Because you’re Native

So I was going through the documents my doctor gave me, to give to the hospital in case I pop early.

Needless to say that I am not impressed with the way they worded things. Such as “denies” substance abuse in current pregnancy??? Wtf? I don’t do drugs period, besides the antibiotics they shove down throat. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I kicked that to the curb without a problem when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. 10- 11 YEARS AGO!!! I don’t do fuckin drugs period. Ughhhhhhhh….

image

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It also says to monitor me for any indications to involve them (C.A.S) in current pregnancy.

A) The reason CAS got involved in the first place was because a doctor accused me of being on crack when I actually had mastitis. And rather then doing their job, Dr. Lee settled for his assumption.

B) CAS remained involved because of MY EX and the domestic abuse. But yeah, CAS, specifically Lara Downing, fucked up on that one, and thinks it’s safer to have my children with the man that assaulted their mother, than their mother. Make any sense?? Oh that’s right, I opened up with the truth that my ex was in my home when he wasn’t supposed to be due to a restraining order. I guess that would have been too much work for her to have to start from scratch. But what does she expect from a domestic abuse case? Yeah, I was lying on his behalf. Because he supposedly loved me, and was the only person that cared for me. Everybody else was just trying to tear our family apart. That’s the kind of shit a victim of abuse gets brainwashed with. Anyways,  out of spite, this lazy immature worker did everything in her power to have my kids placed with my ex. Congrats! She succeeded, and now schools wonder why they have so many problems with my eldest son. Smh. Oh yeah, and since my ex was around when he wasn’t supposed to be, that whole cleanliness bullshit that got pinned on me only, that’s on him too. That’s the fuckin truth.

Society and all these organizations are fuckin retarded!
Correction. Not retarded. That’s not the word. I know some peeps may find that word offensive. But yeah… perhaps bias, prejudice, racist, ignorant, so on and so forth, are better words to use.

Heck! Even my biological cousin shares this perspective from her own experience. She said: ” Automatic substance abuser. Because you’re native. I get labeled immediately as well, even when I was pregnant.”

So yeah. Welcome to the life of a native. Isn’t that fuckin bullshit or what?

Not all natives are substance abusers. Many of my generation learned by the example of our elders. Not all of them. But yeah, there are those trying to drown their traumatic experiences from Residential Schools. The torture and genocide of our people and culture. Sure those times may be over, not entirely obviously, but clearly our elders still suffer internally from those memories. I imagine it would be like how a soldier would suffer PTSD after returning from war. People having to live with seeing or experiencing inhumane shit that is to be kept “confidential.”

Anyways… that’s enough for this post. I will post another regarding other aspects of my life, either later on today or in the week. Thank you for reading my occasional rant. Peace and love – Pooks

“…racist thought and action says far more about the person they come from than the person they are directed at.”

– Chris Crutcher

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More on my Mind than I Thought

Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.

Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.

Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂

Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.

Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.

So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.

Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol

Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.

Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.

He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.

I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.

I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.

And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.

Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.

I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.

Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.

My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.

I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what?  Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.

On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!

So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways,  My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.

Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks

Source: notsalmon.com

Source: notsalmon.com

Not Your Number 2 (continued…)

Blogging again, after some communication, thinking and analyzing regarding my own personal love life. But I will get back to that shortly…

I have an amazing bestie that took me for a girls day out today. I think it was very much needed, and I found it refreshing.

We went to Masonville Mall, browsed through some stores, drank some tea, and went to see the movie “Spy” at Silvercity. Awesome movie by the way. I totally recommend it. Jason Statham was the best! Loved him in that movie!

Anyways, after the movie we went for one of our epic long walks. There’s always something random that happens during our walks, or we see amazing shit. For instance, we saw 6 deers, and I swear that was the closest I’ve ever been to any deer. It was just on the other side of the fence at the cemetery. It was definitely a breath taking moment. Had we gone another route as planned, we would have missed that opportunity and experience all together.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So yeah, it’s been an awesome day and night. We didn’t get back to our neighborhood until 3am. Which is the usual time for one of our crazy late night walks. Ya know? When we walk, we WALK. As in a great distance. The goal is a Timmies coffee, and of coarse, good exercise. Mission accomplished, plus some laughs along the way.

So yes, thanks to her for inviting me out. I feel honoured that she thought of, and chose me to chill with on her day off.

Now, onto my love life. On my last blog post a friend commented and said that there still might be hope for this one. Well…she may be right.

There could have been some misunderstanding, and well… I have the tendency to take things personally. My own doubts and insecurities could have blinded me.

So yeah, we both kinda got shook up when it came down to his ex texting him.

And after some thought, I understand that he would want to change his surroundings if they give him flashbacks of a traumatic experience.

Thinking of my own experience of an assault, I was fortunate enough to have moved from where the assault had taken place. Ya know? So I can only imagine what it is like for him. He’s still in the same environment, same surroundings, so the flash backs must be on a constant replay.

Silly me for thinking that he kept bringing her up because he still had feelings for her. Wrong! Ahem, that was my insecurities kicking in.

I’m not exactly the most confident person. A lot of the time, I think other girls are much better and more attractive than myself. But maybe that’s to be expected from a person whom has experienced a shit load of verbal abuse and psychological abuse within my life time.

Anyways, we’ve been communicating via. text messaging, and plan to talk it out in person. Through text messaging he’s told me that he does want to be with me. He wants to be a part of my life, and my childrens lives. He’s over his ex, and wants nothing to do with her. Hence why he wants to get rid of any reminders of her. He wants to move on and start a new chapter in his life with me. He sounds very sincere. Especially since he has been making positive changes in his life suitable for a family. My family. My kids and I. He kinda blew me away when he said I was everything he’s been looking for, and that he has wanted to be with me since the first time he saw me. That was 3 years ago. Sensitive little me, kinda got all teary eyed. I was wrong, and my insecurities hurt him when really he needed my support.

So yeah, that’s where things stand at the moment. Hopefully we can work things out, and get through this together. I do have a habit of pushing people away, and running the moment I feel any emotional pain. It doesn’t help that I take things so personally. But yeah, the time and space has helped me think outside myself, and to try to imagine his perspective.

So there still might be some hope for this relationship after all, and it might not be entirely over yet. He clearly hasn’t given up on me, and that means a lot.  – Pooks

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”

– Daniel Goleman 

Behind the Curtain

FUCK!! I need to go the freakin library. Print out my bill. Hand in a copy to OW, because apparently they didn’t pay it directly like they were supposed to, so I’m gonna have to try to get that set up again. AND I have to go to the Housing Stability Bank at the Salvation Army to see if they can pay the bill since OW/ Discretionary Benefits did squat, and just told me to go there. According to my red slip, my power gets cut off today. Thank you OW!. You’re so much help. Geez! Luckily though, I was told by London Hydro that that’s on hold because I am working on it. So yaaay! I have time. But it’s gotta be done today. So fuck! A lot of unnecessary running around to do. Fuck that fuckin strike! OW workers are slackin. Then I got my visit later with my kids. So yeah, I’m gonna be exhausted by the end of the day. To save my bus tickets, yeah, I’ll be walking everywhere. Except to get to my visit. Bus tickets are reserved to get me there. I can always walk back. Ughhh… tired already. But here it goes… Fuck a shower. I’ll shower later. Just want this over and done with. Some stress you may not be aware of because I’m just very internal like that.

Ya know? I went to OW for assistance earlier in the week, and yeah…just get a phone call the day before disconnection of my power to go else where. WONDERFUL!!

Now it’s the day of disconnection. And I’m stressed. Not cool. But I’m here writing it, because I don’t talk about shit that bothers me. I write about it. I draw about it. I find other ways to vent my frustrations.

Speaking of venting frustrations. Yesterday was an off day for some friends, so yeah, they vented verbally. I listened. And yeah, I absorb that shit like a fuckin sponge. That energy. That’s a lot in me now. So if I seem a bit off lately, that’s why. It would be a great time to paint. Get my own, and others frustration, all that negativity I just absorbed out onto a piece of paper or a canvas. But no no no, I got other shit to take care of.

Right as of now, I’m just waiting for OW to open, their hours are currently 10am – 2pm because of the freakin strike.

Umm… what else? A couple other things. I mean, why does there always have to be a psychotic ex in the picture? I mean, mine finally is backing off a bit and having some respect for my new relationship. However, my boyfriends ex has been texting him, and I admit, that has me on edge a little bit. From what I heard, she doesn’t sound like a very stable person. I mean, she assaulted my current boyfriend in the past, and yeah. In a fucked up way, my boyfriend and I can relate when it comes to past abuse. Anyways, the fact she seems kinda psycho, and isn’t really moving on, and keeps texting when my boyfriend wants nothing to do with her, that kind of raises a red flag in the back of my mind. Should I be concerned of my own safety? I mean, it’s been awhile since I feared going out like my biological mother. Murdered by a jealous insecure bitch over a man. But I find myself getting a bit concerned.

I mean she texted him on the day of Up with Art, and she tried again yesterday. Which kinda stressed my boyfriend out. And maybe he thinks that that is making me insecure, like I think he’ll leave me for her or something. But that’s not it at all. He’s reassured me that I have the key to his heart, I’m his girl, so on and so forth. But it’s not him I’m worried about at all. It’s an old fear of dying as my mother did that is creeping up on me.

So yeah, hopefully she just moves on, and doesn’t start any drama. So not interested.

What else? Since I got into this relationship, I am starting to see who are my friends, and which ones had other intentions. Especially with this one “friend”, whom I used to date, kinda, in the past. Maybe he was hoping we’d hook back up. But no! He blew that chance when he took me for granted, ignored me, and yeah let me slip away. Clearly I wasn’t that special to him. Maybe just a piece of ass. But yeah, he’s lucky I even considered to talk to him again after ignoring me as he did as soon as he got a job. Like he’s too good or something. So yeah, now he’s giving me this attitude since I started dating my boyfriend. And yeah. FUCK! Either accept my friendship, or fuck off! He’s behaving like an immature jealous bitch! Not only that, but he ignores our other friends now. I mean, last Tuesday my bestie sent him a message trying to set up a game night or something, like we used to do,  and he just ignored. Like grow the fuck up! You’re like 50 something years old!

On Tuesday, I noticed my Scrabble game that I had brought and left at his apartment was dropped off, and sitting in the corner of the New School of Colour studio. Either he’s getting evicted, or just just acting like a bitch. He didn’t even show up last week. He did the week before, but made this smart ass remark about me rushing off to see my boyfriend. Not to mention he was taking his frustrations out on other artists, such as one that was just trying to joke around with him, and he tried to pull this shit like she was the one trying to start shit or something. “Oh I don’t know where the hell that came from!” Dude! Chill! She was just playing. Geez! So yeah, obviously I’m not gonna stick around. He was acting kinda hostile, and I got the fuck out of there. “I rushed off in a hurry”

So yeah, not too impressed with that supposed friend.

I mean, this other guy that had a crush on me is handling my new relationship status better than this other guy. He even shook my boyfriends hand. And still cracks jokes, and clowns around with me regardless. So he clearly values my friendship, even if he was hoping we would have been more. I appreciate that. Kudos to him for being mature about it.

My freakin ex is even handling this new relationship status better for crying out loud!! What did he say? He said congrats! And now he’s moving on. He says there is another girl he’s interested in. Thank fuckin god! It took years for that guy to get the point. It’s over. Sadly, it takes another man to get that point across. A womans space isn’t respected as much as a mans apparently.

So yeah, everything can’t be sparkles, pixies, rainbows and unicorns all the time. Sometimes your cage is gonna get rattled. And yeah, it’s gonna piss you off. Life’s not perfect. But isn’t that what makes it beautiful? The imperfections? And the very very frustrating struggles. That’s what makes your story, doesn’t it?  I mean, it all comes down to how we choose to react. And well, I chose to keep my mouth shut, and just write it out and move on. It’s helped many times before.

Now off to walk off some steam and get shit done! Have a good day!

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading. – Pooks

“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.”

– Frank Herbert

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Recurrence of a Shadow

After a day of feeling exhausted, I finally feel ready to blog…at 12:25am. Yes, I am still kinda nocturnal apparently.

Where to begin?…Last Friday. I had a visit with my children, pick up and drop off location had taken place at Tim Hortons. I was running a bit late. I got there at 4pm, rather than 3:30pm.

I had a last minute job interview that took me by surprise. When I returned their call, I was just expecting to book an interview, not have the interview right there on the spot over the phone. Even though I did not get the job, due to not having a drivers license, I think the interview went better than I had expected. I’m usually kind of awkward when it comes to carrying on conversations, especially over the phone. But yeah, much to my surprise, the experience wasn’t all that big, bad and terrifying. It was just like talking to another human being. Perhaps my social skills are improving. Anyways, I would like to thank the New School of Colour, and The Arts Project, participating and volunteering with those non-profit organizations had apparently made my resume stand out. According to the man that was interviewing me, those two art related organizations made me come across as interesting. Right on. I am a very interesting person. At least I think so. Haha!

Anyways, I didn’t get the job. Although my resume will be stored in a file with a star on it, for future reference, in case I apply again WITH a drivers license. Even though a drivers license takes years to get. Still, that door is there.

I am thankful for a positive experience when it comes to a job interview, I find myself feeling much more optimistic. If I can intrigue one employer, I can intrigue another. I’m just that darn charming! Haha! That just reminded me of a fortune  that I got from a fortune cookie earlier this past week. That is why I laugh. I make myself laugh. I love it! Just can’t help but joke about it every now and then.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, back to Tim Hortons, and the visit with my children. I had loads of fun. We did what we usually do on Fridays, Park-Hopping! This time we got a little more social, and played a few games of Grounders with the other children at the park. I kinda felt like a Phys.Ed teacher in a way, being the only adult participating with this group of kids. It was fun.

Afterwards, my daughter painted my nails purple and blue, while my son continued to interact with the other children. It was funny, him and a couple of others got the whole park talking about bacon. I was impressed and proud to see how sociable he was being. I mean, at first, he didn’t want to go to that specific park because there was too many people. So yes, I am very proud of him and myself, we both stepped outside of our bubbles that day.

When the visit ended I got a thank you from my ex for getting our boy up and active.

Other than that, my ex asked me if I said that he stalks me online. Obviously I have said that in the past. I mean, how else would my kids be bringing up subjects that I wrote in my blog, or bring up things that were posted on my website? It’s kind of an odd coincidence that my daughter would be saying; “You know what’s hard to draw? A pug is hard to draw.” Hmm… that is a drawing a fellow New School of Colour artist drew that I posted in a slideshow on my weebly website to kinda showcase the New School of Colour in a way. Odd coincidence indeed don’t you think? And these odd coincidences happen rather regularly. Hmm…So yeah, he can say he’s not. Pretend he’s not. But I believe otherwise. Although to avoid any confrontation in front of our children, I just said “I used to think so”, at that particular moment of questioning.

I mean, if he’s not stalking me online, then his friends are, and reporting back to him. Umm.. that seems a bit far fetched. I highly doubt that it’s his friends that don’t know me from a hole in the ground. However, my ex has a history of having nothing better to do than gossip amongst his friends about his ex whom he’s been separated from for a good 5 years now. Pathetic indeed.

Oh another thing he had the nerve to say, “What are you good at?! Ya know, besides art.” Why does it matter to him? That’s what I’d like to know. Perhaps that is a question he should be asking himself. But no, he’s a mooch, that relies on living off of others. He has absolutely no intentions to become, or do anything with his life. My employment, or career choices, that whole journey to find where the fuck I fit is none of his business. But maybe he’s still delusional thinking he can live off of me somehow. NO!! The answer is NO!! And from here on out for the rest of my damn life, NO!!

So yes, some positive can come out of his mouth, but than that just gets blown to shit with negative bullshit.

I was invited to our daughters birthday party, which will be at Adventures in Wonderland. But I’m not sure if that’d be a good idea for me to attend. I mean, my ex and I can only communicate for very short periods of time. We’re not friends. I don’t trust him. He clearly doesn’t trust me. I mean, last year I was getting accused of ridiculous shit. Like I really want to tolerate anymore of that b.s. I think I’d rather keep our interactions to a minimum.

However, we were able to discuss other things regarding our son. I guess he’s having trouble in school again. Similar issues as to what was happening in the Public School regarding his behavior. I guess our son has been saying he wants to blow up the school, and other violent threats. Saying he hates his father, etc. etc. So now he’s only doing half days at school since he is considered a safety concern. That does not sound like the boy I know that I see on weekends.

The school called C.A.S on my ex regarding all this, they talked…and now there are future plans for my son to return to Vanier. Hopefully that doesn’t interfere with my visits. I clearly am a positive influence, and for some reason our son has a lot of pent up anger towards his father. Why is that? Ever think of getting him into some kind of counseling? If I were my son, I’d be angry too. Witnessing his father choke and disrespect his mother. His father favoring his sister over him, and verbally abusing him, and treating him like he’s stupid. Yeah, that would build up some resentment, just saying. I do try to lift my boys spirit, and counteract the abuse. But like I said before, he’s so hurt , he doesn’t believe any praise or compliment. All I can do is love him, and sometimes that feels like it’s not enough.

Anyways…just keep doing what I’m doing. Being the positive. It’s not like C.A.S was called on me. I ain’t the concern here.

Sigh…Moving on. I’m sure my ex won’t be too impressed with this post, but I don’t write to impress. I write my truth.

Other than that, I had a pretty relaxing weekend. Met up with some friends on Saturday for Soup and Sandwich night. One showed up afterward, and we went to his place to chill. We have coffee, talk about art, his experience working in the kitchen, listen to music and play dice. It’s always fun. We’re getting pretty competitive when it comes to playing with dice. Haha!

Tuesday, there was no Leads appointment this week. I remember! Next week at 11am!

At the New School of Colour I finished my soft pastel piece I was  working on. So really, it only took me 2 days to complete. I rarely copy images. Most stuff I do is out of my head, but yeah, good practice.

Resource: Chapter 6- Rocks and Ravines - Painting Watercolor Landscapes with Confidence by Brian Ryder. Pooks interpretation of the watercolour image using soft pastels. Completed 04/21/2015 - All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Resource: Chapter 6- Rocks and Ravines – Painting Watercolor Landscapes with Confidence by Brian Ryder. Pooks interpretation of the watercolour image using soft pastels. Completed 04/21/2015 – All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

At the New School of Colour I was also able to return to my abstract oil painting. After some frustration with mixing colours and not getting the same tone of blue that I wanted when I return to my art piece, I just decided to take that one section and white it right out with the intention to transform it into something else. Art is awesome that way. It can mutate. There are no mistakes. Each piece is it’s own journey. Or as another New School of Colour artist said; “Art is it’s own story.”

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

We’ve made it a routine to go to a friends apartment after a New School of Colour session. On Wednesday, we brought along another friend from the art program. This time, the night consisted of origami, music, tea and coffee.

That reminds me. During the New School of Colour on Wednesday, this friend that I visit after the sessions, he helps other artists with their work. Anyways, while he was helping a friend of ours, he told her; “Baby steps.” I think he knew that would get a reaction from me. It made me giggle because that’s what I say during our dice matches. Haha!

Oh yeah! On Tuesday night, we did a collaboration doodle together, 3 New School of Colour artists, and titled it “Kricket”. I guess when I say crooked, it sounded like I said Cricket. Haha! Good times! Love muh art peeps!

“Kricket” by Melishee, MRC, & Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wow. I’m kinda bouncing around all over the place. Just typing whatever I can recall.

Thursday I found myself to be very exhausted. Took me all day to shake off that tired feeling. I drank tea, coffee…even ate vegetables and rice to try to get myself to feel like myself again. Finally, around midnight, I started to feel more lively. Heck, I was even trying to stimulate myself with bright colourful cartoons. I was watching Ferngully. Been so long since I seen that. A friend of mine turned Batty’s rap song into a ringtone, it brought back memories, and yeah. I just had to sit down and watch it again.

Oh yeah! I did my taxes today online. Hopefully I did that right. It was the first time I’ve done them myself. So yeah. Let’s hope I didn’t fuck that up.

Tomorrow I plan to hit the food bank, and prepare for the weekend visit with my children…that hopefully doesn’t get miraculously cancelled.

I might also hear from this male friend of mine, whom asked if I was doing anything this weekend. I told him I was available Friday, but not Saturday and Sunday. So yeah, might meet up with him sometime tomorrow. Who knows, maybe we’ll go to that art group at the Crouch Library that he’s been talking about. Hmm… we shall see.

So yeah, that’s a week in the life of Pooks. There is some light, and dark moments. You take the good in with the bad, both mold you into who you are, and well…apparently that makes me…interesting. Maybe it’s the way I cope that is fascinating. I don’t know.

I skipped some days, because I either don’t remember, or there was just nothing that spectacular to write regarding those days. Like as if you really want to read about a laundry day. Or a day when my nose is stuck in a book reading for hours. So yeah…skip that, and write about more eventful things.

I hope you enjoyed reading. Thank you for reading, and I’ll be back at it again next week. – Pooks

“Depression, anger, and sadness are states of mind, and so are happiness, peace, and contentment. You can choose to be in any of these states because it’s your mind.”

– Maddy Malhotra

Fully Exposed

Go ahead. Say it's slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and use of composition

Go ahead. Say it’s slander. But from an artists perspective, it is photography, art, displaying raw emotion and the use of composition

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can't wait til he's older so he can put an axe in his head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything

If you recall from a previous post regarding one of the offensive things my son has been saying towards his father, about how he can’t wait til he’s older so he can put an axe in his father’s head. I drew out that fantasy with my own anger regarding our situation. I am pissed off and fed up with his b.s. Art is a far healthier way to cope with negative emotions without having to do anything.

As you can see I have been using art as an outlet. But now I lift the curtain, so to speak. If I get accused of slander, so be it. I hope so. By all means put the spotlight right on my blog, this situation could use more attention obviously. Especially as a highlight of the psychological abuse I have to tolerate when my ex plays with my access when it comes to my children, as if it were a yo-yo.

Hmmm… what else can be highlighted? Obviously the verbal abuse. My ex constantly putting my son down to the point my son no longer feels good about himself. Even his weight get’s mocked because my ex doesn’t like “fat people”. I’ve seen this before, with my own foster parents. My dad never used to be as big, but he constantly had his wife at the time putting him down. Kind of hard to be confident if someone is there to constantly criticize you. My dad turned to t.v and junkfood. My son, he’s turned to videogames and food. Videogames to ignore and shut out the world, and food for comfort. Sometimes he eats to the point he pukes. Not very healthy there, now is it?

Our son calls his dad a goof, a douche, says he’s stupid, dumb and annoying. Where could he be getting it from? Why is there so much anger towards his father? My ex says from school, from friends…but that’s what he does, points the finger everywhere else but at himself. From my visits, I witnessed my ex calling my son names. Even called our son Hitler at the dinner table. They bicker back and forth, and when my son say’s he cannot wait to grow up and put an axe in his fathers head, his father encourages this and says he looks forward to the physical altercation.

There is obviously favoritism, my ex favors our daughter over our son and treats our daughter very differently than our son. As I’ve mentioned before, he is more gentle. His tone of voice is even more gentle. Yet, with our son, there is no hesitation to yell at him and threaten him constantly. No wonder our son has anxiety. He is living in constant fear thanks to his father who thinks fear is the appropriate way to discipline the children.

The reason C.A.S let my ex take our children away from me was due to “cleanliness”. Note, I was cleaning up after his filthy ass without C.A.S even knowing of it, and yeah, gave up. Clean up your own filth. But if they saw his home now, his kitchen…it’s no wonder they were all sick not that long ago. Can’t touch anything in that room, or even the table they eat at, without getting some kind of sticky residue on you. I was constantly washing my hands while I was there for visits. Can you say health hazard? I mean, London Housing even warned him about the mess, did he do anything? No. It’s still a mess. Because he doesn’t do anything. The kids are just an extra pay cheque to him, more weed.

He keeps bouncing the kids from school to school, even if our son was finally doing well. Figures, they adjust to the changes, and just like that, their dad goes and disrupts that because he feels threatened by the school…again. At Wilton Grove, the school board was getting suspicious regarding our sons aggressive behavior. I was in question, although I think that assumption deteriorated once I showed up to the meeting and they met me in person…My ex was in question, and bam! The kids get pulled out of that school and placed into the Catholic School next door. He runs as soon as anyone suspects anything.

So, At the Catholic School next door to Wilton Grove, they were going to call the police because my ex wasn’t bringing in our children to school, and not notifying them with any reason of absence. The truth is, he’s lazy and sleeps in. Can’t blame the kids, they actually get up pretty early, and our daughter is the first to wake up. But of coarse, he can’t admit that. He’s a freakin godsend according to his ego. So instead of facing the school, the problem, he takes it as a personal threat, regardless if our children are doing well in that school, and pulls them out of that school to home-school instead. Hence why I wasn’t pleased with that decision, because it wasn’t based on our children at all, it was entirely selfish and based on himself…as usual.

He keeps running into problems with organizations within society, such as the schools, they aren’t stupid. Clearly they can see something is up.

Why don’t I report him to C.A.S? Haha! They made it more than obvious that they will not listen to any of my concerns. I mean, even our son knows the situation is messed up, he flat out asked me if I was assaulted by their father ( In December 2008), why are they ( him and his sister) living with their dad? Well son, our society is racist and since mommy is coloured, they will disregard the assault, and any other concerns regarding your father.

My ex is wishy-washy, and unstable. He can go from “we’re friends” to “we’re enemies” in an instant. Hence why I call him a schizophrenic. Funny how that health record stating he was a borderline schizophrenic miraculously disappeared. How convenient. Let’s focus on his edginess. It goes beyond anxiety. It’s paranoia. He walks around with things he can use as weapons, hidden in/or under his coat. There’s a sharp piece of metal he bent, he said it can poke out someones eyes. Around his neck, under his coat is a wire, which is intended for strangulation “if anyone decides to jump him” ( “it’s more clean & not as messy”) . In his home, he has a golf club ( he doesn’t play golf, and he said it would make a great weapon if it were to be used on someones head), a crowbar, and a samurai sword hidden in the rafters of his basement. Our daughter mentioned her fear of the sword, but was told that it is no longer in the house. But I was shown otherwise. Supposedly that was supposed to assure me of their safety. With the way he treats our son and I, I don’t see those as weapons of “safety” and defense. If anything, a red flag.

I seem to be blogging a lot lately, and using as many creative outlets as possible. I will, until I no longer feel the need and it is all out of my system.

The text messages and phone calls… as I said before, he’s the one contacting me. I would rather not hear from him over the week, especially if it’s regarding nonsense, and not an emergency. The random text messages out of the blue regarding the pants, and threatening my access over 2 pairs of pants. Phone calls how some girl is starting some drama. No idea why he was telling me that, let alone what he expected me to do about it. His problems with other women isn’t any of my business. Nor do I care. As long as our kids are fine. Who the fuck cares?! Getting accused for stealing money from him and tampering with his propane tank. Wow. As I said before and made it very clear within this blog, I despise money, so why the fuck would I steal it? And I think I got better things to do than go around sneaking in his neighborhood putting our children in danger. Seriously? That’s fuckin lame and ridiculous. Ya know? His mind is so far gone, I don’t even think he knows what’s real and unreal anymore. He’s somewhere else, it certainly isn’t here.

Anyway, what else? whomever he suspects is stealing from him, it shifts, TO THE PEOPLE HE LETS INTO HIS HOME! That makes more sense. The people he surrounds himself with are questionable. I never feel safe around his crowd. Addicts, Junkies, Alcoholics, petty thieves, hookers, criminal types. As long as you have weed, he’s your friend. I don’t even think he knows the definition of friendship. It seems to be based on people using people for something in return.

I’ve gotten text messages regarding if I have a printer… The only thing remotely close to an emergency  regarding our children, via text messages or phone calls, was that he pulled our kids out of school. Turns out, that doesn’t really have anything to do with our kids, now does it?

During one of the visits he confessed that there is something about me that stresses him out. That has to do with me and my past of self mutilation. I don’t do that anymore, haven’t for years. He says he’s afraid to hurt my feelings. Haha! That changed rather quickly, he sure as hell isn’t afraid to use our children, and my access to hurt me if I so much as disagree with anything he says. Right, he’s so smart, he knows all. He’s so “godly”. Pssssh…. Get over yourself. If you want to talk about politics, religion, sociology, etc, expect and respect an opposite opinion. No 2 perspectives are the same. And anyone mature enough to converse of such things  would be open to someone that challenges their thinking capabilities. Kind of funny he got so anal considering he was the one that told me before there were no absolutes, yet he sure seems mighty sure of himself and his opinion. No no no! Can’t disagree with him. He’ll power-trip you if you do, and not let you and your kids do anything for the remainder of the visit, but stare at a screen. Then he’ll cut your access from your children. Sounds like a bitch to me.

He keeps telling me to pick a side, God or Satan. I choose neither. Not only do I think it’s all a fiction, a hoax to control the masses of people when it comes to Religion, the Bible, Jesus, and God. Hell and Satan were invented to induce fear. When people are scared, they are easier to control. That is how abuse works. But why pick sides? That’s the problem with this freakin world. There always has to be a side. What if there isn’t a side, and we can just be? Accepting each-other regardless of our differences. Bible thumpers cannot see that perspective for some fucked up reason. Too brain-washed I guess. It’s all about division, and judgement with them. I admit, I’ve been struggling with my faith. I barely believe that there is even a Creator.  As for the white mans religion, I sometimes think such things as how much it would make me laugh if their supposed god returned as a coloured woman. That would pop a lot of egos, and be highly amusing. But I doubt the return. And when I hear religious people babble on hallelujah, praise jesus! Amen! The power of Christ! He has returned! I think they are full of shit. They all come off as crazy to me. I’m sure when they hear my perspectives, they think I’m crazy as well. So yay! We’re even. Maybe your creator isn’t ever going to come back because it has been divided into each and every single living entity. Until there is unity, there is no “return” so to speak. No peace. No “heaven on earth”, because we’re too dumb and would rather continue to live as slaves in our own personal hell we created. It is what we make it. Isn’t that what we were supposedly given, free will? Let the Capitalist rule. See what happens when you put humans in charge when humans are not meant to lead. Let alone capable without corruption. That’s another way to look at it I guess. If you really go far back, as my ex claims he has, but obviously hasn’t. God= The Sun. The “giver of life”. You praise the damn sunshine you nut bars, and have been for centuries! It’s all astrology. And I am a reflection of light you imagined here, because yes, your mind is that freakin powerful. We all are, you just don’t believe it.

Anyway, my ex clearly trolls my blog, has been for years. I mean, seriously? He thinks he can suddenly sweet talk me with my interest in sociology? Dude, your ship has sailed a long time ago, and it isn’t ever going to come back. “You’re such a vampire.” Haha! Where else could you have gotten that idea of me, besides this blog where I given that analogy where I’m like a vampire. I don’t go anywhere, unless invited. And there’s been other numerous hints that yeah, he’s my number one troll. Get a life.

He says I’m not scary, but he’s sure afraid of my energy when I’m angry. That’s because I know how to use it. How to transform it. I’ve been sharing my story of us for years, and thanks to his B.S it is just ongoing. Why the fuck should I protect his face and name? I’ve lost all fucks given. He sure as hell doesn’t hesitate to bring my name up numerous times. Now we’re equal. Balanced so to speak. If you want to be the negative impact in my life, I will write and draw it out. It will be recorded, and become history. He chose to be immortalized as the bitch, and the douche in our story with the never ending abuse. – Pooks

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”- Lundy Bancroft

More Flip-Flopping Bullshit

Blogging 4- 5 days early, thanks to my schizophrenic ex! Seriously, he’s loco! Fuckin guy goes from “we’re friends” to freakin enemies in less than a day. And quite honestly, I am sick of that shit. As I’ve said before, he’s worse than a girl. Well there’s a good example with all that emo flip-flopping bullshit. He’s on his own! Fuck him.

He took the kids out of school this week because he’s having problems with the school again. This time the Catholic School. He’s freaking out over the fact that they took pictures without his consent. Well I guess the government, or O.S.S.D, needs some kind of photo identification of some sort of all students filed. But not only that, they threatened to call the police on him for not bringing the kids to school. Well… don’t do that. Don’t threaten him, because he’s a coward that will do what he does. He’ll pick up and run. In this case, take the kids out of the Catholic School, and consider homeschooling them instead. Note, this has nothing to do with the kids. Matter of fact, they were doing well in school.  It’s only because the school threatened HIM. Not the first time that happened. The last school our kids were at, they were getting suspicious of the father regarding our son’s aggressive behavior, and what did he do? He took our kids out of the school, and placed them into the Catholic School. He’s running, the moment anyone has any hint or idea of what the heck is going on, he runs.

You want to know why my son was acting up so much at that public school?? Maybe it’s because he is constantly being verbally abused by his father. He get’s called every name in the book. So of coarse he does not feel good about himself, and he takes it out on others. It’s a cycle. Yes, he needs to learn another form of release. A healthier way to cope. Although the best solution would be to take him right out of that environment, ahem, the home he is currently in. But no, let’s keep him there. And no matter how much I try to boost my son’s self-esteem, he doesn’t believe me. He says, “I don’t believe you. My Dad says I’m a prick.” Last weekend I showed him a picture of himself as a baby, and said he was adorable. That was the response I got, the one where he got called a prick by his father.

I mean, it’s not like he works. He does fuck all all day. Let alone clean his house for that matter (his kitchen is disgusting btw). London Housing did an inspection not too long ago, and warned him about the mess, and yeah, still a pig stye. He’s lazy. And he doesn’t have to do much. Get the kids to school?! That’s pretty freakin simple. All the other parents in the ghetto can do it. But no, not my ex. They’re always late, or they don’t show up at all.  Hence why the school was going to call the police. He didn’t get them into school before 1pm, let alone at all that day, and didn’t notify the school  with any reason of absence. Although sleeping in probably isn’t a good reason.

So he was thinking of home schooling, and suddenly wanted to take this big leap of trust in me out of the blue. Asking me to help educate our children when it comes to that decision. Saying I could get more access if I do. Of coarse I’m gonna be thinking wtf? He was accusing me of stealing shit, and didn’t want me on his property not too long ago. I respected that. But now suddenly he wants to supposedly “trust” me, and he’s all buddy buddy inviting me over for Thanksgiving and even invited me to sleep on the couch.I went along with it. Thinking, ya know? He probably thinks we’ll get back together, and yeah, I’m gonna disappoint him once again, because we’re not. My mind is flat out clear on that.

Anywho, this evening, I get to his place to visit the kids, and he thinks he can babble my ear off about sociology, the government, illuminati, ebola…jesus and shit etc,. No, I’m there to visit the kids, and matter of fact, they hate it when their father babbles on and on trying to take my attention from them. We did bicker a little about Jesus. Two different points of views. He’s a believer, I’m not. I don’t appreciate when someone tries to push their opinion on me, and yeah, I said ENOUGH! I’m not there to debate and argue. I’m there for the kids. But yeah, since when does he ever really think of them? Anyway, he was pretty sour for the rest of the evening.

During the whole visit, we weren’t allowed to do anything but stare at my ex’s flat screen t.v without him getting pissed off about it. I mean, even our son tried to play quietly with his toys, but no, my ex didn’t like the noise he was making. Okay Hitler! Apparently were not allowed to do shit. Our son asked if we could play outside, nope. That wasn’t allowed either. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed inside. Hide N’ Seek is not allowed outside. No tag. No running. No nothing.

He sent them up for their bath-time, and said I had to go. I was basically getting kicked out. Unusual because before he used to let me stay until the kids went to bed. Heck, last weekend, I was helping out with homework. Not this time. And I questioned his behavior, mentioned that he seemed kind of grumpy. He denied it, and I pointed out the tone of his voice and body language. He just said bye, and shut the door on my face. But sure enough, like the coward he is, he waits til I’m gone and sends a text message stating that he was ease-dropping on a conversation I had with my son. Yeah I said he was a grouch. My son mistook the word grouch for douche, and I said “yeah, his dad can be sometimes.” I was actually putting that pretty lightly considering. Anyone who knows me, him, this situation, or anyone who has been following my journey, would more than likely agree; He’s a full out douche bag.

I go through a lot of shit with that guy. A lot of unpleasant shit. Unnecessary shit. Too much shit.

I don’t care if he supposedly recorded my conversation. Good. I hope he listens to it over and over again, because it’s the truth. He’s a grouch, he’s lazy, and yeah I think he’s a douche. That’s pure honesty. I only put it lightly for our kids sake.

But whatever. He said it would be better off if we did pick ups and drop offs at Merrymount, that is if I’m still interested in the visits, they’ll be in touch. Taking those steps backwards again. Not only that, but he even texted me telling ME to not text or phone him anymore. Umm.. what?? He’s the one that’s been contacting me all week. Pointless text messages and phone calls about a printer, or a hooker harassing him, or people stealing things from his house, etc. Look at the crowd you surround yourself with! It hasn’t changed. Still addicts only interested in their next fix. Of coarse they’re going to steal from you. Ugh! Besides, I’d rather only have contact when necessary. I don’t want to hear from him during the week if it’s not an emergency regarding our children.I believe I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s not like he ever listens anyone.

So yeah, more flip flopping bullshit from my schizophrenic ex. My kids shouldn’t be in that environment with him, but they are.

One day, our kids will be old enough to make their own decision of where they want to be, and I doubt they will want to stay with him. It doesn’t really look like they enjoy it there. Especially if they are not allowed to play. Let alone have a parent put time aside to play WITH them.

Although, if things keep going the way they’re going, with the schools and whatnot, they’ll catch on soon enough. Or someone will. And he’ll lose the kids by his own doing. I’m not helping him no more. He’s on his own. If he loses the kids, he loses them. And I will fight whoever comes next for my access, wither it be C.A.S or a family placement. I have every right to see my kids. My ex is just being a power-tripping douche. Ya know? I tend to think if my ex loses our kids, so do I. But that’s not entirely true. I don’t know that. If he does lose our children, it could mean opportunity.

Thank you C.A.S, for putting my kids in such a horrible home. You gave him quite the ego boost. Freakin guy thinks he’s invisible and untouchable now.

Smh. This evening while watching t.v, he said he didn’t like selfish people that only think of themselves. I don’t think he has taken a real good look at himself within these last few years. But then again, he is probably too cowardly to do so. Heaven forbid his ego was a lie. – Pooks

“Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.” – Bonnie Myotai Treace

"You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar." - Pooks

“You want to talk about religion?! Here is a symbol of your precious religion that I actually use. Unlike my ex, the supposed Jesus believer, the pathological liar. This blog is my sword of truth.” – Pooks

From the Arms on the Painting to Make-up on Teddy Bears

I’m trying to remember my week. Last Monday I was obviously at the New School of Colour painting. Every time I return to that painting, I see something I want to fix. I think in the last blog post I said that this piece was experimental. Not entirely true. I mean yes, the oozing eyes are Giger inspired. The Jester, James Patterson inspired. But in the image there are two arms. One with it’s hand on the jesters throat, the other placed by the head/hat. If you recall, my ex was threatening to make changes to my access awhile back. I was angry, and took that anger to display his assault onto me that happened in 2009/2010… Ahem, I was grabbed by the throat, and dragged by the hair. So, my own anger and darkness seeped into the image. It does have some personal meaning symbolically of an altercation that took place years ago. I wasn’t experiencing physical abuse at that particular time during this painting, but more psychological. So maybe it was my way to express that abuse was present, with my ex using my access with the children to threaten me with.

Even though my ex did approach me, and admitted he had trust issues, not much has changed to my access with our children. That I am grateful for. Maybe he realized I’m not the one stealing from him after-all. I don’t know. I couldn’t give a shit about his money, or whatever material items he may have. It’s all freakin junk to me. The only valuable beings in his possession that I have any interest in, are our children. Like seriously dude! You have nothing I want except the company of our children. And since I consider everything they’ve gone through, and don’t want to disrupt what they have gotten used to, they remain in his possession. I appreciate and am grateful for the time I do get with our children. So miraculously, the psychological abuse has shipped sail. For now.

Tuesday…job search. I can’t remember when I e-mail my Leads worker a job post, but I sent her one, requesting her to fax it on my behalf since I did not have access to a fax machine. I was applying to one of those stores that sell paint. I don’t know. A job like that can benefit me as an artist when it comes to mixing colours. I guess when I job search, I seek for jobs that will be beneficial for me in the long run. Mixing colours may help whatever paint shop obviously, but in the long run, if I did that regularly, that would improve my own skills as an artist. So I guess I am seeking for something that will give me an advantage in one way or another temporarily. And of coarse, I’m seeking a job that involves some interaction with people, so customer service businesses. Not by phone, I feel utterly stupid talking over the phone. So telemarketing or anything like that is out of the question. I am trying to improve my people skills, and custodial work, or becoming a dishwasher is only a step backwards. I’m looking for a place that get’s customers, but isn’t overly busy. Hence, my anxiety with crowds. Baby steps.

On Wednesday I had dinner over at a friends house, an early Thanksgiving meal…or I should say FEAST! My Ducky Doo made an excellent chef, Hostess and Waitress. I mean she did everything, and was prepping the day before. Her hard work definitely paid off, it was delicious. Especially the puff pastry, because I just absolutely love that stuff. Her boyfriend was there (obviously they live together), and Kim. So it was just us four, but it was nice. We caught up, and had dinner while watching the tube. Southpark was hilarious! Ya! Ya! Ya! But yeah, well done Ducky Doo! that was our first Thanksgiving get together and it was a success. We normally do a Christmas Gathering, but that will be next.

Thursday was my Leads appointment, which will be every Thursday for the next few months. Soon I will be starting the exercise booklets again. Try to strengthen my weaknesses so to speak. This time I was 10-15 minutes late. Doh! I said I missed the bus. Honestly, I just woke up probably an hour before my appointment. So yeah, it was quite the rush to get ready, and what not. Normally I like to take my time when getting ready. It can take me an hour or two normally. But not that day. I skipped the shower, put my hair up, got dressed, and got my ass to a bus stop. Very last minute, very rushed. Probably only had one coffee. It normally takes 3 coffees until I snap out of it, and feel fully functional. So yeah, you can imagine. One of those “There, but not there” kind of days.

Friday, I spend the day cleaning up the house getting it ready for my guests of honour, muh babies!

Oh yeah, I had a friend get on my ass about not visiting my friend with cancer for awhile. I’m sorry but I tend to pry myself away from clingy people. Ya know? She wanted me there everyday, practically. And not only that, but when I did visit her, it was like we were just sitting there waiting to die. I could be doing more productive things with that time. And sitting around like I’m dying myself, no, not so good on my mental health. Let alone physical. I mean depression can effect you physically after awhile, and as soon as I saw these 2 lumps forming under my nose, that weren’t zits, they were more like cysts the size of peas, painful, but filled with water and blood. They went away, as soon as I got myself away from that negative environment. Not only that, but I felt like she was trying to take advantage of me. Make me out to be her own personal nurse. If I wanted to be a nurse, I would have gone to school to be a nurse. I already had a disabled schizophrenic take advantage of me years ago, that shits not happening again. If she wants to live the rest of her life miserable, than yeah, the friend I knew is already dead. That’s not how I want to spend my life living. I want to live it laughing, and hopefully I’ll die laughing. I don’t even think it’s the cancer, it’s the ostomy bag that she has to live with the rest of her life that gets her down. The physicality of it. Anyway, it may seem insensitive. But there is only so much negativity I can take in, and no, I don’t want to be around it everyday. So for my own health, I get myself away from depressing, negative environments.

Saturday, my ex dropped them off at my house, since I have been doing the picking up and dropping off for the last couple of weeks. As soon as they got here, we left back to the store, parted ways with my ex, returned home, and back to the store! Going in circles. Haha! The first time, smokes. The second time, bus tickets. Anywho, I took our children out for dinner, and they chose McDonalds. We were there for quite a bit, the sun was setting when we left. When we returned to my place, my son got some time on the computer, my daughter and I put make-up on her teddy bears, and drew pictures. They weren’t feeling sleepy as the night went on. So to burn off some of that energy, we went outside and raced eachother up and down the street a few times. But then we watched Monsters University, which turned out to be too bright and colourful for quiet times. Haha! So I put on classical music, played some Bach, like I normally do, and they were out like lights.

Sunday, I got invited over to my ex’s for Thanksgiving Dinner. It was good. I mean, nothing compared to what Ducky served Wednesday, but still good. Anywho, I got to play Injustice, Gods Among Us on the XBox. We kinda had a family tournament. That was fun. When it comes to games, that was one I actually wanted to check out. Ahem, Harley Quinn & Joker fan right here!

Monday, since I slept on the couch at my ex’s, I was woken up my a little wet kiss on the forehead, given to me by my daughter. She was the first one up. Our son woke up a little later, and I let my ex sleep in since he was up much later than I was. Our daughter had woken up late at night, and he was up with her. There was no Hide N’ Seek this weekend, plus it isn’t allowed in my ex’s house. It was too wet and rainy to play it outdoors. So we spent the day indoors. Video-games, colouring, Tickle Monster…are just a few of the things that took place. Later in the evening I got to help muh babies with their homework, and practice reading. It makes me so proud to hear and see how well they are doing. I can’t remember what time our kids went to bed. But I stayed to have a couple coffees, and left at 2am. Since I was walking, I got home around 4am. Believe me, by the time I got back home, I was exhausted.

Tuesday, sleep…I was comatose, and was just catching up on the Sons of Anarchy shows I missed. Oh yeah, and I watched and episode of The Voice. Gwen Stefani is a judge! I’m rooting her on, although Pharrel has an advantage of being a music producer, and him and Alicia Keys…when they team up as coaches, wow. They get some amazing results.

Today, Wednesday, I am writing this! Not too much else going on. Although since there was no New School of Colour this week, I may have to visit a friend to get my semi New School of Colour fix. Those peeps are addictive. Haha! Miss em! Love em! And I’ll see them all next Monday, if not sooner.

Leads tomorrow. Visit with my kids this Friday…and the yeah, the circle repeats itself. That reminds me, it sounds like I’ll be out Trick or Treating this year with my children. That will be awesome. I can’t really afford a new costume this month, so I’ll just reuse one of the ones I already have. I have a choice, Do I want to be the Queen of Hearts? A Jester? or a First-Class Flight Attendant for Halloween? Decisions…decisions…- Pooks

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” – Audrey Hepburn

Into the Vault, Where it Belongs

Blogging twice this week, lucky you! I got to swoop up all my emotional/ personal status’s and tweets, and bring them all here, where I kind of treat this blog like a vault. Where all the shit goes.

I’ll start off by copying and pasting the conversation that turned my day upside down. I was fine, but then HE decided to freakin bother me over bullshit.

Ex: I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back (9:00am)
Me: They should be in her backpack. Wtf?! (11:05am)
Me: Or yellow no frills bag (11:05am)
Me: Sorry you had a rough morning. It’s got nothing to do with me (11:22am)
Ex: Grey pants and pink cammo pants. They are not here. We are going to make some changes. Your attitude sucks.(12:44pm)
Me: What? What did I do? I’m sorry you can’t find the clothes. I know I packed them in a plastic bag because I washed them (12:46pm)
Me: If any ones attitude sucks, it’s yours (12:48pm)

What upsets me most about this, is that he apologized a week or 2 ago for that incident that took place years ago of grabbing my throat and dragging me by the hair . He claims to take full responsibility of his actions. Silly me, thought he meant it this time, but then he turns around and does this, and threatens my access with my kids OVER CLOTHES!!! Can you be anymore fuckin psychotic?! Threatening my access with my kids. Wow. Just when I think things are okay, he turns around and shows me he’s still an abusive scumbag. By threatening my access with my kids, he is being PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE!!!

I cancelled my appointment with Leads today, I was feeling rather distraught about the psychological abuse taking place via text messaging. So since he threatened my access, which was a court order, I forwarded our conversation to my lawyer and gave him the heads up, just in case my ex does try to deny my access.

He says my attitude sucks. My attitude was fine until he text messaged me with this bullshit. Our daughter has plenty of clothes, why make a big deal over 2 pairs of pants? Unless you are looking for someone to take your shit on. I mean for starters, he couldn’t just have asked, ” Have you seen our daughters pants? They’re missing”. No. I get a straight up accusation that I must have them with his remark; “I want (Daughters Name)’s clothes back.” Of coarse I’m going to be like; What the fuck?

So no, I’m not too happy today. Matter of fact, I’m feeling rather dark thanks to him.

He’s always showing me why it’s a mistake to forgive him, or give him the benefit of the doubt. He will always be an ass. I’ve got to remember that. Don’t believe a word he freakin says, he’ll just turn around and hurt you some more.

By the looks of it, I got that message around 9am. So he was probably late getting the kids to school looking for clothes. Which yes, I can picture him getting all pissy, and marching and stomping around,  roaring like a bear over that. Find her something else to wear, and move on. But no, if he’s not taking it out on our son, he’s gotta message me and take his shit out on me.

And this freakin spaz is what C.A.S thought was ideal for our kids. Wow. Dumb-asses! Our son witnesses his temper and is scared, and I get to endure in more psychological abuse. Just wonderful! Yeah, thanks for nothing. I guess they had to close our file because they were spending too much money on our case. Obviously not on the right things. But whatever, it’s not like I didn’t try to fight that, it was out of my control. This stupid society would rather my children live with that scumbag over me. No wonder I think people are stupid, for numerous reasons. Count that as one.

So I did take precautions, I e-mailed my lawyer, in case my ex tries anything, such as deny my access. I mean, this is ridiculous. I didn’t do shit, and bam! I get a hissy fit this morning. Dude, I’m just trying to wake up with my coffee and get out the door to an appointment!

And of coarse he tried that reverse psychology shit, saying I’m the one with the attitude problem. Yet I was fine, before he a)made an accusation b) used my kids as something to threaten me with and c) reverse psychology, and say I’m the one with the attitude. I mean, NOW I have an attitude. His bullshit fuckin wrecked my day. I have to sit here and wonder, and fear, if he’s actually going to deny my access this weekend. I didn’t do anything! AND MISSING CLOTHES ( that are probably just lost in his pig stye of a townhouse) IS A PRETTY LAME REASON TO CUT MY ACCESS!!! It’s not my fault he’s psychotic!

So excuse me, If I’m a bit dark, negative and bitter for the remainder of the day. This whole freakin thing is nonsense! I’m in no mood for his bullshit, and I just stopped replying to his text messages. I don’t need his bullshit, just because he had a rough morning. Sorry I ever forgave and gave him the benefit of the doubt. A mistake I must stop making. FUCK HIM! He’ll always be an ass.

I don’t think the psychological abuse is ever going to end. It’s ongoing. So ladies, do NOT have children with an abusive prick! At least try to find out who you are with before you make that mistake. – Pooks

“I know that it’s easier to look at death than it is to look at pain, because while death is irrevocable, and the grief will lessen in time, pain is too often merely relentless and irreversible.”- Robert Goolrick

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Silently Babbling

So apparently I have been sitting around, waiting for nothing. Well la dee freakin da!

Yes, I handed in my income statement late, and it should have been processed by now. So I e-mailed my OW worker to see what is up, and apparently she terminated my file. I’m pretty sure that I am to be notified of this, and did not receive any notification stating so. There has been some seriously bad communication, obviously. Yes, I’ve been sick there for awhile with food poisoning. But I still should have gotten a letter in the mail stating my termination, and what was needed. Did I get that? No. Technically I don’t think that is even allowed. There has to be some communication with the client, ya know?

That did anger me a little bit, kinda frustrated me, but no worries. I got this. It will all be taken care of tomorrow. As I am going to drop off a bill at their office, and already e-mailed the other. It just get’s stressful when I am waiting for this income, to pay bills that are late, and top up on groceries so I can feed my kids when they’re here, and this income isn’t even coming because someone didn’t bother to communicate with me to tell me that I was cut off and why. Thanks for not doing your job!

I guess the other thing she needed was a follow up on what happened after I got referred to Leads employment services. Well…I got placed on a huge waiting list regarding the program she referred me to, whichever that may be. I don’t know. Anyways, the reason I didn’t follow up was because a Leads worker said they’d let my OW worker know that I had followed up on the referral. So sorry for assuming that I didn’t have to. I trust Leads, they’re pretty good at getting things done. So, maybe my OW worker is completely disregarding that. I doubt the workers at Leads would fail to follow through on something like that.

Other than that inconvenience, the wonderful life on poverty lane, things have been good.

This evening I returned to The Arts Project as a volunteer floater, and I forgotten just how inspiring that can be. Being surrounded by all that art, it’s awesome.

I even ran into people that were in my  fine arts class, a decade ago at Fanshawe College, while I was volunteering at The Arts Project. I didn’t recognize them, they had to tell me their names. But they recognized me. Which is pretty amazing because I’m pretty sure back then my head was shaved, most of it, except for the bangs. Anyways, it was good to see them. glad they stopped to say hi.

I was surprised my supervisor asked if I was still painting. Yes, I am. 🙂 I guess she remembers that I sold a painting once at The Arts Project. She even asked about school, and said it’s good to take a year off. That is a very optimistic perspective. I needed that. I can be pretty hard on myself, you know? Trying this post secondary school thing and fucking it up twice. Hopefully the third times a charm. In 2015, I shall try again. I am more aware of the mistakes I’ve made, and whom I can reach out to for help. Also, I found I was more successful when I did my homework in the library, or in the Indigenous Services lounge. Rather than taking my homework home, where I can be easily distracted. So yes, I will try again. I got sociology credit during the summer. Maybe in the fall of 2015, I will be ready to try the Visual Arts again. We shall see.

In the mean time, I’m still creating art like a storm at the New School of Colour. After doing a nice lovely painting of scenery, animals, butterflies, flowers, and the desert… I decided to bring the darkness back into my art with the piece I’m currently working on. I did an art piece where it was apparent that I was inspired by Salvador Dali, now I’m trying to make it obvious that I am inspired by H.R Giger…. with the oozing eyes like his painting titled; Guillotine. Using little things that symbolize their work. It started off with these pretty colours blending together in the background, then bam! In the foreground, a jester with oozing eyes. Haha! Not so pleasant anymore, but it’s fun. There will be more added to it I’m sure, it’s not complete unless I drive myself nuts with some kind of detail.

The plan, regarding my ex and our kids, was to take our kids to the Western Fair this coming weekend. But the rate things are going with OW at the moment, I doubt I will be able to pitch in financially. Fingers crossed shit gets sorted out before the weekend.

Also, I was looking into getting another digi-cam, and this poor guy I contacted has been waiting patiently, uggghh!! You know? I don’t mean to leave him hanging like that. $40, for another camera, that’s a great deal, but can’t do shit without any income.

What else? On Thursday I’m going to the Aeolian Hall for the East London Symposium event. Learning about the history of EOA could be interesting, as well as meeting other community members from the Old East Village Community Association, and the Hamilton Road Community Association. This little hermit is actually going to go out and attempt to socialize, to celebrate the East Side of London. I know there are people that are quick to judge the East, but despite it’s reputation, I love the people, and the community. Not to forget that the Old East Village has been nominated as one of the Great Places in Canada! So nyeh! 😛 Haha! You can vote for the Old East Village as well at the following link, voting goes until September 25th! :

http://www.greatplacesincanada.ca/en/place.asp?id=1010

Take Back the Night, gathering, rally, and march is next week. Next Thursday to be exact, at Victoria Park, starting at 5:30pm. An event intended as a protest and direct action against sexual violence and other forms of violence against women. It will be the third year I’ve participated. So I am looking forward to that.

Over the last weekend I gave this blog site a make over. As you can plainly see. I do that from time to time. I get bored, give my blog a make-over. I also made some updates on my Weebly website. 

I did some job searching on my spare time, filled out applications, zapped out my resume here and there. No one has gotten back to me yet. I forgot I have to fax a resume off somewhere. I’m pretty sure I wrote that down. I can do that tomorrow while I’m out and about. Newho, that’s enough babbling silently for me. That’s this weeks update on life, hope you enjoyed! – Pooks

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.”- Noam Chomsky