Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Things have been rocky lately. Obviously. If I’m not writing or creating art, somethings wrong.
To get to the point, I broke up with “my man” or whatever the fuck you want to call him.
I’m tired of arguing every weekend over the same shit repeatedly. It’s like that quote says; Don’t apologize, then continue making the same mistake. Ya know? Actions speak louder than words. You’re not fuckin sorry. I am just seen as some kind of doormat that isn’t taken seriously unless I dump your ass and kick you out. Yeah, and once I do that, suddenly his bahavior changes. Now he’ll start doing what I’ve asked him to do.
All I wanted was him to be a man and be the father that he is to our daughter. But no, alcohol and everything else was a priority. I’m sure cleaning can be put on hold for 15 -20 minutes so he can bond with his daughter. Get to know her. But no. He would drink past his limit, and say he can’t hold our daughter. Or… He’d clean and clean the house. Even shit that wasn’t necessary. Like sorting copper in the basement. After awhile, all I see is a coward that neglects his daughter.
Right now he’s spending time with her. AFTER I fuckin dump him. Typical. Seems to be the thing most men do.
But yeah, we’re done. I know this is just temporary, and if I take him back, shit will return to the same bullshit.
Anyways, our relationship isn’t really much these days anyways. He acts more like a roommate then anything. So yeah, makes me think that he was just interested in my home and nothing else. K. Maybe my home and sex. But since I haven’t seen this great father he claims to be, forget that shit! I mean he claims he was such a good “father” to his younger brother and sister. Really? Did you neglect them as much as you do our daughter?
But yeah, that’s another thing. Maybe he’s doubting our daughter is even his. His older sister did make a remark to him saying: “How could you be so stupid? She doesn’t even look like you!” That’s his sister whom is also a C.A.S worker. Maybe she should keep her profession at work. Ya know? Being a professional home wrecker and all. I don’t know how people can be proud of that occupation. You got to be sick and twisted taking pride in tearing families apart. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I guess it makes them feel so powerful and godly. Yup. Sick and twisted people out there.
Anyways, back to my issue. Alcohol seems to be a reaccuring thing. He drinks to relax, he drinks because he’s stressed, to have fun, and the lamest excuse yet;… because a woman at a gas pump frustrated him. Seriously?? Let’s make everything a reason.
He says “I knew about his drinking problem from the beginning.” Yup. I knew. It was stupid of me to think he would kick alcohol to the curb, just because he said he would for his child’s sake. He said February was his month to cut down, and he’d stop when the baby arrive. Well…he’s still drinking. Not only that but he sneaks to drink behind my back, and he lies to me. Freakin telling me it was 2, but no he’s moved up to 4. “Oh you have no idea how stressful my job is.” Really?? Your dad isn’t using that as an excuse. Apparently he was able to quit alcohol successfully AND he works in the same job field, construction! So yeah, everything that comes out of my now ex man’s mouth is a freakin excuse.
Another thing, he sends his ex a Facebook message. If he hates her sooooo much, what the fuck?? He says he did it because she said called him a dead beat, and he’d make nothing of himself when they broke up. So why does he value her opinion? Or what she thinks? And why does he keep bringing his past up? He says he’s over her, but…Yeah. Let’s contact the ex. Maybe because he said she bugged him for sex all the time, and I won’t bother to put out.
Yet that was one of the reasons I liked him, he said he didn’t need it all the time. Yet he has bugged me for sex again and again. Funny how that changed. I can go a long time without it.
Speaking of exes. He says I compare him a lot to my ex. Maybe I do. They both were molested as children. They both were abandoned by thier mothers at some point in their lives.They both claim to have “raised” thier younger siblings. As for the drinking shit, it’s like everything is on repeat. Same bullshit. Except my “now ex” man doesn’t go out partying. He just drinks more regularly and avoids us (our daughter and I) like a plague. My ex avoided his responsibility too when my son was a baby, and wasn’t really there either for our daughter as a baby. What a coincidence?! Even though my now ex man is under the same roof, he’s not really present either.
So yeah…pretty much the same shit. In it for the sex, but when its time to step up to the consequences of your actions, like a freakin baby!!, he’s too damn busy with everything else.
So yeah, I don’t really get breaks. His dad baby-sat once, but other than that. I’m busting my ass. And clearly that isn’t enough. My now ex man expects me to take care of the baby, and do housework. As a breastfeeding and bottle feeding mom, sometimes I feel pinned to the couch feeding for hours. I’m lucky to get one chore done in a day. I’m lucky if I can even do any self care for crying out loud, such as a shower. But yeah, he’s not really that involved, and couldn’t comprehend the struggle.
Anyways, he’s packing his stuff. I want him out. But knowing my luck, he will probably pull the same shit as my ex, and take my daughter with him. C.A.S seems to favor the white men.
What else? Maybe it’s too much stress and pressure building up. Ontario Works…First Nations Housing Co-Op..
If I move to this new place with him, I’m no longer eligible for OW. We will struggle, especially if he continues to drink. As for First Nations Housing Co-Op, my subsidy has been terminated. Rent will be going up. And yeah, this place isn’t worth being charged the extra. Technically, we shouldn’t even be in this house. I mean with the asbestos in the basement. It’s a health risk. Not to mention other things like the structural integrity of the stairway floor joist. Basically my livingroom floor can clasp in on itself if too much weight is put onto it. Half of my home isn’t even insulated. So on and so forth.
So yeah, if we were still together we would be moving into another house in June or July. But since I can’t picture myself tolerating anymore of this drinking and neglect shit, we’ll just have to find our own homes separately. Meaning, it’s probably back to London Housing for me. Get myself and our baby on a waiting list. It’s a step backwards, but better than living in house that should be condemned, and staying in a relationship that ceases to exist anymore.
Funny because it would have been our 1 year Anniversary on the 21st. So we didn’t even last a year.
Sorry I knew what I wanted in a relationship, and he couldn’t live up to it. Sorry I thought he was capable of things he isn’t, obviously. I think I have had it with men. Here’s to celibasy! Turns out women are more “manly”, and do have “the balls” so to speak. Men are just cowardly pussies thinking with thier penis.They can’t handle half the shit women go through. Heck! They’re scared of a little baby for crying out loud! Not to forget that they can’t handle a little baby vomit, pee, or poo.
I can’t remember who said it, but yeah, if you can’t handle baby vomit, don’t have kids.
So yeah, no point in getting another Depo shot in 3 months. Love is temporary and doesn’t last, like all things. It’s just a mental phase or illusion that comes with more pain.
I’m done fighting about the same shit. If he wants to keep alcohol in his life, he can have it. I am out. – Pooks
“It’s like a switch, clickin’ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden there’s peace.” – Tennessee Williams on alcoholism
To be honest, I have been avoiding my blog lately. Sure it has it’s pros, but it also has it’s cons. The perks being that it keeps people within my life in check and even myself. Having time to think and analyze the events in my life, I don’t see how that can be a negative. It’s just me trying to understand things, or it releases some unwanted energy. My blog is not all negative. I do share positives within my life, my gratitude. And who knows, maybe my perspective as a native woman in this world can open some eyes.
The negative regarding blogging? Well… As it has happened numerous times, people in society or organizations have tried to use my blog against me. They follow my blog to gossip, or just become too overly nosy with my personal life. But I did bring that upon myself. That’s what happens when you are so open. Not everyone that reads is a fan, some just read to judge. That just comes with the territory.
I was considering the thought of ending this blog. But then, that would do me no good. I’m an introvert, and my thoughts, good or bad, need to go somewhere. Yeah, I could write in a personal journal. But it’s not the same as sharing, and getting my thoughts out there. If I were to stop blogging, my thoughts and emotions would build up, and that wouldn’t be any good for my mental health. It would just lead to depression. Taking some time to reflect, is actually a good thing to practice. So why let others stop me from expressing myself? Thinking is not a crime. However, it is scary how society tries to control what you think. Or what you’re allowed to think.
However, if I told them how to think, I’m sure they would take offense.
I even found a site where someone clearly thinks I’m just a whiny bitch or something. Umm..no. But this blog is listed as #29 of the top people who feel sorry for themselves.
Well, if they were in my predicament at the time, I’m pretty sure they too would come close to suicide. It’s painful for a parent to lose their child (or children). Either it be death, or C.A.S. So if you can’t comprehend how much pain that kind of loss puts on a parent, then shut the hell up.
Things have gotten better. I don’t see myself as someone that feels so sorry for themselves. I’m actually quite grateful for a lot of things. When it comes to my children, I’m proud I never gave up. I fought damn hard just to get what I have, and that’s visits on weekends. At least I can still be a part of their lives.
Gotta love it when people judge and they don’t really know who the fuck you are, let alone your full story.
So yeah, fuck the nosy judgmental fucks! This blog will live on! Like I said before to someone that tried to intimidate me with their judgement on this blog before, at least I have the guts to be so open.
Besides, wither in positive or negative light, I’m still getting your attention. I don’t force people to read my blog, it’s the readers choice. So yeah, miigwech! 🙂 -Pooks
“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.”
– Shannon L. Alder
After talking to my OW worker on the phone, she was asking why I haven’t been showing up to Leads lately. I’m pretty sure I already explained that in my previous blog. So yeah, I filled her in. She suggested that I e-mail the Leads worker to give her feedback regarding how our last appointment went. That way the same doesn’t happen with future, or other clients. Ya know? Keep it professional. So I did that. My OW made it a point to not express any hostility, but to explain my perspective of what took place. Hopefully, I accomplished that. The following is what I sent, hopefully I don’t sound too much like a bitch.
my OW worker has requested that I contact you, & follow up with you even though it is no longer necessary for me to go ahead with Leads. I will be job searching independently for the remainder of time of my pregnancy.
However, she did say that giving you feedback regarding our last appointment could be beneficial to you and future clients.
In your last email you apologized for your poor communication. I can forgive you for that. But I must let you know how I felt, and why I walked out.
First off, I felt like your questions had nothing to do with employment, and found them rather personal. Questions regarding my relationship, my pregnancy, my family, and if CAS is involved. None of those topics have anything to do with why I come to Leads in the first place. I feel like you forgot your own occupation. You are not a psychologist, councilor, or an interrogation officer. The way you asked those questions, it was like a lightning round of questions. You were not really giving me time to think about my answers, you were cutting me off. As a deep thinker i prefer time to think before I speak. So that came off as rude and disrespectful, and it triggered my anxiety. It came off as aggressive behavior so I walked out of my appointment.
To avoid the same situation with other clients, I suggest focusing on skills and employment.
Thank you for taking the time to read my perspective. I hope my feedback will come in handy for the sake of others.
Pauline King Shannon
Anyways, my OW worker gave me the option to either continue with Leads, and try to work things out with this worker, or for the last 2 months of my pregnancy, job search independently. However, she did say that trying to work it out with the Leads worker would give me some experience when dealing with difficult people or situations in the work field. That was before she thought about it, and gave me the option to job search independently. I got 2 more months to go. I mean, mobility is becoming more and more of a challenge. My tummy is growing into a beach ball. So yeah, job searching from home for 2 months would be a hell of a lot easier.
Umm… yesterday I was feeling kinda down. But thanks to my babe for listening and trying to understand. Even though I know he can’t possibly fathom what I was feeling. Yes, being pregnant is wonderful. But at the same time… Ughhh… I miss being as active I used to be. Also, pregnancy can come with some unpleasant side effects. For example: a bladder infection, hemorrhoids, swollen feet, ankles and fingers, indigestion, itchy breasts, etc, etc. So no, I’m not feeling so fabulous lately. And running to the washroom every 2 hours at night, ugh..no fun. I’m losing sleep. So there is a part of me that is getting impatient, and kinda feel tired of being pregnant. Like, just pop already! Lol Then there’s another part of me that doesn’t want to pop just yet, we aren’t ready. We still need a crib mattress, and other things for when I go into the hospital.
For a while there, I felt like I was being ignored, because my partner would be playing a videogame on the XBox One for hours. But he proved me otherwise. He turned off his game just to talk to me. So there goes that assumption that the game was a higher priority. Yup, scratch that. My babe is amazing. Probably just my freakin hormones going crazy. Thinking the worst.
Anyways, feeling much better today. Not as gloomy. I only got 2 more months to go, so yeah. I can do this!!
What else? … Sounds like my babe will be switching jobs soon. He works for his Dad, as a framer, and it sounds like his dad is done with framing and is gonna move onto other things. Luckily for my babe, he has a number of jobs to fall back on. I mean, he was offered 3 jobs that are there and waiting. So yeah, that’s pretty awesome.
Speaking of my babe, his portrait that I painted is off to New York for the Twitter Art Exhibit. Hopefully it arrives to it’s destination safely. This year all original post card art will be benefiting Foster Prides “Homemade program”. A program in which young women in foster care learn to create and market a unique line of goods.
It’ll be my third time participating in the Twitter Art Exhibit. Ya know? It kinda gives my art a purpose when I am able to help out non- profit organizations by donating my art. I tend to do that a lot. Lol Even locally. But I don’t know, I get a sense of a greater accomplishment that way. It’s like David Sandum ( the curator of the Twitter Art Exhibit) says; Art can make a difference.
Speaking of art, my mans mother and her boyfriend surprised me yesterday. They called and were requesting for a commission piece. Even though I hardly ever do commission pieces, but we’ll see how that goes. I’ve done commission work once, I think I can do it again. But normally, I like to paint and create whatever I want.
However, my focus at the moment is creating something for the next Up with Art event. A fundraising event that benefits the homeless through the Unity Project. The thing is, now that I have completed and shipped off my art to the Twitter Art Exhibit, my mind is at a blank or stand still when it comes to my next project. Can’t force inspiration, or creativity, it just happens. So hopefully, I can come up with something before the Spring.
Onto other things…. my man said that once we are done saving up for our baby and getting everything he/she needs. We can start saving up to see my family up north. That’s awesome! I got a feeling that my man will love it up in Trout Lake. My Aunt is already planning to take him to all her best fishing spots. Lol So yeah, that’s exciting. If not this year, maybe next year. Yaaaaay!
My cousin said it would be awesome if I could bring all 3 of my children. My son, daughter, and the baby. Yeah that would be awesome, but I think my son and daughter are too urbanized. I think they would complain the whole time being out in the bush. Heck, it’s challenging enough just to get them to go to the conservation areas within the city with me. And I’m not sure my ex would allow that, since such a thing wasn’t allowed in the past. Things may have changed since then, and who knows, maybe he’d appreciate the break. But yeah, we’ll see when the time comes.
Speaking of my son and daughter, my son didn’t come to the last weekend visit. That was a bit disappointing, but it is his choice. This attitude he has towards my man is getting beyond annoying. My man is a good man. He’s not abusive. He works his ass off to make sure me and the kids are well off. And yeah, I’d hate to say it, but my son is being an ungrateful little shit. But I guess that kind of behavior is to be expected when adults, such as teachers and parents, let children walk all over them or just let the kid have their freakin way. And since my man won’t tolerate any disrespect or ungratefulness, he tries to discipline or teach that there are consequences to ones actions…No, my son won’t have it. How dare anybody try to teach him anything or discipline him in anyway. So yeah, perhaps all this, whatever my ex is teaching our son, is back-firing on us all, because our son has no respect for any authority figure. Parents included. Maybe it would be better off teaching him that kinda stuff, anti-capitalism stuff, when he’s older and not so literal. He’s 10 years old for crying out loud! Better yet, start teaching him to survive on his own. Teach him to cook, clean, garden, etc, etc. That way he’s not completely screwed over when it comes time to go out into the world on his own. That’s 8 years away, look how quick 10 years flew by. Geez!!
Yeah, things with my son are a bit frustrating lately, and my ex wants us to coddle him basically. But the way I see it, we’re the adults, he’s the child. It’s not the other way around. There needs to be discipline, and routine, and structure with a child, otherwise…yeah. You get my point. Ughhhh!!! Stressed out mama.
Thankfully, were not going through this bullshit with our daughter. Ya know? She’s doing amazingly well in school, and actually wants to go. So good for her. If she keeps that positive attitude, she can get pretty far.
So yeah, that is an ongoing issue regarding our son and us 3 adults. I’m at a loss when it comes to doing something about it. I mean, my time is limited with my son, and if he chooses to not visit, then he doesn’t visit. So majority of my sons fate is left up to my ex, and it doesn’t look very promising. That’s just my perspective. I’m his mother, I’m supposed to worry about his well-being.
Anyways, that’s enough of that. It’s stressful enough just thinking about it.
So yeah, that’s some of the things going on in my life.
Other than that, I got my appointment booked at the Birthing Centre. Get to go over my birth plan, so on and so forth. 2 more months to go, and my mans and I’s pudgy little baby will be here! 😀
As always, thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks
“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”
– Jane Wagner
Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.
Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.
Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.
I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.
We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!
Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.
Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?
It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.
It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us, our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.
I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.
I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.
If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks
I guess I might as well blog today, because if I don’t, I will emotionally explode.
Anyways, I’m not well, emotionally, psychologically. I’m at a point where I think relationships suck, and the drama involved is just not worth it.
Going from no drama, to straight drama for 3 weeks in a row.
Lately it’s a continuation of when my supposed boyfriend accused me of blackmail when he was drinking. Saying that was the wrong term to use. But now he’s saying that him insisting that I ask permission to take any photos of him and post them online was the wrong term to use. Like make up your fuckin mind! Which was it?
Anyways, I found it pretty fucked up how I wasn’t allowed to post any photos of him, without his permission, yet his lady friend of his can?!! She had taken a pic of his ass, he was bent over, and that was okay. Well that just put things right into perspective. Ya know? Thanks for the wake up call, I clearly am not THAT fuckin special. This other woman gets a privilege that your supposed “queen” doesn’t. Yeah, that makes a lot of fuckin sense.
Not only that, but this fuckin woman has been getting under my skin for a while now. I used to be friends with her, but then fuckin deleted and blocked her because of her negativity. She was always bitching about something. Anyways, the only reason I had her back on my friend list was because my man asked me to unblock and re-add her, so that she can print off pics of us for him. But of coarse that was bullshit. That never happened. She just turned out to be this obsessive troll “liking” every single pic and post regarding my man. After awhile, I can kinda take a hint. She has a thing for my man. I mean, she was posting pics of him on her own timeline, 5-7 at a time. So yes, that gets annoying. Like fuck! Clearly she has no respect for this relationship. I mean, she comes up with the dinky little excuses just to get my man over to her place. This needs to be fixed. Oh that needs to be fixed. Since when is he your bitch?!
But whatever, I’m not interested in the drama. No man is worth fighting over, she can have him! The only people worth fighting for are my kids.
Which brings me to another point. My supposed man is this womans daughters god father. This is what he wrote to me this morning in a letter:
“I’m only there to help make [god childs name] life better, nothing more, nothing less, and if you’re asking me to stop being [god childs name] god father, it’s wrong on your part for being selfish. I’ll always be there for my kid, because it’s my child.”
Well then… what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. Maybe he should have moved in with his god-child and her mother!! Instead of knocking me up and moving in. All that talk about him wanting a kid. Ugggh…. I mean, he’s “already got one.” “Do you know how much that means to me?” clearly doesn’t mean shit, because he used the same exact phrase towards this cunt.
Another thing, he posted this thing on FB saying noone understands him without thinking he’s being sarcastic or an asshole. And whose the first one to jump on that?? She is. Saying “I’ve understood you for years now.” Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe they should be together if they have such an “understanding”. Again, what the fuck am I doing? Ya know? I’m just in the way.
So yeah, I want to fuckin end it all. This bullshit relationship, that probably wouldn’t even last because of all the doubts I have anyways. Such as doubting he can ever drop his dependency on alcohol for whatever excuse he comes up with; flashbacks, physical pain, for fun, to celebrate occasions, so that he’s not so “scatter-brained”, the list goes on and on. Yeah, try to tell me your not an alcoholic.
But yeah, that’s how I’m feeling. She says she has no interest in him that way, but her actions speak louder than her words. And I’m not interested in that triangular love drama bullshit.
I should’ve stayed single. There is always someone that can’t respect a relationship between 2 people, and I am not interested in that shit!
As for my child that I’m pregnant with. It was silly of me to believe this stupid fantasy, like C.A.S will let me keep a child. They will probably just take it away, or give him/her to the white father, just like my other 2.
So yep. I just keep fuckin up, making all the wrong fuckin choices. – Pooks
Tip of the day:
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton
Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.
Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.
Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂
Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!
Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.
Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.
So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.
Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol
Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.
Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.
He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.
I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.
I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.
And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.
Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.
I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.
Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.
My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.
I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what? Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.
On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!
So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.
So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways, My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.
Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks
Well here I am, writing again. Twice in one day. Actually, now it’s past midnight, so technically it’s the next day. I just think of it as the same day because I have not slept yet.
The reason for me writing again is because my biological family had a bit of a scare tonight. We almost lost someone valuable to us.
My cousin found out that her mother was hospitalized, and that she was drinking and nearly froze to death. My heart sank when I read that on Facebook. As I’ve mentioned before, freezing to death is how two of my uncles passed away, and my grandmother.
My aunt and my uncle are the only elders left of the Kings. There’s only two left standing. And the way I see it, they are the closest connections I got to my deceased Mother, and any family history that we may have. So yes, it would be a tragic loss if either of those two were to die.
The good news is, my aunt is okay, and is recovering.
My cousin is pretty hurt, angry, sad, worried…a whole bunch of emotions regarding my aunts addiction to alcohol. Understandable, it is her mother in the hospital. Of coarse she’s going to be frantic.
Sadly substance abuse is how a lot of our people cope with life as a native. Many residential school survivors use substances to bury the pain and trauma. It’s not really an excuse, but the truth of our cultures past reality. It clearly still has an impact to this day. Very devastating.
I remember when I went up north for the family reunion, My Aunt, another relative and I went to the bar. My aunt did drink quite a bit. I don’t think she remembers telling me what she told me regarding her own experiences in a residential school. She kept her head down, her back hunched, what I saw and heard was a woman in severe emotional pain. I listened and hugged her. What she shared with me, I will not repeat. I think she trusted me with that, which is why she told me. That is her truth, that I hope she can gain the courage to share wide open one day. Anyways, I didn’t drink that night. I drank lots of Pepsi and 7Up though. It’s a good thing too, because I was able to walk my Aunt back to where we were staying. Too bad nobody sober was with her this time around.
Regardless, I am glad she is okay, and that we didn’t lost another King. I worry about those two, my Aunt and my Uncle. They are homeless. So yeah, it’s hard to keep track of where they are, and how they’re doing.
However, there is a way to help somewhat, by helping their local emergency shelter. I just checked the Aviva website, even though the shelter didn’t fund-raise enough, or get enough votes, there’s still an option to donate to the Red Lake Area Emergency Shelter. So if you can donate, please do. Miigwech in advance.
I think I’ll finish this post off with a poem written by my Aunt. One of my favorites. If you like it, find her on FB and inquire about her book; A Book of Poetry. Anyways, here it goes;
An Indians Tears
In the realm of my dreams
no artistry comes to mind this artist has become blind
eyes that once shone with pride
behind dark glasses, they now hide
memories of days gone by
remembering, she begins to cry
“Indians don’t cry”, so they say
their pride won’t let them anyway
Too often I have cried in sorrow
wishing only for a better tomorrow
this Indian woman is not too proud to cry
you have witnessed my tears, and yet, don’t ask “why?”
is it out of respect or out of shame
that you huddle close, as you whisper my name
Don’t worry yourselves so
for I already know
my tears are a hindrance to you all
But, they will continue to fall
who knows when this face will smile again
who will be around to ease the pain
no answers reach my ears
as your eyes now too, fill with tears
don’t hang your heads in shame
for, our tears have a name
© 2008 Sarah Jane King
Thanks for reading. I know my family has it’s problems, but I love them. Society played it’s part when it comes to colonialism. There’s no doubt about that. So there is no point in blaming the victim. Maybe it’s time to wake up and take a real good look at how First Nations people are treated, in the past, AND in the present. Perhaps it’s time to make a right in a more positive direction. Fuck your racist elitists!
Just the fact that I can relate to my aunts poems regarding racism, and being native in this world, scares me. Especially because she wrote those poems years ago, and I am the next generation. Wow. that is pretty shocking. Are our children going to feel this pain as well? – Pooks
“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching
— they are your family. ”- Jim Butcher
It’s funny how at my Leads appointment this week we were talking about goal setting, and planning, because over these last 2 weeks, nothing has gone as planned. The way I see it, things don’t go as planned anyways, so why plan? I mean, you are a fool to think you have control over anything outside yourself. Anyways, I discovered that I don’t really plan a year, or 5 years in advance. Maybe a day, a week, or a month. But never too far ahead.
I tend to think that not only do plans not go in a straight line as we imagine. Heck, it could spontaneously take us on this wild curve out in left field. So it’s silly to picture it as a line to follow, a lot of the time, many things we have no control over. Realistically, it’s a scribble.
Also, I think that plans lead to expectations, which only lead to disappointment and unnecessary stress. Why would you put yourself through that? Just accept life and the things that happen within it is out of your hands. You can only control how you react. Which, I’m not so great at. I clearly need some work there because I tend to be a bit of an emotional spaz.
Anyway, last Friday I did show up for my visit where we do our pick ups and drop offs at Tim Hortons, but since my ex never did receive my message, my kids didn’t show. Can’t say that I didn’t try. Kinda glad they didn’t show because after spending an hour outside waiting for the bus, I was freezing.
As for this week, the plan was to go to the food bank, I was going to do that today. Nothing like doing things at the last minute. But when I checked the weather this morning, and saw the extreme cold weather warning. Yeah, I was like; fuck it! Then I crawled back into bed. I mean, I have to walk to and from wherever I go to save the bus tickets I do have. No thanks. I don’t feel like lugging food around in the freakin cold. Not in that fuckin weather!The Salvation Army would be closer, but still quite a hike to be lugging food from. It would be more so from the main Food Bank. So yeah, no visit this weekend either.
I could use the week to clean anyways. I should be fine to go ahead with the visit on the 28th. By then I should be more prepared. I won’t be flat broke, I can pick up food that the kids will actually eat. Picky eaters, there’s a huge chance my kids wouldn’t have eaten what I gave them had I gone to the Food Bank. So yeah, maybe it’s better off I wait.
If I can’t bare the cold, why the heck would I want to drag my kids out in it? Hopefully next weekend it won’t be as cold.
By the way, thoughts and condolences go out to the family that lost their 3 year old family member named Elijah, whom had froze to death around Toronto not too long ago. That is very sad. I had 2 uncles, and a grand mother that froze to death. May they all rest in peace.
Anyways, I’ve been going without coffee and smokes, that has been loads of fun. Probably why I’m sleeping more than usual. It’s been a bit rough. But I’m getting through it. I’m amazed I even made it to Leads, although I past right out as soon as I returned home.
My sleeping schedule is completely backwards again. I feel wide awake when others would be sleeping, and I’m sleeping during business hours.
Not too much has been going on. Although I did complete a painting. Yaaay! After battling with some procrastination, I finally completed it. It was the details I wasn’t looking forward to, but I did it.
Anyways, maybe I’ll try to make it to the breakfast at a nearby church tomorrow, that might do me some good.
I noticed that my T4 and T5 came in. Hint hint. Do your taxes. Pay the government to commit genocide of your own people and fellow people of colour.This world makes me sick. But as I’ve come to realize, no one is gonna do shit. Let’s just wait a bit longer, and let our kids deal with it. Just like the generations before us. Chicken shits.
But yeah, I don’t really do the activism shit now anyways. It’s draining, disappointing, and depressing. As I’ve spoken with my Leads worker, there must be another way that I can feel like I’m helping others, or the Earth, without having to take in so much negativity.
That reminds me of something regarding social media. Diana Thorneycroft accepted my friend request on Facebook. OMG IT”S DIANA THORNEYCROFT!!!! K, now that I got the fan girl thing out. I feel much better. 🙂 I’ve been a fan of hers since high-school. I should’ve skipped class when she had an exhibition here in London in 2013. Hopefully she returns one day. She’s an awesome photographer. I love her work! She’s kinda rebellious, and I love it! So yeah, as my Uncle would say; Cool sa!
Anyways, I don’t really have much else to write about. Been kinda comatose lately. Hope you enjoyed. – Pooks
“Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion.”
– Audrey Niffenegger
Things are starting to look up this month. And perhaps I’ll be able to see my children sooner than I had thought. Maybe I won’t have to wait until March.
Anyways, since Merrymount cannot forward my message regarding visits, I’ll do it myself, in a very public manner.
Thanks to the Trillium money that came in, I was able to get myself bus tickets. I still have $20 left over that I can use for this upcoming Friday visit. So it’s a go. If I manage not to spend the whole $20 during that visit, and at least hold onto $1.35 (bus fare for a child, that I was short on), then the visit on the 21st is also a go ahead. Mind you I’ll need to hit a food bank, but that’s okay. And if I’m missing anything I’ll need for the 4 meals during their weekend visit, I’ll ask Merrymount to browse through their food cupboard, since they had offered that service when I had e-mailed them to cancel the visits. I couldn’t take up their offer then, I had no means of transportation at the time. But I can take up that offer now if be.
When it comes to Food Banks, I know for sure that I can whip something up for 2 lunches and a dinner. It’s something I can give my children for breakfast that has me concerned. Anyways, I’ll go to a Food Bank next week and see what I get.
If we go to the dollar store for their snacks, and beverages during the Friday visit, instead of the convenient store, holding onto $1.35 out of $20 shouldn’t be a problem.
So yeah. I’m pretty sure the next 3 visits, for the remainder of the month, can still go on. OW should be in before the end of the month, and I should be okay for the 28th.
Meaning, I only missed out on one weekend visit. The rest of the visits are still very possible. Yaaaay! The clouds in my world can now clear.
I think I just needed to change my state of mind. Which I have made some changes. Especially online. Rather than bombarding myself with bad news, I replaced most of it with inspiration and art.
I was adsorbing too much negativity, and yeah, that shit can literally kill you. It can drive you to a frightfully deep depression, a state of hopelessness, and suicide. I was talking to a stranger on Twitter, who in fact was concerned for my well-being because of how dark I’ve become. I believe his words were; “I can sense a suicidal tendency in you.” So yeah, perhaps it was time to change my perspective. I need to seek out positive things, happy things, inspiring things… such things do exist. I just need to find them.
I recall something my Leads worker said once, and that was that I need more optimism in my life. She’s right. It’s time to take care of myself. Time to do some healing.
Speaking of Leads, I missed my appointment again. Last week, and this week. It will be reported to my OW worker. But I did make an effort. This week I actually got out of bed, I was showered, getting ready, but my timing was off. Although the sudden motivation was there.
It was after e-mailing back and forth with her that I started to feel better. Perhaps not all people are bad, and there is something about this person that I do look forward to. Not only that, she’s been extremely patient and understanding with me. That I can respect. Therefore, she deserves the effort.
Thanks to an art friend, that messages me online on FB. He knew I wasn’t feeling 100%. He did ask what was wrong, and I told him that I did not want to burden him with my problems. So he went on to talking about other things such as music, art, and other things that made me giggle. After awhile I started to feel like myself again. So thanks to him for being there. For being a friend when I needed one.
I find myself picking myself back up, with some unexpected assistance that I am very grateful for.
Anyways, all this was just a reminder; it’s Pooks, maggot on the rise, not maggot on the fall. Haha! It’s a little Slipknot fan metaphor there. Fellow maggots will get it. 😉
It’s funny how you think you’re going, or you’re meant for a certain direction, but then BAM! Nope, perhaps that’s not my path. You live, and you learn. You’ll never know if you don’t give things a try. I know I am extremely sensitive to energy, but perhaps that is meant to be used for my art, and not activism. I think I’ll try to be more careful of how much negativity I take in. Like I said, it can be dangerous. For now, I really need to seek out the positive things in life. – Pooks
“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.”- Stephen Richards