Uncertainty

Well, here we go again. Where I think there’s not much to share, but we’ll see. I find I’ll figure out what to write if I just write it. Whatever thought comes to mind.

Yeah, I can say not much has happened, but that’s not completely true. I mean, my visits with my kids are going well. They enjoy coming over to my house, and I think I’ve managed to have some kind of routine to follow when it comes to their visits. I guess some routine is good, it not only helps them know what to expect, but it kind of gives me a guide line to actually follow. Because lets face it, normally I have no routine. I stray, and things are just spontaneous.

As for the visits that happen on the south side of the city, my 4 hour visits on Fridays where my ex and I do the exchanges directly without a third party, surprisingly, those are going well too. I mean, my ex and I are communicating without bickering.

There was one weekend where I began to panic because our kids got their hands covered in food colouring by one of my crazy creative idea’s, coloured ice cubes. I was stressing because I was dreading the worse. I thought my ex was going to be pissed. Anyway, since we did exchange numbers for so we have some kind of contact regarding our children, I texted him giving the heads up that our kids will be returning to him with purple hands. I thought he’d be angry, but no, the response I got was; “Lol”. So that was a relief, he found some humor that.

During one of the weekend visits our kids have been asking a lot of questions regarding the past of my ex and I. It’s been rough. I shared my side, and my son called me a “liar”. That was upsetting. But what can I do? He’s going to believe what he believes. If he want’s to believe whatever his father is saying, so be it. All I can do really is show him, and prove him otherwise by sticking to who I am in the present, and that is to at least be something positive in my son’s life.

So yeah, the past snuck up and bit me. But if I want what’s best for my kids, it’s best to leave it where it is, in the past. Neither the father or I are saints. We both did our share of fucking up. If he can’t man up to his own mistakes, that’s his problem. But I know I gave up on the whole “cleanliness” ordeal, but you would too if you had a freeloader in your house that treated the floor like a hamper and a trash can. So not only did he not respect my home, he didn’t respect me either. I’m not trying to point fingers, I admit, I got fed up, and I gave up. That was my mistake that supposedly made me such a horrible risk to my kids well being. I’m pretty sure there are people out there that have done a lot worse than that. But whatever. It’s the past, and now I’m just another unstable savage in society. No surprise.

Like I said, it’s the past. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t anger me. It does, here and there. But you live, you learn, you move on. Life just keeps going. Holding onto that anger does nothing but more damage, which is why I’m grateful I can write, and create art. They allow me to turn all that negative shit into a positive. Not only that, but it allows me to reflect. Somehow that helps overcome it all.

Anyway, there is no point being bitter. What is done is done, and I have to make the best of whatever amount of time I have left on this planet.

My ex said he has been seeing people, good.  He can move on with his life, I can move on with mine. Although, I have been giving men a hard time. Haha! You see, the things is, part of my high standards is based on my kids. I keep them in mind. If I cannot picture a man  having a positive impact on my kids lives, how could they have a positive impact on mine? I think of my kids as royalty. They are my guests of honor. So yes, I have been rather fussy, but for my kids sake, I think that’s a good thing.

There was a time I thought it would be impossible for my ex and I to ever communicate without bitterness being an issue. But lately, it seems like things are headed in a positive direction. Just as long as we both keep the past where it belongs.

Other than that, one of my good friends is really ill. The one that is like a second mother. Or older sister. She’s been nothing but good to me over the years. Anyway, she’s been sick since after Christmas. I drop in from time to time to check in on her. She was normally a night owl, but lately, it’s like you can never tell when she’s awake or not. Anyway, she has cysts on her liver, and there isn’t much doctors can do, so I do worry. If the cysts form into one clump, it could be fatal, she could die. When I do visit her, it is apparent she is in pain, and uncomfortable. She’s lost a lot weight. I just wish there was something I could do.

During Spring and Summer she normally goes out for bike rides, works on the garden, or works on projects she gives herself. She builds doll houses, does embroidery, and finds old wooden furniture to fix. She’s really talented. It doesn’t seem like any of that is going to happen this year. Majority of the time, she’s stuck in bed. I can only hope she gets better.

Still, I can keep her company, watch Murdoch Mysteries and drink coffee, like we usually do.

In other aspects of my life, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do. If I’m going to give school a shot during the summer, I better get the paper work in soon, it’s almost May. I’m running out of time. I did register for Sociology again, and Spanish this time around. But I forgot, I’ll need to apply for funding all over again.

Whatever I do, I better get it figured out quick, the money in my account is running low. Although I don’t mind blowing it on my kids. But in order for me to continue doing so, I will need to get something lined up at least. Plus, both of my kids birthdays is next month, and yeah, that would suck to be empty handed. Sure, school might cut into my time with my kids on Fridays. Our visits on Friday go from 3:30pm – 8pm. If I go to school, I’d be in school til 4pm. If I find work, who knows what hours an employer will demand. I don’t want to give up my weekends. I came a long ways just to get them.

I still need to do my taxes. Also I need to hand in some papers to First Nation Housing Co-Op, that I didn’t hand in with the Annual Review. Still need to do that. So it looks like the week ahead will be getting paper work done. Boooring! But it needs to be done.

Maybe I’ll even make an appearance at the University after all this time. I need to pick up receipts that have been locked away in a filing cabinet. And maybe I should pick up my art supplies I left in my locker, if I’m not going to use them for school, I can use them at home.

I have been disconnected lately. It seems like I don’t start functioning until Thursday or Friday, and that is usually when I start preparing for my visits for my kids. Besides that, I show up at the New School of Colour to paint. Other than that, I’m home, I cut myself off from the world, and within that time, I am a zombie. Body is here, my mind is not. Back into incubation of slumber, dreams and thoughts. Not really depressed, but more like uncertain. And I don’t think it matters which path I take, the end will be same.

So I guess I’m kind of reckless when it comes to direction. I mean, look what I did this last term, I flat out threw it aside because of my own insecurities. Not only did I doubt my ability to write academically, I let fear win that battle…again. I’d be sitting there in class, watching other students answer questions with their fancy vocabulary. My vocabulary is fairly simple. I don’t use big words that often. I write, speak, and think like a high school student. Like I’m permanently stuck in Grade 9 or something. Not only that, but after being told I wasn’t thinking critically, I was thinking morally. Basically saying I’m getting it all wrong!! Yeah, that deflated my confidence.

I know my mistake, wither or not I can face it is the question. I’m an insecure chicken shit filled with fear. Wither or not I can change that, I don’t know. I know I’m not like the other students, I couldn’t feel anymore out of place. But if possible, I’ll try again.

I could say it’s the system, but really it’s me and my own demons. I hold myself back because I don’t believe I deserve anything greater than I already have.

When I really think about it, we live in a world where you are trained to want more. I get caught thinking do I really need more? Majority of the time I’m just looking out for myself, and that doesn’t take much. But when it comes to wanting to offer more to my kids, that is where I feel I need to push myself.

If I don’t get into school this summer, I can at least say I tried. Got to keep experimenting with this thing called life, and see what works and what doesn’t.

I didn’t take the help when it was there. I was too afraid to be a burden, a nuisance, a needy disturbance among others. I can at least look back and see where I’ve gone wrong. I was too insecure.

Life is a journey, and you can never be too sure of where it will take you next. I just kind of impulsively leap in whatever direction. So yeah, uncertainty, that word seems to define my life at the current moment. But then again, have I ever been certain of anything? Are we ever certain? Maybe no one is.

Honestly, this is how I feel; like I’m not dumb enough to hire for employment, and I’m not smart enough for school. I don’t really know my place in this society, if I even have a place here. – Pooks

“The greater the artist, the greater the doubt.” – Robert Hughes

 

 

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Pooks Return to Up with Art

Last night Up with Art took place at the Palace Theatre, and compared to the last time I participated in 2012, this year it was packed. It was like walking through a maze of people, it was fun. I have met some new people, and mingled with my fellow New School of Colour peeps.

Up with Art is a yearly fundraiser that is for a good cause, relief of the homeless in London.  There are lot’s of people, and artists within the community, and organizations that make the event possible. Proceeds that the event earns go to The Unity Project, which is a homeless shelter that provides support for those in need.

Thanks to Jeremy Jeresky for getting my art into the show. He’s not only a facilitator of the New School of Colour, a teacher, a friend, he’s like family ( a brother), and he’s like the New School of Colour’s own personal manager. He’s the one that pulls the strings and get’s our art out there. So huge thanks, he’s awesome. I didn’t capture a pic of him during the evening amongst the chaos, but he is appreciated. Matter of fact, he did say my painting would sell this year, and he was right! Thank you Lindsay Stevens for buying my painting and for doing your part in supporting the homeless. You rock!

I think the New School of Colour did well during this event, a lot of our art was sold by the end of the night. Matter of fact, one member, Sarah Curran, her art got sold online before the event even took place. Congrats! I am proud of my Ducky Doo! I knew it would do well, it caught my eye back when it was underground at the New School of Colour.

George Wallace got good news during the night. Not only did his piece sell too, but someone offered to show him how to take electronics apart, and put them back together. Not only that, they are going to give him electronic parts to use for his art. Big projects are ahead for George, a whole different level of art, and I am happy for him.

It was awesome that the event shed some light on Monica. She came a long ways. She was one of the people that had used the Unity Projects services, and she would go across the street to the New School of Colour to paint. She started this trend at the New School of Colour she calls “Drop Gravity.” She’s awesome, and I’m glad her story of success, how The Unity Project, and art, has made a positive impact on her life was shared.

That’s the thing, since the New School of Colour’s art studio is in the basement of a soup kitchen, we do meet and interact with the homeless on a regular basis. But that’s not all, all sorts of people come to the program, and it doesn’t matter what income they have, what race, age, or social stature they have, the New School of Colour has a way of proving that we are all people, and we can get along great with each-other.

At Up with Art I met Donnie Claudino, which I think I made a funny first impression because I was talking about holding an olive in my hand. Haha! I also met Jesse Helmer who is one of the people I follow on Twitter, so that was cool to meet someone off of Twitter. I also got a pic taken with Tara Overholt from CTV news. She was very nice.

During the event Melissa Parrot a.k.a DJ Media Frenzy was the D.J throughout the evening. Although there was barely any room to dance this year, everybody was kind of wiggling past each-other, but the tunes were great! Good job DJ Media Frenzy! I was happy to see her there!

I can go on and on about this event, it was very surreal. Just like the first time I had participated.

Although, this year there was an after party held at the East Village Coffee House, home to my favorite coffee. After I had walked a fellow artist to the bus stop, I did go. I just had to have my coffee. Haha! Anyway, there was a live band playing, and I was sitting beside an artist that was drawing the band as they played. She wanted to get closer, she thought it would be strange to sit on the floor, but I said “Go for it! You’re an artist!” I even tried something new, I never had prunes before, but the East Village Coffee House had samples out, and there were these prunes wrapped with bacon, they were delicious! I was pleasantly surprised. I think they were gluten free or something. Anyway, the interior of the East Village Coffee House looks amazing, I finally got to see what they’ve been working on so hard. Well done, the place looks great!

Anyway, the event was awesome, and I am pleased that the New School of Colour was a part of it. Even some of the younger artists from the New School of Colour youth programs had their art on display, and they too were amazing.

I didn’t have my children this weekend like I had thought. I’m still trying to get use to the schedule. But I did see them Friday, and we had our own adventure.

Next up, the Ark Aid Street Mission Fundraiser in June… 😉 – Pooks

 

Planting Seeds

Well it’s that time again, where I sit down and type out another blog post.

Last weekend was fun. I had a sleep over visit with my kids. We started our visit at the grocery store, that way I can pick up food they want. My son surprised me when he said he wanted a watermelon. Wow! Something healthy.

During our visit, we explored by the river, we watched “Frozen”, played computer games, Hide N’ Seek,  created art… which reminds me, hopefully my ex doesn’t take that art our daughter gave him personally. as if it were from me. No, no, no. I was just following my daughters instructions. She’d say what she wanted me to draw, I’d draw it. She wanted the words, “I love you” written on top, I wrote it. It wasn’t until after we were done that she said she was going to give it to her father. So hopefully that doesn’t get misunderstood, or mistaken for something that it’s not. I’ll make it clear, I do not feel that way towards him. Those were his daughters words, that I drew on her behalf.

Another thing, some smart ass on Twitter made this comment saying “You kid’s not special, he’s an ordinary kid.” Or something along those lines.  Ummm.. wither that was directed at me or not, it doesn’t matter, I am my kids mother, I’m going to think the world of both my kids. I love them that much, and to me, they will always be special.

Anyway, I kind of gotten side tracked there, but yeah, these weekend visits are superb. My next visit will be a 4 hour visit in their area of town. I heard it might get colder, so I guess it is time to think ahead, and think of places that are indoors where we could go. The following weekend, is another sleep over visit, and that falls on the day of Up with Art. I was given a little scare there for a bit, because I was told 10 pieces were only being accepted, and they already had them. But then an hour or 2 later, I was told my art is in the show. Yaaaay! That means, I get to share this event with my kids, because they will be in my care that evening. That should be fun. Give them an experience they haven’t experienced yet, an art exhibition! It’s kinda like a “Take the kids to work day” kinda thing. Haha! Hopefully it goes well, it could get over-stimulating, or I might experience some struggles with my son who might complain because there are no video games involved. But hopefully not. I’m crossing my fingers that it goes well. On a positive note, they will finally get to meet some of my fellow artists, and friends, from the New School of Colour, who have become like family to me.  So I am excited to introduce them to these fabulous peeps.

Check out the following link. My art, can’t miss it, it’s got my tag Bam!, right in your face! It’s the one called “Eastern Tiger Swallowtail”.  You can also browse around the site and purchase a ticket to go to the event, if you’re in London,ON and are interested. 🙂

http://upwithart.ca/gallery-new-school-of-colour/

What else? I heard that the Ark Aid Street Mission will be holding a huge fundraiser in June. So I’ll be able to get my art into that event as well. Possibly more than one. Who knows! I might have my “Ring Leader in Paris- Revised” oil painting completed by then.

Even though I messed up this term when it comes to University, I activated my account for Summer classes. Wither or not they will accept me, we’ll see. The courses I applied for were Sociology, and Spanish. Yes, Sociology defeated me once, it got me angry, it got me depressed. It felt like I was going to lose my sanity. But it’s all part of growing, isn’t it? And in a sick twisted way, I’m like, “Let’s do it again.” Haha! So yeah, try again, if possible. As for Spanish, I’m fascinated by other languages. If I could learn them all, I would. No I didn’t apply for Visual Arts this time, I think I’ll keep that as something I do personally because I love it. Don’t need an institution tampering with that. I don’t believe my art is meant to be the same as everyone elses, and perhaps to keep it unique takes a more personal growth. Ya know? Learn on your own.

Of coarse, in case school doesn’t work out, and I get denied, I’ve already started get my resume our there, applying for jobs, and/ or take on new volunteer placements. Either way, I will keep myself busy.

Yesterday was April Fools, and I said I was seeing someone. I am not. Although I fooled some people. Hehe! Nope, I am happily single. I am the untouchable, unreachable, untamable Alien Goddess. K, Not entirely untouchable, I do accept hugs. Haha! How could I say no to a hug? Hugs are nice. 🙂

Newho, it’s nice to be in a better mood. Not so gloomy these days. Detach myself from the world, spend some time with myself for awhile, and voila! It’s kind of like an incubating healing process.

Also, an interesting person I follow online… Actually, I had no idea who he was, until he followed me on Twitter, and I followed back. Turns out, he’s very fascinating. His name is Morgue. He’s an extreme stunt artist on that show Venice Beach Freakshow, which I absolutely love. Newho, Morgue. He’s not only a Marilyn Manson fan, but his point of view is quite intelligent and interesting. Matter of fact, he helped me see the positive side of doubt, and for that, I am thankful. Miigwech!

You can find him on Facebook, if you’re interested. He’s one of my fave ppl I follow:

https://www.facebook.com/MorgueOfficial

Newho, I’m off to fill myself up with more coffee. Hope you enjoyed reading. See ya next week! – Pooks

“To create extraordinary results, you must first have or ReThink an extraordinary Mindset to start.”- Tony Dovale