It had to be Blue

Back on schedule! It’s been a week since my last post, so voila! Here I am!!

I am happy to say that my boyfriend and I worked things out, and we’re going strong! So yaaaay! I’m actually kinda surprised how many people were happy for us. So yeah, as surprising as it is, I appreciate the support, encouragement, praise, or whatever you call it.

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Just when you think you’re a couple of hermits, there’s people watching. O_O Lol. But whatever. I’m used to it. I kinda put the spotlight on myself through this blog.  Sometimes there’s more people reading than I realize. But I usually try not to pay attention to that. The point of this blog is my opportunity to reflect, and share. It helps me mentally. Things don’t get bottled up. I write it out, and keep moving on…wither or not anything I write is valuable information or not, yaaay! It’s good for my mental health anyways. Wither my readers get anything from it or not. So miigwetch, if you’ve been following my journey and reading whatever comes out of my head. So yeah, it’s been quite a ride!

Moving on… My man is amazing. I’ve been showered with gifts, and flowers. Which includes a necklace that I wear every day now, that has 2 hearts on it that is to resemble the meaning of being together. He got me a bouquet of red roses, and when purchasing them, he told me he demanded a blue ribbon. The store clerk told him that it would not match the bouquet, but he didn’t care and just told her it HAD TO BE BLUE. Haha! (In case you don’t know, blue is my favorite colour). Not only that, but he got me 4 canvases to paint on, and he even got the picture I drew for him framed and hung up on his wall. Isn’t that awesome?! So he’s definitely not in the dog house anymore so to speak. We both have trouble explaining things verbally, and well…there was a misunderstanding. That was all.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It doesn’t stop there though. Earlier this week he told me to visit his work site so he can give me the keys to his apartment, and said there was a surprise for me on the coffee table. So I did go see him at work, picked up the keys, and when I got to his place there it was. The surprise was this unique blue bottle that he used for a vase. There was a rose in it from the last bouquet, along with flowers he picked himself. On the bottle he wrote in large letters; Can you be my love? Wow. He is amazing! I think my favorite, out of all the bouquets, are the ones that he picks himself. Even though after they sit around in a vase for awhile, they tend to stink up the apartment. Haha! You know, they decay, and go bad. But still, those are my favorite.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, there are other things that have happened lately. I think I forgot to mention that I met with my new Leads worker last week, and yeah, we’re gonna pick up where my other worker left off. So that’s cool. I don’t have to start over, or anything like that. She seems like a nice lady. The first thing she did was reassure me that she’s not one of those people that thinks she’s more “privileged”, we are all equal. That’s a good start. I’m beginning to think that the workers there are aware that I am a sensitive case, the rare idealist. But since over the years, they’ve been good to me, so I stick with their services. So yeah, my appointments are booked for every two weeks on a Wednesday. Not this past Wednesday, but next Wednesday is my next appointment. I should probably double check that….

Newho…Last weekend I had my children over, and we had a good visit. However I do wish I could get them outdoors more. It is summer, not winter. So yeah, I get kinda bored doing the same thing over and over indoors. My son goes on the computer, and my daughter and I play with stuffies… I need to switch it up sometimes. I need variety. I need to get outdoors. So the water fight was a good idea, and my boyfriend was there to participate as well. We even had water guns. It was fun. I got soaked.

Anyways, umm… my ex, ya know? I text messaged him Sunday morning to see if he was going to be able to pick up the kids. He said yes. But as the day progressed he said he was going to be late. Then he said went to rest his eyes for 5 minutes and fell asleep for 3 hours, then he said he missed the bus, and then he didn’t think he was going to be able to catch the last bus or not make it back to his home in time with the children… Then he was going to try to find a ride, couldn’t find one. And yeah, said he’d pick the kids up in the morning.

So yeah, don’t ask me –  what the fuck?! It was frustrating. But in the end, I got an extra night with my kids, and they were happy to stay another night.

Normally after the pick up (or drop off at 8pm) I go to my boyfriends apartment, and he’s got dinner waiting for me. Well…this time, it didn’t quite work out that way. My boyfriend even had a candle light dinner planned. But that’s okay. Because my boyfriend is so freakin awesome, he brought dinner to us, my children and I.  So we ate shepherds pie together at the table. It was nice.

My ex arrived the next morning with coffee, muffins and donuts. I walked with our children and him downtown. He lent me $40.00 so that I can afford to have them over this weekend. My budget is tight, especially considering neither my G.S.T, nor trillium arrived this month. So I appreciate the extra help when it comes to my visits with our children.

Umm… what else? I returned to the New School of Colour this past Tuesday, but didn’t work on my oil painting. I worked on something else, and socialized with muh fellow peeps!

Speaking of the New School of Colour, it will be closed next week. But that is okay. My bestie and I have already made arrangements and we’re going to be going to Kitchener for the day! That’ll be my traveling this year. It’s going to be fun. We’ll make it fun!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Today I went out for lunch with my bestie, and yeah, all she could  talk about was this certain someone in her life. It’s cute. Kinda like the way I talk and gush about my boyfriend. Sounds like they really like each-other anyways. Ya know? She deserves someone that’ll treat her good. Ahem, unlike her ex. But I think I made my opinion of him obvious in the past. So yeah, I don’t need to go there. She’s happy now, and as her friend, that’s all that matters to me.

Anyways, back to cleaning! Gotta prepare for another weekend with muh babies! I miss my man, but I know I’ll see him either Sunday, or Monday. So yeah, hope you enjoyed the reading material, and I’ll post sometime next week when I can! – Pooks

“Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.”

– Chuck Klosterman

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

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Not Your Number 2 (continued…)

Blogging again, after some communication, thinking and analyzing regarding my own personal love life. But I will get back to that shortly…

I have an amazing bestie that took me for a girls day out today. I think it was very much needed, and I found it refreshing.

We went to Masonville Mall, browsed through some stores, drank some tea, and went to see the movie “Spy” at Silvercity. Awesome movie by the way. I totally recommend it. Jason Statham was the best! Loved him in that movie!

Anyways, after the movie we went for one of our epic long walks. There’s always something random that happens during our walks, or we see amazing shit. For instance, we saw 6 deers, and I swear that was the closest I’ve ever been to any deer. It was just on the other side of the fence at the cemetery. It was definitely a breath taking moment. Had we gone another route as planned, we would have missed that opportunity and experience all together.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So yeah, it’s been an awesome day and night. We didn’t get back to our neighborhood until 3am. Which is the usual time for one of our crazy late night walks. Ya know? When we walk, we WALK. As in a great distance. The goal is a Timmies coffee, and of coarse, good exercise. Mission accomplished, plus some laughs along the way.

So yes, thanks to her for inviting me out. I feel honoured that she thought of, and chose me to chill with on her day off.

Now, onto my love life. On my last blog post a friend commented and said that there still might be hope for this one. Well…she may be right.

There could have been some misunderstanding, and well… I have the tendency to take things personally. My own doubts and insecurities could have blinded me.

So yeah, we both kinda got shook up when it came down to his ex texting him.

And after some thought, I understand that he would want to change his surroundings if they give him flashbacks of a traumatic experience.

Thinking of my own experience of an assault, I was fortunate enough to have moved from where the assault had taken place. Ya know? So I can only imagine what it is like for him. He’s still in the same environment, same surroundings, so the flash backs must be on a constant replay.

Silly me for thinking that he kept bringing her up because he still had feelings for her. Wrong! Ahem, that was my insecurities kicking in.

I’m not exactly the most confident person. A lot of the time, I think other girls are much better and more attractive than myself. But maybe that’s to be expected from a person whom has experienced a shit load of verbal abuse and psychological abuse within my life time.

Anyways, we’ve been communicating via. text messaging, and plan to talk it out in person. Through text messaging he’s told me that he does want to be with me. He wants to be a part of my life, and my childrens lives. He’s over his ex, and wants nothing to do with her. Hence why he wants to get rid of any reminders of her. He wants to move on and start a new chapter in his life with me. He sounds very sincere. Especially since he has been making positive changes in his life suitable for a family. My family. My kids and I. He kinda blew me away when he said I was everything he’s been looking for, and that he has wanted to be with me since the first time he saw me. That was 3 years ago. Sensitive little me, kinda got all teary eyed. I was wrong, and my insecurities hurt him when really he needed my support.

So yeah, that’s where things stand at the moment. Hopefully we can work things out, and get through this together. I do have a habit of pushing people away, and running the moment I feel any emotional pain. It doesn’t help that I take things so personally. But yeah, the time and space has helped me think outside myself, and to try to imagine his perspective.

So there still might be some hope for this relationship after all, and it might not be entirely over yet. He clearly hasn’t given up on me, and that means a lot.  – Pooks

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”

– Daniel Goleman 

Not your Number 2

Well…here I am again. 5 days after my last blog.

First off… Thank you Laurie of Discretionary Benefits for taking care of that OW/ Hydro problem. I honestly thought my power would be off by the time I returned home, but nope. It’s on. Had my power been cut off, I swear I would have just built a  fire in my backyard (a.k.a my own personal jungle) and cooked food and boiled water that way, despite what the fuck the city would have to say. But luckily, things didn’t have to go that far. Glad to see someone step up and try to resolve OW’s fuck up.

In my last blog post, things started to get a little rocky. And well…since then, they’ve just gotten rockier. If it’s not my financial circumstances that are an issue, it’s something else when it comes to this this fuckin relationship. I mean, he tells me so and so, or family and friends of his would not approve of me being on welfare. The fact it is HIM that keeps bringing it up, makes me think that he’s the one with the issue with it.

I chose a path less traveled, the path of an artist. A “non-educated” artist on top of it. So what I do is all about expression, and not aesthetics and silly rules. It’s a lot more real that way, less tainted by the expectaions of what these prissy fucks call art.

Anyways, OW. I’ve been on and off OW for years. I’ve tried getting a post secondary education three times and fucked it up. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a big fancy vocabulary for all the essays. I like people to understand what the fuck I am saying. So yeah, the simpler, and straight to the point, the better. And I guess, I don’t write with logic, I am pure emotion. Well if I didn’t express my emotions, and was just all logic and facts, that would make me a machine. Not human. Last time I checked, I’m pretty sure I’m not a machine. Nor do I operate like one. Hence, the disgust in repetition, and I have the need for spontaneity. Creativity is spontaneous. It is not something that can be controlled.

Anyways, OW. On and off it for years since 2002. Within the time frame of 2002 – 2009, I was in 2 abusive relationships. Ya know? Can’t really job search when your supposed boyfriend locks you inside the house like it’s a prison, all because he’s paranoid and insecure. Not to mention, I had 2 kids within that time frame, so yeah. I’d be at looking after the kids while the man that should be job searching is getting shit faced instead. So yeah, there goes almost a decade that could have potentially been “experience”. But employers these days don’t look at gaps like that on a resume and think of domestic abuse, they just think; she’s lazy, So yeah, I lack years of experience. That huge gap usually fucks me over when job searching. Some credits from school did help a bit, but I don’t have a drivers license.

So excuuuuse me if I think I’m kinda fucked when it comes down to finding a job. I kinda gave up trying to fit into a system that doesn’t want me to be a part of it to begin with. Ya know? Organizations tend to make me feel like my skin is a curse. Especially here in London. Sometimes I think the only places that would hire me, and give me a chance, are with my own, the Aniishanabe. Because they would understand my struggle to live off the reserves and in this urban hell hole.

But then again, as I’ve mentioned before, I even feel like an outsider to them as well. I don’t know my own language, I don’t know my own culture. I’m what they call a “baked potatoe.” I look brown, but white on the inside. Not really one of them.

I fit nowhere, except with other artists, freaks, and outcasts.

So now the OW shit is out of the way…let’s move onto what made me walk out on my boyfriend yesterday.

What’s on my mind? What’s on my beautiful mind? You really want to know??

I don’t think he’s ready for a serious relationship quite honestly. I mean he just got out of an abusive relationship not too long ago, and from my own experience, that shit takes time for you to fully heal and get over.

So I’m contemplating wither or not things should even go any farther. Is it really worth for my kids and I to get attached to someone that isn’t fully over his ex? Is the pain really worth it? What did he say to me? Help him get over his ex?? No! If he really wants to be with me, then I shouldn’t have to.

That’s all I hear about. His ex this, his ex that. Heck, he was even bringing me to places to where he took his ex. I’m not a replacement! I refuse to be a rebound. And I’m NOT your number 2 fuckin option!! I’m not her!! He can’t even bare looking at his livingroom without thinking of her. So yeah, you know what that tells me?That tells me he still cares about her, AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?!!

Should’ve known I was gonna get hurt. And now I just feel fuckin stupid! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He says to give him a few days, but that shit takes years to mend from.

I don’t think moving on with this relationship would be very wise, for either of us. So yeah, that’s where I’m at in my mind. Bad timing I guess.

So yeah. Shit is pretty fuckin shitty. I don’t really feel like doing anything. But I have a Leads appointment today, and I should probably make the effort. I don’t know, it would make a good distraction. – Pooks

Behind the Curtain

FUCK!! I need to go the freakin library. Print out my bill. Hand in a copy to OW, because apparently they didn’t pay it directly like they were supposed to, so I’m gonna have to try to get that set up again. AND I have to go to the Housing Stability Bank at the Salvation Army to see if they can pay the bill since OW/ Discretionary Benefits did squat, and just told me to go there. According to my red slip, my power gets cut off today. Thank you OW!. You’re so much help. Geez! Luckily though, I was told by London Hydro that that’s on hold because I am working on it. So yaaay! I have time. But it’s gotta be done today. So fuck! A lot of unnecessary running around to do. Fuck that fuckin strike! OW workers are slackin. Then I got my visit later with my kids. So yeah, I’m gonna be exhausted by the end of the day. To save my bus tickets, yeah, I’ll be walking everywhere. Except to get to my visit. Bus tickets are reserved to get me there. I can always walk back. Ughhh… tired already. But here it goes… Fuck a shower. I’ll shower later. Just want this over and done with. Some stress you may not be aware of because I’m just very internal like that.

Ya know? I went to OW for assistance earlier in the week, and yeah…just get a phone call the day before disconnection of my power to go else where. WONDERFUL!!

Now it’s the day of disconnection. And I’m stressed. Not cool. But I’m here writing it, because I don’t talk about shit that bothers me. I write about it. I draw about it. I find other ways to vent my frustrations.

Speaking of venting frustrations. Yesterday was an off day for some friends, so yeah, they vented verbally. I listened. And yeah, I absorb that shit like a fuckin sponge. That energy. That’s a lot in me now. So if I seem a bit off lately, that’s why. It would be a great time to paint. Get my own, and others frustration, all that negativity I just absorbed out onto a piece of paper or a canvas. But no no no, I got other shit to take care of.

Right as of now, I’m just waiting for OW to open, their hours are currently 10am – 2pm because of the freakin strike.

Umm… what else? A couple other things. I mean, why does there always have to be a psychotic ex in the picture? I mean, mine finally is backing off a bit and having some respect for my new relationship. However, my boyfriends ex has been texting him, and I admit, that has me on edge a little bit. From what I heard, she doesn’t sound like a very stable person. I mean, she assaulted my current boyfriend in the past, and yeah. In a fucked up way, my boyfriend and I can relate when it comes to past abuse. Anyways, the fact she seems kinda psycho, and isn’t really moving on, and keeps texting when my boyfriend wants nothing to do with her, that kind of raises a red flag in the back of my mind. Should I be concerned of my own safety? I mean, it’s been awhile since I feared going out like my biological mother. Murdered by a jealous insecure bitch over a man. But I find myself getting a bit concerned.

I mean she texted him on the day of Up with Art, and she tried again yesterday. Which kinda stressed my boyfriend out. And maybe he thinks that that is making me insecure, like I think he’ll leave me for her or something. But that’s not it at all. He’s reassured me that I have the key to his heart, I’m his girl, so on and so forth. But it’s not him I’m worried about at all. It’s an old fear of dying as my mother did that is creeping up on me.

So yeah, hopefully she just moves on, and doesn’t start any drama. So not interested.

What else? Since I got into this relationship, I am starting to see who are my friends, and which ones had other intentions. Especially with this one “friend”, whom I used to date, kinda, in the past. Maybe he was hoping we’d hook back up. But no! He blew that chance when he took me for granted, ignored me, and yeah let me slip away. Clearly I wasn’t that special to him. Maybe just a piece of ass. But yeah, he’s lucky I even considered to talk to him again after ignoring me as he did as soon as he got a job. Like he’s too good or something. So yeah, now he’s giving me this attitude since I started dating my boyfriend. And yeah. FUCK! Either accept my friendship, or fuck off! He’s behaving like an immature jealous bitch! Not only that, but he ignores our other friends now. I mean, last Tuesday my bestie sent him a message trying to set up a game night or something, like we used to do,  and he just ignored. Like grow the fuck up! You’re like 50 something years old!

On Tuesday, I noticed my Scrabble game that I had brought and left at his apartment was dropped off, and sitting in the corner of the New School of Colour studio. Either he’s getting evicted, or just just acting like a bitch. He didn’t even show up last week. He did the week before, but made this smart ass remark about me rushing off to see my boyfriend. Not to mention he was taking his frustrations out on other artists, such as one that was just trying to joke around with him, and he tried to pull this shit like she was the one trying to start shit or something. “Oh I don’t know where the hell that came from!” Dude! Chill! She was just playing. Geez! So yeah, obviously I’m not gonna stick around. He was acting kinda hostile, and I got the fuck out of there. “I rushed off in a hurry”

So yeah, not too impressed with that supposed friend.

I mean, this other guy that had a crush on me is handling my new relationship status better than this other guy. He even shook my boyfriends hand. And still cracks jokes, and clowns around with me regardless. So he clearly values my friendship, even if he was hoping we would have been more. I appreciate that. Kudos to him for being mature about it.

My freakin ex is even handling this new relationship status better for crying out loud!! What did he say? He said congrats! And now he’s moving on. He says there is another girl he’s interested in. Thank fuckin god! It took years for that guy to get the point. It’s over. Sadly, it takes another man to get that point across. A womans space isn’t respected as much as a mans apparently.

So yeah, everything can’t be sparkles, pixies, rainbows and unicorns all the time. Sometimes your cage is gonna get rattled. And yeah, it’s gonna piss you off. Life’s not perfect. But isn’t that what makes it beautiful? The imperfections? And the very very frustrating struggles. That’s what makes your story, doesn’t it?  I mean, it all comes down to how we choose to react. And well, I chose to keep my mouth shut, and just write it out and move on. It’s helped many times before.

Now off to walk off some steam and get shit done! Have a good day!

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading. – Pooks

“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.”

– Frank Herbert

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©