Fuck your Judgement

Hi.
To be honest, I  have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.

The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.

I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts,  good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.

However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.

I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
http://http://www.stylepinner.com/people-feeling-sorry-for-themselves/cGVvcGxlLWZlZWxpbmctc29ycnktZm9yLXRoZW1zZWx2ZXM/
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.

Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves.  I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.

Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.

So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.

Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks

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“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”

– Shannon L. Alder

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Beach ball

Hello again.

After talking to my OW worker on the phone, she was asking why I haven’t been showing up to Leads lately. I’m pretty sure I already explained that in my previous blog. So yeah, I filled her in. She suggested that I e-mail the Leads worker to give her feedback regarding how our last appointment went. That way the same doesn’t happen with future, or other clients. Ya know? Keep it professional. So I did that. My OW made it a point to not express any hostility, but to explain my perspective of what took place. Hopefully, I accomplished that. The following is what I sent, hopefully I don’t sound too much like a bitch.

Hello ****,
my OW worker has requested that I contact you, & follow up with you even though it is no longer necessary for me to go ahead with Leads. I will be job searching independently for the remainder of time of my pregnancy.
However, she did say that giving you feedback regarding our last appointment could be beneficial to you and future clients.
In your last email you apologized for your poor communication. I can forgive you for that. But I must let you know how I felt, and why I walked out.
First off, I felt like your questions had nothing to do with employment, and found them rather personal. Questions regarding my relationship, my pregnancy, my family, and if CAS is involved. None of those topics have anything to do with why I come to Leads in the first place.  I feel like you forgot your own occupation. You are not a psychologist, councilor, or an interrogation officer. The way you asked those questions, it was like a lightning round of questions. You were not really giving me time to think about my answers, you were cutting me off. As a deep thinker i prefer time to think before I speak. So that came off as rude and disrespectful, and it triggered my anxiety. It came off as aggressive behavior so I walked out of my appointment.
To avoid the same situation with other clients, I suggest focusing on skills and employment.
Thank you for taking the time to read my perspective. I hope my feedback will come in handy for the sake of others.

Sincerely,

Pauline King Shannon

Anyways, my OW worker gave me the option to either continue with Leads, and try to work things out with this worker, or for the last 2 months of my pregnancy, job search independently. However, she did say that trying to work it out with the Leads worker would give me some experience when dealing with difficult people or situations in the work field. That was before she thought about it, and gave me the option to job search independently. I got 2 more months to go. I mean, mobility is becoming more and more of a challenge. My tummy is growing into a beach ball. So yeah, job searching from home for 2 months would be a hell of a lot easier.

Umm… yesterday I was feeling kinda down. But thanks to my babe for listening and trying to understand. Even though I know he can’t possibly fathom what I was feeling. Yes, being pregnant is wonderful. But at the same time… Ughhh… I miss being as active I used to be. Also, pregnancy can come with some unpleasant side effects. For example: a bladder infection, hemorrhoids, swollen feet, ankles and fingers, indigestion, itchy breasts, etc, etc. So no, I’m not feeling so fabulous lately. And running to the washroom every 2 hours at night, ugh..no fun. I’m losing sleep. So there is a part of me that is getting impatient, and kinda feel tired of being pregnant. Like, just pop already! Lol Then there’s another part of me that doesn’t want to pop just yet, we aren’t ready. We still need a crib mattress, and other things for when I go into the hospital.

For a while there, I felt like I was being ignored, because my partner would be playing a videogame on the XBox One for hours. But he proved me otherwise. He turned off his game just to talk to me. So there goes that assumption that the game was a higher priority. Yup, scratch that. My babe is amazing. Probably just my freakin hormones going crazy. Thinking the worst.

Anyways, feeling much better today. Not as gloomy. I only got 2 more months to go, so yeah. I can do this!!

What else? … Sounds like my babe will be switching jobs soon. He works for his Dad, as a framer, and it sounds like his dad is done with framing and is gonna move onto other things. Luckily for my babe, he has a number of jobs to fall back on. I mean, he was offered 3 jobs that are there and waiting. So yeah, that’s pretty awesome.

Speaking of my babe, his portrait that I painted is off to New York for the Twitter Art Exhibit. Hopefully it arrives to it’s destination safely. This year all original post card art will be benefiting Foster Prides “Homemade program”. A program in which young women in foster care learn to create and market a unique line of goods.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It’ll be my third time participating in the Twitter Art Exhibit. Ya know? It kinda gives my art a purpose when I am able to help out non- profit organizations by donating my art. I tend to do that a lot. Lol Even locally. But I don’t know, I get a sense of a greater accomplishment that way. It’s like David Sandum ( the curator of the Twitter Art Exhibit) says; Art can make a difference.

Speaking of art, my mans mother and her boyfriend surprised me yesterday. They called and were requesting for a commission piece. Even though I hardly ever do commission pieces, but we’ll see how that goes. I’ve done commission work once, I think I can do it again. But normally, I like to paint and create whatever I want.

However, my focus at the moment is creating something for the next Up with Art event. A fundraising event that benefits the homeless through the Unity Project. The thing is, now that I have completed and shipped off my art to the Twitter Art Exhibit, my mind is at a blank or stand still when it comes to my next project. Can’t force inspiration, or creativity, it just happens. So hopefully, I can come up with something before the Spring.

Onto other things…. my man said that once we are done saving up for our baby and getting everything he/she needs. We can start saving up to see my family up north. That’s awesome! I got a feeling that my man will love it up in Trout Lake. My Aunt is already planning to take him to all her best fishing spots. Lol So yeah, that’s exciting. If not this year, maybe next year. Yaaaaay!

My cousin said it would be awesome if I could bring all 3 of my children. My son, daughter, and the baby. Yeah that would be awesome, but I think my son and daughter are too urbanized. I think they would complain the whole time being  out in the bush. Heck, it’s challenging enough just to get them to go to the conservation areas within the city with me. And I’m not sure my ex would allow that, since such a thing wasn’t allowed in the past. Things may have changed since then, and who knows, maybe he’d appreciate the break. But yeah, we’ll see when the time comes.

Speaking of my son and daughter, my son didn’t come to the last weekend visit. That was a bit disappointing, but it is his choice. This attitude he has towards my man is getting beyond annoying. My man is a good man. He’s not abusive. He works his ass off to make sure me and the kids are well off. And yeah, I’d hate to say it, but my son is being an ungrateful little shit. But I guess that kind of behavior is to be expected when adults, such as teachers and parents, let children walk all over them or just let the kid have their freakin way. And since my man won’t tolerate any disrespect or ungratefulness, he tries to discipline or teach that there are consequences to ones actions…No, my son won’t have it. How dare anybody try to teach him anything or discipline him in anyway. So yeah, perhaps all this, whatever my ex is teaching our son, is back-firing on us all, because our son has no respect for any authority figure. Parents included. Maybe it would be better off teaching him that kinda stuff, anti-capitalism stuff, when he’s older and not so literal. He’s 10 years old for crying out loud! Better yet, start teaching him to survive on his own. Teach him to cook, clean, garden, etc, etc. That way he’s not completely screwed over when it comes time to go out into the world on his own. That’s 8 years away, look how quick 10 years flew by. Geez!!

sayno

Source: Pinterest

Yeah, things with my son are a bit frustrating lately, and my ex wants us to coddle him basically. But the way I see it, we’re the adults, he’s the child. It’s not the other way around. There needs to be discipline, and routine, and structure with a child, otherwise…yeah.  You get my point. Ughhhh!!!  Stressed out mama.

Thankfully, were not going through this bullshit with our daughter. Ya know? She’s doing amazingly well in school, and actually wants to go. So good for her. If she keeps that positive attitude, she can get pretty far.

So yeah, that is an ongoing issue regarding our son and us 3 adults. I’m at a loss when it comes to doing something about it. I mean, my time is limited with my son, and if he chooses to not visit, then he doesn’t visit. So majority of my sons fate is left up to my ex, and it doesn’t look very promising. That’s just my perspective. I’m his mother, I’m supposed to worry about his well-being.

Anyways, that’s enough of that. It’s stressful enough just thinking about it.

So yeah, that’s some of the things going on in my life.

Other than that, I got my appointment booked at the Birthing Centre. Get to go over my birth plan, so on and so forth. 2 more months to go, and my mans and I’s pudgy little baby will be here! 😀

As always, thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”

– Jane Wagner

 

Hit Another Stage

Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!

Anyways, I know I’m not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I’ve gone from weekly, to every two weeks.  Basically, I’m just posting when I find the time.

Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I’m not overly tired either, I can blog.

A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.

The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there’s a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I’m good!

Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn’t a happy camper that day.  I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I’d assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn’t the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.

Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.

Not to mention I didn’t appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That’s not your job. She’s not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn’t any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I’m 6-7 months pregnant. I’m not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I’ll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I’m obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I’m late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don’t get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn’t want this woman as worker anymore.

So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and I really don’t want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.

Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it’s like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I’m a good mom. My kids know I’m a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That’s one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That’s the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.

I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He’s got more support than the average child. He’s still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.

My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He’s rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…

Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It’s difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it’s a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he’s kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue,  they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he’s doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They’d rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can’t see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.

Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.

As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he’d learn in school. So that he doesn’t fall too much behind.  My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We’ll start from scratch and build him up from there.

My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I’s  son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don’t want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.

In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.

Anyways, it’s pretty sad that my ex says he’s pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.

I know he’s a smart kid. He’s just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it’s time to learn, it’s time to learn. We weren’t given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don’t. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.

But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.

I’ve also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he’s still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He’s been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won’t do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.

There’s another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.

So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it’s a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.

Thankfully my daughter doesn’t have the same issue regarding school. She’s doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she’s been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She’s adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.

Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I’ve been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It’s going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it’s like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I mean, he says “art is the artists journey”, but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are  not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn’t learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won’t work unless he’s there. She has become highly dependent on him.

Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?

So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn’t go Wednesday. I didn’t feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.

Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I’m at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let  the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It’s a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.

I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.

Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So  the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.

Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that’s changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won’t be used for a first name, because I guess that would be “too embarrassing.”

Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂

Anyways, there’s a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We’re trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth.  I think that’s enough for this blog post anyways, you don’t need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.”

– Oscar Wilde

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

 

Bring on 2016!

Happy New Years to all my readers! Thank you for reading and following my blog through out the years. Hard to believe I’ve been doing this for 4 years now. But yeah, thanks for joining me on my journey through life.

This year has been amazing and full of surprises. I mean, I never thought I would be in a relationship, let alone expecting another baby. I thought it would be another year of the “untouchable Pooks.” But nope. I got swept off my feet, by this remarkable man that’s been waiting for me for years. And now he’s become a huge part of my life.

No, our pregnancy wasn’t planned. But we are both taking a chance. Besides, I think it’s helped  us grow even closer. And our baby-to-be is more and more seen as a blessing. We both look forward to his or her arrival. 3 more months!!

I think it’s cute when my daughter kisses and hugs my tummy. Or when she says things like, after the baby is born, she wants to hold the baby and watch movies together. That’s so cute. ❤ She seems to be handling the news of a younger sibling better than her brother did back in the day. But then again, we didn’t really prepare or talk to him about it. So to him, his little sister came out of nowhere with no warning, and yeah. He was kinda resentful about it. Ugh! The joys of parenting. You live and learn. Unfortunately, for the first-born, things are rocky since their parents are new to the whole parenting thing. So they’re a crash-coarse. Lol.

Anyways, 2015 has been amazing. I am thankful to everyone whose been apart of it. Especially the friends and family, near and far,  that have been there to share the laughter and the odd tears. But mostly laughter.

I’m grateful for my bestie for going for long crazy walks with me, those will be memories that will last a life-time. Thanks to her I got out of London for a day, and traveled to Kitchener, Waterloo, and Cambridge. Despite our lack of sleep, we still had a good time. Haha! Thank you caffeine!

I am grateful to still be a part of the New School of Colour. Thank you Marshall for taking the reigns and keeping the program going at the Ark Aid Street Mission.

I am thankful for the new friends I meet along the way.

I am thankful that my children and I are accepted into my boyfriends huge family.

Thank you to my ex for letting my children be in my life for another year. It’s been fun!

Thank you to my man of coarse. He’s taken me to such beautiful places during our hikes, and he’s made me feel like I actually matter. Thank him for picking me flowers, and for trying to surprise me at the Train station on a sprained ankle. Thank him for never giving up on me, and for actually wanting to be a father to our baby. Thank him for trying his best to be a positive part of my childrens lives. Even though there is some resistance there from my son. He doesn’t give up. Thank him for still loving me even when I get insecure, and feel like a fat lil pregnant hippo. Lol Thank him for his patience and hanging in there during my mood swings. Thank his beautiful mind, for always coming up with solutions when I panic and get emotional over obstacles in life. There is so much I can thank him for. He truly is amazing. ❤

Onto other things…This blog is turning into a blog of thank you’s, which there is nothing wrong with that. But I’m kinda avoiding what I really wanted to type about. But since I am on the topic of gratitude…

Christmas didn’t turn out as awesome as I thought it would be. However thank my man for busting his ass to try to make it awesome. I kinda feel bad that my son was so ungrateful and rude.

My ex just had to give him  tablet for Christmas. Nothing else seemed to have mattered. I mean, even one of my gifts that I gave him nearly got thrown in the trash with the wrapping paper. That’s how oblivious he was to the other gifts. He just wanted to go back to playing on his tablet. My boyfriend didn’t even get a thank you. My son has no idea how hard my man worked and stressed about giving my children a good Christmas. Which is pretty huge, because he really didn’t have to. But he did.

Thankfully, we when we went to visit My boyfriends family, on his fathers side, the tablet got left behind. However, my boyfriends family mentioned that they noticed an attitude problem with my son. Which is why they were kinda distant from him.

As my sons mother, that’s a wake up call. Of coarse I see my children as little angels. But I mean if their first impression of my son is concerning. Then yeah, somethings not right, and clearly needs to be worked on before things get way too out of hand.

I mean, I know there has been issues with the schools. But I can not pin point exactly what it is regarding my son that is causing all this. I know him and his father have a bumpy relationship. Obviously. There has been verbal abuse in the past. And my son said he wanted to put an axe in his fathers head. He’s angry. But then again, there was a time he and my daughter were hoping me and my ex would reconcile and get back together. I told them that that wouldn’t happen. I’m sure that hurt. But let’s face it, my ex and I’s past relationship was severely unhealthy. Then there’s the change with me getting into a new relationship. At first things seemed okay. But as time goes on, it’s like my son is building a wall blocking my partner out. I don’t think he copes with change very well. Never has. Even with the arrival of his little sister. He didn’t cope well with that very well either. And now there’s  another sibling on the way. He says he’s hoping for a brother, someone he can talk to. But, he doesn’t really talk to anyone. Whatever the main root of his issues are, he doesn’t let anyone in.

My partner thinks he’s a good kid regardless. He cares for him, and wants to be there for him. I mean, lately I’ve been concerned about my sons education, since he got pulled out of school to home school. Home-school doesn’t sound like it’s going very well. So yeah, I’m worried he’s falling more behind. My partner, however, bought a grade 5 curriculum text book, that includes Math, science, social studies and English. We’ve decided that our son won’t be allowed to use the XBox One, or computer, until he completes work from the text book. 1 page, both sides per subject. That way, I can see for myself just how far behind he is, and where he needs work.

My ex can teach him whatever at his place, but we’ll ( my boyfriend and I) do what we can from our end. I mean, I already asked my ex not to let our son bring his tablet over again. The whole purpose of the visits is so that I can see my son and daughter, and vice-versa. My son doesn’t come here to visit his tablet. So yeah, I don’t even want that thing here. Over the holidays, he was glued to that thing. Freakin technology, and children do not mix.

I mean, some parents are successful with technology and kids, they use it for educational purposes. However, with our son, it’s too late for that because it’s just been flat out entertainment since he was 5 years old.

So yeah, ya know? I want my son to be successful in the future. I don’t want him to have to struggle like his parents do within the welfare system. It’s not easy to get out of, as some people claim. That’s lucky. Not easy.

And I certainly don’t want him to turn to drugs and crime just to get by. My son is better than that. He deserves better than that. It’s too bad that his confidence is so low that he doesn’t believe that, or himself.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my son more than you’ll ever know. But as his mother, I won’t deny that there’s a problem and this mother is worried for him.

So I hope for 2016, and the years to follow, we can turn things around for him for the better. I hope I have the courage and strength to be the example he needs me to be. Sure I’ve accomplished great things over the years, but I’ll need to push myself even farther. Someones gotta do it, and show him another way.

So yeah, 2015 has had it’s ups, downs, obstacles and challenges. Bring on 2016! Thanks a bunch for reading, see you in the new year! Peace and love!- Pooks

“An attitude of gratitude brings great things.”

– Yogi Bhajan

 

Making up for my Absence

Long time no see!

I apologize for not blogging much lately. I think it’s been 2 weeks or so since the last time I blogged. But with Christmas rapidly approaching, we’ve been kinda busy. However, we think that my son and my daughter will have a good Christmas. Thanks to everyone that pitched in to help make this possible, wither it be through providing gifts, or money for gifts. You’re awesome! Miigwech!

Anyways, my last two Leads appointments went well. We started a module on confidence, and it turns out that my confidence isn’t as low as I had thought. It’s pretty good considering. However, pinpointing my insecurities, or admitting my insecurities was quite difficult. I got all teary eyed. But yeah, I had to state what goes through my mind, and what could have started those negative thoughts that belittle me and hold me back. It all goes back to my childhood, and the abusive foster mom. Fuck her!

I guess I need to talk about shit more until it no longer has any effect on me. But that’s the problem, as an introvert, I don’t talk about these things. In fact, I would rather try to forget. Even though that doesn’t really work, obviously. Ya know? I can move on with my life, but somewhere in the back of my mind these memories still exist, and haunt me when I am trying to move up in my life. So yeah, I need to speak about it verbally. That’s going to be a challenge. Talking about things and people I would rather pretend didn’t even exist.

Thankfully, I have my partner, and I know when I’m ready, he will listen.

But that’s enough of that. That’s some internal shit I need to work on that could in the end improve my confidence.

Umm… what else? Last week we made snow flakes out of paper at Leads. Just doing something fun and creative before the holidays. This wasn’t your ordinary fold and cut kind of snow flake. So thanks to my worker for teaching me something new. The one I made turned out pretty cool, and it is now hanging on my front door. So instead of your typical Christmas wreath, I have this cool looking snowflake! 🙂

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

At the New School of Colour, I completed a painting that has that H.R Giger Xenomorph resemblance. Which is pretty cool since I was not copying from any images, it was straight out of my head/ memory, and it came pretty close. People can tell where the inspiration came from.

As for the background, I was trying to paint without the bristles of a paintbrush. So I’d use the other end. Or I would find other objects to use. Such as the cap to my Gatorade, or the lid to my Lays Chips container. So on and so forth. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. I brought it home so that my partner can put a clear coat on it, since I can’t really do that on my own. Being pregnant and all. I have to be more careful around things that involve chemicals.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Last week, my mind kinda went blank. So I was working on some zentangles just for the hell of it.

Which reminds me, the current facilitator said that he’d try to get my art work into the library. Kind of like a small solo exhibit. That’s cool. I mean, I’ve been with the New School of Colour since 2011, and still haven’t had a solo art exhibition yet. Maybe it’s about time.

Umm… Within these last 2 weeks I also submitted some of my photography into something called “Colouring London”. Similar to what I have participated in the past with my photography, “Colouring between the Lines”. It is run by the same person that did the “Colouring between the Lines” exhibition a year or two ago, Lincoln McCardle. The difference is, this time around, the photographs submitted that get converted into colouring pages will become part of a colouring book. That’s cool. The proceeds will go to a local charity.  There’s still time to get involved, so if you are a London, ON photographer, you can submit your work to the following FB page:

Colouring London

One of 4 photographs I submitted into Colouring London. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

One of four photographs that I submitted into Colouring London. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

This past weekend my daughter was teaching me some French that she’s been learning at school. So that’s pretty awesome. She knows more words than I do. According to her report card, she’s doing well in school.

However, when it comes to an education, my son is falling more and more behind. From my perspective, both the school and my ex are responsible. The school, because it’s like they don’t want my son around. So even though my ex has been bringing my son to school, the school just sends our son back home shortly after. I can understand why my ex would get fed up, and decide to pull our son out of school. That goes on long enough, it’s like, what’s the point of bringing him in, if the school is just going to send him back home anyways. However, the homeschooling hasn’t really started, and according to my daughter, my son just sleeps all day. And sometimes I think my ex is capable of teaching our son, other times… I worry. I mean, an education is not watching Infowars. He needs to learn to read and write, and do math, and learn other skills that would benefit his future. Perhaps even learning a trade if all else fails. Infowars, and conspiracy theories won’t do that. I mean, our son has got to learn to take care of himself one day, and at this rate, it’s not looking so good. He’s not motivated to learn anything. It seems like his only interest is videogames. So as his mother, I am concerned. How do you teach someone that doesn’t want to learn? Or maybe noone has found the way to teach him yet. I mean, educational institutions focus on one way of learning, and that is auditory. Not everyone learns that way. Some people, like myself, are more visual and kinaesthetic.

Anyways, that’s a little mind boggling. I mean, I only see my children on weekends, so there is only so much I can do. My time is limited. So my sons education basically lies in the hands of the primary caregiver, my ex. Hopefully he can figure something out. Our son doesn’t need to fall more behind than he already is.

Other than that, my visits with my children have been going well. they’re good children. Even though my partner feels as if my son is being a bit resistant towards him. That whole “You’re not my father” kinda thing. But my man can understand, and has been pretty patient. I mean, he too has grown up with step dads in his life. So yeah, he can understand my son in that regard more than my son realizes. Lol

Before I forget, I want to mention that over the weekend I finally did a Christmas window painting. I painted the Grinch on the front window of my house, and I guess it turned out pretty good. I mean, the neighbors across the street asked my partner where we bought it from. I guess they thought it was one of those peel and stick on things you put on your window. Haha! Nope! My man proudly answered and said that I painted it, and that he’s always amazed with the things I can paint.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm.. what else? We’ve been preparing for our baby. Thank you to Angie Cooke from the Hamiltion Rd/ OEV Buy Nothing Group for giving us a crib.  And thank you to the kind lady that traveled all the way from Strathroy to give us a stroller. That takes care of two major pricey baby items we’ll be needing in the near future. The crib we got for free. As for the stroller, we probably paid only the quarter of the price of a brand new one. In the long run, that will help us out financially.

While I’m saying my thank you’s. I want to thank my good friend Melly for coming with me t o the Mall last week to do some Christmas shopping. It helps to go with someone that is familiar with the malls. 🙂

As for a baby update, my next doctor appointment is early January, and I believe my next ultrasound will be scheduled then. However I am happy to say that I can feel my baby kick more often. It’s kicks are getting stronger. So he or she must be growing. 🙂

Oh that reminds me, we did pick out names for our baby, even though we don’t know the sex yet.

For a girl: Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg

For a boy: Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg

We got the name Lily from my daughter. She actually suggested Lily tiger ( I think she meant Tiger Lily). But we thought the name Lily alone had a ring to it.

As for Adelaide, that is the name of the street that holds a lot of my partner and I’s relationship history. My man gave me his number to me twice on Adelaide Street. We’ve been for dates on Adelaide. We went grocery shopping on Adelaide. We both lived east of Adelaide. Our baby was even conceived on Adelaide. Lol The list goes on and on.

Derek, because that is my mans name. And my man has his fathers name for a middle name. so were kinda passing on the tradition so to speak.

King is my biological last name.

Wuytenburg is my mans last name.

So yaaay! We have a name. We actually picked those out months ago, but I just forgot to mention it here. Now you know.

Anyways, I think this is turning into quite the novel, so I shall end it here. Hard to believe Christmas is 2 days away already. But I am excited. It’s been awhile since I have celebrated Christmas with my son and daughter. I am looking forward to it. So I guess that leaves me with one more thank you. Thank you to my ex for allowing me to have our children over at my place for Christmas. It means a lot!

Oh, and thank you to the readers that actually take the time to read this whole blog post. Lol I know, it’s a long one. But then again, I’ve been M.I.A for 2 weeks. So yeah, a nice long blog post should make up for my absence. Hope you enjoyed the read. Peace and Love! – Pooks

Source: Power of Positivity

Source: Power of Positivity

 

In Their Ideal Society

Hello again!

I know it’s been awhile since I blogged. I believe I skipped a week. But some time away doesn’t hurt once in awhile.

Anyways, umm… what are the major things that have been happening. Besides the obvious, preparing for Christmas. This year I get to have my children over for Christmas, so that’s going to be awesome. My son requested to have an awesome Christmas dinner, with banana bread and cheese cake for dessert. We shall see what we can do. As in my partner and I.

Not only that but we have also been trying to prepare for our baby that is on the way. We managed to find a play pen for a good deal at a nearby second hand store. That was awesome. And My man’s sister gave us a bunch of stuff for the baby, a changing mat, clothes, bibs, etc. etc. Even though we do not know the sex of our baby.

Which reminds me, I might be getting an ultrasound sooner than expected. During my last doctor appointment, the doctor said my baby is underweight. I found that devastating. Because now Dr. M. Kennedy, like most doctors with a native patient, jump to the worst conclusions. Oh she’s native, she must be on drugs, or drinking alcohol. He was getting ready to call C.A.S, which upset and totally pissed me off. I mean, C.A.S has interfered enough with my life, like half of it. And this freakin doctor wanted to call them just because I “have a history with them.” He said, “They are there to help.” Hahaha! Bullshit! Not with my experience. They are there to help white people, the Capitalists, and the genocide. To rid people of colour in their ideal society.

I mean, years ago, it was a doctor at Victoria Hospital that got C.A.S involved back when my son was a baby. That judgmental, discriminating jackass jumped to conclusions and rather than testing me to see what’s up. He automatically accuses me of coming down off of crack, when truthfully, as the nurses found out after the fact, I had a breast infection; mastitis. These doctors should do their jobs rather than jumping to conclusions based on race. That’s very unprofessional. So yeah, haven’t really trusted doctors since. I hate them all equally.

Anyways,  back to recent times, another doctor came in and said that they won’t be calling C.A.S because they are not concerned. However, they will be monitoring the baby’s growth throughout my pregnancy. Which is why they want another ultrasound done soon.

I have to make sure my following appointments land on Mondays, so I get the same 2 doctors as last time. They want to be the ones to follow my pregnancy, and be there when I’m in labour. The Victoria Family Medical Centre doctors work in alternating teams. So yeah, if I book a different day, different doctor. I don’t mind the female doctor, but the male one, ooooooh… he got on my bad side for even mentioning C.A.S. However, I will remain co-operative. I know what could be stunting the growth of my baby, caffeine and smoking.

Anyways, after my appointment, my man came home to me crying. I’m so fortunate to have him there as support. Even when I’m all emotional. Right away he started to do some research on healthy foods that can help with weight gain during pregnancy, and went shopping for those foods. So yeah, even my diet has changed. I try to avoid drinking beverages with caffeine. We’re even being more careful with the kind of teas I drink, since there are teas that have caffeine within them. So yeah, sticking to more fruity, non caffeinated teas. Mornings are rough without some kind of caffeine, but I’ll manage. As for smoking, I smoked maybe 10 per day, and have been cutting back. Maybe I’ll be able to ween myself off them eventually. Fingers crossed! It’s not an easy habit to kick, I’ve tried and failed before.

Other than that, I missed my Leads appointment last week. I misplaced my bus pass, which turned out to be right under my nose the whole time. Go figure. I mean, since it’s getting colder, I wear a hoodie, a fleece vest ( since I can’t zip up my coat over my tummy), and my winter coat. So yeah, lots of pockets. Anyways, my bus pass was in my sweater, under all the layers the whole time. Ughh… Luckily, I was able to re-book. I mean I was looking forward to my appointment. I was just about to head out the door, and yeah, missing bus pass.

At the last appointment I attended at Leads, my worker noticed that I was fidgeting with my bus transfer as we talked. By the time I was done folding it, she said it looked like a snowflake. So that gave her the idea to make snowflakes at the next appointment. So I was curious to see if that was actually going to happen. Were we actually going to make paper snowflakes? Not your regular kind of Leads appointment. Haha! Creativity is contagious. I love it!

So yeah, I’ll see her tomorrow and find out.

As for the New School of Colour, I completed a small acrylic painting last week, and will probably be starting something new this evening.  While I’m there, my man said that is when he will be buying me a Christmas gift, and stashing it somewhere in the house. Lol

Speaking of painting, I still have to create something for the Twitter Art Exhibit, the last piece I was working on got messed up because I spilled tea all over it. So yeah, got to make another.

I also want to paint my front window with a Christmas theme this year. I got some tips from the former New School of Colour facilitator, since I knew he did that kind of thing at The Ark in the past. The thing is, finding the time. Newho, yeah, best of luck to him wherever life takes him. We was talking about getting a PH.D and becoming a doctor in the past. Maybe that’s what he’s doing. Good luck fellow rainbow ninja! We all know how much I love doctors. Hahaha! Maybe he will turn out to be a decent one. Who knows?!

During my last visit with my kids, we went for a walk to the park, and then wondered down streets we’ve never been down. I think I have a good sense of direction, so we didn’t get lost. Lol

Anyways, that’s life lately. Thank you for reading! Peace and Love! – Pooks

“Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble.”

– Lemony Snicket

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Gifted

 

Hello again!

I guess I’ll start this blog from what I can recall from Friday the 13th. Even though my last blog says it was posted on the 14th. For some reason, the date hasn’t been accurate lately on my blogs when I post, and I haven’t quite figured out how to fix that.

Anyways, November, 13,2015. It was a Friday, so I had my visit with my children at Tim Hortons. Which is where we ended up spending our time during the whole visit because it cold, windy, and a bit rainy outdoors at the time. We did leave to go to the nearby convenient store for snacks. But that was it. We just talked and were being silly at Tim Hortons. That’s what I love about my time with my children, we create our own fun. It doesn’t matter where.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

November 14th, my man and I went to Vegfest, and picked up some things. We couldn’t find basil at any of the grocery stores, so when we found it there, we definitely picked some up. Also, we got 2 bottles of Kombucha. My mans never tried it before, and now he takes a shot of it every morning. 🙂

Since Vegfest was taking place at the Western Fair, we stumbled upon 2 other events going on. One being a toy sale. Which was more for younger children. So we didn’t pick up too much there. However, the cashier thought we looked familiar, but couldn’t place from where. My only guess, since we’re pretty much hermits, social media. Probably my Twitter. Anyways, it’s funny when people recognize me, but can’t pin point from where. 😛

Anyways, after that, we went to the Gem and Mineral show and checked out all these cool rocks, fossils, crystals and stuff. I’ve never been to an event like that before. So it was cool. We picked up some arrow heads, and my man wants to make our bun in the oven a mini spear, for our Lil Turkey Hunter/Warrior. ❤

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Uhh… lets see…during the week. I’ll just focus on the main shtuff. Uhh… Tuesday I skipped going to the New School of Colour to get some chores done around the house.

Wednesday was my Leads appointment, and we were talking about communication and confidence. Ya know? According to the module in their files, I’m a pretty good communicator,  it’s just my own thoughts that think otherwise. My confidence.  So we were going through steps on how to improve my confidence, for example, listing off my accomplishments, and I really should give myself more credit, as I’ve done quite a bit. Publishing a book in 2013… having my art in 20 art exhibits/ events over the years since 2011.  Those are pretty big, and only a couple of examples. But yeah, I should give myself more credit. It hasn’t been easy building this force of creativity  that goes by the name of Pooks

Thursday and Friday, they just kinda flew by, and this past weekend my children were over. Also on Saturday, my man had a night out to celebrate his best friends birthday. A friend he hasn’t seen in a year, but has been friends with for 20 years. So yeah, I made the exception, he rarely gets to see this dude, so he can drink. As long as he doesn’t get plastered because I had my children over. Turns out, he only had 4 beers, and got a hung over from that. He was all like; “What are you doing to me? I’m such a lightweight now.” Lol So I said “Just consider it cleansing your system”.

However, we did have a bit of a misunderstanding, and bickered that night, I thought he had drank more, but nope. He was good and behaved. Even said he was showing off the ultrasound picture of his baby to all his friends. ❤

Before he got picked up to go to the bar, he made sure to show me that he put a ring on his engagement finger. So that women at the bar will know he’s not available. Even though, we’re not engaged. We’re just boyfriend, and girlfriend having a baby. Kinda doing things backwards. But I think he did that to prevent any insecurities of mine that could have rose, and yeah, that was sweet. 🙂

I have a good man, and he’s going to be an excellent father. Even though he’s starting to get nervous about fatherhood, he’s also excited.

Over the weekend my neighbor across the street gave me 2 bags of clothing. Which was awesome because my daughter was in need of winter boots, and voila! So huge thanks to her.

Also, I am really liking this FB group I joined, the Buy Nothing Hamilton Rd/ Old East Village group. Today a kind man dropped off some baby stuff he no longer needs. So yeah, that is a huge help, and very much appreciated. It’s nice to see a group like this exists, and it’s basically a community helping each-other out. I love it! Plus, you know what they say, One mans trash is another mans treasure. So yeah, less waste!

Which reminds me, The Really Really Free Market event is happening this Friday. I look forward to it. It’s kinda like a bartering event. Bring in what you don’t need, find something there that you do kinda thing. Doesn’t cost a thing, just trade.

My weekend with my children was awesome, as usual. Just very busy, jumping from chores, and trying to spend time with them as well. My man was feeling a bit under the weather after 4 beers. Hehehe! 😛 But that’s okay, even though I had fallen behind schedule, I was a machine! Lol Give myself a pat on the back, way to go mama!

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Note from my daughter 🙂 All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, I think that’s all I shall write today.  Just got wifi lately, and my internet is starting to act up again. Saying there is no connection. It’s getting annoying. This was supposed to be an upgrade, not a nuisance. Lol So I shall try to fix that. Hope you’re having a superb day! Peace and love! – Pooks

“Try not to get lost in comparing yourself to others. Discover your gifts and let them shine.”

– Jennie Finch

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

Demolition

I know I have been blogging a lot this week, but I’ve been going through an extreme amount of emotions lately, and yeah. Today I just feel that it is important to do an update so that the people that sincerely care for my well being don’t worry.

So straight off the top, my man and I worked things out. It may have taken days. But I’m not exactly the easiest person to get through to when I’m angry. Thankfully he never gave up on this relationship, or this little family we are becoming.

Also, thanks to a friend that I’ve spoken to who has years of experience within a relationship, and dealing with quarrels within a relationship, ya know? I was given a different way to approach this situation. I mean, a lot of the advice I was getting was to call the police to get him out of my house. But that doesn’t solve the real issue. I basically had to face my fear of confrontation. I mean, normally I’m used to people cutting me off while I’m speaking, or people raising their voice over mine to drown my voice out, or things explode like past abusive violent situations, in past relationships, or even my childhood. If I say no to something, or disagree with something, heaven forbid. But it turns out, none of that happened. My man was respectful, we took turns saying what needed to be said. We cleared the air so to speak.

He’s willing to kick alcohol to the curb, cold turkey. Not for me. It’s his choice. He has been making an effort to cut down, and he has…but he’s even going to take that further and quit, for the sake of the child I’m carrying. Plus, he noticed most issues arise because of alcohol or whatever, and he’s done. He cares for me and our family more than he does for alcohol.

As for this other woman, that was kinda meddling with our relationship. That clearly has no respect for our relationship, because she has a thing for him. Well, we both decided to cut her out of our lives. My man came to the realization that no, his “god-child” is not HIS child. HIS child is the one in my womb. That is whom he is responsible for. He said he only was there for the god-child, he doesn’t agree with the way this woman parents her, and he feels sorry for that kid. But that’s not his problem or responsibility.

When it comes to this other woman, the way I see it. She has known my man for years. Long before I came along. She had plenty of time to swoop him up, but didn’t. So why wait until he’s happy in a relationship to be all like; “oh my god, I got a crush on this man”?!  Like seriously, ughhh…

I mean, yeah, the reason my man and I met in the first place was because this woman invited both me, and my boyfriend ( who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time) to her daughters birthday party years ago. My man said the moment he saw me there, he knew he wanted to be with me. He was all like; “Who is that…?!” Lol

Anyways, apparently this isn’t the first relationship she’s fucked with. I guess another relationship my man was in ended because of her. But he’s not going to let that happen this time.

So that resolves that. She’s gone. The alcohols gone. We can move on, hopefully with less drama. I mean, yes, problems will arise. And we will have to face those in the future, whatever they may be.

It may have taken me days to realize that, yes, it’s safe to communicate with him. He’s not gonna go all bat-shit crazy. He will actually sit down and talk to me, and try to sort things out with me. So yeah, he’s different than what I’m used to. He’s clearly proven that, and that’s good.

Yes we both have our insecurities, but he’s better at controlling his than I am of mine. But with his help, and with the help of my awesome friends who were there, I think we can overcome anything.

My friend was right, I wouldn’t have been so mad, if I didn’t care. Lol

As for C.A.S, my man reassured me, we’ll be ready when and if they come around.

So yeah, all those crazy fears that I had have been completely demolished. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but it has been demolished by love. I can move on feeling grateful, blessed, and confident that things are going to be okay.

Anyways, on with my day. Today I see my children at 4pm, and yeah. Thank goodness they don’t have to see a sad momma, just the happy one their used to seeing. Thank you for reading. Peace and Love – Pooks

“Lovers alone wear sunlight.”- E.E Cummings

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Relationships Suck (Part 2)

Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.

Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.

Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He  won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.

We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!

Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.

Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?

It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.

It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us,  our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.

I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.

I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.

If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks

“No matter what there always seems to be something clouding my existence, nothing is ever clear.”
– Emilyann Girdner

Relationships Suck

I guess I might as well blog today, because if I don’t, I will emotionally explode.

Anyways, I’m not well, emotionally, psychologically. I’m at a point where I think relationships suck, and the drama involved is just not worth it.

Going from no drama, to straight drama for 3 weeks in a row.

Lately it’s a continuation of when my supposed boyfriend accused me of blackmail when he was drinking. Saying that was the wrong term to use. But now he’s saying that him insisting that I ask permission to take any photos of him and post them online was the wrong term to use. Like make up your fuckin mind! Which was it?

Anyways, I found it pretty fucked up how I wasn’t allowed to post any photos of him, without his permission, yet his lady friend of his can?!! She had taken a pic of his ass, he was bent over, and that was okay. Well that just put things right into perspective. Ya know? Thanks for the wake up call, I clearly am not THAT fuckin special. This other woman gets a privilege that your supposed “queen” doesn’t. Yeah, that makes a lot of fuckin sense.

Not only that, but this fuckin woman has been getting under my skin for a while now. I used to be friends with her, but then fuckin deleted and blocked her because of her negativity. She was always bitching about something. Anyways, the only reason I had her back on my friend list was because my man asked me to unblock and re-add her, so that she can  print off pics of us for him. But of coarse that was bullshit. That never happened. She just turned out to be this obsessive troll “liking” every single pic and post regarding my man. After awhile, I can kinda take a hint. She has a thing for my man. I mean, she was posting pics of him on her own timeline, 5-7 at a time. So yes, that gets annoying. Like fuck! Clearly she has no respect for this relationship. I mean, she comes up with the dinky little excuses just to get my man over to her place. This needs to be fixed. Oh that needs to be fixed. Since when is he your bitch?!

But whatever, I’m not interested in the drama. No man is worth fighting over, she can have him! The only people worth fighting for are my kids.

Which brings me to another point. My supposed man is this womans daughters god father. This is what he wrote to me this morning in a letter:

“I’m only there to help make [god childs name] life better, nothing more, nothing less, and if you’re asking me to stop being [god childs name] god father, it’s wrong on your part for being selfish. I’ll always be there for my kid, because it’s my child.”

Well then… what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. Maybe he should have moved in with his god-child and her mother!! Instead of knocking me up and moving in. All that talk about him wanting a kid. Ugggh…. I mean, he’s “already got one.” “Do you know how much that means to me?” clearly doesn’t mean shit, because he used the same exact phrase towards this cunt.

Another thing, he posted this thing on FB saying noone understands him without thinking he’s being sarcastic or an asshole. And whose the first one to jump on that?? She is. Saying “I’ve understood you for years now.” Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe they should be together if they have such an “understanding”. Again, what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I’m just in the way.

So yeah, I want to fuckin end it all. This bullshit relationship, that probably wouldn’t even last because of all the doubts I have anyways. Such as doubting he can ever drop his dependency on alcohol for whatever excuse he comes up with; flashbacks, physical pain, for fun, to celebrate occasions, so that he’s not so “scatter-brained”, the list goes on and on. Yeah, try to tell me your not an alcoholic.

But yeah, that’s how I’m feeling. She says she has no interest in him that way, but her actions speak louder than her words. And I’m not interested in that triangular love drama bullshit.

I should’ve stayed single. There is always someone that can’t respect a relationship between 2 people, and I am not interested in that shit!

As for my child that I’m pregnant with. It was silly of me to believe this stupid fantasy, like C.A.S will let me keep a child. They will probably just take it away, or give him/her to the white father, just like my other 2.

So yep. I just keep fuckin up, making all the wrong fuckin choices.  – Pooks

 Tip of the day:

source: weheartit.com

source: weheartit.com

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

– Laurell K. Hamilton