Butterflies & Bubbles

Okay, so I kinda messed up this morning. But it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been doing good these last 2 weeks, or so, when it comes to waking up at 5:40am in the morning, although this morning, because I was up late last night, kinda threw things off a bit. With the schedule I had going, I’d be in bed by 11pm. But no, last night, I thought it would be a good idea to edit my youtube playlist. Bad idea. It kept me up later, and threw things off. When I woke up this morning at 5:40am, I was tired and slugglish, and instead of doing what I do to get my blood flowing through my system. I find exercise helps wake me up.  I didn’t do that. I didn’t even make it to the coffee machine. Instead, I made the mistake of lying back down, and falling back asleep. So I missed today’s class.  No big deal, I can turn things back around tonight, and be at school tomorrow. I know I am capable of doing so.

I mean there was a time where I didn’t think I was capable of the whole morning thing. I used to just flat out say “I’m not a morning person.” Hence, I was giving myself an excuse, and not really giving myself the chance to prove myself wrong. Perhaps that’s why I signed up for an earlier class, than what I had during the Winter Term where the classes began at 10:30am, I wanted to prove myself wrong. And I did.

Another thing I’ve done differently, was not taking on so much. This whole experience is new to me, and maybe I need to start smaller and work my way up gradually. So for this summer term, I am focused on one course, and focusing on tackling the things that hold me back. For example; doing something about my anxiety, and depression. After speaking to a Learning Strategist counselor about having a possible learning disability, it has come to my realization that perhaps my isolation throughout the years, and lack of social interactions may be a barrier as well. It has effected my language, the way I speak. Sometimes I define things with sound. But yeah, my vocabulary isn’t as advanced as other students who may have been brought up with regular social interactions.

Just by observing other female students, I am nothing like them. While they sound like chippering squirrels with their flailing hand gestures, talking about anything and everything under the sun. I am more fussy at what I will allow myself to say out loud. More thought is put into what I say. And when I talk, it doesn’t exactly come out the way I had thought it. My thoughts are rapid, and I find speaking out my thoughts isn’t so easy to keep up with. So yeah, there will be awkward pauses. I’ll forget what the heck I was saying, or talking about. I’ll lose my train of thought and be like, What was the question?

Not only that, but there is  that fear of speaking. I’ve mentioned this before, being told to shut up every-time I wanted to speak during my up-bringing, it may have given me a complex. Not to forget that I know how powerful my words are when written, I can only imagine the damage I can do if I spoke. So a lot of the time, I am an observer.

I’m not entirely mute, not even mute exactly, I just choose not to speak majority of the time. Thankfully I have met people who I do feel comfortable speaking around. But it took a long time for me to truly open up, and be my silly self around those people.

Something I learned within Sociology is that having family is a big key to developing those social skills. So while other students may have that support, I don’t. Not really. You already know I cut my supposed abusive mom out of the picture, along with her sisters, and my supposed little sister. So the family that I do have left, are distant. Biological or though being adopted into a family. Relationships with them aren’t that close, I mean, my contact is through social networking. So these relationships are kind of impersonal. They know of me, but don’t necessarily “know” me on a personal level. As for my dad, apparently I only exist during Christmas. I did send an offer to have  my kids and I visit his place, and what did he do? He clearly seen the message, you know how FB tells you so and so has seen your message, right? Well, he seen it, and he ignored it. Thanks. You don’t need to say anything. Your actions spoke loud and clear. Fuck, his sister is more supportive than he is. Every once and awhile I’ll get an endearing or encouraging message from my aunt. Such as when I sprained my ankle, and was in crutches. Thanks for showing me you give a shit.

So yeah, I went through numerous periods within my life in isolation. As a child, hiding in my room, or basement. To not really being allowed to interact with others when it comes to the intimate relationships I did have. In away, it’s become normal to me. Isolation has become a way that I cope with my anxiety and depression. I take myself right out of the situation, and lock myself up. Reverting back to where I feel safe.

So attempts to come out of that bubble have been challenging. Especially at school. I’ll paint a mental picture for you an example of what normally happens when I make an attempt to socialize with other students. K, picture a group standing together, and as you get closer they all flutter or scatter away like a bunch of butterflies, or seagulls. I know I’m different, and that can be intimidating, but I didn’t think it was that intimidating. Wow. It happens a lot while I’m on campus.

Anyway, those are just somethings I’ve noticed. I even had fun experimenting with the way I dress. How people can judge you by the clothes you wear. The day I wore my half tiger print/half black pants, I found that bus drivers were a lot more considerate than they were when I normally wore jeans and a sweater. But then again, I probably stuck out like a red flag. Haha! I mean, bus drivers would give me the go-ahead, and allow me to cross the street in front of them. Normally, that wouldn’t happen. They’d cut me off before I could even think of crossing the street in front of them. Also, running for the bus, they would sit and wait. Normally, they’d just drive off without you, like a “tough shit” kinda deal. So yeah, I found that rather amusing. I did something similar again, but with a hat, a pilot hat that goes to a costume of mine. That day, I received a lot of that “WTF?” kind of looks. Especially from the older men on campus.  Yes, I’m playing with your perspectives, and observing your reactions. To me that is fun, and highly amusing.

Anyway, enough of that. Ummm.. I’m gonna get together with my tutor, a 3ird year student, on Friday. I found it difficult to focus on the topic of Bureaucracy. See? I’m reaching out as soon as I notice I’m struggling with something. That’s new.

I guess when it comes to networking a former professor of mine and the facilitator from an art program I go to regularly met. Apparently my name came up, hopefully nothing too horrible was said. Yeah, I fucked that winter term right up. But at least I can see my mistakes, and I am attempting to improve, slowly but surely. Baby steps.

As for my Mood and Anxiety Group, all I can say really, is that I am glad I signed myself up for that. I cannot talk too much about it because of confidentiality. But I believe it is beneficial, for my sake. That was a good choice on my part. Yay to wanting to help myself. I guess a part of me does believe I’m worth it, even though when I go spiraling down into a spout of depression, I think otherwise.

Newho, I’m going to nose dive into my textbook. Read, read, read, and jot notes. Maybe tomorrow, if I don’t scare someone away, I’ll be able to borrow someones notes of what was covered today in class. Sometimes there’s a little more discussed than what is in the textbook, so just in case, that will require me to step out of my bubble so to speak. I’m not going to let myself fall behind. Not this time. – Pooks

“Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.”- George Santayana

 

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Tomorrow

I figured I might as well write a blog post today, since I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, and will more than likely be too tired to write by the the time I can sit down and write something.

Tomorrow is my son’s 9th Birthday. Yaaaay! I cannot believe it myself. His age is almost into the double digits.

I guess he already got transferred to a Catholic School, and all other things that were considered are now out of the question. In other words, that meeting I got called out to was utterly pointless. Whatever. Hopefully things go more smoothly in the school he is in now.

I return to school tomorrow. Apparently this term begun on the 12th, and I was unaware of that. So I’ll have some catching up to do. Apparently I am scheduled to meet people on Wednesday, and Thursday because I’m supposedly fucked in the head. Thank you anxiety! One of the people I am to meet is someone from the Services for Students with Disabilities. I’m not disabled. At least not entirely. I do get physically disabled if my rheumatoid arthritis flares up in my spine. It happens rarely. But when it does, trust me, I’m not moving. Yeah, I get overwhelmed, I panic. I have the tendency to look at things I need to do as one big overwhelming clump, rather than breaking it down into separate tasks. I slept too much last term. You can call it laziness, but the all out truth is I was depressed. I get into this state where I want to sleep it all away. The gaps between the visits with my kids, I get sad. Capitalism angers and depresses me, but I guess we are expected to worship, and to want to become just like these douchebags. The fact I’m being forced to try to be something I’m not, when I know in my heart I am an artist and a writer, that’s depressing. The truth about the history between Christopher Columbus and First Nation people not only shocked me, but the fact this freakin guy is seen as a heroic pioneer is disgusting.  But I guess all this, including my lack of wanting to conform into modern stupidity only get’s me labeled as “mentally unhealthy”. Yup, that supposedly makes me stupid or something.

But whatever, my foot is in the door, again. I will try not to fuck it up this time. Even if it means I have “mental health issues”. Yeah, your dumbass world drives me fuckin nuts! This time around, things shouldn’t be as much of a shocker to me.

My Indigenous Service worker wants me to drop Social Work, and keep Anxiety Management. Although when I tried to drop that course, the stupid website wouldn’t let me. Isn’t technology grand?

Anyway, I will attend school tomorrow. Afterward, pick up a gift for my son, and then off to celebrate his Birthday. I probably won’t be out of school until 4pm. Meaning I won’t reach my ex’s place until 5, or 6pm. Still, I’ll drop in on my son’s birthday, I want to be there.

I still haven’t received any funding for school, which is kinda stressful. I mean, I won’t be able to use the sociology book that I do have because it is the 10th edition, and this class I’ll be taking requires the 8th edition. Not only that, but my bills, and rent are not paid for yet. So yeah, the waiting is a bit stressful to say the least. But of coarse I do not have it yet, I made the same mistake I did last time and filled out the wrong freakin form. Way to go genius! Always making things harder for myself. But I guess I can use a text book from the schools library, at least until I can get my own.

Classes will be earlier than they were before. They will start at 8:30am, and I’ve been practicing on waking up early. I can wake up at 5:40am, I just need to move quicker when it comes to getting my ass out the door. So I know I am capable of this early morning thing. There should be no excuses.

I wasn’t feeling very confident the last time around, but who knows, maybe with the extra support this time around I’ll do better.

Yes, I know I have mental health issues, trust issues, etc that should be expected from someone that has survived a long history of abuse and isolation. It could be my ego that is finding it offensive. It pisses me off when it’s pointed out, and I get treated as if I were stupid. This whole “special needs” treatment. I don’t know why I cannot function properly in your world, you tell me. Asking me is silly question, because I do not have the answer for you.

I know I need to try to interact with others better, but well, that’s never been easy for me. I’m an introvert, and I don’t know what it is about me, but I intimidate and scare people. I don’t do it on purpose. That’s just the way it is. The people I don’t scare, are the one’s I can actually feel comfortable being myself around. Those people are often creative people. But I guess these days, creative is seen as crazy in today’s society.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I am starting to feel very tired, and I should probably go to bed soon if I want to get a decent sleep. Just thinking about how busy my day will be tomorrow makes me tired. Although, I do have something to look forward to, and that is the smiling faces of my children when I see them tomorrow evening.  Even though I just seen them Saturday and Sunday, I miss them already. – Pooks

“Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”- John F. Kennedy

 

The Observant

Okey dokey. So this meeting at my son’s school has come and gone. I was up this morning around 5:40am, just to make it to my son’s school for 9am. since I am registered for school during the summer, I will need to get myself ready quicker. But then again, I won’t be dressing like a business woman to go to school. My classes start at 8:30am and go til 4pm Monday to Thursday. Problem is, I don’t know exactly when this Summer Term begins. I do know that the Anxiety Management classes start on my son’s birthday, May 20th 1:30-3:30pm. That’s a bit of a bummer because my son wants me there for his birthday, and it looks as though as I’ll be arriving to his Birthday party later in the evening.

Anyway, the meeting. The staff that attended this meeting seemed a bit surprised when they met me. Perhaps they were expecting to see something else, like a dead beat drunk native mother or something, not the lady that walked into their office today. I don’t know. Nevertheless, I think I accomplished on making a positive first impression.

I got there early, and I was kind of bombarded with negative feedback regarding my son. Such as him saying he wants to kill himself, or shoot down the students at school. Which reminds me, we never did talk about bullying, and what the school does to handle that.

I mean, I took my kids to visit a friend of mine awhile back, and she asked my son; “How do you like school?” He answered that he doesn’t. Then my friend asked why, and my son’s reply was pretty straight forward; “Bullies.”

Yes we did talk about the video games. And kudos to my ex, I never thought I would see the day where he openly admits to something that yeah, he could have fucked up. He admitted that he let our son play GTA, and other violent games. It takes a lot of courage to admit a mistake. I think that is a huge step for my ex, and I am impressed. What’s interesting is after he done so, the staff told him not to be too hard on himself. It was acknowledged, it is forgivable, let’s work on a solution. So far, my ex and I have banned any violent games. At the last weekend visit, when it comes to online games, I make sure our son shows me what he is playing. He played a game called Raft Wars 2, which is kind of like Angry birds. He also played this funny game where a squirrel had to defend it’s nuts, and another funny one having to do with vegetables.

Which leads me thinking to another thing. Umm.. How does my son have access to violent games at school? I mean you’d think they would have a bit more control of what they allow on their computers. But I guess kids could look up anything on the internet if they wanted to. These students could be looking up porn for all you know. I’m pretty sure there is a way to filter what is allowed on the computer, and what isn’t. And to top it off, he has a teacher right beside him. So yeah, something about that didn’t sit right with me.

Another thing, when a teacher told a little story about when my son grabbed an apple and said he’d throw it at her, and she said “Go ahead. Whip it.”  Well of coarse he’s going to if she told him to. He’s the student, she’s the authority figure in this situation. Why would you encourage that behavior? The behavior that should be encouraged is the positive behavior, especially if that is the behavior you want to see more of.

One thing we did conclude, which makes perfect sense, my son experiences anxiety. That’s not a surprise. I noticed it long ago with his fidgeting, and lip biting, and pacing. He witnessed domestic violence as a child. So as soon as he senses any negativity, he’s going to do what he can to get away from it. He’s become very sensitive.

Not only that, look at his parents. We both experience anxiety, and we both struggle with trust. Neither of us trust the system, we both have our own reasons. Yes, we could work on getting him out socializing more with people. I admit, I’m a bit of a hermit. My comfort zone is at home, cooped up in my humble abode, away from the chaos of society. My circle of friends is a very small list. I trust so few. So I plan to take our kids to a New School of Colour family event on the 31st, which will be held at the Beacock Library. My daughter loves art, I’m not sure if my son will participate. He might because it’s messy. Messy is fun. Besides it seems like every visit we have they are getting messy one way or another. Haha! Maybe he will when he see’s other children participating. We’ll see. I will try to do my part to get them mingling with the world, even though I do cherish the one on one time, just me and my kids.

Anyway, my ex is going to do some research into this program at Vanier before signing any papers. Even though it is a residential program, it doesn’t sound like our son will actually have to live there, according to the man from Vanier that attended the meeting. I asked about the hours, and it would be just like regular school hours. Just to play it safe, to make sure no carpet can be swept from beneath us, I’m glad my ex will be doing research before signing.

Don’t get me wrong, my ex and I both agree that Vanier is great, and they offer the support our son needs. They have a psychologist, or psychiatrist on site. Their classes are much smaller, so our son will get the attention he needs. Back in the day when he used to go to Vanier, they had our son doing yoga, which can help with our son’s anxiety.

At the meeting they almost turned this anxiety thing into a huge health concern, but then I spoke up and admitted that I struggle with anxiety as well. After admitting that, the guy from Vanier said everybody experiences anxiety, and from then on within the meeting, anxiety didn’t have this big taboo hanging over it.

I think it’s impressive that the school ordered things specifically for our son. A bouncy ball to sit on if he needs to, his very own bean bag chair, and little toys he can hold when he fidgets. As much as that is a positive effort to help our son, in a way it kind of singles our son out, and makes him a target for bullying. He just wants to fit in and belong, but keeps getting treated like he’s freakin stupid wither it be by fellow classmates, or teachers.  I know what that’s like. It’s hard to love yourself when you constantly feel belittled. Obviously he’s not stupid, they said so themselves at the meeting, he’s very good at math. I couldn’t be more proud, because math isn’t exactly one of my strengths . I think with the opposite side of the brain. I’m an artist.

Anyway, the plan is to have him finish the school year. My ex is looking into this program at Vanier, our son might do a year there. But after that, he will probably be transferred into a Catholic School. I’m not sure if things will be better in a religious based school, but we’ll see.

I’m glad my ex didn’t agree with The Big Brother program. My parents were close friends with this woman in Winnipeg. Anyway, her son participated in the Big Brother program and was sexually molested. At least that’s what I remember over hearing, I was pretty young when we used to visit that family. You don’t really know these strangers your leaving your children alone with.

Anyway, my ex said my presence made a difference. Glad I could sit in and observe. I hope things get better for our son, I really do. It breaks my heart to hear how much he is struggling. Everyone needs to pull their weight, including myself. How does that proverb go? I’m pretty sure I heard it years ago at N’Amerind;  “It takes a community to raise a child.” – Pooks

“People who love themselves, don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.”- Dan Pearce

 

 

 

Changing Direction

Okay, so that meeting at my son’s school didn’t happen. At least not yet. Not until next week. I’m not really that worried about it either. Matter of fact, I feel ready to take in whatever they have to say regarding my son. I can only share what I know, and seen with my time with my son, and for the most part, he’s been good.

Maybe this whole “their trying to point the finger in my direction” is something my ex assumed. Because now he thinks it’ll be attack on him. He expressed his concern that I would hop on the band wagon and go against him. Umm… no. I intend to go there, listen to what these people have to say, and just share my perspective during my access visits. Which are positive. I just think we just need to show him that there is more to life than just video games. When he plays with his toys, he plays as if it were a video game. He doesn’t really watch t.v shows, he watches Youtube videos about video games. Those are things I have noticed, and have been working on by getting him outdoors. He does well playing tag, running around, climbing, kicking a ball around, going for walks,… Sure he might complain at first, but once he’s out there, I think he makes the best of it. Yeah, he’s a little boy obsessed with video games, but it’s kinda hard not to run into a boy his age that isn’t.

A lot of families these days are cooped up indoors. The media has played it’s part on putting fear into people, keeping them glued to screens, being exposed to millions of advertisements to buy and consume. It’s got people brainwashed into thinking that it is dangerous outside. Stay indoors, it’s  not safe out there. Majority of the News is bad news. It’s no wonder people are scared shitless. That would be the bigger picture. So, how do families these days entertain their children indoors? More screens. T.V, video games, i pads, cell phones, computers…That is the younger generations entertainment these days.

These teachers, and myself weren’t exposed to that much technology when we were younger. I’m pretty sure they were told the same as I, which was, “Go play outside!” So yeah, when it comes to observing children these days, we got to understand their world is much different than ours. It’s hard to go anywhere without being exposed to some sort of technology, and media. That’s no excuse. But yeah, parents do have that challenge. Not unless you take a walk in the bush, which can be amazingly peaceful and refreshing.

Anyway, I’m not really scared of this meeting as much as my ex is. Maybe scared isn’t the word….more like he’s not looking forward to it.  It is about our son, and with all things considered, in today’s society, he’s just like every other little boy and their love for video games. The only difference is, other kids will stop talking and focus on a task, my son he can go on and on talking about video games. He kinda reminds me of some metal heads I know when they talk about metal. Haha!

Just as us parents have our challenges with children and technology, I think teachers do as well. Maybe they’re just too lazy to be creative and think; how do you get gamers interested in school?

Besides that, my daughter had her 6th birthday on Wednesday, and it was held at my exes place. I think it turned out well. Our son wasn’t allowed to play video-games, and he chose to play outdoors . I found that impressive that he chose outdoors as his next option.  I stayed until they were sent to bed. It was nice. There was cake, ice cream, our daughter had friends over, she got time to play with her Mama. Yeah, I think she had a successful 6th birthday. Silly me, I left my digital camera at home. I wasn’t going to leave the house until the battery was charged, and what do I do? I rush out the door without it. But I did get a few pictures thanks to my cell.

Other than that, I finally got my paper work into First Nation Housing for the Annual review. I had to get my taxes done, and I did. I made the workers there laugh and smile, that was pretty cool. Oh, I also completed my paper work for OSAP. Which reminds me, I was registered for Spanish, but I had to drop that, apparently there weren’t enough students registered in that class. So I replaced that class with Social Work. I figure it’s about time I start giving myself some kind of mental picture of where school could take me. Maybe starting off with an idea will help, rather than starting off clueless. I also signed myself up for anxiety management classes, because that seems to be my big down fall. It’s an on going battle, me and what whirls in my head.

I haven’t volunteered at The Arts Project for awhile, or gone to counseling. I think perhaps I was trying to take on too much. This time around, I just want to be focused on school.  The help is there if I need it. I just can’t be afraid to ask. I need to expect criticism, and not take it so personally. It’s okay not to be perfect, I am going to make mistakes, that is the best way to learn. Just got to keep reminding myself that. Failing is easy. Succeeding is what scares me. – Pooks

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”- John Lennon

 

 

World of Addicts

Having a little trouble keeping up with this blog, let alone anything else in my life currently. Thanks for your patience.

Things are just piling up, and yeah, for a bit there I was overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, I just wanted to say “Fuck it!” and crawl back in bed. But no, that didn’t happen. Instead, I grabbed myself a coffee, sat down, and wrote out a to-do list. Turns out, it looks a hell of a lot more manageable written down than it did in my own head. Apparently my imagination will exaggerate things and blur it all into an imaginary scribble of chaos within my head. Written down though, it’s not that bad after all. It will all get done! Even if I do have to deal with the stupidity of this brainless society. Why do I say that? Well, for my annual review for housing, I needed some kind of verification that I had been discharged from Ontario Works. No idea why they hadn’t asked this from me last year when I was discharged, but yeah, let’s wait and ask for this info months later when it’s lost within the house or possibly thrown out. Just wonderful! so yeah, I decided to call OW, hoping I could get a copy of this stupid letter, but no, I was sent in circles and repeatedly told “they do not do that.” Then what do you do?!!!… Besides send people in circles.  I don’t think these people in their cubicles realize just how dumb they sound. Ever frustrating. So yeah, I have come to the conclusion that the system trains you to be stupid. You get paid to be stupid, and their stupidity is beyond frustrating. This is where your years of training has gotten you?? Wow. And this is what is expected of me.

Perhaps my isolation has given me a perspective to see things everyday people wouldn’t notice. I don’t think they realize how dumb they are being. I just asked for one measly thing, and nope, sent in circles by these dumb brainless parrots!! And yeah, they are paid to be dumb. Pathetic. Is this where an education will lead you?

I thought I had all my paper work together for this review, but, apparently housing needs more, and they will have to wait a little longer, considering I still need to do my taxes. I will procrastinate as long as I can when it comes to dealing with people. I hibernate in my humble abode, and I think you can see why. I think I’ve painted the picture clear enough of how annoying it can be when I gotta deal with society.  Today I just don’t have the tolerance for stupidity.

As for school funding, I still need to apply for. I missed the due date for NNEC, so looks like I will be applying for OSAP alone. Huger dept in the end, but whatever. I need something to get my foot back in the door.

Rent is obviously late. I’m down to my last $100. That is it, that is all, unless I can get back into school, or sign up for OW for the summer. Considering I only got one response from all the resumes I sent out there, and it was a rejection letter, I think a job is out of the question. No one wants to hire a savage.  Life is freakin fabulous!  That’s me being sarcastic. I have 2 birthdays coming up for both my children, and yeah. Things are a bit tight right now.

What else? Apparently being summoned for a meeting at my son’s school. I guess he’s been saying some rather gruesome things such as blowing things up, and blowing peoples heads off. I’d hate to say I told you so about the video games, but whatever, I guess the finger is generally being pointed in my direction anyways. It MUST be the mothers fault, she’s a fuckin NATIVE! Go figure. I’ll go all right, and I’ll go looking freakin fabulous!  If I can out dress a C.A.S Worker at a court house, I can out dress a room of teachers.  I’ll make them all look freakin dumb for calling me in.

I guess what they want to do is put my son into Residential Care at Madame Vanier. I don’t think so. You really think I will let them mess with my time with my son, after all the years I waited and busted my ass just to get the time I do get. Nuuuh uh! Think again! Besides, I believe there is a reason Madame Vanier closed my sons file  back when he used to attend classes there, HE’S FINE!!  He’s a boy. Boys like things that explode, and all that stuff. Geez! This society is so judgmental. Not only that, if there was a concern between us parents, CAS wouldn’t have closed our case file. It seems like this school board is just trying to drag them back in.

According to sociology, parents don’t have that big of an influence on children as much as their peers do. So, since I am not the primary care giver of our son, MAYBE their father should sit down with our sons friends parents and talk about games and movies he’ll allow our son to play and watch. Take some charge at least. I’m not there!! Our son is getting exposed to some violent shit, and if it’s not at my house, or my exes (as he claims), then he needs to COMMUNICATE with these other parents of what he considers acceptable.

Like seriously, there is only so much I can do. I have weekends. I do try to make attempts to get my son away from screens period. During dinner, we do watch animated movies, but afterward, we walk that food off, get some exercise. I’ll keep our kids outside as long as I can or at least until the sun goes down.

It seems like screens have become a problem with our son since I had been assaulted years ago. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with the trauma, wither he knows it or not. When he was 5 years old, he was glued to the t.v, watching Garfield repeatedly. That movie was playing when the incident occurred.  I remember there were times I actually had to unplug all the televisions just to get him to do something else… he’s like an addict to screens. But in this day in age, everyone uses a screen to distract themselves from reality. It is a world of addicts.

Anyway, There were some games on my computer, such as Roblox, seemed kinda lego-ish, but as a pre-caution, I took it off my computer. I will be more strict when it comes to online games. Only games that don’t involve any killing, if it’s going to be that big of an issue. Our kids can play Sweetland, the Amazing World of Gumball, Angry Birds, stuff like that. I don’t download games, as they take up space, and slow down my computer.

It’s not like I haven’t expressed my concern for these violent video games before. I even shared my concern with CAS, and they just turned their other cheek and ignored it.

At the last visit my son was talking about horror movies, such as Predator, Paranormal Activity, and The Blair Witch Project. During one of our walks out doors we got into a dispute over things he seen on YouTube. Trying to tell me that the Minecraft Slenderman was real. That would be where I told him, you cannot believe everything you see on a screen. He was very stubborn about it, and yeah, I don’t think I fully convinced him that these things are NOT real. Hence, why I try to get him away from screens. Perhaps he’s taking things a bit too literal, which can be expected, he is only 8 years old, soon to be 9.

Besides, video games do not create memories. My goal is to create as many positive memories with the time that I do have, which I find works best when we venture outside. I discovered he has quite a good swing when he was hitting a plastic bottle off the bleachers with a stick. Who knows? He could get good at baseball. But like I said before, I’m not the primary care giver, when it comes to extracurricular activities, that is for his father to decide. I don’t know what they do. Besides swimming the odd time.

Other than all that. I did agree to have our daughters birthday party at my house, which means my ex coming over. I figured that would be nice, my daughter might really enjoy the company of having both parents present for her birthday.

My exes behavior has changed, or seems to be different. It’s taking some time to get used to. Heck, he even called me a “lady”.  Now I’m a lady? Whatever happened to dip shit, whore, slut, crack head, prostitute and all that other verbal abuse?  I find myself still being cautious. Paranoid he has an ulterior motive.  I hope I’m wrong. Once again, only time can tell. – Pooks

“An over-indulgence of anything, even something as pure as water, can intoxicate.”- Criss Jami