Supposed Love

I’m a day behind with this blogging thing. I was too exhausted yesterday, so yeah. Here it is, a day later.

Last weekend My ex and I went ahead with my weekend visit with my kids without a third party’s involvement. It was going good, until after I had put the kids to bed on Sunday at their dads house. I was invited for dinner, and to help get the kids to bed. So I did. Anyway, I had to wait awhile for the next bus, and my ex offered hot chocolate. I was like, sure. But then he just had to go and lay the whole “I was thinking about you these last four years, and you’ll never know how much I love you.” Ughh… Ever disappointing. I thought we had past this shit. He’s not getting me back, and that is final. Freakin guy says no one loves me, because I don’t have family to back me up. He was saying I don’t know what love is, or some shit like that. Wrong. I do have people that love me, they may not be family, but I consider them my underground art family. They’ve accepted me wholeheartedly, aspects of me, the weird, awkward, dark,  silliness and all. So maybe that was an attempt to manipulate, and yeah, that almost made me cry, saying I don’t know what love is. But then I was like, wait a minute, this is coming from my ex, I cannot listen to anything that comes out of his mouth. As in take anything he says seriously, or personally. Besides, just because I am kind to you, and I smile, and nod, and listen to your babble, does not mean I am interested and that you have a chance.

Looking around his home, I was like; no, I cannot have that invading my fortress that I call my home again. It’s no wonder our daughter calls my home “special”, I actually take care of it, and respect my home. So the kids kind of get a breathe of fresh air at my house, out of clutter.

Don’t get me wrong, he can be a nice guy, but every now and then he let’s the asshole out. For example: he tries to portray himself as this guy that respects women, but then he says something chauvinistic, like he’s disgusted with women, and he thinks they will dominate and ruin the world. That could be your daughter one day, dumb ass!! I’m not saying she’ll ruin the world, but I’m saying she could be a powerful woman in her future. Something most old white men fear. Heaven forbid that, sexist douchebags.

So yeah, I do agree with something he said weeks ago. We are two very different people. That we are. And that is why we will never work, so drop it already.

I will help with parenting, but no, I cannot picture an intimate future with that guy. Plus, he seems to think he can still pull off that mooch/ freeloader bullshit. Oh, Pooks is in school, she can work, get the job, and I’ll stay home and do fuck all, and live off her the rest of my life. No thanks. That sounds like a depressing freakin life. It would be like taking in an over grown child, that is almost 40 years old. I believe I tried that kinda thing over and over for over 5 years, and it didn’t work. Why the hell would it work now? It’s not going to. Excuse my pessimism! But after all that repetitious bullshit, I think I know the outcome.

So yeah, so not impressed that he dropped the words “I love you.” Which is soooo not true. I mean, we can’t even have a conversation, he’s doing majority of the talking, so he’s not really interested in anything I have to say. I just get cut off mid sentence. So don’t fuckin tell me you’re interested, when I know it’s bullshit.

So yeah, go figure, the moment a third party is out of the picture. Bam! Same shit. Different year. There has to be something seriously wrong with you if you can’t take the hint after 4 years of being separated.

Other than that, my time with my children has been wonderful, last weekend we went to the New School of Colour Family Day, that was fun, and very messy. Haha! My daughter was fascinated with the young Nepali Dancers that were dancing outside.  What else? We had a water balloon fight, we watched The Lego Movie… my time with them is always an adventure. I always look forward to it.

That reminds me, the reason my ex and I went with out Merrymounts services last weekend is because we are both experiencing financial struggles. He’s on welfare, I’m still waiting for financial assistance as a student. I was given an emergency bursary, that I was supposed to use for rent, but $40 was spent on my son’s birthday, $20 so that him and his friends could get into Adventures on Wonderland, another $20 on games there. $81 for a bus pass. $10 for a strip of children’s bus tickets. $200 for my text book. And about $100 on groceries to feed my kids when they’re over. So yeah, that’s where that went. My kids are my priority. Other things will have to wait until I finally get some financial support. It’s taking longer because I have to provide supporting documents regarding my mental health, and I don’t have it all together yet. I still need to do an assessment.

So yeah, even though I’m broke, not financially supported (yet), I go to school anyways. Consider it my self-discipline or punishment for fucking up the Winter Term. So while other students are enjoying the summer, I’m sitting in class re-taking a course I did not do so well the first time around. Funny how I say (yet), because my Summer Intermission class ends on the 20th. By the time I finally do get some financial support, the term will be over. Nothing like taking it’s sweet ass time.

It’s not like I can register for OW now, :” they don’t support students.” So just try to tough this out as long as I can. I feed myself at Indigenous Services, and pretty much try to save the food I have at home for my kids.

Other than that, it’s almost festival season. Looking forward to all the summer festivals, as I always do, starting off with Nuit Blanche, which isn’t this weekend, but the following weekend. Yaaay! Art everywhere! Love it.

I know I kinda ranted in this blog a bit regarding my ex, I mean even though we’ve been getting along for the most part, it’s just that I am annoyed and exhausted with his “supposed love”. He says I don’t know what it is, I’m pretty sure it’s not slavery. Newho, whatever. This whole “I love you” bullshit is just an eye roller. A head shaker. Something that makes you sigh “Oh brother.” Ya know? Are we ever going to move past this, and just be parents to our children? Or are his dumb stupid hormones always going to interfere? I’m interested in being a parent to our children, not his lover. Ughhh… Will he ever get the point? It’s been 4 years, and I’m having my doubts. What is wrong with you? – Pooks



It's like this, but with a male. CREEPY!

It’s like this, but with a male. CREEPY!