Well, here we go again. Where I think there’s not much to share, but we’ll see. I find I’ll figure out what to write if I just write it. Whatever thought comes to mind.
Yeah, I can say not much has happened, but that’s not completely true. I mean, my visits with my kids are going well. They enjoy coming over to my house, and I think I’ve managed to have some kind of routine to follow when it comes to their visits. I guess some routine is good, it not only helps them know what to expect, but it kind of gives me a guide line to actually follow. Because lets face it, normally I have no routine. I stray, and things are just spontaneous.
As for the visits that happen on the south side of the city, my 4 hour visits on Fridays where my ex and I do the exchanges directly without a third party, surprisingly, those are going well too. I mean, my ex and I are communicating without bickering.
There was one weekend where I began to panic because our kids got their hands covered in food colouring by one of my crazy creative idea’s, coloured ice cubes. I was stressing because I was dreading the worse. I thought my ex was going to be pissed. Anyway, since we did exchange numbers for so we have some kind of contact regarding our children, I texted him giving the heads up that our kids will be returning to him with purple hands. I thought he’d be angry, but no, the response I got was; “Lol”. So that was a relief, he found some humor that.
During one of the weekend visits our kids have been asking a lot of questions regarding the past of my ex and I. It’s been rough. I shared my side, and my son called me a “liar”. That was upsetting. But what can I do? He’s going to believe what he believes. If he want’s to believe whatever his father is saying, so be it. All I can do really is show him, and prove him otherwise by sticking to who I am in the present, and that is to at least be something positive in my son’s life.
So yeah, the past snuck up and bit me. But if I want what’s best for my kids, it’s best to leave it where it is, in the past. Neither the father or I are saints. We both did our share of fucking up. If he can’t man up to his own mistakes, that’s his problem. But I know I gave up on the whole “cleanliness” ordeal, but you would too if you had a freeloader in your house that treated the floor like a hamper and a trash can. So not only did he not respect my home, he didn’t respect me either. I’m not trying to point fingers, I admit, I got fed up, and I gave up. That was my mistake that supposedly made me such a horrible risk to my kids well being. I’m pretty sure there are people out there that have done a lot worse than that. But whatever. It’s the past, and now I’m just another unstable savage in society. No surprise.
Like I said, it’s the past. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t anger me. It does, here and there. But you live, you learn, you move on. Life just keeps going. Holding onto that anger does nothing but more damage, which is why I’m grateful I can write, and create art. They allow me to turn all that negative shit into a positive. Not only that, but it allows me to reflect. Somehow that helps overcome it all.
Anyway, there is no point being bitter. What is done is done, and I have to make the best of whatever amount of time I have left on this planet.
My ex said he has been seeing people, good. He can move on with his life, I can move on with mine. Although, I have been giving men a hard time. Haha! You see, the things is, part of my high standards is based on my kids. I keep them in mind. If I cannot picture a man having a positive impact on my kids lives, how could they have a positive impact on mine? I think of my kids as royalty. They are my guests of honor. So yes, I have been rather fussy, but for my kids sake, I think that’s a good thing.
There was a time I thought it would be impossible for my ex and I to ever communicate without bitterness being an issue. But lately, it seems like things are headed in a positive direction. Just as long as we both keep the past where it belongs.
Other than that, one of my good friends is really ill. The one that is like a second mother. Or older sister. She’s been nothing but good to me over the years. Anyway, she’s been sick since after Christmas. I drop in from time to time to check in on her. She was normally a night owl, but lately, it’s like you can never tell when she’s awake or not. Anyway, she has cysts on her liver, and there isn’t much doctors can do, so I do worry. If the cysts form into one clump, it could be fatal, she could die. When I do visit her, it is apparent she is in pain, and uncomfortable. She’s lost a lot weight. I just wish there was something I could do.
During Spring and Summer she normally goes out for bike rides, works on the garden, or works on projects she gives herself. She builds doll houses, does embroidery, and finds old wooden furniture to fix. She’s really talented. It doesn’t seem like any of that is going to happen this year. Majority of the time, she’s stuck in bed. I can only hope she gets better.
Still, I can keep her company, watch Murdoch Mysteries and drink coffee, like we usually do.
In other aspects of my life, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do. If I’m going to give school a shot during the summer, I better get the paper work in soon, it’s almost May. I’m running out of time. I did register for Sociology again, and Spanish this time around. But I forgot, I’ll need to apply for funding all over again.
Whatever I do, I better get it figured out quick, the money in my account is running low. Although I don’t mind blowing it on my kids. But in order for me to continue doing so, I will need to get something lined up at least. Plus, both of my kids birthdays is next month, and yeah, that would suck to be empty handed. Sure, school might cut into my time with my kids on Fridays. Our visits on Friday go from 3:30pm – 8pm. If I go to school, I’d be in school til 4pm. If I find work, who knows what hours an employer will demand. I don’t want to give up my weekends. I came a long ways just to get them.
I still need to do my taxes. Also I need to hand in some papers to First Nation Housing Co-Op, that I didn’t hand in with the Annual Review. Still need to do that. So it looks like the week ahead will be getting paper work done. Boooring! But it needs to be done.
Maybe I’ll even make an appearance at the University after all this time. I need to pick up receipts that have been locked away in a filing cabinet. And maybe I should pick up my art supplies I left in my locker, if I’m not going to use them for school, I can use them at home.
I have been disconnected lately. It seems like I don’t start functioning until Thursday or Friday, and that is usually when I start preparing for my visits for my kids. Besides that, I show up at the New School of Colour to paint. Other than that, I’m home, I cut myself off from the world, and within that time, I am a zombie. Body is here, my mind is not. Back into incubation of slumber, dreams and thoughts. Not really depressed, but more like uncertain. And I don’t think it matters which path I take, the end will be same.
So I guess I’m kind of reckless when it comes to direction. I mean, look what I did this last term, I flat out threw it aside because of my own insecurities. Not only did I doubt my ability to write academically, I let fear win that battle…again. I’d be sitting there in class, watching other students answer questions with their fancy vocabulary. My vocabulary is fairly simple. I don’t use big words that often. I write, speak, and think like a high school student. Like I’m permanently stuck in Grade 9 or something. Not only that, but after being told I wasn’t thinking critically, I was thinking morally. Basically saying I’m getting it all wrong!! Yeah, that deflated my confidence.
I know my mistake, wither or not I can face it is the question. I’m an insecure chicken shit filled with fear. Wither or not I can change that, I don’t know. I know I’m not like the other students, I couldn’t feel anymore out of place. But if possible, I’ll try again.
I could say it’s the system, but really it’s me and my own demons. I hold myself back because I don’t believe I deserve anything greater than I already have.
When I really think about it, we live in a world where you are trained to want more. I get caught thinking do I really need more? Majority of the time I’m just looking out for myself, and that doesn’t take much. But when it comes to wanting to offer more to my kids, that is where I feel I need to push myself.
If I don’t get into school this summer, I can at least say I tried. Got to keep experimenting with this thing called life, and see what works and what doesn’t.
I didn’t take the help when it was there. I was too afraid to be a burden, a nuisance, a needy disturbance among others. I can at least look back and see where I’ve gone wrong. I was too insecure.
Life is a journey, and you can never be too sure of where it will take you next. I just kind of impulsively leap in whatever direction. So yeah, uncertainty, that word seems to define my life at the current moment. But then again, have I ever been certain of anything? Are we ever certain? Maybe no one is.
Honestly, this is how I feel; like I’m not dumb enough to hire for employment, and I’m not smart enough for school. I don’t really know my place in this society, if I even have a place here. – Pooks
“The greater the artist, the greater the doubt.” – Robert Hughes