Into the Vault, Where it Belongs (Part 2)

I had a good weekend with my daughter, my son was gone to a birthday sleepover. Anyway, we were pretending all her little stuffed animals were going to school, and she was the teacher. She would give prizes to whatever stuffy drew the best (drawn by moi) on the sticky notes she handed out. It was cute.

What else did we do? We took turns playing a game on the computer, which was kinda like Pac-Man, but an Amazing World of Gumball Version called Haunted House Prank.

We visited two cats down the street again. My daughter likes to visit them when they’re outside, and pets them. We discovered that they are both males, they’re brothers. The orange, beige one is very cuddly.

We went to McMahen Park. I was surprised she picked that park to go to, because it’s not the closest. We’d have to catch a bus, and we did. At the bus stop we played tag and hide n’ seek. She likes the plastic little blue whale at McMahen Park, and the other park equipment it has that she can climb on. I pushed her on a swing. We played tag. We rolled around in the empty blue pool trying to bump into each-other. We even buried her feet, and made her funny fat shoes out of sand.

We saw a rainbow and went on a hunt for the end of the rainbow through the Old East Village. I knew we wouldn’t find it, but it was fun to go on an adventure with my daughter anyways. We got distracted by the gardens within the neighborhood. Since my daughter wanted to pick flowers, I was knocking on doors, or ringing doorbells asking people in the neighborhood if we could pick their flowers. The people were nice, no one said no, and my daughter made herself a pretty bouquet to bring back to my place.

Anyway, when I picked her up on Saturday, my daughters father asked our daughter to call her before bed. So I got her all tucked in and made the phone call that night, which didn’t go as I expected. I thought she’d say “I love you, Good night.” Nope. Instead she said to her father; “I hate you Dad.” Yikes! I’m sure that’s gonna somehow be my fault.

I mean, my ex already blames my son’s behavior on me. He says it only happens when I’m around,  where our son will say “I hate you” to his father, or he calls his dad a goof, a retard, and says he can’t wait until he’s older so he can put an axe in his fathers head. Clearly I’m not the problem here.

I mean, I don’t speak a word about their father during the visits. I got better things to do, obviously. Like enjoy and spend times with my freakin kids! Actually PLAY with them, while they’re still young. They’re not gonna be young forever. I might as well embrace the time where they actually want to play with a parent. I mean, our son is getting pretty damn close to being a pre-teen, and soon he’ll have his own hobbies, he’ll be “too cool” to play with mom or dad, his friends will be what’s cool. I mean, my ex  thinks it’s not his job to entertain the kids, so he doesn’t even play with them. Wow, Does he ever take this time for granted. I enjoy the play-time, I could be a stuffed teddy bear going to school, a customer at our son and daughters fast- food drive in, snow banks could be points of safety from the lava, cracks in the sidewalks could be laser beams, so on and so forth. You never know where a kids imagination will take you. It’s a new adventure every time.

Anyway, when my ex came to pick up our daughter, she didn’t want to leave, and our son started the whole name calling thing again towards his father. I told him to stop, and said that that was verbal abuse. Although, my son probably experiences a lot of verbal abuse from my ex back at their home. Not that he’ll ever admit it. I mean, our son’s gotta get it from somewhere, and why is he so angry at his father?!

Aside from that, my ex was picking up our daughter. He says to me that things are going to change “for their safety.” Meaning, my access. Supposedly someone broke into his home and stole his money, and tampered with his barbeque tank so that it was leaking propane. Once again, must be my fault. Although, where he lives, he lives in low income complexes. A neighborhood where he can’t even have a tarp in his backyard without it being stolen.

You want to talk about safety?! I think the only one feeling threatened by me is my ex because I express the truth! I guess I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut if I’m being psychologically abused. Whoops!

I’m sorry, but if I want to get all this negativity out of my system, I write, I paint, and yes, I freakin share it. That’s what I do. I take that negative energy and turn it into something else.

So clearly he still stalks this blog, because he’s got nothing better to do than troll on his ex-girlfriend, whom he’s been separated from for FOUR YEARS!!! Yeah, someones got issues.

Anyway, the whole ordeal over a pair of clothes? That was a wake up call, not to let my guard down and to expect that he will use our kids to power trip if he doesn’t get his way, or doesn’t like something I say. He’s a power thirsty, controlling little bitch. Bravo! You’re a bigger bitch than any woman I know. One of those guys that thinks he has to be an utter asshole to be “manly”. Umm.. yeah, news flash! Women don’t find that attractive.

There’s already been some changes, he won’t let me into his home, and I won’t let him into mine. Fine by me. It was like 2 steps forward, 5 steps back. That’s his own damn fault. Of coarse, he won’t admit it, he’s too busy pointing fingers everywhere else, that’s what he does. It could take years before he man’s up and takes responsibility for his actions.

It’s not my fault he’s miserable, and doesn’t want to do anything about it. All these supposed things he says about opening a spa business with a friend, or whatever. Through the years, I’ve learned that it’s  all talk. He isn’t gonna do shit.

As far as I’ve known him, he’s never been happy. He thinks if he moves he’ll be happier. HA! He’s bounced all over the place from apartment, to townhouse, to townhouse, and you know what? Location isn’t the issue. His problem is internal.

So whatever, he’s being kinda psychotic lately. Hopefully that doesn’t effect my access with my kids. Although he did offer to go swimming with him and the kids. But I don’t think I’m comfortable being around an ex-boyfriend in a bathing suit. I dunno, I kinda feel too exposed, and the last thing I want is an ex looking at me like I’m a chunk of meat. No thanks. The way he’s been acting lately, I’m better off just waiting for the days I have my visits, keeping as much distance between my ex and I. See you in 5 or 6 days, depending on the week. Until then, only text me  with shit that actually matters. Like a meeting at the school, or an emergency. Material things don’t qualify.

I mean, I have always been pretty good when it comes to returning the kids clothes. Turns out he had the grey pair of pants. The pink pair of pants were here. It didn’t make it into the laundry pile apparently. It’s not like I wouldn’t have returned it the next time I see ya. Geez! I mean, our daughter left her socks at the park, and after I left my exes place one time, I returned to the park and picked them up. I brought them home, washed them, and returned them to my ex’s place the next time I saw them all. Ugh! Nothing like trying to parent with an over-reacting psycho.

Yeah, he did apologize for being rude, and for saying that my attitude sucked. He admitted it wasn’t that bad. That’s besides the point, if this taught me anything, is to not take his apologies literally. Why? Because he is still threatening to tamper with my access. You’re not really sorry if you’re gonna keep doing the same shit. He’s still being abusive. Yeah, using the kids as a tool to power-trip me is abuse. Not fair to me, not fair to the kids. Not like he really thinks of anyone else besides himself anyways.

I apologize to you readers. He is very toxic, and yeah, I have to vent, and vent, and vent, until I no longer feel the need to. This blog was pleasant, until he came into my thoughts. I mean, I should be out of the house, getting shit done, but no. I’m venting. If I didn’t, this would all be bottled up within, and I would be like boiling kettle, or a time-bomb waiting to go off.

Onto something else…It is currently Monday, and I will publish this Tuesday. I will save it as a draft, and write more later. It is time for me to get ready, and head out to the New School of Colour. Surround myself with people that actually appreciate me, love me for me, and bring out my best.

(Monday, September 22, 2014. 3:11pm)

To be Continued….

8:49pm, Monday evening. I’m back from painting at the New School of Colour for a bit. To my surprise,  our basement studio is getting a make-over. I was aware of it the week before, but never thought it would look so spacious. So far, it looks awesome. The craft stuff has been removed, the closet, and clutter from beneath the stairs have been removed…the walls have been re-painted. A fellow artist that is helping out with this make-over said to just wait until next time, they plan to even paint the floors.

It would seem as though that I have been assigned to work on a collaboration piece next week, along with Sarah, and Jeremy. That should be interesting. Normally my Ducky-Doo is my go-to person for distraction, my fellow peep to clown around with. Haha! This will be our first painting we work on together. I look forward to see how it turns out.

I should probably get my income statement into Ontario Works, before I get cut-off again. I’m just a bit distracted lately. I’ll try to get that in tomorrow. It’s just been challenging getting my ass out the door before business hours are over, wake up before 1pm, and take a shorter shower. If I can get it in right at 8:30 am, that would be great. But not likely. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to get my ass out the door and be apart of the world. Why try to fit in, and be a part of a system, or society, that only rejects you?  Seems kind of dumb to me.

I admit I’ve kinda felt hopeless there for awhile. I tweeted :Starting to think maybe u all deserve to suffer the fate of your stupidity. Trying to awaken u dumb-asses is a waste of time.

It gets frustrating trying to show you the obvious, and people just ignore and do the same shit over and over. We need to separate ourselves from this dependency on oil, move onto a less damaging energy resource, and if we abolished the idea of money all together, oil would lose it’s value. Soldiers lives wouldn’t be wasted on such stupidity. You would no longer be a slave, Capitalism would fall. But no, people continue to hop into their cars, go to their slave labor of a job, and pay the Capitalists for their (the proletarians) hard work. Make any sense? No, but that’s what people do anyways because they are fucking dumb, and Capitalists take advantage and exploit on that. They don’t give a fuck, they’re wining and dining in limos and fancy jets all thanks to your passiveness. They don’t really have to work, they can live off you, literally. Take what they value away from them, make oil and money invaluable. Don’t believe in that shit. It’s all illusions anyway. Just a big lie.

And if you really do give a shit for your kids, and their kids, and the following generations, then stop allowing the Capitalists to destroy the environment. Wouldn’t you like the younger generations to be able to drink the water without being poisoned? Wouldn’t you like them to enjoy nature without it being destroyed by fracking, pipelines, and oil spills? Or are you really that freakin selfish to even think of what we may be leaving behind for them? Not to mention, only the wealthy can eat healthy, while the working class and lower, their food get’s tampered with chemicals. Why are these bitch Capitalists so privileged? Because of money? Shit that shouldn’t even be considered more valuable than your oxygen, water, and food supply.

It angers me. Along with other bullshit in my life. But ya know…I’m pretty strong. I’m still here, for some fucked up reason. I bet if another person tried to go through what I have, they would have off’ed themselves a long time ago. This world keeps trying to conform me into their ways, without even considering or accepting that maybe I’m created this way for a reason. That’s a big problem these days, rather than trying to change each-other, try accepting each-other for a change. Geez! Seems like a simple solution, but people just love to complicate it over petty bullshit.

Ruh! Ruh! Ruh!

I doubt I’ll have much to write about tomorrow. The only plan is to hand in an income statement. Nothing too exciting. So maybe I’ll post this after midnight. Which is technically Tuesday. On time. Sorry if the negativity out weighs the positive within this post, but all that energy needs to go somewhere. – Pooks

“People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life.”- Colleen Hoover
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Into the Vault, Where it Belongs

Blogging twice this week, lucky you! I got to swoop up all my emotional/ personal status’s and tweets, and bring them all here, where I kind of treat this blog like a vault. Where all the shit goes.

I’ll start off by copying and pasting the conversation that turned my day upside down. I was fine, but then HE decided to freakin bother me over bullshit.

Ex: I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back (9:00am)
Me: They should be in her backpack. Wtf?! (11:05am)
Me: Or yellow no frills bag (11:05am)
Me: Sorry you had a rough morning. It’s got nothing to do with me (11:22am)
Ex: Grey pants and pink cammo pants. They are not here. We are going to make some changes. Your attitude sucks.(12:44pm)
Me: What? What did I do? I’m sorry you can’t find the clothes. I know I packed them in a plastic bag because I washed them (12:46pm)
Me: If any ones attitude sucks, it’s yours (12:48pm)

What upsets me most about this, is that he apologized a week or 2 ago for that incident that took place years ago of grabbing my throat and dragging me by the hair . He claims to take full responsibility of his actions. Silly me, thought he meant it this time, but then he turns around and does this, and threatens my access with my kids OVER CLOTHES!!! Can you be anymore fuckin psychotic?! Threatening my access with my kids. Wow. Just when I think things are okay, he turns around and shows me he’s still an abusive scumbag. By threatening my access with my kids, he is being PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE!!!

I cancelled my appointment with Leads today, I was feeling rather distraught about the psychological abuse taking place via text messaging. So since he threatened my access, which was a court order, I forwarded our conversation to my lawyer and gave him the heads up, just in case my ex does try to deny my access.

He says my attitude sucks. My attitude was fine until he text messaged me with this bullshit. Our daughter has plenty of clothes, why make a big deal over 2 pairs of pants? Unless you are looking for someone to take your shit on. I mean for starters, he couldn’t just have asked, ” Have you seen our daughters pants? They’re missing”. No. I get a straight up accusation that I must have them with his remark; “I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back.” Of coarse I’m going to be like; What the fuck?

So no, I’m not too happy today. Matter of fact, I’m feeling rather dark thanks to him.

He’s always showing me why it’s a mistake to forgive him, or give him the benefit of the doubt. He will always be an ass. I’ve got to remember that. Don’t believe a word he freakin says, he’ll just turn around and hurt you some more.

By the looks of it, I got that message around 9am. So he was probably late getting the kids to school looking for clothes. Which yes, I can picture him getting all pissy, and marching and stomping around,  roaring like a bear over that. Find her something else to wear, and move on. But no, if he’s not taking it out on our son, he’s gotta message me and take his shit out on me.

And this freakin spaz is what C.A.S thought was ideal for our kids. Wow. Dumb-asses! Our son witnesses his temper and is scared, and I get to endure in more psychological abuse. Just wonderful! Yeah, thanks for nothing. I guess they had to close our file because they were spending too much money on our case. Obviously not on the right things. But whatever, it’s not like I didn’t try to fight that, it was out of my control. This stupid society would rather my children live with that scumbag over me. No wonder I think people are stupid, for numerous reasons. Count that as one.

So I did take precautions, I e-mailed my lawyer, in case my ex tries anything, such as deny my access. I mean, this is ridiculous. I didn’t do shit, and bam! I get a hissy fit this morning. Dude, I’m just trying to wake up with my coffee and get out the door to an appointment!

And of coarse he tried that reverse psychology shit, saying I’m the one with the attitude problem. Yet I was fine, before he a)made an accusation b) used my kids as something to threaten me with and c) reverse psychology, and say I’m the one with the attitude. I mean, NOW I have an attitude. His bullshit fuckin wrecked my day. I have to sit here and wonder, and fear, if he’s actually going to deny my access this weekend. I didn’t do anything! AND MISSING CLOTHES ( that are probably just lost in his pig stye of a townhouse) IS A PRETTY LAME REASON TO CUT MY ACCESS!!! It’s not my fault he’s psychotic!

So excuse me, If I’m a bit dark, negative and bitter for the remainder of the day. This whole freakin thing is nonsense! I’m in no mood for his bullshit, and I just stopped replying to his text messages. I don’t need his bullshit, just because he had a rough morning. Sorry I ever forgave and gave him the benefit of the doubt. A mistake I must stop making. FUCK HIM! He’ll always be an ass.

I don’t think the psychological abuse is ever going to end. It’s ongoing. So ladies, do NOT have children with an abusive prick! At least try to find out who you are with before you make that mistake. – Pooks

“I know that it’s easier to look at death than it is to look at pain, because while death is irrevocable, and the grief will lessen in time, pain is too often merely relentless and irreversible.”- Robert Goolrick

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All Over The Place

Spent a lot of time yesterday job searching, which got me thinking. All this qualification stuff is a pile of B.S. Why do I say that? Because anyone can learn, it’s just a matter of wanting to.

I mean, I look back at where I have been, and never would have thought I’d be learning sociology in University. Sure the first time around was rough. I was in shock, in denial, kinda resistant. But the second time around, I was more focused. Sure I knew the world was fucked up, but I didn’t realize it was that fucked up. Anyway, back to my point, I learned something new, it is possible. Ya know? It was a subject suggested to me by a councilor at the Student Success Centre, and I was like, sure, I’ll give it a try, not fully knowing what I was getting into.

Anywho, I am taking a year off, “to focus on my mental health”. But honestly, I don’t think I’m the one with the problem. There’s a lot of blind sheep out there in denial…just saying.

But back to what I was trying to say, how else can I put this? For instance, I’m an artist, that thinks with the creative side of my brain, more so than the other. Music, for example, consists of using that other side of the brain. I didn’t think I’d be able to tune my guitar, or ever play it, but so far I learned to tune it, and I can play 3 chords. It’s a start! I did that all on my own, with the help of some books. People can teach themselves.

So don’t let people tell you you’re not “qualified”, the mind is capable of fascinating things. I believe I am capable of learning anything if I really wanted to. The will, and the belief has to be there. It’s all in your head!

Anyway, that is just something that came to mind while job searching. This whole “skill” and “qualification” hoopla, what a load of B.S. If you can do what you’re told, you can do the job. It’s not rocket science. Welcome to slavery.

Aside from that, I had a wonderful weekend with my kids. Since I was up cleaning all night on Saturday, they let me nap for an hour on Sunday. And surprisingly they were well behaved. I expecting the sibling rivalry to kick in, where they start fighting, arguing, whining…but nope. They were good. My son played quietly on the computer, and my daughter was looking through the books on the bookshelf.

During our weekend we got chased by bees, visited the cats down the street… it was a nice quiet, relaxing weekend. Minus the bees. We had pizza. Normally we watch a movie during dinner, but that didn’t work out. So we watched an episode of Adventure Time. Now I’m hooked on that show. Haha! Which is funny, because I thought it was totally bizarre at first. But it grows on you. Oh yeah, and we also played hide and seek, and tag. I tried to cheat with my cellphone, during hide and seek, using the camera to see behind me, but no, I got busted. Haha!

We didn’t make it out to the Western Fair as planned, neither their father or I could afford it. It would have taken my entire budget, of $100 just to enter. That’s probably why I got this sudden motivation to job search. I mean, my ex doesn’t think it’s necessary to file for joint custody. Although if he did, that could help me financially support our children better, rather than trying to budget 3 people onto a budget meant for a single person, just saying. I’d be fine if things were left the way they were regarding my visits, but having documentation that may help me financially support our children better would be beneficial to them. But I guess he doesn’t quite grasp that concept.

It’s not like I’m gonna go running off with the kids. They already been through that shit, why would I burden them with all that change all over again? I have something called empathy.  Besides, they are both doing amazing in their new Catholic School, our son is doing awesome, and he’s even learning French. I couldn’t be more proud.

I have come to terms with the way things are, I accept, and I am grateful for what I have. I’ve decided I’m just going to try to make the best of the remainder of my life.

I think our children are aware that Mommy and Daddy will not be getting back together. Over the weekend, my daughter asked me; “If you get a new boyfriend, will you still be our mom?” My answer? Of coarse. I’ll always be their mom, and nothing can change that.

Not that I’m looking for a relationship. I have the tendency to push all men away from me. Why? I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. My problems become theirs, and I take in a lot of shit in this stupid society for numerous reasons; I’m native, I’m a woman, I’m an “unrealistic” artist, so on and so forth. When you’re so out of place, it’s not like you want to drag anyone into that alienation. I mean, majority of the people want to fit in, isn’t that right? Not condemned or forsaken.

Anyway, back to family. My son has been rude towards his father lately, name calling, and whatnot. That surprised me, especially the first time I witnessed it. But my ex wants to pin that on me. Says it has something to do with me. Odd, I don’t speak of their father during visits. I don’t see how that can be my fault. I did make an attempt to talk to our son about it, and he said that his father scares him when he’s angry. He yells, swears, and throws things around. Maybe that might have something to do with it. Take some responsibility. Control your testosterone and stop acting like a rampaging bear with rabies. And if it has anything to do with me, maybe he see’s and understands why I’m not with my ex. That could piss off a kid. Anyway, as I told them both, that is between them to sort out. Although I did notice the way my ex talks to our son is very different from the way he talks to our daughter. His voice becomes more gentle with our daughter, and more stern with our son. That maybe a gender thing he isn’t aware of.  Of coarse our son will notice if he is being treated differently.

I noticed my son starts to act up when it’s time to take our kids home. We walked part of the way, and during that walk I tried to get our son to simmer down. I even mentioned that when he calls his father names that he is probably hurting his dads feelings. Hence, he get’s angry. But that didn’t make a difference. Sure enough, I get our kids home, and our son says something disrespectful to his father. Bam! Grounded for the remainder of the night. I hope whatever is going on between those two get’s sorted out.

What else? I’m surprised my painting at the New School of Colour is getting as many compliments as it’s been getting, considering that it is a Jester with it’s eyes oozing out of it’s head. That wasn’t quite the reaction I was expecting. Haha! But, I gotta remember, this is in a room with fellow artists. As morbid as it may be, they can see it as art. And it’s not the first time, I’ve painting something dark, or disturbing.

Oh yeah! I went to the East London History Symposium last Thursday at the Aeolian Hall. That was interesting. I got to learn about 2 communities that surround me. Not only the history, but also got a sociological perspective of Old East Village, that was cool. I’m not that great when it comes to large crowds,  I’m the kind of person that is quiet and hides in a corner. But I did meet and speak with a woman from the Hamilton Road Association. So I kinda stepped outside of my bubble, and socialized a little bit. They are looking for younger people to get involved. Just throwing that out there in case anyone may be interested.

Last week, I also got back into volunteering at The Arts Project. I may have mentioned that in the last blog. I can’t remember. It’s good to be volunteering again, although, I’m not as available as I used to be. I mean, I have to be more mindful on what days I choose to volunteer now that I see my children on weekends. There’s the odd time I’m available on a Saturday, and those are the weekends when my visits with my children land on a Friday, that aren’t sleepover visits.

It’s a bit of a crazy schedule, but I think the kids, my ex and I have finally adjusted. We made some changes, to where we pick up, instead of dropping off. That makes it easier, on both ends. Our kids are more co-operative that way.

And I’m back to talking about my kids. I know. I miss them already.

Tomorrow, since I am running out of bus tickets, I am just going to hand in my income statement tomorrow, it’s supposed to be handed in on the 16th. But since I have an appointment at Leads, and I’ll be downtown anyways, I can hit two birds with one stone so to speak. How mean. Why would you wanna throw a rock at a bird?…Unless it is a stupid pigeon that took a crap on you. HAHA!

I think the caffeine has kicked in. I’m getting side tracked, and this blog is all over the place. But that’s okay, I think my readers are used to that by now. My brain is all over the place period. Hope you enjoyed! – Pooks

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”- Dr. Seuss

Silently Babbling

So apparently I have been sitting around, waiting for nothing. Well la dee freakin da!

Yes, I handed in my income statement late, and it should have been processed by now. So I e-mailed my OW worker to see what is up, and apparently she terminated my file. I’m pretty sure that I am to be notified of this, and did not receive any notification stating so. There has been some seriously bad communication, obviously. Yes, I’ve been sick there for awhile with food poisoning. But I still should have gotten a letter in the mail stating my termination, and what was needed. Did I get that? No. Technically I don’t think that is even allowed. There has to be some communication with the client, ya know?

That did anger me a little bit, kinda frustrated me, but no worries. I got this. It will all be taken care of tomorrow. As I am going to drop off a bill at their office, and already e-mailed the other. It just get’s stressful when I am waiting for this income, to pay bills that are late, and top up on groceries so I can feed my kids when they’re here, and this income isn’t even coming because someone didn’t bother to communicate with me to tell me that I was cut off and why. Thanks for not doing your job!

I guess the other thing she needed was a follow up on what happened after I got referred to Leads employment services. Well…I got placed on a huge waiting list regarding the program she referred me to, whichever that may be. I don’t know. Anyways, the reason I didn’t follow up was because a Leads worker said they’d let my OW worker know that I had followed up on the referral. So sorry for assuming that I didn’t have to. I trust Leads, they’re pretty good at getting things done. So, maybe my OW worker is completely disregarding that. I doubt the workers at Leads would fail to follow through on something like that.

Other than that inconvenience, the wonderful life on poverty lane, things have been good.

This evening I returned to The Arts Project as a volunteer floater, and I forgotten just how inspiring that can be. Being surrounded by all that art, it’s awesome.

I even ran into people that were in my  fine arts class, a decade ago at Fanshawe College, while I was volunteering at The Arts Project. I didn’t recognize them, they had to tell me their names. But they recognized me. Which is pretty amazing because I’m pretty sure back then my head was shaved, most of it, except for the bangs. Anyways, it was good to see them. glad they stopped to say hi.

I was surprised my supervisor asked if I was still painting. Yes, I am. 🙂 I guess she remembers that I sold a painting once at The Arts Project. She even asked about school, and said it’s good to take a year off. That is a very optimistic perspective. I needed that. I can be pretty hard on myself, you know? Trying this post secondary school thing and fucking it up twice. Hopefully the third times a charm. In 2015, I shall try again. I am more aware of the mistakes I’ve made, and whom I can reach out to for help. Also, I found I was more successful when I did my homework in the library, or in the Indigenous Services lounge. Rather than taking my homework home, where I can be easily distracted. So yes, I will try again. I got sociology credit during the summer. Maybe in the fall of 2015, I will be ready to try the Visual Arts again. We shall see.

In the mean time, I’m still creating art like a storm at the New School of Colour. After doing a nice lovely painting of scenery, animals, butterflies, flowers, and the desert… I decided to bring the darkness back into my art with the piece I’m currently working on. I did an art piece where it was apparent that I was inspired by Salvador Dali, now I’m trying to make it obvious that I am inspired by H.R Giger…. with the oozing eyes like his painting titled; Guillotine. Using little things that symbolize their work. It started off with these pretty colours blending together in the background, then bam! In the foreground, a jester with oozing eyes. Haha! Not so pleasant anymore, but it’s fun. There will be more added to it I’m sure, it’s not complete unless I drive myself nuts with some kind of detail.

The plan, regarding my ex and our kids, was to take our kids to the Western Fair this coming weekend. But the rate things are going with OW at the moment, I doubt I will be able to pitch in financially. Fingers crossed shit gets sorted out before the weekend.

Also, I was looking into getting another digi-cam, and this poor guy I contacted has been waiting patiently, uggghh!! You know? I don’t mean to leave him hanging like that. $40, for another camera, that’s a great deal, but can’t do shit without any income.

What else? On Thursday I’m going to the Aeolian Hall for the East London Symposium event. Learning about the history of EOA could be interesting, as well as meeting other community members from the Old East Village Community Association, and the Hamilton Road Community Association. This little hermit is actually going to go out and attempt to socialize, to celebrate the East Side of London. I know there are people that are quick to judge the East, but despite it’s reputation, I love the people, and the community. Not to forget that the Old East Village has been nominated as one of the Great Places in Canada! So nyeh! 😛 Haha! You can vote for the Old East Village as well at the following link, voting goes until September 25th! :

http://www.greatplacesincanada.ca/en/place.asp?id=1010

Take Back the Night, gathering, rally, and march is next week. Next Thursday to be exact, at Victoria Park, starting at 5:30pm. An event intended as a protest and direct action against sexual violence and other forms of violence against women. It will be the third year I’ve participated. So I am looking forward to that.

Over the last weekend I gave this blog site a make over. As you can plainly see. I do that from time to time. I get bored, give my blog a make-over. I also made some updates on my Weebly website. 

I did some job searching on my spare time, filled out applications, zapped out my resume here and there. No one has gotten back to me yet. I forgot I have to fax a resume off somewhere. I’m pretty sure I wrote that down. I can do that tomorrow while I’m out and about. Newho, that’s enough babbling silently for me. That’s this weeks update on life, hope you enjoyed! – Pooks

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.”- Noam Chomsky

Moulting Over Night

Late again with this blogging thing. As well as other things in my life that will need to be sorted out. Still need to get my income statement in, that’s overdue. So my financial situation is a bit held up. So yeah, lots of running around to do tomorrow. I would have got it done today, but I was moving at a very slow pace today. I didn’t make it out the door. As for yesterday, I was in and out of sleep.

Anyway, I got to see my kids from Saturday to Tuesday. That was awesome. They slept over at my place Saturday night, and when their dad came to pick them up, I was invited over for dinner. Since Monday was Labour Day, I spent the night. An extra day with my kids. I also stayed over on Monday night to help my ex out in the morning with our kids first day of school. My ex’s money came in late, so while he ran errands, I looked after our kids while he got it all done. So yaaay! They’re taken care of.

I forgot to mention we gave our son a hair cut, both my ex and I. Excellent teamwork there, our son looks fabulous!

I know I said I wouldn’t stay the night. But amazingly, it went rather well. I didn’t have to worry about being hit on, so that was a relief.

My ex and I were up all night talking about things that needed to be discussed. I think we’ve made a breakthrough. He apologized for things regarding our past. He takes full responsibility for his actions and admits he could have handled things differently. I think we both could have. But as I have seen numerous times, fear can make people do stupid things. And back then, we were both scared.

We also talked our miscarriage. A topic I usually tried to avoid. He said it was like I died then, and that I seem okay now. Yeah, it is like I died, or a part of me died with that child. It wasn’t me that woke up, that me is gone. Pooks, the Artist, is what took my place. I am not the same person. It was a painful transformation. It hurt. It felt like I was being ripped apart. The miscarriage, then my 2 kids being taken away. That amount of pain can literally change a person. And it has. Luckily for the better in my case. That pain, and those tears turned into laughter at some point. It was like I couldn’t cry anymore, so I started laughing at everything.

Yeah, I had a miscarriage a long time ago. And I felt tremendous guilt, and kinda betrayed by my own body. I blamed myself for the babies death, the baby I named Lucius. Even though those kinda things just happen. I was very hard on myself.

Anyway, that was long ago, and I know there are still 2 kids very much alive that need their Mama. I’ve had plenty of time to grieve, and accept the loss of a child.

I don’t know. I think we, as 2 parents, made a breakthrough of some sort. There is a mutual respect, and clearly I am finally gaining his trust. He’s feels okay to leave me alone in his home with our kids, he even put me down as an emergency contact when registering our daughter for school. That’s the way it should be.

I did get a little emotional during a discussion, regarding Peter Pan and First Nations. But I may have been PMSing. My ex was speaking very loudly, trying to speak over the television, and little emotional me felt like I was being yelled at. 😦 So I gave myself a short time out, had a smoke, and chilled the fuck out. He was not yelling at me by any means. I was just being an emotional, sensitive little peach. Anything can make me cry before, or during my moon time. This so happened to be just before.

Anyway, back to the school thing. Both our son and daughter will be attending a Catholic school. I am hoping it will be a more positive environment, and experience for our son, than what he was experiencing at the public school next door. So far, so good. Because his first day went really well.

It’s been a whole week without the New School of Colour. AHHHHHH!!! Haha! Just kidding. But yeah, since Monday was Labour Day, there was no art session. But that didn’t stop me from getting any art done. Sometimes I just doodle and practice in my sketchbook. Or I challenge myself with attempting a portrait. I did a drawing of my son in conte. So yes, even without the New School of Colour, I am making time for art. What can I say, it helps keep me sane.

Anywho, I see my children again tomorrow….after I get all the things I need to get done, done. So that’s pretty awesome. Been seeing them a lot lately, and that itself is a gift to be thankful for. – Pooks

“When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment.”- Wm.Paul Young