Precious Flower

I guess it’s time for this week’s blog post eh?
I’ll start with some failed drama that I found rather amusing. When was it? Last Friday? Yeah, anyways, I had gotten some crazy private messages on Facebook from a woman I don’t even know. So who is she? Turns out shes a friends mother, and this friend visits me and my partner at least once a week. I don’t mind. It gives my man his man time, because for the remainder of the week, there’s just me, him, and 3 female shiatsu’s. So he’s surrounded by estrogen. Haha!
Anyways, the messages were pretty outrageous. But then again, my partner has been very open with me, and has told me of her before. He met her years ago at Pathways. She’s basically a cougar that has a thing for him. And as far as these messages go, she was attempting to start shit. Saying that my man was spreading rumours of having a threesome with her. Umm… She wishes. What else? Because my man’s ex stole something from her, I’m not welcome to her home and not trusted. Umm… okay? First off, I’m not his ex, or anything like her. His ex sounds psychotic and kinda butchy. But whatever. No loss there. I don’t really know this woman that was apparently trolling my Facebook, and probably noticed whom I am in a relationship with. So yeah, I think she’s just jealous. Can’t blame her, I do have a sexy man. Haha!
He was worried this drama would effect our relationship, but nope. I reassured him that I believe in him, and what he tells me is the truth. Plus he’s told me numerous times how he feels about dating older people, he doesn’t agree with it. Sure, I am older, by 3 years, but we’re both in our 30’s. He’s not interested in someone that is old enough to be his mother basically. Lol So yeah. So not stressing over that. I just found it amusing how she thought trolling my Facebook and sending me messages would possibly change things. I mean she even said something along the lines that my man better not go crying to her when I break up with him. As far as I’m aware, we’re about to have a baby together, and we’re both on the same page of making our relationship work.
Anyways, I showed the messages she had sent me to my man, and to her son. Both of them were just like; wow, what the the fuck? Her son advised me to block her, saying I don’t need that bullshit, especially being 9 months pregnant. So I did. Poof! She’s gone from harassing the Pooks. Communication is key. 😉
So yeah. Once again, another woman that can’t respect a couples relationship. Smh.
On to other things. According to the doctor at my last appointment, I could be going into labour any day now. For the most part I feel ready. I mean, I’ve been meeting up with a doula, and has been giving me some ideas of things to do during contractions. Things I’ve never tried before, and could make the birth go more smoothly. Before I was just kinda on my back with my legs spread during the whole labour, focused on my doctors instructions. This time could be a little different. Plus, since it’s my man’s first time ever experiencing child birth, having a doula there for support can come in handy for him too. To help him calm down if he gets anxious, overwhelmed, or freaks out. Lol
I had an ultrasound yesterday, and once again our baby kept it’s legs closed. Modest, and stubborn little thing. Lol Anyways, the lady that was giving me the ultrasound said that she isn’t 100% sure, but she thinks we’re having a girl. ❤

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I’m kinda jumping all over the place. Umm… over the weekend my daughter was over. She gave me some belated valentine’s cards that she made. My favorite is the minion.

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My man even took us to the Kinsmen Fanshawe Sugar Bush. We got to go on a horse buggy ride tour. I was impressed with the volunteers there. They knew their stuff, and even brought up some Ojibwe heritage/ history, which I found quite respectful.  So yeah, needless to say, I was thoroughly impressed to see they did their research. Not only that, but I noticed that some of the proceeds they make through donations go to supporting the Ark Aid Street Mission. Yaaaay!! It’s like a family outing that is giving back to muh peeps! 🙂

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My daughter was a little rude to my man afterwards. That whole step dad thing. He tried to give her souvenirs from the Kinsmen Fanshawe Sugar Bush. But she rejected it.
She opened up and said her dad had a step dad, and he wasn’t a good man. Well no he wasn’t. He was a pedophile. But not all step parents are bad people.
So yeah, clearly still got some work to do.
It was my idea to go to the Sugar Bush to do something together. So that maybe my kids ( or in this case, just my daughter) can get to know my man better. It was a good attempt, but yeah. Things are still a bit bumpy. Normally my man keeps himself busy over the weekend with chores and whatnot, while I have my visit.
With Spring and Summer around the corner, that might get us out of the house more and doing things together more often. Gradually of coarse, because we’ll have a baby with us.
That’s another thing. I haven’t been to the New School of Colour for a couple weeks now. However I may make an attempt this evening. Fingers crossed that I don’t go into labour while I’m out and about. Haha! But yeah, I was talking to the facilitator via text messages, and I was surprised that he would be willing to try to get the New School of Colour hours changed so that they better fit my schedule after my baby is born. So rather than having evening sessions, possibly switching to afternoon sessions. I was also surprised by how welcomed my baby is. I mean, I’ve overheard artists in the past talk about children attending the Ark Aid Street Mission location of the New School of Colour, and they weren’t too fond of the idea. So it did have me concerned about me bringing in a baby, which can be more chaotic than 3 little girls. But yeah, it’s cool to see I have support from a place I cherish. He said it’s actually expected that I bring my baby. So yeah, how awesome is that?! My baby will be surrounded by creativity. ❤

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Anyways, what else? My man gets to be the boss so to speak for the next two weeks at work. That’s so awesome that he’s being trusted with such a huge responsibility. Kinda weird in a way too, because now the tables have turned, and it’s his dad asking him what to do. Not that long ago it was the other way around. So yeah, I’m very proud of my man. He’s doing amazing. 🙂
Anyways, that’s enough blogging for today. I’m going to miss hugging my belly, but soon I’ll be hugging my baby.
This pregnancy has been very pleasant. I’m relaxed, and happy. I think I have my partner to thank for that. I’m not all insecure. How can I be when my man compliments me everyday? I am always reassured that I am his precious flower. Lol I used to call myself a flower whenever I wore dresses, which is really rare. And if I got rained on, I would rant and say “I AM NOT A FLOWER! ” Lol Silliness.
Anyways, thanks for reading! Much love- Pooks

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Demolition

I know I have been blogging a lot this week, but I’ve been going through an extreme amount of emotions lately, and yeah. Today I just feel that it is important to do an update so that the people that sincerely care for my well being don’t worry.

So straight off the top, my man and I worked things out. It may have taken days. But I’m not exactly the easiest person to get through to when I’m angry. Thankfully he never gave up on this relationship, or this little family we are becoming.

Also, thanks to a friend that I’ve spoken to who has years of experience within a relationship, and dealing with quarrels within a relationship, ya know? I was given a different way to approach this situation. I mean, a lot of the advice I was getting was to call the police to get him out of my house. But that doesn’t solve the real issue. I basically had to face my fear of confrontation. I mean, normally I’m used to people cutting me off while I’m speaking, or people raising their voice over mine to drown my voice out, or things explode like past abusive violent situations, in past relationships, or even my childhood. If I say no to something, or disagree with something, heaven forbid. But it turns out, none of that happened. My man was respectful, we took turns saying what needed to be said. We cleared the air so to speak.

He’s willing to kick alcohol to the curb, cold turkey. Not for me. It’s his choice. He has been making an effort to cut down, and he has…but he’s even going to take that further and quit, for the sake of the child I’m carrying. Plus, he noticed most issues arise because of alcohol or whatever, and he’s done. He cares for me and our family more than he does for alcohol.

As for this other woman, that was kinda meddling with our relationship. That clearly has no respect for our relationship, because she has a thing for him. Well, we both decided to cut her out of our lives. My man came to the realization that no, his “god-child” is not HIS child. HIS child is the one in my womb. That is whom he is responsible for. He said he only was there for the god-child, he doesn’t agree with the way this woman parents her, and he feels sorry for that kid. But that’s not his problem or responsibility.

When it comes to this other woman, the way I see it. She has known my man for years. Long before I came along. She had plenty of time to swoop him up, but didn’t. So why wait until he’s happy in a relationship to be all like; “oh my god, I got a crush on this man”?!  Like seriously, ughhh…

I mean, yeah, the reason my man and I met in the first place was because this woman invited both me, and my boyfriend ( who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time) to her daughters birthday party years ago. My man said the moment he saw me there, he knew he wanted to be with me. He was all like; “Who is that…?!” Lol

Anyways, apparently this isn’t the first relationship she’s fucked with. I guess another relationship my man was in ended because of her. But he’s not going to let that happen this time.

So that resolves that. She’s gone. The alcohols gone. We can move on, hopefully with less drama. I mean, yes, problems will arise. And we will have to face those in the future, whatever they may be.

It may have taken me days to realize that, yes, it’s safe to communicate with him. He’s not gonna go all bat-shit crazy. He will actually sit down and talk to me, and try to sort things out with me. So yeah, he’s different than what I’m used to. He’s clearly proven that, and that’s good.

Yes we both have our insecurities, but he’s better at controlling his than I am of mine. But with his help, and with the help of my awesome friends who were there, I think we can overcome anything.

My friend was right, I wouldn’t have been so mad, if I didn’t care. Lol

As for C.A.S, my man reassured me, we’ll be ready when and if they come around.

So yeah, all those crazy fears that I had have been completely demolished. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but it has been demolished by love. I can move on feeling grateful, blessed, and confident that things are going to be okay.

Anyways, on with my day. Today I see my children at 4pm, and yeah. Thank goodness they don’t have to see a sad momma, just the happy one their used to seeing. Thank you for reading. Peace and Love – Pooks

“Lovers alone wear sunlight.”- E.E Cummings

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

How we can REALLY stop the stigma faced by those who are homeless and in poverty #ldnont

Despite all the criticism she’s been getting from people that are supposedly “higher up” on the social and economic scale, I admire Melly for standing up for what she believes in, and using her voice AND social media in a positive way to send out a powerful message. One that I don’t think should be disregarded when it comes to homelessness and poverty. So with that being said, Go Melly! I love ya chicky! And I love your persistence and determination. Be the salmon against that current of those that try to silence you. Hugs! – Pooks

Mel's Life

Sorry for the rants and such… just sick of people’s close-mindedness and selfish comments lately. I mean, here I am, not being paid by anyone or any organization to stand up for those in our community that can’t stand up for themselves, and I’m faced with the NIMBY attitude of the people in this city on an almost-daily basis. It’s sickening, and as I said in my post, I won’t stand down or back down from people who think they hold power over me for any reason.
I stand with and for many of the people I’ve met along the way of my 10+ years of being street level, homeless, and impoverished. I stand for the people who have died before being able to see a change happen in the eyes of society.
The real solution to the stigma, issue, crisis, epidemic, whatever you want to call it, is for…

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Big Difference

This post won’t be very long…at least that’s what I think at the moment.
I am not feeling well.  My doctor prescribed me some antibiotics that either make me vomit, or give me diarrhea.  No fun. Plus the new batch of meds gives me a sore stomache. Bluuuh!
So yeah. I will try to write something. Even though I currently feel like shit.
I suppose the odours the puppies leave on the carpet doesn’t help. I tend to become sensitive to smells when I am pregnant.
Anyways, I had a bit of a scare that made me go to Emerge on Monday evening.  The fear of another miscarriage.  But nope.  All is well, and I am just starting to feel the side effects of the antibiotics I was prescribed last week.
It never fails.  At some point in my pregnancies, I wind up with a UTI. Anyways, I was prescribed even more antibiotics to cope with some of the irritation I was experiencing.
So yay to another week of these unpleasant side effects. Mostly vomiting, and diarrhea.  TMI, I know. But this is my blog, and I write whatever the fuck I want. Mostly, my reality. My truth.
Other than feeling like shit lately, my man and I made an attempt to get my children outdoors last weekend to go fishing at Westminster Ponds. However, no luck with the fish. And my children are so urbanized, they complained majority of the time. They’d rather be home and indoors on a beautiful day…or every day for that matter.  It gets a bit frustrating.  But then again, I was raised in a small town out in butt fuck nowhere.  Compared to my children, growing up in the city. Big difference.
I find people that live in the city relate fun to consumption.  In order to have fun, money must be spent.  Whether it’s shopping at malls, going to the movies, etc etc. Up north, you made your own fun, and rarely costed a thing, just the use of your imagination. Ahem, if you recall, I was the strange kid chasing my shadow.
Heck, even for adults. Alcohol is pushed on so many young adults as entertainment.  Drink on the weekends.  Or drink when your off work. Consume. Consume. Buy buy buy!! But that’s the world and civilization of Capitalism.  Ugh. And yet still, so many people can’t see it. It’s become the norm. What we’ve become accustomed to. It’s like the use of a creative imagination is getting wiped out.
My man lectures me about Capitalism, and conformity.  Well..not really lectures. But he talks about it, a lot, to get his point across. And says that he doesn’t like Capitalism, but unfortunately we have to conform a bit in order to get the things that we want or need with money. For example; a house, a car, etc. That’s just the way the world is.  Yes, he’d rather barter, and live off the land.  But in order to obtain land, you need money.
I usually bite my tongue during these discussions, because I believe conformity is a mental illness. It’s flat out brainwashing. I refuse to let people or organizations tell me what and how to think. Hence my struggles with most organizations and institutions throughout my life time.
If we all think and do the same, nothing changes. I know defiance is looked down upon, but it is those that deviate that make history. Not the sheep.
I see it repeatedly when I look at the artists I admire. The ones that didn’t conform to please others. They knew they were different and owned it.
So yeah, when my man says things like I need to present myself in a certain manner to certain family members that are more conservative.  It is not I that needs to change. But their perspective that does. I am an artist.  I can be somewhat eccentric at times, and that will just have to be accepted.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my man. We have a lot in common, but also have some differences in opinions, obviously.  Especially when it comes to conformity. But that’s okay. Because for some reason he met me, and for some reason I met him. We have a lot to learn from each other.
Last night we got into a bit of conflict..regarding weed, alcohol, Capitalism, and me being too quiet.  Ya know? It seems like I know more about him than he does about me. But then again, he’s one of those people that can babble on and on about themselves. I just listen. If you want me to speak, than ya gotta learn to shut up and listen once in a while. But yeah.  Whatever. Apparently alot of people are like that. My kind is rare.
So yeah. Not perfect.  Some times things get rocky. We clearly got some things to work on. – Pooks

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The Seed

Well this is the first time I’ve blogged from my cellphone.  So yaaaay! I get to see how the app works.
Anyways, this post won’t be too long. Just big news so to speak.
Last weekend I had to cancel my visit with my children because my arthritis was flaring up in my lower spine, and yeah I really couldn’t move too much. Thank my man for being a sweetheart and being there for me.
Thankfully I am feeling much better. But over the weekend I noticed that the fresh tar on the parking lot that just got redone recently by my mans apartment, turned my stomach. I felt nauseous and it was making me gag.
Well…the last time I had been that sensitive to odours and smells was when I was pregnant. So, my man and I talked, and decided that I need to see a doctor.
My man and I had a few serious discussions about it since. Ultimately it is up to me, and whatever I choose, he will support me.
We’ve been officially together only for a couple months, but known eachother for a couple of years now. And financially, a child would be a struggle, I haven’t found a job yet.
Anyways, I went to my family doctor, and yup. My test came back positive. Since the final decision was still undecided, I told them that I needed to talk to my partner more. At the time, he was at work. So they gave me a number to a clinic, in case I do decide to abort.
The last time I had that option, was with my oldest son. Clearly I couldn’t do it then. And I don’t think I can do it now.
So yeah, I had some serious decisions to make.
Yeah it would be nice to wake up without morning sickness, seems like I’m constantly nauseous.  But my man seems genuinely excited to possibly become a father.
Yeah, there are some concerns, such as C.A.S returning into my life as soon as they find out the news. But if I remember their words exactly, “I am no longer a concern.”
Anyways, as I sit here I am considering of going forward, and calling my doctor to book an ultrasound.  Take a leap of faith.
Besides, everything happens for a reason. Life has a funny way of throwing some curve balls. It’s how you handle the situation that counts.
I have faith that things will be different this time around with my man. We haven’t faught yet, probably because we are pretty good at listening to each other and communicating. I am so grateful for that.
So yeah, it’s been 7 years since I had my last child, and here I am preggers.
Another thing I was thinking about. I am not getting any younger. I’m 32 years old, going onto 33 very soon. I’m not sure when I will hit menopause. But if I am going to have another child, best to do it while my body can still handle that shit. Ya know?
So there you have it. That’s the news. Pooks is pregnant, and I feel pretty confident I’ll have the support I need this time around. – Pooks

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Not Your Number 2 (continued…)

Blogging again, after some communication, thinking and analyzing regarding my own personal love life. But I will get back to that shortly…

I have an amazing bestie that took me for a girls day out today. I think it was very much needed, and I found it refreshing.

We went to Masonville Mall, browsed through some stores, drank some tea, and went to see the movie “Spy” at Silvercity. Awesome movie by the way. I totally recommend it. Jason Statham was the best! Loved him in that movie!

Anyways, after the movie we went for one of our epic long walks. There’s always something random that happens during our walks, or we see amazing shit. For instance, we saw 6 deers, and I swear that was the closest I’ve ever been to any deer. It was just on the other side of the fence at the cemetery. It was definitely a breath taking moment. Had we gone another route as planned, we would have missed that opportunity and experience all together.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So yeah, it’s been an awesome day and night. We didn’t get back to our neighborhood until 3am. Which is the usual time for one of our crazy late night walks. Ya know? When we walk, we WALK. As in a great distance. The goal is a Timmies coffee, and of coarse, good exercise. Mission accomplished, plus some laughs along the way.

So yes, thanks to her for inviting me out. I feel honoured that she thought of, and chose me to chill with on her day off.

Now, onto my love life. On my last blog post a friend commented and said that there still might be hope for this one. Well…she may be right.

There could have been some misunderstanding, and well… I have the tendency to take things personally. My own doubts and insecurities could have blinded me.

So yeah, we both kinda got shook up when it came down to his ex texting him.

And after some thought, I understand that he would want to change his surroundings if they give him flashbacks of a traumatic experience.

Thinking of my own experience of an assault, I was fortunate enough to have moved from where the assault had taken place. Ya know? So I can only imagine what it is like for him. He’s still in the same environment, same surroundings, so the flash backs must be on a constant replay.

Silly me for thinking that he kept bringing her up because he still had feelings for her. Wrong! Ahem, that was my insecurities kicking in.

I’m not exactly the most confident person. A lot of the time, I think other girls are much better and more attractive than myself. But maybe that’s to be expected from a person whom has experienced a shit load of verbal abuse and psychological abuse within my life time.

Anyways, we’ve been communicating via. text messaging, and plan to talk it out in person. Through text messaging he’s told me that he does want to be with me. He wants to be a part of my life, and my childrens lives. He’s over his ex, and wants nothing to do with her. Hence why he wants to get rid of any reminders of her. He wants to move on and start a new chapter in his life with me. He sounds very sincere. Especially since he has been making positive changes in his life suitable for a family. My family. My kids and I. He kinda blew me away when he said I was everything he’s been looking for, and that he has wanted to be with me since the first time he saw me. That was 3 years ago. Sensitive little me, kinda got all teary eyed. I was wrong, and my insecurities hurt him when really he needed my support.

So yeah, that’s where things stand at the moment. Hopefully we can work things out, and get through this together. I do have a habit of pushing people away, and running the moment I feel any emotional pain. It doesn’t help that I take things so personally. But yeah, the time and space has helped me think outside myself, and to try to imagine his perspective.

So there still might be some hope for this relationship after all, and it might not be entirely over yet. He clearly hasn’t given up on me, and that means a lot.  – Pooks

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”

– Daniel Goleman 

Observations of an Idealist

Okie dokie. Blog day!

I think I’ll start off with some thoughts here and there that I have been thinking about. One recent, one I jotted down on paper. Then I’ll review and reflect on my week. Here it goes…

So I went to The Ark for dinner ( I’m saving the food I have at home for my kids), and Sanctuary was volunteering. I don’t know who was the volunteer wearing the dark grey sweater, red shirt, and red ball cap, but he was just being a dink. An elderly man that usually comes down to the New School of Colour to socialize asked for shrimp, and not the pasta. They were mixed together in a pasta salad. Anyway, this guy was like, “Really?” Then he was trying to tell the other volunteer to not to serve him. Or only give him 2 shrimps. Really?!! You’re gonna deny a guy in need of food?! And did you ever think that maybe there is a reason some of the people specifically ask for one thing and not the other? Some people do that if they have allergies!! No need to be stingy . There’s not many people there at this time of month, so there is plenty to go around!! Yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that guy. Luckily for this respected regular, I gave him the shrimp I got because I don’t normally eat shrimp. Not a fan of the texture. Newho, he appreciated that and chowed down.

Moving on…to the things I wrote down on paper… let me find my notes. Yes. I actually wrote some notes this time! Haha!

I was thinking how some online activists say they don’t, or won’t, post meaningless, worthless posts like “you” do. They normally say that when someone has a different perspective aside from their own. There is a flaw in that. I mean they are trying to reach the people, but abuse and belittle the people instead. So what they are trying to achieve is compromised by behaving just like the people they are fighting against, the capitalists.

I mean, FB posts, tweets, whichever social media you use, those are your thoughts or things you relate to that you share. So they do have sentimental value. Your thoughts matter, and anyone  that says they don’t are wrong and pig-headed. Shame on these activists for being so bias, for thinking they are better, smarter and superior than others based on what they post via social media.

Besides, majority of these online activists don’t really share their thoughts or interpretations, they just share articles. Thus, being an echo of someone else’s thoughts that is not their own.

Not to mention, if they were so “intelligent”, than they would at least notice their own behavior as abusive and non-effective. But they just keep repeating the same bullshit whenever someone disagrees with their opinion.

They act like the religious organizations, and other social institutions, as they try to force their thoughts to become your thoughts. There is no respect or acceptance for anyone that may question or think differently.

That is a huge problem in this world, and they aren’t making it any better.

Perhaps these activists need to take a different approach regarding communication if they really want to make a difference. Is behaving like your enemy going to get you the results you desire? No. Just the continuation of this vicious violent abusive cycle. Not very peaceful, is it?

Hence why I backed out of activism, especially around here. There must be a better way to reach others without force and abuse.

I can only hope the things I do in my life-time inspire others to do some kind of positive action.

Language, verbal, and written communication does have it’s barriers. We don’t all speak the same native tongue. And online or text communication often leads to a lot of misunderstandings. But as an artist, I know one form of communication that is universal, and that is through imagery. Which is probably why I’d rather put more focus into my art, than be another ranting online activist trying to shove my opinion down your throats.

Yeah, I once admired their efforts, and their cause, but after so many abusive interactions, I’ve had enough. That is not progress. Besides, The best thing for me, or anyone really,  is to take myself out of abusive situations. Until they see that for themselves, and try something different, than no progress will be made.

Besides, I like to post whatever the fuck I want via. social media. Not just bad news. I like to think of myself as silly, fun, and spontaneous like a Jester. I can make people laugh, smile, lift spirits, and inspire. I feel like I lose that part of me focusing only on the negatives in this world. There are positive things too, you just need to seek them out.

Yes, the Capitalists are sick, twisted, greedy scum. But I won’t allow their bullshit to turn me into a bitter person. I know I am stronger than that.

Now onto my review of my week… the personal life of Pooks.

I should probably start off with last Friday, when I had a 4 hour visit with my children outdoors. It was a cold day, but I think we did our best to make the best of it. We tried go park hopping, but that didn’t quite work out. I didn’t have the proper footwear to be out on a field of wet grass. Cold wet feet, not good. So instead, we went into the conservation area. It was less cold in there since the trees kind of sheltered us from the wind. The paths were mostly ice, so I didn’t have to worry about getting a soaker. We had fun, chasing each-other down the trails.

Saturday, that was soup and sandwich night at The Ark. I went there the friend I’ve reunited with. Somewhere within the week, we went a couple walks downtown. We even went for this long hike for Vanilla Coke, but got mocha’s instead. I’ve missed her over the years, and it’s good to have her back in my life. It’s good to have my walking buddy back, and we just go on random adventures. It’s always fun.

On Tuesday, during a Leads appointment, we were figuring out what kind of learner I am. Which I think I am both a hands on, and visual learner. I also did a personality test, and once again my result was… the Idealist. INFP- Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling Perceiving. Not surprised. That’s result I get for every personality test I do. I believe that’s the same result I got 2-3 years ago. Still the same! If your interested on reading the portrait of an INFP, the link is provided below ( It makes me laugh because I do in fact relate to the result) :

https://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

In the possible career selection for an INFP, it listed the following jobs; Writers, Counselors/Social Workers, Teachers/ Professors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Musicians, Clergy/Religious Workers. It makes sense with the writer thing. Heck, I’m blogging right now. Umm.. my worker suggested maybe to try teaching, but yeah, I said I don’t feel courageous or confident enough for that yet. I’m not very good at explaining things vocally, let alone to a crowd. Large crowds usually give me anxiety. I don’t think I can do the psychologist, or psychiatric thing, I would be absorbing too much negativity. And yeah, that’s never pretty. Haha! A social worker? maybe, that depends. For what cause? Hahaha! So yeah, some possibilities to ponder.

After my Leads appointment, a friend took me out for lunch to Crabby Joe’s. That was a nice way to spend the afternoon. Thanks to my friend that took me out that day!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm… Lately at the New School of Colour, I haven’t really been working on my painting, but more so learning from others. This week an artist came in and showed me how to do this really neat effect with ink, and a glossy coating for texture. The result was amazing!

Art by Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Art by Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

That is not the only thing I’ve been learning this week. But another artist from the New School of Colour is actually walking me through step by step on how to measure and cut the matte boards for framing instead of doing it for me. I get to learn how to do it myself…kinda. I kinda messed up the first time, but hey, that’s how we learn, trial and error. Haha! I’m starting to get that it isn’t really that technical, mostly fractions. I’m not that great at math, but hey, it’s good practice.

Afterwards I hung out at a friends apartment, along with another friend. We talked about art, and had a lot of laughs. It was a very inspiring night.

Today I was running errands in the rain, and I got myself new shoes. I had to get my shopping done before all the grocery stores close for the Easter holidays. So yes, I am prepared for this coming weekend when my kids spend a night over. I am looking forward to another awesome weekend!

Newho, this blog post is very very long. Apparently I had a lot to share. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading! – Pooks

“Living in a way that reflects one’s values is not just about what you do, it is also about how you do things.” – Deborah Day

The Energy Persists

After waiting for  a month, almost, I finally did see my kids on February 28th. So that was awesome.

When I was trying to hook that up and get a hold of Merrymount, there were a few more hoops to jump so to speak. I tried e-mailing a worker there, but I just got an automated e-mail stating that they were out of the office and not checking e-mails until later in March. So I tried calling, but there wasn’t enough time on my phone to make the call. So I decided to send a text to their land-line and hoped that would go through. Luckily for me, it did. So yaaay! I got to see muh babies, Merrymount got the message, passed it along to my ex, and I had an awesome weekend with my kids.

I made it to my Leads appointment, and we talked about planning, among other things. Thanks to my worker I don’t feel so bad not being able to handle activism, and she’s right, we are lucky to have the people we do that can handle it. She also brought it to my attention that I do have my own little way of helping others. For example, when I donate my art to fund raise for families in need (or other causes I support) , or to help out non-profit organizations, that is my own way of helping others.

I am grateful to have people that care, and get concerned during my spouts of depression. Even a kind stranger ( that I met on Twitter) that lives somewhere else on the globe checked up on me to make sure I was okay. I appreciate that. No matter how many times life knocks me down, I always get back up. Even if some times it takes me longer than other times. I am resilient like that. So no worries, I am okay, and my state of mind is in a much better place than it has been.

My Leads worker asked if I would consider getting prescription drugs regarding my anxiety and depression. But I don’t think she knows how I feel about prescription drugs. Why fuck up my internal  organs to numb myself like a zombie? I believe there is something to learn from these intense emotions, and if I’m all drugged up and numbing myself, I’m not really learning, understanding, or evolving from it. So yeah, I would much rather go through it (no matter how much it sucks sometimes), or find ways to cope with it naturally. Which I have learned some techniques from past councilors and psychiatrists. I just need to remember to put those things into practice.

Anyways onto other things, a couple weeks ago, a New School of Colour veteran returned to the New School of Colour, Geoff. This past Monday, another New School of Colour Veteran returned, Marshall. So it’s been pretty cool catching up with some familiar faces from the past. Us artists always return to the New School of Colour at one point or another. I mean hey, look at me. No matter how many times I left, I always find myself making my way back. It is a very special place, even though friendships change, people change, the energy there remains the same. And despite our differences between some of us, we still co-exist like one big family growing with each-other through the changes.

On Tuesday, after my Leads appointment I went out for lunch with another New School of Colour artist, Brian. After lunch we went to check out the art gallery, Art with Panache. Audrey did a wonderful job walking us through the gallery, talking about the artists and their work. Who knows. Maybe one day I might have some art pieces in there. It is something to consider, even though I was told the common viewers are conservatives, that is a little intimidating, but I won’t let that stop me. I also noticed a lot of the art there are nature scenes, and my art doesn’t quite fit that genre. My stuff is more surreal, and dark, but it would definitely stand out. Haha! So yeah, maybe in the near future I’ll grab a few pieces of work to hang in there.

This evening was the first Wednesday New School of Colour art session we had in awhile. There was a small group of us, and most of us gathered around one table, it was nice. We had fun.

Considering my ex didn’t get my message through my blog regarding that one visit on a Friday, maybe he finally fucked off. So yaaay! It sucked I didn’t get to see my kids, but maybe this obsessive ex of mine finally got the point, I am never returning to that shit relationship. So it’s been kind of a relief that he didn’t get the message I posted through my blog.

Anyways, I did some running around today getting some paperwork handed into housing. Just when I think it’s complete, nope. There’s still more I got to do. So more running around tomorrow. Oh well. It gets this hermit out of the house. I guess it’s good to get out sometimes.

I apologize if you’ve been waiting to see a post from me. Sorry to keep you waiting. For the most part, my perspective has shifted, I am more optimistic lately, and focusing a lot more on my passion, art.

That reminds me, next Monday I will be meeting with two nursing students that are currently in charge of the New School of Colours online stuff, via social media. Apparently I’ve been assigned to be on board, and will be one of the admins that contributes. I think I have experience in that area. I’ve managed to spread my artist alias, and art, all over social media. I think I can do the same for the New School of Colour. So that’s a pretty cool opportunity. Thank you Jeremy Jeresky.

Newho, I think that is all I will be writing today. Things are good and I am happy. Thank you for reading. – Pooks

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Feel my fuckin Rage

Yes I’m blogging again. Mainly because I am upset and pissed off.

Not that long ago, I went to check my bank account, so I can at least try to budget for my visits with my kids. But no no no, apparently I’m slapped in the face with more bullshit. If someone is not asking for more money, someone is helping themselves to the money in my bank account directly and leaving me with practically nothing.

I am referring to the National Student Loan Centre. Yes, thanks to them I was forced to e-mail Merrymount and cancel the remainder of my visits with my children for the rest of the month because I can no longer afford food or transportation. Since they only left me with $23.00, I decided to say fuck it. They blew it for me this month, and I might as well just blow the rest, I’m not going to be able to stretch that. Ya know? I am pissed. Thanks a fuckin lot.

Sure there are food banks and soup kitchens, but my son specifically requested not to take him to a soup kitchen again, and surround him with “hobo’s“. So that option is out. I try to tell my son not to be so bias towards homeless people, and to stop calling them “hobo’s”. I mean, both his father and I are on welfare, were not much higher in this supposed social status bullshit. We’re basically looked down upon on the same freakin level, but he’s a kid, and doesn’t quite understand that. I try to tell him they are people too.

I took my kids to a church dinner once. It was a breakfast at All Saints Cathedral. If I didn’t, they would have missed a meal, and I try my best to at least feed them 2 lunches, 1 dinner, and 1 breakfast during their stay over. Had I not taken to that meal, they would have gone hungry for about 4 hours.

So if soup kitchens are out of the question, and Food Banks only give me food for one person, because I don’t have joint custody, and the kids names are not on my OW stub. I’m kinda screwed. I can fend for myself, but I don’t really think there is any other choice but to cancel the remainder of my visits for February. I’d hate to have to do it. I know my kids will be upset, they will miss me, and I will miss them.

Earlier this evening I was taking pictures of myself on my daughters camera holding a piece of paper saying “I love you.” I was looking forward to surprising her with that the next time she played with her camera. But I guess that surprise will have to wait until March.

I hate your monetary fuckin fascist system. Let’s steal from the poor! I hope one day soon the people will rise up and burn your world to the fuckin ground! Burn the banks. Burn the places they work if they have to, if that’s what it takes to destroy this illusion. I hope it all burns! The schools, the churches, the political buildings, government buildings, police stations, RCMP buildings, and whatever else it fuckin takes in order tear this shit down.

Some foolish activists think they can overcome this system with peace and love. No you idiots! Peace is the goal, not the solution. The freakin capitalists are laughing at your lame peaceful attempts that don’t do shit. If we want something new. Then we need to destroy what’s already there, in order to create and become what we are truly capable of. But people don’t get that. Yeah, we will need to embrace some chaotic, dark times, in order to get to the light we envision. Yeah, people will have to mentally let go of all the rules and barriers, let the world become their playground and destroy this prison. Set themselves free. But like I said, not everyone can see that.

Heck, I got into a dispute yesterday with some activists on FB for sticking up for a favorite fictional character of mine, Harley Quinn. Minus the abuse between her and the Joker, I love how they just run a muck in the city. They are not controlled by a system, they have no strings holding them back. Not to mention, I believe the Joker burning a huge stack of money sent a powerful message to activists. That imagery was a massive eye opener. Why do you think the Joker is so popular?

Anyways, apparently because I said “don’t diss Harley Quinn” ( on her post bitching about 50 Shades of Grey) , this blond, blue eyed wannabe Aniishaanabe (that itself is a fuckin joke, and kind of insulting. Why isn’t INM making a stink about that? I mean, if costumes are offensive, why isn’t this wannabe offensive?) activist accused me of criticizing her. But then again, anyone with a different opinion that is not her own, she labels as “You people” “One of them”, If you don’t agree with her, you’re an enemy kind of bullshit. So I said that with that kind of attitude, her little FB revolution won’t get anywhere. I mean, if she’s gonna label, categorize, and draw imaginary lines between people, you might as well be a fuckin Capitalist. Just saying. So no. I don’t believe in her when she tries to portray herself as some kind of leader, or prophet that will lead the people to “freedom”. I mean, she can’t even communicate effectively. How do you expect to lead people if you can’t communicate? Instead, she tried to wait until I was gone. She waited a good 10 minutes, and when she thought the coast was clear, she tried to speak about me behind my back to her audience making herself look victimized. Trying to say I was criticizing HER, when really, I said don’t diss Harley Quinn. Which I don’t believe that is at all criticizing to her. Dumb ass. Then she lets someone else fight her battle for her. Yeah, total Harper move there. So yeah, I don’t know who the fuck she’s kidding, but it ain’t me. What a crock of shit. Can you say delusional?! I mean, she has it in her head that shes Daenerys of Game of Thrones. Haha! You wish. Not even close. I don’t think Daenerys whines and bitches as much as she does. Let alone plays victim whenever someone has an opposing opinion. Revolution my ass. Leader my ass. Clearly her ego took over, and yeah she’s no better than what we fight against. So yeah, fail! That’s the way I see it, drawing those imaginary lines separating people, turning on her own. Yeah bravo! You turned into your own enemy.

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster.” – Friedrich Nietzsche.

Anyways, I decided to delete and block her  toxic ass from my FB. Suddenly my timeline is a lot more peaceful without her negativity. She was just a troll anyways that thinks I won’t notice that she gets some material from here to turn into a status to criticize. I mean that’s how our whole dispute started, I asked her if there is anything she doesn’t criticize with my defense for Harley Quinn. Ahem, those that don’t know,  huge jester fan here. And of coarse she listed stuff off, Blah, blah, blah, all that is good…making herself out to be some kind of saint. Yeah. Bullshit. I don’t believe anyone is a fuckin saint, nice try though.

So yeah, more dampers on my faith in humanity and the revolution. Unless people grow some balls and burn shit down, enjoy your never ending slavery.

Apparently the beginning of the years bumpy road has not ended yet. So excuse me if I just feel like saying FUCK YOU ALL – Pooks

“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”

– Terrence McKenna

Into an Abyss of Withdrawal

Honestly, I did not want to write today. But here I am writing anyways. It is just something I have to do. I can’t really explain it, but it is a part of what I am. A passion I can’t let slide no matter how depressed I may be feeling. It is a part of my purpose.

So now you know depression is the issue here. I didn’t want to write and just be a total downer. I’m not one to burden others with my shit. In person, as far as you know; “I’m fine.”

I guess a lot has hit me all at once over the holidays. A supposed best-friend rejects and kicks me to the curb just before Christmas for being “too offensive”. For being too honest. I guess people only say they respect and want honesty until they actually get it.

But then again, this is a person that has flat out told me she doesn’t like and only tolerates this other artist that paints hockey logos. Or as I referred to as the cock-eyed red head. But on Monday, there she is pretending to be all buddy buddy with her. Wow! Bravo! Someone should totally nominate this  woman for an Oscar Award. Her acting is astounding! Too bad this other person isn’t aware of her bullshit. I kinda feel bad she’s being played like that, even though me and this “cock eyed red head” did have our own issues in the past.

I personally would not be able to do that. Live a lie like that. Lying to myself and others. Seems like a shameful, deceitful way to live. But than again, I have come to the realization that not only are majority of the people cowards, but they are also fake ass people pleasers. They are not true to themselves. They are so concerned what the “others” will think about what they say, do, even appear. Clones. People mimicking people’s expectations. Sheep, just following the herd. Cowards that are just constantly lying to themselves. They come off as so rehearsed, saying the same lame catch phrases repeatedly for approval. Do you even know who the fuck you are? Like, seriously, deep down. I doubt it. People waste so much time kissing each-others asses their heads get lost up there. I guess I’m realizing just how rare genuine authentic people really are. How rare I am.

Anyways, maybe it’s karma. Even though I don’t normally believe in karma. I “unfriended” her spontaneously on FB in the past, but I at least gave an explanation and reason. I didn’t even get that. Just a cold shoulder, and a nose in the air. In the past, I did so so that she wasn’t caught in the middle of the drama between the “cock eyed red head” and I. If anything, I was trying to protect her from the drama and bullshit. But in this recent case, this other person isn’t even on FB, the person I was ranting about for snapping at me and making an unnecessary scene for sharing ideas. I guess small minds can’t comprehend that many ideas, they can only discuss gossip about people. Maybe I’ve just outgrown that crowd. Anyways, I was “unfriended” for venting. Wow, that is just fuckin dumb. This clearly shows, I need to make better friends.

Onto the other shit that hit me all at once, such as being ganged up on by fellow Idle No More members for bringing up an issue that affects and reflects on us all. I mean, if the person you steal from is aware that you are apart of Idle No More, yeah, that behavior will reflect on the whole movement. Perhaps I was hoping that whomever stole the 50 flags from the International Indigenous Unity Flag artist would do the honorable thing and either return the flags, or pay for them. It was a long shot hoping it would reach whomever was responsible. But the online bullying attack really put a damper on any hope I had for the movement, for a revolution. Just to see and experience first hand how easily they turn on their own, wow. That was devastating.

The troll on twitter calling me a thief, hobo and tramp. Rude remarks  instantly piss me off. Just ask my ex, he’s a pro at verbal abuse, and he wonders why I won’t take him back. Haha! It pisses me off more so coming from strangers that don’t even know me personally, not that my ex really knows me either and he’s always shooting his mouth off. So who the fuck is he to judge? Ya know? Not only that, but I am so fed up with sexism and discrimination, I get enough of that chauvinistic bullshit from my abusive ex, thank you very much!

Which brings me to another point that’s got me down lately, my children. Not seeing them over the holidays. Not seeing them for two straight weeks. I can’t help but feel blue as the time drags on. Supposedly my visit is scheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We’ll see. Excuse me if I just feel very pessimistic lately. This change affects our schedule we had going. Technically I should have seen them on the 3ird, but I didn’t, obviously. No idea why not. I mean, Merrymount was back open and running. So what’s the fuckin excuse?!

Anyways, as you may recall the personal research I was doing regarding the brain, and communication. Yeah, fuck that! I find myself becoming more withdrawn, not really wanting to engage or interact with people. People cannot be trusted. Everyone will just fuckin hurt you and stomp all over you. That is my conclusion to that.

Sure I attended the New School of Colour on Monday, but I wasn’t there to socialize. I only showed up to paint. Prior to making an appearance, I was saying to myself; “To go, or not to go. That is the question. That is always the question.” It took a lot just to motivate myself to leave the house.

That question pops up a lot lately, especially when it comes to events. “Do I really want to surround myself with people?” Not really.

Other than all that, I have been painting more at home. It temporarily takes my mind off things. Plus since I haven’t landed an actual job in London, I’ve been here for over a decade. I figure why bother trying to mold into your world? Your world sucks. Besides, it’s just not happening. So I might as well just do what I do, and that is art. I’m at a fuck-it-all point when it comes to society and the people in it. I’m just gonna do what the fuck I’m good at, fuck society, and their lame rules and expectations. I will paint and paint until my stone cold heart is content.

So 2015 has started off rather dark, but perhaps it’s only necessary. Pain tends to be what transforms a person. For better or for worse, I don’t know. One thing I can say is, no matter what, I’m going to keep it real and stick to honesty and truth. – Pooks

“The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.”- Aristotle

NOW FOR THE VISUALS…

Pooks sketch/ diagram of the Creative Process. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Pooks sketch/ diagram of the Creative Process. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I gave myself a linear perspective assignment. - Pooks/ All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I gave myself a linear perspective assignment. – Pooks/ All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Acrylic painting by Pooks using a brush and a mallet. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Acrylic painting by Pooks using a brush and a mallet. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©