Precious Flower

I guess it’s time for this week’s blog post eh?
I’ll start with some failed drama that I found rather amusing. When was it? Last Friday? Yeah, anyways, I had gotten some crazy private messages on Facebook from a woman I don’t even know. So who is she? Turns out shes a friends mother, and this friend visits me and my partner at least once a week. I don’t mind. It gives my man his man time, because for the remainder of the week, there’s just me, him, and 3 female shiatsu’s. So he’s surrounded by estrogen. Haha!
Anyways, the messages were pretty outrageous. But then again, my partner has been very open with me, and has told me of her before. He met her years ago at Pathways. She’s basically a cougar that has a thing for him. And as far as these messages go, she was attempting to start shit. Saying that my man was spreading rumours of having a threesome with her. Umm… She wishes. What else? Because my man’s ex stole something from her, I’m not welcome to her home and not trusted. Umm… okay? First off, I’m not his ex, or anything like her. His ex sounds psychotic and kinda butchy. But whatever. No loss there. I don’t really know this woman that was apparently trolling my Facebook, and probably noticed whom I am in a relationship with. So yeah, I think she’s just jealous. Can’t blame her, I do have a sexy man. Haha!
He was worried this drama would effect our relationship, but nope. I reassured him that I believe in him, and what he tells me is the truth. Plus he’s told me numerous times how he feels about dating older people, he doesn’t agree with it. Sure, I am older, by 3 years, but we’re both in our 30’s. He’s not interested in someone that is old enough to be his mother basically. Lol So yeah. So not stressing over that. I just found it amusing how she thought trolling my Facebook and sending me messages would possibly change things. I mean she even said something along the lines that my man better not go crying to her when I break up with him. As far as I’m aware, we’re about to have a baby together, and we’re both on the same page of making our relationship work.
Anyways, I showed the messages she had sent me to my man, and to her son. Both of them were just like; wow, what the the fuck? Her son advised me to block her, saying I don’t need that bullshit, especially being 9 months pregnant. So I did. Poof! She’s gone from harassing the Pooks. Communication is key. 😉
So yeah. Once again, another woman that can’t respect a couples relationship. Smh.
On to other things. According to the doctor at my last appointment, I could be going into labour any day now. For the most part I feel ready. I mean, I’ve been meeting up with a doula, and has been giving me some ideas of things to do during contractions. Things I’ve never tried before, and could make the birth go more smoothly. Before I was just kinda on my back with my legs spread during the whole labour, focused on my doctors instructions. This time could be a little different. Plus, since it’s my man’s first time ever experiencing child birth, having a doula there for support can come in handy for him too. To help him calm down if he gets anxious, overwhelmed, or freaks out. Lol
I had an ultrasound yesterday, and once again our baby kept it’s legs closed. Modest, and stubborn little thing. Lol Anyways, the lady that was giving me the ultrasound said that she isn’t 100% sure, but she thinks we’re having a girl. ❤

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I’m kinda jumping all over the place. Umm… over the weekend my daughter was over. She gave me some belated valentine’s cards that she made. My favorite is the minion.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

My man even took us to the Kinsmen Fanshawe Sugar Bush. We got to go on a horse buggy ride tour. I was impressed with the volunteers there. They knew their stuff, and even brought up some Ojibwe heritage/ history, which I found quite respectful.  So yeah, needless to say, I was thoroughly impressed to see they did their research. Not only that, but I noticed that some of the proceeds they make through donations go to supporting the Ark Aid Street Mission. Yaaaay!! It’s like a family outing that is giving back to muh peeps! 🙂

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

My daughter was a little rude to my man afterwards. That whole step dad thing. He tried to give her souvenirs from the Kinsmen Fanshawe Sugar Bush. But she rejected it.
She opened up and said her dad had a step dad, and he wasn’t a good man. Well no he wasn’t. He was a pedophile. But not all step parents are bad people.
So yeah, clearly still got some work to do.
It was my idea to go to the Sugar Bush to do something together. So that maybe my kids ( or in this case, just my daughter) can get to know my man better. It was a good attempt, but yeah. Things are still a bit bumpy. Normally my man keeps himself busy over the weekend with chores and whatnot, while I have my visit.
With Spring and Summer around the corner, that might get us out of the house more and doing things together more often. Gradually of coarse, because we’ll have a baby with us.
That’s another thing. I haven’t been to the New School of Colour for a couple weeks now. However I may make an attempt this evening. Fingers crossed that I don’t go into labour while I’m out and about. Haha! But yeah, I was talking to the facilitator via text messages, and I was surprised that he would be willing to try to get the New School of Colour hours changed so that they better fit my schedule after my baby is born. So rather than having evening sessions, possibly switching to afternoon sessions. I was also surprised by how welcomed my baby is. I mean, I’ve overheard artists in the past talk about children attending the Ark Aid Street Mission location of the New School of Colour, and they weren’t too fond of the idea. So it did have me concerned about me bringing in a baby, which can be more chaotic than 3 little girls. But yeah, it’s cool to see I have support from a place I cherish. He said it’s actually expected that I bring my baby. So yeah, how awesome is that?! My baby will be surrounded by creativity. ❤

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of the New School of Colour©

Anyways, what else? My man gets to be the boss so to speak for the next two weeks at work. That’s so awesome that he’s being trusted with such a huge responsibility. Kinda weird in a way too, because now the tables have turned, and it’s his dad asking him what to do. Not that long ago it was the other way around. So yeah, I’m very proud of my man. He’s doing amazing. 🙂
Anyways, that’s enough blogging for today. I’m going to miss hugging my belly, but soon I’ll be hugging my baby.
This pregnancy has been very pleasant. I’m relaxed, and happy. I think I have my partner to thank for that. I’m not all insecure. How can I be when my man compliments me everyday? I am always reassured that I am his precious flower. Lol I used to call myself a flower whenever I wore dresses, which is really rare. And if I got rained on, I would rant and say “I AM NOT A FLOWER! ” Lol Silliness.
Anyways, thanks for reading! Much love- Pooks

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Bring on 2016!

Happy New Years to all my readers! Thank you for reading and following my blog through out the years. Hard to believe I’ve been doing this for 4 years now. But yeah, thanks for joining me on my journey through life.

This year has been amazing and full of surprises. I mean, I never thought I would be in a relationship, let alone expecting another baby. I thought it would be another year of the “untouchable Pooks.” But nope. I got swept off my feet, by this remarkable man that’s been waiting for me for years. And now he’s become a huge part of my life.

No, our pregnancy wasn’t planned. But we are both taking a chance. Besides, I think it’s helped  us grow even closer. And our baby-to-be is more and more seen as a blessing. We both look forward to his or her arrival. 3 more months!!

I think it’s cute when my daughter kisses and hugs my tummy. Or when she says things like, after the baby is born, she wants to hold the baby and watch movies together. That’s so cute. ❤ She seems to be handling the news of a younger sibling better than her brother did back in the day. But then again, we didn’t really prepare or talk to him about it. So to him, his little sister came out of nowhere with no warning, and yeah. He was kinda resentful about it. Ugh! The joys of parenting. You live and learn. Unfortunately, for the first-born, things are rocky since their parents are new to the whole parenting thing. So they’re a crash-coarse. Lol.

Anyways, 2015 has been amazing. I am thankful to everyone whose been apart of it. Especially the friends and family, near and far,  that have been there to share the laughter and the odd tears. But mostly laughter.

I’m grateful for my bestie for going for long crazy walks with me, those will be memories that will last a life-time. Thanks to her I got out of London for a day, and traveled to Kitchener, Waterloo, and Cambridge. Despite our lack of sleep, we still had a good time. Haha! Thank you caffeine!

I am grateful to still be a part of the New School of Colour. Thank you Marshall for taking the reigns and keeping the program going at the Ark Aid Street Mission.

I am thankful for the new friends I meet along the way.

I am thankful that my children and I are accepted into my boyfriends huge family.

Thank you to my ex for letting my children be in my life for another year. It’s been fun!

Thank you to my man of coarse. He’s taken me to such beautiful places during our hikes, and he’s made me feel like I actually matter. Thank him for picking me flowers, and for trying to surprise me at the Train station on a sprained ankle. Thank him for never giving up on me, and for actually wanting to be a father to our baby. Thank him for trying his best to be a positive part of my childrens lives. Even though there is some resistance there from my son. He doesn’t give up. Thank him for still loving me even when I get insecure, and feel like a fat lil pregnant hippo. Lol Thank him for his patience and hanging in there during my mood swings. Thank his beautiful mind, for always coming up with solutions when I panic and get emotional over obstacles in life. There is so much I can thank him for. He truly is amazing. ❤

Onto other things…This blog is turning into a blog of thank you’s, which there is nothing wrong with that. But I’m kinda avoiding what I really wanted to type about. But since I am on the topic of gratitude…

Christmas didn’t turn out as awesome as I thought it would be. However thank my man for busting his ass to try to make it awesome. I kinda feel bad that my son was so ungrateful and rude.

My ex just had to give him  tablet for Christmas. Nothing else seemed to have mattered. I mean, even one of my gifts that I gave him nearly got thrown in the trash with the wrapping paper. That’s how oblivious he was to the other gifts. He just wanted to go back to playing on his tablet. My boyfriend didn’t even get a thank you. My son has no idea how hard my man worked and stressed about giving my children a good Christmas. Which is pretty huge, because he really didn’t have to. But he did.

Thankfully, we when we went to visit My boyfriends family, on his fathers side, the tablet got left behind. However, my boyfriends family mentioned that they noticed an attitude problem with my son. Which is why they were kinda distant from him.

As my sons mother, that’s a wake up call. Of coarse I see my children as little angels. But I mean if their first impression of my son is concerning. Then yeah, somethings not right, and clearly needs to be worked on before things get way too out of hand.

I mean, I know there has been issues with the schools. But I can not pin point exactly what it is regarding my son that is causing all this. I know him and his father have a bumpy relationship. Obviously. There has been verbal abuse in the past. And my son said he wanted to put an axe in his fathers head. He’s angry. But then again, there was a time he and my daughter were hoping me and my ex would reconcile and get back together. I told them that that wouldn’t happen. I’m sure that hurt. But let’s face it, my ex and I’s past relationship was severely unhealthy. Then there’s the change with me getting into a new relationship. At first things seemed okay. But as time goes on, it’s like my son is building a wall blocking my partner out. I don’t think he copes with change very well. Never has. Even with the arrival of his little sister. He didn’t cope well with that very well either. And now there’s  another sibling on the way. He says he’s hoping for a brother, someone he can talk to. But, he doesn’t really talk to anyone. Whatever the main root of his issues are, he doesn’t let anyone in.

My partner thinks he’s a good kid regardless. He cares for him, and wants to be there for him. I mean, lately I’ve been concerned about my sons education, since he got pulled out of school to home school. Home-school doesn’t sound like it’s going very well. So yeah, I’m worried he’s falling more behind. My partner, however, bought a grade 5 curriculum text book, that includes Math, science, social studies and English. We’ve decided that our son won’t be allowed to use the XBox One, or computer, until he completes work from the text book. 1 page, both sides per subject. That way, I can see for myself just how far behind he is, and where he needs work.

My ex can teach him whatever at his place, but we’ll ( my boyfriend and I) do what we can from our end. I mean, I already asked my ex not to let our son bring his tablet over again. The whole purpose of the visits is so that I can see my son and daughter, and vice-versa. My son doesn’t come here to visit his tablet. So yeah, I don’t even want that thing here. Over the holidays, he was glued to that thing. Freakin technology, and children do not mix.

I mean, some parents are successful with technology and kids, they use it for educational purposes. However, with our son, it’s too late for that because it’s just been flat out entertainment since he was 5 years old.

So yeah, ya know? I want my son to be successful in the future. I don’t want him to have to struggle like his parents do within the welfare system. It’s not easy to get out of, as some people claim. That’s lucky. Not easy.

And I certainly don’t want him to turn to drugs and crime just to get by. My son is better than that. He deserves better than that. It’s too bad that his confidence is so low that he doesn’t believe that, or himself.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my son more than you’ll ever know. But as his mother, I won’t deny that there’s a problem and this mother is worried for him.

So I hope for 2016, and the years to follow, we can turn things around for him for the better. I hope I have the courage and strength to be the example he needs me to be. Sure I’ve accomplished great things over the years, but I’ll need to push myself even farther. Someones gotta do it, and show him another way.

So yeah, 2015 has had it’s ups, downs, obstacles and challenges. Bring on 2016! Thanks a bunch for reading, see you in the new year! Peace and love!- Pooks

“An attitude of gratitude brings great things.”

– Yogi Bhajan

 

Making up for my Absence

Long time no see!

I apologize for not blogging much lately. I think it’s been 2 weeks or so since the last time I blogged. But with Christmas rapidly approaching, we’ve been kinda busy. However, we think that my son and my daughter will have a good Christmas. Thanks to everyone that pitched in to help make this possible, wither it be through providing gifts, or money for gifts. You’re awesome! Miigwech!

Anyways, my last two Leads appointments went well. We started a module on confidence, and it turns out that my confidence isn’t as low as I had thought. It’s pretty good considering. However, pinpointing my insecurities, or admitting my insecurities was quite difficult. I got all teary eyed. But yeah, I had to state what goes through my mind, and what could have started those negative thoughts that belittle me and hold me back. It all goes back to my childhood, and the abusive foster mom. Fuck her!

I guess I need to talk about shit more until it no longer has any effect on me. But that’s the problem, as an introvert, I don’t talk about these things. In fact, I would rather try to forget. Even though that doesn’t really work, obviously. Ya know? I can move on with my life, but somewhere in the back of my mind these memories still exist, and haunt me when I am trying to move up in my life. So yeah, I need to speak about it verbally. That’s going to be a challenge. Talking about things and people I would rather pretend didn’t even exist.

Thankfully, I have my partner, and I know when I’m ready, he will listen.

But that’s enough of that. That’s some internal shit I need to work on that could in the end improve my confidence.

Umm… what else? Last week we made snow flakes out of paper at Leads. Just doing something fun and creative before the holidays. This wasn’t your ordinary fold and cut kind of snow flake. So thanks to my worker for teaching me something new. The one I made turned out pretty cool, and it is now hanging on my front door. So instead of your typical Christmas wreath, I have this cool looking snowflake! 🙂

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

At the New School of Colour, I completed a painting that has that H.R Giger Xenomorph resemblance. Which is pretty cool since I was not copying from any images, it was straight out of my head/ memory, and it came pretty close. People can tell where the inspiration came from.

As for the background, I was trying to paint without the bristles of a paintbrush. So I’d use the other end. Or I would find other objects to use. Such as the cap to my Gatorade, or the lid to my Lays Chips container. So on and so forth. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. I brought it home so that my partner can put a clear coat on it, since I can’t really do that on my own. Being pregnant and all. I have to be more careful around things that involve chemicals.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Last week, my mind kinda went blank. So I was working on some zentangles just for the hell of it.

Which reminds me, the current facilitator said that he’d try to get my art work into the library. Kind of like a small solo exhibit. That’s cool. I mean, I’ve been with the New School of Colour since 2011, and still haven’t had a solo art exhibition yet. Maybe it’s about time.

Umm… Within these last 2 weeks I also submitted some of my photography into something called “Colouring London”. Similar to what I have participated in the past with my photography, “Colouring between the Lines”. It is run by the same person that did the “Colouring between the Lines” exhibition a year or two ago, Lincoln McCardle. The difference is, this time around, the photographs submitted that get converted into colouring pages will become part of a colouring book. That’s cool. The proceeds will go to a local charity.  There’s still time to get involved, so if you are a London, ON photographer, you can submit your work to the following FB page:

Colouring London

One of 4 photographs I submitted into Colouring London. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

One of four photographs that I submitted into Colouring London. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

This past weekend my daughter was teaching me some French that she’s been learning at school. So that’s pretty awesome. She knows more words than I do. According to her report card, she’s doing well in school.

However, when it comes to an education, my son is falling more and more behind. From my perspective, both the school and my ex are responsible. The school, because it’s like they don’t want my son around. So even though my ex has been bringing my son to school, the school just sends our son back home shortly after. I can understand why my ex would get fed up, and decide to pull our son out of school. That goes on long enough, it’s like, what’s the point of bringing him in, if the school is just going to send him back home anyways. However, the homeschooling hasn’t really started, and according to my daughter, my son just sleeps all day. And sometimes I think my ex is capable of teaching our son, other times… I worry. I mean, an education is not watching Infowars. He needs to learn to read and write, and do math, and learn other skills that would benefit his future. Perhaps even learning a trade if all else fails. Infowars, and conspiracy theories won’t do that. I mean, our son has got to learn to take care of himself one day, and at this rate, it’s not looking so good. He’s not motivated to learn anything. It seems like his only interest is videogames. So as his mother, I am concerned. How do you teach someone that doesn’t want to learn? Or maybe noone has found the way to teach him yet. I mean, educational institutions focus on one way of learning, and that is auditory. Not everyone learns that way. Some people, like myself, are more visual and kinaesthetic.

Anyways, that’s a little mind boggling. I mean, I only see my children on weekends, so there is only so much I can do. My time is limited. So my sons education basically lies in the hands of the primary caregiver, my ex. Hopefully he can figure something out. Our son doesn’t need to fall more behind than he already is.

Other than that, my visits with my children have been going well. they’re good children. Even though my partner feels as if my son is being a bit resistant towards him. That whole “You’re not my father” kinda thing. But my man can understand, and has been pretty patient. I mean, he too has grown up with step dads in his life. So yeah, he can understand my son in that regard more than my son realizes. Lol

Before I forget, I want to mention that over the weekend I finally did a Christmas window painting. I painted the Grinch on the front window of my house, and I guess it turned out pretty good. I mean, the neighbors across the street asked my partner where we bought it from. I guess they thought it was one of those peel and stick on things you put on your window. Haha! Nope! My man proudly answered and said that I painted it, and that he’s always amazed with the things I can paint.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm.. what else? We’ve been preparing for our baby. Thank you to Angie Cooke from the Hamiltion Rd/ OEV Buy Nothing Group for giving us a crib.  And thank you to the kind lady that traveled all the way from Strathroy to give us a stroller. That takes care of two major pricey baby items we’ll be needing in the near future. The crib we got for free. As for the stroller, we probably paid only the quarter of the price of a brand new one. In the long run, that will help us out financially.

While I’m saying my thank you’s. I want to thank my good friend Melly for coming with me t o the Mall last week to do some Christmas shopping. It helps to go with someone that is familiar with the malls. 🙂

As for a baby update, my next doctor appointment is early January, and I believe my next ultrasound will be scheduled then. However I am happy to say that I can feel my baby kick more often. It’s kicks are getting stronger. So he or she must be growing. 🙂

Oh that reminds me, we did pick out names for our baby, even though we don’t know the sex yet.

For a girl: Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg

For a boy: Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg

We got the name Lily from my daughter. She actually suggested Lily tiger ( I think she meant Tiger Lily). But we thought the name Lily alone had a ring to it.

As for Adelaide, that is the name of the street that holds a lot of my partner and I’s relationship history. My man gave me his number to me twice on Adelaide Street. We’ve been for dates on Adelaide. We went grocery shopping on Adelaide. We both lived east of Adelaide. Our baby was even conceived on Adelaide. Lol The list goes on and on.

Derek, because that is my mans name. And my man has his fathers name for a middle name. so were kinda passing on the tradition so to speak.

King is my biological last name.

Wuytenburg is my mans last name.

So yaaay! We have a name. We actually picked those out months ago, but I just forgot to mention it here. Now you know.

Anyways, I think this is turning into quite the novel, so I shall end it here. Hard to believe Christmas is 2 days away already. But I am excited. It’s been awhile since I have celebrated Christmas with my son and daughter. I am looking forward to it. So I guess that leaves me with one more thank you. Thank you to my ex for allowing me to have our children over at my place for Christmas. It means a lot!

Oh, and thank you to the readers that actually take the time to read this whole blog post. Lol I know, it’s a long one. But then again, I’ve been M.I.A for 2 weeks. So yeah, a nice long blog post should make up for my absence. Hope you enjoyed the read. Peace and Love! – Pooks

Source: Power of Positivity

Source: Power of Positivity

 

Gifted

 

Hello again!

I guess I’ll start this blog from what I can recall from Friday the 13th. Even though my last blog says it was posted on the 14th. For some reason, the date hasn’t been accurate lately on my blogs when I post, and I haven’t quite figured out how to fix that.

Anyways, November, 13,2015. It was a Friday, so I had my visit with my children at Tim Hortons. Which is where we ended up spending our time during the whole visit because it cold, windy, and a bit rainy outdoors at the time. We did leave to go to the nearby convenient store for snacks. But that was it. We just talked and were being silly at Tim Hortons. That’s what I love about my time with my children, we create our own fun. It doesn’t matter where.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

November 14th, my man and I went to Vegfest, and picked up some things. We couldn’t find basil at any of the grocery stores, so when we found it there, we definitely picked some up. Also, we got 2 bottles of Kombucha. My mans never tried it before, and now he takes a shot of it every morning. 🙂

Since Vegfest was taking place at the Western Fair, we stumbled upon 2 other events going on. One being a toy sale. Which was more for younger children. So we didn’t pick up too much there. However, the cashier thought we looked familiar, but couldn’t place from where. My only guess, since we’re pretty much hermits, social media. Probably my Twitter. Anyways, it’s funny when people recognize me, but can’t pin point from where. 😛

Anyways, after that, we went to the Gem and Mineral show and checked out all these cool rocks, fossils, crystals and stuff. I’ve never been to an event like that before. So it was cool. We picked up some arrow heads, and my man wants to make our bun in the oven a mini spear, for our Lil Turkey Hunter/Warrior. ❤

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Uhh… lets see…during the week. I’ll just focus on the main shtuff. Uhh… Tuesday I skipped going to the New School of Colour to get some chores done around the house.

Wednesday was my Leads appointment, and we were talking about communication and confidence. Ya know? According to the module in their files, I’m a pretty good communicator,  it’s just my own thoughts that think otherwise. My confidence.  So we were going through steps on how to improve my confidence, for example, listing off my accomplishments, and I really should give myself more credit, as I’ve done quite a bit. Publishing a book in 2013… having my art in 20 art exhibits/ events over the years since 2011.  Those are pretty big, and only a couple of examples. But yeah, I should give myself more credit. It hasn’t been easy building this force of creativity  that goes by the name of Pooks

Thursday and Friday, they just kinda flew by, and this past weekend my children were over. Also on Saturday, my man had a night out to celebrate his best friends birthday. A friend he hasn’t seen in a year, but has been friends with for 20 years. So yeah, I made the exception, he rarely gets to see this dude, so he can drink. As long as he doesn’t get plastered because I had my children over. Turns out, he only had 4 beers, and got a hung over from that. He was all like; “What are you doing to me? I’m such a lightweight now.” Lol So I said “Just consider it cleansing your system”.

However, we did have a bit of a misunderstanding, and bickered that night, I thought he had drank more, but nope. He was good and behaved. Even said he was showing off the ultrasound picture of his baby to all his friends. ❤

Before he got picked up to go to the bar, he made sure to show me that he put a ring on his engagement finger. So that women at the bar will know he’s not available. Even though, we’re not engaged. We’re just boyfriend, and girlfriend having a baby. Kinda doing things backwards. But I think he did that to prevent any insecurities of mine that could have rose, and yeah, that was sweet. 🙂

I have a good man, and he’s going to be an excellent father. Even though he’s starting to get nervous about fatherhood, he’s also excited.

Over the weekend my neighbor across the street gave me 2 bags of clothing. Which was awesome because my daughter was in need of winter boots, and voila! So huge thanks to her.

Also, I am really liking this FB group I joined, the Buy Nothing Hamilton Rd/ Old East Village group. Today a kind man dropped off some baby stuff he no longer needs. So yeah, that is a huge help, and very much appreciated. It’s nice to see a group like this exists, and it’s basically a community helping each-other out. I love it! Plus, you know what they say, One mans trash is another mans treasure. So yeah, less waste!

Which reminds me, The Really Really Free Market event is happening this Friday. I look forward to it. It’s kinda like a bartering event. Bring in what you don’t need, find something there that you do kinda thing. Doesn’t cost a thing, just trade.

My weekend with my children was awesome, as usual. Just very busy, jumping from chores, and trying to spend time with them as well. My man was feeling a bit under the weather after 4 beers. Hehehe! 😛 But that’s okay, even though I had fallen behind schedule, I was a machine! Lol Give myself a pat on the back, way to go mama!

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Note from my daughter 🙂 All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, I think that’s all I shall write today.  Just got wifi lately, and my internet is starting to act up again. Saying there is no connection. It’s getting annoying. This was supposed to be an upgrade, not a nuisance. Lol So I shall try to fix that. Hope you’re having a superb day! Peace and love! – Pooks

“Try not to get lost in comparing yourself to others. Discover your gifts and let them shine.”

– Jennie Finch

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

Turmoils Locked Gate & the Invisible Path

So once again, I had chickened out with a job interview. I had gotten bombarded by the evil critic in my head. As I was getting ready for the interview, I just got really anxious. I felt under pressure to be something I am not. I tried to trick myself into thinking of it as dressing up for Halloween. But the negative thoughts won, and I ended up not even going. I had canceled my Leads appointment for this interview, and yeah, didn’t make it to the damn interview. Ugh! Fuck up.

I spoke to a friend about it, and yeah, perhaps it’s a lack of confidence.

As I was going through my clothes, changing my mind over and over on what to wear. Will it be good enough? Does this fit their standards of being fashionable? Does this make me stand out, or blend in? To criticizing my hair. I have really thick hair, and it’s very time consuming to tame. So I was worried it would get frizzy on me by the time I get there. Should I wear a pony tail? a bun? Or try something different? But the most negative thought that did me in was over the colour of my skin. As soon as they see that your brown, they’re gonna reject you.

Anyway, I felt like I was feeling all this unnecessary stress over self-image. I’m usually not that hard on myself when it comes to my personal appearance. Do all women have to go the extra mile when getting ready for an interview? Why?  It’s like we can’t be concerned whether we look professional enough, it’s whether or not we are “pretty” enough. Maybe interviews should be done blind-folded. The employer should be blind folded, because let’s face it, looks don’t determine wither or not you can do the job. That’s a stupid rule to judge by. I understand depending on the business, they don’t want see a slob. But the amount of pressure that is put on a woman is freakin ridiculous. Do you want a worker? Or a mannequin? Or maybe even a blow up doll? Maybe you want freakin Barbie and her unrealistic proportions! Got to wonder sometimes.

So yeah, thanks for the unnecessary stress. I was even picking my hang nails until my fingers were bleeding. Yeah, ouch! But that’s what anxiety does to me, it makes me pick myself apart.

It does bum me out that at the last minute, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of incompetence and self-doubt. But maybe my flaws are what keeps me humble. I mean, this society wants you to be kinda arrogant, and competitive. Well… I’m not the competitive type. Honestly, it’s one of those things that annoy me. I prefer to do my own thing, and I’m not interested in competing or comparing myself to others.

As I was getting ready, that’s exactly what I was doing!! That is so not like me at all!! Comparison? Thinking such things as; “They will choose a white girl over me.” What the fuck?!! I don’t think I’m good enough, and my nationality is part of that reason. I should be proud of what I am, but my race is often ridiculed, and shamed in this fuckin world!! Do you not see the affects of your damn racism?!

No, I’m not the most confident person. I am still scarred with a shit load of emotional and verbal abuse in my life time. Shit that comes back, and bites me in the ass in the present. Probably why my internal dialog can be such a verbal abusive bitch, which is destructive to myself, and holds me back a lot of the time when it comes to opportunities. Abuse helped mold that critic in my head, which tries to convince me that all the criticism I’ve endured is true. I’m incapable, a low life, a bum, a fuck up. You’re just pretty. Your sister is gorgeous. Nothing compared to her. So on and so forth.  No wonder I don’t feel good enough. Some of this shit in my head goes back to my childhood. It really makes it hard to believe in myself, ever. Just when I think I leave that shit behind, it finds ways to haunt me. It all comes back at the worst times, times of opportunity.

Anyway, since I felt so stressed over my image for this one interview, perhaps that job isn’t worth it. Another interview will come along, and hopefully I won’t be so hard on myself.

Morgue, the shock artist from the Venice Beach Freakshow, posted a status recently that made me think. I was recently advised to “be myself” by a friend, but perhaps I need to be so much more. Be Pooks, and what I envision Pooks to be. I need to “become”.

Anyway, Morgue’s FB status:

“Don’t be yourself, become yourself. They are not the same thing. Don’t settle for what you are, don’t become complacent. Always strive to improve, overcome and become the best version of yourself that you can be.

I am seeing a lot of people using “be yourself” as an excuse for laziness. Of course, never impose the standards of a failed society on yourself, but do not use it as an excuse to not improve. Don’t stand still, always move forward.

Don’t give a fuck what unintelligent, close minded people think of you and always strive to become a better version of yourself.” – Morgue

A nice friendly reminder. Just as Dali said he was becoming more Dali. My mission is to become more Pooks. Thank you Morgue. I needed that. To me, Pooks is greatness. An unstoppable creative force in this world. And believe me, it’s been quite the journey since the day I first signed my art with this alias name “Pooks”. It’s taken on a journey of it’s own that I don’t really have control over, I just create the art and write. Even though I try to live the mandatory “normal” life that is expected of me, the blue collar (if even) slavery.  I am currently trying to leap into the pink collar world. The road I need to be on for Pooks is elsewhere, matter of fact, it’s invisible. Not that it doesn’t exist, the road is there through what I create and where that takes me. There is no fuckin collar. I ain’t no fuckin dog! Haha!

Pooks is my creative outlet, expression, given a name, face, and persona. The art piece, that not only creates art, but is the art. Very few can accomplish that, Marilyn Manson, David Bowie, … just a couple examples. I hope to do the same.

So maybe for next time, when another interview comes around, I just need to remind myself, “I am Pooks.” To me, that is pretty extraordinary.  – Pooks

“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”- Louise L. Hay

Spotlight

Well since my life is just so freakin interesting, right down to “OMG!! Pooks is talking to this person, or that person”, here’s another post. I mean, since I’m already in your spotlight, let me just adjust the lighting here. Haha!

So just because I bought smokes off this native dude, that is a father to one of our daughters lil friends, my ex does what he does. Tells me that the guy told him that I’m a “street walker.” Ever convenient. Haha! Same shit as always. So and so spoke to me, so they’re N.F.G (No fuckin good). And I find it amusing how from my perspective, how coincidental it is that everyone that my ex speaks to makes the same assumption; she’s a whore. Umm… no. So obviously, this is made up bullshit, by my ex, because he’s insecure I’ll go running off with this dude. Not like my ex has a chance either. But seriously, I just bought smokes off the dude and it turns into this big crazy hype. Get a grip.The guy is being possessive and I’m not even his girl anymore.

Not to mention, I don’t give a shit who he dates, or who he’s fucking, let alone speaks to. It’s none of my business. Yet he’s gotta stick his nose in mine. I actually want him to move on. But he keeps holding onto this thought that we will reconcile and get back together. Nope, not gonna happen. Just the little things show me, he’s still the same jack-ass, and I am better off without.

An example, the kids and I lined up as my ex was gonna serve ice cream. Clowning around, as he was getting our daughters ice cream prepared. I was saying “Mine! Mine! MINE!!” He made this hand gesture like he was grabbing my throat. Isn’t that how he assaulted me years ago? Why would you do that? If that’s his idea of a joke, it’s not funny.

Even if he’s thinking of our kids when it comes to who I could possibly get involved with. It’s not like I ever stuck my nose into who he’s been dating. Supposedly according to him, the last girl he was seeing was crazy, banging on his door really late at night, or whatever. Not my business. You’re a big boy. As a parent, I’d think he’d figure out who would be suitable to have around our children and who isn’t. But no, does the same apply to me? No. He doesn’t trust my judgment.

Anyway, even if this freakin guy I did buy smokes off of did say I’m a street walker, it don’t matter. You clearly have no idea who the heck Pooks is. I am an artist, a writer, and one day, maybe even a freakin legend!! Although, I don’t believe that is what he said. I do believe he asked my ex “Whose that broad?” And that triggered my exes insecurities to make up the remaining bullshit. Okay, just the word “broad” knocks that dude onto the “not a chance” list. If you just see me as a hot “piece of meat” you wanna bang, no thanks. My mind has to be what lures and captivates a guy’s attention, not my exterior. That is nothing but a shell, and it will age and crumble eventually.

It’s frustrating. Yes, my ex and I get along for the most part. We are being civil. But clearly my ex still thinks he can control of who I speak to just because I am his children’s mother. I’M NOT YOURS ANYMORE!!! AND YOU ARE NOT MINE!!! Let go.

I’m not even looking for a relationship right now. If it happens, it happens. My focus is on myself, how to better myself and my situation. Hence, why I nose-dived back into the University. Sure that can sound selfish. But a better, and improved me, is a better, and improved Mama.

And how many times do I need to say that my standards have been raised? If my ex don’t fit those standards, the guy I bought smokes from isn’t gonna fit those standards either. Just sayin.

It always comes down to this Pooks is a whore bullshit, and that’s just nonsense. But I might as well clear it up, once AGAIN. My children and their father live in a low-income complex, and well… small communities love their gossip. So no, Pooks is not a street walker. I mean, yes, I do sometimes take walks at night, but I’m not a hooker. I’m the girl with the headphones on, dressed like a boy, walking and listening to my tunes, enjoying the moonlight. Sometimes, I’ll even take pictures while I’m out and about. The night is much cooler than it is during the day, and I don’t have the sun burning my eyes out. The moon is more gentle on the eyes. Plus, I love blue, and everything turns into shades of blue at night if you haven’t noticed.

This is my wonderful life, trying to co-parent with a past abuser. Not easy. But I do feel wiser. I observe, analyze, reflect, and share. Maybe someone out there could be trying to do the same thing. Maybe my knowledge can be helpful in a way. I don’t know.

Instead of letting these accusations sink under my skin, I laughed about it, because it’s the same old shit, and I know what I am and what I am not. And the people that do know me know that those false claims  are utterly ridiculous. Of coarse I deserve better than that stupidity, and one day I will find it. But for now, I’m enjoying the greatest love of all, and that is the love for myself.

Maybe you can’t stand me. Maybe you love me so much, you hate me for it. I don’t know. Whatever your dilemma, that is your problem to sort out. Because in my little world, Pooks is fabulous. 🙂  – Pooks

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Uncertainty

Well, here we go again. Where I think there’s not much to share, but we’ll see. I find I’ll figure out what to write if I just write it. Whatever thought comes to mind.

Yeah, I can say not much has happened, but that’s not completely true. I mean, my visits with my kids are going well. They enjoy coming over to my house, and I think I’ve managed to have some kind of routine to follow when it comes to their visits. I guess some routine is good, it not only helps them know what to expect, but it kind of gives me a guide line to actually follow. Because lets face it, normally I have no routine. I stray, and things are just spontaneous.

As for the visits that happen on the south side of the city, my 4 hour visits on Fridays where my ex and I do the exchanges directly without a third party, surprisingly, those are going well too. I mean, my ex and I are communicating without bickering.

There was one weekend where I began to panic because our kids got their hands covered in food colouring by one of my crazy creative idea’s, coloured ice cubes. I was stressing because I was dreading the worse. I thought my ex was going to be pissed. Anyway, since we did exchange numbers for so we have some kind of contact regarding our children, I texted him giving the heads up that our kids will be returning to him with purple hands. I thought he’d be angry, but no, the response I got was; “Lol”. So that was a relief, he found some humor that.

During one of the weekend visits our kids have been asking a lot of questions regarding the past of my ex and I. It’s been rough. I shared my side, and my son called me a “liar”. That was upsetting. But what can I do? He’s going to believe what he believes. If he want’s to believe whatever his father is saying, so be it. All I can do really is show him, and prove him otherwise by sticking to who I am in the present, and that is to at least be something positive in my son’s life.

So yeah, the past snuck up and bit me. But if I want what’s best for my kids, it’s best to leave it where it is, in the past. Neither the father or I are saints. We both did our share of fucking up. If he can’t man up to his own mistakes, that’s his problem. But I know I gave up on the whole “cleanliness” ordeal, but you would too if you had a freeloader in your house that treated the floor like a hamper and a trash can. So not only did he not respect my home, he didn’t respect me either. I’m not trying to point fingers, I admit, I got fed up, and I gave up. That was my mistake that supposedly made me such a horrible risk to my kids well being. I’m pretty sure there are people out there that have done a lot worse than that. But whatever. It’s the past, and now I’m just another unstable savage in society. No surprise.

Like I said, it’s the past. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t anger me. It does, here and there. But you live, you learn, you move on. Life just keeps going. Holding onto that anger does nothing but more damage, which is why I’m grateful I can write, and create art. They allow me to turn all that negative shit into a positive. Not only that, but it allows me to reflect. Somehow that helps overcome it all.

Anyway, there is no point being bitter. What is done is done, and I have to make the best of whatever amount of time I have left on this planet.

My ex said he has been seeing people, good.  He can move on with his life, I can move on with mine. Although, I have been giving men a hard time. Haha! You see, the things is, part of my high standards is based on my kids. I keep them in mind. If I cannot picture a man  having a positive impact on my kids lives, how could they have a positive impact on mine? I think of my kids as royalty. They are my guests of honor. So yes, I have been rather fussy, but for my kids sake, I think that’s a good thing.

There was a time I thought it would be impossible for my ex and I to ever communicate without bitterness being an issue. But lately, it seems like things are headed in a positive direction. Just as long as we both keep the past where it belongs.

Other than that, one of my good friends is really ill. The one that is like a second mother. Or older sister. She’s been nothing but good to me over the years. Anyway, she’s been sick since after Christmas. I drop in from time to time to check in on her. She was normally a night owl, but lately, it’s like you can never tell when she’s awake or not. Anyway, she has cysts on her liver, and there isn’t much doctors can do, so I do worry. If the cysts form into one clump, it could be fatal, she could die. When I do visit her, it is apparent she is in pain, and uncomfortable. She’s lost a lot weight. I just wish there was something I could do.

During Spring and Summer she normally goes out for bike rides, works on the garden, or works on projects she gives herself. She builds doll houses, does embroidery, and finds old wooden furniture to fix. She’s really talented. It doesn’t seem like any of that is going to happen this year. Majority of the time, she’s stuck in bed. I can only hope she gets better.

Still, I can keep her company, watch Murdoch Mysteries and drink coffee, like we usually do.

In other aspects of my life, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do. If I’m going to give school a shot during the summer, I better get the paper work in soon, it’s almost May. I’m running out of time. I did register for Sociology again, and Spanish this time around. But I forgot, I’ll need to apply for funding all over again.

Whatever I do, I better get it figured out quick, the money in my account is running low. Although I don’t mind blowing it on my kids. But in order for me to continue doing so, I will need to get something lined up at least. Plus, both of my kids birthdays is next month, and yeah, that would suck to be empty handed. Sure, school might cut into my time with my kids on Fridays. Our visits on Friday go from 3:30pm – 8pm. If I go to school, I’d be in school til 4pm. If I find work, who knows what hours an employer will demand. I don’t want to give up my weekends. I came a long ways just to get them.

I still need to do my taxes. Also I need to hand in some papers to First Nation Housing Co-Op, that I didn’t hand in with the Annual Review. Still need to do that. So it looks like the week ahead will be getting paper work done. Boooring! But it needs to be done.

Maybe I’ll even make an appearance at the University after all this time. I need to pick up receipts that have been locked away in a filing cabinet. And maybe I should pick up my art supplies I left in my locker, if I’m not going to use them for school, I can use them at home.

I have been disconnected lately. It seems like I don’t start functioning until Thursday or Friday, and that is usually when I start preparing for my visits for my kids. Besides that, I show up at the New School of Colour to paint. Other than that, I’m home, I cut myself off from the world, and within that time, I am a zombie. Body is here, my mind is not. Back into incubation of slumber, dreams and thoughts. Not really depressed, but more like uncertain. And I don’t think it matters which path I take, the end will be same.

So I guess I’m kind of reckless when it comes to direction. I mean, look what I did this last term, I flat out threw it aside because of my own insecurities. Not only did I doubt my ability to write academically, I let fear win that battle…again. I’d be sitting there in class, watching other students answer questions with their fancy vocabulary. My vocabulary is fairly simple. I don’t use big words that often. I write, speak, and think like a high school student. Like I’m permanently stuck in Grade 9 or something. Not only that, but after being told I wasn’t thinking critically, I was thinking morally. Basically saying I’m getting it all wrong!! Yeah, that deflated my confidence.

I know my mistake, wither or not I can face it is the question. I’m an insecure chicken shit filled with fear. Wither or not I can change that, I don’t know. I know I’m not like the other students, I couldn’t feel anymore out of place. But if possible, I’ll try again.

I could say it’s the system, but really it’s me and my own demons. I hold myself back because I don’t believe I deserve anything greater than I already have.

When I really think about it, we live in a world where you are trained to want more. I get caught thinking do I really need more? Majority of the time I’m just looking out for myself, and that doesn’t take much. But when it comes to wanting to offer more to my kids, that is where I feel I need to push myself.

If I don’t get into school this summer, I can at least say I tried. Got to keep experimenting with this thing called life, and see what works and what doesn’t.

I didn’t take the help when it was there. I was too afraid to be a burden, a nuisance, a needy disturbance among others. I can at least look back and see where I’ve gone wrong. I was too insecure.

Life is a journey, and you can never be too sure of where it will take you next. I just kind of impulsively leap in whatever direction. So yeah, uncertainty, that word seems to define my life at the current moment. But then again, have I ever been certain of anything? Are we ever certain? Maybe no one is.

Honestly, this is how I feel; like I’m not dumb enough to hire for employment, and I’m not smart enough for school. I don’t really know my place in this society, if I even have a place here. – Pooks

“The greater the artist, the greater the doubt.” – Robert Hughes

 

 

Be the Spark

Today I had a coffee date with an individual that has crossed my path numerous times over these last couple of years.

I met him on New Years a couple years ago, after I lost my children. So I was in rough shape. Although he says he remembers me smiling and laughing back then. That’s the thing, I could be going through some dark times, and you would never know. I still smile, I still laugh. Even when asked; I will say that things are good, or “I’m fine.” Although, I know I did open up and share what was going on with him, and the bartender. It was a quiet New Years spent at Star Billiards. There were other people across the room playing pool, but it was just us three chilling by the bar. I was drawing, and drinking jack and coke. It was my ink drawing that caught this nice fellows attention. It’s what he’s remembered me for ever since.

At the time, I didn’t have any sense of direction, or what I was going to do with my life. Behind  a friendly smile, I was feeling like it was all completely hopeless. This was prior to ever going to the Ark Aid Street Mission, and stumbling upon the New School of Colour. Which amazingly would spark my faith, hope, dreams, and inspire me to go on.

I honestly didn’t think I would ever see him again after that night, but I have. He recognized me on the bus a couple times. He’d say hello. Each time he was happy to see me, and he’d ask about my art.

I ran into him again recently at The Arts Project during the Framing of the Phoenix exhibition. This time, he was looking a bit in rough shape. But I was happy and surprised to him there. He said that it looks as though as I’m finding my way. He spoke about what was going on his life, he’s had it rough for awhile. Afterward, we set a date to have coffee and to catch up some more. Which would be what took place this evening.

Anyway, after the art exhibition I couldn’t help but ponder on why I kept running into this guy. So I figured since he listened to me years ago, maybe it was my time to return the favor.

So this evening we met at a Tim Hortons, and had coffee. From there we went to Strokers Billiards. A place I haven’t been to in years. I did stop in on the same night I met this man, before I went to Star Billiards and ran into him. It moved from Capulet Avenue to Springbank Drive. The management had changed since the time I used to go, and it was very different. There was barely anyone there.

Anyway, this man is very passionate about snooker. I never played snooker before, so I said I’ll give it a try. Ya know? Try something new. He was impressed, considering it was my first time playing. He see’s potential.

He said he hasn’t been to Strokers in a long time either. Also that he doesn’t quite fit in with the other players in the league. I guess they can get very competitive, and could take the game so seriously that their ego’s get the best of them. To the point they bully each-other, and yeah, I guess it became too much for this man at the time.

He thanked me at the end of our night out. I took a picture of his name on plaque that was on the wall. That meant a lot to him. I immortalized an achievement of his. Also while he played, when he got a ball into a pocket, I would clap my hands praising his accomplishment. He said he needed that, a positive experience. I guess he hasn’t been very social, and this was his first night out in awhile.

It was a good night, and I think I made a new friend. Hopefully, he isn’t expecting more from me, because quite honestly, I have a lot on my plate as is. A serious relationship with anyone could be distracting.

Plus, in order for me to consider a relationship with anyone, I need to be able to visualize it in my head. What I see, could be a good friendship. I don’t think I could see anything more than that. No offense to him, he’s a nice guy. I just cannot picture it.

Besides, I think I know what it is I am to do. Why I keep running into him. I am to lift his spirit, be the spark of inspiration that will help him want to keep on going. Kind of like what the New School of Colour has done for me.

The way he describes himself and his situation within the league, it sounds like he is the underdog. He might not realize how special it is to be the underdog. That’s just the type of person people love to root for. For example: Eminem, Marilyn Manson, Salvador Dali, Slipknot… They were all mocked and ridiculed at first, but look at them now.

Perhaps he just needs the support and encouragement to feel confident, and to believe in himself.

He mentioned that there is a tournament this Sunday, and who knows. I just might show up and root him on. 😉 – Pooks

“Encouragement is the oxygen of the soul.” – George M. Adams

The Crickets that Chirp

Just as I expected, there is gossip going around about me at The Ark. I am sorry so-and-so is insecure about her reputation that she’s got to attempt to drag others into this. I’m sure she ran on over there ranting about our fallout.

I kind of suspected this would happen, if you were a friend of mine on Facebook, you may notice there has been a huge cut. Unlike her, I would rather my friends to not get caught in the middle. Stuck in that position of the middle man that is pressured to “choose a side”. So yes, I have made some precautions and cut anybody that was linked between her and I. That way, less gossip, less word of mouth. Things cannot be twisted and skewed, anything about me, you can only get from me directly.

This is not the first time I had to do this. I’ve dealt with gossipers before, insecure people that like to run their mouths. When it came to my “supposed” mom, I had to cut out my brothers as well, so that she cannot use them for information about me.

So if you are one of those I cut out recently, due to this situation,  please understand that I am not only doing this to protect you, I am also doing this to protect myself from this bullshit. I am not interested in these petty little games. I have much bigger things to look forward to, than to be getting involved in this childish nonsense. I’m better than that. I won’t steep to that level.

She can say whatever she wants. That is not going to change who I am. Plain and simple.

As I said, I have things to look forward to. I am getting more and more involved with the art community, I am preparing myself for school, etc. The only way is up from here, no matter how much my haters try to drag me down.  – Pooks

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