Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Happy New Years to all my readers! Thank you for reading and following my blog through out the years. Hard to believe I’ve been doing this for 4 years now. But yeah, thanks for joining me on my journey through life.
This year has been amazing and full of surprises. I mean, I never thought I would be in a relationship, let alone expecting another baby. I thought it would be another year of the “untouchable Pooks.” But nope. I got swept off my feet, by this remarkable man that’s been waiting for me for years. And now he’s become a huge part of my life.
No, our pregnancy wasn’t planned. But we are both taking a chance. Besides, I think it’s helped us grow even closer. And our baby-to-be is more and more seen as a blessing. We both look forward to his or her arrival. 3 more months!!
I think it’s cute when my daughter kisses and hugs my tummy. Or when she says things like, after the baby is born, she wants to hold the baby and watch movies together. That’s so cute. ❤ She seems to be handling the news of a younger sibling better than her brother did back in the day. But then again, we didn’t really prepare or talk to him about it. So to him, his little sister came out of nowhere with no warning, and yeah. He was kinda resentful about it. Ugh! The joys of parenting. You live and learn. Unfortunately, for the first-born, things are rocky since their parents are new to the whole parenting thing. So they’re a crash-coarse. Lol.
Anyways, 2015 has been amazing. I am thankful to everyone whose been apart of it. Especially the friends and family, near and far, that have been there to share the laughter and the odd tears. But mostly laughter.
I’m grateful for my bestie for going for long crazy walks with me, those will be memories that will last a life-time. Thanks to her I got out of London for a day, and traveled to Kitchener, Waterloo, and Cambridge. Despite our lack of sleep, we still had a good time. Haha! Thank you caffeine!
I am grateful to still be a part of the New School of Colour. Thank you Marshall for taking the reigns and keeping the program going at the Ark Aid Street Mission.
I am thankful for the new friends I meet along the way.
I am thankful that my children and I are accepted into my boyfriends huge family.
Thank you to my ex for letting my children be in my life for another year. It’s been fun!
Thank you to my man of coarse. He’s taken me to such beautiful places during our hikes, and he’s made me feel like I actually matter. Thank him for picking me flowers, and for trying to surprise me at the Train station on a sprained ankle. Thank him for never giving up on me, and for actually wanting to be a father to our baby. Thank him for trying his best to be a positive part of my childrens lives. Even though there is some resistance there from my son. He doesn’t give up. Thank him for still loving me even when I get insecure, and feel like a fat lil pregnant hippo. Lol Thank him for his patience and hanging in there during my mood swings. Thank his beautiful mind, for always coming up with solutions when I panic and get emotional over obstacles in life. There is so much I can thank him for. He truly is amazing. ❤
Onto other things…This blog is turning into a blog of thank you’s, which there is nothing wrong with that. But I’m kinda avoiding what I really wanted to type about. But since I am on the topic of gratitude…
Christmas didn’t turn out as awesome as I thought it would be. However thank my man for busting his ass to try to make it awesome. I kinda feel bad that my son was so ungrateful and rude.
My ex just had to give him tablet for Christmas. Nothing else seemed to have mattered. I mean, even one of my gifts that I gave him nearly got thrown in the trash with the wrapping paper. That’s how oblivious he was to the other gifts. He just wanted to go back to playing on his tablet. My boyfriend didn’t even get a thank you. My son has no idea how hard my man worked and stressed about giving my children a good Christmas. Which is pretty huge, because he really didn’t have to. But he did.
Thankfully, we when we went to visit My boyfriends family, on his fathers side, the tablet got left behind. However, my boyfriends family mentioned that they noticed an attitude problem with my son. Which is why they were kinda distant from him.
As my sons mother, that’s a wake up call. Of coarse I see my children as little angels. But I mean if their first impression of my son is concerning. Then yeah, somethings not right, and clearly needs to be worked on before things get way too out of hand.
I mean, I know there has been issues with the schools. But I can not pin point exactly what it is regarding my son that is causing all this. I know him and his father have a bumpy relationship. Obviously. There has been verbal abuse in the past. And my son said he wanted to put an axe in his fathers head. He’s angry. But then again, there was a time he and my daughter were hoping me and my ex would reconcile and get back together. I told them that that wouldn’t happen. I’m sure that hurt. But let’s face it, my ex and I’s past relationship was severely unhealthy. Then there’s the change with me getting into a new relationship. At first things seemed okay. But as time goes on, it’s like my son is building a wall blocking my partner out. I don’t think he copes with change very well. Never has. Even with the arrival of his little sister. He didn’t cope well with that very well either. And now there’s another sibling on the way. He says he’s hoping for a brother, someone he can talk to. But, he doesn’t really talk to anyone. Whatever the main root of his issues are, he doesn’t let anyone in.
My partner thinks he’s a good kid regardless. He cares for him, and wants to be there for him. I mean, lately I’ve been concerned about my sons education, since he got pulled out of school to home school. Home-school doesn’t sound like it’s going very well. So yeah, I’m worried he’s falling more behind. My partner, however, bought a grade 5 curriculum text book, that includes Math, science, social studies and English. We’ve decided that our son won’t be allowed to use the XBox One, or computer, until he completes work from the text book. 1 page, both sides per subject. That way, I can see for myself just how far behind he is, and where he needs work.
My ex can teach him whatever at his place, but we’ll ( my boyfriend and I) do what we can from our end. I mean, I already asked my ex not to let our son bring his tablet over again. The whole purpose of the visits is so that I can see my son and daughter, and vice-versa. My son doesn’t come here to visit his tablet. So yeah, I don’t even want that thing here. Over the holidays, he was glued to that thing. Freakin technology, and children do not mix.
I mean, some parents are successful with technology and kids, they use it for educational purposes. However, with our son, it’s too late for that because it’s just been flat out entertainment since he was 5 years old.
So yeah, ya know? I want my son to be successful in the future. I don’t want him to have to struggle like his parents do within the welfare system. It’s not easy to get out of, as some people claim. That’s lucky. Not easy.
And I certainly don’t want him to turn to drugs and crime just to get by. My son is better than that. He deserves better than that. It’s too bad that his confidence is so low that he doesn’t believe that, or himself.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my son more than you’ll ever know. But as his mother, I won’t deny that there’s a problem and this mother is worried for him.
So I hope for 2016, and the years to follow, we can turn things around for him for the better. I hope I have the courage and strength to be the example he needs me to be. Sure I’ve accomplished great things over the years, but I’ll need to push myself even farther. Someones gotta do it, and show him another way.
So yeah, 2015 has had it’s ups, downs, obstacles and challenges. Bring on 2016! Thanks a bunch for reading, see you in the new year! Peace and love!- Pooks
“An attitude of gratitude brings great things.”
– Yogi Bhajan
I know I have been blogging a lot this week, but I’ve been going through an extreme amount of emotions lately, and yeah. Today I just feel that it is important to do an update so that the people that sincerely care for my well being don’t worry.
So straight off the top, my man and I worked things out. It may have taken days. But I’m not exactly the easiest person to get through to when I’m angry. Thankfully he never gave up on this relationship, or this little family we are becoming.
Also, thanks to a friend that I’ve spoken to who has years of experience within a relationship, and dealing with quarrels within a relationship, ya know? I was given a different way to approach this situation. I mean, a lot of the advice I was getting was to call the police to get him out of my house. But that doesn’t solve the real issue. I basically had to face my fear of confrontation. I mean, normally I’m used to people cutting me off while I’m speaking, or people raising their voice over mine to drown my voice out, or things explode like past abusive violent situations, in past relationships, or even my childhood. If I say no to something, or disagree with something, heaven forbid. But it turns out, none of that happened. My man was respectful, we took turns saying what needed to be said. We cleared the air so to speak.
He’s willing to kick alcohol to the curb, cold turkey. Not for me. It’s his choice. He has been making an effort to cut down, and he has…but he’s even going to take that further and quit, for the sake of the child I’m carrying. Plus, he noticed most issues arise because of alcohol or whatever, and he’s done. He cares for me and our family more than he does for alcohol.
As for this other woman, that was kinda meddling with our relationship. That clearly has no respect for our relationship, because she has a thing for him. Well, we both decided to cut her out of our lives. My man came to the realization that no, his “god-child” is not HIS child. HIS child is the one in my womb. That is whom he is responsible for. He said he only was there for the god-child, he doesn’t agree with the way this woman parents her, and he feels sorry for that kid. But that’s not his problem or responsibility.
When it comes to this other woman, the way I see it. She has known my man for years. Long before I came along. She had plenty of time to swoop him up, but didn’t. So why wait until he’s happy in a relationship to be all like; “oh my god, I got a crush on this man”?! Like seriously, ughhh…
I mean, yeah, the reason my man and I met in the first place was because this woman invited both me, and my boyfriend ( who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time) to her daughters birthday party years ago. My man said the moment he saw me there, he knew he wanted to be with me. He was all like; “Who is that…?!” Lol
Anyways, apparently this isn’t the first relationship she’s fucked with. I guess another relationship my man was in ended because of her. But he’s not going to let that happen this time.
So that resolves that. She’s gone. The alcohols gone. We can move on, hopefully with less drama. I mean, yes, problems will arise. And we will have to face those in the future, whatever they may be.
It may have taken me days to realize that, yes, it’s safe to communicate with him. He’s not gonna go all bat-shit crazy. He will actually sit down and talk to me, and try to sort things out with me. So yeah, he’s different than what I’m used to. He’s clearly proven that, and that’s good.
Yes we both have our insecurities, but he’s better at controlling his than I am of mine. But with his help, and with the help of my awesome friends who were there, I think we can overcome anything.
My friend was right, I wouldn’t have been so mad, if I didn’t care. Lol
As for C.A.S, my man reassured me, we’ll be ready when and if they come around.
So yeah, all those crazy fears that I had have been completely demolished. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but it has been demolished by love. I can move on feeling grateful, blessed, and confident that things are going to be okay.
Anyways, on with my day. Today I see my children at 4pm, and yeah. Thank goodness they don’t have to see a sad momma, just the happy one their used to seeing. Thank you for reading. Peace and Love – Pooks
“Lovers alone wear sunlight.”- E.E Cummings
Why don’t men respect a womans space? How many times must I ask a guy to leave, or to leave me alone? I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous that I used to like my drama free home, and now, I can’t stand being home. It’s sad that I am trapped in my bedroom, or I have to leave my own fuckin house. It’s no longer my safe cubbyhole where I can escape the rest of the world, drama and bullshit. Ugh…He’s not even on the fuckin lease, and it’s like he’s taken over this place.
Once again, he didn’t go to work. So I guess I’m the one that’s gonna have to leave the house for the day if I want to avoid any conflict.
Heck, yesterday evening I had to leave, and I didn’t return home til 2am. Why should I be avoiding my own fuckin house? Thankfully I have good friends out there. Ya know? When I’m psychologically/ emotionally not well, they know how to make me laugh again, and know to put art supplies in front of me. I’ve said it many times, art is like therapy. It calmed me down for the time being, and I could relax for a bit. Heck, I know all this drama isn’t good for me or the baby I’m carrying. Men don’t fuckin understand that.
I don’t even know what to do in this situation. He won’t leave because I’m pregnant with his kid, at least that’s his excuse.
We’re no longer together. I broke up with him, and I cut ties with the home wrecking bitch that he wants to keep in his life because he’s her daughters god-father. I want her gone. I want nothing to do with that fuckin bitch that compares me to my now ex’s abusive ex-girlfriend. Like, What?? Yeah, fuck you! I also want him gone. I want all the drama to fuck off. I don’t need this fuckin shit!
Clearly shit between us happened too fast, and having him move in was a shitty idea. Obviously, my house feels more like a prison than it does the safe cubbyhole that it used to be.
Which is funny, since he criticizes co-workers for their nose-diving relationships. Saying people should get to know each-other for 3- 5 years before moving in together. Yet, he only knew me for a month or two, and already knocked me up, and pressured me to move in. Can you say hypocrite?
It’s like men think they own you if you’re knocked up with their kid, ya know? Can’t run now, kinda thing. Watch me.
It’s like he’s deliberately not going to work, so that he can’t afford to move out. Yet, if he really gave a fuck about this child I’m bearing, he’d go to fuckin work anyways. No matter what the fuck is happening between us, our child would be the priority regardless. Clearly that’s not the case.
I don’t agree with the idea of exes living together. It would be an unhealthy environment for my children. So yeah, he needs to go. We’ll have to figure out parental arrangements when the time comes, that is if C.A.S actually doesn’t take this child away.
I mean, we’re not working as a couple. I’m tired of the drama, and I can’t keep sweeping shit under the carpet and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. Unresolved shit will just keep coming back up, and snowballing, as it has been. I’m done.
If you have any advice on how to go about all this. I’d like to hear it. Because honestly, I’m in a bit of a pickle. Thanks for reading. Love and hugs. – Pooks
Just cancelled my Leads appointment and booked it for next week. Just feeling a little bluuuh, but that’s to be expected with pregnancy. I hate this morning sickness shit. The waves of nausea. It’s kinda like being sea sick or something. But anyways, I’ll hang in there. I’ll get through the day.
I have my first full prenatal assessment appointment tomorrow with my family doctor. Gotta make sure I’m all tip top and what not.
So yeah, if you haven’t figured it out, I have not gotten an abortion and I’m not going to. My partner and I have talked since the last time I posted, and decided that we will be going ahead with the pregnancy. It’s our decision to make, not anyone elses. And like a friend has said, “You are in a relationship with him hun, not his family.” She also said; “You make ____ happier then I’ve seen him in….well…EVER!“
Sadly, I had lost someone that I thought was a friend over that whole dilemma. But then again, she’s the one that stuck her nose into my business uninvited. I sent her texts explaining myself ( even though I shouldn’t have to explain myself to a friend), and the situation, AND I said sorry for worrying her. Anyways, she just ignores my text messages, and blocked me on Facebook. Ahem, this is the one that had the brilliant idea to bring the cops over to my house over an FB status. It’s called morning sickness, it’s quite common with pregnancies. But I guess she assumed the worst, and thought I was passed out on the floor from heat exhaustion. WHAT?!! Where the hell did that come from?! Not to mention that FB status was from days ago before the whole ordeal. So what if I don’t have an air conditioner, whoopidee-shit! My house is pretty cool indoors compared to the outdoors anyways. And that’s just from having the windows open. I don’t like air conditioners. A) They hike up the hydro & B) The cold flares up my arthritis. But whatever, ya know? If she wants to hold a grudge, that’s her problem. That’s the way I see it. Like my bestie (whom has also been shut out by this particular person) said, “Not worth worrying about. Bigger fish to fry.”
So, yeah. Carrying on. Yesterday was my birthday. It was nice, and relaxing. My boyfriend gave me flowers, they were very pretty and colourful. He also had set up the bathroom with candle light, and set up the tub for me to have a relaxing bath. The water was sprinkled with flower peddles. It was beautiful. For dinner he cooked me some wild rice and rainbow trout. That was delicious. And to end our evening, we cuddled and watched a movie. It was a good, calm, relaxing birthday.
This past weekend I had my visit with my children, and gave them the news about the upcoming baby. Well…actually, my daughter asked, because she noticed that I’ve been getting chubbier, and I’m starting to show. So yeah, she’s a smart cookie. So yeah, I just told her, and she got so excited she had to share the news with her brother.
It’s funny because a month ago, they were saying that they wanted a little brother or sister, and for my boyfriend to be the babies father. Funny how things work out. They got what they wished for. Haha!
Anyways, over the weekend, my boyfriend came over and started to fix up my backyard. I was surprised to see that even my daughter was helping. That’s awesome. They started to give my backyard a makeover. A challenge that many have been too intimidated by. Ahem, there was a reason I called my backyard a jungle. Already, the yard looks amazing! We are getting it prepped for next year, when we can build our own garden with flowers and vegetables. We are trying to get the yard ready for the upcoming baby, and for when my man moves in with his two dogs. So the interior of my house will also be getting completely cleaned out as well. Big preparations for big changes coming our way. It’s exciting.
Umm.. my ex said that my being pregnant and all is going to impact and change my visits with my children. Not sure what to think about that. I mean, yeah, it may slow me down a little for 9 months. But other than that, why? I’m hoping he doesn’t cut my access to my children over it. I mean, yeah, I’m having a baby, but that doesn’t mean that my son and daughter aren’t my children anymore or something. I will always love them, because I am their mother. I’m hoping he doesn’t do his power tripping shit over me being pregnant. If I have to, we’ll go back to court. Or I’ll just show some cops our court order regarding my visitations. I have a right to see my children. And the power tripping shit, doesn’t only hurt me, but it hurts the kids. So yeah, hopefully it doesn’t come down to that bullshit.
But I could be worrying over nothing. My ex did say he wanted to meet my boyfriend. And my boyfriend said that makes sense, since he’s going to be a part of my son’s and daughters life now. But that was inevitable when getting into a relationship with me, my children are part of the package. He accepts and respects them, and they get along great.
As for art, I haven’t done anything for awhile. I haven’t even gone to the New School of Colour for a couple of weeks. I mean, I won’t be able to do any oil painting while I am preggers. Ya know? Because of all the chemicals and whatnot. So if I do work on something, it will be in a different medium, and I will probably be working on my art at home.
But there are much bigger things I need to focus on, to be honest. Such as preparing for this baby. It’s a little overwhelming when I think about everything that needs to be done, but it will be done.
Anyways, that is all I shall type today. Hope you enjoyed the read. Until next time, much love! – Pooks
“There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation.”- Pamela S. Nadav
Well things took a drastic turn quite rapidly. Ya know? Just when I was starting to get used to the idea of being pregnant, someones gotta come along and be the wicked witch so to speak.
To make a long story short, I don’t want to have any ties to my now ex-boyfriends mother. Especially after that phone call. She called her son, she was put on speaker phone to speak to me about the news. And no no no, she can’t be supportive like the Kings and my close friends have been. Instead, she brings up C.A.S, my past, and makes me cry. To top it off, that fuckin psycho bitch laughed at my pain. So no, I want no relations with, or any ties to anyone that laughs and pokes fun at my past pain I’ve gone through the years. So basically that means breaking up with her son, and getting an abortion.
I mean, who the fuck is she to judge me?! She’s dating a fuckin alcoholic/ crackhead, and has that addict around her younger children that still live in her home on a daily basis. Rrright, and she’s going to judge me as a parent?
I stormed out after I had enough. She’s a rude, ignorant, stupid bitch. Of coarse her privileged white ass wouldn’t understand any of the shit I have been through regarding C.A.S. Not to mention her eldest daughter is a C.A.S worker. So she see’s the fairy tale side of that organization. Not the reality of that evil organization that doesn’t give a fuck if parents love their children, it all comes down to slavery, and maintaining that slavery to benefit the Capitalists. Who gives a fuck if the children get put into abusive homes. Get placed with the abuser. I believe I read in the news that a child died because of that not too long ago. Can’t really say I’m surprised. That’s what they do. Heck! Look at the fucked up home I was placed in. I don’t even have contact with that supposed family anymore. they are not worth my fuckin time.
So yeah, I stormed out…as I did, it began to rain half way on the way home. Ugh! I took shelter at Mcmahen Park, at least til the rain stopped a bit, and continued on my way. It was a long walk for someone in my condition. I shouldn’t be walking great distances. But fuck! My purse, my wallet, money, ID, and other belongings were left behind at my now ex boyfriends apartment. So, not like I could hop on a bus.
By the time I got home, my stomach hurt. So I laid in bed, and stayed there for the remainder of the day, and majority of the next day. People kept knocking on my door, my cell phone kept going off, but I did not want to be bothered.
Anyways, I wasn’t too impressed that my now ex boyfriend and someone I thought was a friend brought the police to my door. Calling the cops on a friend, or your supposed girlfriend is just a low blow. Thanks a lot. You might as well just be calling C.A.S on my ass. Like really, no friend does that.
So the police came to my door, I answered. They started babbling to me about programs that assist people that are considering self harm. Like what the fuck?!! I just want to lie down. I put my body through a lot the night prior just trying to get home. Go away!
The female officer was really annoying, so I bluntly told her that she talked too much, and that I was dizzy and just wanted to sit down. They were like; good, we can come in then. Umm… noooo. You’re not welcome.
Anyways after that, the female cop was like “No more Misses nice cop.” Whatever. I’m not scared of you. Besides I’m sure the police would jump on a chance to kill another native, or person of colour. Ya know? They seem to do that quite often anyways. Just saying.
Anyways, after they were done babbling about whatever, and I saying that I don’t need their help. I’ll be calling my freakin doctor for help. They fucked off.
Later that night I went for a walk with my bestie. She filled me in that she had nothing to do with the cop calling. Even though we talked about my current situation, she also tried to distract me here and there with humour. She’s good at that. Anyways, she said she’d come with me when I get my abortion. Ya know? So I won’t have to do it alone. It’s not only going to be hard on me physically, but mentally as well. And yeah, I’m lucky to have her as a support, and a friend. She agrees and understands why I am choosing the route that I am.
Anyways, today, my bestie and I went to my now ex boyfriends apartment. He was at work. So I went to pick up my belongings and get the fuck out of dodge. Amazingly, most of my stuff was already packed. So that just made things so much easier. How was I able to get his apartment while he was at work? Simple, I was able to do so because he had cut me a set of spare keys for his apartment, but before my bestie and I left, I put them back in the mail slot with his flyers. I won’t be needing those keys no more.
I’m sure my now ex boyfriends mother will be happy. She got what she wanted, even though she didn’t have to say it. The point was clearly taken. Can’t really trust a 2-faced family anyways. One day saying I’m an upgrade from their sons ex, next thing they’re saying is that he lowered his standards. Yeah well…FUCK YOU ALL!!
So tomorrow I have a visit with my children. They’ll be over for the weekend. So next week, I’ll be focused on getting the abortion and recovering from it. – Pooks
Well I guess I do have time to blog today. I thought my Leads appointment was today, but apparently it was yesterday. The date my worker had written on my appointment card was different from what she had put in her book. So yeah, there has been some confusion, and clearly I missed my appointment. But I will see her on the 26th. The day after my birthday. Hooray! Haha!
Newho, where to begin? Hold on… I need to check where I had left off…
Oh right! Game night! That was fun. I had my boyfriend and a couple friends over and we played Cards Against Humanity. Hahaha! That is a very interesting, twisted game. Umm.. Thanks to my bestie for bringing over the tea, and buying us a large pizza to split. Good times!
Thursday was kind of a blur last week. Probably just a regular day.
On Friday I met more of my mans side of the family. Such as his mother, her boyfriend, and my boyfriends brothers and sisters. That evening we sat outdoors at my mans brothers place, had some beers, and just talked, chilled. I was kinda put on the spot with some questions, but I was very honest. For example; my boyfriends mothers boyfriend sensed that I had a dark side to me, and asked if I cut myself. Honestly, I don’t, but I used to many years ago. I find now that there is no need for it anymore, that suppression. Ya know? I used to do it to suppress my emotions. But now look at me, through my art and writing, I have become quite expressive, and there is no shame in doing so.
Anyways, it was funny that they said I was a definite upgrade from my boyfriends last girlfriend. So yeah, yaaaaay!
They were surprised to hear that I had a book published. I mean, yes, that is quite the accomplishment. But looking at it now, I would like to do another one. But better. And maybe have it edited before publishing. Haha! I don’t know. I noticed there are some grammar mistakes within the first one. So I consider it my “rookie” book. I kinda threw whatever material I had over the years, slopped it all together, and voila! There’s my first book! I might do something similar with the second, chaotic, not in any specific order. Just because that’s just me. But at least spell checked! Haha! Not yet though.
Newho, if you are interested in checking out my “rookie” book, “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess”, it’s only available on Lulu. I will provide the link here:
“Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess” basically a self portrait in many forms so to speak. However, I can’t recall if I mentioned why I call myself an alien goddess within the book or not. Those that have been following my blog for a long period of time already know. I refer to myself as an alien because I don’t quite fit into your world, and I’m kind of alienated. I’m a non-conformist to put it bluntly. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to love and accept that about myself. As for the goddess thing, that is based on a quote said by Pablo Picasso regarding women. He said they are either door-mats or goddesses. And yeah, I made my choice.
I don’t think I mentioned the cover either within my book. I mean, the time frame it was taken was discussed within the book. Yes it is a nude, but still modest and showing nothing. But basically, that “selfie” was taken after weeks of depression, starvation, and sleeping. After my attempt of a slow suicide years ago. That picture captured my awakening. Waking up as “Pooks”, not the same as I was before, wither I realized it at the time or not.
My man’s family gave my man a wonderful idea, which is basically to turn one of my poems in the book into a song. That would be cool!
Anyways, moving on.
On Saturday a reunion was held at my boyfriends sisters place. I even brought my own children there, and they were too shy to really interact and socialize with the other children. Ya know? New people. New Environment. A comment was said to me to “cut the cord already”, because they were being clingy. But it’s understandable. Going somewhere surrounded by strangers for the first time. I mean yes, my daughter is always clingy regardless. She is my youngest. But I am working on that, and she is aware of it lately. I think she’s starting to get it. Some space between us can be good.
I guess when they were speaking with the other children, my daughter said that if my boyfriend and I get married, that my boyfriends siblings would become their aunts and uncles. One of my boyfriends sisters disagreed, but my daughter is right. She’s is a smart cookie 😉 Anyways, it’s just funny that my boyfriend and I were the topic of discussion.
Which reminds me, over the weekend my daughter said if anyone tries to mess with my boyfriends and I’s relationship, she will kick them in the bum. Haha! It makes me happy that my boyfriend and my kids get along. I mean, I am lucky to have found someone that accepts my children, includes them as part of the package because they are a huge part of me and my life. As for my children accepting my boyfriend, clearly they must see how much he makes me happy.
Anyways, starting to get freakin mushy on you. that’s enough of that. Moving on.
Sunday, after I dropped my kids off at their house. I returned to my boyfriends place. He went to bed early, and I stayed up to watch a movie. Anyways, I fell asleep on the couch, and at 3am, my boyfriend woke up wondering where the heck I was. So he got up and found me sleeping on the couch, and then carried me to bed. I normally freak out when I’m lifted up off my feet. Fear of heights here. Newho, I guess I was really peaceful while I was asleep. I just thought that was sweet.
Monday!! I forget.
Tuesday was the New School of Colour and I worked on my painting. Although, my sleeve smudged it as I was holding up someone elses art piece so that they can sign the back of their art. So yeah. Guuuuuh!! More shit to fix up. I decided to make it look intentional, so I expressed my frustration, and added more sporadic smudges. Haha! Problem solved. Don’t freakin tell there isn’t any freakin problem solving to do when it comes to art. Omigosh! I swear, it’s always something.
Wednesday I painted some more at my boyfriends place. During one of our hikes in the past, I picked up a rock that I wanted to paint on. However I was having trouble regarding what to paint on it, and my boyfriend gave me an awesome suggestion. He suggested that I browse through his Chinese/ English dictionary, pick a work that I think defines him, and paint that on the rock. So that’s what I did. Except more. I painted some photography I did of storm clouds on the rock, and I put “Both Beautiful and Intelligent” written in Chinese on it. I was quite proud of it when I was done.
Today, I thought I had a Leads appointment, but nope. After checking my e-mail, I realize that my appointment was actually yesterday. So instead, I posted an ad up on Kijiji for my man. He’s trying to sell two puppies here in London,ON. Check out the ad if you are interested. The puppies are soooo cute!
Speaking of the puppies. The only male shiatsu finally got a home. My man gave him as a gift to his mom. Omigod! Did my man and I go though a lot of b.s over that puppy. Not from his mom either, but from this old lady that owns a black shiatsu already in my mans neighborhood. She claims her dog is the father, and that she has the right to a free male puppy. Ummm no. Not to forget that another male shiatsu could be a possible father, so there is no certainty which one is the father. My man gave the owner of the other shiatsu $50, and offered this woman the same. She didn’t accept it. So my man offered to sell her a puppy for $200, and she didn’t take that offer either. I mean, he had already promised his mother a male puppy years before this woman came along. So yeah, she was a nut case. I mean, she was text messaging my man, saying that if god wants it to be, it will be, and stuff like that. And saying God will make him lose his job, lose his girlfriend, his home, so on and so forth….OVER THIS PUPPY?!!
I mean, it sure didn’t seem like “god” was tampering with our relationship. More like she was, approaching me, while my mans at work, calling him a liar and a jackass behind his back.
Her attempt to talk to me about it was just plain dumb. I’m a bit of a hard-ass. Based on her crappy behavior, I told my man to tell her to go fuck herself, long before he decided that she’s getting squat. He made attempts to be fair, because he’s nice like that.
Yeah, I kinda ranted on Twitter about that whole situation briefly. #NoShiatsuForYou Haha!
Newho, Glads that’s over with. Glad the male puppy is safely out of the area, and in a new home. My man told this woman that if she bothers us again, he’s gonna charge her for harassment and slander. So yeah, haven’t heard a peep from her since. Thank goodness!
Anyways, I need to get something to eat. I’m hungry. So I shall end it there. Thanks for reading! – Pooks
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”- Walt Whitman
I guess I’ll work on my blog while I can. At least before I gotta get my place tidied up for game night with friends.
I’m not quite sure where to begin…a lot has happened.
Since there was no New School of Colour session last Tuesday, my bestie and I went on a trip to Kitchener, and while we were there we basically went mall hopping within Kitchener, Waterloo, and Cambridge. It was an interesting day that’s for sure. However, since we had gotten to an extremely early start that day, we both were fighting off sleep on the express bus. Too funny. Our first stop was at Davids Tea, of coarse. For lunch, we wanted to try to go to a restaurant that wasn’t in London, but we went to Coras (which is in London). But I have never been there before, so that was cool. A lot of the stores were the same in each mall. But hey, that didn’t really matter. I was chillin with my bestie, and we got out of London for the day. I was just grateful that she thought of me to join her on this trip.
On Wednesday, I had my Leads appointment. My worker and I did some interview practice since I did get a call back for an interview which was booked for Thursday. She also surprised me with some copies of volunteer job descriptions, one for retail in the gift shop at the London Museum. And the other was to be a tour guide at the London Museum. I decided that I’ll send a resume for the retail position, since that is pretty much the direction I have been going. Plus, I tend to sell myself short I guess, and don’t really think I am ready for the tour guide thing. It requires public speaking. Even though the experience would be amazing. I don’t know. Maybe in the future, but not yet.
Thursday I had my job interview at The Roots Cellar. The position is for a dishwasher, which anyone that knows me knows that I despise dishes. But, I decided that I was going to swallow my pride, and just try to get my foot in the door when it comes to the work field. Anyways, the interviewer was very nice. I mean, I was expecting to be more anxious and nervous, but I wasn’t. And the questions seemed rather simple, I just answered honestly. So yeah, it went by rather quickly. Wither that is a good thing or not, I don’t know. But kudos to me for actually following through and showing up to the interview. I was motivated for a change.
My boyfriend has been very supportive. I think he was happier about the interview than I was. But yeah, whatever. It’s nice to have the support. I mean, not only that, but he proudly brags about the book I wrote, and shows my art to as many people as possible. Haha! So yes, he’s very proud of me. It’s kinda nice to feel that appreciated.
On Friday, that was my 4 hour visit with my children, and we went to a park we’ve never been to before. It was called Nicholas Wilson Park, and it had more than one playground on it. So that was cool. We had options.
On Saturday, my boyfriend took me hiking. I swear, my shins always get bit by a thorn bush on these hikes. But yeah, totally worth it. We ventured into a nice quiet forest. And yeah, it was nice. While he dug around in the dirt looking for treasure. Hehe! My own personal pirate! I no longer have to tell Ducky to put a pirate into her paintings, I got my own. Haha! Anyways, while he did his excavating, I got to maintain the fire. That was fun! I’m lucky my man is kind of a bush man, he knows his shtuff when it comes to the outdoors. So no worries. It was safe.
We did get rained on a bit, but that was okay. We cooked our hot dogs over the fire anyways. Umm…oh yeah, we saw 3 turkeys, and 1 deer. That was awesome! The turkeys look so funny running through a field. Can’t really help but giggle at the sight. As for the deer, at first we thought it was a decoy, it was THAT still. But when it jumped away. Yeah, that proved otherwise. And man those things can jump!
On Sunday, I got to meet some of my boyfriends friends from an apartment building he used to live in around the Cherryhill area. Anyways, they were sweet. They seemed like nice people. There were a lot of sweet elderly folk there I noticed. And they all say the same thing about my man, he’s a gentleman. Awww… 🙂
Oh yeah, over the weekend my man and I made home-made chicken noodle soup. Which I have tried and it’s delish! Well…most of the credit goes to the boyfriend, I just made the rice and the pasta. Pretty easy stuff. Haha!
On Monday, I think that was the day I was moseying around my boyfriends apartment, while he cleaned and did other stuff. I find when he gets in that mode, just stay out of the way. He gets pretty focused and determined to get shit done. He even bathed Molly, and her puppies. That was cute! They’re all pure bred shiatsu’s. And the puppies are just a bundle of cuteness overload. My man plans on selling 2 of them, and 1 is spoken for, and the other he is keeping.
Yesterday was the New School of Colour, it re-opened. So yaaay! I got to reunite with muh art peeps! I did work on my oil painting again. I didn’t get too much done though, as I showed up late. And it looks as though that someone had spilled coffee on my canvas. So I got some fixing up to do. Sigggh….
Anywho…back to cleaning up for game night. Hope you enjoyed. I’ll write again when I can! Much love! – Pooks
“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”
– Steve Maraboli
Blogging again, after some communication, thinking and analyzing regarding my own personal love life. But I will get back to that shortly…
I have an amazing bestie that took me for a girls day out today. I think it was very much needed, and I found it refreshing.
We went to Masonville Mall, browsed through some stores, drank some tea, and went to see the movie “Spy” at Silvercity. Awesome movie by the way. I totally recommend it. Jason Statham was the best! Loved him in that movie!
Anyways, after the movie we went for one of our epic long walks. There’s always something random that happens during our walks, or we see amazing shit. For instance, we saw 6 deers, and I swear that was the closest I’ve ever been to any deer. It was just on the other side of the fence at the cemetery. It was definitely a breath taking moment. Had we gone another route as planned, we would have missed that opportunity and experience all together.
So yeah, it’s been an awesome day and night. We didn’t get back to our neighborhood until 3am. Which is the usual time for one of our crazy late night walks. Ya know? When we walk, we WALK. As in a great distance. The goal is a Timmies coffee, and of coarse, good exercise. Mission accomplished, plus some laughs along the way.
So yes, thanks to her for inviting me out. I feel honoured that she thought of, and chose me to chill with on her day off.
Now, onto my love life. On my last blog post a friend commented and said that there still might be hope for this one. Well…she may be right.
There could have been some misunderstanding, and well… I have the tendency to take things personally. My own doubts and insecurities could have blinded me.
So yeah, we both kinda got shook up when it came down to his ex texting him.
And after some thought, I understand that he would want to change his surroundings if they give him flashbacks of a traumatic experience.
Thinking of my own experience of an assault, I was fortunate enough to have moved from where the assault had taken place. Ya know? So I can only imagine what it is like for him. He’s still in the same environment, same surroundings, so the flash backs must be on a constant replay.
Silly me for thinking that he kept bringing her up because he still had feelings for her. Wrong! Ahem, that was my insecurities kicking in.
I’m not exactly the most confident person. A lot of the time, I think other girls are much better and more attractive than myself. But maybe that’s to be expected from a person whom has experienced a shit load of verbal abuse and psychological abuse within my life time.
Anyways, we’ve been communicating via. text messaging, and plan to talk it out in person. Through text messaging he’s told me that he does want to be with me. He wants to be a part of my life, and my childrens lives. He’s over his ex, and wants nothing to do with her. Hence why he wants to get rid of any reminders of her. He wants to move on and start a new chapter in his life with me. He sounds very sincere. Especially since he has been making positive changes in his life suitable for a family. My family. My kids and I. He kinda blew me away when he said I was everything he’s been looking for, and that he has wanted to be with me since the first time he saw me. That was 3 years ago. Sensitive little me, kinda got all teary eyed. I was wrong, and my insecurities hurt him when really he needed my support.
So yeah, that’s where things stand at the moment. Hopefully we can work things out, and get through this together. I do have a habit of pushing people away, and running the moment I feel any emotional pain. It doesn’t help that I take things so personally. But yeah, the time and space has helped me think outside myself, and to try to imagine his perspective.
So there still might be some hope for this relationship after all, and it might not be entirely over yet. He clearly hasn’t given up on me, and that means a lot. – Pooks
“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”
– Daniel Goleman
FUCK!! I need to go the freakin library. Print out my bill. Hand in a copy to OW, because apparently they didn’t pay it directly like they were supposed to, so I’m gonna have to try to get that set up again. AND I have to go to the Housing Stability Bank at the Salvation Army to see if they can pay the bill since OW/ Discretionary Benefits did squat, and just told me to go there. According to my red slip, my power gets cut off today. Thank you OW!. You’re so much help. Geez! Luckily though, I was told by London Hydro that that’s on hold because I am working on it. So yaaay! I have time. But it’s gotta be done today. So fuck! A lot of unnecessary running around to do. Fuck that fuckin strike! OW workers are slackin. Then I got my visit later with my kids. So yeah, I’m gonna be exhausted by the end of the day. To save my bus tickets, yeah, I’ll be walking everywhere. Except to get to my visit. Bus tickets are reserved to get me there. I can always walk back. Ughhh… tired already. But here it goes… Fuck a shower. I’ll shower later. Just want this over and done with. Some stress you may not be aware of because I’m just very internal like that.
Ya know? I went to OW for assistance earlier in the week, and yeah…just get a phone call the day before disconnection of my power to go else where. WONDERFUL!!
Now it’s the day of disconnection. And I’m stressed. Not cool. But I’m here writing it, because I don’t talk about shit that bothers me. I write about it. I draw about it. I find other ways to vent my frustrations.
Speaking of venting frustrations. Yesterday was an off day for some friends, so yeah, they vented verbally. I listened. And yeah, I absorb that shit like a fuckin sponge. That energy. That’s a lot in me now. So if I seem a bit off lately, that’s why. It would be a great time to paint. Get my own, and others frustration, all that negativity I just absorbed out onto a piece of paper or a canvas. But no no no, I got other shit to take care of.
Right as of now, I’m just waiting for OW to open, their hours are currently 10am – 2pm because of the freakin strike.
Umm… what else? A couple other things. I mean, why does there always have to be a psychotic ex in the picture? I mean, mine finally is backing off a bit and having some respect for my new relationship. However, my boyfriends ex has been texting him, and I admit, that has me on edge a little bit. From what I heard, she doesn’t sound like a very stable person. I mean, she assaulted my current boyfriend in the past, and yeah. In a fucked up way, my boyfriend and I can relate when it comes to past abuse. Anyways, the fact she seems kinda psycho, and isn’t really moving on, and keeps texting when my boyfriend wants nothing to do with her, that kind of raises a red flag in the back of my mind. Should I be concerned of my own safety? I mean, it’s been awhile since I feared going out like my biological mother. Murdered by a jealous insecure bitch over a man. But I find myself getting a bit concerned.
I mean she texted him on the day of Up with Art, and she tried again yesterday. Which kinda stressed my boyfriend out. And maybe he thinks that that is making me insecure, like I think he’ll leave me for her or something. But that’s not it at all. He’s reassured me that I have the key to his heart, I’m his girl, so on and so forth. But it’s not him I’m worried about at all. It’s an old fear of dying as my mother did that is creeping up on me.
So yeah, hopefully she just moves on, and doesn’t start any drama. So not interested.
What else? Since I got into this relationship, I am starting to see who are my friends, and which ones had other intentions. Especially with this one “friend”, whom I used to date, kinda, in the past. Maybe he was hoping we’d hook back up. But no! He blew that chance when he took me for granted, ignored me, and yeah let me slip away. Clearly I wasn’t that special to him. Maybe just a piece of ass. But yeah, he’s lucky I even considered to talk to him again after ignoring me as he did as soon as he got a job. Like he’s too good or something. So yeah, now he’s giving me this attitude since I started dating my boyfriend. And yeah. FUCK! Either accept my friendship, or fuck off! He’s behaving like an immature jealous bitch! Not only that, but he ignores our other friends now. I mean, last Tuesday my bestie sent him a message trying to set up a game night or something, like we used to do, and he just ignored. Like grow the fuck up! You’re like 50 something years old!
On Tuesday, I noticed my Scrabble game that I had brought and left at his apartment was dropped off, and sitting in the corner of the New School of Colour studio. Either he’s getting evicted, or just just acting like a bitch. He didn’t even show up last week. He did the week before, but made this smart ass remark about me rushing off to see my boyfriend. Not to mention he was taking his frustrations out on other artists, such as one that was just trying to joke around with him, and he tried to pull this shit like she was the one trying to start shit or something. “Oh I don’t know where the hell that came from!” Dude! Chill! She was just playing. Geez! So yeah, obviously I’m not gonna stick around. He was acting kinda hostile, and I got the fuck out of there. “I rushed off in a hurry”
So yeah, not too impressed with that supposed friend.
I mean, this other guy that had a crush on me is handling my new relationship status better than this other guy. He even shook my boyfriends hand. And still cracks jokes, and clowns around with me regardless. So he clearly values my friendship, even if he was hoping we would have been more. I appreciate that. Kudos to him for being mature about it.
My freakin ex is even handling this new relationship status better for crying out loud!! What did he say? He said congrats! And now he’s moving on. He says there is another girl he’s interested in. Thank fuckin god! It took years for that guy to get the point. It’s over. Sadly, it takes another man to get that point across. A womans space isn’t respected as much as a mans apparently.
So yeah, everything can’t be sparkles, pixies, rainbows and unicorns all the time. Sometimes your cage is gonna get rattled. And yeah, it’s gonna piss you off. Life’s not perfect. But isn’t that what makes it beautiful? The imperfections? And the very very frustrating struggles. That’s what makes your story, doesn’t it? I mean, it all comes down to how we choose to react. And well, I chose to keep my mouth shut, and just write it out and move on. It’s helped many times before.
Now off to walk off some steam and get shit done! Have a good day!
Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading. – Pooks
“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.”
– Frank Herbert