Split

Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture  myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks

“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism

New Adventures Await

Once again, been awhile since I posted.
Anyways, on Good Friday, March 25th, 2016 at 1:15pm, I gave birth to a little girl. Since we already had names chosen, that would mean, Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg made her grand entrance to the world. She weighed 10 lbs and 11ozs. So far, the biggest of all my babies I gave birth to. So was not expecting that, especially after my last ultrasound when the lady said my baby was only 7 lbs.
Anyways, I had a lot of support with me during and after my delivery. So thank you to my man, my bestie, my doula, Dr. Thompson and Dr Rahman. Thank you to friends and family that came to visit us at the hospital. You all made this experience a positive one. Especially those in the delivery room with me. Your support and encouragement was and is still appreciated.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

However, I am not impressed with Victoria Hospital, because once again, C.A.S was called, and for a stupid reason at that. Just because “they were involved in my past”.
So when the worker showed up at our home, I just spoke to her at the door because we weren’t told CAS was called, and we weren’t expecting any company. I don’t let anyone in if I am not expecting a visitor. Most people make arrangements before hand, it’s just the respectful thing to do. Supposedly she claims she called and emailed in advance, but nope. I checked.
Another date was set for her to visit, and my man spoke to her that day. Clearly that wasn’t enough, they want to speak to me directly. So yet another appointment has been scheduled.
When she came to visit again, my man took some time off work to be there and support me, and the visit didn’t turn out as bad as I had assumed it would be. I guess with all my past experience with C.A.S, I dreaded the worst. But turns out, it went rather well. My man and are not a concern, our file was closed, and the worker said she’d file a complaint on whomever from Victoria  Hospital that called C.A.S on us for wasting her time.
Anyways,  I just took a family members advice. This is a happy moment in my life, and I’m not going to let anyone spoil it for me. So nyeh! 😛 Lol Clearly it worked.
So yeah, been pretty busy with a newborn. Introducing her to people, friends of my man. He’s so proud.
One of these past weekends we went on our first family trip together. We went to visit my man’s mom, and a whole bunch of other family members. All together, there was 22 of us at this reunion. It was awesome. I just wish I could have been more active without hurting myself. I was still recuperating from giving birth. Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed the nature walk, even though I may have pushed myself too hard to keep up. So yeah, after that, I was grounded. Lol I had to take it easy for the remainder of our stay.
However, it was nice to see my eldest daughter be more social this time around and having fun. She loved the trampoline. Thank my ex for letting us bring her along.
We got to meet my man’s Aunt from Alberta, and his 80 year old grandfather. They were cool.
Also, it was funny how my man’s and I’s daughter was the same size as her cousin. He’s 3 or 4 months old, and our daughter was just over a week old.
Anyways, on our way back home, the weather was insane. My man said he was under a lot of stress getting us home safely, even his hands were shaking. I mean, the roads were barely visible, they were covered in snow. But I think my man did a good job, both driving and not showing how truly stressed he was. He managed to get my eldest daughter home to her Dad safely as promised, and we got home safely as well.
It wasn’t until after that we realized just how lucky we were. I guess we just missed a huge accident on the 401. A 20 car pile up. So thank our lucky stars we weren’t in that, and hopefully those that were weren’t seriously injured.
What else? Just been settling in at home with our baby. My man has returned to work, and I am trying to stay on top of appointments and other responsibilities. However, with a newborn, yeah. A lot of my time is spoken for. She comes first.
We’ve been getting a lot of gifts and cards from family for our daughter. Thank them all for their help. I mean, we started out with barely any clothes for her, and now she’s got quite the wardrobe. Plus other baby items, toys, etc. So I couldn’t be anymore grateful. My man’s family, on both his mother’s side, and his father’s side have been amazing.
What else? The Twitter Art Exhibit’s opening reception in New York was on March 31st, and by the looks of it, it was a success. Within 2 hours they raised over $7000 for Foster Pride.
Anyways, the show runs until April 21st.
The painting I donated was a portrait of my boyfriend. I called it ” Portrait of a Carpenter.” So if you’re in New York City, check it out at the Trygve Lie Gallery.
Anyways, what else? Up with Art is quickly approaching, which will be at the Palace Theatre on April 23rd here in London, ON. Looking forward to that event. This year I will be there with my man and 2 daughters. So yeah, it will be awesome! To buy your tickets or bid on any art in advance, go to… http://www.upwithart.ca.
I haven’t returned to the New School of Colour yet. However, we just gotten a stroller not too long ago from my man’s sister. So it is possible. But I would rather wait until it is warmer, and for when my daughter is a bit bigger and settled in. We are slowly creating a routine. Kinda hard with a newborn, but yeah. I finally got her sleeping at night. At first, she was quite the night owl, but then I discovered that classical music helps her sleep.
My eldest daughter was over last weekend, and I wish I could have been more fun. But yeah, my hands have been tied with a newborn. Hopefully my eldest daughter remains patient. Ya know? Soon the baby will become mobile and things will become fun again. New adventures wait to be had.
I am feeling extremely grateful to be given the chance to be a full time parent again. And I’m grateful to have all the support that I do these days. My man, friends and family. Parenting with support, it makes a huge difference.
Anyways, quite a bit has been going on, but yeah. Feel like I’m writing against a timer. Lol Baby will wake up any moment. So yeah, I’ll leave it at that for now. Thank you for reading! Much love – Pooks.

” Build me up and I with you. For we are more one than two”

– Deborah Day

Because you’re Native

So I was going through the documents my doctor gave me, to give to the hospital in case I pop early.

Needless to say that I am not impressed with the way they worded things. Such as “denies” substance abuse in current pregnancy??? Wtf? I don’t do drugs period, besides the antibiotics they shove down throat. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I kicked that to the curb without a problem when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. 10- 11 YEARS AGO!!! I don’t do fuckin drugs period. Ughhhhhhhh….

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It also says to monitor me for any indications to involve them (C.A.S) in current pregnancy.

A) The reason CAS got involved in the first place was because a doctor accused me of being on crack when I actually had mastitis. And rather then doing their job, Dr. Lee settled for his assumption.

B) CAS remained involved because of MY EX and the domestic abuse. But yeah, CAS, specifically Lara Downing, fucked up on that one, and thinks it’s safer to have my children with the man that assaulted their mother, than their mother. Make any sense?? Oh that’s right, I opened up with the truth that my ex was in my home when he wasn’t supposed to be due to a restraining order. I guess that would have been too much work for her to have to start from scratch. But what does she expect from a domestic abuse case? Yeah, I was lying on his behalf. Because he supposedly loved me, and was the only person that cared for me. Everybody else was just trying to tear our family apart. That’s the kind of shit a victim of abuse gets brainwashed with. Anyways,  out of spite, this lazy immature worker did everything in her power to have my kids placed with my ex. Congrats! She succeeded, and now schools wonder why they have so many problems with my eldest son. Smh. Oh yeah, and since my ex was around when he wasn’t supposed to be, that whole cleanliness bullshit that got pinned on me only, that’s on him too. That’s the fuckin truth.

Society and all these organizations are fuckin retarded!
Correction. Not retarded. That’s not the word. I know some peeps may find that word offensive. But yeah… perhaps bias, prejudice, racist, ignorant, so on and so forth, are better words to use.

Heck! Even my biological cousin shares this perspective from her own experience. She said: ” Automatic substance abuser. Because you’re native. I get labeled immediately as well, even when I was pregnant.”

So yeah. Welcome to the life of a native. Isn’t that fuckin bullshit or what?

Not all natives are substance abusers. Many of my generation learned by the example of our elders. Not all of them. But yeah, there are those trying to drown their traumatic experiences from Residential Schools. The torture and genocide of our people and culture. Sure those times may be over, not entirely obviously, but clearly our elders still suffer internally from those memories. I imagine it would be like how a soldier would suffer PTSD after returning from war. People having to live with seeing or experiencing inhumane shit that is to be kept “confidential.”

Anyways… that’s enough for this post. I will post another regarding other aspects of my life, either later on today or in the week. Thank you for reading my occasional rant. Peace and love – Pooks

“…racist thought and action says far more about the person they come from than the person they are directed at.”

– Chris Crutcher

Fuck your Judgement

Hi.
To be honest, I  have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.

The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.

I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts,  good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.

However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.

I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
http://http://www.stylepinner.com/people-feeling-sorry-for-themselves/cGVvcGxlLWZlZWxpbmctc29ycnktZm9yLXRoZW1zZWx2ZXM/
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.

Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves.  I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.

Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.

So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.

Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks

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“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”

– Shannon L. Alder

Hit Another Stage

Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!

Anyways, I know I’m not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I’ve gone from weekly, to every two weeks.  Basically, I’m just posting when I find the time.

Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I’m not overly tired either, I can blog.

A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.

The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there’s a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I’m good!

Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn’t a happy camper that day.  I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I’d assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn’t the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.

Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.

Not to mention I didn’t appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That’s not your job. She’s not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn’t any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I’m 6-7 months pregnant. I’m not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I’ll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I’m obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I’m late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don’t get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn’t want this woman as worker anymore.

So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and I really don’t want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.

Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it’s like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I’m a good mom. My kids know I’m a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That’s one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That’s the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.

I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He’s got more support than the average child. He’s still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.

My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He’s rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…

Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It’s difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it’s a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he’s kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue,  they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he’s doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They’d rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can’t see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.

Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.

As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he’d learn in school. So that he doesn’t fall too much behind.  My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We’ll start from scratch and build him up from there.

My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I’s  son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don’t want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.

In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.

Anyways, it’s pretty sad that my ex says he’s pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.

I know he’s a smart kid. He’s just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it’s time to learn, it’s time to learn. We weren’t given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don’t. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.

But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.

I’ve also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he’s still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He’s been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won’t do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.

There’s another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.

So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it’s a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.

Thankfully my daughter doesn’t have the same issue regarding school. She’s doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she’s been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She’s adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.

Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I’ve been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It’s going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it’s like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I mean, he says “art is the artists journey”, but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are  not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn’t learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won’t work unless he’s there. She has become highly dependent on him.

Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?

So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn’t go Wednesday. I didn’t feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.

Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I’m at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let  the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It’s a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.

I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.

Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So  the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.

Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that’s changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won’t be used for a first name, because I guess that would be “too embarrassing.”

Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂

Anyways, there’s a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We’re trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth.  I think that’s enough for this blog post anyways, you don’t need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.”

– Oscar Wilde

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

 

In Their Ideal Society

Hello again!

I know it’s been awhile since I blogged. I believe I skipped a week. But some time away doesn’t hurt once in awhile.

Anyways, umm… what are the major things that have been happening. Besides the obvious, preparing for Christmas. This year I get to have my children over for Christmas, so that’s going to be awesome. My son requested to have an awesome Christmas dinner, with banana bread and cheese cake for dessert. We shall see what we can do. As in my partner and I.

Not only that but we have also been trying to prepare for our baby that is on the way. We managed to find a play pen for a good deal at a nearby second hand store. That was awesome. And My man’s sister gave us a bunch of stuff for the baby, a changing mat, clothes, bibs, etc. etc. Even though we do not know the sex of our baby.

Which reminds me, I might be getting an ultrasound sooner than expected. During my last doctor appointment, the doctor said my baby is underweight. I found that devastating. Because now Dr. M. Kennedy, like most doctors with a native patient, jump to the worst conclusions. Oh she’s native, she must be on drugs, or drinking alcohol. He was getting ready to call C.A.S, which upset and totally pissed me off. I mean, C.A.S has interfered enough with my life, like half of it. And this freakin doctor wanted to call them just because I “have a history with them.” He said, “They are there to help.” Hahaha! Bullshit! Not with my experience. They are there to help white people, the Capitalists, and the genocide. To rid people of colour in their ideal society.

I mean, years ago, it was a doctor at Victoria Hospital that got C.A.S involved back when my son was a baby. That judgmental, discriminating jackass jumped to conclusions and rather than testing me to see what’s up. He automatically accuses me of coming down off of crack, when truthfully, as the nurses found out after the fact, I had a breast infection; mastitis. These doctors should do their jobs rather than jumping to conclusions based on race. That’s very unprofessional. So yeah, haven’t really trusted doctors since. I hate them all equally.

Anyways,  back to recent times, another doctor came in and said that they won’t be calling C.A.S because they are not concerned. However, they will be monitoring the baby’s growth throughout my pregnancy. Which is why they want another ultrasound done soon.

I have to make sure my following appointments land on Mondays, so I get the same 2 doctors as last time. They want to be the ones to follow my pregnancy, and be there when I’m in labour. The Victoria Family Medical Centre doctors work in alternating teams. So yeah, if I book a different day, different doctor. I don’t mind the female doctor, but the male one, ooooooh… he got on my bad side for even mentioning C.A.S. However, I will remain co-operative. I know what could be stunting the growth of my baby, caffeine and smoking.

Anyways, after my appointment, my man came home to me crying. I’m so fortunate to have him there as support. Even when I’m all emotional. Right away he started to do some research on healthy foods that can help with weight gain during pregnancy, and went shopping for those foods. So yeah, even my diet has changed. I try to avoid drinking beverages with caffeine. We’re even being more careful with the kind of teas I drink, since there are teas that have caffeine within them. So yeah, sticking to more fruity, non caffeinated teas. Mornings are rough without some kind of caffeine, but I’ll manage. As for smoking, I smoked maybe 10 per day, and have been cutting back. Maybe I’ll be able to ween myself off them eventually. Fingers crossed! It’s not an easy habit to kick, I’ve tried and failed before.

Other than that, I missed my Leads appointment last week. I misplaced my bus pass, which turned out to be right under my nose the whole time. Go figure. I mean, since it’s getting colder, I wear a hoodie, a fleece vest ( since I can’t zip up my coat over my tummy), and my winter coat. So yeah, lots of pockets. Anyways, my bus pass was in my sweater, under all the layers the whole time. Ughh… Luckily, I was able to re-book. I mean I was looking forward to my appointment. I was just about to head out the door, and yeah, missing bus pass.

At the last appointment I attended at Leads, my worker noticed that I was fidgeting with my bus transfer as we talked. By the time I was done folding it, she said it looked like a snowflake. So that gave her the idea to make snowflakes at the next appointment. So I was curious to see if that was actually going to happen. Were we actually going to make paper snowflakes? Not your regular kind of Leads appointment. Haha! Creativity is contagious. I love it!

So yeah, I’ll see her tomorrow and find out.

As for the New School of Colour, I completed a small acrylic painting last week, and will probably be starting something new this evening.  While I’m there, my man said that is when he will be buying me a Christmas gift, and stashing it somewhere in the house. Lol

Speaking of painting, I still have to create something for the Twitter Art Exhibit, the last piece I was working on got messed up because I spilled tea all over it. So yeah, got to make another.

I also want to paint my front window with a Christmas theme this year. I got some tips from the former New School of Colour facilitator, since I knew he did that kind of thing at The Ark in the past. The thing is, finding the time. Newho, yeah, best of luck to him wherever life takes him. We was talking about getting a PH.D and becoming a doctor in the past. Maybe that’s what he’s doing. Good luck fellow rainbow ninja! We all know how much I love doctors. Hahaha! Maybe he will turn out to be a decent one. Who knows?!

During my last visit with my kids, we went for a walk to the park, and then wondered down streets we’ve never been down. I think I have a good sense of direction, so we didn’t get lost. Lol

Anyways, that’s life lately. Thank you for reading! Peace and Love! – Pooks

“Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble.”

– Lemony Snicket

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wicked Witch

Well things took a drastic turn quite rapidly. Ya know? Just when I was starting to get used to the idea of being pregnant, someones gotta come along and be  the wicked witch so to speak.

To make a long story short, I don’t want to have any ties to my now ex-boyfriends mother. Especially after that phone call. She called her son, she was put on speaker phone to speak to me about the news. And no no no, she can’t be supportive like the Kings and my close friends have been. Instead, she brings up C.A.S, my past, and makes me cry. To top it off, that fuckin psycho bitch laughed at my pain. So no, I want no relations with, or any ties to anyone that laughs and pokes fun at my past pain I’ve gone through the years. So basically that means breaking up with her son, and getting an abortion.

I mean, who the fuck is she to judge me?! She’s dating a fuckin alcoholic/ crackhead, and has that addict around her younger children that still live in her home on a daily basis. Rrright, and she’s going to judge me as a parent?

I stormed out after I had enough. She’s a rude, ignorant, stupid bitch. Of coarse her privileged white ass wouldn’t understand any of the shit I have been through regarding C.A.S. Not to mention her eldest daughter is a C.A.S worker. So she see’s the fairy tale side of that organization. Not the reality of that evil organization that doesn’t give a fuck if parents love their children, it all comes down to slavery, and maintaining that slavery to benefit the Capitalists. Who gives a fuck if the children get put into abusive homes. Get placed with the abuser. I believe I read in the news that a child died because of that not too long ago. Can’t really say I’m surprised. That’s what they do. Heck! Look at the fucked up home I was placed in. I don’t even have contact with that supposed family anymore. they are not worth my fuckin time.

So yeah, I stormed out…as I did, it began to rain half way on the way home. Ugh! I took shelter at Mcmahen Park, at least til the rain stopped a bit, and continued on my way. It was a long walk for someone in my condition. I shouldn’t be walking great distances. But fuck! My purse, my wallet, money, ID, and other belongings were left behind at my now ex boyfriends apartment. So, not like I could hop on a bus.

By the time I got home, my stomach hurt. So I laid in bed, and stayed there for the remainder of the day, and majority of the next day. People kept knocking on my door, my cell phone kept going off, but I did not want to be bothered.

Anyways, I wasn’t too impressed that my now ex boyfriend and someone I thought was a friend brought the police to my door. Calling the cops on a friend, or your supposed girlfriend is just a low blow. Thanks a lot. You might as well just be calling C.A.S on my ass. Like really, no friend does that.

So the police came to my door, I answered. They started babbling to me about programs that assist people that are considering self harm. Like what the fuck?!! I just want to lie down. I put my body through a lot the night prior just trying to get home. Go away!

The female officer was really annoying, so I bluntly told her that she talked too much, and that I was dizzy and just wanted to sit down. They were like; good, we can come in then. Umm… noooo. You’re not welcome.

Anyways after that, the female cop was like “No more Misses nice cop.” Whatever. I’m not scared of you. Besides I’m sure the police would jump on a chance to kill another native, or person of colour. Ya know? They seem to do that quite often anyways. Just saying.

Anyways, after they were done babbling about whatever, and I saying that I don’t need their help. I’ll be calling my freakin doctor for help. They fucked off.

Later that night I went for a walk with my bestie. She filled me in that she had nothing to do with the cop calling. Even though we talked about my current situation, she also tried to distract me here and there with humour. She’s good at that. Anyways, she said she’d come with me when I get my abortion. Ya know? So I won’t have to do it alone. It’s not only going to be hard on me physically, but mentally as well. And yeah, I’m lucky to have her as a support, and a friend. She agrees and understands why I am choosing the route that I am.

Anyways, today, my bestie and I went to my now ex boyfriends apartment. He was at work. So I went to pick up my belongings and get the fuck out of dodge. Amazingly, most of my stuff was already packed. So that just made things so much easier. How was I able to get his apartment while he was at work? Simple, I was able to do so because he had cut me a set of spare keys for his apartment, but before my bestie and I left, I put them back in the mail slot with his flyers. I won’t be needing those keys no more.

I’m sure my now ex boyfriends mother will be happy. She got what she wanted, even though she didn’t have to say it. The point was clearly taken. Can’t really trust a 2-faced family anyways. One day saying I’m an upgrade from their sons ex, next thing they’re saying is that he lowered his standards. Yeah well…FUCK YOU ALL!!

So tomorrow I have a visit with my children. They’ll be over for the weekend. So next week, I’ll be focused on getting the abortion and recovering from it. – Pooks

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Fully Exposed

Go ahead. Say it's slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and use of composition

Go ahead. Say it’s slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and the use of composition

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can't wait til he's older so he can put an axe in his head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can’t wait til he’s older so he can put an axe in his father’s head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything.

As you can see I have been using art as an outlet. But now I lift the curtain, so to speak. If I get accused of slander, so be it. I hope so. By all means put the spotlight right on my blog, this situation could use more attention obviously. Especially as a highlight of the psychological abuse I have to tolerate when my ex plays with my access when it comes to my children, as if it were a yo-yo.

Hmmm… what else can be highlighted? Obviously the verbal abuse. My ex constantly putting my son down to the point my son no longer feels good about himself. Even his weight get’s mocked because my ex doesn’t like “fat people”. I’ve seen this before, with my own foster parents. My dad never used to be as big, but he constantly had his wife at the time putting him down. Kind of hard to be confident if someone is there to constantly criticize you. My dad turned to t.v and junkfood. My son, he’s turned to videogames and food. Videogames to ignore and shut out the world, and food for comfort. Sometimes he eats to the point he pukes. Not very healthy there, now is it?

Our son calls his dad a goof, a douche, says he’s stupid, dumb and annoying. Where could he be getting it from? Why is there so much anger towards his father? My ex says from school, from friends…but that’s what he does, points the finger everywhere else but at himself. From my visits, I witnessed my ex calling my son names. Even called our son Hitler at the dinner table. They bicker back and forth, and when my son say’s he cannot wait to grow up and put an axe in his fathers head, his father encourages this and says he looks forward to the physical altercation.

There is obviously favoritism, my ex favors our daughter over our son and treats our daughter very differently than our son. As I’ve mentioned before, he is more gentle. His tone of voice is even more gentle. Yet, with our son, there is no hesitation to yell at him and threaten him constantly. No wonder our son has anxiety. He is living in constant fear thanks to his father who thinks fear is the appropriate way to discipline the children.

The reason C.A.S let my ex take our children away from me was due to “cleanliness”. Note, I was cleaning up after his filthy ass without C.A.S even knowing of it, and yeah, gave up. Clean up your own filth. But if they saw his home now, his kitchen…it’s no wonder they were all sick not that long ago. Can’t touch anything in that room, or even the table they eat at, without getting some kind of sticky residue on you. I was constantly washing my hands while I was there for visits. Can you say health hazard? I mean, London Housing even warned him about the mess, did he do anything? No. It’s still a mess. Because he doesn’t do anything. The kids are just an extra pay cheque to him, more weed.

He keeps bouncing the kids from school to school, even if our son was finally doing well. Figures, they adjust to the changes, and just like that, their dad goes and disrupts that because he feels threatened by the school…again. At Wilton Grove, the school board was getting suspicious regarding our sons aggressive behavior. I was in question, although I think that assumption deteriorated once I showed up to the meeting and they met me in person…My ex was in question, and bam! The kids get pulled out of that school and placed into the Catholic School next door. He runs as soon as anyone suspects anything.

So, At the Catholic School next door to Wilton Grove, they were going to call the police because my ex wasn’t bringing in our children to school, and not notifying them with any reason of absence. The truth is, he’s lazy and sleeps in. Can’t blame the kids, they actually get up pretty early, and our daughter is the first to wake up. But of coarse, he can’t admit that. He’s a freakin godsend according to his ego. So instead of facing the school, the problem, he takes it as a personal threat, regardless if our children are doing well in that school, and pulls them out of that school to home-school instead. Hence why I wasn’t pleased with that decision, because it wasn’t based on our children at all, it was entirely selfish and based on himself…as usual.

He keeps running into problems with organizations within society, such as the schools, they aren’t stupid. Clearly they can see something is up.

Why don’t I report him to C.A.S? Haha! They made it more than obvious that they will not listen to any of my concerns. I mean, even our son knows the situation is messed up, he flat out asked me if I was assaulted by their father ( In December 2008), why are they ( him and his sister) living with their dad? Well son, our society is racist and since mommy is coloured, they will disregard the assault, and any other concerns regarding your father.

My ex is wishy-washy, and unstable. He can go from “we’re friends” to “we’re enemies” in an instant. Hence why I call him a schizophrenic. Funny how that health record stating he was a borderline schizophrenic miraculously disappeared. How convenient. Let’s focus on his edginess. It goes beyond anxiety. It’s paranoia. He walks around with things he can use as weapons, hidden in/or under his coat. There’s a sharp piece of metal he bent, he said it can poke out someones eyes. Around his neck, under his coat is a wire, which is intended for strangulation “if anyone decides to jump him” ( “it’s more clean & not as messy”) . In his home, he has a golf club ( he doesn’t play golf, and he said it would make a great weapon if it were to be used on someones head), a crowbar, and a samurai sword hidden in the rafters of his basement. Our daughter mentioned her fear of the sword, but was told that it is no longer in the house. But I was shown otherwise. Supposedly that was supposed to assure me of their safety. With the way he treats our son and I, I don’t see those as weapons of “safety” and defense. If anything, a red flag.

I seem to be blogging a lot lately, and using as many creative outlets as possible. I will, until I no longer feel the need and it is all out of my system.

The text messages and phone calls… as I said before, he’s the one contacting me. I would rather not hear from him over the week, especially if it’s regarding nonsense, and not an emergency. The random text messages out of the blue regarding the pants, and threatening my access over 2 pairs of pants. Phone calls how some girl is starting some drama. No idea why he was telling me that, let alone what he expected me to do about it. His problems with other women isn’t any of my business. Nor do I care. As long as our kids are fine. Who the fuck cares?! Getting accused for stealing money from him and tampering with his propane tank. Wow. As I said before and made it very clear within this blog, I despise money, so why the fuck would I steal it? And I think I got better things to do than go around sneaking in his neighborhood putting our children in danger. Seriously? That’s fuckin lame and ridiculous. Ya know? His mind is so far gone, I don’t even think he knows what’s real and unreal anymore. He’s somewhere else, it certainly isn’t here.

Anyway, what else? whomever he suspects is stealing from him, it shifts, TO THE PEOPLE HE LETS INTO HIS HOME! That makes more sense. The people he surrounds himself with are questionable. I never feel safe around his crowd. Addicts, Junkies, Alcoholics, petty thieves, hookers, criminal types. As long as you have weed, he’s your friend. I don’t even think he knows the definition of friendship. It seems to be based on people using people for something in return.

I’ve gotten text messages regarding if I have a printer… The only thing remotely close to an emergency  regarding our children, via text messages or phone calls, was that he pulled our kids out of school. Turns out, that doesn’t really have anything to do with our kids, now does it?

During one of the visits he confessed that there is something about me that stresses him out. That has to do with me and my past of self mutilation. I don’t do that anymore, haven’t for years. He says he’s afraid to hurt my feelings. Haha! That changed rather quickly, he sure as hell isn’t afraid to use our children, and my access to hurt me if I so much as disagree with anything he says. Right, he’s so smart, he knows all. He’s so “godly”. Pssssh…. Get over yourself. If you want to talk about politics, religion, sociology, etc, expect and respect an opposite opinion. No 2 perspectives are the same. And anyone mature enough to converse of such things  would be open to someone that challenges their thinking capabilities. Kind of funny he got so anal considering he was the one that told me before there were no absolutes, yet he sure seems mighty sure of himself and his opinion. No no no! Can’t disagree with him. He’ll power-trip you if you do, and not let you and your kids do anything for the remainder of the visit, but stare at a screen. Then he’ll cut your access from your children. Sounds like a bitch to me.

He keeps telling me to pick a side, God or Satan. I choose neither. Not only do I think it’s all a fiction, a hoax to control the masses of people when it comes to Religion, the Bible, Jesus, and God. Hell and Satan were invented to induce fear. When people are scared, they are easier to control. That is how abuse works. But why pick sides? That’s the problem with this freakin world. There always has to be a side. What if there isn’t a side, and we can just be? Accepting each-other regardless of our differences. Bible thumpers cannot see that perspective for some fucked up reason. Too brain-washed I guess. It’s all about division, and judgement with them. I admit, I’ve been struggling with my faith. I barely believe that there is even a Creator.  As for the white mans religion, I sometimes think such things as how much it would make me laugh if their supposed god returned as a coloured woman. That would pop a lot of egos, and be highly amusing. But I doubt the return. And when I hear religious people babble on hallelujah, praise jesus! Amen! The power of Christ! He has returned! I think they are full of shit. They all come off as crazy to me. I’m sure when they hear my perspectives, they think I’m crazy as well. So yay! We’re even. Maybe your creator isn’t ever going to come back because it has been divided into each and every single living entity. Until there is unity, there is no “return” so to speak. No peace. No “heaven on earth”, because we’re too dumb and would rather continue to live as slaves in our own personal hell we created. It is what we make it. Isn’t that what we were supposedly given, free will? Let the Capitalist rule. See what happens when you put humans in charge when humans are not meant to lead. Let alone capable without corruption. That’s another way to look at it I guess. If you really go far back, as my ex claims he has, but obviously hasn’t. God= The Sun. The “giver of life”. You praise the damn sunshine you nut bars, and have been for centuries! It’s all astrology. And I am a reflection of light you imagined here, because yes, your mind is that freakin powerful. We all are, you just don’t believe it.

Anyway, my ex clearly trolls my blog, has been for years. I mean, seriously? He thinks he can suddenly sweet talk me with my interest in sociology? Dude, your ship has sailed a long time ago, and it isn’t ever going to come back. “You’re such a vampire.” Haha! Where else could you have gotten that idea of me, besides this blog where I given that analogy where I’m like a vampire. I don’t go anywhere, unless invited. And there’s been other numerous hints that yeah, he’s my number one troll. Get a life.

He says I’m not scary, but he’s sure afraid of my energy when I’m angry. That’s because I know how to use it. How to transform it. I’ve been sharing my story of us for years, and thanks to his B.S it is just ongoing. Why the fuck should I protect his face and name? I’ve lost all fucks given. He sure as hell doesn’t hesitate to bring my name up numerous times. Now we’re equal. Balanced so to speak. If you want to be the negative impact in my life, I will write and draw it out. It will be recorded, and become history. He chose to be immortalized as the bitch, and the douche in our story with the never ending abuse. – Pooks

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”- Lundy Bancroft

More Flip-Flopping Bullshit

Blogging 4- 5 days early, thanks to my schizophrenic ex! Seriously, he’s loco! Fuckin guy goes from “we’re friends” to freakin enemies in less than a day. And quite honestly, I am sick of that shit. As I’ve said before, he’s worse than a girl. Well there’s a good example with all that emo flip-flopping bullshit. He’s on his own! Fuck him.

He took the kids out of school this week because he’s having problems with the school again. This time the Catholic School. He’s freaking out over the fact that they took pictures without his consent. Well I guess the government, or O.S.S.D, needs some kind of photo identification of some sort of all students filed. But not only that, they threatened to call the police on him for not bringing the kids to school. Well… don’t do that. Don’t threaten him, because he’s a coward that will do what he does. He’ll pick up and run. In this case, take the kids out of the Catholic School, and consider homeschooling them instead. Note, this has nothing to do with the kids. Matter of fact, they were doing well in school.  It’s only because the school threatened HIM. Not the first time that happened. The last school our kids were at, they were getting suspicious of the father regarding our son’s aggressive behavior, and what did he do? He took our kids out of the school, and placed them into the Catholic School. He’s running, the moment anyone has any hint or idea of what the heck is going on, he runs.

You want to know why my son was acting up so much at that public school?? Maybe it’s because he is constantly being verbally abused by his father. He get’s called every name in the book. So of coarse he does not feel good about himself, and he takes it out on others. It’s a cycle. Yes, he needs to learn another form of release. A healthier way to cope. Although the best solution would be to take him right out of that environment, ahem, the home he is currently in. But no, let’s keep him there. And no matter how much I try to boost my son’s self-esteem, he doesn’t believe me. He says, “I don’t believe you. My Dad says I’m a prick.” Last weekend I showed him a picture of himself as a baby, and said he was adorable. That was the response I got, the one where he got called a prick by his father.

I mean, it’s not like he works. He does fuck all all day. Let alone clean his house for that matter (his kitchen is disgusting btw). London Housing did an inspection not too long ago, and warned him about the mess, and yeah, still a pig stye. He’s lazy. And he doesn’t have to do much. Get the kids to school?! That’s pretty freakin simple. All the other parents in the ghetto can do it. But no, not my ex. They’re always late, or they don’t show up at all.  Hence why the school was going to call the police. He didn’t get them into school before 1pm, let alone at all that day, and didn’t notify the school  with any reason of absence. Although sleeping in probably isn’t a good reason.

So he was thinking of home schooling, and suddenly wanted to take this big leap of trust in me out of the blue. Asking me to help educate our children when it comes to that decision. Saying I could get more access if I do. Of coarse I’m gonna be thinking wtf? He was accusing me of stealing shit, and didn’t want me on his property not too long ago. I respected that. But now suddenly he wants to supposedly “trust” me, and he’s all buddy buddy inviting me over for Thanksgiving and even invited me to sleep on the couch.I went along with it. Thinking, ya know? He probably thinks we’ll get back together, and yeah, I’m gonna disappoint him once again, because we’re not. My mind is flat out clear on that.

Anywho, this evening, I get to his place to visit the kids, and he thinks he can babble my ear off about sociology, the government, illuminati, ebola…jesus and shit etc,. No, I’m there to visit the kids, and matter of fact, they hate it when their father babbles on and on trying to take my attention from them. We did bicker a little about Jesus. Two different points of views. He’s a believer, I’m not. I don’t appreciate when someone tries to push their opinion on me, and yeah, I said ENOUGH! I’m not there to debate and argue. I’m there for the kids. But yeah, since when does he ever really think of them? Anyway, he was pretty sour for the rest of the evening.

During the whole visit, we weren’t allowed to do anything but stare at my ex’s flat screen t.v without him getting pissed off about it. I mean, even our son tried to play quietly with his toys, but no, my ex didn’t like the noise he was making. Okay Hitler! Apparently were not allowed to do shit. Our son asked if we could play outside, nope. That wasn’t allowed either. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed inside. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed outside. No tag. No running. No nothing.

He sent them up for their bath-time, and said I had to go. I was basically getting kicked out. Unusual because before he used to let me stay until the kids went to bed. Heck, last weekend, I was helping out with homework. Not this time. And I questioned his behavior, mentioned that he seemed kind of grumpy. He denied it, and I pointed out the tone of his voice and body language. He just said bye, and shut the door on my face. But sure enough, like the coward he is, he waits til I’m gone and sends a text message stating that he was ease-dropping on a conversation I had with my son. Yeah I said he was a grouch. My son mistook the word grouch for douche, and I said “yeah, his dad can be sometimes.” I was actually putting that pretty lightly considering. Anyone who knows me, him, this situation, or anyone who has been following my journey, would more than likely agree; He’s a full out douche bag.

I go through a lot of shit with that guy. A lot of unpleasant shit. Unnecessary shit. Too much shit.

I don’t care if he supposedly recorded my conversation. Good. I hope he listens to it over and over again, because it’s the truth. He’s a grouch, he’s lazy, and yeah I think he’s a douche. That’s pure honesty. I only put it lightly for our kids sake.

But whatever. He said it would be better off if we did pick ups and drop offs at Merrymount, that is if I’m still interested in the visits, they’ll be in touch. Taking those steps backwards again. Not only that, but he even texted me telling ME to not text or phone him anymore. Umm.. what?? He’s the one that’s been contacting me all week. Pointless text messages and phone calls about a printer, or a hooker harassing him, or people stealing things from his house, etc. Look at the crowd you surround yourself with! It hasn’t changed. Still addicts only interested in their next fix. Of coarse they’re going to steal from you. Ugh! Besides, I’d rather only have contact when necessary. I don’t want to hear from him during the week if it’s not an emergency regarding our children.I believe I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s not like he ever listens anyone.

So yeah, more flip flopping bullshit from my schizophrenic ex. My kids shouldn’t be in that environment with him, but they are.

One day, our kids will be old enough to make their own decision of where they want to be, and I doubt they will want to stay with him. It doesn’t really look like they enjoy it there. Especially if they are not allowed to play. Let alone have a parent put time aside to play WITH them.

Although, if things keep going the way they’re going, with the schools and whatnot, they’ll catch on soon enough. Or someone will. And he’ll lose the kids by his own doing. I’m not helping him no more. He’s on his own. If he loses the kids, he loses them. And I will fight whoever comes next for my access, wither it be C.A.S or a family placement. I have every right to see my kids. My ex is just being a power-tripping douche. Ya know? I tend to think if my ex loses our kids, so do I. But that’s not entirely true. I don’t know that. If he does lose our children, it could mean opportunity.

Thank you C.A.S, for putting my kids in such a horrible home. You gave him quite the ego boost. Freakin guy thinks he’s invisible and untouchable now.

Smh. This evening while watching t.v, he said he didn’t like selfish people that only think of themselves. I don’t think he has taken a real good look at himself within these last few years. But then again, he is probably too cowardly to do so. Heaven forbid his ego was a lie. – Pooks

“Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.” – Bonnie Myotai Treace

"You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar." - Pooks

“You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar. This blog is my sword of truth.” – Pooks

Into the Vault, Where it Belongs

Blogging twice this week, lucky you! I got to swoop up all my emotional/ personal status’s and tweets, and bring them all here, where I kind of treat this blog like a vault. Where all the shit goes.

I’ll start off by copying and pasting the conversation that turned my day upside down. I was fine, but then HE decided to freakin bother me over bullshit.

Ex: I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back (9:00am)
Me: They should be in her backpack. Wtf?! (11:05am)
Me: Or yellow no frills bag (11:05am)
Me: Sorry you had a rough morning. It’s got nothing to do with me (11:22am)
Ex: Grey pants and pink cammo pants. They are not here. We are going to make some changes. Your attitude sucks.(12:44pm)
Me: What? What did I do? I’m sorry you can’t find the clothes. I know I packed them in a plastic bag because I washed them (12:46pm)
Me: If any ones attitude sucks, it’s yours (12:48pm)

What upsets me most about this, is that he apologized a week or 2 ago for that incident that took place years ago of grabbing my throat and dragging me by the hair . He claims to take full responsibility of his actions. Silly me, thought he meant it this time, but then he turns around and does this, and threatens my access with my kids OVER CLOTHES!!! Can you be anymore fuckin psychotic?! Threatening my access with my kids. Wow. Just when I think things are okay, he turns around and shows me he’s still an abusive scumbag. By threatening my access with my kids, he is being PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE!!!

I cancelled my appointment with Leads today, I was feeling rather distraught about the psychological abuse taking place via text messaging. So since he threatened my access, which was a court order, I forwarded our conversation to my lawyer and gave him the heads up, just in case my ex does try to deny my access.

He says my attitude sucks. My attitude was fine until he text messaged me with this bullshit. Our daughter has plenty of clothes, why make a big deal over 2 pairs of pants? Unless you are looking for someone to take your shit on. I mean for starters, he couldn’t just have asked, ” Have you seen our daughters pants? They’re missing”. No. I get a straight up accusation that I must have them with his remark; “I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back.” Of coarse I’m going to be like; What the fuck?

So no, I’m not too happy today. Matter of fact, I’m feeling rather dark thanks to him.

He’s always showing me why it’s a mistake to forgive him, or give him the benefit of the doubt. He will always be an ass. I’ve got to remember that. Don’t believe a word he freakin says, he’ll just turn around and hurt you some more.

By the looks of it, I got that message around 9am. So he was probably late getting the kids to school looking for clothes. Which yes, I can picture him getting all pissy, and marching and stomping around,  roaring like a bear over that. Find her something else to wear, and move on. But no, if he’s not taking it out on our son, he’s gotta message me and take his shit out on me.

And this freakin spaz is what C.A.S thought was ideal for our kids. Wow. Dumb-asses! Our son witnesses his temper and is scared, and I get to endure in more psychological abuse. Just wonderful! Yeah, thanks for nothing. I guess they had to close our file because they were spending too much money on our case. Obviously not on the right things. But whatever, it’s not like I didn’t try to fight that, it was out of my control. This stupid society would rather my children live with that scumbag over me. No wonder I think people are stupid, for numerous reasons. Count that as one.

So I did take precautions, I e-mailed my lawyer, in case my ex tries anything, such as deny my access. I mean, this is ridiculous. I didn’t do shit, and bam! I get a hissy fit this morning. Dude, I’m just trying to wake up with my coffee and get out the door to an appointment!

And of coarse he tried that reverse psychology shit, saying I’m the one with the attitude problem. Yet I was fine, before he a)made an accusation b) used my kids as something to threaten me with and c) reverse psychology, and say I’m the one with the attitude. I mean, NOW I have an attitude. His bullshit fuckin wrecked my day. I have to sit here and wonder, and fear, if he’s actually going to deny my access this weekend. I didn’t do anything! AND MISSING CLOTHES ( that are probably just lost in his pig stye of a townhouse) IS A PRETTY LAME REASON TO CUT MY ACCESS!!! It’s not my fault he’s psychotic!

So excuse me, If I’m a bit dark, negative and bitter for the remainder of the day. This whole freakin thing is nonsense! I’m in no mood for his bullshit, and I just stopped replying to his text messages. I don’t need his bullshit, just because he had a rough morning. Sorry I ever forgave and gave him the benefit of the doubt. A mistake I must stop making. FUCK HIM! He’ll always be an ass.

I don’t think the psychological abuse is ever going to end. It’s ongoing. So ladies, do NOT have children with an abusive prick! At least try to find out who you are with before you make that mistake. – Pooks

“I know that it’s easier to look at death than it is to look at pain, because while death is irrevocable, and the grief will lessen in time, pain is too often merely relentless and irreversible.”- Robert Goolrick

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