Because you’re Native

So I was going through the documents my doctor gave me, to give to the hospital in case I pop early.

Needless to say that I am not impressed with the way they worded things. Such as “denies” substance abuse in current pregnancy??? Wtf? I don’t do drugs period, besides the antibiotics they shove down throat. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I kicked that to the curb without a problem when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. 10- 11 YEARS AGO!!! I don’t do fuckin drugs period. Ughhhhhhhh….

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It also says to monitor me for any indications to involve them (C.A.S) in current pregnancy.

A) The reason CAS got involved in the first place was because a doctor accused me of being on crack when I actually had mastitis. And rather then doing their job, Dr. Lee settled for his assumption.

B) CAS remained involved because of MY EX and the domestic abuse. But yeah, CAS, specifically Lara Downing, fucked up on that one, and thinks it’s safer to have my children with the man that assaulted their mother, than their mother. Make any sense?? Oh that’s right, I opened up with the truth that my ex was in my home when he wasn’t supposed to be due to a restraining order. I guess that would have been too much work for her to have to start from scratch. But what does she expect from a domestic abuse case? Yeah, I was lying on his behalf. Because he supposedly loved me, and was the only person that cared for me. Everybody else was just trying to tear our family apart. That’s the kind of shit a victim of abuse gets brainwashed with. Anyways,  out of spite, this lazy immature worker did everything in her power to have my kids placed with my ex. Congrats! She succeeded, and now schools wonder why they have so many problems with my eldest son. Smh. Oh yeah, and since my ex was around when he wasn’t supposed to be, that whole cleanliness bullshit that got pinned on me only, that’s on him too. That’s the fuckin truth.

Society and all these organizations are fuckin retarded!
Correction. Not retarded. That’s not the word. I know some peeps may find that word offensive. But yeah… perhaps bias, prejudice, racist, ignorant, so on and so forth, are better words to use.

Heck! Even my biological cousin shares this perspective from her own experience. She said: ” Automatic substance abuser. Because you’re native. I get labeled immediately as well, even when I was pregnant.”

So yeah. Welcome to the life of a native. Isn’t that fuckin bullshit or what?

Not all natives are substance abusers. Many of my generation learned by the example of our elders. Not all of them. But yeah, there are those trying to drown their traumatic experiences from Residential Schools. The torture and genocide of our people and culture. Sure those times may be over, not entirely obviously, but clearly our elders still suffer internally from those memories. I imagine it would be like how a soldier would suffer PTSD after returning from war. People having to live with seeing or experiencing inhumane shit that is to be kept “confidential.”

Anyways… that’s enough for this post. I will post another regarding other aspects of my life, either later on today or in the week. Thank you for reading my occasional rant. Peace and love – Pooks

“…racist thought and action says far more about the person they come from than the person they are directed at.”

– Chris Crutcher

Fuck your Judgement

Hi.
To be honest, I  have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.

The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.

I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts,  good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.

However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.

I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
http://http://www.stylepinner.com/people-feeling-sorry-for-themselves/cGVvcGxlLWZlZWxpbmctc29ycnktZm9yLXRoZW1zZWx2ZXM/
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.

Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves.  I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.

Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.

So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.

Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks

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“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”

– Shannon L. Alder

Fully Exposed

Go ahead. Say it's slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and use of composition

Go ahead. Say it’s slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and the use of composition

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can't wait til he's older so he can put an axe in his head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can’t wait til he’s older so he can put an axe in his father’s head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything.

As you can see I have been using art as an outlet. But now I lift the curtain, so to speak. If I get accused of slander, so be it. I hope so. By all means put the spotlight right on my blog, this situation could use more attention obviously. Especially as a highlight of the psychological abuse I have to tolerate when my ex plays with my access when it comes to my children, as if it were a yo-yo.

Hmmm… what else can be highlighted? Obviously the verbal abuse. My ex constantly putting my son down to the point my son no longer feels good about himself. Even his weight get’s mocked because my ex doesn’t like “fat people”. I’ve seen this before, with my own foster parents. My dad never used to be as big, but he constantly had his wife at the time putting him down. Kind of hard to be confident if someone is there to constantly criticize you. My dad turned to t.v and junkfood. My son, he’s turned to videogames and food. Videogames to ignore and shut out the world, and food for comfort. Sometimes he eats to the point he pukes. Not very healthy there, now is it?

Our son calls his dad a goof, a douche, says he’s stupid, dumb and annoying. Where could he be getting it from? Why is there so much anger towards his father? My ex says from school, from friends…but that’s what he does, points the finger everywhere else but at himself. From my visits, I witnessed my ex calling my son names. Even called our son Hitler at the dinner table. They bicker back and forth, and when my son say’s he cannot wait to grow up and put an axe in his fathers head, his father encourages this and says he looks forward to the physical altercation.

There is obviously favoritism, my ex favors our daughter over our son and treats our daughter very differently than our son. As I’ve mentioned before, he is more gentle. His tone of voice is even more gentle. Yet, with our son, there is no hesitation to yell at him and threaten him constantly. No wonder our son has anxiety. He is living in constant fear thanks to his father who thinks fear is the appropriate way to discipline the children.

The reason C.A.S let my ex take our children away from me was due to “cleanliness”. Note, I was cleaning up after his filthy ass without C.A.S even knowing of it, and yeah, gave up. Clean up your own filth. But if they saw his home now, his kitchen…it’s no wonder they were all sick not that long ago. Can’t touch anything in that room, or even the table they eat at, without getting some kind of sticky residue on you. I was constantly washing my hands while I was there for visits. Can you say health hazard? I mean, London Housing even warned him about the mess, did he do anything? No. It’s still a mess. Because he doesn’t do anything. The kids are just an extra pay cheque to him, more weed.

He keeps bouncing the kids from school to school, even if our son was finally doing well. Figures, they adjust to the changes, and just like that, their dad goes and disrupts that because he feels threatened by the school…again. At Wilton Grove, the school board was getting suspicious regarding our sons aggressive behavior. I was in question, although I think that assumption deteriorated once I showed up to the meeting and they met me in person…My ex was in question, and bam! The kids get pulled out of that school and placed into the Catholic School next door. He runs as soon as anyone suspects anything.

So, At the Catholic School next door to Wilton Grove, they were going to call the police because my ex wasn’t bringing in our children to school, and not notifying them with any reason of absence. The truth is, he’s lazy and sleeps in. Can’t blame the kids, they actually get up pretty early, and our daughter is the first to wake up. But of coarse, he can’t admit that. He’s a freakin godsend according to his ego. So instead of facing the school, the problem, he takes it as a personal threat, regardless if our children are doing well in that school, and pulls them out of that school to home-school instead. Hence why I wasn’t pleased with that decision, because it wasn’t based on our children at all, it was entirely selfish and based on himself…as usual.

He keeps running into problems with organizations within society, such as the schools, they aren’t stupid. Clearly they can see something is up.

Why don’t I report him to C.A.S? Haha! They made it more than obvious that they will not listen to any of my concerns. I mean, even our son knows the situation is messed up, he flat out asked me if I was assaulted by their father ( In December 2008), why are they ( him and his sister) living with their dad? Well son, our society is racist and since mommy is coloured, they will disregard the assault, and any other concerns regarding your father.

My ex is wishy-washy, and unstable. He can go from “we’re friends” to “we’re enemies” in an instant. Hence why I call him a schizophrenic. Funny how that health record stating he was a borderline schizophrenic miraculously disappeared. How convenient. Let’s focus on his edginess. It goes beyond anxiety. It’s paranoia. He walks around with things he can use as weapons, hidden in/or under his coat. There’s a sharp piece of metal he bent, he said it can poke out someones eyes. Around his neck, under his coat is a wire, which is intended for strangulation “if anyone decides to jump him” ( “it’s more clean & not as messy”) . In his home, he has a golf club ( he doesn’t play golf, and he said it would make a great weapon if it were to be used on someones head), a crowbar, and a samurai sword hidden in the rafters of his basement. Our daughter mentioned her fear of the sword, but was told that it is no longer in the house. But I was shown otherwise. Supposedly that was supposed to assure me of their safety. With the way he treats our son and I, I don’t see those as weapons of “safety” and defense. If anything, a red flag.

I seem to be blogging a lot lately, and using as many creative outlets as possible. I will, until I no longer feel the need and it is all out of my system.

The text messages and phone calls… as I said before, he’s the one contacting me. I would rather not hear from him over the week, especially if it’s regarding nonsense, and not an emergency. The random text messages out of the blue regarding the pants, and threatening my access over 2 pairs of pants. Phone calls how some girl is starting some drama. No idea why he was telling me that, let alone what he expected me to do about it. His problems with other women isn’t any of my business. Nor do I care. As long as our kids are fine. Who the fuck cares?! Getting accused for stealing money from him and tampering with his propane tank. Wow. As I said before and made it very clear within this blog, I despise money, so why the fuck would I steal it? And I think I got better things to do than go around sneaking in his neighborhood putting our children in danger. Seriously? That’s fuckin lame and ridiculous. Ya know? His mind is so far gone, I don’t even think he knows what’s real and unreal anymore. He’s somewhere else, it certainly isn’t here.

Anyway, what else? whomever he suspects is stealing from him, it shifts, TO THE PEOPLE HE LETS INTO HIS HOME! That makes more sense. The people he surrounds himself with are questionable. I never feel safe around his crowd. Addicts, Junkies, Alcoholics, petty thieves, hookers, criminal types. As long as you have weed, he’s your friend. I don’t even think he knows the definition of friendship. It seems to be based on people using people for something in return.

I’ve gotten text messages regarding if I have a printer… The only thing remotely close to an emergency  regarding our children, via text messages or phone calls, was that he pulled our kids out of school. Turns out, that doesn’t really have anything to do with our kids, now does it?

During one of the visits he confessed that there is something about me that stresses him out. That has to do with me and my past of self mutilation. I don’t do that anymore, haven’t for years. He says he’s afraid to hurt my feelings. Haha! That changed rather quickly, he sure as hell isn’t afraid to use our children, and my access to hurt me if I so much as disagree with anything he says. Right, he’s so smart, he knows all. He’s so “godly”. Pssssh…. Get over yourself. If you want to talk about politics, religion, sociology, etc, expect and respect an opposite opinion. No 2 perspectives are the same. And anyone mature enough to converse of such things  would be open to someone that challenges their thinking capabilities. Kind of funny he got so anal considering he was the one that told me before there were no absolutes, yet he sure seems mighty sure of himself and his opinion. No no no! Can’t disagree with him. He’ll power-trip you if you do, and not let you and your kids do anything for the remainder of the visit, but stare at a screen. Then he’ll cut your access from your children. Sounds like a bitch to me.

He keeps telling me to pick a side, God or Satan. I choose neither. Not only do I think it’s all a fiction, a hoax to control the masses of people when it comes to Religion, the Bible, Jesus, and God. Hell and Satan were invented to induce fear. When people are scared, they are easier to control. That is how abuse works. But why pick sides? That’s the problem with this freakin world. There always has to be a side. What if there isn’t a side, and we can just be? Accepting each-other regardless of our differences. Bible thumpers cannot see that perspective for some fucked up reason. Too brain-washed I guess. It’s all about division, and judgement with them. I admit, I’ve been struggling with my faith. I barely believe that there is even a Creator.  As for the white mans religion, I sometimes think such things as how much it would make me laugh if their supposed god returned as a coloured woman. That would pop a lot of egos, and be highly amusing. But I doubt the return. And when I hear religious people babble on hallelujah, praise jesus! Amen! The power of Christ! He has returned! I think they are full of shit. They all come off as crazy to me. I’m sure when they hear my perspectives, they think I’m crazy as well. So yay! We’re even. Maybe your creator isn’t ever going to come back because it has been divided into each and every single living entity. Until there is unity, there is no “return” so to speak. No peace. No “heaven on earth”, because we’re too dumb and would rather continue to live as slaves in our own personal hell we created. It is what we make it. Isn’t that what we were supposedly given, free will? Let the Capitalist rule. See what happens when you put humans in charge when humans are not meant to lead. Let alone capable without corruption. That’s another way to look at it I guess. If you really go far back, as my ex claims he has, but obviously hasn’t. God= The Sun. The “giver of life”. You praise the damn sunshine you nut bars, and have been for centuries! It’s all astrology. And I am a reflection of light you imagined here, because yes, your mind is that freakin powerful. We all are, you just don’t believe it.

Anyway, my ex clearly trolls my blog, has been for years. I mean, seriously? He thinks he can suddenly sweet talk me with my interest in sociology? Dude, your ship has sailed a long time ago, and it isn’t ever going to come back. “You’re such a vampire.” Haha! Where else could you have gotten that idea of me, besides this blog where I given that analogy where I’m like a vampire. I don’t go anywhere, unless invited. And there’s been other numerous hints that yeah, he’s my number one troll. Get a life.

He says I’m not scary, but he’s sure afraid of my energy when I’m angry. That’s because I know how to use it. How to transform it. I’ve been sharing my story of us for years, and thanks to his B.S it is just ongoing. Why the fuck should I protect his face and name? I’ve lost all fucks given. He sure as hell doesn’t hesitate to bring my name up numerous times. Now we’re equal. Balanced so to speak. If you want to be the negative impact in my life, I will write and draw it out. It will be recorded, and become history. He chose to be immortalized as the bitch, and the douche in our story with the never ending abuse. – Pooks

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”- Lundy Bancroft

More Flip-Flopping Bullshit

Blogging 4- 5 days early, thanks to my schizophrenic ex! Seriously, he’s loco! Fuckin guy goes from “we’re friends” to freakin enemies in less than a day. And quite honestly, I am sick of that shit. As I’ve said before, he’s worse than a girl. Well there’s a good example with all that emo flip-flopping bullshit. He’s on his own! Fuck him.

He took the kids out of school this week because he’s having problems with the school again. This time the Catholic School. He’s freaking out over the fact that they took pictures without his consent. Well I guess the government, or O.S.S.D, needs some kind of photo identification of some sort of all students filed. But not only that, they threatened to call the police on him for not bringing the kids to school. Well… don’t do that. Don’t threaten him, because he’s a coward that will do what he does. He’ll pick up and run. In this case, take the kids out of the Catholic School, and consider homeschooling them instead. Note, this has nothing to do with the kids. Matter of fact, they were doing well in school.  It’s only because the school threatened HIM. Not the first time that happened. The last school our kids were at, they were getting suspicious of the father regarding our son’s aggressive behavior, and what did he do? He took our kids out of the school, and placed them into the Catholic School. He’s running, the moment anyone has any hint or idea of what the heck is going on, he runs.

You want to know why my son was acting up so much at that public school?? Maybe it’s because he is constantly being verbally abused by his father. He get’s called every name in the book. So of coarse he does not feel good about himself, and he takes it out on others. It’s a cycle. Yes, he needs to learn another form of release. A healthier way to cope. Although the best solution would be to take him right out of that environment, ahem, the home he is currently in. But no, let’s keep him there. And no matter how much I try to boost my son’s self-esteem, he doesn’t believe me. He says, “I don’t believe you. My Dad says I’m a prick.” Last weekend I showed him a picture of himself as a baby, and said he was adorable. That was the response I got, the one where he got called a prick by his father.

I mean, it’s not like he works. He does fuck all all day. Let alone clean his house for that matter (his kitchen is disgusting btw). London Housing did an inspection not too long ago, and warned him about the mess, and yeah, still a pig stye. He’s lazy. And he doesn’t have to do much. Get the kids to school?! That’s pretty freakin simple. All the other parents in the ghetto can do it. But no, not my ex. They’re always late, or they don’t show up at all.  Hence why the school was going to call the police. He didn’t get them into school before 1pm, let alone at all that day, and didn’t notify the school  with any reason of absence. Although sleeping in probably isn’t a good reason.

So he was thinking of home schooling, and suddenly wanted to take this big leap of trust in me out of the blue. Asking me to help educate our children when it comes to that decision. Saying I could get more access if I do. Of coarse I’m gonna be thinking wtf? He was accusing me of stealing shit, and didn’t want me on his property not too long ago. I respected that. But now suddenly he wants to supposedly “trust” me, and he’s all buddy buddy inviting me over for Thanksgiving and even invited me to sleep on the couch.I went along with it. Thinking, ya know? He probably thinks we’ll get back together, and yeah, I’m gonna disappoint him once again, because we’re not. My mind is flat out clear on that.

Anywho, this evening, I get to his place to visit the kids, and he thinks he can babble my ear off about sociology, the government, illuminati, ebola…jesus and shit etc,. No, I’m there to visit the kids, and matter of fact, they hate it when their father babbles on and on trying to take my attention from them. We did bicker a little about Jesus. Two different points of views. He’s a believer, I’m not. I don’t appreciate when someone tries to push their opinion on me, and yeah, I said ENOUGH! I’m not there to debate and argue. I’m there for the kids. But yeah, since when does he ever really think of them? Anyway, he was pretty sour for the rest of the evening.

During the whole visit, we weren’t allowed to do anything but stare at my ex’s flat screen t.v without him getting pissed off about it. I mean, even our son tried to play quietly with his toys, but no, my ex didn’t like the noise he was making. Okay Hitler! Apparently were not allowed to do shit. Our son asked if we could play outside, nope. That wasn’t allowed either. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed inside. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed outside. No tag. No running. No nothing.

He sent them up for their bath-time, and said I had to go. I was basically getting kicked out. Unusual because before he used to let me stay until the kids went to bed. Heck, last weekend, I was helping out with homework. Not this time. And I questioned his behavior, mentioned that he seemed kind of grumpy. He denied it, and I pointed out the tone of his voice and body language. He just said bye, and shut the door on my face. But sure enough, like the coward he is, he waits til I’m gone and sends a text message stating that he was ease-dropping on a conversation I had with my son. Yeah I said he was a grouch. My son mistook the word grouch for douche, and I said “yeah, his dad can be sometimes.” I was actually putting that pretty lightly considering. Anyone who knows me, him, this situation, or anyone who has been following my journey, would more than likely agree; He’s a full out douche bag.

I go through a lot of shit with that guy. A lot of unpleasant shit. Unnecessary shit. Too much shit.

I don’t care if he supposedly recorded my conversation. Good. I hope he listens to it over and over again, because it’s the truth. He’s a grouch, he’s lazy, and yeah I think he’s a douche. That’s pure honesty. I only put it lightly for our kids sake.

But whatever. He said it would be better off if we did pick ups and drop offs at Merrymount, that is if I’m still interested in the visits, they’ll be in touch. Taking those steps backwards again. Not only that, but he even texted me telling ME to not text or phone him anymore. Umm.. what?? He’s the one that’s been contacting me all week. Pointless text messages and phone calls about a printer, or a hooker harassing him, or people stealing things from his house, etc. Look at the crowd you surround yourself with! It hasn’t changed. Still addicts only interested in their next fix. Of coarse they’re going to steal from you. Ugh! Besides, I’d rather only have contact when necessary. I don’t want to hear from him during the week if it’s not an emergency regarding our children.I believe I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s not like he ever listens anyone.

So yeah, more flip flopping bullshit from my schizophrenic ex. My kids shouldn’t be in that environment with him, but they are.

One day, our kids will be old enough to make their own decision of where they want to be, and I doubt they will want to stay with him. It doesn’t really look like they enjoy it there. Especially if they are not allowed to play. Let alone have a parent put time aside to play WITH them.

Although, if things keep going the way they’re going, with the schools and whatnot, they’ll catch on soon enough. Or someone will. And he’ll lose the kids by his own doing. I’m not helping him no more. He’s on his own. If he loses the kids, he loses them. And I will fight whoever comes next for my access, wither it be C.A.S or a family placement. I have every right to see my kids. My ex is just being a power-tripping douche. Ya know? I tend to think if my ex loses our kids, so do I. But that’s not entirely true. I don’t know that. If he does lose our children, it could mean opportunity.

Thank you C.A.S, for putting my kids in such a horrible home. You gave him quite the ego boost. Freakin guy thinks he’s invisible and untouchable now.

Smh. This evening while watching t.v, he said he didn’t like selfish people that only think of themselves. I don’t think he has taken a real good look at himself within these last few years. But then again, he is probably too cowardly to do so. Heaven forbid his ego was a lie. – Pooks

“Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.” – Bonnie Myotai Treace

"You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar." - Pooks

“You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar. This blog is my sword of truth.” – Pooks

Into the Vault, Where it Belongs (Part 2)

I had a good weekend with my daughter, my son was gone to a birthday sleepover. Anyway, we were pretending all her little stuffed animals were going to school, and she was the teacher. She would give prizes to whatever stuffy drew the best (drawn by moi) on the sticky notes she handed out. It was cute.

What else did we do? We took turns playing a game on the computer, which was kinda like Pac-Man, but an Amazing World of Gumball Version called Haunted House Prank.

We visited two cats down the street again. My daughter likes to visit them when they’re outside, and pets them. We discovered that they are both males, they’re brothers. The orange, beige one is very cuddly.

We went to McMahen Park. I was surprised she picked that park to go to, because it’s not the closest. We’d have to catch a bus, and we did. At the bus stop we played tag and hide n’ seek. She likes the plastic little blue whale at McMahen Park, and the other park equipment it has that she can climb on. I pushed her on a swing. We played tag. We rolled around in the empty blue pool trying to bump into each-other. We even buried her feet, and made her funny fat shoes out of sand.

We saw a rainbow and went on a hunt for the end of the rainbow through the Old East Village. I knew we wouldn’t find it, but it was fun to go on an adventure with my daughter anyways. We got distracted by the gardens within the neighborhood. Since my daughter wanted to pick flowers, I was knocking on doors, or ringing doorbells asking people in the neighborhood if we could pick their flowers. The people were nice, no one said no, and my daughter made herself a pretty bouquet to bring back to my place.

Anyway, when I picked her up on Saturday, my daughters father asked our daughter to call her before bed. So I got her all tucked in and made the phone call that night, which didn’t go as I expected. I thought she’d say “I love you, Good night.” Nope. Instead she said to her father; “I hate you Dad.” Yikes! I’m sure that’s gonna somehow be my fault.

I mean, my ex already blames my son’s behavior on me. He says it only happens when I’m around,  where our son will say “I hate you” to his father, or he calls his dad a goof, a retard, and says he can’t wait until he’s older so he can put an axe in his fathers head. Clearly I’m not the problem here.

I mean, I don’t speak a word about their father during the visits. I got better things to do, obviously. Like enjoy and spend times with my freakin kids! Actually PLAY with them, while they’re still young. They’re not gonna be young forever. I might as well embrace the time where they actually want to play with a parent. I mean, our son is getting pretty damn close to being a pre-teen, and soon he’ll have his own hobbies, he’ll be “too cool” to play with mom or dad, his friends will be what’s cool. I mean, my ex  thinks it’s not his job to entertain the kids, so he doesn’t even play with them. Wow, Does he ever take this time for granted. I enjoy the play-time, I could be a stuffed teddy bear going to school, a customer at our son and daughters fast- food drive in, snow banks could be points of safety from the lava, cracks in the sidewalks could be laser beams, so on and so forth. You never know where a kids imagination will take you. It’s a new adventure every time.

Anyway, when my ex came to pick up our daughter, she didn’t want to leave, and our son started the whole name calling thing again towards his father. I told him to stop, and said that that was verbal abuse. Although, my son probably experiences a lot of verbal abuse from my ex back at their home. Not that he’ll ever admit it. I mean, our son’s gotta get it from somewhere, and why is he so angry at his father?!

Aside from that, my ex was picking up our daughter. He says to me that things are going to change “for their safety.” Meaning, my access. Supposedly someone broke into his home and stole his money, and tampered with his barbeque tank so that it was leaking propane. Once again, must be my fault. Although, where he lives, he lives in low income complexes. A neighborhood where he can’t even have a tarp in his backyard without it being stolen.

You want to talk about safety?! I think the only one feeling threatened by me is my ex because I express the truth! I guess I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut if I’m being psychologically abused. Whoops!

I’m sorry, but if I want to get all this negativity out of my system, I write, I paint, and yes, I freakin share it. That’s what I do. I take that negative energy and turn it into something else.

So clearly he still stalks this blog, because he’s got nothing better to do than troll on his ex-girlfriend, whom he’s been separated from for FOUR YEARS!!! Yeah, someones got issues.

Anyway, the whole ordeal over a pair of clothes? That was a wake up call, not to let my guard down and to expect that he will use our kids to power trip if he doesn’t get his way, or doesn’t like something I say. He’s a power thirsty, controlling little bitch. Bravo! You’re a bigger bitch than any woman I know. One of those guys that thinks he has to be an utter asshole to be “manly”. Umm.. yeah, news flash! Women don’t find that attractive.

There’s already been some changes, he won’t let me into his home, and I won’t let him into mine. Fine by me. It was like 2 steps forward, 5 steps back. That’s his own damn fault. Of coarse, he won’t admit it, he’s too busy pointing fingers everywhere else, that’s what he does. It could take years before he man’s up and takes responsibility for his actions.

It’s not my fault he’s miserable, and doesn’t want to do anything about it. All these supposed things he says about opening a spa business with a friend, or whatever. Through the years, I’ve learned that it’s  all talk. He isn’t gonna do shit.

As far as I’ve known him, he’s never been happy. He thinks if he moves he’ll be happier. HA! He’s bounced all over the place from apartment, to townhouse, to townhouse, and you know what? Location isn’t the issue. His problem is internal.

So whatever, he’s being kinda psychotic lately. Hopefully that doesn’t effect my access with my kids. Although he did offer to go swimming with him and the kids. But I don’t think I’m comfortable being around an ex-boyfriend in a bathing suit. I dunno, I kinda feel too exposed, and the last thing I want is an ex looking at me like I’m a chunk of meat. No thanks. The way he’s been acting lately, I’m better off just waiting for the days I have my visits, keeping as much distance between my ex and I. See you in 5 or 6 days, depending on the week. Until then, only text me  with shit that actually matters. Like a meeting at the school, or an emergency. Material things don’t qualify.

I mean, I have always been pretty good when it comes to returning the kids clothes. Turns out he had the grey pair of pants. The pink pair of pants were here. It didn’t make it into the laundry pile apparently. It’s not like I wouldn’t have returned it the next time I see ya. Geez! I mean, our daughter left her socks at the park, and after I left my exes place one time, I returned to the park and picked them up. I brought them home, washed them, and returned them to my ex’s place the next time I saw them all. Ugh! Nothing like trying to parent with an over-reacting psycho.

Yeah, he did apologize for being rude, and for saying that my attitude sucked. He admitted it wasn’t that bad. That’s besides the point, if this taught me anything, is to not take his apologies literally. Why? Because he is still threatening to tamper with my access. You’re not really sorry if you’re gonna keep doing the same shit. He’s still being abusive. Yeah, using the kids as a tool to power-trip me is abuse. Not fair to me, not fair to the kids. Not like he really thinks of anyone else besides himself anyways.

I apologize to you readers. He is very toxic, and yeah, I have to vent, and vent, and vent, until I no longer feel the need to. This blog was pleasant, until he came into my thoughts. I mean, I should be out of the house, getting shit done, but no. I’m venting. If I didn’t, this would all be bottled up within, and I would be like boiling kettle, or a time-bomb waiting to go off.

Onto something else…It is currently Monday, and I will publish this Tuesday. I will save it as a draft, and write more later. It is time for me to get ready, and head out to the New School of Colour. Surround myself with people that actually appreciate me, love me for me, and bring out my best.

(Monday, September 22, 2014. 3:11pm)

To be Continued….

8:49pm, Monday evening. I’m back from painting at the New School of Colour for a bit. To my surprise,  our basement studio is getting a make-over. I was aware of it the week before, but never thought it would look so spacious. So far, it looks awesome. The craft stuff has been removed, the closet, and clutter from beneath the stairs have been removed…the walls have been re-painted. A fellow artist that is helping out with this make-over said to just wait until next time, they plan to even paint the floors.

It would seem as though that I have been assigned to work on a collaboration piece next week, along with Sarah, and Jeremy. That should be interesting. Normally my Ducky-Doo is my go-to person for distraction, my fellow peep to clown around with. Haha! This will be our first painting we work on together. I look forward to see how it turns out.

I should probably get my income statement into Ontario Works, before I get cut-off again. I’m just a bit distracted lately. I’ll try to get that in tomorrow. It’s just been challenging getting my ass out the door before business hours are over, wake up before 1pm, and take a shorter shower. If I can get it in right at 8:30 am, that would be great. But not likely. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to get my ass out the door and be apart of the world. Why try to fit in, and be a part of a system, or society, that only rejects you?  Seems kind of dumb to me.

I admit I’ve kinda felt hopeless there for awhile. I tweeted :Starting to think maybe u all deserve to suffer the fate of your stupidity. Trying to awaken u dumb-asses is a waste of time.

It gets frustrating trying to show you the obvious, and people just ignore and do the same shit over and over. We need to separate ourselves from this dependency on oil, move onto a less damaging energy resource, and if we abolished the idea of money all together, oil would lose it’s value. Soldiers lives wouldn’t be wasted on such stupidity. You would no longer be a slave, Capitalism would fall. But no, people continue to hop into their cars, go to their slave labor of a job, and pay the Capitalists for their (the proletarians) hard work. Make any sense? No, but that’s what people do anyways because they are fucking dumb, and Capitalists take advantage and exploit on that. They don’t give a fuck, they’re wining and dining in limos and fancy jets all thanks to your passiveness. They don’t really have to work, they can live off you, literally. Take what they value away from them, make oil and money invaluable. Don’t believe in that shit. It’s all illusions anyway. Just a big lie.

And if you really do give a shit for your kids, and their kids, and the following generations, then stop allowing the Capitalists to destroy the environment. Wouldn’t you like the younger generations to be able to drink the water without being poisoned? Wouldn’t you like them to enjoy nature without it being destroyed by fracking, pipelines, and oil spills? Or are you really that freakin selfish to even think of what we may be leaving behind for them? Not to mention, only the wealthy can eat healthy, while the working class and lower, their food get’s tampered with chemicals. Why are these bitch Capitalists so privileged? Because of money? Shit that shouldn’t even be considered more valuable than your oxygen, water, and food supply.

It angers me. Along with other bullshit in my life. But ya know…I’m pretty strong. I’m still here, for some fucked up reason. I bet if another person tried to go through what I have, they would have off’ed themselves a long time ago. This world keeps trying to conform me into their ways, without even considering or accepting that maybe I’m created this way for a reason. That’s a big problem these days, rather than trying to change each-other, try accepting each-other for a change. Geez! Seems like a simple solution, but people just love to complicate it over petty bullshit.

Ruh! Ruh! Ruh!

I doubt I’ll have much to write about tomorrow. The only plan is to hand in an income statement. Nothing too exciting. So maybe I’ll post this after midnight. Which is technically Tuesday. On time. Sorry if the negativity out weighs the positive within this post, but all that energy needs to go somewhere. – Pooks

“People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life.”- Colleen Hoover

Into the Vault, Where it Belongs

Blogging twice this week, lucky you! I got to swoop up all my emotional/ personal status’s and tweets, and bring them all here, where I kind of treat this blog like a vault. Where all the shit goes.

I’ll start off by copying and pasting the conversation that turned my day upside down. I was fine, but then HE decided to freakin bother me over bullshit.

Ex: I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back (9:00am)
Me: They should be in her backpack. Wtf?! (11:05am)
Me: Or yellow no frills bag (11:05am)
Me: Sorry you had a rough morning. It’s got nothing to do with me (11:22am)
Ex: Grey pants and pink cammo pants. They are not here. We are going to make some changes. Your attitude sucks.(12:44pm)
Me: What? What did I do? I’m sorry you can’t find the clothes. I know I packed them in a plastic bag because I washed them (12:46pm)
Me: If any ones attitude sucks, it’s yours (12:48pm)

What upsets me most about this, is that he apologized a week or 2 ago for that incident that took place years ago of grabbing my throat and dragging me by the hair . He claims to take full responsibility of his actions. Silly me, thought he meant it this time, but then he turns around and does this, and threatens my access with my kids OVER CLOTHES!!! Can you be anymore fuckin psychotic?! Threatening my access with my kids. Wow. Just when I think things are okay, he turns around and shows me he’s still an abusive scumbag. By threatening my access with my kids, he is being PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE!!!

I cancelled my appointment with Leads today, I was feeling rather distraught about the psychological abuse taking place via text messaging. So since he threatened my access, which was a court order, I forwarded our conversation to my lawyer and gave him the heads up, just in case my ex does try to deny my access.

He says my attitude sucks. My attitude was fine until he text messaged me with this bullshit. Our daughter has plenty of clothes, why make a big deal over 2 pairs of pants? Unless you are looking for someone to take your shit on. I mean for starters, he couldn’t just have asked, ” Have you seen our daughters pants? They’re missing”. No. I get a straight up accusation that I must have them with his remark; “I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back.” Of coarse I’m going to be like; What the fuck?

So no, I’m not too happy today. Matter of fact, I’m feeling rather dark thanks to him.

He’s always showing me why it’s a mistake to forgive him, or give him the benefit of the doubt. He will always be an ass. I’ve got to remember that. Don’t believe a word he freakin says, he’ll just turn around and hurt you some more.

By the looks of it, I got that message around 9am. So he was probably late getting the kids to school looking for clothes. Which yes, I can picture him getting all pissy, and marching and stomping around,  roaring like a bear over that. Find her something else to wear, and move on. But no, if he’s not taking it out on our son, he’s gotta message me and take his shit out on me.

And this freakin spaz is what C.A.S thought was ideal for our kids. Wow. Dumb-asses! Our son witnesses his temper and is scared, and I get to endure in more psychological abuse. Just wonderful! Yeah, thanks for nothing. I guess they had to close our file because they were spending too much money on our case. Obviously not on the right things. But whatever, it’s not like I didn’t try to fight that, it was out of my control. This stupid society would rather my children live with that scumbag over me. No wonder I think people are stupid, for numerous reasons. Count that as one.

So I did take precautions, I e-mailed my lawyer, in case my ex tries anything, such as deny my access. I mean, this is ridiculous. I didn’t do shit, and bam! I get a hissy fit this morning. Dude, I’m just trying to wake up with my coffee and get out the door to an appointment!

And of coarse he tried that reverse psychology shit, saying I’m the one with the attitude problem. Yet I was fine, before he a)made an accusation b) used my kids as something to threaten me with and c) reverse psychology, and say I’m the one with the attitude. I mean, NOW I have an attitude. His bullshit fuckin wrecked my day. I have to sit here and wonder, and fear, if he’s actually going to deny my access this weekend. I didn’t do anything! AND MISSING CLOTHES ( that are probably just lost in his pig stye of a townhouse) IS A PRETTY LAME REASON TO CUT MY ACCESS!!! It’s not my fault he’s psychotic!

So excuse me, If I’m a bit dark, negative and bitter for the remainder of the day. This whole freakin thing is nonsense! I’m in no mood for his bullshit, and I just stopped replying to his text messages. I don’t need his bullshit, just because he had a rough morning. Sorry I ever forgave and gave him the benefit of the doubt. A mistake I must stop making. FUCK HIM! He’ll always be an ass.

I don’t think the psychological abuse is ever going to end. It’s ongoing. So ladies, do NOT have children with an abusive prick! At least try to find out who you are with before you make that mistake. – Pooks

“I know that it’s easier to look at death than it is to look at pain, because while death is irrevocable, and the grief will lessen in time, pain is too often merely relentless and irreversible.”- Robert Goolrick

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Super Star

Well it’s been more than a week since my last post. Sorry about that. But if you haven’t noticed, I don’t do very well with routines. At least I’m trying.

This last week has been very tiring. School has started up again for the second term, and yeah. It’s been busy. I find myself falling asleep on the bus on the way home, or I’d be home, lie down to watch a movie, and yeah, I’d fall asleep. Even though I may be exhausted, I have to admit, it is exciting.

My classes are pretty much the same, except my Art History class is about arts, media, and popular culture this term. Last term it was about art and power.

I had court on Thursday, and no, I still don’t get joint custody. Although I don’t see why not? I am being given the rights to obtain all educational, medical, and religious records of our children. I have the right to be fully advised of our children’s progress in school, including having the right to have direct contact with all school authorities. I get to receive all copies of report cards, notices of school events, be advised by health care providers about the health and general welfare of our children, and to obtain all medical records. Not to mention, I’ve been given more unsupervised access for longer periods of time, rather than just 2 hours. I’ll be getting Saturdays from 10am- 5pm January 11th – March 1st. Saturday 10am – Sunday 5pm on March 8th & 15th. And on March 21st and every third Friday thereafter I can pick them up from school, and spend time with them until 8pm.

C.A.S is out of the picture…kinda. I said that before, but they stayed involved awhile longer. Supervised exchanges will take place at Merrymount. So in order for that to happen, our C.A.S file needs to be closed. At least that’s what the staff at Merrymount told me a year ago, and that I will need legal documentation stating that CAS is no longer involved. So I will probably have to do an intake all over again.

Honestly, I think the only reason my ex refuses to grant me joint custody, is because he fears I will run off with the kids. Umm… no. It is pretty obvious they have adjusted to the way things are now. Just because he ran off with the kids, doesn’t mean I would sink to the same low level as he did. I’m not him. I’d like to think I am better than that. I do think about our children’s best interest, and I do not wish for them to have to go through all that all over again. Unlike my ex, who wasn’t thinking about our children’s best interest, he was thinking with his crotch. Yeah, that whole attempt of using the children as leverage did not work.  That’s a form of abuse by the way. Just saying. It’s not good for the kids, and it’s not good for me either. The only good it did, was blow his chances permanently.

So no, I did not get joint custody, but I’m not giving up. I will continue to request it until everyone gets sick of me. The way things are going, I might as well be granted that. Why do I want joint custody? To have my parental rights on paper, something that says that I too am a legal parent, and so that my ex cannot pull the same jack-assery he has in the past. I mean without it, he can still power trip, and that is no bueno. I’ve had it with his bullshit. Matter of fact, I don’t put up with anyone’s bullshit. My tolerance has seriously decreased, and I think I made that clear over the years. Ahem, the number of people I’ve kicked to the curb for their negativity, abusive traits, or freakin drama. Yeah, not interested. Been there, done that, moving on.

But let’s face it, If I hadn’t gone through all that shit, would I be in University student today? Would I have ever become a New School of Colour Artist? I do have a sense of pride being not just any artist, but a New School of Colour artist. Would I have met all the amazing people I have met along the way? If it weren’t for those not so good experiences, and lessons the hard way, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So maybe it’s the way it’s meant to be. Just go with it, see where it takes me. I am a step closer to my goal of weekends. I’ll have my children over night for at least 2 Saturdays. It’s a start. I just need to continue to be the awesome mom I know I am, my children’s super star! \m/ – Pooks

p.s. Big thanks to my lawyer who has stuck by my side from the start, and put up with, and supported my stubborn ass. Haha! But you know what they say, persistent people are successful people, and I will never give up.

“I don’t worry about the haters… They are just angry because the truth I speak contradicts the lie they live.”- Steve Maraboli

Kind of Like Skipping Stones

Long time no see! I know, it’s been awhile since I have posted, but I have been busy. School, writing an exam, getting caught up in Visual Arts. Which thankfully I am caught up now.

To top it off, the holidays are upon us. So been busy with all the holiday shtuff as well, shopping, scheduling my days over the holidays, and blah blah blah. I’ll be going to a Christmas dinner which is being held by First Nation Housing Co-op at the Namerind Friendship Centre on December 22ond. I have a visit with my children early in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. On the evening of Boxing day I will be attending a gathering with friends, and we’ll be having cheese cake. We did the same last year. It’s kind of turning into a nice tradition. Gather for some Christmas Cheese Cake.

I did get an e-mail from my ex’s lawyer, and it seems like every time I get a letter or anything from them, I just want to panic, and just spaz right out. But after some thought, this may be the next step. The documents mentioned something about the exchanges taking place at Merrymount, instead of C.A.S. Since I no longer need to be supervised, I can take my kids out for an hour or two if I wanted to. Although, it is winter, it does get pretty cold, so for some of the visits, we’ve been indoors at the C.A.S building anyway. Baby steps. Merrymount is just the next baby step, no need to panic. I will reach my goal of weekends one day!

I actually made it in to see my counselor earlier this past week. I haven’t seen her since I fell down that flight of stairs back on Halloween. No more crutches. No more tensor bandage. Although this has got to be the longest I’ve ever had a bruise. It’s still healing, and my ankle is still a little swollen, but I can walk with no pain. Anyway, my counselor gave me praise for basically reaching out and talking to someone at the University when I had fallen behind. Rather than freaking out and having an anxiety attack, I problem solved, with some help of coarse. I have to admit, there are some amazing workers at the University.

Although, there is something disturbing. I appreciate that my professors are very sensitive when the First Nation people get brought up into a topic. Wither it be in Art History, or Sociology, I feel like the professors really try their best to not offend their Native students. So yeah, I was starting to feel like maybe this time around I won’t experience any discrimination within pursuing a post secondary education. Unlike my experience at Fanshawe College. But then it was brought to my attention that UWO’s “top cop” on campus is the same officer that killed Dudley George back in 1995. John Carson shot a Native protester and has admittedly said that he has “no regrets.” Does the University not see how this can be not only disturbing to their Indigenous students, but it can also make them feel very uncomfortable and unsafe? I sure as hell feel very uneasy just knowing there’s a cop that killed a fellow Native walking on the same campus as I am. As a Native Idle No More protester, of coarse I’m going to feel unsafe!! It makes me think that perhaps the discrimination continues, and maybe U.W.O isn’t as different as it perceived itself to be. The University has contradicted itself by hiring on this retired O.P.P officer. I mean, it kind of goes against what various University Programs ( such as Ally Western) want to achieve, inclusiveness with all identities, race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, faith, ability, etc. This alienates their Indigenous students. And why would you hire a cop to be on campus fully knowing that he has murdered another human being?! That puts all students safety at risk. It’s not a very wise decision if you ask me, John Carson should not be on campus.

Correction; Dudley George was killed by an officer named, Kenneth Deane. But the commanding officer in charge at the time was John Carson. Thus, making him responsible for the actions that took place back in 1995 that killed Dudley George. He’s the one that gave the “okay”. I still don’t think it’s “okay” that he is now the director of the Western Campus Police Service. He’s just as guilty as the man that shot Dudley George.

Besides that, art, art, art. What have I been doing? If you haven’t heard, I finally did complete that oil painting I was working on at the New School of Colour. I titled it, Brainwasher.

I mailed off a small art piece the size of a post card to the Twitter Art Exhibit (#twitterartexhibit). All proceeds will go to benefiting the Center of Contemporary Dance, Special need classes in Orlando, Florida. So that’s pretty exciting, I’m glad I hopped on the opportunity to be a part of it. It gets my art out there. The actual show takes place at the City Arts Factory, Magic Gallery, from March 20th – April 11th, 2014. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend. But at least my art gets to travel.

At home I have been re-doing an older piece that has gone missing. So I am re-creating my “Ring Leader in Paris” art piece. This time, it’s going to be in colour, and I’m using oil paint. The original was in chalk pastel, and pencil. I tried to make it look like a sepia photograph. But yeah, I think this version will make the original look like nothing but a rough draft. It is turning out better than the first.

I do have a surprise coming up for any Pooks fans out there. But I’ll reveal that in the New Year. It is art related.

I am trying to keep this post brief, but it’s kind of all over the place from one topic to the next. Kind of like skipping stones. So yeah, just getting you caught up on some things within the life of Pooks. Enjoy your holidays. So far, mine are turning out rather well. 😉 – Pooks

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”- Winston Churchill

Laughing at the Predictable

So court was today. I arrived around 2pm, and we didn’t finish up until around 4pm.

I am grateful for my lawyers efforts, including C.A.S’. Even though when it comes to C.A.S, I wouldn’t be in this predicament if it weren’t for them allowing all this to be in the first place. They did try to negotiate with my ex when it comes to joint custody. Also C.A.S said that they would try to work something out so that things work up to me having weekends with my children eventually. But no, my ex won’t allow it.

So yeah, rather than proving me wrong for a change. He consistently proves me right. He hasn’t changed at all, and he’s still the controlling abusive jackass that he is. Not so bright if you ask me. Although he claims to be a “scientific genius.”

Anyway, C.A.S will no longer be involved as of September 12th. So it is back to square one. Where it all began when I first contacted my lawyer years ago. My lawyer and I will need to meet up and try to come up with a proposal that can arrange me access with the children. Something that my ex can actually agree with, for now.

I’m not backing down though. I know what I want, and I strongly believe my children deserve their mother. My ex withholding my parental rights is just one of his abusive tactics. The only thing he has left that he can control regarding me. Perhaps he’s still pissy about what I share here. If he doesn’t like what is being written, I am just writing it as is, he can change that. Simple, all he had to do was prove me wrong. But as always, his false pride and arrogance get the best of him.

Of coarse his dumb ass brother filling his head with majority of the bullshit doesn’t help. Some brother ya got there!  He should be a C. A.S worker, he’s pretty good at being a home wrecker. I mean, seriously, all his brother’s got to do is accuse my exes girlfriend at the time of whatever, and that sends my ex on a mental loopy roller-coaster ride.  Ya know? Fuck with my exes head fully knowing my exes trust issues towards women as is. There’s his sick entertainment. But whatever, my ex tries so hard to impress this shit head. Shit head, that is quite fitting for someone that shits the bed. Oops! Sorry! Did I spit that out? My ex only told me that, because his ex prostitute is his brothers ex as well, and she told him. Yup. He shit the bed while he was lying right beside her. Eew! Nasty. Haha! Just consider that little story my big “Fuck you!” to my exes brother, for every time he spoke falsely about me, when he doesn’t know fuck all about me.

I’m not trying to make my ex sound all innocent here, he’s far from it. I’m just pointing out that his brother played a part as well.  He encourages this abusive behavior. Yup, quite the pair those brothers are. Just a couple of goofs. Not the funny haha kind of goofs either. I’m referring to the local slang definition of the word; predators.

Anyway, where was I? Had I been granted joint custody, it’s not like I’d tamper with the kids education, religion, or health care, etc. They’re doing fine when it comes to all that. Ya know? Considering our children does have a mother that wants to be there, compared to some parents out there, they’re fortunate. I’ve been here waiting for them all along. I just want to be able to spend time with my children, be the best mama I can be for them, and create memories that they can cherish forever.

So yeah, court went as I had expected, things are just getting prolonged again. Leave it to my ex, he’s a pro at making things more complicated than they have to be. Considering how predictable my exes actions were, I can’t really help but laugh about it.

In the meantime, just keep moving forward, and doing my best to make the rest of my life the best of my life.  – Pooks

“In a cruel land, you either learned to laugh at cruelty or spent your life weeping.”- Robert Jordan

My own Personal Hurricane

Glad I got out of the house today. Even after venting out on a canvas which I stabbed repeatedly with a knife, and punched it, smearing black and red paint around. I was feeling angry, sad even, I was crying. I needed to get out, or it would have been reverting back to attempting to sleep it all away.

I had gotten the affidavit in the mail. All this court shit gets depressing. Not to mention frustrating, after trying to contact my lawyer by forwarding these documents through e-mail, and not having any luck with that. I even called, and not only was my cell phone acting very strange, I only got an answering machine. I think I am almost due for a new cell phone, the one I have is slowly going kaput.

I’m not sure what I am to do, or how I will pay my lawyer once I start school. I currently go through Financial Aid. So, another thing to stress about.

Anyway, after reading the affidavit in paper, it does state that I am allowed access, supervised mind you. But still no joint custody, because my ex holds an endless grudge for 3 years and ongoing. Because in his fucked up head I’m a supposed crack head, alcoholic, that is a prostitute that manipulates C.A.S. Yet, I don’t drink, nor do drugs. He was the one that had substance abuse issues. Fuck! When we were together, if I did have a beer, it’s not like I could ever finish it. My alcoholic ex would always punk it, and finish it off. But I’m the alcoholic. Rrright!

The documents also mention that my ex had been found guilty of the following criminal offenses, domestic assault & fraud. Just the fact that fraud is on his record, you’d think that the system would be well aware that MY EX IS FULL OF SHIT!

But no, let’s completely disregard that, and give full custody to a manipulative pathological liar.

I do have a legit reason to be angry. Just look at the shit I gotta put up with from my ex. Him?! He’s angry over bullshit he made up within his own head. He’s mentally fucked! Like I had the time to run around, get trashed, and be a slut, when I was obviously at home taking care of the kids, dealing with workers and ALL the responsibility. I must’ve been immune to hang overs or something, if that’s the case. Or be some kind of super human, and be in more than one place at once.

Anyway, yeah. Today I vented, and created the painting you see below.

IMG_3823

I took as much pain as I could, and put all that negative energy into the painting. I do have healthy ways to cope, unlike an angry, violent individual I know. I’m not the first woman he’s ever assaulted. He has a history of it with previous exes. I’m just the one brave enough to share it, and any other bullshit he pulls.

So anyway, I went to visit a friend that is renovating an apartment. I kept her company while she worked. We had coffee, and watched and episode of “Murder she wrote.” It took my mind off things temporarily.

It’s just, you know how they say “Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass.” ? Well, it’s been years, and I am wondering when will this storm ever pass? – Pooks

“Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success.” – Bo Bennett