The End

Hi again.
So now that we supposedly patch things up over the weekend. My supposed man is now creating various social media accounts. Kinda creepy. Considering he’s not all that interested in social media. But I guess he wants to find my last blog post as a reason to get upset again. Even though we’re supposedly on good terms, let’s go find something regarding our past to dwell on and get pissy all over again! So yeah, we’re not 100% okay. Things are still a bit rocky.
Not to mention these sudden new accounts come across as being controlling and possesive. Ya know? Stalk me online to make sure I stay in line or something.
I’m allowed to think. I’m allowed to feel what I feel. And I am allowed to fuckin express it!
So all these new accounts online kinda shows that I am not trusted. Without trust we have nothing. But he says he’s just curious to what I am saying.He probably won’t like what he sees. But hey! As I told others, if you don’t like what you’re reading, and you know it’s about you, then be a positive in my life. Not a negative.
Yes I may use my exes past behavior as a prime example of everything I don’t want. And maybe having alcohol and a baby in the house is triggering some shit. A part of me is terrified things will just repeat itself and I will lose another child to another white man. Even though I AM the sober and drug-free one.
Ya know? Before our daughter was born, I thought I would be okay with this supposed “casual” or “social” drinking thing. But clearly I’m not. It throws me in for a loop of fear, and paranoia.
However, over the weekend, my supposed man didn’t drink, and he spent time with his daughter. After I dumped him of coarse. Then he’ll straighten up. But I guess supposedly, I need to speak up, and not be afraid to ask for help. I shouldn’t have to ask. And what if its not help I need. I just wanted him to spend time with his daughter. He should be willing to take time out of his day for his daughter regardless. His time is more valuable than anything he has to offer, or that his money can buy. She, or anyone for that matter, values moments. Moments create memories. Memories can be cherished and are more meaningful than any material thing.
Perhaps years of being on and off OW taught me that. Poverty taught me that.  The Ark and the people I met there taught me that, including the homeless.
So yeah. Thank him for spending time with his daughter this weekend. That was all I wanted. If he has been before, and I just didn’t notice. Sorry. I’m just expressing my perspective, and from what I saw, it was like we were avoided.
As for the constant cleaning, we came to the conclusion that it is his OCD.So yeah, if I don’t speak up, he will just continue to constantly clean because it is never ending. I mean, the sink will just refill with dishes, laundry will just re-pile. Makes sense. Since before our daughter was even born, the only way I could get his attention away from housework, was sex. And look what happened. We now have a daughter, and it’s not like our daughter can do the same to distract him for time. So yeah, the chores can wait sometimes. Or as he displayed this weekend, he can do chores and spend time with our daughter at the same time. Ya know? It is possible. He had put her swing in the kitchen, and as he did chores, she sat on her swing and watched him. Maybe one day, she’ll woddle over and try to help. Lol
Anyways, apparently a rehabilitation Centre from Toronto called him at work today…They talked and say he doesn’t have a drinking problem…That’s reassurring. However when we were arguing about it, he’ll sure defend that shit. And when I told him that I wanted alcohol out for good, what did he do? He stormed out of the room. That really upset him.
But he did come back and say that he wouldn’t be able to afford alcohol anyways if we move to this new place together. It would be like a fresh start. So I am giving him another chance.
However, if we end up arguing about alcohol there. That’s it. I’ll put a stop to it quick and leave with our daughter. She doesn’t need to be in the middle of that. Nor do my other 2 children. So yeah, he’s been warned.
As for his older sister. She just made it awkward for herself the next time we come face to face, because now I know how she really feels about me and my man and I’s daughter. Saying she’s not his. Or “doesn’t even look like him”. So she thinks I’m a slut or something eh?! HA! Let’s see if she can say it to my face next time. If you ask me, she’s the stupid one to think my man wouldn’t tell me. Smh.
Anyways, with this new place we plan on moving into together…yes the budget will be tight. My man ( or supposed man. Whatever. Things are still a bit rocky) says he won’t be able to afford to drink, and to make ends meet he may have to take extra jobs. So yeah. I want to help keep things afloat. But like I said many times, London doesn’t hire natives. So I got to think of another way of making income, besides my art. Which sells the odd time. It’s not stable income. I was thinking of being a surveyer. Actually I made an attempt, but that wasn’t working. As I was trying to fill out a survey, my daughter would swat at my cell phone and close the survey. So perhaps being a surveyer with a squirmy baby with energy isn’t the thing for me.
My man suggested a home business. Refurbishing hardwood furniture, and even painting art on them. Maybe, but even that will take time to get the ball rolling.
So I was thinking, another way would be to get paid to write. Either I can get paid to continue to blog. This could be the last one here, and I could start a new domain, a continuation, where subscribers pay, or donate. Not sure how things work business wise on WordPress… but I’ll look into it.
Or… The continuation will come in the form of a book that maybe I could sell on Amazon. I published a book before, on Lulu, and yeah. I don’t make anything off it.
Either way, this may be the last blog post here.
I enjoy writing, so yeah. It’s worth a shot.
And maybe, just like my son, change scares me. I have lived in this house for 5 years, and now I have no choice but to leave. I got comfortable and cozy here, but it is unsafe, and it’s a health hazzard. So yeah. It’s another one of those times where I leap into the unknown. But if I hadn’t leaped before, I wouldn’t have come across the New School of Colour, and that place provided me with a wonderful healing experience. So yeah, good things could be coming if I take another leap.
Soon it will be; Good bye EOA!, and hello to a new beginning. -Pooks

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Beach ball

Hello again.

After talking to my OW worker on the phone, she was asking why I haven’t been showing up to Leads lately. I’m pretty sure I already explained that in my previous blog. So yeah, I filled her in. She suggested that I e-mail the Leads worker to give her feedback regarding how our last appointment went. That way the same doesn’t happen with future, or other clients. Ya know? Keep it professional. So I did that. My OW made it a point to not express any hostility, but to explain my perspective of what took place. Hopefully, I accomplished that. The following is what I sent, hopefully I don’t sound too much like a bitch.

Hello ****,
my OW worker has requested that I contact you, & follow up with you even though it is no longer necessary for me to go ahead with Leads. I will be job searching independently for the remainder of time of my pregnancy.
However, she did say that giving you feedback regarding our last appointment could be beneficial to you and future clients.
In your last email you apologized for your poor communication. I can forgive you for that. But I must let you know how I felt, and why I walked out.
First off, I felt like your questions had nothing to do with employment, and found them rather personal. Questions regarding my relationship, my pregnancy, my family, and if CAS is involved. None of those topics have anything to do with why I come to Leads in the first place.  I feel like you forgot your own occupation. You are not a psychologist, councilor, or an interrogation officer. The way you asked those questions, it was like a lightning round of questions. You were not really giving me time to think about my answers, you were cutting me off. As a deep thinker i prefer time to think before I speak. So that came off as rude and disrespectful, and it triggered my anxiety. It came off as aggressive behavior so I walked out of my appointment.
To avoid the same situation with other clients, I suggest focusing on skills and employment.
Thank you for taking the time to read my perspective. I hope my feedback will come in handy for the sake of others.

Sincerely,

Pauline King Shannon

Anyways, my OW worker gave me the option to either continue with Leads, and try to work things out with this worker, or for the last 2 months of my pregnancy, job search independently. However, she did say that trying to work it out with the Leads worker would give me some experience when dealing with difficult people or situations in the work field. That was before she thought about it, and gave me the option to job search independently. I got 2 more months to go. I mean, mobility is becoming more and more of a challenge. My tummy is growing into a beach ball. So yeah, job searching from home for 2 months would be a hell of a lot easier.

Umm… yesterday I was feeling kinda down. But thanks to my babe for listening and trying to understand. Even though I know he can’t possibly fathom what I was feeling. Yes, being pregnant is wonderful. But at the same time… Ughhh… I miss being as active I used to be. Also, pregnancy can come with some unpleasant side effects. For example: a bladder infection, hemorrhoids, swollen feet, ankles and fingers, indigestion, itchy breasts, etc, etc. So no, I’m not feeling so fabulous lately. And running to the washroom every 2 hours at night, ugh..no fun. I’m losing sleep. So there is a part of me that is getting impatient, and kinda feel tired of being pregnant. Like, just pop already! Lol Then there’s another part of me that doesn’t want to pop just yet, we aren’t ready. We still need a crib mattress, and other things for when I go into the hospital.

For a while there, I felt like I was being ignored, because my partner would be playing a videogame on the XBox One for hours. But he proved me otherwise. He turned off his game just to talk to me. So there goes that assumption that the game was a higher priority. Yup, scratch that. My babe is amazing. Probably just my freakin hormones going crazy. Thinking the worst.

Anyways, feeling much better today. Not as gloomy. I only got 2 more months to go, so yeah. I can do this!!

What else? … Sounds like my babe will be switching jobs soon. He works for his Dad, as a framer, and it sounds like his dad is done with framing and is gonna move onto other things. Luckily for my babe, he has a number of jobs to fall back on. I mean, he was offered 3 jobs that are there and waiting. So yeah, that’s pretty awesome.

Speaking of my babe, his portrait that I painted is off to New York for the Twitter Art Exhibit. Hopefully it arrives to it’s destination safely. This year all original post card art will be benefiting Foster Prides “Homemade program”. A program in which young women in foster care learn to create and market a unique line of goods.

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It’ll be my third time participating in the Twitter Art Exhibit. Ya know? It kinda gives my art a purpose when I am able to help out non- profit organizations by donating my art. I tend to do that a lot. Lol Even locally. But I don’t know, I get a sense of a greater accomplishment that way. It’s like David Sandum ( the curator of the Twitter Art Exhibit) says; Art can make a difference.

Speaking of art, my mans mother and her boyfriend surprised me yesterday. They called and were requesting for a commission piece. Even though I hardly ever do commission pieces, but we’ll see how that goes. I’ve done commission work once, I think I can do it again. But normally, I like to paint and create whatever I want.

However, my focus at the moment is creating something for the next Up with Art event. A fundraising event that benefits the homeless through the Unity Project. The thing is, now that I have completed and shipped off my art to the Twitter Art Exhibit, my mind is at a blank or stand still when it comes to my next project. Can’t force inspiration, or creativity, it just happens. So hopefully, I can come up with something before the Spring.

Onto other things…. my man said that once we are done saving up for our baby and getting everything he/she needs. We can start saving up to see my family up north. That’s awesome! I got a feeling that my man will love it up in Trout Lake. My Aunt is already planning to take him to all her best fishing spots. Lol So yeah, that’s exciting. If not this year, maybe next year. Yaaaaay!

My cousin said it would be awesome if I could bring all 3 of my children. My son, daughter, and the baby. Yeah that would be awesome, but I think my son and daughter are too urbanized. I think they would complain the whole time being  out in the bush. Heck, it’s challenging enough just to get them to go to the conservation areas within the city with me. And I’m not sure my ex would allow that, since such a thing wasn’t allowed in the past. Things may have changed since then, and who knows, maybe he’d appreciate the break. But yeah, we’ll see when the time comes.

Speaking of my son and daughter, my son didn’t come to the last weekend visit. That was a bit disappointing, but it is his choice. This attitude he has towards my man is getting beyond annoying. My man is a good man. He’s not abusive. He works his ass off to make sure me and the kids are well off. And yeah, I’d hate to say it, but my son is being an ungrateful little shit. But I guess that kind of behavior is to be expected when adults, such as teachers and parents, let children walk all over them or just let the kid have their freakin way. And since my man won’t tolerate any disrespect or ungratefulness, he tries to discipline or teach that there are consequences to ones actions…No, my son won’t have it. How dare anybody try to teach him anything or discipline him in anyway. So yeah, perhaps all this, whatever my ex is teaching our son, is back-firing on us all, because our son has no respect for any authority figure. Parents included. Maybe it would be better off teaching him that kinda stuff, anti-capitalism stuff, when he’s older and not so literal. He’s 10 years old for crying out loud! Better yet, start teaching him to survive on his own. Teach him to cook, clean, garden, etc, etc. That way he’s not completely screwed over when it comes time to go out into the world on his own. That’s 8 years away, look how quick 10 years flew by. Geez!!

sayno

Source: Pinterest

Yeah, things with my son are a bit frustrating lately, and my ex wants us to coddle him basically. But the way I see it, we’re the adults, he’s the child. It’s not the other way around. There needs to be discipline, and routine, and structure with a child, otherwise…yeah.  You get my point. Ughhhh!!!  Stressed out mama.

Thankfully, were not going through this bullshit with our daughter. Ya know? She’s doing amazingly well in school, and actually wants to go. So good for her. If she keeps that positive attitude, she can get pretty far.

So yeah, that is an ongoing issue regarding our son and us 3 adults. I’m at a loss when it comes to doing something about it. I mean, my time is limited with my son, and if he chooses to not visit, then he doesn’t visit. So majority of my sons fate is left up to my ex, and it doesn’t look very promising. That’s just my perspective. I’m his mother, I’m supposed to worry about his well-being.

Anyways, that’s enough of that. It’s stressful enough just thinking about it.

So yeah, that’s some of the things going on in my life.

Other than that, I got my appointment booked at the Birthing Centre. Get to go over my birth plan, so on and so forth. 2 more months to go, and my mans and I’s pudgy little baby will be here! 😀

As always, thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”

– Jane Wagner

 

Hit Another Stage

Well I guess this is my first blog post of 2016. Yaaaay!

Anyways, I know I’m not as consistent when it comes to posts. But life has been getting busier. I’ve gone from weekly, to every two weeks.  Basically, I’m just posting when I find the time.

Also, because of my pregnancy, I seemed to have hit another stage of fatigue. So yeah, when I’m not overly tired either, I can blog.

A bit has happened since the last time I blogged, so I am not sure where to begin.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but my baby is no longer under weight, and is the size and weight it should be around this time. So yaaaay! I knew my baby would grow their pudge at their own pace.

The doctor that is following my pregnancy said she might not be there for when I go into labour, but has a couple back up doctors that she trusts that can take her place. Depending on when I go into labour. So yeah, Just as long as there’s a doctor to coach me through the contractions, I’m good!

Last week at Leads Employment Services…wow. I swear that was my first time ever walking out of an appointment. Nope, i wasn’t a happy camper that day.  I mean yes, I was late. But I clearly cannot waddle my ass to the bus stop as fast I’d assume. Especially on ice. So yeah, missing the bus that I intend to catch shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, I planned on going to Shoppers Drug Mart first to drop off a prescription, and I did. My stop there took longer than expected, because the date on my prescription wasn’t the correct date. So yeah, I had to talk to the clerks there for a bit to sort things out with my clinic.

Anyways, I get to my Leads appointment, things seemed fine, until my Leads worker starts nagging me about punctuality and organization. I was fine, until she started acting like an interrogation officer with her lightning questions after questions. To me that comes off as aggressive, and with me having anxiety being around any kind of aggression, my reaction will either be fight or flight. And obviously, I chose to leave.

Not to mention I didn’t appreciate the personal questions she was asking. Such as, is C.A.S involved? That’s not your job. She’s not a psychiatrist, or a councilor. My personal life really isn’t any of her business. Her job is strictly to help find me employment, or to help me work on skills that can assist on getting me a job. And that day it was like she forgot that. Not to mention, if she were to be realistic about my current situation, I’m 6-7 months pregnant. I’m not going to be finding work anytime soon, nor after when the baby is born. I’ll be a stay at home mom at least until my child either gets into daycare, or starts school. So these Leads appointments are kinda pointless at the moment. I mean, I’m obviously going to put my health as a top priority, above Leads. If I’m late because I put my health first, tough shit. I had a bladder infection, and my doctor said if I don’t get antibiotics to treat it, I could have risked going into a preterm labour. So yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that worker. I stormed out of the office, and shortly after I left, I left a message for Leads stating that I didn’t want this woman as worker anymore.

So yeah, I normally have positive things to say regarding Leads, but not this time. That was my first time I ever walked out. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and I really don’t want to go back if I have to work with that specific worker.

Plus, I am really getting annoyed with this society. They see a native pregnant woman , and it’s like they automatically think that C.A.S should be involved. Go fuck yourself. I know I’m a good mom. My kids know I’m a good mom. Their opinion is more valid than a complete strangers. That’s one of the downfalls about becoming a parent, suddenly everybody wants to judge you. When really, they should be more concerned with their own lives, rather than picking others apart. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. That’s the problem with C.A.S, they base parenting on a textbook. When in reality, parenting is not something you learn from a textbook, but from actual experience. It varies with every individual.

I mean currently, in my situation, my children are fortunate. Even though my son may not see it that way. He’s got more support than the average child. He’s still got both parents there for him, PLUS my partner that is willing to step up to the role of a step parent.

My daughter seems to be adjusting to the changes rather well. But my son is still kinda resistant towards my partner. He’s rude, ignorant, and ungrateful towards him. I just wish the two of them would just get along. But they keep butting heads. It gets kinda frustrating being stuck in the middle. I mean, my partner is only trying to help, and teach him also since my son is being home-schooled. But my son ignores him. Sigh…

Speaking of the homeschooling thing. It’s difficult when there are two methods of teaching that contradict each-other. My exes way of teaching sounds like it’s a lot more passive. However, he tells us not to let our son walk all over us and be the adult. But when it comes to his way of teaching, he’s kind of being a hypocrite, and being the rug that my son can walk all over. He says that was the schools issue,  they coddled him, and just let our son do whatever. Well… it sounds like he’s doing the same. I mean, if you let a child have that choice wither or not to learn, left to their own device, a child would rather not do any work. They’d rather play. Yes, a child learns from playing, but I can’t see a child learning much from video-games. However, when it comes to electronics it is impressive that my son can figure things out without knowing how to read.

Anyways, my ex wants to teach our son the conspiracy theory stuff. The kind of stuff you see on Infowars. My son hates that show, and hates Alex Jones.

As for my partner and I, we want to teach him stuff he’d learn in school. So that he doesn’t fall too much behind.  My partner got 2 textbooks. One is a grade 5 curriculum book which includes math, english, social studies and science. After seeing how far behind he is in English, my partner got him a grade one English text book. We’ll start from scratch and build him up from there.

My ex and my partner have their disagreements. I mean, I agree with both to a degree. I too dislike capitalism. But I see where my partner is coming from, my exes and I’s  son needs to learn the system, and how to survive in it also. I despise money, but in this day in age, you kind of need it if you want shelter, groceries, a decent living. As I said before, I don’t want to see him homeless, or turning to crime to survive.

In order to be able to make changes, you gotta know the rules of society before you can bend them. Also, you have to be able to invest in the changes you want to make.

Anyways, it’s pretty sad that my ex says he’s pretty much prepared to have our son live with him, even when our son is a grown adult. Already that is doubting his capabilities.

I know he’s a smart kid. He’s just stubborn. And when it comes to homeschooling, us adults cannot be the doormats. We gotta step up and be the adults. When it’s time to learn, it’s time to learn. We weren’t given a choice back when we were in school. It was mandatory for every child. so why should it be different for our son? Unless we want to hold him back even farther, which I certainly don’t. Of coarse I want to see my son succeed. To be better off than me or his father, living on welfare.

But maybe this whole home-schooling stuff would go a lot smoother if we also worked on my sons confidence. He does not believe in himself, he does not love himself.

I’ve also said it before, he needs some sort of counseling. I believe he’s still being affected from witnessing his father assault his mother when he was five. Hence why he turns to technology to shut the world out. He’s been doing that since he was 5. It started with movies, watching Garfield over and over (since that was playing during the time of the assault), then he turned to video-games. However, counseling would be entirely up to my ex, and my ex won’t do it. Probably because he thinks C.A.S will be called on him or something.

There’s another difference between the way my partner and I parent, and my ex. My ex prefers to isolate. While I believe the native saying that it takes a community to raise a child. My partner agrees.

So yeah, 2 conflicting ways of schooling, and 2 conflicting ways of parenting… it’s a challenge. But like I said, each parent has a different way of doing things.

Thankfully my daughter doesn’t have the same issue regarding school. She’s doing well in school. Matter of fact, after a weekend visit here, my partner was impressed when I told him that she wanted to go to school that morning. So she’s been listening to what my partner and I have been trying to say, and perhaps sees the value in it. Not to mention, she was pretty eager to show her friend the craft we made over the weekend. It was a Penguin Light Switch Cover. We made 3. One for her, one for me, and one for her friend. They turned out pretty cute.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Anyways, her and my partner seem to get along okay. She’s adjusting to the rules. She did pout one weekend about keeping her room clean, but has been getting better at it. The cleaning that is.

Onto other things…at the New School of Colour, I brought in something I’ve been working on for the Twitter Art Exhibit. It’s going to be a portrait of my partner. I shared my progress online and people liked it. However, when I brought it to the New School of Colour, it’s like it just got picked apart. This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. It kinda makes me uncomfortable to draw in front of the facilitator if I do not draw the way he does.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

I mean, he says “art is the artists journey”, but is it? Not if you have someone telling you what to do. And drawing on your work. It becomes their work. Their journey. So yeah, that is something he needs to stop doing. I understand he enjoys helping and inspiring others, but too much criticism deflates an artists confidence. If he truly believes in that analogy regarding the artists journey, than he needs to give artists more freedom, and understand that not all artists are the same, or are  not going to create the same image as he. Part of the journey, the learning, is the struggle. The artist doesn’t learn if your doing their work for them. Which is a downfall he had with another artist, because now she won’t work unless he’s there. She has become highly dependent on him.

Besides, every artist has a different perspective. If we all sat around a table and were asked to draw or paint an object, chances are, every image would be different, even though we were looking at the same object. Everyone has their own unique style, and perspective. Why try to conform everyones style and perspective into yours?

So yeah, the New School of Colour was Tuesday, and yesterday. I went Tuesday, but didn’t go Wednesday. I didn’t feel like getting more criticism. Plus, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately due to my pregnancy, I took a nap instead. Haha! With the extra weight, everything takes that much more of an effort.

Anyways, I need to get some blood work done at some point today. I was going to yesterday, but by the time I was all ready, I ran out of time. I need an extra hour while I’m at the lab. I gotta drink this glucose stuff, wait an hour, then let  the doctors stab my rubber suit and steal my blood. 😦 Lol It’s a diabetes test. I remember doing it before with my other pregnancies.

I also still need to book an appointment with the Birthing Centre. My plan is to have a natural birth, but to have the laughing gas there just in case. I refuse to do an epidural. During contractions, maybe have a bath or shower. We shall see.

Since my baby is no longer underweight, an ultrasound is no longer needed. So  the sex of my baby is still a mystery. It drives us a bit stir crazy, because we know that relatives want to know the sex of the baby, so that they can start buying clothing and what not. But nope. He/ she remains a mystery baby.

Which reminds me, we had to think of a different name if our baby is a boy. My partners father told my partner that Adelaide is a girls name, and that kinda made my partner insecure. So he asked if we could change it. Rather than having Adelaide as a first name, it will remain a middle name for either sex of the baby. If you recall, we were going to name a girl; Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg. And for a boy, Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg. Well…for the boy, that’s changed. And since my partner speaks of his grandfather so highly, We decided on a shortened version of his grandfathers name, instead of Martin, Marty. So if our baby is a boy, Marty Adelaide King Wuytenburg. Adelaide will remain in the name because of the meaning/ history behind it. It just won’t be used for a first name, because I guess that would be “too embarrassing.”

Ya know? My ex used to be all insecure about our sons name, Anakin. Just because his loser friends mocked and made fun of it. But look at it now. Anakin is one of the most popular names in the U.S. AND when people meet our son, they love his name. I knew it was a good name! 🙂

Anyways, there’s a lot that has happened. I mean, my doctors appointments are now every 2 weeks… We’re trying to get ready for the baby…getting things here and there. So on and so forth.  I think that’s enough for this blog post anyways, you don’t need all the details. Just whatever is on my mind. So yeah, until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.”

– Oscar Wilde

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©