Gifted

 

Hello again!

I guess I’ll start this blog from what I can recall from Friday the 13th. Even though my last blog says it was posted on the 14th. For some reason, the date hasn’t been accurate lately on my blogs when I post, and I haven’t quite figured out how to fix that.

Anyways, November, 13,2015. It was a Friday, so I had my visit with my children at Tim Hortons. Which is where we ended up spending our time during the whole visit because it cold, windy, and a bit rainy outdoors at the time. We did leave to go to the nearby convenient store for snacks. But that was it. We just talked and were being silly at Tim Hortons. That’s what I love about my time with my children, we create our own fun. It doesn’t matter where.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

November 14th, my man and I went to Vegfest, and picked up some things. We couldn’t find basil at any of the grocery stores, so when we found it there, we definitely picked some up. Also, we got 2 bottles of Kombucha. My mans never tried it before, and now he takes a shot of it every morning. 🙂

Since Vegfest was taking place at the Western Fair, we stumbled upon 2 other events going on. One being a toy sale. Which was more for younger children. So we didn’t pick up too much there. However, the cashier thought we looked familiar, but couldn’t place from where. My only guess, since we’re pretty much hermits, social media. Probably my Twitter. Anyways, it’s funny when people recognize me, but can’t pin point from where. 😛

Anyways, after that, we went to the Gem and Mineral show and checked out all these cool rocks, fossils, crystals and stuff. I’ve never been to an event like that before. So it was cool. We picked up some arrow heads, and my man wants to make our bun in the oven a mini spear, for our Lil Turkey Hunter/Warrior. ❤

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Uhh… lets see…during the week. I’ll just focus on the main shtuff. Uhh… Tuesday I skipped going to the New School of Colour to get some chores done around the house.

Wednesday was my Leads appointment, and we were talking about communication and confidence. Ya know? According to the module in their files, I’m a pretty good communicator,  it’s just my own thoughts that think otherwise. My confidence.  So we were going through steps on how to improve my confidence, for example, listing off my accomplishments, and I really should give myself more credit, as I’ve done quite a bit. Publishing a book in 2013… having my art in 20 art exhibits/ events over the years since 2011.  Those are pretty big, and only a couple of examples. But yeah, I should give myself more credit. It hasn’t been easy building this force of creativity  that goes by the name of Pooks

Thursday and Friday, they just kinda flew by, and this past weekend my children were over. Also on Saturday, my man had a night out to celebrate his best friends birthday. A friend he hasn’t seen in a year, but has been friends with for 20 years. So yeah, I made the exception, he rarely gets to see this dude, so he can drink. As long as he doesn’t get plastered because I had my children over. Turns out, he only had 4 beers, and got a hung over from that. He was all like; “What are you doing to me? I’m such a lightweight now.” Lol So I said “Just consider it cleansing your system”.

However, we did have a bit of a misunderstanding, and bickered that night, I thought he had drank more, but nope. He was good and behaved. Even said he was showing off the ultrasound picture of his baby to all his friends. ❤

Before he got picked up to go to the bar, he made sure to show me that he put a ring on his engagement finger. So that women at the bar will know he’s not available. Even though, we’re not engaged. We’re just boyfriend, and girlfriend having a baby. Kinda doing things backwards. But I think he did that to prevent any insecurities of mine that could have rose, and yeah, that was sweet. 🙂

I have a good man, and he’s going to be an excellent father. Even though he’s starting to get nervous about fatherhood, he’s also excited.

Over the weekend my neighbor across the street gave me 2 bags of clothing. Which was awesome because my daughter was in need of winter boots, and voila! So huge thanks to her.

Also, I am really liking this FB group I joined, the Buy Nothing Hamilton Rd/ Old East Village group. Today a kind man dropped off some baby stuff he no longer needs. So yeah, that is a huge help, and very much appreciated. It’s nice to see a group like this exists, and it’s basically a community helping each-other out. I love it! Plus, you know what they say, One mans trash is another mans treasure. So yeah, less waste!

Which reminds me, The Really Really Free Market event is happening this Friday. I look forward to it. It’s kinda like a bartering event. Bring in what you don’t need, find something there that you do kinda thing. Doesn’t cost a thing, just trade.

My weekend with my children was awesome, as usual. Just very busy, jumping from chores, and trying to spend time with them as well. My man was feeling a bit under the weather after 4 beers. Hehehe! 😛 But that’s okay, even though I had fallen behind schedule, I was a machine! Lol Give myself a pat on the back, way to go mama!

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Note from my daughter 🙂 All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, I think that’s all I shall write today.  Just got wifi lately, and my internet is starting to act up again. Saying there is no connection. It’s getting annoying. This was supposed to be an upgrade, not a nuisance. Lol So I shall try to fix that. Hope you’re having a superb day! Peace and love! – Pooks

“Try not to get lost in comparing yourself to others. Discover your gifts and let them shine.”

– Jennie Finch

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

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Demolition

I know I have been blogging a lot this week, but I’ve been going through an extreme amount of emotions lately, and yeah. Today I just feel that it is important to do an update so that the people that sincerely care for my well being don’t worry.

So straight off the top, my man and I worked things out. It may have taken days. But I’m not exactly the easiest person to get through to when I’m angry. Thankfully he never gave up on this relationship, or this little family we are becoming.

Also, thanks to a friend that I’ve spoken to who has years of experience within a relationship, and dealing with quarrels within a relationship, ya know? I was given a different way to approach this situation. I mean, a lot of the advice I was getting was to call the police to get him out of my house. But that doesn’t solve the real issue. I basically had to face my fear of confrontation. I mean, normally I’m used to people cutting me off while I’m speaking, or people raising their voice over mine to drown my voice out, or things explode like past abusive violent situations, in past relationships, or even my childhood. If I say no to something, or disagree with something, heaven forbid. But it turns out, none of that happened. My man was respectful, we took turns saying what needed to be said. We cleared the air so to speak.

He’s willing to kick alcohol to the curb, cold turkey. Not for me. It’s his choice. He has been making an effort to cut down, and he has…but he’s even going to take that further and quit, for the sake of the child I’m carrying. Plus, he noticed most issues arise because of alcohol or whatever, and he’s done. He cares for me and our family more than he does for alcohol.

As for this other woman, that was kinda meddling with our relationship. That clearly has no respect for our relationship, because she has a thing for him. Well, we both decided to cut her out of our lives. My man came to the realization that no, his “god-child” is not HIS child. HIS child is the one in my womb. That is whom he is responsible for. He said he only was there for the god-child, he doesn’t agree with the way this woman parents her, and he feels sorry for that kid. But that’s not his problem or responsibility.

When it comes to this other woman, the way I see it. She has known my man for years. Long before I came along. She had plenty of time to swoop him up, but didn’t. So why wait until he’s happy in a relationship to be all like; “oh my god, I got a crush on this man”?!  Like seriously, ughhh…

I mean, yeah, the reason my man and I met in the first place was because this woman invited both me, and my boyfriend ( who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time) to her daughters birthday party years ago. My man said the moment he saw me there, he knew he wanted to be with me. He was all like; “Who is that…?!” Lol

Anyways, apparently this isn’t the first relationship she’s fucked with. I guess another relationship my man was in ended because of her. But he’s not going to let that happen this time.

So that resolves that. She’s gone. The alcohols gone. We can move on, hopefully with less drama. I mean, yes, problems will arise. And we will have to face those in the future, whatever they may be.

It may have taken me days to realize that, yes, it’s safe to communicate with him. He’s not gonna go all bat-shit crazy. He will actually sit down and talk to me, and try to sort things out with me. So yeah, he’s different than what I’m used to. He’s clearly proven that, and that’s good.

Yes we both have our insecurities, but he’s better at controlling his than I am of mine. But with his help, and with the help of my awesome friends who were there, I think we can overcome anything.

My friend was right, I wouldn’t have been so mad, if I didn’t care. Lol

As for C.A.S, my man reassured me, we’ll be ready when and if they come around.

So yeah, all those crazy fears that I had have been completely demolished. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but it has been demolished by love. I can move on feeling grateful, blessed, and confident that things are going to be okay.

Anyways, on with my day. Today I see my children at 4pm, and yeah. Thank goodness they don’t have to see a sad momma, just the happy one their used to seeing. Thank you for reading. Peace and Love – Pooks

“Lovers alone wear sunlight.”- E.E Cummings

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Relationships Suck (Part 2)

Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.

Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.

Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He  won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.

We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!

Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.

Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?

It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.

It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us,  our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.

I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.

I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.

If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks

“No matter what there always seems to be something clouding my existence, nothing is ever clear.”
– Emilyann Girdner

Relationships Suck

I guess I might as well blog today, because if I don’t, I will emotionally explode.

Anyways, I’m not well, emotionally, psychologically. I’m at a point where I think relationships suck, and the drama involved is just not worth it.

Going from no drama, to straight drama for 3 weeks in a row.

Lately it’s a continuation of when my supposed boyfriend accused me of blackmail when he was drinking. Saying that was the wrong term to use. But now he’s saying that him insisting that I ask permission to take any photos of him and post them online was the wrong term to use. Like make up your fuckin mind! Which was it?

Anyways, I found it pretty fucked up how I wasn’t allowed to post any photos of him, without his permission, yet his lady friend of his can?!! She had taken a pic of his ass, he was bent over, and that was okay. Well that just put things right into perspective. Ya know? Thanks for the wake up call, I clearly am not THAT fuckin special. This other woman gets a privilege that your supposed “queen” doesn’t. Yeah, that makes a lot of fuckin sense.

Not only that, but this fuckin woman has been getting under my skin for a while now. I used to be friends with her, but then fuckin deleted and blocked her because of her negativity. She was always bitching about something. Anyways, the only reason I had her back on my friend list was because my man asked me to unblock and re-add her, so that she can  print off pics of us for him. But of coarse that was bullshit. That never happened. She just turned out to be this obsessive troll “liking” every single pic and post regarding my man. After awhile, I can kinda take a hint. She has a thing for my man. I mean, she was posting pics of him on her own timeline, 5-7 at a time. So yes, that gets annoying. Like fuck! Clearly she has no respect for this relationship. I mean, she comes up with the dinky little excuses just to get my man over to her place. This needs to be fixed. Oh that needs to be fixed. Since when is he your bitch?!

But whatever, I’m not interested in the drama. No man is worth fighting over, she can have him! The only people worth fighting for are my kids.

Which brings me to another point. My supposed man is this womans daughters god father. This is what he wrote to me this morning in a letter:

“I’m only there to help make [god childs name] life better, nothing more, nothing less, and if you’re asking me to stop being [god childs name] god father, it’s wrong on your part for being selfish. I’ll always be there for my kid, because it’s my child.”

Well then… what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. Maybe he should have moved in with his god-child and her mother!! Instead of knocking me up and moving in. All that talk about him wanting a kid. Ugggh…. I mean, he’s “already got one.” “Do you know how much that means to me?” clearly doesn’t mean shit, because he used the same exact phrase towards this cunt.

Another thing, he posted this thing on FB saying noone understands him without thinking he’s being sarcastic or an asshole. And whose the first one to jump on that?? She is. Saying “I’ve understood you for years now.” Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe they should be together if they have such an “understanding”. Again, what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I’m just in the way.

So yeah, I want to fuckin end it all. This bullshit relationship, that probably wouldn’t even last because of all the doubts I have anyways. Such as doubting he can ever drop his dependency on alcohol for whatever excuse he comes up with; flashbacks, physical pain, for fun, to celebrate occasions, so that he’s not so “scatter-brained”, the list goes on and on. Yeah, try to tell me your not an alcoholic.

But yeah, that’s how I’m feeling. She says she has no interest in him that way, but her actions speak louder than her words. And I’m not interested in that triangular love drama bullshit.

I should’ve stayed single. There is always someone that can’t respect a relationship between 2 people, and I am not interested in that shit!

As for my child that I’m pregnant with. It was silly of me to believe this stupid fantasy, like C.A.S will let me keep a child. They will probably just take it away, or give him/her to the white father, just like my other 2.

So yep. I just keep fuckin up, making all the wrong fuckin choices.  – Pooks

 Tip of the day:

source: weheartit.com

source: weheartit.com

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

– Laurell K. Hamilton

More on my Mind than I Thought

Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.

Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.

Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂

Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.

Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.

So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.

Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol

Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.

Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.

He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.

I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.

I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.

And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.

Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.

I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.

Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.

My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.

I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what?  Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.

On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!

So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways,  My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.

Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks

Source: notsalmon.com

Source: notsalmon.com