Okay, so I kinda messed up this morning. But it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been doing good these last 2 weeks, or so, when it comes to waking up at 5:40am in the morning, although this morning, because I was up late last night, kinda threw things off a bit. With the schedule I had going, I’d be in bed by 11pm. But no, last night, I thought it would be a good idea to edit my youtube playlist. Bad idea. It kept me up later, and threw things off. When I woke up this morning at 5:40am, I was tired and slugglish, and instead of doing what I do to get my blood flowing through my system. I find exercise helps wake me up. I didn’t do that. I didn’t even make it to the coffee machine. Instead, I made the mistake of lying back down, and falling back asleep. So I missed today’s class. No big deal, I can turn things back around tonight, and be at school tomorrow. I know I am capable of doing so.
I mean there was a time where I didn’t think I was capable of the whole morning thing. I used to just flat out say “I’m not a morning person.” Hence, I was giving myself an excuse, and not really giving myself the chance to prove myself wrong. Perhaps that’s why I signed up for an earlier class, than what I had during the Winter Term where the classes began at 10:30am, I wanted to prove myself wrong. And I did.
Another thing I’ve done differently, was not taking on so much. This whole experience is new to me, and maybe I need to start smaller and work my way up gradually. So for this summer term, I am focused on one course, and focusing on tackling the things that hold me back. For example; doing something about my anxiety, and depression. After speaking to a Learning Strategist counselor about having a possible learning disability, it has come to my realization that perhaps my isolation throughout the years, and lack of social interactions may be a barrier as well. It has effected my language, the way I speak. Sometimes I define things with sound. But yeah, my vocabulary isn’t as advanced as other students who may have been brought up with regular social interactions.
Just by observing other female students, I am nothing like them. While they sound like chippering squirrels with their flailing hand gestures, talking about anything and everything under the sun. I am more fussy at what I will allow myself to say out loud. More thought is put into what I say. And when I talk, it doesn’t exactly come out the way I had thought it. My thoughts are rapid, and I find speaking out my thoughts isn’t so easy to keep up with. So yeah, there will be awkward pauses. I’ll forget what the heck I was saying, or talking about. I’ll lose my train of thought and be like, What was the question?
Not only that, but there is that fear of speaking. I’ve mentioned this before, being told to shut up every-time I wanted to speak during my up-bringing, it may have given me a complex. Not to forget that I know how powerful my words are when written, I can only imagine the damage I can do if I spoke. So a lot of the time, I am an observer.
I’m not entirely mute, not even mute exactly, I just choose not to speak majority of the time. Thankfully I have met people who I do feel comfortable speaking around. But it took a long time for me to truly open up, and be my silly self around those people.
Something I learned within Sociology is that having family is a big key to developing those social skills. So while other students may have that support, I don’t. Not really. You already know I cut my supposed abusive mom out of the picture, along with her sisters, and my supposed little sister. So the family that I do have left, are distant. Biological or though being adopted into a family. Relationships with them aren’t that close, I mean, my contact is through social networking. So these relationships are kind of impersonal. They know of me, but don’t necessarily “know” me on a personal level. As for my dad, apparently I only exist during Christmas. I did send an offer to have my kids and I visit his place, and what did he do? He clearly seen the message, you know how FB tells you so and so has seen your message, right? Well, he seen it, and he ignored it. Thanks. You don’t need to say anything. Your actions spoke loud and clear. Fuck, his sister is more supportive than he is. Every once and awhile I’ll get an endearing or encouraging message from my aunt. Such as when I sprained my ankle, and was in crutches. Thanks for showing me you give a shit.
So yeah, I went through numerous periods within my life in isolation. As a child, hiding in my room, or basement. To not really being allowed to interact with others when it comes to the intimate relationships I did have. In away, it’s become normal to me. Isolation has become a way that I cope with my anxiety and depression. I take myself right out of the situation, and lock myself up. Reverting back to where I feel safe.
So attempts to come out of that bubble have been challenging. Especially at school. I’ll paint a mental picture for you an example of what normally happens when I make an attempt to socialize with other students. K, picture a group standing together, and as you get closer they all flutter or scatter away like a bunch of butterflies, or seagulls. I know I’m different, and that can be intimidating, but I didn’t think it was that intimidating. Wow. It happens a lot while I’m on campus.
Anyway, those are just somethings I’ve noticed. I even had fun experimenting with the way I dress. How people can judge you by the clothes you wear. The day I wore my half tiger print/half black pants, I found that bus drivers were a lot more considerate than they were when I normally wore jeans and a sweater. But then again, I probably stuck out like a red flag. Haha! I mean, bus drivers would give me the go-ahead, and allow me to cross the street in front of them. Normally, that wouldn’t happen. They’d cut me off before I could even think of crossing the street in front of them. Also, running for the bus, they would sit and wait. Normally, they’d just drive off without you, like a “tough shit” kinda deal. So yeah, I found that rather amusing. I did something similar again, but with a hat, a pilot hat that goes to a costume of mine. That day, I received a lot of that “WTF?” kind of looks. Especially from the older men on campus. Yes, I’m playing with your perspectives, and observing your reactions. To me that is fun, and highly amusing.
Anyway, enough of that. Ummm.. I’m gonna get together with my tutor, a 3ird year student, on Friday. I found it difficult to focus on the topic of Bureaucracy. See? I’m reaching out as soon as I notice I’m struggling with something. That’s new.
I guess when it comes to networking a former professor of mine and the facilitator from an art program I go to regularly met. Apparently my name came up, hopefully nothing too horrible was said. Yeah, I fucked that winter term right up. But at least I can see my mistakes, and I am attempting to improve, slowly but surely. Baby steps.
As for my Mood and Anxiety Group, all I can say really, is that I am glad I signed myself up for that. I cannot talk too much about it because of confidentiality. But I believe it is beneficial, for my sake. That was a good choice on my part. Yay to wanting to help myself. I guess a part of me does believe I’m worth it, even though when I go spiraling down into a spout of depression, I think otherwise.
Newho, I’m going to nose dive into my textbook. Read, read, read, and jot notes. Maybe tomorrow, if I don’t scare someone away, I’ll be able to borrow someones notes of what was covered today in class. Sometimes there’s a little more discussed than what is in the textbook, so just in case, that will require me to step out of my bubble so to speak. I’m not going to let myself fall behind. Not this time. – Pooks
“Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.”- George Santayana