Hit Another Stage

Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!

Anyways, I know I’m not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I’ve gone from weekly, to every two weeks.  Basically, I’m just posting when I find the time.

Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I’m not overly tired either, I can blog.

A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.

The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there’s a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I’m good!

Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn’t a happy camper that day.  I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I’d assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn’t the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.

Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.

Not to mention I didn’t appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That’s not your job. She’s not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn’t any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I’m 6-7 months pregnant. I’m not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I’ll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I’m obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I’m late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don’t get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn’t want this woman as worker anymore.

So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and I really don’t want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.

Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it’s like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I’m a good mom. My kids know I’m a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That’s one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That’s the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.

I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He’s got more support than the average child. He’s still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.

My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He’s rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…

Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It’s difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it’s a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he’s kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue,  they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he’s doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They’d rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can’t see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.

Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.

As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he’d learn in school. So that he doesn’t fall too much behind.  My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We’ll start from scratch and build him up from there.

My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I’s  son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don’t want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.

In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.

Anyways, it’s pretty sad that my ex says he’s pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.

I know he’s a smart kid. He’s just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it’s time to learn, it’s time to learn. We weren’t given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don’t. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.

But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.

I’ve also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he’s still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He’s been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won’t do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.

There’s another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.

So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it’s a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.

Thankfully my daughter doesn’t have the same issue regarding school. She’s doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she’s been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She’s adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.

Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I’ve been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It’s going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it’s like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I mean, he says “art is the artists journey”, but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are  not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn’t learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won’t work unless he’s there. She has become highly dependent on him.

Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?

So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn’t go Wednesday. I didn’t feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.

Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I’m at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let  the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It’s a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.

I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.

Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So  the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.

Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that’s changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won’t be used for a first name, because I guess that would be “too embarrassing.”

Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂

Anyways, there’s a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We’re trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth.  I think that’s enough for this blog post anyways, you don’t need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.”

– Oscar Wilde

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

 

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Because Here It Is!

Well hello again!

It’s been a little over a week, so yeah I’m kinda late with this post. But that’s okay, because here it is….finally.

Umm… I’m not sure what to write, as usual. But yeah yeah, whatever, just type.

Okay, so a while back my man and I met a 65 year old woman outside the Beer Store. Anyways, she invited us over, and yeah… Won’t be going back there again. No, I wasn’t drinking, but I seemed to have been surrounded by people that were. That was kind of amusing to say the least.

Anyways, our first impression of this woman, we thought she was interested in hanging out with us because we are an interracial couple. And well…she’s part black, part native, and part white. At first she seemed cool, kinda sarcastic and giggly. But.. when we got to her place, I don’t know. Suddenly, I felt like I was put into that freakin position where people assume I’m a psychiatrist or something just because I’m a quiet person. Honestly, I fuckin hate that. I mean, a good 15 years of my life was spent listening to someone bitch. I’m kinda done with that shit. Nothing like being bombarded with a shit load of venting and negativity. After awhile, in these situations, I just wanna say; what the fuck are you grateful for?! Ya know?! Tell me something positive and good. Freakin switch it up a bit and change your damn attitude. Fuck! How and why do I attract these kind of people?! It gets a little frustrating after awhile.

I mean, I do understand her frustration and anger regarding racism, and discrimination. You know? The whole alienation thing. I get it. Not really fitting anywhere. But, you don’t see me ranting about this shit to random people either. It’s stuff I write about. If people want to read my rants or any other crazy freakin thoughts, by all means. I leave it up to my readers. It’s not forced in your fuckin face.

Not only that, but she seemed to have some abandonment issues. Trying to tell me my man is just going to up and leave me eventually, because “all men do” in her opinion. Well… I honestly don’t need someone like that filling that kind of shit in my head. Ya know? Just because she had problems in her past with men, doesn’t mean that my man is the same. I refuse to believe that. He’s been absolutely amazing as a boyfriend, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Another thing, apparently her son, whom was also there, is a friend or acquaintance of my ex. And well… I try to keep our crowds separate. So another reason why we won’t be going back. Ya know? Both my man and I agree, we need more positive, optimistic people in our lives, especially with the baby on the way.

Anyways, onto other things. I missed my Leads appointment apparently, but I was kinda focused and excited for my babies first ultrasound. So yeah, any other plans during last week kinda went out the window. Minus the visit with muh other babies, of coarse I’m going to be there for them.

I had my visit with my children shortly after my ultrasound, so that was a good day. And now that I am a little past 12 weeks pregnant, maybe I won’t have to worry about the morning sickness and nausea as much. For awhile, that was kicking my ass. Good times. Haha!

Newho, we still don’t know the sex of the baby, and are still undecided about the name were going give our child. My daughter is hoping for a baby sister, and my son is hoping for a baby brother. Either way, I’ll be happy. I mean, my partner and I kind of giggled because we said our baby already sounds like royalty with both our last names combined; King- Wuytenburg. ❤

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm.. My visit with my kids went well. Even though it was kind of a rainy wet day. So their father gave me some money to take them to an internet cafe kind of place, called Gamerz Block. It was pretty cool. My kids got to play games online for an hour, and during that time, we stayed dry. The workers there were really friendly, and helpful. So yeah, it was a good evening with my children.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Other than that, we’ve managed to move some of my man’s belongings to my place. Slowly but surely the move is getting done. Of coarse, no heavy lifting for me, but I do what I can.

As for today, I kinda wanted to get out of my mans apartment for the day. So here I am, at home, blogging. There’s going to be people, possible future tenants viewing his apartment today, and yeah, I didn’t want to stick around. That would just be awkward. I would feel like a zoo animal on display or something while this takes place. So yeah, I got out of there temporarily.

Oh yeah, I can’t remember the exact day it was. But my man pampered me for a day. He surprised me with Rainbow Trout, Cheese Cake, and even got me a Detroit Red Wings cap. Ya know? Just because. Yeah, I’m lucky to have someone love me so much.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Not to mention that he’s proud to be becoming a father. I mean, he shows off the ultrasound pictures to as many people as he can. It’s cute.

Hard to believe it’s happening, but soon we will be sharing the same roof, as a family. He says our home will be a happy home, filled with lots of love. So yeah, looking forward to it all. I love his optimism.

Next summer we plan to have a kick-ass garden in the backyard. That’s going to be awesome. Who knows what else?!

Anyways, I gotta move stuff around the house, to make room for other stuff. I know, I know. Be careful, and don’t over do it. Hope you enjoyed the read! Until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

– William Shakespeare

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

The Rare Form

Okay. I know I usually post something Tuesdays or Wednesdays, but since my schedule has changed, I was kinda tired afterward.

New School of Colour has moved to Tuesday and Wednesdays, 5-8:30pm at The Ark. My Leads appointments are Tuesday mornings at 11am. So my Mid- week gets pretty busy.

Anyways, I got my hot chocolate by my side, I don’t feel like crashing and crawling back into bed. I’m good to go, on with the blog!

I guess I’ll start with the first thing that comes to mind, and it’s something that happened during the evening yesterday. I was helping a kid mix their paints, they were so fascinated watching the colours change right before their eyes. It was cute. Since I didn’t have anything to stir with at that moment, I just stirred the paint with my finger and put the excess paint on my face. I gave myself a cat nose, and whiskers with grey paint. Yes, we made grey.

Anyways, I don’t really see paint on my face as a problem. But apparently others do. For instance, after the art session, this freakin guy was too embarrassed to be seen walking with me in public because I still had the paint on my face. So he said to take a ride with someone else, this other guy couldn’t care what I have painted on my face. I could have the Blackhawks NHL logo painted on my face, and he’d still think I was cute. Really? Can you be anymore freakin insulting? I mean the Blackhawks NHL logo is an illustration of a natives face. Not only that, but paint on my face doesn’t change who I am, I’m still the same person beneath the paint. Yet I receive this shit load of bias negative bullshit for it. I cannot believe I dated this guy temporarily, at least until I smeared whipped cream all over my lips like lipstick back in the day. Yeah, clearly, that was too embarrassing. Heaven forbid what others will think! I honestly couldn’t give a shit.

That kinda automatically makes me want to retaliate, and deliver a message in my own way. Like show up to the next New School of Colour art session with my face painted deliberately to see who else will treat me differently for something so small. I mean the New School of Colour is supposed to be a safe space for numerous reasons, but I’m gonna focus on the social barriers aspect and really put that to the test. Are all people really accepted? Even the ones that practice this rare form to become the art?

At this very moment, I can relate to Asia Ray, from the Venice Beach Freakshow when she posted on FB saying; “Fuck pretty.” Us women are expected to look pretty, be dolled up, and be silent in this conservative world. Be “ladies”. Well… I’m sorry, but there is a side to me that is not all that. It’s creative, spontaneous, adventurous, curious ( I will ask questions), obnoxious (sometimes), and maybe even innovative! I can come up with ideas quite rapidly.  I have this need to explore and discover. Some people call that wild. It’s a side of me I refuse to let this world tame.

So if this freakin guy can’t accept me with a little paint on my face, well then he doesn’t accept all of me. I am one of those artists that tries to become the art. Heck, a couple weeks ago, I got an e-mail from someone that has admired what I have accomplished over these last few years and said; “I am truly inspired and impressed by the way you have turned your tragedy into a work of art that is your life.I guess I do create art, live art, breathe art, become the art.

Anyways, onto other things. I had a good visit with my children, thanks to the person who helped me out this month, otherwise my visits wouldn’t have been possible. Without their help, I would have been broke and forced to cancel.

As usual, we had a good weekend. I imagine as the weather gets nicer, we will be getting outdoors more often. Although this weekend we were indoors. Since I finally hooked up my DVD player after all these years, we’ve been going through DVD’s seeing which ones work, and which ones are garbage. Although I think the ones that are garbage can be reused for one of the little art projects I do with my daughter. My son usually plays games on the computer, and if he wants to join in with my daughter and I and play, that’s cool. I understand he’s getting older, and perhaps playing with stuffies is not his forte. But he will join us for a game of tag, or hide n’ seek, or even a snow ball fight at the bus stop. More active things, which I’m sure there will be more of soon enough, without the snow.

Speaking of the snowball fight at the bus stop, that was on our way back to Merrymount, my daughter noticed her glove was missing. She got so upset over it. She feared her fathers reaction over this one little article of clothing. She kinda panicked. We did look around, but didn’t back track too far because our bus would pull up any minute. We didn’t find it. So I reassured her that I would find it on my way back home. That I will walk and backtrack to find it. And I did! After dropping them off at Merrymount, I walked back home, and found it on the way. So hopefully their father didn’t freak out over a measly mitt. Ya know? Spring is around the corner, soon she won’t be needing it. Not to mention it has holes in it, she’ll be due for a new pair anyways next winter.

This time around, I wasn’t as stressed over time. I swear I become no fun when I am worrying about something as ridiculous as time. My anxiety goes through the roof. I panic about punctuality. But yeah, I was a lot more relaxed, and so were my kids. They were kinda tuckered out actually, they both fell asleep on the bus, on the way to Merrymount. That rarely happens, normally it’s just my son that goes to sleep because he gets motion sickness. Kudos to momma. You did a good job. They had a good weekend.

I finished one oil painting and started another at the New School of Colour… I guess there will be an exhibit along side the play that will be going on at the Palace Theater. “The Living Last Supper”. It is a fundraiser for the Ark Aid Street Mission, it takes place March 27th & 28th. I heard that the New School of Colours art will be on display in the lobby. So that’s pretty cool. Check it out, it will be the New School’s Fearless Leader’s acting debut. Jeremy Jeresky will be acting as Judas. The play is kinda bringing the famous painting by Leonardo DaVinci, “The Last Supper”, to life. Art inspiring art, that’s cool.

Speaking of exhibitions, last Tuesday I was so excited to see that the piece I submitted into the Twitter Art Exhibit was up on the wall in Moss, Norway. Thank you David Sandum for creating the Twitter Art Exhibit. This is my second time participating. This year, all the proceeds go to Home Start, which is a non profit organization that helps families in need. I am very proud to be a part of this exhibit, and to be doing my small part in helping others out there by donating my art to fund-raise.

Photo credit goes to David Sandum. Art by Pooks

Photo credit goes to David Sandum.

During my Leads appointment this week we were finding out about my strengths and abilities. We listed 8 major values. I’m not sure I can remember them all, but some were to help society, to help others, creativity, and I forget the rest. My thoughts kinda trailed there and got me thinking that maybe I’d make a good fundraiser. I enjoy participating, would I enjoy being behind the scenes? And where does one find a job as a fundraiser? Hmm.. that too is a possibility.

Speaking of jobs, I didn’t get the job at the Build- A- Bear Workshop. But I kinda laughed that off, saying it’s their loss, they just lost a creative genius. Haha! It was an optimistic way of looking at rejection.

Anyways, I think I babbled on long enough. I’m sure there’s some things I’m forgetting, that perhaps can be put into another post if and when I feel like it. Once again, thank you for reading! – Pooks

“When people rely on surface appearances and false racial stereotypes, rather than in-depth knowledge of others at the level of the heart, mind and spirit, their ability to assess and understand people accurately is compromised.”

– James A. Forbes

The Crazy and Insane

I had posted a blog post, but apparently it vanished. So lets try this again, shall we?! I know I said I didn’t feel like writing it all over again, but I am stubborn. I was pointing out some hypocrisy.

Anyway, last week during that whole #BellLetsTalk ordeal, I noticed a tweet from Western University that just made me want to crack up laughing.

10945656_781708721895807_8841851187041725376_nIt’s hypocritical because here they are supposedly “supporting” those with mental health problems, yet that’s the exact reason I was given the boot from this University, because of my “mental health.” Supposedly it was “too late” to go see a psychologist when I did.

Anyways, I posted on FB about this, I said:

They only care because it’s a trend. It’s always about what other people will think. An image to maintain. Pathetic.

It is sad when people only “support” the mentally ill for a pat on the back, for social approval, or a gold star. So excuse me if I don’t believe in their concern, and I believe it’s staged for an audience. It’s false empathy.

Then I went on to talking about my own mental health…and other stuff….

As for my mental health, I’m doing wonders when I am not being pressured into what’s unnatural. Pressured into conformity. Without the pressure to be like everybody else, I’m fabulous! No anxiety, no panic attacks. It’s been awhile.

Conformity is the mental health problem. Your minds have been fucked with, which goes way back to childhood and all the “organizations/ social institutions” ( Education, Religion, Political Systems, Economy, and Family. Yes, families are considered an organization as well. We are to raise our children to be obedient slave workers. Forget love, it’s all about business for the system. Non- conformists raise a “red-flag” because they are a threat to the system. They can change things. No no no, don’t want that. Especially your elitists, they like the way things are.)

So the way I see it now, is that I’m not the one with the problem. They are, and they are many. They are just too brain washed to see it.

This looks like a good spot to take a break, and share a video by Morgue.

When it comes to these people and they want to label and stigmatize you, it’s like they’re saying; “You’re not like me, there’s something wrong with you.” Ummm…seriously? I’m not meant to be your replica. I know that, why don’t you?

Now I’m not saying that I am 100% cured now. That’s not the case. I’m sure I still have some issues that will randomly pop up due to a life time of abuse. That is bound to have some side effects. Such as trust issues. I rarely open up to people, and often regret doing so. People are cruel.

I have anxiety and depression. I still need to overcome my anxiety when it comes to being assertive and confronting people. That is a trigger. Although, according to my Leads worker, whom has given me examples of when I was assertive, and done okay, I guess I am getting better, and this is not permanent after all. The only barrier is in my mind. Kinda like everybody else in this insane world. I mean how many times do we need to have an oil spill, or a pipe explosion in order to realize that we need to try something else?

As for my depression, it comes and goes. I do get depressed during those gaps between visits with my children. But I think any loving parent would if they had to wait to see their child again. So yeah, sometimes I just want to sleep the days away until I see them again.

Reading the news, it’s often bad news, so that can get depressing. Oppression is everywhere, and we are trapped in this prison. I wish others would just wake up already!  The ignorance, and the conscience ignorance can get very frustrating. Many activists desperately try to get the message across. But many of the people just choose to ignore and continue on with their insanity. So yeah, there are times where it does feel utterly hopeless. But for some strange reason we dust ourselves off, and keep trying.

Discrimination for many different reasons ( being native, being a woman, poverty, mental health, being a survivor of abuse, etc etc…) can put a damper on a persons self-esteem, and cause depression. Heck, I don’t believe I’ll get a job in this city because of my brown skin. So in a way, I kind of gave up on that, and put more focus on my art. I’m a lot happier that way, than trying to be something I’m not.

In my original post that vanished into thin air… I kinda ranted about my ex. Regarding my trust issues. How lying for him is not worth it, and I took a personal vow to be more honest. My honesty now often gets me into a lot of shit. But whatever, it’s better than lying. Let alone lying to cover up someone else’s bullshit, just to get stabbed in the back. I think any woman in my position would not take him back. So yeah, he’s pretty fuckin dumb to think that is even possible. Especially since we’ve separated, I just go through more verbal abuse from him. He has stalked me online here for 5 years to get his material to talk shit. Saying I’m a witch, I’m dating a gay guy that wears lipstick ( I believe he got that from my Me v.s Me duality pic), so on and so forth. Who in their right mind would take that back??  I don’t think so.

So yeah, due to his online stalking, I was going to take a vacation from this blog, but I decided to say fuck it! I have some thoughts that need to be shared! Even if he can’t keep his nose out of my business, and has this crazy thought that he can still live through me. Umm..no! That door has been closed a long time ago!

For anyone that doesn’t really know the background of that relationship, it was a lot of abuse and bullshit. That pretty much sums it up.

So on top of my own mental health issues, I got to deal with his unstable mental ass as well. If I could, I’d rather not.

He’s not the only abuser. There are others before him that I clearly will experience side effects from as well.

But thanks to all that bullshit, and trauma, I have become more sensitive to the energy around me, and I’ve become extremely empathetic. It’s a gift, a painful gift to bear, but still a rare gift.

Not only that, but it has taught me to respect myself, that I deserve respect and to be treated better than the way any of my abusers have treated me. So I am intolerant to abuse, and disrespect. I use the power and control wheel to protect myself. If anyone displays any of those behaviors, yeah, bye!

It’s too bad more people in this world don’t do that, because then they’d realize that they too are being abused by their elitists, their leaders, the 1%. Through the years I’ve learned that abuse isn’t just a personal problem of mine, it’s a global issue. Thanks to media, for numbing us to violence, we tend to think it’s normal and okay. This is the way it’s meant to be, but it’s not. – Pooks

“Our society tends to regard as a sickness any mode of thought or behavior that is inconvenient for the system and this is plausible because when an individual doesn’t fit into the system it causes pain to the individual as well as problems for the system.”

– Theodore Kaczynski

Into an Abyss of Withdrawal

Honestly, I did not want to write today. But here I am writing anyways. It is just something I have to do. I can’t really explain it, but it is a part of what I am. A passion I can’t let slide no matter how depressed I may be feeling. It is a part of my purpose.

So now you know depression is the issue here. I didn’t want to write and just be a total downer. I’m not one to burden others with my shit. In person, as far as you know; “I’m fine.”

I guess a lot has hit me all at once over the holidays. A supposed best-friend rejects and kicks me to the curb just before Christmas for being “too offensive”. For being too honest. I guess people only say they respect and want honesty until they actually get it.

But then again, this is a person that has flat out told me she doesn’t like and only tolerates this other artist that paints hockey logos. Or as I referred to as the cock-eyed red head. But on Monday, there she is pretending to be all buddy buddy with her. Wow! Bravo! Someone should totally nominate this  woman for an Oscar Award. Her acting is astounding! Too bad this other person isn’t aware of her bullshit. I kinda feel bad she’s being played like that, even though me and this “cock eyed red head” did have our own issues in the past.

I personally would not be able to do that. Live a lie like that. Lying to myself and others. Seems like a shameful, deceitful way to live. But than again, I have come to the realization that not only are majority of the people cowards, but they are also fake ass people pleasers. They are not true to themselves. They are so concerned what the “others” will think about what they say, do, even appear. Clones. People mimicking people’s expectations. Sheep, just following the herd. Cowards that are just constantly lying to themselves. They come off as so rehearsed, saying the same lame catch phrases repeatedly for approval. Do you even know who the fuck you are? Like, seriously, deep down. I doubt it. People waste so much time kissing each-others asses their heads get lost up there. I guess I’m realizing just how rare genuine authentic people really are. How rare I am.

Anyways, maybe it’s karma. Even though I don’t normally believe in karma. I “unfriended” her spontaneously on FB in the past, but I at least gave an explanation and reason. I didn’t even get that. Just a cold shoulder, and a nose in the air. In the past, I did so so that she wasn’t caught in the middle of the drama between the “cock eyed red head” and I. If anything, I was trying to protect her from the drama and bullshit. But in this recent case, this other person isn’t even on FB, the person I was ranting about for snapping at me and making an unnecessary scene for sharing ideas. I guess small minds can’t comprehend that many ideas, they can only discuss gossip about people. Maybe I’ve just outgrown that crowd. Anyways, I was “unfriended” for venting. Wow, that is just fuckin dumb. This clearly shows, I need to make better friends.

Onto the other shit that hit me all at once, such as being ganged up on by fellow Idle No More members for bringing up an issue that affects and reflects on us all. I mean, if the person you steal from is aware that you are apart of Idle No More, yeah, that behavior will reflect on the whole movement. Perhaps I was hoping that whomever stole the 50 flags from the International Indigenous Unity Flag artist would do the honorable thing and either return the flags, or pay for them. It was a long shot hoping it would reach whomever was responsible. But the online bullying attack really put a damper on any hope I had for the movement, for a revolution. Just to see and experience first hand how easily they turn on their own, wow. That was devastating.

The troll on twitter calling me a thief, hobo and tramp. Rude remarks  instantly piss me off. Just ask my ex, he’s a pro at verbal abuse, and he wonders why I won’t take him back. Haha! It pisses me off more so coming from strangers that don’t even know me personally, not that my ex really knows me either and he’s always shooting his mouth off. So who the fuck is he to judge? Ya know? Not only that, but I am so fed up with sexism and discrimination, I get enough of that chauvinistic bullshit from my abusive ex, thank you very much!

Which brings me to another point that’s got me down lately, my children. Not seeing them over the holidays. Not seeing them for two straight weeks. I can’t help but feel blue as the time drags on. Supposedly my visit is scheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We’ll see. Excuse me if I just feel very pessimistic lately. This change affects our schedule we had going. Technically I should have seen them on the 3ird, but I didn’t, obviously. No idea why not. I mean, Merrymount was back open and running. So what’s the fuckin excuse?!

Anyways, as you may recall the personal research I was doing regarding the brain, and communication. Yeah, fuck that! I find myself becoming more withdrawn, not really wanting to engage or interact with people. People cannot be trusted. Everyone will just fuckin hurt you and stomp all over you. That is my conclusion to that.

Sure I attended the New School of Colour on Monday, but I wasn’t there to socialize. I only showed up to paint. Prior to making an appearance, I was saying to myself; “To go, or not to go. That is the question. That is always the question.” It took a lot just to motivate myself to leave the house.

That question pops up a lot lately, especially when it comes to events. “Do I really want to surround myself with people?” Not really.

Other than all that, I have been painting more at home. It temporarily takes my mind off things. Plus since I haven’t landed an actual job in London, I’ve been here for over a decade. I figure why bother trying to mold into your world? Your world sucks. Besides, it’s just not happening. So I might as well just do what I do, and that is art. I’m at a fuck-it-all point when it comes to society and the people in it. I’m just gonna do what the fuck I’m good at, fuck society, and their lame rules and expectations. I will paint and paint until my stone cold heart is content.

So 2015 has started off rather dark, but perhaps it’s only necessary. Pain tends to be what transforms a person. For better or for worse, I don’t know. One thing I can say is, no matter what, I’m going to keep it real and stick to honesty and truth. – Pooks

“The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.”- Aristotle

NOW FOR THE VISUALS…

Pooks sketch/ diagram of the Creative Process. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Pooks sketch/ diagram of the Creative Process. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I gave myself a linear perspective assignment. - Pooks/ All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I gave myself a linear perspective assignment. – Pooks/ All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Acrylic painting by Pooks using a brush and a mallet. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Acrylic painting by Pooks using a brush and a mallet. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

The Hobo & The Tramp

Looks like I’m typing more today than I thought. Thank you @canadian_makin via Twitter, for displaying the disgusting behavior on why I think I cannot trust anyone, or have any faith in humanity. Trust me, I was holding onto the tiniest of thread. But I am just shown that people are cruel over and over again.

As you see here, it’s like he automatically assumes I’m a “hobo” and a “tramp”. Why? Cuz I stuck up for the homeless? Or because I am coloured and I MUST be a hobo and tramp then. But then again, maybe the photo I ended my last blog post with, got the reaction I thought it would. It wouldn’t surprise me if he snooped around before making his judgement call.

The photo I ended my last blog was deliberate, and I was just waiting for a person to use it against me, so I can bring up my point on why I did so.

Does the photo I ended my last blog post make me a tramp? Here it is again.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Yes, it is nude, but still modest. I am still showing nothing, but clearly this has shocked and devastated a viewer. Why is that? Can a woman not love herself and want to capture and immortalize the moments of when she was a young woman? I’m not going to be 32 forever, I will age. I feel I should be proud of my femininity, and sexuality as a woman. Why is it shamed and ridiculed to capture? It’s not porn. Many photographers can take photos of women nude, and have it not be considered porn. But there is something wrong when I do it. Make any sense? A lot of discrimination these days.

And you wonder why I don’t like humans. Why I question my faith in humanity. Why should I give a fuck for people that don’t give a fuck about me? By all means poison and kill each-other like the dumb ass species you are. Continue to support a system that fails you time and time again. You are that fuckin stupid, sad, pathetic, and hopeless.

I’m starting to think I should stay away from social media sites like Facebook, and Twitter as much as possible. I only get hurt. Matter of fact, just stay away from people. Maybe the only people worth suffering any pain for are my children, every one else can just go fuck themselves. You are doing a good job of that anyways, fucking yourselves right over. The slow suicide of humanity. You let it happen. And you keep picking masters like they will change things. Haha! They never do. Shit just repeats itself. You silly fools. YOU change things. Stop depending on other people do shit for you. But I don’t know why I even bother to tell you that, no one listens to me anyways. So lets just pretend that I didn’t.

There is no revolution until you cowards overcome your fears, risk it all, destroy the illusions in front of you. If you really wanted change, you would destroy everything that oppresses you by now, and the people that claim they have power over you. So sorry, I don’t believe you. Revolution my ass!

But in order to do that, you all need to do that. And, that’s not happening. Too many stupid, ignorant people still supporting and defending the system that abuses them .I imagine this man, Dave, a.k.a @canadian_makin, is just one of those stupid blind fuckin sheep. He sure does act like one with his quick judgments. He thinks he’s so special, different from the “hobos” and “tramps”. Well…we’re all human. Hate to break that ego!

But that’s what you brain washed fucks train yourselves to believe. You got this graph of a pyramid ingrained in your heads, Capitalists at the top. Anyone at the bottom or close to it deserves to be shamed. How about you erase that fuckin pyramid in your mind, and replace it with a circle. That is the truth.

Anyways, rant over. Discrimination and oppression still exist. Nothing has changed.

I think my photo has done it’s job, bringing that to light. THAT is art. Now excuse me while I take a bow. I knew it would only take a matter of time before someone would freak out and say such things as “SLUT!” “WHORE!” “Sinner!” Or something along those lines.

Bravo @canadian_makin for being the first discriminating sexist douche to say something and prove my premeditated point. – Pooks

“Reducing a group to a slur or stereotype reduces us all.”

– DeShanne Stokes

Turmoils Locked Gate & the Invisible Path

So once again, I had chickened out with a job interview. I had gotten bombarded by the evil critic in my head. As I was getting ready for the interview, I just got really anxious. I felt under pressure to be something I am not. I tried to trick myself into thinking of it as dressing up for Halloween. But the negative thoughts won, and I ended up not even going. I had canceled my Leads appointment for this interview, and yeah, didn’t make it to the damn interview. Ugh! Fuck up.

I spoke to a friend about it, and yeah, perhaps it’s a lack of confidence.

As I was going through my clothes, changing my mind over and over on what to wear. Will it be good enough? Does this fit their standards of being fashionable? Does this make me stand out, or blend in? To criticizing my hair. I have really thick hair, and it’s very time consuming to tame. So I was worried it would get frizzy on me by the time I get there. Should I wear a pony tail? a bun? Or try something different? But the most negative thought that did me in was over the colour of my skin. As soon as they see that your brown, they’re gonna reject you.

Anyway, I felt like I was feeling all this unnecessary stress over self-image. I’m usually not that hard on myself when it comes to my personal appearance. Do all women have to go the extra mile when getting ready for an interview? Why?  It’s like we can’t be concerned whether we look professional enough, it’s whether or not we are “pretty” enough. Maybe interviews should be done blind-folded. The employer should be blind folded, because let’s face it, looks don’t determine wither or not you can do the job. That’s a stupid rule to judge by. I understand depending on the business, they don’t want see a slob. But the amount of pressure that is put on a woman is freakin ridiculous. Do you want a worker? Or a mannequin? Or maybe even a blow up doll? Maybe you want freakin Barbie and her unrealistic proportions! Got to wonder sometimes.

So yeah, thanks for the unnecessary stress. I was even picking my hang nails until my fingers were bleeding. Yeah, ouch! But that’s what anxiety does to me, it makes me pick myself apart.

It does bum me out that at the last minute, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of incompetence and self-doubt. But maybe my flaws are what keeps me humble. I mean, this society wants you to be kinda arrogant, and competitive. Well… I’m not the competitive type. Honestly, it’s one of those things that annoy me. I prefer to do my own thing, and I’m not interested in competing or comparing myself to others.

As I was getting ready, that’s exactly what I was doing!! That is so not like me at all!! Comparison? Thinking such things as; “They will choose a white girl over me.” What the fuck?!! I don’t think I’m good enough, and my nationality is part of that reason. I should be proud of what I am, but my race is often ridiculed, and shamed in this fuckin world!! Do you not see the affects of your damn racism?!

No, I’m not the most confident person. I am still scarred with a shit load of emotional and verbal abuse in my life time. Shit that comes back, and bites me in the ass in the present. Probably why my internal dialog can be such a verbal abusive bitch, which is destructive to myself, and holds me back a lot of the time when it comes to opportunities. Abuse helped mold that critic in my head, which tries to convince me that all the criticism I’ve endured is true. I’m incapable, a low life, a bum, a fuck up. You’re just pretty. Your sister is gorgeous. Nothing compared to her. So on and so forth.  No wonder I don’t feel good enough. Some of this shit in my head goes back to my childhood. It really makes it hard to believe in myself, ever. Just when I think I leave that shit behind, it finds ways to haunt me. It all comes back at the worst times, times of opportunity.

Anyway, since I felt so stressed over my image for this one interview, perhaps that job isn’t worth it. Another interview will come along, and hopefully I won’t be so hard on myself.

Morgue, the shock artist from the Venice Beach Freakshow, posted a status recently that made me think. I was recently advised to “be myself” by a friend, but perhaps I need to be so much more. Be Pooks, and what I envision Pooks to be. I need to “become”.

Anyway, Morgue’s FB status:

“Don’t be yourself, become yourself. They are not the same thing. Don’t settle for what you are, don’t become complacent. Always strive to improve, overcome and become the best version of yourself that you can be.

I am seeing a lot of people using “be yourself” as an excuse for laziness. Of course, never impose the standards of a failed society on yourself, but do not use it as an excuse to not improve. Don’t stand still, always move forward.

Don’t give a fuck what unintelligent, close minded people think of you and always strive to become a better version of yourself.” – Morgue

A nice friendly reminder. Just as Dali said he was becoming more Dali. My mission is to become more Pooks. Thank you Morgue. I needed that. To me, Pooks is greatness. An unstoppable creative force in this world. And believe me, it’s been quite the journey since the day I first signed my art with this alias name “Pooks”. It’s taken on a journey of it’s own that I don’t really have control over, I just create the art and write. Even though I try to live the mandatory “normal” life that is expected of me, the blue collar (if even) slavery.  I am currently trying to leap into the pink collar world. The road I need to be on for Pooks is elsewhere, matter of fact, it’s invisible. Not that it doesn’t exist, the road is there through what I create and where that takes me. There is no fuckin collar. I ain’t no fuckin dog! Haha!

Pooks is my creative outlet, expression, given a name, face, and persona. The art piece, that not only creates art, but is the art. Very few can accomplish that, Marilyn Manson, David Bowie, … just a couple examples. I hope to do the same.

So maybe for next time, when another interview comes around, I just need to remind myself, “I am Pooks.” To me, that is pretty extraordinary.  – Pooks

“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”- Louise L. Hay

Embedded in your System

poverty2

Click to enlarge

I started this blog post with that image of a conversation of ignorance that took place on Twitter not too long ago. It was regarding poverty. This wannabe actor said this rude shit stating that it’s the first of the month, and telling people on welfare to go buy booze and cigarettes, instead of watching over their children. Not everyone on welfare is like that, but that is what continues to be presumed.

He ended our conversation with “If you abuse the system, I don’t have to show anything.” That was after I mentioned that my sensitivity towards that particular issue is EMPATHY.

“Abuse the system”. Ha! More people should abuse it. The fuckin system is abusive toward the people anyways by exploiting, and having people work like mules just to make ends meet. While their elites live off the work of the people doing fuck all. Okay, not fuck all. They are destroying the environment, poisoning our food, and intend to kill nine tenths of the worlds people so they can selfishly have any remaining natural resources all to themselves.

Now what’s funny is that these presumptions directed at the poor, such as they are presumed to be lazy, is actually a trait of your dear capitalists. But since we teach these presumptions early on to our children in schools to look the other way, and shame the poor instead. Shame the East. Shame the homeless and starving people. Label them all as addicts, and alcoholics when that is not entirely the case. It’s not just the schools. As I’ve mentioned before, other organizations teach the same behavior, to ridicule the less fortunate. It’s been embedded in your system to shame proletarians like yourself, and those less fortunate.

It surprises me when I stumble upon this kind of ignorance. That more people don’t notice that. But I guess your trained to think that fundraising and charities make you empathetic. Wrong! How much of that money actually goes to the cause?! I bet more of it goes to your capitalists than you realize.

I’ve been going to a soup kitchen since 2011, and I see more empathy displayed there than at any event. Events are all these people looking for gold stars, a pat on the back, and picture snapped of themselves displaying their staged good behavior.

At this soup kitchen, most people are volunteers taking time out of their day to serve coffee and dinner to those less fortunate. Not all the people that go there for these meals are homeless, some people are people like yourselves struggling to make ends meet. Maybe they can pay the bills, but fall short on groceries. They could be working minimum wage, or on welfare. Trying to stretch $200 or less throughout the month, yeah good luck with that.

Yes, when it comes to welfare, there are some addicts, and alcoholics. But look at the situation. It is depressing. I surprise myself that I myself have not turned to substance abuse sometimes. Yeah I smoke cigarettes, and drink a shit load of coffee. But still. I battle with depression and anxiety constantly. If you haven’t noticed, more and more people are. I mean, I see suicide mentioned on my Facebook timeline more than usual. It’s serious. Not something to joke or poke fun at.

I refuse to be put on prescription drugs because I believe that I learn and evolve through each wave of depression. I guess that is a positive way of looking at it. Not to mention that I have to consistently tell myself that whatever I’m feeling is only temporary. I will get through it…and it will come back, and I will get through it again.  If I was all jacked up on pills, I’d be stagnant, numb, and not as consciously aware. I wouldn’t be learning, nor evolving. I prefer to be aware of my surroundings, hence my anxiety, hence my love for coffee.

Anyway, empathy. I find a lot of people like to fake it. But as I said before, at this soup kitchen I go to, it is a non-profit organization. Non-profit organizations is a good place to start if you really want to know the definition of empathy. They are selfless, and entirely there for the peoples sake and needs.

Onto other things in my life….such as walking on the sidewalk and getting plowed onto the street by a woman in a black SUV. Thank my lucky stars that didn’t kill me, being pushed into traffic like that. That kind of shocked me that someone would do that. I mean, I was lucky to have caught my balance, otherwise I could have fallen and been crushed. So to all you peeps that drive in cars, just because you’re in a car, doesn’t mean that it is a part of you and that you can go pushing pedestrians out of your way. You are not Optimus Prime! Slow the fuck down, you’ll get to where your fuckin going. People die because you’re in such a rush.

One of my paintings that were hanging on the wall at The Ark got sold! That’s awesome. So thank you to whomever bought it, I am glad that painting is now in a safe home. As I said before, my work is safer with others, than it is with myself. I create art, but I can also destroy it. I am my own worst enemy sometimes. Anyway, yeah, pleased to hear one of my more positive pieces sold. A chunk of the proceeds went back to The Ark. So yeah, you helped me give back to them in a way by purchasing it.

What else?  On Friday my ex pulled me aside and admitted he was having trust issues. Thank you for your honesty, I can respect that and give you your needed space. I don’t enter his home unless invited. I’m like a vampire that way. He thinks I stole from him. That’s just silly. That would be like stealing from my kids. No bueno. He may have done that to me years ago when things were vise-versa, but I’m not like that. I’m pretty resourceful, I don’t need to be stealing from my children’s father. So yeah, whatever. Sort out your own issues. I’m just gonna do my own thing. Moving on.

I went to my registration appointment at Leads Employment Services. My worker seems nice. She looks forward to working with me. I think it will go well. Maybe even pick up where I left off when it comes to their programs and exercises. I e-mailed her ahead of time before my appointment because I thought I was going to be late. Turns out, I was just late by 2 minutes. Haha! Not as late as I thought.

I got more hours booked to volunteer at The Arts Project. I will have to notify my OW worker, and Leads worker so that they can track my hours.

Not too much else to speak of, on my own time I’m reading, watching cartoons, job searching, and drinking coffee. Sure there may be more businesses opening, but at the same rate, there are businesses closing. I am still kinda pessimistic when it comes to job searching, but whatever, try anyway. Written by yours truly, the artist on WELFARE! Hope you enjoyed. – Pooks

“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.” – Shannon L. Alder

Only Time Can Tell

Jumping back into the life of Pooks!!

Not too much has been happening. There has been a lot of sleep, distracting myself with cartoons,  and thinking about my next move, what am I going to do next? If I cannot conform, then what can I do? It is clear I cannot keep up with this system of madness. I will always draw back and do things at my own pace. Attempting to keep up makes me drained and tired. I’m tired enough as is being an anemic. So I guess I’m picky about what I put my energy into. I burn out rapidly, so it’s got to be what I consider worthwhile. Sitting in classrooms with professors talking about “Capitalists this, and Capitalists that” isn’t my idea of worthwhile.  Matter of fact, I’m sick of hearing about them.

I guess doubt doesn’t help either. I doubt I ever will be able to fit into this system. Not to mention, I fear of what I will lose by doing so. So I guess you can say I was defeated by my own mind. I set up my own failure on purpose.

I’ll get to pondering about that more later. In the mean time, onto other things…

Surprisingly the exchange last Friday for my visit with my kids went well. My ex and I actually communicated without any bickering. So every other week, exchanges are between the two of us, and the other exchanges take place at Merrymount. Fridays are a good 4 hour visit, than the week after I get weekends. Meaning, this weekend will be a sleepover visit.

Anyway, he filled me in with how my son was getting bullied from students and teachers, and he basically asked for my approval to remove our son from that school. He’s thinking either trying to get our son into a Catholic school or see if he can get him back into Madame Vanier where our son did very well in class.  I gave the okay. It’s in our son’s best interest.

Here’s where it get’s interesting. My ex believes that the teachers are being discriminative towards our son because of me. Our son having a native mother. So his behavior MUST be my fault or something. I guess they did try to point the finger at me, but my ex stuck up in my defense. Thank you. Because the truth is, my involvement in their lives is a positive. Not a negative. Yes, my children’s mother is a fuckin native, and clearly isn’t your average woman either. Haha! Deal with it. That doesn’t mean to go picking on my son, because of his alienated mother that doesn’t fit in the system.

Grown adults shouldn’t be picking on 8 year old’s that don’t understand your stupid system anyways. Let alone the discrimination behind it. He doesn’t understand why he’s being treated so poorly. Trying to slam his fingers in doors, singling him out, etc. If he’s misbehaving, it’s no wonder! Ya know?! He behaves just fine with his mama. Quite excellent mind you. He catches on quickly. So don’t treat him like he’s stupid, because he’s not. I find if you just LISTEN to what he has to say, and acknowledge his existence, give him EYE CONTACT, that goes a long ways. Something I feel these teacher’s are lacking.

But then again, thanks to our system, we have teachers that aren’t really passionate about teaching, they are passionate about a pay cheque. Therefore, not really engaged in doing their job, challenge or no challenge.

Yes, my son can be a hand full sometimes. He’s hyper, and easily distracted. I think that may have something to do with me drinking coffee during my pregnancy, and him being in my womb at the time. It’s a possibility. He was born fully caffeinated. Haha!

I think one of the ways he copes  with these difficulties he endures is that tries to interact with others through humor. So he’s a bit of a class clown. Which I think is pretty intelligent, because laughter is universal. Sure, he may make abrupt noises that make no sense to an adult, but it can get other children cracking up in laughter.

So don’t say or treat my boy like he’s stupid, because he’s not. If anything, he’s advanced, and misunderstood. I think he is being underestimated, because I’ve seen with my own eyes how quickly he catches onto things.  Not to mention, he asks A LOT of questions.  He questions everything, and that makes this Mama proud.

The fact that my son was experiencing discrimination kinda pissed me off for awhile. Not sure if it will be any better in a Catholic school. We’ll see.

I’m sorry, but I cannot change my skin I was born with, and neither can my son change who his mother is. Society will just have to accept that.

If anything, my children being bi-racial, they are a mix of French, Ojibwe, and Irish, to me they are beautiful rainbows of ethnicity. If others cannot see that beauty, than they should really take a look at themselves, because the problem isn’t my children, the problem is flat out racism.

Anyway, back to the pondering of the life of Pooks. Even though I’m not sure what I will do next, it would seem this name is taking a life of it’s own. slowly, but surely.

I was told yesterday my painting called “Brainwasher” got sold. That’s excellent news. Considering it took me over a year to complete. So all that work did not go to waste. The painting will go to a happy home. So thank you to whomever bought it.

On Monday I also completed my second oil painting which will be in this years Up with Art. That’s pretty exciting. I wasn’t sure if I was going to get my painting done on time, but I did it. So now Pooks can return to the big event, and hopefully sell an art piece that will benefit the homeless. I haven’t participated in Up with Art since 2012. Last year I was on hiatus, stranded way up north after taking a trip that should have been a week or 2,  which turned into much longer than that. It was very stressful trying to get back. I think the next time I travel, I will be paying my own way, that would save me from having to depend on others that weren’t so reliable at the time.

Other than that, I did a huge cut from my Facebook friend list on my personal account. No point keeping people I rarely talk to, or people I know interact with my supposed mom, or other haters, and are just there to pick up gossip. For example my childhood bowling coach, who I know is buddy-buddy with my supposed mom. No thanks. Good bye.

Speaking of him, I think he’s the only one that bought my book so far. Which is funny, because I deliberately put a picture of me topless on the cover which he had made remarks about in the past. To me, the picture symbolizes a transformation in my life. I woke up from my endless sleep of depression, and woke up as Pooks. That picture caught that awakening. What this bowling coach said was; “So this is what you do now? A picture is worth a 1000 words.” Like, I’ve become some kind of whore or something. Wow, was he ever wrong. That picture is now the cover of my book, and Pooks will grab your soul and throw it through an emotional spin cycle with every word in that book. Yeah, your mind is in for a ride with that one. Haha!

Back to the list of people on FB, I gave people that seemed supportive, but then they’d turned around with rude comments the boot. Maybe that’s the way you interact with your friends, but obviously we’re not that close. So yeah, bye. Yeah I kept some acquaintances, fellow activists with similar views, people I respect, and friends and family I do trust.

What else? During that exchange on Friday my ex threw in the words that we are like fire and water. Sure, that’s the way we need to be as parents. I’ll co-operate as a co-parent. But I’m still not ever going back to our disastrous relationship. From the experience in our relationship for those 5-6 years I’ve noticed he’s only interested when he wants something. What could I have that he wants now? A 3 BEDROOM HOUSE!! Sorry, if that is the case, I’m not interested in mooches.

I’d be more interested in a man that can take care of himself, that is not interested in what I have, but is interested in what I am. Whatever the fuck that is, I don’t even know. An anomaly for reasons I’ve yet to discover.

I could be wrong, and paranoid. Still questioning his motives for this sudden change of kindness. I’m pretty sure I was just a “dip-shit” in his mind. That I have not forgotten.

So yes, when it comes to interacting with him, one on one, I am cautious. Just because I am nice in return, and am willing to co-operate as co-parent does not mean I trust him. I am well aware he can be manipulative. Wither he is or not this time, will take time to reveal. Obviously. In order to work together, some kind of bond needs to be made, and any trust between us is going to take a while to re-build, if at all. He’s never trusted me from the start. So why is it so different now? Could it be a sudden realization that our children DO NEED THEIR MOTHER?! Hmm? Why the sudden change of heart? Or is it just an act? Questions, questions… that only time can answer. And for now, until I figure out what the heck I’ll do next, I have plenty time on my side. – Pooks

“If you think like others, how can you be sure you’re thinking at all?”- Daniel Delgado F

 

 

 

 

Floating within a Hollow Void

Yesterday at the New School of Colour the facilitator asked how school was going, and I flat out said ” Not good. It just doesn’t feel right.” Which he then offered to help, but as I said before, this term has gone out the window. There is no saving it. It’s fucked. I appreciate the offer, but it’s kinda  late for that now.  It’s March, and school is out next month I believe.

It could be that my own mind is my barrier. It often is. But I am really not interested in playing societies little game. You only live for so long, why risk wasting it doing something that will make you miserable? It’s bad enough the stuff I have been learning has done nothing but fill me with hatred. Not good. I was such a happy spirit before entering school, filled with hope and dreams. But after sociology, even though I do love learning about it, it makes me hate humanity and my hope for humanity dangles by a thread. Why continue to do something that fills me with so much negativity?

I suppose I could try to make up for this term during the summer, but I don’t think that will change the way I feel about it all. Education is a part of the system. A part of me wants to detach from it because of that. It’s whole purpose is conformity, to turn me into another mule working in favor for the Capitalists. And even though you can go in with the intentions to be a glitch to change the system, it doesn’t necessarily mean that that is the intention you will leave with. It’s whole purpose is to transform you into a part of their machine.

So yes, I am filled with doubt. Not only do I believe I cannot do that. But I can’t even mentally picture myself graduating. Not without it tampering with my essence, with what makes my art, my writing, and me entirely unique.

I gave my individuality and passion up to an abusive relationship before, I’m not about to let the system abuse me either. I just got out of an abusive relationship 3 years ago, why the fuck should I tolerate such oppression from the system, let alone any personal relationships?!

So clearly I have some contemplating to do. Wither or not to keep trying with this education thing, which isn’t working, or find another route.

“But you worked so hard to get there.” Not really. It was just paper work. Did I really want to go? Not really. It was just to see if I can, and I did, I got in. But also to go against an OW worker who treated me like I was a dumb-ass that couldn’t. Not only that, I felt like there was no other choice. I’ve been in London for a little over a decade, and could only get volunteer placements. No one will hire my Native ass. Have I really been trying though? Not really.  It’s not like I have ever really wanted to participate in this bullshit 9- 5 game anyways. It’s a waste of time, and energy. I could be doing something more productive.  Some would say that is irresponsible, lazy, etc, etc. But lets face it, we are all going to die one day, YOU ARE NOT IMMORTAL!Yet you live your lives as if you are, or because your churches promise you eternal life after this slave driven life, to be a slave in the next life.

Perhaps my values are different from the people that make those accusations of being irresponsible and lazy. They are the ones convinced they need money to live. Therefore value money and the material things they can buy with money. Which is all a bullshit illusion, but they are too brainwashed to see that. I’m sorry that I think I am different, and that my life actually has a meaning besides living a life of slavery. I was meant to write for a reason, and I was meant to create art for a reason.  I’d rather live my life doing things that matter to me, and not what matters to everybody else.

I feel as if I’ve been plunked on this planet to create as much as I possibly can while I’m here. That is my purpose.

There was a time I thought motherhood was my purpose, but that was clearly taken from me. I’m not saying I still can’t be a great mother, I still do my best with the time that I do have. But during that gap while not having them, I was reminded that I am an artist and a writer within. Clearly I was reminded for a reason, what that reason was, I don’t know yet.

Some people may say I’m not thinking of my kids when it comes to this whole downward spiral of an education. I don’t have them. They are not coming back, and I only have visits. Thank this racist society! I have come to accept that, maybe others need to as well. I’ve jumped through numerous hoops, and it all doesn’t even fuckin matter. You really think an education is going to make a difference? Or a job? Haha! Wow. That’s really ignorant of you. If you haven’t noticed, I am Ojibwe. Not only that, but a female native that has experienced a shit load of abuse. I am fuckin trash to this society. So why the fuck should it matter what I do?

I am grateful for the time I do get with my kids. I at least get to see them. As for their best interests, my education is not it. If anything, since they are in their fathers care, he should be the one busting his ass to improve.  Because let’s face it, overall, majority of the time, I just got myself to take care of.

Not to mention, wasting my time becoming a sheep in the system would take me away from what would actually be in my kids best interest, and that is defending their future environment, which our governments and banks are fucking up royally.

I swear, if there were any actual “terrorists” besides the ones within our Governments, they should be aiming for where it hurts them the most. Not air planes, and city land marks. If they really wanted to kick these fuckers in the balls, they’d aim for their precious banks. Clearly these “terrorists” aren’t that bright. Which makes me believe that there aren’t any. It’s just the government making up more bullshit. But that’s what they’re good at right? Bullshitting.

So that is where my head is at now. Questioning if an education is even worth wasting my time over.

If I really want to become an artist and writer, then I should just do it. Forget these distractions that will just throw me off course.

Anyway, 2 days from now, I will have a small art piece in an art show called The Twitter Art Exhibit (#twitterartexhibit) in Orlando, Florida.  All proceeds go to The Center for Contemporary Dance, Special Needs Classes,  in Orlando. I hope the show has a great turn out. I may not be able to travel, but at least my art got to.

As for the other art pieces,  I have an art piece at home I’m re-doing.  It was called “Ringleader in Paris.”  The original was in chalk pastel, and graphite. But since that piece has gone missing, or was stolen from the New School of Colour studio, I decided to re-do that art piece, but with oil paint. My goal is to make the missing, or stolen, version look like a rough draft. So far, I think I am accomplishing that goal, it looks so bright in colour. The original I just tried to make it look a fictional sepia photograph. I say fictional because the characters are illustrated, and distorted. They remind me of those bizarre puppets I seen in elementary school. Really big eyes, distorted, over exaggerated facial features.  The image is basically a couple in front of the Eiffel Tower. Anyway, I may need to re-name the piece as well, or add to the title. Such as; “Ringleader in Paris: Revived” .

The other oil painting I’m doing is at the New School of Colour. Hopefully I’ll be quick, and be able to finish it by the next art session, because that is going to be the painting that will be submitted into Up with Art this year. Up with Art takes place at the Palace Theatre on April 12th. The clock is ticking.

So yeah, my internal clock is backwards. The artist/writer wakes up at night and creates. Wither it be art, poetry, whatever. I am starting to brainstorm on my next book. My first one feels like a rookie book. I just threw various work together, from my blog, my poetry, and my art. I think I’ll focus the second one more on my poetry, and show some of my photography that I do for fun. It might take a while to complete, because I’ll need to write a lot of poetry.

I haven’t been to counseling for awhile. Not since my counselor had me repeat after her, that I’m not going to let the Capitalists stop me. I couldn’t even look at her when I repeated the words. I just had to let that stir inside my head for awhile. Not to mention, when she made that comparison to Martin Luther King Jr and I.  That’s a pretty freakin big comparison. Not to mention frightening, because of the disappointment that I am not. Those are big shoes to fill. No pressure or anything.  I don’t know what she see’s or expects. For all she knows, she thinks I’m doing well. But I don’t think  my mind is anywhere near to when she had seen  improvement.  I mean, I feel like I’m in a dark place. I’ve been in darker places. But still, I am struggling with optimism.  It may not seem like it, I’ll still smile, and laugh. As I’ve come to realize from counseling, laughter is my coping mechanism. Without it, I’d still be a mess. I’d probably still be stuck in bed. But no,  I am here, writing… – Pooks

“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”- Sylvia Plath