Split

Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture  myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks

“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism

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