Focus on the Positive

As you may have noticed from my last post, I  almost gave this up. As in this blogging thing. Instead, I think I will try to be more careful on what I write about. Sure, I  can handle the judgment. But when I think of my children, my family, and how it could be impacting their lives….Putting a spotlight on myself is one thing. But my kids? To the point, they’re being followed by strangers in public?? It may or not be because of this blog. But if it is… Yeah. I  can change that by not sharing every little detail.

Yeah I was stressed about my son being home schooled. But I realize that I cannot be putting myself under that kind of stress, especially while I’m pregnant, worrying over something I have no control over. The Thames Valley School Board gave the approval, and I will just have to trust my ex that he will do his best for our sons sake.
I  was impressed to hear that my ex is trying to get our son out into social settings. Yeah, there will come a time when our son will have to interact with the outside world. No matter how uncomfortable that is for an introvert.

I haven’t seen my son for about a month now. He’s stopped wanting to come over since he can’t take no for an answer, let alone handle any form of discipline. All the gifts he’s been given have been temporarily  stored away since he’s been so ungrateful. Ya know? We’re just trying to teach gratitude. All he has to do is say thank you once in awhile. A thank you can go a long ways.

And since he rarely visits these days, it just makes sense to convert his room into the baby’s room. The baby will be here 24/7. My daughter rarely misses visits. So she’s here on most weekends. She can keep her room. If and when my eldest son ever decides to visit, he is more than welcome to sleep on the couch.

Anyways, I decided I’m not going to stress over my sons behavior, attitude, or nonsense. He’s got some growing up to do. And I’ll just give that time. I have bigger things to focus on. Such as the baby on the way.

Maybe my son just needs a wake up call when it comes to reality. Time to get his head out of video games, and prepare him for the shit that society has in store. That way it won’t come as a big shock. And hopefully his father can provide that for him. Yes, as we “grow up”, adults have expectations and responsibilities. There’s no escaping that. Especially if you want to survive. A person will need to learn to take care of themselves, and be resourceful.

Not to mention, maybe this one on one time with his father can be beneficial. They used to butt heads, and their relationship was kinda rocky in the past. Maybe the time spent together, bonding, is just what he needs.

Over the weekend my ex said they walked home together from the theatre. That’s awesome. Not only does it get our son out and about,  but it gives our son that quality time that perhaps he desperately needs. Especially from his father figure.

So yeah, I’m not going to stress or judge. But have faith that my ex can get our son back on track, unlike the school system, that pretty much just gave up on him.

For a couple of weeks my man was feeling down when it comes to my children. I  mean, my sons sudden change of attitude. He went from liking my partner, to just shutting him out. Then my daughter saying that she doesn’t consider my man as part of the family. Yeah, that hurt him. He was asking himself, why does he even bother trying? But I’m here for him. We’ll get through this. I guess this kind of stuff is to be expected when it comes to step parents. So yeah, I’m grateful he hasn’t given up. One day they’ll see why mommy loves him. He has been amazing towards me, and my children. Even if they can’t see it. I don’t think every man would put his girlfriend, and her children ( that aren’t his) as a priority over themselves. So yeah, that’s special. ❤

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, I  had a good weekend with our daughter. She loves coming over. We baked 2 cakes, played board games, watched movies, blew bubbles, and of coarse she played with her favorite puppy in the world, Chewie. Those 2 are like best buds. It’s cute.

In other news, I have met up with a Doula twice so far. She’s been really helpful so far when it comes to preparing for the birth of my baby. We’ve come up with a birth plan, and are putting together questions for my doctor. I’m starting to feel more prepared the closer I get to my due date. She’s even giving me alternative ideas of things or positions to try during contractions. As well as tips of exercises that can help the baby get into the proper position so that it won’t be breech, and it will be ready when the time comes. She’s been very informative. So yeah, glad to have her as my doula.

What else? Art. I  just got confirmation a while back that the mini portrait of my man has arrived to New York. That’s a relief. I was starting to worry that it had gotten lost in the mail. All that hard work!! But nope, they got it! And my art will be in the Twitter Art Exhibit in NEW YORK!! It’s my third time participating, and donating my art for charity. I couldn’t be more proud!

Next up, Up with Art. I am almost done my painting for that event. Proceeds go to the Unity Project for relief of homelessness for men, women and youth. Having family members out there that are homeless, and having experienced it myself in the past, Homelessness and poverty are strong issues that I will do what I can to make a difference. In this case, art, which will help raise funds for a local shelter, that helps people get back on their feet so to speak.

I  will need to print out some registration forms at a library one of these days. Especially if I plan to participate in other upcoming art exhibitions, such as The Framing of the Phoenix and London Pride. So yeah, busy busy. There is also the Healing Palette, but I believe that is later on in the year. Not to forget that I have a commission piece to do for some peeps in the family.

So yeah, Pooks is still going strong. Waddle or no waddle. Haha! I am still working hard getting my alias name out there! Bwahahaha! Thanks for reading. Peace and love – Pooks

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.”

– Stephen R. Covey

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Beach ball

Hello again.

After talking to my OW worker on the phone, she was asking why I haven’t been showing up to Leads lately. I’m pretty sure I already explained that in my previous blog. So yeah, I filled her in. She suggested that I e-mail the Leads worker to give her feedback regarding how our last appointment went. That way the same doesn’t happen with future, or other clients. Ya know? Keep it professional. So I did that. My OW made it a point to not express any hostility, but to explain my perspective of what took place. Hopefully, I accomplished that. The following is what I sent, hopefully I don’t sound too much like a bitch.

Hello ****,
my OW worker has requested that I contact you, & follow up with you even though it is no longer necessary for me to go ahead with Leads. I will be job searching independently for the remainder of time of my pregnancy.
However, she did say that giving you feedback regarding our last appointment could be beneficial to you and future clients.
In your last email you apologized for your poor communication. I can forgive you for that. But I must let you know how I felt, and why I walked out.
First off, I felt like your questions had nothing to do with employment, and found them rather personal. Questions regarding my relationship, my pregnancy, my family, and if CAS is involved. None of those topics have anything to do with why I come to Leads in the first place.  I feel like you forgot your own occupation. You are not a psychologist, councilor, or an interrogation officer. The way you asked those questions, it was like a lightning round of questions. You were not really giving me time to think about my answers, you were cutting me off. As a deep thinker i prefer time to think before I speak. So that came off as rude and disrespectful, and it triggered my anxiety. It came off as aggressive behavior so I walked out of my appointment.
To avoid the same situation with other clients, I suggest focusing on skills and employment.
Thank you for taking the time to read my perspective. I hope my feedback will come in handy for the sake of others.

Sincerely,

Pauline King Shannon

Anyways, my OW worker gave me the option to either continue with Leads, and try to work things out with this worker, or for the last 2 months of my pregnancy, job search independently. However, she did say that trying to work it out with the Leads worker would give me some experience when dealing with difficult people or situations in the work field. That was before she thought about it, and gave me the option to job search independently. I got 2 more months to go. I mean, mobility is becoming more and more of a challenge. My tummy is growing into a beach ball. So yeah, job searching from home for 2 months would be a hell of a lot easier.

Umm… yesterday I was feeling kinda down. But thanks to my babe for listening and trying to understand. Even though I know he can’t possibly fathom what I was feeling. Yes, being pregnant is wonderful. But at the same time… Ughhh… I miss being as active I used to be. Also, pregnancy can come with some unpleasant side effects. For example: a bladder infection, hemorrhoids, swollen feet, ankles and fingers, indigestion, itchy breasts, etc, etc. So no, I’m not feeling so fabulous lately. And running to the washroom every 2 hours at night, ugh..no fun. I’m losing sleep. So there is a part of me that is getting impatient, and kinda feel tired of being pregnant. Like, just pop already! Lol Then there’s another part of me that doesn’t want to pop just yet, we aren’t ready. We still need a crib mattress, and other things for when I go into the hospital.

For a while there, I felt like I was being ignored, because my partner would be playing a videogame on the XBox One for hours. But he proved me otherwise. He turned off his game just to talk to me. So there goes that assumption that the game was a higher priority. Yup, scratch that. My babe is amazing. Probably just my freakin hormones going crazy. Thinking the worst.

Anyways, feeling much better today. Not as gloomy. I only got 2 more months to go, so yeah. I can do this!!

What else? … Sounds like my babe will be switching jobs soon. He works for his Dad, as a framer, and it sounds like his dad is done with framing and is gonna move onto other things. Luckily for my babe, he has a number of jobs to fall back on. I mean, he was offered 3 jobs that are there and waiting. So yeah, that’s pretty awesome.

Speaking of my babe, his portrait that I painted is off to New York for the Twitter Art Exhibit. Hopefully it arrives to it’s destination safely. This year all original post card art will be benefiting Foster Prides “Homemade program”. A program in which young women in foster care learn to create and market a unique line of goods.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It’ll be my third time participating in the Twitter Art Exhibit. Ya know? It kinda gives my art a purpose when I am able to help out non- profit organizations by donating my art. I tend to do that a lot. Lol Even locally. But I don’t know, I get a sense of a greater accomplishment that way. It’s like David Sandum ( the curator of the Twitter Art Exhibit) says; Art can make a difference.

Speaking of art, my mans mother and her boyfriend surprised me yesterday. They called and were requesting for a commission piece. Even though I hardly ever do commission pieces, but we’ll see how that goes. I’ve done commission work once, I think I can do it again. But normally, I like to paint and create whatever I want.

However, my focus at the moment is creating something for the next Up with Art event. A fundraising event that benefits the homeless through the Unity Project. The thing is, now that I have completed and shipped off my art to the Twitter Art Exhibit, my mind is at a blank or stand still when it comes to my next project. Can’t force inspiration, or creativity, it just happens. So hopefully, I can come up with something before the Spring.

Onto other things…. my man said that once we are done saving up for our baby and getting everything he/she needs. We can start saving up to see my family up north. That’s awesome! I got a feeling that my man will love it up in Trout Lake. My Aunt is already planning to take him to all her best fishing spots. Lol So yeah, that’s exciting. If not this year, maybe next year. Yaaaaay!

My cousin said it would be awesome if I could bring all 3 of my children. My son, daughter, and the baby. Yeah that would be awesome, but I think my son and daughter are too urbanized. I think they would complain the whole time being  out in the bush. Heck, it’s challenging enough just to get them to go to the conservation areas within the city with me. And I’m not sure my ex would allow that, since such a thing wasn’t allowed in the past. Things may have changed since then, and who knows, maybe he’d appreciate the break. But yeah, we’ll see when the time comes.

Speaking of my son and daughter, my son didn’t come to the last weekend visit. That was a bit disappointing, but it is his choice. This attitude he has towards my man is getting beyond annoying. My man is a good man. He’s not abusive. He works his ass off to make sure me and the kids are well off. And yeah, I’d hate to say it, but my son is being an ungrateful little shit. But I guess that kind of behavior is to be expected when adults, such as teachers and parents, let children walk all over them or just let the kid have their freakin way. And since my man won’t tolerate any disrespect or ungratefulness, he tries to discipline or teach that there are consequences to ones actions…No, my son won’t have it. How dare anybody try to teach him anything or discipline him in anyway. So yeah, perhaps all this, whatever my ex is teaching our son, is back-firing on us all, because our son has no respect for any authority figure. Parents included. Maybe it would be better off teaching him that kinda stuff, anti-capitalism stuff, when he’s older and not so literal. He’s 10 years old for crying out loud! Better yet, start teaching him to survive on his own. Teach him to cook, clean, garden, etc, etc. That way he’s not completely screwed over when it comes time to go out into the world on his own. That’s 8 years away, look how quick 10 years flew by. Geez!!

sayno

Source: Pinterest

Yeah, things with my son are a bit frustrating lately, and my ex wants us to coddle him basically. But the way I see it, we’re the adults, he’s the child. It’s not the other way around. There needs to be discipline, and routine, and structure with a child, otherwise…yeah.  You get my point. Ughhhh!!!  Stressed out mama.

Thankfully, were not going through this bullshit with our daughter. Ya know? She’s doing amazingly well in school, and actually wants to go. So good for her. If she keeps that positive attitude, she can get pretty far.

So yeah, that is an ongoing issue regarding our son and us 3 adults. I’m at a loss when it comes to doing something about it. I mean, my time is limited with my son, and if he chooses to not visit, then he doesn’t visit. So majority of my sons fate is left up to my ex, and it doesn’t look very promising. That’s just my perspective. I’m his mother, I’m supposed to worry about his well-being.

Anyways, that’s enough of that. It’s stressful enough just thinking about it.

So yeah, that’s some of the things going on in my life.

Other than that, I got my appointment booked at the Birthing Centre. Get to go over my birth plan, so on and so forth. 2 more months to go, and my mans and I’s pudgy little baby will be here! 😀

As always, thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”

– Jane Wagner

 

Hit Another Stage

Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!

Anyways, I know I’m not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I’ve gone from weekly, to every two weeks.  Basically, I’m just posting when I find the time.

Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I’m not overly tired either, I can blog.

A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.

The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there’s a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I’m good!

Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn’t a happy camper that day.  I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I’d assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn’t the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.

Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.

Not to mention I didn’t appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That’s not your job. She’s not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn’t any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I’m 6-7 months pregnant. I’m not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I’ll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I’m obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I’m late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don’t get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn’t want this woman as worker anymore.

So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and I really don’t want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.

Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it’s like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I’m a good mom. My kids know I’m a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That’s one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That’s the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.

I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He’s got more support than the average child. He’s still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.

My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He’s rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…

Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It’s difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it’s a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he’s kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue,  they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he’s doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They’d rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can’t see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.

Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.

As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he’d learn in school. So that he doesn’t fall too much behind.  My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We’ll start from scratch and build him up from there.

My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I’s  son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don’t want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.

In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.

Anyways, it’s pretty sad that my ex says he’s pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.

I know he’s a smart kid. He’s just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it’s time to learn, it’s time to learn. We weren’t given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don’t. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.

But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.

I’ve also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he’s still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He’s been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won’t do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.

There’s another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.

So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it’s a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.

Thankfully my daughter doesn’t have the same issue regarding school. She’s doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she’s been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She’s adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.

Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I’ve been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It’s going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it’s like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I mean, he says “art is the artists journey”, but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are  not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn’t learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won’t work unless he’s there. She has become highly dependent on him.

Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?

So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn’t go Wednesday. I didn’t feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.

Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I’m at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let  the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It’s a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.

I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.

Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So  the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.

Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that’s changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won’t be used for a first name, because I guess that would be “too embarrassing.”

Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂

Anyways, there’s a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We’re trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth.  I think that’s enough for this blog post anyways, you don’t need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.”

– Oscar Wilde

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

 

 

Bring on 2016!

Happy New Years to all my readers! Thank you for reading and following my blog through out the years. Hard to believe I’ve been doing this for 4 years now. But yeah, thanks for joining me on my journey through life.

This year has been amazing and full of surprises. I mean, I never thought I would be in a relationship, let alone expecting another baby. I thought it would be another year of the “untouchable Pooks.” But nope. I got swept off my feet, by this remarkable man that’s been waiting for me for years. And now he’s become a huge part of my life.

No, our pregnancy wasn’t planned. But we are both taking a chance. Besides, I think it’s helped  us grow even closer. And our baby-to-be is more and more seen as a blessing. We both look forward to his or her arrival. 3 more months!!

I think it’s cute when my daughter kisses and hugs my tummy. Or when she says things like, after the baby is born, she wants to hold the baby and watch movies together. That’s so cute. ❤ She seems to be handling the news of a younger sibling better than her brother did back in the day. But then again, we didn’t really prepare or talk to him about it. So to him, his little sister came out of nowhere with no warning, and yeah. He was kinda resentful about it. Ugh! The joys of parenting. You live and learn. Unfortunately, for the first-born, things are rocky since their parents are new to the whole parenting thing. So they’re a crash-coarse. Lol.

Anyways, 2015 has been amazing. I am thankful to everyone whose been apart of it. Especially the friends and family, near and far,  that have been there to share the laughter and the odd tears. But mostly laughter.

I’m grateful for my bestie for going for long crazy walks with me, those will be memories that will last a life-time. Thanks to her I got out of London for a day, and traveled to Kitchener, Waterloo, and Cambridge. Despite our lack of sleep, we still had a good time. Haha! Thank you caffeine!

I am grateful to still be a part of the New School of Colour. Thank you Marshall for taking the reigns and keeping the program going at the Ark Aid Street Mission.

I am thankful for the new friends I meet along the way.

I am thankful that my children and I are accepted into my boyfriends huge family.

Thank you to my ex for letting my children be in my life for another year. It’s been fun!

Thank you to my man of coarse. He’s taken me to such beautiful places during our hikes, and he’s made me feel like I actually matter. Thank him for picking me flowers, and for trying to surprise me at the Train station on a sprained ankle. Thank him for never giving up on me, and for actually wanting to be a father to our baby. Thank him for trying his best to be a positive part of my childrens lives. Even though there is some resistance there from my son. He doesn’t give up. Thank him for still loving me even when I get insecure, and feel like a fat lil pregnant hippo. Lol Thank him for his patience and hanging in there during my mood swings. Thank his beautiful mind, for always coming up with solutions when I panic and get emotional over obstacles in life. There is so much I can thank him for. He truly is amazing. ❤

Onto other things…This blog is turning into a blog of thank you’s, which there is nothing wrong with that. But I’m kinda avoiding what I really wanted to type about. But since I am on the topic of gratitude…

Christmas didn’t turn out as awesome as I thought it would be. However thank my man for busting his ass to try to make it awesome. I kinda feel bad that my son was so ungrateful and rude.

My ex just had to give him  tablet for Christmas. Nothing else seemed to have mattered. I mean, even one of my gifts that I gave him nearly got thrown in the trash with the wrapping paper. That’s how oblivious he was to the other gifts. He just wanted to go back to playing on his tablet. My boyfriend didn’t even get a thank you. My son has no idea how hard my man worked and stressed about giving my children a good Christmas. Which is pretty huge, because he really didn’t have to. But he did.

Thankfully, we when we went to visit My boyfriends family, on his fathers side, the tablet got left behind. However, my boyfriends family mentioned that they noticed an attitude problem with my son. Which is why they were kinda distant from him.

As my sons mother, that’s a wake up call. Of coarse I see my children as little angels. But I mean if their first impression of my son is concerning. Then yeah, somethings not right, and clearly needs to be worked on before things get way too out of hand.

I mean, I know there has been issues with the schools. But I can not pin point exactly what it is regarding my son that is causing all this. I know him and his father have a bumpy relationship. Obviously. There has been verbal abuse in the past. And my son said he wanted to put an axe in his fathers head. He’s angry. But then again, there was a time he and my daughter were hoping me and my ex would reconcile and get back together. I told them that that wouldn’t happen. I’m sure that hurt. But let’s face it, my ex and I’s past relationship was severely unhealthy. Then there’s the change with me getting into a new relationship. At first things seemed okay. But as time goes on, it’s like my son is building a wall blocking my partner out. I don’t think he copes with change very well. Never has. Even with the arrival of his little sister. He didn’t cope well with that very well either. And now there’s  another sibling on the way. He says he’s hoping for a brother, someone he can talk to. But, he doesn’t really talk to anyone. Whatever the main root of his issues are, he doesn’t let anyone in.

My partner thinks he’s a good kid regardless. He cares for him, and wants to be there for him. I mean, lately I’ve been concerned about my sons education, since he got pulled out of school to home school. Home-school doesn’t sound like it’s going very well. So yeah, I’m worried he’s falling more behind. My partner, however, bought a grade 5 curriculum text book, that includes Math, science, social studies and English. We’ve decided that our son won’t be allowed to use the XBox One, or computer, until he completes work from the text book. 1 page, both sides per subject. That way, I can see for myself just how far behind he is, and where he needs work.

My ex can teach him whatever at his place, but we’ll ( my boyfriend and I) do what we can from our end. I mean, I already asked my ex not to let our son bring his tablet over again. The whole purpose of the visits is so that I can see my son and daughter, and vice-versa. My son doesn’t come here to visit his tablet. So yeah, I don’t even want that thing here. Over the holidays, he was glued to that thing. Freakin technology, and children do not mix.

I mean, some parents are successful with technology and kids, they use it for educational purposes. However, with our son, it’s too late for that because it’s just been flat out entertainment since he was 5 years old.

So yeah, ya know? I want my son to be successful in the future. I don’t want him to have to struggle like his parents do within the welfare system. It’s not easy to get out of, as some people claim. That’s lucky. Not easy.

And I certainly don’t want him to turn to drugs and crime just to get by. My son is better than that. He deserves better than that. It’s too bad that his confidence is so low that he doesn’t believe that, or himself.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my son more than you’ll ever know. But as his mother, I won’t deny that there’s a problem and this mother is worried for him.

So I hope for 2016, and the years to follow, we can turn things around for him for the better. I hope I have the courage and strength to be the example he needs me to be. Sure I’ve accomplished great things over the years, but I’ll need to push myself even farther. Someones gotta do it, and show him another way.

So yeah, 2015 has had it’s ups, downs, obstacles and challenges. Bring on 2016! Thanks a bunch for reading, see you in the new year! Peace and love!- Pooks

“An attitude of gratitude brings great things.”

– Yogi Bhajan

 

Making up for my Absence

Long time no see!

I apologize for not blogging much lately. I think it’s been 2 weeks or so since the last time I blogged. But with Christmas rapidly approaching, we’ve been kinda busy. However, we think that my son and my daughter will have a good Christmas. Thanks to everyone that pitched in to help make this possible, wither it be through providing gifts, or money for gifts. You’re awesome! Miigwech!

Anyways, my last two Leads appointments went well. We started a module on confidence, and it turns out that my confidence isn’t as low as I had thought. It’s pretty good considering. However, pinpointing my insecurities, or admitting my insecurities was quite difficult. I got all teary eyed. But yeah, I had to state what goes through my mind, and what could have started those negative thoughts that belittle me and hold me back. It all goes back to my childhood, and the abusive foster mom. Fuck her!

I guess I need to talk about shit more until it no longer has any effect on me. But that’s the problem, as an introvert, I don’t talk about these things. In fact, I would rather try to forget. Even though that doesn’t really work, obviously. Ya know? I can move on with my life, but somewhere in the back of my mind these memories still exist, and haunt me when I am trying to move up in my life. So yeah, I need to speak about it verbally. That’s going to be a challenge. Talking about things and people I would rather pretend didn’t even exist.

Thankfully, I have my partner, and I know when I’m ready, he will listen.

But that’s enough of that. That’s some internal shit I need to work on that could in the end improve my confidence.

Umm… what else? Last week we made snow flakes out of paper at Leads. Just doing something fun and creative before the holidays. This wasn’t your ordinary fold and cut kind of snow flake. So thanks to my worker for teaching me something new. The one I made turned out pretty cool, and it is now hanging on my front door. So instead of your typical Christmas wreath, I have this cool looking snowflake! 🙂

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

At the New School of Colour, I completed a painting that has that H.R Giger Xenomorph resemblance. Which is pretty cool since I was not copying from any images, it was straight out of my head/ memory, and it came pretty close. People can tell where the inspiration came from.

As for the background, I was trying to paint without the bristles of a paintbrush. So I’d use the other end. Or I would find other objects to use. Such as the cap to my Gatorade, or the lid to my Lays Chips container. So on and so forth. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. I brought it home so that my partner can put a clear coat on it, since I can’t really do that on my own. Being pregnant and all. I have to be more careful around things that involve chemicals.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Last week, my mind kinda went blank. So I was working on some zentangles just for the hell of it.

Which reminds me, the current facilitator said that he’d try to get my art work into the library. Kind of like a small solo exhibit. That’s cool. I mean, I’ve been with the New School of Colour since 2011, and still haven’t had a solo art exhibition yet. Maybe it’s about time.

Umm… Within these last 2 weeks I also submitted some of my photography into something called “Colouring London”. Similar to what I have participated in the past with my photography, “Colouring between the Lines”. It is run by the same person that did the “Colouring between the Lines” exhibition a year or two ago, Lincoln McCardle. The difference is, this time around, the photographs submitted that get converted into colouring pages will become part of a colouring book. That’s cool. The proceeds will go to a local charity.  There’s still time to get involved, so if you are a London, ON photographer, you can submit your work to the following FB page:

Colouring London

One of 4 photographs I submitted into Colouring London. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

One of four photographs that I submitted into Colouring London. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

This past weekend my daughter was teaching me some French that she’s been learning at school. So that’s pretty awesome. She knows more words than I do. According to her report card, she’s doing well in school.

However, when it comes to an education, my son is falling more and more behind. From my perspective, both the school and my ex are responsible. The school, because it’s like they don’t want my son around. So even though my ex has been bringing my son to school, the school just sends our son back home shortly after. I can understand why my ex would get fed up, and decide to pull our son out of school. That goes on long enough, it’s like, what’s the point of bringing him in, if the school is just going to send him back home anyways. However, the homeschooling hasn’t really started, and according to my daughter, my son just sleeps all day. And sometimes I think my ex is capable of teaching our son, other times… I worry. I mean, an education is not watching Infowars. He needs to learn to read and write, and do math, and learn other skills that would benefit his future. Perhaps even learning a trade if all else fails. Infowars, and conspiracy theories won’t do that. I mean, our son has got to learn to take care of himself one day, and at this rate, it’s not looking so good. He’s not motivated to learn anything. It seems like his only interest is videogames. So as his mother, I am concerned. How do you teach someone that doesn’t want to learn? Or maybe noone has found the way to teach him yet. I mean, educational institutions focus on one way of learning, and that is auditory. Not everyone learns that way. Some people, like myself, are more visual and kinaesthetic.

Anyways, that’s a little mind boggling. I mean, I only see my children on weekends, so there is only so much I can do. My time is limited. So my sons education basically lies in the hands of the primary caregiver, my ex. Hopefully he can figure something out. Our son doesn’t need to fall more behind than he already is.

Other than that, my visits with my children have been going well. they’re good children. Even though my partner feels as if my son is being a bit resistant towards him. That whole “You’re not my father” kinda thing. But my man can understand, and has been pretty patient. I mean, he too has grown up with step dads in his life. So yeah, he can understand my son in that regard more than my son realizes. Lol

Before I forget, I want to mention that over the weekend I finally did a Christmas window painting. I painted the Grinch on the front window of my house, and I guess it turned out pretty good. I mean, the neighbors across the street asked my partner where we bought it from. I guess they thought it was one of those peel and stick on things you put on your window. Haha! Nope! My man proudly answered and said that I painted it, and that he’s always amazed with the things I can paint.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm.. what else? We’ve been preparing for our baby. Thank you to Angie Cooke from the Hamiltion Rd/ OEV Buy Nothing Group for giving us a crib.  And thank you to the kind lady that traveled all the way from Strathroy to give us a stroller. That takes care of two major pricey baby items we’ll be needing in the near future. The crib we got for free. As for the stroller, we probably paid only the quarter of the price of a brand new one. In the long run, that will help us out financially.

While I’m saying my thank you’s. I want to thank my good friend Melly for coming with me t o the Mall last week to do some Christmas shopping. It helps to go with someone that is familiar with the malls. 🙂

As for a baby update, my next doctor appointment is early January, and I believe my next ultrasound will be scheduled then. However I am happy to say that I can feel my baby kick more often. It’s kicks are getting stronger. So he or she must be growing. 🙂

Oh that reminds me, we did pick out names for our baby, even though we don’t know the sex yet.

For a girl: Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg

For a boy: Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg

We got the name Lily from my daughter. She actually suggested Lily tiger ( I think she meant Tiger Lily). But we thought the name Lily alone had a ring to it.

As for Adelaide, that is the name of the street that holds a lot of my partner and I’s relationship history. My man gave me his number to me twice on Adelaide Street. We’ve been for dates on Adelaide. We went grocery shopping on Adelaide. We both lived east of Adelaide. Our baby was even conceived on Adelaide. Lol The list goes on and on.

Derek, because that is my mans name. And my man has his fathers name for a middle name. so were kinda passing on the tradition so to speak.

King is my biological last name.

Wuytenburg is my mans last name.

So yaaay! We have a name. We actually picked those out months ago, but I just forgot to mention it here. Now you know.

Anyways, I think this is turning into quite the novel, so I shall end it here. Hard to believe Christmas is 2 days away already. But I am excited. It’s been awhile since I have celebrated Christmas with my son and daughter. I am looking forward to it. So I guess that leaves me with one more thank you. Thank you to my ex for allowing me to have our children over at my place for Christmas. It means a lot!

Oh, and thank you to the readers that actually take the time to read this whole blog post. Lol I know, it’s a long one. But then again, I’ve been M.I.A for 2 weeks. So yeah, a nice long blog post should make up for my absence. Hope you enjoyed the read. Peace and Love! – Pooks

Source: Power of Positivity

Source: Power of Positivity

 

More on my Mind than I Thought

Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.

Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.

Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂

Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.

Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.

So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.

Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol

Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.

Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.

He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.

I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.

I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.

And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.

Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.

I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.

Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.

My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.

I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what?  Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.

On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!

So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways,  My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.

Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks

Source: notsalmon.com

Source: notsalmon.com

Feel my fuckin Rage

Yes I’m blogging again. Mainly because I am upset and pissed off.

Not that long ago, I went to check my bank account, so I can at least try to budget for my visits with my kids. But no no no, apparently I’m slapped in the face with more bullshit. If someone is not asking for more money, someone is helping themselves to the money in my bank account directly and leaving me with practically nothing.

I am referring to the National Student Loan Centre. Yes, thanks to them I was forced to e-mail Merrymount and cancel the remainder of my visits with my children for the rest of the month because I can no longer afford food or transportation. Since they only left me with $23.00, I decided to say fuck it. They blew it for me this month, and I might as well just blow the rest, I’m not going to be able to stretch that. Ya know? I am pissed. Thanks a fuckin lot.

Sure there are food banks and soup kitchens, but my son specifically requested not to take him to a soup kitchen again, and surround him with “hobo’s“. So that option is out. I try to tell my son not to be so bias towards homeless people, and to stop calling them “hobo’s”. I mean, both his father and I are on welfare, were not much higher in this supposed social status bullshit. We’re basically looked down upon on the same freakin level, but he’s a kid, and doesn’t quite understand that. I try to tell him they are people too.

I took my kids to a church dinner once. It was a breakfast at All Saints Cathedral. If I didn’t, they would have missed a meal, and I try my best to at least feed them 2 lunches, 1 dinner, and 1 breakfast during their stay over. Had I not taken to that meal, they would have gone hungry for about 4 hours.

So if soup kitchens are out of the question, and Food Banks only give me food for one person, because I don’t have joint custody, and the kids names are not on my OW stub. I’m kinda screwed. I can fend for myself, but I don’t really think there is any other choice but to cancel the remainder of my visits for February. I’d hate to have to do it. I know my kids will be upset, they will miss me, and I will miss them.

Earlier this evening I was taking pictures of myself on my daughters camera holding a piece of paper saying “I love you.” I was looking forward to surprising her with that the next time she played with her camera. But I guess that surprise will have to wait until March.

I hate your monetary fuckin fascist system. Let’s steal from the poor! I hope one day soon the people will rise up and burn your world to the fuckin ground! Burn the banks. Burn the places they work if they have to, if that’s what it takes to destroy this illusion. I hope it all burns! The schools, the churches, the political buildings, government buildings, police stations, RCMP buildings, and whatever else it fuckin takes in order tear this shit down.

Some foolish activists think they can overcome this system with peace and love. No you idiots! Peace is the goal, not the solution. The freakin capitalists are laughing at your lame peaceful attempts that don’t do shit. If we want something new. Then we need to destroy what’s already there, in order to create and become what we are truly capable of. But people don’t get that. Yeah, we will need to embrace some chaotic, dark times, in order to get to the light we envision. Yeah, people will have to mentally let go of all the rules and barriers, let the world become their playground and destroy this prison. Set themselves free. But like I said, not everyone can see that.

Heck, I got into a dispute yesterday with some activists on FB for sticking up for a favorite fictional character of mine, Harley Quinn. Minus the abuse between her and the Joker, I love how they just run a muck in the city. They are not controlled by a system, they have no strings holding them back. Not to mention, I believe the Joker burning a huge stack of money sent a powerful message to activists. That imagery was a massive eye opener. Why do you think the Joker is so popular?

Anyways, apparently because I said “don’t diss Harley Quinn” ( on her post bitching about 50 Shades of Grey) , this blond, blue eyed wannabe Aniishaanabe (that itself is a fuckin joke, and kind of insulting. Why isn’t INM making a stink about that? I mean, if costumes are offensive, why isn’t this wannabe offensive?) activist accused me of criticizing her. But then again, anyone with a different opinion that is not her own, she labels as “You people” “One of them”, If you don’t agree with her, you’re an enemy kind of bullshit. So I said that with that kind of attitude, her little FB revolution won’t get anywhere. I mean, if she’s gonna label, categorize, and draw imaginary lines between people, you might as well be a fuckin Capitalist. Just saying. So no. I don’t believe in her when she tries to portray herself as some kind of leader, or prophet that will lead the people to “freedom”. I mean, she can’t even communicate effectively. How do you expect to lead people if you can’t communicate? Instead, she tried to wait until I was gone. She waited a good 10 minutes, and when she thought the coast was clear, she tried to speak about me behind my back to her audience making herself look victimized. Trying to say I was criticizing HER, when really, I said don’t diss Harley Quinn. Which I don’t believe that is at all criticizing to her. Dumb ass. Then she lets someone else fight her battle for her. Yeah, total Harper move there. So yeah, I don’t know who the fuck she’s kidding, but it ain’t me. What a crock of shit. Can you say delusional?! I mean, she has it in her head that shes Daenerys of Game of Thrones. Haha! You wish. Not even close. I don’t think Daenerys whines and bitches as much as she does. Let alone plays victim whenever someone has an opposing opinion. Revolution my ass. Leader my ass. Clearly her ego took over, and yeah she’s no better than what we fight against. So yeah, fail! That’s the way I see it, drawing those imaginary lines separating people, turning on her own. Yeah bravo! You turned into your own enemy.

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster.” – Friedrich Nietzsche.

Anyways, I decided to delete and block her  toxic ass from my FB. Suddenly my timeline is a lot more peaceful without her negativity. She was just a troll anyways that thinks I won’t notice that she gets some material from here to turn into a status to criticize. I mean that’s how our whole dispute started, I asked her if there is anything she doesn’t criticize with my defense for Harley Quinn. Ahem, those that don’t know,  huge jester fan here. And of coarse she listed stuff off, Blah, blah, blah, all that is good…making herself out to be some kind of saint. Yeah. Bullshit. I don’t believe anyone is a fuckin saint, nice try though.

So yeah, more dampers on my faith in humanity and the revolution. Unless people grow some balls and burn shit down, enjoy your never ending slavery.

Apparently the beginning of the years bumpy road has not ended yet. So excuse me if I just feel like saying FUCK YOU ALL – Pooks

“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”

– Terrence McKenna

The Grand Finale

Time to start thinking about what to write, this is my last blog post of 2014. I know, I promised a gratitude list, as well as a new years resolution…I’ll get to it.

I don’t really have much to write about if I write about this past week. I mean, I didn’t see my children for the holidays as I had thought I would. I thought I would see them on the 27th, and they would be over for the weekend. But yeah…holiday hours. Merrymount was closed. The exchange didn’t happen. So yeah, it was a very quiet Christmas. But I guess all that quiet time gave me an opportunity to be creative, in numerous ways. Not to mention, plenty of rest. I will see my children January 3ird though, and it will be awesome.

Now it’s time to show you what I have been doing. I’ll start off with a poem I wrote. Go to the link provided here if you’re interested in reading it. http://pooks82.weebly.com/pooks-poetry/see-with-your-eyes-closed

I also updated part of that website, the Photos of the Artist section, and added a Flashback Gallery. Which kinda gives you a glimpse into my past. You may notice a lot of the other faces have been edited and blurred out. But it’s symbolic in a way, bringing forth the neglected child into the spotlight. The only other person that is not blurred out would be my birth mother, Elizabeth King. My roots from which I came from. http://pooks82.weebly.com/photos-of-the-artist/flashback-gallery

I also did this painting that I called “Round Dance.” I attempted to do this abstract piece, that was experimenting with colour theory, mixing colours. The only colours I had to use were yellow and navy blue. Any variation in colour would have to be mixed between the two. So I was getting different shades of blue, and green. A lime colour, army green, even a greyish colour. It was very tedious trying to paint with the crappy brush I was using. My lines were getting sloppy, and for a perfectionist, that drives me insane! So I took it in a different direction, and added white paint. Painting with a bottle cap. I also added india ink, and let it drip freely as I flipped it around to get the ink moving. I recall using an old business card to swipe and swoosh with. You can kinda see my frustration in the piece. Haha! It turned out pretty cool though. Even though most of my green colours have been covered up by the layers. Some of the white paint mixed in with the india ink as it was drying. So watching the transformation was quite fascinating.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

” Round Dance.” All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

What else? Oh yeah. I take a lot of “selfies”, and have fun with photo editors. In this case, I played with this thought of meeting myself. The dark side of myself meets the light side of myself. Kinda like a Yin Yang image, but through a self-portrait. That was fun. Dress up one way, make up, hair, clothes, and what not for one shot. Then change again, different clothes, different make up for another shot, just to represent two sides of myself. I kinda wanted to capture that androgynous appeal I have as well. Then the magic begins. The photo editing and combining two separate images into one. The whole process must have taken me hours. But I did it. Voila! The masterpiece!

"So we meet again old Friend." All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

“So we meet again old Friend.” All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

So yeah, that kinda displays some of what I have been up to. On to a gratitude list. I’ll start off with I’m grateful for all this spare time I had to create whatever my lil heart desires.

Now for a 2014 review…

I am grateful for…

…. my children and their love.

.. Well I think it’s obvious, is for those friendships that have come and gone. It’s been an awakening, and made me more grateful for those that do stick with me throughout my journey despite whatever I think or say. Offensive or not. I’m also grateful that they don’t try to take advantage of my time, or hold me responsible for someone I am not even responsible for.

… soup, and potatoes. some of muh fave foods.

… Merrymount. At the beginning of the year my visits changed from 2 hours to 7 hours. Then they changed to weekends. Every third Friday is a 4 hour visit and exchanges are elsewhere. My ex and I did try to do exchanges on our own for a while, that didn’t work out because of trust and communication issues. So thank Merrymount for taking us back on, and keeping everyone safe.

… the time and experience I had volunteering at The Arts Project, and the Ark Aid Street Mission. The Arts Project surrounds me with the art community, and environment, I love it. As for The Ark, oh wow. Have I ever grown and changed a lot since I first attended that place. My perspectives have changed, especially towards those experiencing poverty and homelessness. I find myself defending the homeless to this day against judgement and labels. They too are people.

… running into people I have volunteered with, and they recognize me, and stop to say hi. That’s cool.

… my neighbors and the numerous times they’ve helped me out. Either shoveling my path, or helping me out with sugar or smokes. Even mowing my front lawn a couple times.

… all the art shows I got to be a part of. Most of those experiences wouldn’t be if it weren’t for Jeremy Jeresky. He’s like a manager that way to the New School of colour artists.  I guess he practically had to beg to get my painting into Up with Art 2014. Glad he did though, and it got in, because my art actually sold this year and it helped raise money for The Unity Project! Yaaaay!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

…for all the people who have bought my art throughout the year. Including my “Brainwasher” oil painting. A painting that took me forever to complete.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

… silly moments where I can laugh at myself.

… that I am true and as honest I am. That I am as expressive as I am, even if some people get disturbed by it. I keep it real.

… Food Not Bombs. I enjoyed their vegan meals a few times this year. Including Christmas Eve, and before the Santa Clause Parade

… being adventurous and spontaneous. Halloween, what a freakin night! Haha! Having a blast with complete strangers.

… Completing the Intro to Sociology Summer Intermission coarse at UWO. Even with the anxiety. Kudo’s! Bravo! Bravo! At least I got away with one credit before I got the boot due to “mental health.” Nyeh nyeh! 😛

… writing a book! Which I had always dreamed of doing. A collection of my art, artist statements, poetry, blog posts, etc…all rolled into one. I might do a continuation on that.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

… water balloon fights with my children, and the other messy things we do. Get into food colouring…paint… walks through mud…Haha! They really bring out my inner-child. They bring out the best in me.

… all the summer festivals in London. Seriously, part of the reason why I love summer so much is because of the festivals and activities.

… the rain, and the numerous times I got rained on like a lil’ flower. Haha!

…the continuous learning. Even though I am no longer in school, I educate myself. And as I said before, there are places forming here in London, Free Schools, for the anti- capitalists, activists, anarchists, peace keepers, etc.

…being strong enough to dust myself off after that recent online Idle No More incident. I was feeling rather depressed, and losing faith in humanity. But like a long distant friend had said to me; “The world needs you.” Thank her for that. I’m not sure what for, but I do have a purpose here. My life is my message.

…My Leads worker. The workers I’ve had at Leads have all been amazing.

… my OW worker. Even though we got off to a rough start, I think we have gotten to a point where there’s respect. I think we understand better where we’re both coming from.

… my inspirations. H.R Giger, Salvador Dali, and a huge inspiration this year; Marilyn Manson

…being in touch with my biological family on FB. Apparently they are just as silly as me. It must run in the fam. Haha!

… the conservation areas in London. Sometimes it’s a nice getaway from the concrete jungle.

… for the days I do wake up early, and for those nights I do stay up late. It varies. I’m grateful for both.

… my numerous skills and talents. I’m not entirely sure how to incorporate them into society. But when it comes to creating for my own personal fun, I can do some amazing shit.

I’ll leave it as that for now when it comes to my gratitude list for 2014. I could keep going, but this blog post would clearly just go on and on. By doing that, I can see I had a pretty good year. Even if it did have some rough patches. I will make my 2015 awesome, wherever it takes me.

I don’t really have plans for New Years. I was supposed to be sitting here typing, but nope. I woke up early today and got an early start on this. I might go to a documentary film screening today around 5pm. That would give me something to do. But as for New Year celebrations…I don’t normally do anything.

My New Years Resolution…should be a goal that won’t lead to disappointment. Hm…To continue to become more Pooks, and what I think she is. Create more, write more, paint more, fight more for my beliefs and values, learn and grow more. That I believe I can do. So on that note, kiss 2014 good bye, and bring on 2015! I’m ready. – Pooks

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Saved this photo for the very end. The grand finale! Haha! All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

“With rebellion, awareness is born.” – Albert Camus

The Confusing Species

Happy Christmas Eve, or Happy Holidays..Happy whatever. Happy Another Consumer Holiday.

I find it funny how my blog day lands on Christmas Eve, and next week it lands on New Years Eve. So I guess you know what I’ll be doing for New Years…blogging. Haha! Life is so exciting.

During this very long ongoing period of time, which we call the holidays. Instead of running to the malls, I found myself doing the opposite. I was at home, cleaning. I figure, it’s about time I get rid of some shit. Less shit, less stress. And maybe the whole chore of cleaning won’t be so damn overwhelming due to having too much junk. Some of the junk I have been holding onto are representational of the past. A past I don’t want to remember. So why am I holding onto it? Time to throw it out. Unfortunately I am not donating. Many businesses are closed for the holidays, so yeah, off to the curb it goes.

I hope this cleaning will give 2015 a fresh, less cluttered, piece of mind for myself. The more spacious the environment, the less anxious the mind. That’s what I’m hoping to accomplish anyways. It’s a bit symbolic in a way. Out with the old, and on with the new beginnings.

I mean, I still have sticker charts from when I was in elementary school. Nuh uh. I don’t need to hold on to that. Time for keepsakes and whatnot from the next generation, my children.

My home is slowly turning into my daughters art gallery. I got her pictures she draws for me everywhere. That’s more like it. All her art on display. Yup. I’m a proud mama.

Other than that, during my breaks between rummaging what is now trash, and what isn’t, I’ve been watching documentaries about the human brain. Perhaps I’m just trying to understand my own brain, and how it works. Even though the human brain still remains a mystery, I find these documentaries interesting touching up on points such as how one of our biggest challenges is co-existing and communication with each-other in society. So I did some reading, and I read an e-book called Presenting an Effective Message which goes over a lot regarding communication, both written and face to face. I found that very informative considering I’m not exactly a master at face to face communication, even though a test result stated that I have the communication skills of a director/controller. Anyways, it gave me thought on some details I never really noticed before, such as the direction a person may be looking can give you an idea of what kind of communicator/learner they are, whether they prefer visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic.  Even certain words and phrases can give off hints on the form of communication to approach them with. So yeah, more stuff to observe and investigate myself. That’s exciting! 😀 Personal research and experimentation while I interact with the world out there. I am my own lab rat/ gerbil, throwing myself into a field of research and discovery.

Other than that, watching documentaries, cleaning, and reading, I attended a Food Not Bombs Vegan Christmas Eve Community Meal that was held at the East Village Arts Collective. It was a very good healthy meal. I didn’t really say boo, I just sat down and listened to what the others had to say, and I must admit it was really freakin interesting. Bouncing from topics about oil spills, Fukushima, Capitalism, radiation spills, radiation plants along the coast line ( yeah that is pretty dumb idea for whomever thought that up), Kevin O’Leary and his big dumbass mouth. Perhaps I’ll just share a clip of that if I can….

How ignorant and rude is that?!! But yeah, that was one of the  many things discussed.  Disgust. Yeah…Capitalism is disgusting, it kills.

Anyways, I am glad that there are places in London that people can gather and discuss shit over like this.

Food Not Bombs Vegan Christmas Community Meal at East Village Arts Collective - London, ON

Food Not Bombs Vegan Christmas Community Meal at East Village Arts Collective – London, ON

I guess there’s is also a Love and Rage Study Group that is held at the East Village Coffee House ( the home of my favorite coffee!) I’ve yet to attend. Sounds like they go over topics that would interest me. I think I’ll go to the next one, which won’t be til January 15th at 6pm. An open study group session looking at radical material  with a focus on feminist, anti-racist, and class struggle ideas.  That’s pretty cool. The formal educational system kinda pressures you towards Capitalism. So the fact that there are free schools forming to educate individuals that are like myself, anti-capitalist, that’s pretty awesome. Go E.O.A!! \m/ You make me so proud! 🙂

No gratitude list this time, sorry. Maybe I’ll have a gratitude list next time, along with a New Years Resolution, or whatever. We’ll see. Been kinda busy preparing for the weekend, for my childrens visit. As well as personal research regarding the brain, and communication. I don’t know. Just got curious out of the blue and thought I’d start looking into trying to understand myself, and others based on interactions and behaviors. We are a confusing species, that I cannot wrap my head around. I do not understand you. I do not understand me sometimes. Haha! But yeah, diving into that rabbit hole, it should be interesting. Maybe I’ll never understand. But I’m sure I’ll learn some interesting shit, as I’ve already begun to.

1 more minute and it’s midnight….any moment now….just a few more seconds to go….there we go! Merry Freakin Christmas! X-Mas! Happy Holidays, or whatever you celebrate.

I know not all people are happy and merry this time of year, but just remember, you will get through it. Everything is temporary.

Trust me, to me it feels like this week just keeps dragging on and on. Hence, I try to keep myself preoccupied. With that being said…my load of laundry should be complete, and another load can go in. Back to the chores. Thank you for reading! Much love! – Pooks

“Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is.”- Isaac Asimov

Traveling Star

Looks like my appeal got rejected in regards of returning to UWO. I guess I’m just too fuckin mental and not perfect enough.

Oh I didn’t deal with my anxiety and depression sooner. It’s not like I haven’t been trying JACK-ASS!! And a severe sprain isn’t a reasonable enough answer to not do well academically. I’d like to see you try to hobble on crutches in the winter, with weak ass fuckin arms that aren’t used to lifting your own weight.

And here I thought learning from your mistakes was the best way to learn, apparently that isn’t so in this fucked up system.

What I found amusing is how the Dean thinks that my health issues, that I could have been dealing with for as long as I could remember, will miraculously get better. For all I know, I could be dealing with anxiety for the rest of my life, realistically.

There are thoughts stirring in my head at the moment. The usual, “Why fuckin bother?” Followed by… ” I don’t fit in this stupid fuckin system anyway.” “See what happens when you try to be something you’re not.” “That world will never accept you.”

I was supposed to go see my psychologist today, but yeah, fuck it. A psychologists job is just another way to conform people into societies norms, and if you haven’t noticed, you’re values and norms are fucked.

You say people need to be empathetic. Yet the system is so hypocritical. If you were so empathetic, my sociology teacher wouldn’t have been shunning the east. Teaching the students that the East is bad. It’s no wonder OEV struggles trying to overcome the slanderous labels spoken and spread by prissy little bitches. Hate & fear is being taught. Even in employment centres, such as Goodwill Career Centre, when you do the orientation, that one guy makes fun of the coffee house, poking fun at the people that aren’t wealthy. People struggling with addiction, and the homeless. This is the attitude that is acceptable? Clearly that is what you are teaching and I have witnessed it myself!!I’m sorry, I don’t want my head to be that far up my own ass, that I forget what it means to be empathetic.

Even my own children are being taught to look down on others in society within their school. It’s disturbing. I don’t like the perspective that is being taught to my son regarding the homeless. He disrespectfully calls them hobo’s, and thinks they are an utter disgrace. Not cool. Don’t fuckin teach that shit to my son! Freakin giving me more work to counteract your evil  with compassion & empathy. Oh and another thing, if the father doesn’t want pictures being taken of our children at their school, than freakin respect his wishes. GEEZ!!!

Anyway, All you teach are illusions. Your so called barriers of culture, religion, social & financial status, Ethnicity, and race, even your so called borders. It’s all fake, made up bullshit. Sure, your skin may look different than mine. But without light bouncing off everything, which gives everything it’s colour, what are we? I could be something you made up in your mind. A wave of thought, of light and sound. Erase the image of your physical form, and think of yourself as a traveling star, a ball of light,  that is probably all you are. And if so, than we are massive light as one, but broken into little shards each. There is no barrier to separate ourselves from each-other if you are nothing but light.

But of coarse, that thought will be seen as crazy, because of religion. Thoughts and belief that you have been conditioned to believe. Majority, probably without a choice. I consider myself lucky, because I was given that choice. So I did have the freedom to think, which, if you haven’t noticed, isn’t allowed within your made up divisions. Why aren’t you allowed to think for yourself, or question anything? Why aren’t you allowed to doubt? Maybe because by doing so, it might just change things, and your precious elite would not like that. They are abusing you, and are comfortable in control over you.

Speaking of abuse, remember how I wanted to break the cycle? Well, it’s kind of hard to do if violence is so acceptable globally. I mean, this isn’t a personal problem anymore, it’s a global issue.  Just saying. In order to break that cycle, the world will seriously have to look at themselves, and the way they resolve their issues. I’m sorry, but bloodshed has never resolved anything. Matter of fact, it’s induced by cowardice fear, as a last resort because who the fuck ever feels they are losing control. Maybe you are not meant to control or be controlled. I mean, if that’s the way it’s supposed to be regarding personal relationships, than that’s how it should be for all of humanity. Just a thought.

Sometimes I think the world needs to shut it self down to get the point across. People need to stop driving, stop working, stop producing for your corporations, and just stop. Like a fellow activist suggests, a global strike. Then maybe the Capitalists will get the message that they have gone too far. Especially when you think about issues like Palestine and Gaza. Maybe if their precious money gets put on hold, workers refuse to work, maybe they will get the message that us people are freakin serious. It’s not like we can’t support and feed each-other for the time being as communities. But why won’t people ever do this shit? One answer, fear. You’ve been abused so much, that you are afraid to “do the wrong thing”.  You are all walking on eggshells.

Anyway, I totally got side tracked there. It is disappointing that I may have to wait until 2015 to retake visual arts. But it’s not like I cannot teach myself, and improve my art skills on my own.

Which reminds me of another thing, regarding sociology. Supposedly, artists are “unrealistic”. I think I see more clear than most. Matter of fact, it gets frustrating how blind people are to their own illusions. But whatever, people are going to think what they think, and this is just one perspective. Hopefully, an infectious one. – Pooks

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”- Elisabeth Kubler- Ross