Long Road to Recovery

First off, I would like to apologize for this post being late. If you haven’t noticed, I normally try to post something every Tuesday. I try to make that my blog day. But unfortunately, I am still recovering from food poisoning. So majority of the time I’m in bed, in pain, or running to the washroom. I feel okay as in this very moment, fingers crossed. There have been a number of times I thought I was getting better and my stomach proved me otherwise. It has been 5 days now, which it’s supposed to go away by then. I don’t think that Pepto Bismol was a good idea. I think it just prolonged my recovery. But damn it! I’m just trying to nurse myself back to health. As in this very moment, I am okay. I have my bottle of water, plenty more in the fridge, and my diet has been rather bland lately.

My Birthday was on Monday, so thanks to all those fabulous peeps that wished me a happy birthday. Although I did not celebrate it the way I had planned. I was supposed to have a visit with my kids this past weekend, and I was going to bake a cake and celebrate it with my babies the day before. Obviously that didn’t happen because I was sick.

My ex seems a bit impatient with my recovery. It seems like since I couldn’t take the kids home this past weekend, he’s been calling everyday, asking if I am better yet. Still the same, still the same. Kinda inconsiderate that way. I get rushed to recover, but did I ever do that to him? No. I let him sleep, or whatever.

Then again, he’s probably got our daughter bugging him about missing mommy, because mommy actually gets down on the floor and plays with her. My ex has it in his head that it’s not his job to entertain the kids, so their kinda left to their own devices. Often my daughter gets bored, she wants someone to play with.

Anyway, I got to talk to my daughter on the phone on my birthday. I wasn’t impressed to what I had heard. Our daughter’s favorite colour was purple, apparently that isn’t anymore because it is “gay”. I guess Daddy’s homophobia is being passed on to our kids. He’s teaching them to hate. I know he’s had a traumatic experience that get’s him think that gay people are pedophiles. Not all gay people are pedophiles. I happen to be friends with many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and duo-gender personality types. Not to mention, I enjoyed  interviewing a drag queen on Twitter, not that long ago. The diva that loves the tutu’s. So adorable.

Another thing that kinda annoyed me, was when I was visiting on Thursday, I was talking about this woman I respect, and my ex goes; “This isn’t gonna be a lesbian thing, is it?” So if I talk about inspirational women that are actually trying to get shit done within this fucked up world, it gets assumed as a lesbian thing? ERRRR!!! Annoying! Dude you got issues!

Some things he does just gets right under my skin, and ERRR!!! What the heck is wrong with you?! Although, he is letting me see our children more. That’s cool. I mean, visits normally don’t land on a Thursday, that was the day we decided he could pay me back the $40 I lent him. Which he paid back, and we planned to have a family dinner that day and treat our kids to Chester’s chicken.

It turned out well, although our daughter would not go to sleep. I mean, it was 3am, she was still awake, my ex and son were fast asleep. Since I was getting tired, and I still had to walk home, I brought her upstairs and sent her to bed. My daughter and son worry about walking home alone at night. I keep trying to reassure them that I will be fine. I’ve walked outside at night numerous times. I think they keep trying to get me to sleep over, but no, that’s not happening. I have my own home, and own bed to sleep in.

I got to see an amazing sunrise on the way home though. That was cool. 

I wish I could say I did something exciting on my birthday, but nope. I was home, recuperating. I did make it to the New School of Colour for a little bit, and started on a new painting. But then it was back home to recuperating. I was testing my health, and wasn’t that much better as I thought I was.

I didn’t make it out to The Bog like I wanted for my birthday, but that’s okay. Maybe next year.

Other than that, I’ve only gone outdoors to pick up Pepto Bismol, bread, banana’s and toilet paper. I read on a site that you’re supposed to limit your activity , and get lots of rest when it comes to food poisoning. I’m not sure what food did it, or beverage. We all had the same thing on Thursday, and my ex and our kids are fine. Other than that, I had black coffee, and a Java Monster. Unless it was the Ark food on Wednesday, but everyone that ate the same thing that day seems fine. It would really be ironic, and seriously suck, if it was the coffee that did this to me. I do love my coffee. It could have been anything. Even dishes or utensils that weren’t washed properly, contaminated in bacteria. So it’s hard to narrow it down to precisely what caused this nuisance, and where it may have occurred.

I have been avoiding my friend with cancer. After visiting her for almost an entire week that one week. I can’t be around the same people everyday. And quite honestly, it just doesn’t feel very productive. While I’m there, I sit there and watch her in her chair. If she’s not in her chair, I sit there and watch her sleep. It kinda gets boring, depressing, and of coarse I have nothing to talk about if I’m visiting everyday. It’s like, I just saw you yesterday, there isn’t much to talk about. Nothing new. Not to mention, I’m more of a listener, not a talker. And well, she wants me to talk. Chores at home don’t get done if I’m at her place every day, minus the weekend when I see my kids. Then when my ex comes to pick the kids up, and he’s disappointed because my house is a mess. Well fuck me sideways!! Can’t please everyone.

I’ve been attempting to get some chores done, such as dishes, but like I said, I cannot be too active with food poisoning, so cleaning this week, is at a very slow pace.

I wish I had better material to write about besides my stomach. But that’s majority of my week right there, the joys of food poisoning.

The sooner I get better, the sooner I see my kids again. Let’s hope this doesn’t last too much longer. Otherwise I will be making a trip to the hospital.  – Pooks

“Just like there’s always time for pain, there’s always time for healing.”- Jennifer Brown

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Stirring the Emotional Riot

After an hour of just sitting here contemplating what to write, staring at this blank space…it’s time to write.

I feel like I’ve been trying to avoid what is on my mind. Maybe it will just be better if I get it out.

Next Tuesday there will be a Rally and March in Solidarity with Mike Brown, Ferguson, and all the victims of police violence.  I will be attending, because quite honestly, I think the police don’t hesitate to kill a coloured person in this racist world. It happens way too often. I am reminded of Dudley George, whom was also killed by a police officer.

Colour is not a crime, for some reason we are the targets. Gaza, Palestine, Israel, all colour. Whose supplying the weapons? U.S? U.K? Obviously a wealthy old white man. If you think about Pipeline number 9, where it begins and ends, are aboriginal communities that experience the side effects. I know when I say side effects, it doesn’t sound like much, but literally these communities lives are put at risk. Besides the pipeline, Aamjiwnaang First Nations are exposed to the pollutants in “Chemical Valley”. Many community members there have died from cancer. Apparently, people of colour are on top of the list of extermination.

My ex told me to look of Georgia’s Stone, and what I found was frightful. Carved in stone are the following words; “Maintain humanity under 500,000,000.” That’s just one of the “commandments” written by man. Limiting the population of the earth to 500 million will require the EXTERMINATION of nine-tenths of the world’s people. That means, only 10% whom they choose, will be worthy of living.

Well no wonder your Government is trying to poison you with GMO’s, and fuck up your natural resources, they are literally trying to kill you.

As for the police, they supposedly serve and protect. Serve and protect who? Definitely not the people. I mean, they’ll show up at peaceful rallies and make arrests no problem. Yet, our Government is full of criminals, and not a single arrest is made. Instead of fighting for peace, they fight against it. The only thing they serve and protect are the interests of the Capitalists.

I think what these police officers fail to see is that without their uniform, they too are just one of the people. Not the 1%, but part of the 99%.

I fear for all people of colour, as well for anyone within the working-class or lower.  I fear for my children that are being brought up into all this. My son has already experienced some discrimination in the education system, and he’s not even 10 years old yet.

Racism seems to be an ancient form of hate we keep passing on. Partly why I turned away from religion. After doing some research and realizing it teaches people to hate each-other, and doesn’t allow people to think for themselves.

I don’t believe in a heaven, and I don’t believe in a hell. I believe those are nothing but fiction, made to induce fear so the elites can control you. The only heaven and hell there is, is what we make it here on earth. And unfortunately, too many people would rather make it a living hell. Especially the people in power. They are the ones promising you eternal life if you slave your asses off for them, so they can continue to live in luxury. Not only that, but the bible gives off the impression that if you make money, you are worthy to go to heaven. If that doesn’t make you think, or question it all, then what the fuck? Like seriously, they try to convince you, or already have for majority of the religious population, that everything will be better when you are dead. You are expected to waste your life, serving them like a machine for their sake. Meanwhile, maybe your purpose here is far greater than that.

I believe each life is valuable. Unlike capitalists that value money over life. I believe every single person was given their own unique gift to contribute to the land, and to each-other. Not for the capitalists selfish needs.

The way things are going saddens and concerns me. In a way I wish the people would just go on a Global Riot. Show your pain, show them your hurting. Tear their system down. I don’t mean to go hurting each-other, these are times when we need each-other the most.  Our differences and false illusions that separate us from each-other need to be put aside. Your blood is as red as mine. Sometimes, in order to change things, you need to deviate. It won’t happen if you’re too scared. Make as much noise as you can, because your life matters, you are valuable, and the generations that follow, their lives matter too. – Pooks

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Little Frog

I can’t really say I’ve done much this past week. I’ve visited my terminally ill friend almost everyday last week, keeping her company.This week, I haven’t stopped by yet. I kinda need a break from that. It seems lately everything is about death; my terminally ill friend, Palestine, and just recently, Robin Williams commits suicide due to depression.

It’s pretty tragic when what seemed like one of the happiest dudes ever, turns out to be one of the most sad, and is taken by that feeling of hopelessness. Depression should be taken much more seriously. But that just goes to show that not even your precious money and supposed success in this stupid world can “cure” it.

Other than all that, I completed a painting, and started on a new one at the New School of Colour. I completed the first layer, but of coarse I forgot to get a picture of my progress, which I normally post on Twitter or Instagram. Oh well, I’ll get a chance to do so on Wednesday.

I’ve been trying to get all the remaining documents my OW worker needs. Our meeting didn’t go so well. I kinda had a melt down. Not only did I not sleep the night prior, but I was also PMSing. Not to mention, the whole intake process is just utterly frustrating. She say’s they’re not all the same, ummm… yeah you are. You all play dumb, because your paid to be dumb. Asking the same stupid questions that should already be on your damn computer.  Not only that, but your job is oppression. So excuse me, if I feel like I’m signing my life away. Probably what triggered it all was her tone of voice, it came across as rude.

She tried to encourage me to talk to her manager, but why the heck would I do that? I’m not interested in anymore drama. She doesn’t seem like a very happy person, and I don’t think she likes her job. I’m sorry if being an OW worker wasn’t your ideal job, if you don’t like it, fuckin quit. But then again, you’d have to be pretty fucked up to enjoy oppression and poverty. Although some of those workers are twisted, and do abuse their power to withhold financial support from a person in need. Some workers power trip with it, and that’s just sickening.

Anyways, I apologized. She apologized. Hopefully we’re on the same page and…yeah. Moving on.

My psychologist’s last day is the 15th, or 16th. So I’m deciphering wither it is worth being placed on a waiting list to see someone else, and start over. Or, I can just go back to SOAHAC and pick up where we left off. Decisions, decisions…

I contacted Leads Employment Services to book an appointment. I worked pretty good with them last time. So hopefully I hear back from them soon.

My house is a mess. I’ve been neglecting my fortress, and it needs some serious tidying up. But no, what do I do? I’d rather paint, I’d rather write. Soon I’ll get sick of the obstacle coarse, and just get it over with.

My visit with my kids went well though. On Saturday we went to our first Movie in the Park. On Sunday I  got them out of the house and hiking through trails for a while. They caught a little frog in a cup, and tried to bring it back to the house, but it didn’t survive the trip. Poor frog. R.I.P.

I seen the Super Moon on Sunday night, it had a beautiful glow. I enjoyed the view even though I was only out briefly. It was kinda chilly out.

I almost forgot, but a notification on Facebook just reminded me. Haha! My book “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess” got a review. That was exciting. Thank you to Rebel Waste for the review. The following is what they had to say about my book:

“Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess,” is an in-depth portrait of a woman who has experienced much of what the world tries to hide from the average person. With the combination of poetry, journal entries and paintings one truly gets a full picture of the many facets of Pooks inner Goddess, Alien as it many be. Well worth the read if you enjoy confessional poetry and introspective writing. – Rebel Waste

Anyway, I am running out of shit to write. My mind is kinda blank at the moment. I’m not as sad as I was before. It’s all temporary, and I will get through it.

I was given another book recommendation by a friend, she suggested that I read Lust for Life, a biographical novel about Van Gogh, written by Irving Stone. So there’s another book to add to my “to-read” list.

Not much going on today, I’ve just been keeping an eye on my e-mail, since my phone ran out of time. My e-mail is my main form of contact until I can top up my account for my cell. So yeah, I think I’ll end it at that. – Pooks

“Instead of removing the conditions that make people depressed, modern society gives them antidepressant drugs.  In effect, antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual’s internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.(Yes, we know that depression is often of purely genetic origin.  We are referring here to those cases in which environment plays the predominant role.) ” – Theodore Kaczynsky

 

Circles, Nests, and Paths

Well well well… Already another blog day is upon us. Well la dee da!

Last week, I was in this gloomy funk, it seemed like it would not shake off. It’s not even over anything personal. But more over things that are taking place in another part of the world. This whole thing between Gaza and Israel is so depressing. Why would people do that to fellow people? I mean, I know there’s stupid excuses that they could use to try to justify these horrific and barbaric actions. Yeah, lets shoot up schools and hospitals with innocent civilians inside.

Perhaps what affected me the most were these images of parents, mourning the loss of their children. Holding their toddler in their arms, and their toddlers head has been blown wide open. Or the father placing his dead child into a grave. It’s heart-breaking. I’ve experienced that pain, I know that loss. But I am fortunate it’s not permanent as it is with these parents I feel for miles and miles away.

I wish it would stop. I wish there was something I could do. All I can do is express and share the affect it has on me.

Maybe I am sensitive, more in tune with my emotions, or whatever. But shit like this really gets to me. People are so blind by the illusions they make up to separate themselves from each other, they don’t see a parent, a father, a child, a mother, a human being just like themselves.

It is concerning that genocide is acceptable. The U.S supplying the weaponry. Your taxes paying for this slaughter. It’s evil.

I don’t know how people can go on with their merry lives, or turn the other cheek. Ignore and pretend that everything is just peachy with their lives. We are all connected, so what affects them, affects you, like it or not. Those people dying, they are a part of you in a way. I wish there was a simple way to define that to the naive. More people need to research the medicine wheel. It is a very powerful symbol. It’s a shame religions today ignore it and consider it rubbish. Maybe they would be more empathetic towards each-other if they took the time to understand it.

Anyway, yeah, I was quite sad there for awhile, until I had my kids over for the weekend. The two little bright shining spirits that they are, got me right out of that gloominess.

This past weekend was an adventure. I even attempted to face a fear of mine, heights, just for my kids happiness. We went to Ribfest, and there was this insane ride there called the Full Tilt, I went on it with my children, and I swear I thought I was gonna die. Haha! I was so scared. But my kids loved it, they had a blast, so the temporary feeling of terror was worth it.

So rather than buying treats this weekend, I paid for an experience to share. I mean, I did pay for a couple slushies as well. Obviously, we’re gonna get thirsty. But we ate before we left. And yeah, totally worth it, because memories were created that we won’t ever forget.

Other than that, I’m waiting for a phone call from Ontario Works to confirm an appointment, considering it is almost 4pm, I am not going to get that call today. Well la dee da. So yeah, I’ll be back on Ontario Works by next week.

I don’t want to schedule another appointment with my psychologist until that is all sorted out, and out of the way. Plus OW could issue me a bus pass to get me to and from my appointments.

Other than that, back to volunteering and job searching. My son gave me a couple of idea’s of where I could apply. I love him, he believes in me, even if I don’t believe in myself sometimes.

I was talking to my ex, and apparently I’m not the only native that thinks employers don’t hire natives. He’s met a few that share the same thoughts. I have to change that perspective, because maybe that hopelessness shows. And well, if I don’t believe in myself, how could anyone else? It’s an on-going struggle.

Anyways, what else? Been trying to be there for a dying friend. It’s been hard. It was so quick and sudden too. A good friend of mine got cancer, and now she’s selling and giving her stuff away. I can understand, less to deal with when it is time to write a will. All the art and gifts I gave her, was returned. She doesn’t want to give it away to anyone else, it’s hers, and she thinks it’s only right that it goes back to the artist that created it. So I have the very first piece I ever did at the New School of Colour back in my possession.

My daughter was looking closely at the art piece over the weekend, and she’s starting to notice things within it. She held two of my art pieces together and noticed that there was an Arizona dessert scene  in both, within little circles. I’m not sure what it is about Arizona, but I’ve been fascinated ever since I was child. It was during a vacation with my family, in a souvenir shop somewhere, I saw these license plate plastic key-chains with names on them, I guess the Arizona license plate really stuck with me. On the plate was a sun set, and silhouettes of cactus’ on a dessert. I remember feeling so curious, and filled with wonder.

I totally got side tracked, I’m not sure how much longer my friend will be here. I can tell it’s hard for her. She’s so use to keeping herself busy, and chemo has been depleting her energy. Although, those Boost beverages help. She was a lot more energetic, and ate more than she has been. I haven’t really cried about it, but I am sad that this is happening to one of those most independent women I know. She accepts it, but she is fighting. She wants to remain in her apartment, she said they’ll have to drag her out in a body-bag. She doesn’t want to die in a hospital, or hooked up to a machine.

It’s weird, it’s like she’s preparing to die. Kinda like how pregnant mothers start nesting. Something similar happens when one knows they are dying.

Perhaps the reason I have not cried, is because she doesn’t need my tears, she needs to hear my laughter. So I do my best, and find things to laugh about. She’s not gone yet, and there’s still time to enjoy the little things. She’s got enough people mourning over the news of her health. I believe there’s a chance she could kick cancer to the curb. There’s also the possibility that she won’t. I won’t cry until she is physically, and consciously gone. The day I can no longer spontaneously visit like I do, because she won’t be there.

Anyway, it’s 5:16pm. Maybe I will get that phone call tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, New School of Colour will be open at the Ark. Yaaay! It’s been awhile since I painted. A whole week without art omigosh, minus that day I met up with Hailey, and we did some art at a coffee-shop. That was cool. I experimented and drew with my left hand.

So yeah, life is shifting again so to speak. Just when you think you’re on the right path, you get plunked back where you were. If I try to make sense of it, I’ll drive myself crazy. Just go with the flow. New path, new experiences to be had. It doesn’t matter what direction I go, I am, and will always be, Pooks the Artist & Writer. – Pooks

“A good traveler is one who knows how to travel with the mind.”

–  Michael Bassey Johnson