Release the Closed Door

Blog day! And there are a few things that are on my mind, completed unrelated to each-other. So I guess the question is, where to begin.

Things are going good with the visits with my kids, but as I’ve mentioned before there are some annoying things I have to put up with when it comes to my ex. Such as he thinks he knows me so well, or his idea of me, yeah that gets really annoying. He clearly doesn’t know me at all. Obviously. I mean, he was trying to tell me that I was all devastated when I turned 30 years old.  That I was all miserable about aging and that I was trashed on my 30th birthday. First off, he wasn’t there, so who the fuck is he to say what happened, he doesn’t have the slightest clue. Secondly, whoopidee shit. I’m in my 30’s.  Thanks to my Mama, Elizabeth King, for good genes, no one believes I’m 31 half the time anyways. Haha! I’m always getting I.D’ed at convenient stores. I guess the way I dress doesn’t help. I like to play with both “genders roles” when it comes to how I dress. Half female, half male… I’m pretty sure I’ve made my fascination with androgyny apparent. Thank you Diana Thorneycroft! Ever since I saw her photography back in high-school, I have seen androgyny as an art. I see nothing but beauty within in it.

Anyway, yeah, I’m pretty sure I blogged what happened on my 30th birthday here on WordPress. I was invited for dinner with 2 very sweet Christian friends of mine, whom eventually moved out to Saskatchewan. They made me a steak dinner, baked an awesome cake, we played around on the acoustic guitar, and yeah, we had some Crown Royal and Coke, but didn’t get plastered as my ex likes to assume. He doesn’t know, and has never met these fabulous friends of mine, so he has no right to say shit about their character. Let alone mine, considering our contact got cut off around that time. Thank god, because I was getting verbally abused through text messages by my ex. So it was a good thing I lost my cell, and all contact was cut off for a period of time. I has given time to actually heal so to speak.

Normally, I don’t drink. My thing is normally coffee. If I’m an addict of anything, it is caffeine. But lately, I’ve had a couple nights out with a friend that is visiting for the summer, a former co- facilitator of the New School of Colour. Matter of fact, she will be opening up and facilitating on Wednesdays starting next week, just for the month of August. Anywho, no I didn’t get plastered, my limit is 3 beers. Not what my ex called ” a beer” either. He used to call one of those large bottles “a beer”, which is like 3 in one. Whatever. I had a nice happy buzz at the St. Regis Tavern. On our second night there, after meeting up for coffee at Fire Roasted Coffee Company and creating some art ( I experimented and surprised myself drawing with the opposite hand), I got to watch her perform with her ukelele. Even the New School of Colour’s/ Old East Village media dude came out. That was cool. Lots of fun. There was lots of talent there during Open Mic Night.

I mean, my ex acts like I’m this social drunk person. But no, I’m an introverted hermit. I’m indoors, in my home majority of the time. I think the world is overwhelming and chaotic, and to avoid any anxiety, I normally stay in. Unless, I’m invited out by familiar people I know. I guess I’m like a vampire that way. You have to invite me first. Unless you are Julie or Ducky, whom, I visit spontaneously without notice. Haha!

Anyway, enough about that. I could explain myself 1000’s times, but my ex will just continue to think what he thinks. He has convinced himself that I am someone I am not. That’s his problem. It’s all in your head nut bar!

Newho, enough about him and his nonsense. It’s out of my system, let’s carry on!

My friend visiting from Montreal has asked a rather interesting question, what is it about creating art with other people? I guess she wants to pin point on that energy that takes place within the New School of Colour, and places like it. I do admit, creating art on my own, say at home, is a lot different than it is surrounded by other artists. But than again, at home alone, motivation can be a struggle. Even inspiration mind you. I mean, I was going to paint on the lid of a tin cookie container. I painted it black, and that was it. I hit a dead end. Haha! Although at the New School of Colour, idea’s tend to flow more easy. That might be because I am surrounded by art, and inspired by it. Not only that, but when you’re alone, idea’s can become stagnant. What I mean by stagnant is, you produce what you know, rather than actually pushing yourself to create something more challenging. In an environment where there is constant creating, there is that opportunity to learn from others around you, and grow. Hence, why I once defined the New School of Colour as a garden within an artist statement of mine, and why I keep returning.  I’ve been going since 2011, and the artists there just keep improving at their own pace. It truly is magical to see. As for motivation, we all become fans of each-others work, there is a lot of encouragement and praise that takes place within it. Each artist plays a role of inspiration. Even if you don’t think you’re that experienced, you could be inspiring to another artist within that studio. It doesn’t have to be the art. It could be the stages, the progress, the amount of effort put into your work, the passion. There is no doubt, that it is a positive environment, and I probably just touched base on the tip of it’s nose. There is a lot more to it, that energy that takes place, to define. I think to have an art therapist explore more on that, would be interesting to see. The information they gather from it all. I am just one perspective, one artist. There is a lot more perspectives to see through in our underground art studio. It’s quite amusing that our studio is underground, it’s like our secret little hide out. We go in and gather in our basement studio down under, and we come out splashing the community with art!

Besides all that, this month is almost over, and I will soon be back on Ontario Works, because the Dean of Art and Humanities at the University thinks I need to focus on my mental health, and what not. “I am happy to see that you are now seeking support, but I do believe that you to resolve the issues that have plagued you before you return to school rather than during your time at school. For this reason, and the fact that little was done to address your difficulties at the time they arose,  I have to deny your petition..” Haha! “Resolve”. That’s cute. Dude! I’ve been passed on from councilor to councilor ever since I was 6 years old. Now, if those “professionals” couldn’t help me “resolve” whatever is supposedly wrong with me, it’s likely it’s not going to be resolved. It’s permanent. It’s just finding what will help me cope through my waves of anxiety and depression without being doped up on prescribed drugs. I refuse to go there.

The whole, I am NOW seeking support. Sure I may not be consistent. But don’t tell me I’m not seeking support, I have. For years mind you, it’s not just a recent thing. Not to mention, when you get that freakin depressed, to the point your shutting the world out, it’s not an easy thing to suddenly snap out of. But then again, this guy clearly doesn’t understand anything regarding mental health issues.

Not to mention, that the way the economy is headed, and the global issues of today. There’s going to be more people experiencing anxiety and depression. It is becoming a norm, because technically, we are all in danger. Our own leaders and governments are putting us in that position, poisoning our food with chemicals, destroying our natural resources with oil and fracking. Our own disgusting prime minister approving genocide in another country. It doesn’t matter what race, or religion they are, it’s humans killing humans. Not only that, but humans exterminating defenseless humans, children. That is horrific. And if that has no affect on you as a human being, than what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, you’d think people would have evolved from past events of genocide, the outcome, the consequences. Have you people not learned fuck all from what happened to your Canadian Indigenous people? You’re just going to create more people like me that cannot conform into your system, but will be accepted by fellow outcasts, rebels and freaks. You’ll just create a growing enemy.

But no, by all means. Stigmatize me. Act like there’s a cure. There isn’t. Leaders are the problem.

“the extracurricular activities you undertook don’t appear excessive”

For someone with anxiety, yeah it was. I was on the board of directors, I was a volunteer at  The Arts Project, my schedule with my children’s visits changed to weekends, I dropped some of those things so that I could focus more on my studies. But I guess I’m suppose to  drive myself like a slave until I’m to drained to properly look after my kids, or want to continue to create art. Right? I didn’t let go of the New School of Colour, sorry, that keeps me sane so to speak. It is my voice in a way. But I don’t expect a person so conditioned into the system to understand that. A sheep is driven by money, convinced they NEED money to live. Fuck the money, that’s not what you need to live. You need your natural resources, DUH!! But not only that, you need each-other! Stop killing off your fellow humans for petty fuckin reasons. It’s stupid. Money makes people stupid. Ughhh! It’s sickening. Yeah, I’d rather call myself an alien.

I got off track there. But yeah, what may be too much for one person, may not be too much for the next. But I guess this Dean cannot comprehend that.

The Dean was my art history teacher, the pop culture and media half of the course during Fall/Winter 2013. And as I explained before, he didn’t teach as well as the women do at the university. Just because you move your hands it doesn’t mean you’ll keep the class engaged. Not to mention, in the first class he said “Capitalists decide what art is.” And yeah, I was repulsed and I highly disagree with that sentence. The artist will not only tell you what art is, but they will show you. Too much credit is given to the Capitalists. Fuck them!

Anyway, that e-mail didn’t say anything about when I could register again. Hopefully in 2015. At least I was able to improve my mark in Sociology. In the mean time, back onto Ontario Works. I’ll continue to see my psychologist at the University. Speaking of which, I will have to re-book. I missed the last appointment because that e-mail got me rather distraught. Emotionally, I needed the time to cope with that disappointment. Thank my friend for inviting me  out, it’s shown me, that positive experiences can still be had even after receiving bad news. It’s not the end of the world, and I can still make the best out of life.

Onto OW, and job searching I guess. Back to square one. Some volunteering, maybe get some kind of art related part-time job I could tolerate. I’m not going to be able to support having my kids on weekends with just OW alone. So time to start thinking of places I could possibly apply to. I admit, I have lacked effort in job searching before. I like to live spontaneously, so a job restricts that to the bore of repetition. Partly why I despise dishes so much. It’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t look forward to it. There is no creativity in repetition. My mind likes to wonder, explore, and try new things. Restrains, I don’t like restrains period. But you know what they say, one door closes, another opens. I just need to find it. – Pooks

“The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.”

– Bansky

 

 

 

 

 

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Traveling Star

Looks like my appeal got rejected in regards of returning to UWO. I guess I’m just too fuckin mental and not perfect enough.

Oh I didn’t deal with my anxiety and depression sooner. It’s not like I haven’t been trying JACK-ASS!! And a severe sprain isn’t a reasonable enough answer to not do well academically. I’d like to see you try to hobble on crutches in the winter, with weak ass fuckin arms that aren’t used to lifting your own weight.

And here I thought learning from your mistakes was the best way to learn, apparently that isn’t so in this fucked up system.

What I found amusing is how the Dean thinks that my health issues, that I could have been dealing with for as long as I could remember, will miraculously get better. For all I know, I could be dealing with anxiety for the rest of my life, realistically.

There are thoughts stirring in my head at the moment. The usual, “Why fuckin bother?” Followed by… ” I don’t fit in this stupid fuckin system anyway.” “See what happens when you try to be something you’re not.” “That world will never accept you.”

I was supposed to go see my psychologist today, but yeah, fuck it. A psychologists job is just another way to conform people into societies norms, and if you haven’t noticed, you’re values and norms are fucked.

You say people need to be empathetic. Yet the system is so hypocritical. If you were so empathetic, my sociology teacher wouldn’t have been shunning the east. Teaching the students that the East is bad. It’s no wonder OEV struggles trying to overcome the slanderous labels spoken and spread by prissy little bitches. Hate & fear is being taught. Even in employment centres, such as Goodwill Career Centre, when you do the orientation, that one guy makes fun of the coffee house, poking fun at the people that aren’t wealthy. People struggling with addiction, and the homeless. This is the attitude that is acceptable? Clearly that is what you are teaching and I have witnessed it myself!!I’m sorry, I don’t want my head to be that far up my own ass, that I forget what it means to be empathetic.

Even my own children are being taught to look down on others in society within their school. It’s disturbing. I don’t like the perspective that is being taught to my son regarding the homeless. He disrespectfully calls them hobo’s, and thinks they are an utter disgrace. Not cool. Don’t fuckin teach that shit to my son! Freakin giving me more work to counteract your evil  with compassion & empathy. Oh and another thing, if the father doesn’t want pictures being taken of our children at their school, than freakin respect his wishes. GEEZ!!!

Anyway, All you teach are illusions. Your so called barriers of culture, religion, social & financial status, Ethnicity, and race, even your so called borders. It’s all fake, made up bullshit. Sure, your skin may look different than mine. But without light bouncing off everything, which gives everything it’s colour, what are we? I could be something you made up in your mind. A wave of thought, of light and sound. Erase the image of your physical form, and think of yourself as a traveling star, a ball of light,  that is probably all you are. And if so, than we are massive light as one, but broken into little shards each. There is no barrier to separate ourselves from each-other if you are nothing but light.

But of coarse, that thought will be seen as crazy, because of religion. Thoughts and belief that you have been conditioned to believe. Majority, probably without a choice. I consider myself lucky, because I was given that choice. So I did have the freedom to think, which, if you haven’t noticed, isn’t allowed within your made up divisions. Why aren’t you allowed to think for yourself, or question anything? Why aren’t you allowed to doubt? Maybe because by doing so, it might just change things, and your precious elite would not like that. They are abusing you, and are comfortable in control over you.

Speaking of abuse, remember how I wanted to break the cycle? Well, it’s kind of hard to do if violence is so acceptable globally. I mean, this isn’t a personal problem anymore, it’s a global issue.  Just saying. In order to break that cycle, the world will seriously have to look at themselves, and the way they resolve their issues. I’m sorry, but bloodshed has never resolved anything. Matter of fact, it’s induced by cowardice fear, as a last resort because who the fuck ever feels they are losing control. Maybe you are not meant to control or be controlled. I mean, if that’s the way it’s supposed to be regarding personal relationships, than that’s how it should be for all of humanity. Just a thought.

Sometimes I think the world needs to shut it self down to get the point across. People need to stop driving, stop working, stop producing for your corporations, and just stop. Like a fellow activist suggests, a global strike. Then maybe the Capitalists will get the message that they have gone too far. Especially when you think about issues like Palestine and Gaza. Maybe if their precious money gets put on hold, workers refuse to work, maybe they will get the message that us people are freakin serious. It’s not like we can’t support and feed each-other for the time being as communities. But why won’t people ever do this shit? One answer, fear. You’ve been abused so much, that you are afraid to “do the wrong thing”.  You are all walking on eggshells.

Anyway, I totally got side tracked there. It is disappointing that I may have to wait until 2015 to retake visual arts. But it’s not like I cannot teach myself, and improve my art skills on my own.

Which reminds me of another thing, regarding sociology. Supposedly, artists are “unrealistic”. I think I see more clear than most. Matter of fact, it gets frustrating how blind people are to their own illusions. But whatever, people are going to think what they think, and this is just one perspective. Hopefully, an infectious one. – Pooks

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”- Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

 

Positive Things are Ahead

Think. Think. Think! I don’t know why I try to think so hard when I’m trying to start  a blog post, I just end up typing whatever my thoughts are at that point in time anyway. Stop trying to plan it, and just type!

So, hmm… I know I had posted twice last week, but there was quite a bit on my mind, and I always feel better once it’s out of my system wither through my art, or writing. Just get it out, and move on kinda thing, other wise it will just linger there in my brain and manifest itself slowly into an emotional, psychological,  mental snowball. Can’t have that. I have enough things that overwhelm me in this world. So yeah,  writing is like a filter in a way. Write it out, and move on.

This past weekend was wonderful. I mean, I know I knit-pick sometimes regarding my ex, but if you look at the overall picture, I am very fortunate. I have more time with my children, it’s better than just an hour or 2 a week. My weekend visits are scheduled for 10am Saturday, to 5pm Sunday ( for 2 Weekends in a row). Since we’ve been doing exchanges without a third party, yes my ex has been late, or I end up having to do both the picking up and dropping off. Which does cut into my time with the kids, but I think that time is made up for on Sunday evening when I do the drop off, because my ex invites me for dinner, and I get to spend more time with our children until they go to bed. We still try to stick to the same schedule, every third Friday my visit is in their area of the city. Some things have changed, such as our son, if he chooses not to come along during one of my visits, that’s fine. I do understand that he is getting older, and yeah a 9 year old boy would much rather be doing other things then hang out with his Mommy and little sister.  Plus, the quality time with his father could be beneficial. Not to mention, while his sister is away, him and his father have a meat feast. Our daughter doesn’t eat much meat, mostly white meat. So I guess they indulge in our absence. Haha!

I am glad that this past weekend I didn’t have to hear about so and so thinks I’m a street walker non-sense. But this week, it’s been more talk about history,  society, and capitalism basically. Thank you, I would rather listen to that than childish gossip. My ex has been doing his research tracking way back in history, one book he told me to check out was the Book of Enok. So there’s another book to add to my “To-read” list. I have so many I wanna read. But first I have to finish what I have, and I jumping from book to book, so there’s a number of books I need to complete. Plus my text books that I got from school, the chapters we didn’t cover during the term.

There was a court date scheduled for this past Tuesday, and I didn’t make it. I’ve been exhausted, and my body has been recuperating from all the running, jumping, climbing I did on Sunday, plus the large amount of walking that I do. So yeah, my body was begging for rest. I don’t really give it much of a chance to do so otherwise. It’s like I hit a brick wall of exhaustion, and my body is like; nope, you’re not going anywhere today. You are staying put and resting dammit!!

But yesh, court! According to my ex, that was only for if either of us had a dispute towards the current arrangements. I have no complaints about my access, matter of fact, I am grateful. My ex is grateful for the down time, and I am grateful for the time with our children. Maybe one day, I could have joint custody, but for now, I am appreciating what I have. It is more than I had before.

I’m not sure what is going on when it comes to enrolling into University for the Fall/ Winter Term 2014. My account is on hold, so I cannot enroll in anything as of yet. I’m not sure if my academic probation has been pardoned or lifted yet.  I did write a letter with my Indigenous Services counselor, and gave in supporting documents from my psychologist, and a learning strategist counselor.

I did pass Sociology during the summer term, I got a mark, and it’s not an F. Thank goodness! I mean, my plan was to slowly work my way up. so during the summer I took one course I had failed previously. I was hoping to take on the other 2 courses, Visual Arts Studio, and Art History during the Fall/ winter 2014. I am seeing a psychologist now at the University, I am working on my own personal barriers. I mean seriously, it’s art, I know I am more than capable than doing better than an F, I just needed the support to help me cope with my mental health. I need to be more aware of my own thoughts and emotions, because sometimes they get a lil chaotic and send me spiraling, to the point I avoid shit and try to sleep it all way. And as I have discussed with my psychologist, does that really solve anything? NOOOOO!!! Haha! There are other ways of responding to these thoughts and emotions, and I am learning.

Matter of fact, I seen my psychologist today, and I was sent home with homework. I am to fill out a chart to help me keep track of my thoughts, emotions, triggers and responses for whenever I experience anxiety. But I am also to note down positive thoughts, emotions and responses, just so that I can get a clear picture of both. I am to also practice a breathing exercise everyday.

I guess for someone like myself, with a long history of abuse, there wasn’t really a parent, or guardian to walk me through how to cope with emotions.  Ya know? A parent may sit down with a child that might not understand what they are feeling, and they kinda walk them through it. You are feeling this sad because _______, let’s work on a solution. So yeah, now that I’m all grown up, I find myself having to learn on my own…well not necessarily on my own, but I have to reach out to others to learn these skills I may be lacking. I am a bit impulsive, reactive, spontaneous, very in tune with my emotions… I guess I can be perceived as a wild woman to society for my lack of control of my own thoughts and emotions.  My point is; I need to be aware of my own thoughts. Ya know? I’m not always in danger, or threatened. My guard doesn’t need to constantly be up. It comes down to controlling my own thoughts. Basically slowing down, stepping back,  grabbing the reigns and controlling what I think. Being able to step outside myself and look at the situation, and how to problem solve. Sometimes I can handle it successfully. Like the time I thought I was being evicted, and I needed an answer so I made a phone call. Other times, not so successful, I fall back into habits of avoidance and sleep, and well…as you’ve seen numerous times throughout this blog, it solves nothing. It takes practice to learn a new way to think. To be consciously aware of what you are thinking. Thoughts are powerful, and rather than letting it control me, I have to control them.

Other than all that, I do have some things to look forward to. Such as this coming Friday, The grand opening of the New School of Colour Art Exhibit at The Root Cellar ( London, ON) takes place at 7pm. I have more than one art piece displayed there that is up for grabs if anyone is interested. By all means check it out!

This Saturday the Old East Village Block Party takes place on English Street. I am hoping to attend, and bring my children, if not my son, then at least my daughter. I heard there’s going to be a barbeque, a bouncy castle, interactive art, and music, and who knows what else. I mean, part of my duty as a parent is to socialize my children, and what better place to bring them than a community I love.

Next Thursday, me and 2 fellow New School of Colour ladies will be going to the Palace Theatre to watch The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. Two very classic movies. I mean, I must’ve seen Labyrinth more than 1000 times in my life time, and I would definitely watch it again in a theatre. Not to mention, with 2 fellow artists and friends I can be my silly self with.  Absolutely.

Oh! And yesterday, my friend Kim gave me a X-mas ornament that she ordered from K & C Customized Creations that was just mind blowing. Not only was it my favorite colour blue, but it also had my artist alias name on it; Pooks. I love it! I cannot thank Kim and K & C Customized Creations enough. Check out the FB page, give it a like. I heard that the lady has started to take in orders for the X-mas balls, they’re very popular. You can even check out what I was given on that page. Just look for the blue X-mas ornament that says; “Pooks”. Pretty awesome for $5 each. 😉

https://www.facebook.com/pages/KC-Customized-Creations/202940436536896?fref=ts

Oh! And last week I helped out another artist friend, whom I have not seen in awhile. I basically helped out with typing out book references on her computer. she appreciated my help, and I appreciated the experience. I mean, the extra practice with book referencing could come in handy when it comes to University, and writing academically.

So, I don’t know. Things have been kinda chill lately. Nothing to rant about personally. That’s a good thing, and positive things are ahead Yaaaaaay!

– Pooks

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.”- J Sidlow Baxter

Spotlight

Well since my life is just so freakin interesting, right down to “OMG!! Pooks is talking to this person, or that person”, here’s another post. I mean, since I’m already in your spotlight, let me just adjust the lighting here. Haha!

So just because I bought smokes off this native dude, that is a father to one of our daughters lil friends, my ex does what he does. Tells me that the guy told him that I’m a “street walker.” Ever convenient. Haha! Same shit as always. So and so spoke to me, so they’re N.F.G (No fuckin good). And I find it amusing how from my perspective, how coincidental it is that everyone that my ex speaks to makes the same assumption; she’s a whore. Umm… no. So obviously, this is made up bullshit, by my ex, because he’s insecure I’ll go running off with this dude. Not like my ex has a chance either. But seriously, I just bought smokes off the dude and it turns into this big crazy hype. Get a grip.The guy is being possessive and I’m not even his girl anymore.

Not to mention, I don’t give a shit who he dates, or who he’s fucking, let alone speaks to. It’s none of my business. Yet he’s gotta stick his nose in mine. I actually want him to move on. But he keeps holding onto this thought that we will reconcile and get back together. Nope, not gonna happen. Just the little things show me, he’s still the same jack-ass, and I am better off without.

An example, the kids and I lined up as my ex was gonna serve ice cream. Clowning around, as he was getting our daughters ice cream prepared. I was saying “Mine! Mine! MINE!!” He made this hand gesture like he was grabbing my throat. Isn’t that how he assaulted me years ago? Why would you do that? If that’s his idea of a joke, it’s not funny.

Even if he’s thinking of our kids when it comes to who I could possibly get involved with. It’s not like I ever stuck my nose into who he’s been dating. Supposedly according to him, the last girl he was seeing was crazy, banging on his door really late at night, or whatever. Not my business. You’re a big boy. As a parent, I’d think he’d figure out who would be suitable to have around our children and who isn’t. But no, does the same apply to me? No. He doesn’t trust my judgment.

Anyway, even if this freakin guy I did buy smokes off of did say I’m a street walker, it don’t matter. You clearly have no idea who the heck Pooks is. I am an artist, a writer, and one day, maybe even a freakin legend!! Although, I don’t believe that is what he said. I do believe he asked my ex “Whose that broad?” And that triggered my exes insecurities to make up the remaining bullshit. Okay, just the word “broad” knocks that dude onto the “not a chance” list. If you just see me as a hot “piece of meat” you wanna bang, no thanks. My mind has to be what lures and captivates a guy’s attention, not my exterior. That is nothing but a shell, and it will age and crumble eventually.

It’s frustrating. Yes, my ex and I get along for the most part. We are being civil. But clearly my ex still thinks he can control of who I speak to just because I am his children’s mother. I’M NOT YOURS ANYMORE!!! AND YOU ARE NOT MINE!!! Let go.

I’m not even looking for a relationship right now. If it happens, it happens. My focus is on myself, how to better myself and my situation. Hence, why I nose-dived back into the University. Sure that can sound selfish. But a better, and improved me, is a better, and improved Mama.

And how many times do I need to say that my standards have been raised? If my ex don’t fit those standards, the guy I bought smokes from isn’t gonna fit those standards either. Just sayin.

It always comes down to this Pooks is a whore bullshit, and that’s just nonsense. But I might as well clear it up, once AGAIN. My children and their father live in a low-income complex, and well… small communities love their gossip. So no, Pooks is not a street walker. I mean, yes, I do sometimes take walks at night, but I’m not a hooker. I’m the girl with the headphones on, dressed like a boy, walking and listening to my tunes, enjoying the moonlight. Sometimes, I’ll even take pictures while I’m out and about. The night is much cooler than it is during the day, and I don’t have the sun burning my eyes out. The moon is more gentle on the eyes. Plus, I love blue, and everything turns into shades of blue at night if you haven’t noticed.

This is my wonderful life, trying to co-parent with a past abuser. Not easy. But I do feel wiser. I observe, analyze, reflect, and share. Maybe someone out there could be trying to do the same thing. Maybe my knowledge can be helpful in a way. I don’t know.

Instead of letting these accusations sink under my skin, I laughed about it, because it’s the same old shit, and I know what I am and what I am not. And the people that do know me know that those false claims  are utterly ridiculous. Of coarse I deserve better than that stupidity, and one day I will find it. But for now, I’m enjoying the greatest love of all, and that is the love for myself.

Maybe you can’t stand me. Maybe you love me so much, you hate me for it. I don’t know. Whatever your dilemma, that is your problem to sort out. Because in my little world, Pooks is fabulous. 🙂  – Pooks

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Salt Shaker

Long time no see! It’s nice to see that people have been visiting my blog here even though I have been absent for months. Thank you. I appreciate your dedication, and thanks for the patience.

So after a long period of not posting a blog in awhile, here it is! Finally. So what happened? After I had failed the Winter/ Fall Term I wasn’t satisfied with myself, so I spontaneously dove back into the educational system with a different approach. I originally was registered for Sociology, and Social Work, but after talking to a counselor I talk to regularly, she advised I focus on retaking the courses I had failed in the first place, just in smaller portions. Start small, and work my way up. So I dropped Social Work, and was focused on Sociology, and I signed myself up to participate in a Mood & Anxiety Group. Let’s face it, depression and anxiety is what defeated me the first time around at this University. So yeah, tackle those barriers, and find ways to cope. Not only that, but I got hooked up with a psychologist that I meet with every week or 2. I admit, at first I was skeptical about the psychologist, but then I saw a similarity with what she wants to work on, to the counselor I had at SOAHAC. So were basically starting off with a similar strategy where my SOAHAC counselor had left off, and put my guard down.  Let’s do this, target my thoughts, and thinking habits. It’s not easy changing a thinking pattern. Or to be aware, in that chaotic million thoughts of panic per second. It’s going to take some practice.

Anyway, yes, I did take a different approach the Summer Term, it was amazing, kind of stupid, spontaneous, but a smart move at the same time. I say this because I had no financial support for 2-3 months. I did get an emergency Bursary, but that went to getting a bus pass so I could get to school, groceries to feed my kids on weekends, and my Sociology textbook. I guess I was supposed to use some of that towards my rent, but to me, feeding my kids was more important.

So yeah, I rattled my own cage for a while there. It was stressful. Slowly things were shutting down, being cut off. My internet got disconnected, my hydro got disconnected, and I eventually got an eviction notice. I was very panicky, wondering if the struggle was even worth it. Maybe I should give up and go back on OW. But no, I stuck with it. I had an excellent Sociology professor, even though she spoke to the class, I felt encouraged when she said “Hang in there, it will be worth it”.

So even if spontaneity can be seen as deviant in our society, I think I displayed how it can be a positive. Despite my struggles, I did get through it, and got my Sociology credit. I passed, with the help of a third year Sociology Student. She helped me study, and gave me some tips. Better than throwing it all aside, and getting an F.  Ya know? I didn’t pass with flying colours, I did miss the first week. But hey, I passed. To me, that is amazing. Especially since the Summer Term is so fast paced. I’m actually quite proud of my accomplishment. I worked hard to catch up, and keep up.

Anyway, I didn’t receive any OSAP funding until the term was over. So finally my rent is taken care of. I had some help with my hydro bill from the Salvation Army. I am very thankful for that, I think I was living in the dark for about a week, using candles and what not. It kinda sucked when my hydro got disconnected, because a lot of food that my friend bought for the kids, when I have them over on weekends, went bad. I felt horrible that it all went to waste.

So for one of my weekend visits with my children, my ex let me spend the day around his place to see my kids. Ya know? Since I had no power over my place, and couldn’t really cook anything for our children. So we just arranged a Saturday visit, like we have on Fridays, except earlier in the day. It turned out good. Thank my ex for the lunch, the coffee, the dinner, the freezies, and just the support during that point in time. Thanks for the optimism, and saying something a long the lines of ” A struggle only means something big and positive is on the way.”

Our son is going the finish the year at the school he’s at, then transfer to a Catholic School next year. If that doesn’t work out, my ex is considering to home-school our son. If it comes to that, my ex certainly has the time on his hands to do it.

Anyway, besides all that, things are good! I got a painting being displayed at The Starving Artist. Soon, another one will be up at The Root Cellar.

Hailey a former New School of Colour volunteer has returned for a couple months, so that’s awesome. It’s good to see her face again. She fits right in, like she never left. 🙂

Oh yeah, I am no longer on the Board of Directors when it comes to First Nation Housing Co-op. Their meetings always land on a Sunday, and since my schedule has changed, I can no longer make these meetings. Sunday evenings I drop my kids off to their dad’s place, and I get invited for dinner, and stay until our kids go to bed.

Right as of now, at this very moment, I am currently getting over a cold, or flu, or something. I caught something. That’s rare. I hardly ever get sick. But it’s chest congestion, stuffy nose, sore chest, sore throat I’m so congested that it had effected my ears.  I’ve just been a stuffed up ball of painful snot. But I am getting better, and thank goodness it was garbage day this morning. That garbage seriously needed to go.

Things are good, getting back on track with bills and what not. Hopefully I’ll be returning to school in the Fall to repeat Visual Arts, and Art History. I told my counselor at Indigenous Services that one problem I had with it the first time was that I did not like being told what to do when it comes to my art. But then she said I could tweak the projects and make it my own. I guess that’s what I’ll have to do, to keep myself interested in it. Otherwise, I’ll just see it as I did last time. Like it’s turning art into a factory line, and that’s not what art is in my opinion. Art is a message from the soul. – Pooks

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man be perfected without trials.”- Danish Proverb