Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!
Anyways, I know I’m not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I’ve gone from weekly, to every two weeks. Basically, I’m just posting when I find the time.
Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I’m not overly tired either, I can blog.
A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.
The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there’s a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I’m good!
Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn’t a happy camper that day. I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I’d assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn’t the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.
Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.
Not to mention I didn’t appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That’s not your job. She’s not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn’t any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I’m 6-7 months pregnant. I’m not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I’ll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I’m obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I’m late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don’t get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn’t want this woman as worker anymore.
So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and I really don’t want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.
Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it’s like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I’m a good mom. My kids know I’m a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That’s one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That’s the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.
I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He’s got more support than the average child. He’s still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.
My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He’s rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…
Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It’s difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it’s a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he’s kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue, they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he’s doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They’d rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can’t see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.
Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.
As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he’d learn in school. So that he doesn’t fall too much behind. My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We’ll start from scratch and build him up from there.
My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I’s son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don’t want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.
In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.
Anyways, it’s pretty sad that my ex says he’s pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.
I know he’s a smart kid. He’s just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it’s time to learn, it’s time to learn. We weren’t given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don’t. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.
But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.
I’ve also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he’s still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He’s been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won’t do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.
There’s another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.
So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it’s a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.
Thankfully my daughter doesn’t have the same issue regarding school. She’s doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she’s been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.
Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She’s adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.
Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I’ve been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It’s going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it’s like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.
I mean, he says “art is the artists journey”, but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn’t learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won’t work unless he’s there. She has become highly dependent on him.
Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?
So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn’t go Wednesday. I didn’t feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.
Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I’m at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It’s a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.
I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.
Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.
Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that’s changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won’t be used for a first name, because I guess that would be “too embarrassing.”
Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂
Anyways, there’s a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We’re trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth. I think that’s enough for this blog post anyways, you don’t need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks
“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.”
– Oscar Wilde
I know I said in a tweet; “Speak to those who live it #poverty #ldnont” But perhaps the word “speak” isn’t the correct word to use, so I shall correct that right as of now. “Listen to those that live it #poverty #ldnont “. I completely agree with Melly on this. The people who are going to have the most knowledge regarding poverty and homelessness are the ones currently experiencing it. Not the people that think they know just because of their educational background. The Education system is an organization that is a part of the system that will tell, and teach you only what the Capitalists want you to know and believe. It doesn’t necessarily make it the truth. Listen to the people. – Pooks
This panel is not going to change anything or know what to do to change anything with the current roster it has. No one on the panel is impoverished or homeless. They are paid (and publicly funded, in most cases) to work WITH those in poverty and homeless. They have fancy degrees and pieces of paper showing they can read textbooks and case studies about homelessness and poverty, but nothing other than that. This panel needs someone who has lived experience, rather than just having the panel reach out to organizations to get their opinions. This panel needs a voice or voices that can actually speak from experience and/or on behalf of those who are currently, or have ever been, homeless and/or impoverished.
Someone who isn’t a friend of Matt Brown. Someone who didn’t pay for his election campaign. Someone whose funding or job doesn’t depend on whether they tell…
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This post won’t be very long…at least that’s what I think at the moment.
I am not feeling well. My doctor prescribed me some antibiotics that either make me vomit, or give me diarrhea. No fun. Plus the new batch of meds gives me a sore stomache. Bluuuh!
So yeah. I will try to write something. Even though I currently feel like shit.
I suppose the odours the puppies leave on the carpet doesn’t help. I tend to become sensitive to smells when I am pregnant.
Anyways, I had a bit of a scare that made me go to Emerge on Monday evening. The fear of another miscarriage. But nope. All is well, and I am just starting to feel the side effects of the antibiotics I was prescribed last week.
It never fails. At some point in my pregnancies, I wind up with a UTI. Anyways, I was prescribed even more antibiotics to cope with some of the irritation I was experiencing.
So yay to another week of these unpleasant side effects. Mostly vomiting, and diarrhea. TMI, I know. But this is my blog, and I write whatever the fuck I want. Mostly, my reality. My truth.
Other than feeling like shit lately, my man and I made an attempt to get my children outdoors last weekend to go fishing at Westminster Ponds. However, no luck with the fish. And my children are so urbanized, they complained majority of the time. They’d rather be home and indoors on a beautiful day…or every day for that matter. It gets a bit frustrating. But then again, I was raised in a small town out in butt fuck nowhere. Compared to my children, growing up in the city. Big difference.
I find people that live in the city relate fun to consumption. In order to have fun, money must be spent. Whether it’s shopping at malls, going to the movies, etc etc. Up north, you made your own fun, and rarely costed a thing, just the use of your imagination. Ahem, if you recall, I was the strange kid chasing my shadow.
Heck, even for adults. Alcohol is pushed on so many young adults as entertainment. Drink on the weekends. Or drink when your off work. Consume. Consume. Buy buy buy!! But that’s the world and civilization of Capitalism. Ugh. And yet still, so many people can’t see it. It’s become the norm. What we’ve become accustomed to. It’s like the use of a creative imagination is getting wiped out.
My man lectures me about Capitalism, and conformity. Well..not really lectures. But he talks about it, a lot, to get his point across. And says that he doesn’t like Capitalism, but unfortunately we have to conform a bit in order to get the things that we want or need with money. For example; a house, a car, etc. That’s just the way the world is. Yes, he’d rather barter, and live off the land. But in order to obtain land, you need money.
I usually bite my tongue during these discussions, because I believe conformity is a mental illness. It’s flat out brainwashing. I refuse to let people or organizations tell me what and how to think. Hence my struggles with most organizations and institutions throughout my life time.
If we all think and do the same, nothing changes. I know defiance is looked down upon, but it is those that deviate that make history. Not the sheep.
I see it repeatedly when I look at the artists I admire. The ones that didn’t conform to please others. They knew they were different and owned it.
So yeah, when my man says things like I need to present myself in a certain manner to certain family members that are more conservative. It is not I that needs to change. But their perspective that does. I am an artist. I can be somewhat eccentric at times, and that will just have to be accepted.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my man. We have a lot in common, but also have some differences in opinions, obviously. Especially when it comes to conformity. But that’s okay. Because for some reason he met me, and for some reason I met him. We have a lot to learn from each other.
Last night we got into a bit of conflict..regarding weed, alcohol, Capitalism, and me being too quiet. Ya know? It seems like I know more about him than he does about me. But then again, he’s one of those people that can babble on and on about themselves. I just listen. If you want me to speak, than ya gotta learn to shut up and listen once in a while. But yeah. Whatever. Apparently alot of people are like that. My kind is rare.
So yeah. Not perfect. Some times things get rocky. We clearly got some things to work on. – Pooks
Okie dokie. Blog day!
I think I’ll start off with some thoughts here and there that I have been thinking about. One recent, one I jotted down on paper. Then I’ll review and reflect on my week. Here it goes…
So I went to The Ark for dinner ( I’m saving the food I have at home for my kids), and Sanctuary was volunteering. I don’t know who was the volunteer wearing the dark grey sweater, red shirt, and red ball cap, but he was just being a dink. An elderly man that usually comes down to the New School of Colour to socialize asked for shrimp, and not the pasta. They were mixed together in a pasta salad. Anyway, this guy was like, “Really?” Then he was trying to tell the other volunteer to not to serve him. Or only give him 2 shrimps. Really?!! You’re gonna deny a guy in need of food?! And did you ever think that maybe there is a reason some of the people specifically ask for one thing and not the other? Some people do that if they have allergies!! No need to be stingy . There’s not many people there at this time of month, so there is plenty to go around!! Yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that guy. Luckily for this respected regular, I gave him the shrimp I got because I don’t normally eat shrimp. Not a fan of the texture. Newho, he appreciated that and chowed down.
Moving on…to the things I wrote down on paper… let me find my notes. Yes. I actually wrote some notes this time! Haha!
I was thinking how some online activists say they don’t, or won’t, post meaningless, worthless posts like “you” do. They normally say that when someone has a different perspective aside from their own. There is a flaw in that. I mean they are trying to reach the people, but abuse and belittle the people instead. So what they are trying to achieve is compromised by behaving just like the people they are fighting against, the capitalists.
I mean, FB posts, tweets, whichever social media you use, those are your thoughts or things you relate to that you share. So they do have sentimental value. Your thoughts matter, and anyone that says they don’t are wrong and pig-headed. Shame on these activists for being so bias, for thinking they are better, smarter and superior than others based on what they post via social media.
Besides, majority of these online activists don’t really share their thoughts or interpretations, they just share articles. Thus, being an echo of someone else’s thoughts that is not their own.
Not to mention, if they were so “intelligent”, than they would at least notice their own behavior as abusive and non-effective. But they just keep repeating the same bullshit whenever someone disagrees with their opinion.
They act like the religious organizations, and other social institutions, as they try to force their thoughts to become your thoughts. There is no respect or acceptance for anyone that may question or think differently.
That is a huge problem in this world, and they aren’t making it any better.
Perhaps these activists need to take a different approach regarding communication if they really want to make a difference. Is behaving like your enemy going to get you the results you desire? No. Just the continuation of this vicious violent abusive cycle. Not very peaceful, is it?
Hence why I backed out of activism, especially around here. There must be a better way to reach others without force and abuse.
I can only hope the things I do in my life-time inspire others to do some kind of positive action.
Language, verbal, and written communication does have it’s barriers. We don’t all speak the same native tongue. And online or text communication often leads to a lot of misunderstandings. But as an artist, I know one form of communication that is universal, and that is through imagery. Which is probably why I’d rather put more focus into my art, than be another ranting online activist trying to shove my opinion down your throats.
Yeah, I once admired their efforts, and their cause, but after so many abusive interactions, I’ve had enough. That is not progress. Besides, The best thing for me, or anyone really, is to take myself out of abusive situations. Until they see that for themselves, and try something different, than no progress will be made.
Besides, I like to post whatever the fuck I want via. social media. Not just bad news. I like to think of myself as silly, fun, and spontaneous like a Jester. I can make people laugh, smile, lift spirits, and inspire. I feel like I lose that part of me focusing only on the negatives in this world. There are positive things too, you just need to seek them out.
Yes, the Capitalists are sick, twisted, greedy scum. But I won’t allow their bullshit to turn me into a bitter person. I know I am stronger than that.
Now onto my review of my week… the personal life of Pooks.
I should probably start off with last Friday, when I had a 4 hour visit with my children outdoors. It was a cold day, but I think we did our best to make the best of it. We tried go park hopping, but that didn’t quite work out. I didn’t have the proper footwear to be out on a field of wet grass. Cold wet feet, not good. So instead, we went into the conservation area. It was less cold in there since the trees kind of sheltered us from the wind. The paths were mostly ice, so I didn’t have to worry about getting a soaker. We had fun, chasing each-other down the trails.
Saturday, that was soup and sandwich night at The Ark. I went there the friend I’ve reunited with. Somewhere within the week, we went a couple walks downtown. We even went for this long hike for Vanilla Coke, but got mocha’s instead. I’ve missed her over the years, and it’s good to have her back in my life. It’s good to have my walking buddy back, and we just go on random adventures. It’s always fun.
On Tuesday, during a Leads appointment, we were figuring out what kind of learner I am. Which I think I am both a hands on, and visual learner. I also did a personality test, and once again my result was… the Idealist. INFP- Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling Perceiving. Not surprised. That’s result I get for every personality test I do. I believe that’s the same result I got 2-3 years ago. Still the same! If your interested on reading the portrait of an INFP, the link is provided below ( It makes me laugh because I do in fact relate to the result) :
In the possible career selection for an INFP, it listed the following jobs; Writers, Counselors/Social Workers, Teachers/ Professors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Musicians, Clergy/Religious Workers. It makes sense with the writer thing. Heck, I’m blogging right now. Umm.. my worker suggested maybe to try teaching, but yeah, I said I don’t feel courageous or confident enough for that yet. I’m not very good at explaining things vocally, let alone to a crowd. Large crowds usually give me anxiety. I don’t think I can do the psychologist, or psychiatric thing, I would be absorbing too much negativity. And yeah, that’s never pretty. Haha! A social worker? maybe, that depends. For what cause? Hahaha! So yeah, some possibilities to ponder.
After my Leads appointment, a friend took me out for lunch to Crabby Joe’s. That was a nice way to spend the afternoon. Thanks to my friend that took me out that day!
Umm… Lately at the New School of Colour, I haven’t really been working on my painting, but more so learning from others. This week an artist came in and showed me how to do this really neat effect with ink, and a glossy coating for texture. The result was amazing!
That is not the only thing I’ve been learning this week. But another artist from the New School of Colour is actually walking me through step by step on how to measure and cut the matte boards for framing instead of doing it for me. I get to learn how to do it myself…kinda. I kinda messed up the first time, but hey, that’s how we learn, trial and error. Haha! I’m starting to get that it isn’t really that technical, mostly fractions. I’m not that great at math, but hey, it’s good practice.
Afterwards I hung out at a friends apartment, along with another friend. We talked about art, and had a lot of laughs. It was a very inspiring night.
Today I was running errands in the rain, and I got myself new shoes. I had to get my shopping done before all the grocery stores close for the Easter holidays. So yes, I am prepared for this coming weekend when my kids spend a night over. I am looking forward to another awesome weekend!
Newho, this blog post is very very long. Apparently I had a lot to share. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading! – Pooks
“Living in a way that reflects one’s values is not just about what you do, it is also about how you do things.” – Deborah Day
Well here I am, writing again. Twice in one day. Actually, now it’s past midnight, so technically it’s the next day. I just think of it as the same day because I have not slept yet.
The reason for me writing again is because my biological family had a bit of a scare tonight. We almost lost someone valuable to us.
My cousin found out that her mother was hospitalized, and that she was drinking and nearly froze to death. My heart sank when I read that on Facebook. As I’ve mentioned before, freezing to death is how two of my uncles passed away, and my grandmother.
My aunt and my uncle are the only elders left of the Kings. There’s only two left standing. And the way I see it, they are the closest connections I got to my deceased Mother, and any family history that we may have. So yes, it would be a tragic loss if either of those two were to die.
The good news is, my aunt is okay, and is recovering.
My cousin is pretty hurt, angry, sad, worried…a whole bunch of emotions regarding my aunts addiction to alcohol. Understandable, it is her mother in the hospital. Of coarse she’s going to be frantic.
Sadly substance abuse is how a lot of our people cope with life as a native. Many residential school survivors use substances to bury the pain and trauma. It’s not really an excuse, but the truth of our cultures past reality. It clearly still has an impact to this day. Very devastating.
I remember when I went up north for the family reunion, My Aunt, another relative and I went to the bar. My aunt did drink quite a bit. I don’t think she remembers telling me what she told me regarding her own experiences in a residential school. She kept her head down, her back hunched, what I saw and heard was a woman in severe emotional pain. I listened and hugged her. What she shared with me, I will not repeat. I think she trusted me with that, which is why she told me. That is her truth, that I hope she can gain the courage to share wide open one day. Anyways, I didn’t drink that night. I drank lots of Pepsi and 7Up though. It’s a good thing too, because I was able to walk my Aunt back to where we were staying. Too bad nobody sober was with her this time around.
Regardless, I am glad she is okay, and that we didn’t lost another King. I worry about those two, my Aunt and my Uncle. They are homeless. So yeah, it’s hard to keep track of where they are, and how they’re doing.
However, there is a way to help somewhat, by helping their local emergency shelter. I just checked the Aviva website, even though the shelter didn’t fund-raise enough, or get enough votes, there’s still an option to donate to the Red Lake Area Emergency Shelter. So if you can donate, please do. Miigwech in advance.
I think I’ll finish this post off with a poem written by my Aunt. One of my favorites. If you like it, find her on FB and inquire about her book; A Book of Poetry. Anyways, here it goes;
An Indians Tears
In the realm of my dreams
no artistry comes to mind this artist has become blind
eyes that once shone with pride
behind dark glasses, they now hide
memories of days gone by
remembering, she begins to cry
“Indians don’t cry”, so they say
their pride won’t let them anyway
Too often I have cried in sorrow
wishing only for a better tomorrow
this Indian woman is not too proud to cry
you have witnessed my tears, and yet, don’t ask “why?”
is it out of respect or out of shame
that you huddle close, as you whisper my name
Don’t worry yourselves so
for I already know
my tears are a hindrance to you all
But, they will continue to fall
who knows when this face will smile again
who will be around to ease the pain
no answers reach my ears
as your eyes now too, fill with tears
don’t hang your heads in shame
for, our tears have a name
© 2008 Sarah Jane King
Thanks for reading. I know my family has it’s problems, but I love them. Society played it’s part when it comes to colonialism. There’s no doubt about that. So there is no point in blaming the victim. Maybe it’s time to wake up and take a real good look at how First Nations people are treated, in the past, AND in the present. Perhaps it’s time to make a right in a more positive direction. Fuck your racist elitists!
Just the fact that I can relate to my aunts poems regarding racism, and being native in this world, scares me. Especially because she wrote those poems years ago, and I am the next generation. Wow. that is pretty shocking. Are our children going to feel this pain as well? – Pooks
“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching
— they are your family. ”- Jim Butcher
I used to think this blog was a spiritual journey at one time. Then I ventured into activism…but it just seems like ever since I took sociology and got into activism, I’ve been going down this never-ending dark downward spiral.
It’s only getting worse. I like people less and less. I have no faith in humanity or their revolution.
Last night I got into another dispute with an activist, regarding strategies v.s chaos. This person believes the people need to have tactful plans, and be educated like the military in order to take down the system. My thoughts, I don’t believe you can take down an organized system by their rules, strategies, and plans. Chaos on the other hand is out of their control, and unpredictable. While they march in their straight lines, huddled together (making themselves more vulnerable) , it’s hard to target people scattered and spreading all over place tearing their system apart.
She mentioned something about coming face to face with a tank. What am I going to do then? Does a person need weapons to overcome a tank? No, just their brain. A tank is freakin metal, douse that with water and add some electricity. I doubt it will function, nor the people inside of it, after that. Just a thought.
Anyways, I seem to have an act for bringing out and exposing the ugliness in a person. I was clearly getting her flustered, so she went onto ridiculing the traditional ways of living (ahem, I am native, and she is fully aware of that. How convenient to throw in the traditional ways to counteract me).
“I can go learn to live with nature and heal and clean innovate new ways of living with traditional ways and when people spill all the oil into their water and all have brain damage and the bees are dead they will see us doing what they are they going to be drawn too. Mind you when the bees are dead say byebye lol.”
Hmm… sounds a little racist to me, funny how she should bring that up, just saying. And as an activist, she sure has a shitty way of fighting. Let’s scare the people even more! Induce more fear into the people, like that will do anything. And if anyone has any remote amount of courage, let’s diffuse it with fear and show them why it is utterly hopeless.
“They are training cops and military officials to react to violence with violence and if you think you stand one chance against tanks and guns and tons of polices and whatever the fuck kind of weird weapon they want to release on you before you go to jail then you have no idea what they are expecting.”
So yeah, I think I am done with activism, or just the activists around here. They seem to be their own little tight group. So I cut them all out. No point in letting them plague my mind with their toxicity. It has gone on long enough. By the time they come up with a strategic “plan” at the rate their going, there will be nothing to save. The revolution isn’t possible playing by THEIR rules. Their, as in the capitalists.
Empower the people, don’t create more fear. Freakin fear mongers! Just as freakin bad as the Info Wars and Alex Jones.
I have an aunt that is an activist up north, and she behaves nowhere near the way these people do. Kudos to her.
Anyways, I’m not really much of a people person lately, heck, tonight was the New School of Colour, and I really didn’t feel like surrounding myself with people. The more I try to interact, the more disappointed I become in humanity. I don’t believe in the system. I don’t believe in their god. I don’t believe in the people, or their revolution. I don’t believe in you. What happens to a person that has nothing to believe in?
Perhaps the absence of my children doesn’t help. But if I can make it through the Christmas Holidays and New Years ( 2 weeks) without a single visit, then I can get through the rest of this month. 19 more days to go.
Maybe I’m not an activist. Maybe I’m just a shit disturber. I don’t know. I think I’ll just stick to my writing and art.
As I said before, activism online is just people arguing about who knows more than the other person. So it’s complete bullshit, with no progress. People only listen to respond, not to understand different perspectives, or where those different perspectives may be coming from. Just more Nazi “I’m right, you’re wrong” bullshit. So yeah, so done with that shit. Not worth the ridicule of my thoughts. I think I respect myself more than to be constantly shit on like that. I think it is time to get myself away from all that, and clear my head. It’s done enough damage. So yeah… “Byebye Lol” – Pooks
“When negative feelings move upon you, reflect, and recognize the danger of feeding those feelings and keeping them alive.”- Bryan Mcgill
Yes I’m blogging again. Mainly because I am upset and pissed off.
Not that long ago, I went to check my bank account, so I can at least try to budget for my visits with my kids. But no no no, apparently I’m slapped in the face with more bullshit. If someone is not asking for more money, someone is helping themselves to the money in my bank account directly and leaving me with practically nothing.
I am referring to the National Student Loan Centre. Yes, thanks to them I was forced to e-mail Merrymount and cancel the remainder of my visits with my children for the rest of the month because I can no longer afford food or transportation. Since they only left me with $23.00, I decided to say fuck it. They blew it for me this month, and I might as well just blow the rest, I’m not going to be able to stretch that. Ya know? I am pissed. Thanks a fuckin lot.
Sure there are food banks and soup kitchens, but my son specifically requested not to take him to a soup kitchen again, and surround him with “hobo’s“. So that option is out. I try to tell my son not to be so bias towards homeless people, and to stop calling them “hobo’s”. I mean, both his father and I are on welfare, were not much higher in this supposed social status bullshit. We’re basically looked down upon on the same freakin level, but he’s a kid, and doesn’t quite understand that. I try to tell him they are people too.
I took my kids to a church dinner once. It was a breakfast at All Saints Cathedral. If I didn’t, they would have missed a meal, and I try my best to at least feed them 2 lunches, 1 dinner, and 1 breakfast during their stay over. Had I not taken to that meal, they would have gone hungry for about 4 hours.
So if soup kitchens are out of the question, and Food Banks only give me food for one person, because I don’t have joint custody, and the kids names are not on my OW stub. I’m kinda screwed. I can fend for myself, but I don’t really think there is any other choice but to cancel the remainder of my visits for February. I’d hate to have to do it. I know my kids will be upset, they will miss me, and I will miss them.
Earlier this evening I was taking pictures of myself on my daughters camera holding a piece of paper saying “I love you.” I was looking forward to surprising her with that the next time she played with her camera. But I guess that surprise will have to wait until March.
I hate your monetary fuckin fascist system. Let’s steal from the poor! I hope one day soon the people will rise up and burn your world to the fuckin ground! Burn the banks. Burn the places they work if they have to, if that’s what it takes to destroy this illusion. I hope it all burns! The schools, the churches, the political buildings, government buildings, police stations, RCMP buildings, and whatever else it fuckin takes in order tear this shit down.
Some foolish activists think they can overcome this system with peace and love. No you idiots! Peace is the goal, not the solution. The freakin capitalists are laughing at your lame peaceful attempts that don’t do shit. If we want something new. Then we need to destroy what’s already there, in order to create and become what we are truly capable of. But people don’t get that. Yeah, we will need to embrace some chaotic, dark times, in order to get to the light we envision. Yeah, people will have to mentally let go of all the rules and barriers, let the world become their playground and destroy this prison. Set themselves free. But like I said, not everyone can see that.
Heck, I got into a dispute yesterday with some activists on FB for sticking up for a favorite fictional character of mine, Harley Quinn. Minus the abuse between her and the Joker, I love how they just run a muck in the city. They are not controlled by a system, they have no strings holding them back. Not to mention, I believe the Joker burning a huge stack of money sent a powerful message to activists. That imagery was a massive eye opener. Why do you think the Joker is so popular?
Anyways, apparently because I said “don’t diss Harley Quinn” ( on her post bitching about 50 Shades of Grey) , this blond, blue eyed wannabe Aniishaanabe (that itself is a fuckin joke, and kind of insulting. Why isn’t INM making a stink about that? I mean, if costumes are offensive, why isn’t this wannabe offensive?) activist accused me of criticizing her. But then again, anyone with a different opinion that is not her own, she labels as “You people” “One of them”, If you don’t agree with her, you’re an enemy kind of bullshit. So I said that with that kind of attitude, her little FB revolution won’t get anywhere. I mean, if she’s gonna label, categorize, and draw imaginary lines between people, you might as well be a fuckin Capitalist. Just saying. So no. I don’t believe in her when she tries to portray herself as some kind of leader, or prophet that will lead the people to “freedom”. I mean, she can’t even communicate effectively. How do you expect to lead people if you can’t communicate? Instead, she tried to wait until I was gone. She waited a good 10 minutes, and when she thought the coast was clear, she tried to speak about me behind my back to her audience making herself look victimized. Trying to say I was criticizing HER, when really, I said don’t diss Harley Quinn. Which I don’t believe that is at all criticizing to her. Dumb ass. Then she lets someone else fight her battle for her. Yeah, total Harper move there. So yeah, I don’t know who the fuck she’s kidding, but it ain’t me. What a crock of shit. Can you say delusional?! I mean, she has it in her head that shes Daenerys of Game of Thrones. Haha! You wish. Not even close. I don’t think Daenerys whines and bitches as much as she does. Let alone plays victim whenever someone has an opposing opinion. Revolution my ass. Leader my ass. Clearly her ego took over, and yeah she’s no better than what we fight against. So yeah, fail! That’s the way I see it, drawing those imaginary lines separating people, turning on her own. Yeah bravo! You turned into your own enemy.
“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster.” – Friedrich Nietzsche.
Anyways, I decided to delete and block her toxic ass from my FB. Suddenly my timeline is a lot more peaceful without her negativity. She was just a troll anyways that thinks I won’t notice that she gets some material from here to turn into a status to criticize. I mean that’s how our whole dispute started, I asked her if there is anything she doesn’t criticize with my defense for Harley Quinn. Ahem, those that don’t know, huge jester fan here. And of coarse she listed stuff off, Blah, blah, blah, all that is good…making herself out to be some kind of saint. Yeah. Bullshit. I don’t believe anyone is a fuckin saint, nice try though.
So yeah, more dampers on my faith in humanity and the revolution. Unless people grow some balls and burn shit down, enjoy your never ending slavery.
Apparently the beginning of the years bumpy road has not ended yet. So excuse me if I just feel like saying FUCK YOU ALL – Pooks
“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”
– Terrence McKenna
I had posted a blog post, but apparently it vanished. So lets try this again, shall we?! I know I said I didn’t feel like writing it all over again, but I am stubborn. I was pointing out some hypocrisy.
Anyway, last week during that whole #BellLetsTalk ordeal, I noticed a tweet from Western University that just made me want to crack up laughing.
It’s hypocritical because here they are supposedly “supporting” those with mental health problems, yet that’s the exact reason I was given the boot from this University, because of my “mental health.” Supposedly it was “too late” to go see a psychologist when I did.
Anyways, I posted on FB about this, I said:
They only care because it’s a trend. It’s always about what other people will think. An image to maintain. Pathetic.
It is sad when people only “support” the mentally ill for a pat on the back, for social approval, or a gold star. So excuse me if I don’t believe in their concern, and I believe it’s staged for an audience. It’s false empathy.
Then I went on to talking about my own mental health…and other stuff….
As for my mental health, I’m doing wonders when I am not being pressured into what’s unnatural. Pressured into conformity. Without the pressure to be like everybody else, I’m fabulous! No anxiety, no panic attacks. It’s been awhile.
Conformity is the mental health problem. Your minds have been fucked with, which goes way back to childhood and all the “organizations/ social institutions” ( Education, Religion, Political Systems, Economy, and Family. Yes, families are considered an organization as well. We are to raise our children to be obedient slave workers. Forget love, it’s all about business for the system. Non- conformists raise a “red-flag” because they are a threat to the system. They can change things. No no no, don’t want that. Especially your elitists, they like the way things are.)
So the way I see it now, is that I’m not the one with the problem. They are, and they are many. They are just too brain washed to see it.
This looks like a good spot to take a break, and share a video by Morgue.
When it comes to these people and they want to label and stigmatize you, it’s like they’re saying; “You’re not like me, there’s something wrong with you.” Ummm…seriously? I’m not meant to be your replica. I know that, why don’t you?
Now I’m not saying that I am 100% cured now. That’s not the case. I’m sure I still have some issues that will randomly pop up due to a life time of abuse. That is bound to have some side effects. Such as trust issues. I rarely open up to people, and often regret doing so. People are cruel.
I have anxiety and depression. I still need to overcome my anxiety when it comes to being assertive and confronting people. That is a trigger. Although, according to my Leads worker, whom has given me examples of when I was assertive, and done okay, I guess I am getting better, and this is not permanent after all. The only barrier is in my mind. Kinda like everybody else in this insane world. I mean how many times do we need to have an oil spill, or a pipe explosion in order to realize that we need to try something else?
As for my depression, it comes and goes. I do get depressed during those gaps between visits with my children. But I think any loving parent would if they had to wait to see their child again. So yeah, sometimes I just want to sleep the days away until I see them again.
Reading the news, it’s often bad news, so that can get depressing. Oppression is everywhere, and we are trapped in this prison. I wish others would just wake up already! The ignorance, and the conscience ignorance can get very frustrating. Many activists desperately try to get the message across. But many of the people just choose to ignore and continue on with their insanity. So yeah, there are times where it does feel utterly hopeless. But for some strange reason we dust ourselves off, and keep trying.
Discrimination for many different reasons ( being native, being a woman, poverty, mental health, being a survivor of abuse, etc etc…) can put a damper on a persons self-esteem, and cause depression. Heck, I don’t believe I’ll get a job in this city because of my brown skin. So in a way, I kind of gave up on that, and put more focus on my art. I’m a lot happier that way, than trying to be something I’m not.
In my original post that vanished into thin air… I kinda ranted about my ex. Regarding my trust issues. How lying for him is not worth it, and I took a personal vow to be more honest. My honesty now often gets me into a lot of shit. But whatever, it’s better than lying. Let alone lying to cover up someone else’s bullshit, just to get stabbed in the back. I think any woman in my position would not take him back. So yeah, he’s pretty fuckin dumb to think that is even possible. Especially since we’ve separated, I just go through more verbal abuse from him. He has stalked me online here for 5 years to get his material to talk shit. Saying I’m a witch, I’m dating a gay guy that wears lipstick ( I believe he got that from my Me v.s Me duality pic), so on and so forth. Who in their right mind would take that back?? I don’t think so.
So yeah, due to his online stalking, I was going to take a vacation from this blog, but I decided to say fuck it! I have some thoughts that need to be shared! Even if he can’t keep his nose out of my business, and has this crazy thought that he can still live through me. Umm..no! That door has been closed a long time ago!
For anyone that doesn’t really know the background of that relationship, it was a lot of abuse and bullshit. That pretty much sums it up.
So on top of my own mental health issues, I got to deal with his unstable mental ass as well. If I could, I’d rather not.
He’s not the only abuser. There are others before him that I clearly will experience side effects from as well.
But thanks to all that bullshit, and trauma, I have become more sensitive to the energy around me, and I’ve become extremely empathetic. It’s a gift, a painful gift to bear, but still a rare gift.
Not only that, but it has taught me to respect myself, that I deserve respect and to be treated better than the way any of my abusers have treated me. So I am intolerant to abuse, and disrespect. I use the power and control wheel to protect myself. If anyone displays any of those behaviors, yeah, bye!
It’s too bad more people in this world don’t do that, because then they’d realize that they too are being abused by their elitists, their leaders, the 1%. Through the years I’ve learned that abuse isn’t just a personal problem of mine, it’s a global issue. Thanks to media, for numbing us to violence, we tend to think it’s normal and okay. This is the way it’s meant to be, but it’s not. – Pooks
“Our society tends to regard as a sickness any mode of thought or behavior that is inconvenient for the system and this is plausible because when an individual doesn’t fit into the system it causes pain to the individual as well as problems for the system.”
– Theodore Kaczynski
I don’t really have much to share this week. Just some thoughts here and there, I don’t know. Maybe they will add up. We’ll see.
I had a good visit over the weekend with my children. My daughter and I get artsy a lot. I guess I feel it is important as a parent to encourage her creativity. I mean, she told me that she’s the only student that takes interest in art in her class. The only artist. That is saddening. So I feel that it is my role to keep her inspired, and creating art so that this fucked up system doesn’t rob her of that, and try to direct her else where, when her passion is in art.
I think it’s cute that she takes pride in being a “weirdo” like mommy. She has that fearlessness to be silly, and just be herself. She calls me her star. So that’s pretty cool that I am making such a huge impact on this little person. I’m inspiring her.
For the last couple of weeks, my kids keep asking me if I’m famous. Haha! I joke around and answer, “Yeah, everybody knows me!” Other times I answer with; “I am known as Pooks the artist and writer.” I wouldn’t call it fame though. I’m not rich and glamorous. Heck, I write this blog for free. As for my art, I do sell some pieces, but not enough to make a living. A portion of what I make is to give back to the Ark Aid Street Mission & the New School of Colour, or I donate my art to fundraisers. The goal is leave my mark, to create a ripple effect. A message. To be remembered after I’m gone, and to hopefully make some kind of difference in this fucked up world. It’s not about money.
Speaking of money, I got a notice from my co-op that I owe $40. Ugh! Money money money. People are always asking for more money. It’s annoying. Especially when realistically there isn’t enough floating around physically, and yet, people always want more. No matter what, you’re in debt. We’re all fucked, yet we keep supporting this stupid system. As for my co-op, they fear the co-op has maybe 8 years or so before the government fucks us over. If you were really that concerned, you’d get involved with the community that is fighting against Capitalism. Heck, there was an event held yesterday at the Aeolian Hall specifically about Co-Ops and Capitalism. How much you want to bet that no member of this co-op even went to this event? Even when their head office is plunked in a community that is trying very hard to make some positive changes. I was considering it, but the time collided with the New School of Colour, and this sensitive little empathetic peach needs her art time damn it! So given a choice, art will always win with me. It heals, empowers, and gives me a voice in a very symbolic way. People tend to understand symbols better than they do each-other when it comes to communication. Art is power, thank the University for showing me that.
So yeah, no idea what I owe arrears for. But I’ll eventually take care of it. Just not really in a social mood, especially regarding something as utterly ridiculous as money. I’ll take care of it when I’m motivated, but right now I just think it’s stupid. It’s all bullshit. You people are silly.
There’s more important things to be concerned about. Which reminds me about this goal setting thing at Leads for our next module. It’s like I’m expected to want money. Want to make money. Make more money. Why? I hate it. My goals aren’t the same as the average person. There is a deeper meaning, a deeper purpose. I’m expected to be selfish. Yet I’m the kind of person that asks for fuck all. But I’m supposed to want to buy and consume. Love material things.
I guess you can say I give up trying to fit in a system that doesn’t want me in it to begin with. An annishanaabe woman is considered “inferior” in this world, so why the fuck should I try to cooperate? I mean, no one in this city freakin hires me anyways. Not to mention, we just keep losing more and more jobs, that doesn’t really help. So I might as well just do my own thing. Let me be, and stop pressuring me to be something I’m not. To conform into a system that thinks I’m not worthy. No thanks. I see why a lot of natives often just create their own jobs, and businesses. Following the herd is just unrealistic.
Anyways, I was thinking that maybe I should go on hiatus for awhile from this blog. There are trolls that just follow to criticize, not to mention, my obsessive ex that just won’t fuck off. He still stalks me here, and I’m quite tired of it. I don’t know what I have to say or do for him to get the point that Caski and Pooks are over. I mean, during my visits my kids will mention things from this blog, that they normally wouldn’t know had it not be for this blog, and their father stalking me online. We have been separated since 2009/2010. My life is none of his business anymore.
I don’t know. We’ll see how if I feel like writing next week or not. But lately, I feel less and less like writing. Maybe I just need a vacation from my blog, and live a little more privately. – Pooks
“To be left alone is the most precious thing one can ask of the modern world.”- Anthony Burgess