of whore or something. Wow, was he ever wrong. That picture is now the cover of my book, and Pooks will grab your soul and throw it through an emotional spin cycle with every word in that book. Yeah, your mind is in for a ride with that one. Haha!
Back to the list of people on FB, I gave people that seemed supportive, but then they’d turned around with rude comments the boot. Maybe that’s the way you interact with your friends, but obviously we’re not that close. So yeah, bye. Yeah I kept some acquaintances, fellow activists with similar views, people I respect, and friends and family I do trust.
What else? During that exchange on Friday my ex threw in the words that we are like fire and water. Sure, that’s the way we need to be as parents. I’ll co-operate as a co-parent. But I’m still not ever going back to our disastrous relationship. From the experience in our relationship for those 5-6 years I’ve noticed he’s only interested when he wants something. What could I have that he wants now? A 3 BEDROOM HOUSE!! Sorry, if that is the case, I’m not interested in mooches.
I’d be more interested in a man that can take care of himself, that is not interested in what I have, but is interested in what I am. Whatever the fuck that is, I don’t even know. An anomaly for reasons I’ve yet to discover.
I could be wrong, and paranoid. Still questioning his motives for this sudden change of kindness. I’m pretty sure I was just a “dip-shit” in his mind. That I have not forgotten.
So yes, when it comes to interacting with him, one on one, I am cautious. Just because I am nice in return, and am willing to co-operate as co-parent does not mean I trust him. I am well aware he can be manipulative. Wither he is or not this time, will take time to reveal. Obviously. In order to work together, some kind of bond needs to be made, and any trust between us is going to take a while to re-build, if at all. He’s never trusted me from the start. So why is it so different now? Could it be a sudden realization that our children DO NEED THEIR MOTHER?! Hmm? Why the sudden change of heart? Or is it just an act? Questions, questions… that only time can answer. And for now, until I figure out what the heck I’ll do next, I have plenty time on my side. – Pooks
“If you think like others, how can you be sure you’re thinking at all?”- Daniel Delgado F