Because you’re Native

So I was going through the documents my doctor gave me, to give to the hospital in case I pop early.

Needless to say that I am not impressed with the way they worded things. Such as “denies” substance abuse in current pregnancy??? Wtf? I don’t do drugs period, besides the antibiotics they shove down throat. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I kicked that to the curb without a problem when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. 10- 11 YEARS AGO!!! I don’t do fuckin drugs period. Ughhhhhhhh….

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All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

It also says to monitor me for any indications to involve them (C.A.S) in current pregnancy.

A) The reason CAS got involved in the first place was because a doctor accused me of being on crack when I actually had mastitis. And rather then doing their job, Dr. Lee settled for his assumption.

B) CAS remained involved because of MY EX and the domestic abuse. But yeah, CAS, specifically Lara Downing, fucked up on that one, and thinks it’s safer to have my children with the man that assaulted their mother, than their mother. Make any sense?? Oh that’s right, I opened up with the truth that my ex was in my home when he wasn’t supposed to be due to a restraining order. I guess that would have been too much work for her to have to start from scratch. But what does she expect from a domestic abuse case? Yeah, I was lying on his behalf. Because he supposedly loved me, and was the only person that cared for me. Everybody else was just trying to tear our family apart. That’s the kind of shit a victim of abuse gets brainwashed with. Anyways,  out of spite, this lazy immature worker did everything in her power to have my kids placed with my ex. Congrats! She succeeded, and now schools wonder why they have so many problems with my eldest son. Smh. Oh yeah, and since my ex was around when he wasn’t supposed to be, that whole cleanliness bullshit that got pinned on me only, that’s on him too. That’s the fuckin truth.

Society and all these organizations are fuckin retarded!
Correction. Not retarded. That’s not the word. I know some peeps may find that word offensive. But yeah… perhaps bias, prejudice, racist, ignorant, so on and so forth, are better words to use.

Heck! Even my biological cousin shares this perspective from her own experience. She said: ” Automatic substance abuser. Because you’re native. I get labeled immediately as well, even when I was pregnant.”

So yeah. Welcome to the life of a native. Isn’t that fuckin bullshit or what?

Not all natives are substance abusers. Many of my generation learned by the example of our elders. Not all of them. But yeah, there are those trying to drown their traumatic experiences from Residential Schools. The torture and genocide of our people and culture. Sure those times may be over, not entirely obviously, but clearly our elders still suffer internally from those memories. I imagine it would be like how a soldier would suffer PTSD after returning from war. People having to live with seeing or experiencing inhumane shit that is to be kept “confidential.”

Anyways… that’s enough for this post. I will post another regarding other aspects of my life, either later on today or in the week. Thank you for reading my occasional rant. Peace and love – Pooks

“…racist thought and action says far more about the person they come from than the person they are directed at.”

– Chris Crutcher

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Circles, Nests, and Paths

Well well well… Already another blog day is upon us. Well la dee da!

Last week, I was in this gloomy funk, it seemed like it would not shake off. It’s not even over anything personal. But more over things that are taking place in another part of the world. This whole thing between Gaza and Israel is so depressing. Why would people do that to fellow people? I mean, I know there’s stupid excuses that they could use to try to justify these horrific and barbaric actions. Yeah, lets shoot up schools and hospitals with innocent civilians inside.

Perhaps what affected me the most were these images of parents, mourning the loss of their children. Holding their toddler in their arms, and their toddlers head has been blown wide open. Or the father placing his dead child into a grave. It’s heart-breaking. I’ve experienced that pain, I know that loss. But I am fortunate it’s not permanent as it is with these parents I feel for miles and miles away.

I wish it would stop. I wish there was something I could do. All I can do is express and share the affect it has on me.

Maybe I am sensitive, more in tune with my emotions, or whatever. But shit like this really gets to me. People are so blind by the illusions they make up to separate themselves from each other, they don’t see a parent, a father, a child, a mother, a human being just like themselves.

It is concerning that genocide is acceptable. The U.S supplying the weaponry. Your taxes paying for this slaughter. It’s evil.

I don’t know how people can go on with their merry lives, or turn the other cheek. Ignore and pretend that everything is just peachy with their lives. We are all connected, so what affects them, affects you, like it or not. Those people dying, they are a part of you in a way. I wish there was a simple way to define that to the naive. More people need to research the medicine wheel. It is a very powerful symbol. It’s a shame religions today ignore it and consider it rubbish. Maybe they would be more empathetic towards each-other if they took the time to understand it.

Anyway, yeah, I was quite sad there for awhile, until I had my kids over for the weekend. The two little bright shining spirits that they are, got me right out of that gloominess.

This past weekend was an adventure. I even attempted to face a fear of mine, heights, just for my kids happiness. We went to Ribfest, and there was this insane ride there called the Full Tilt, I went on it with my children, and I swear I thought I was gonna die. Haha! I was so scared. But my kids loved it, they had a blast, so the temporary feeling of terror was worth it.

So rather than buying treats this weekend, I paid for an experience to share. I mean, I did pay for a couple slushies as well. Obviously, we’re gonna get thirsty. But we ate before we left. And yeah, totally worth it, because memories were created that we won’t ever forget.

Other than that, I’m waiting for a phone call from Ontario Works to confirm an appointment, considering it is almost 4pm, I am not going to get that call today. Well la dee da. So yeah, I’ll be back on Ontario Works by next week.

I don’t want to schedule another appointment with my psychologist until that is all sorted out, and out of the way. Plus OW could issue me a bus pass to get me to and from my appointments.

Other than that, back to volunteering and job searching. My son gave me a couple of idea’s of where I could apply. I love him, he believes in me, even if I don’t believe in myself sometimes.

I was talking to my ex, and apparently I’m not the only native that thinks employers don’t hire natives. He’s met a few that share the same thoughts. I have to change that perspective, because maybe that hopelessness shows. And well, if I don’t believe in myself, how could anyone else? It’s an on-going struggle.

Anyways, what else? Been trying to be there for a dying friend. It’s been hard. It was so quick and sudden too. A good friend of mine got cancer, and now she’s selling and giving her stuff away. I can understand, less to deal with when it is time to write a will. All the art and gifts I gave her, was returned. She doesn’t want to give it away to anyone else, it’s hers, and she thinks it’s only right that it goes back to the artist that created it. So I have the very first piece I ever did at the New School of Colour back in my possession.

My daughter was looking closely at the art piece over the weekend, and she’s starting to notice things within it. She held two of my art pieces together and noticed that there was an Arizona dessert scene  in both, within little circles. I’m not sure what it is about Arizona, but I’ve been fascinated ever since I was child. It was during a vacation with my family, in a souvenir shop somewhere, I saw these license plate plastic key-chains with names on them, I guess the Arizona license plate really stuck with me. On the plate was a sun set, and silhouettes of cactus’ on a dessert. I remember feeling so curious, and filled with wonder.

I totally got side tracked, I’m not sure how much longer my friend will be here. I can tell it’s hard for her. She’s so use to keeping herself busy, and chemo has been depleting her energy. Although, those Boost beverages help. She was a lot more energetic, and ate more than she has been. I haven’t really cried about it, but I am sad that this is happening to one of those most independent women I know. She accepts it, but she is fighting. She wants to remain in her apartment, she said they’ll have to drag her out in a body-bag. She doesn’t want to die in a hospital, or hooked up to a machine.

It’s weird, it’s like she’s preparing to die. Kinda like how pregnant mothers start nesting. Something similar happens when one knows they are dying.

Perhaps the reason I have not cried, is because she doesn’t need my tears, she needs to hear my laughter. So I do my best, and find things to laugh about. She’s not gone yet, and there’s still time to enjoy the little things. She’s got enough people mourning over the news of her health. I believe there’s a chance she could kick cancer to the curb. There’s also the possibility that she won’t. I won’t cry until she is physically, and consciously gone. The day I can no longer spontaneously visit like I do, because she won’t be there.

Anyway, it’s 5:16pm. Maybe I will get that phone call tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, New School of Colour will be open at the Ark. Yaaay! It’s been awhile since I painted. A whole week without art omigosh, minus that day I met up with Hailey, and we did some art at a coffee-shop. That was cool. I experimented and drew with my left hand.

So yeah, life is shifting again so to speak. Just when you think you’re on the right path, you get plunked back where you were. If I try to make sense of it, I’ll drive myself crazy. Just go with the flow. New path, new experiences to be had. It doesn’t matter what direction I go, I am, and will always be, Pooks the Artist & Writer. – Pooks

“A good traveler is one who knows how to travel with the mind.”

–  Michael Bassey Johnson

Release the Closed Door

Blog day! And there are a few things that are on my mind, completed unrelated to each-other. So I guess the question is, where to begin.

Things are going good with the visits with my kids, but as I’ve mentioned before there are some annoying things I have to put up with when it comes to my ex. Such as he thinks he knows me so well, or his idea of me, yeah that gets really annoying. He clearly doesn’t know me at all. Obviously. I mean, he was trying to tell me that I was all devastated when I turned 30 years old.  That I was all miserable about aging and that I was trashed on my 30th birthday. First off, he wasn’t there, so who the fuck is he to say what happened, he doesn’t have the slightest clue. Secondly, whoopidee shit. I’m in my 30’s.  Thanks to my Mama, Elizabeth King, for good genes, no one believes I’m 31 half the time anyways. Haha! I’m always getting I.D’ed at convenient stores. I guess the way I dress doesn’t help. I like to play with both “genders roles” when it comes to how I dress. Half female, half male… I’m pretty sure I’ve made my fascination with androgyny apparent. Thank you Diana Thorneycroft! Ever since I saw her photography back in high-school, I have seen androgyny as an art. I see nothing but beauty within in it.

Anyway, yeah, I’m pretty sure I blogged what happened on my 30th birthday here on WordPress. I was invited for dinner with 2 very sweet Christian friends of mine, whom eventually moved out to Saskatchewan. They made me a steak dinner, baked an awesome cake, we played around on the acoustic guitar, and yeah, we had some Crown Royal and Coke, but didn’t get plastered as my ex likes to assume. He doesn’t know, and has never met these fabulous friends of mine, so he has no right to say shit about their character. Let alone mine, considering our contact got cut off around that time. Thank god, because I was getting verbally abused through text messages by my ex. So it was a good thing I lost my cell, and all contact was cut off for a period of time. I has given time to actually heal so to speak.

Normally, I don’t drink. My thing is normally coffee. If I’m an addict of anything, it is caffeine. But lately, I’ve had a couple nights out with a friend that is visiting for the summer, a former co- facilitator of the New School of Colour. Matter of fact, she will be opening up and facilitating on Wednesdays starting next week, just for the month of August. Anywho, no I didn’t get plastered, my limit is 3 beers. Not what my ex called ” a beer” either. He used to call one of those large bottles “a beer”, which is like 3 in one. Whatever. I had a nice happy buzz at the St. Regis Tavern. On our second night there, after meeting up for coffee at Fire Roasted Coffee Company and creating some art ( I experimented and surprised myself drawing with the opposite hand), I got to watch her perform with her ukelele. Even the New School of Colour’s/ Old East Village media dude came out. That was cool. Lots of fun. There was lots of talent there during Open Mic Night.

I mean, my ex acts like I’m this social drunk person. But no, I’m an introverted hermit. I’m indoors, in my home majority of the time. I think the world is overwhelming and chaotic, and to avoid any anxiety, I normally stay in. Unless, I’m invited out by familiar people I know. I guess I’m like a vampire that way. You have to invite me first. Unless you are Julie or Ducky, whom, I visit spontaneously without notice. Haha!

Anyway, enough about that. I could explain myself 1000’s times, but my ex will just continue to think what he thinks. He has convinced himself that I am someone I am not. That’s his problem. It’s all in your head nut bar!

Newho, enough about him and his nonsense. It’s out of my system, let’s carry on!

My friend visiting from Montreal has asked a rather interesting question, what is it about creating art with other people? I guess she wants to pin point on that energy that takes place within the New School of Colour, and places like it. I do admit, creating art on my own, say at home, is a lot different than it is surrounded by other artists. But than again, at home alone, motivation can be a struggle. Even inspiration mind you. I mean, I was going to paint on the lid of a tin cookie container. I painted it black, and that was it. I hit a dead end. Haha! Although at the New School of Colour, idea’s tend to flow more easy. That might be because I am surrounded by art, and inspired by it. Not only that, but when you’re alone, idea’s can become stagnant. What I mean by stagnant is, you produce what you know, rather than actually pushing yourself to create something more challenging. In an environment where there is constant creating, there is that opportunity to learn from others around you, and grow. Hence, why I once defined the New School of Colour as a garden within an artist statement of mine, and why I keep returning.  I’ve been going since 2011, and the artists there just keep improving at their own pace. It truly is magical to see. As for motivation, we all become fans of each-others work, there is a lot of encouragement and praise that takes place within it. Each artist plays a role of inspiration. Even if you don’t think you’re that experienced, you could be inspiring to another artist within that studio. It doesn’t have to be the art. It could be the stages, the progress, the amount of effort put into your work, the passion. There is no doubt, that it is a positive environment, and I probably just touched base on the tip of it’s nose. There is a lot more to it, that energy that takes place, to define. I think to have an art therapist explore more on that, would be interesting to see. The information they gather from it all. I am just one perspective, one artist. There is a lot more perspectives to see through in our underground art studio. It’s quite amusing that our studio is underground, it’s like our secret little hide out. We go in and gather in our basement studio down under, and we come out splashing the community with art!

Besides all that, this month is almost over, and I will soon be back on Ontario Works, because the Dean of Art and Humanities at the University thinks I need to focus on my mental health, and what not. “I am happy to see that you are now seeking support, but I do believe that you to resolve the issues that have plagued you before you return to school rather than during your time at school. For this reason, and the fact that little was done to address your difficulties at the time they arose,  I have to deny your petition..” Haha! “Resolve”. That’s cute. Dude! I’ve been passed on from councilor to councilor ever since I was 6 years old. Now, if those “professionals” couldn’t help me “resolve” whatever is supposedly wrong with me, it’s likely it’s not going to be resolved. It’s permanent. It’s just finding what will help me cope through my waves of anxiety and depression without being doped up on prescribed drugs. I refuse to go there.

The whole, I am NOW seeking support. Sure I may not be consistent. But don’t tell me I’m not seeking support, I have. For years mind you, it’s not just a recent thing. Not to mention, when you get that freakin depressed, to the point your shutting the world out, it’s not an easy thing to suddenly snap out of. But then again, this guy clearly doesn’t understand anything regarding mental health issues.

Not to mention, that the way the economy is headed, and the global issues of today. There’s going to be more people experiencing anxiety and depression. It is becoming a norm, because technically, we are all in danger. Our own leaders and governments are putting us in that position, poisoning our food with chemicals, destroying our natural resources with oil and fracking. Our own disgusting prime minister approving genocide in another country. It doesn’t matter what race, or religion they are, it’s humans killing humans. Not only that, but humans exterminating defenseless humans, children. That is horrific. And if that has no affect on you as a human being, than what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, you’d think people would have evolved from past events of genocide, the outcome, the consequences. Have you people not learned fuck all from what happened to your Canadian Indigenous people? You’re just going to create more people like me that cannot conform into your system, but will be accepted by fellow outcasts, rebels and freaks. You’ll just create a growing enemy.

But no, by all means. Stigmatize me. Act like there’s a cure. There isn’t. Leaders are the problem.

“the extracurricular activities you undertook don’t appear excessive”

For someone with anxiety, yeah it was. I was on the board of directors, I was a volunteer at  The Arts Project, my schedule with my children’s visits changed to weekends, I dropped some of those things so that I could focus more on my studies. But I guess I’m suppose to  drive myself like a slave until I’m to drained to properly look after my kids, or want to continue to create art. Right? I didn’t let go of the New School of Colour, sorry, that keeps me sane so to speak. It is my voice in a way. But I don’t expect a person so conditioned into the system to understand that. A sheep is driven by money, convinced they NEED money to live. Fuck the money, that’s not what you need to live. You need your natural resources, DUH!! But not only that, you need each-other! Stop killing off your fellow humans for petty fuckin reasons. It’s stupid. Money makes people stupid. Ughhh! It’s sickening. Yeah, I’d rather call myself an alien.

I got off track there. But yeah, what may be too much for one person, may not be too much for the next. But I guess this Dean cannot comprehend that.

The Dean was my art history teacher, the pop culture and media half of the course during Fall/Winter 2013. And as I explained before, he didn’t teach as well as the women do at the university. Just because you move your hands it doesn’t mean you’ll keep the class engaged. Not to mention, in the first class he said “Capitalists decide what art is.” And yeah, I was repulsed and I highly disagree with that sentence. The artist will not only tell you what art is, but they will show you. Too much credit is given to the Capitalists. Fuck them!

Anyway, that e-mail didn’t say anything about when I could register again. Hopefully in 2015. At least I was able to improve my mark in Sociology. In the mean time, back onto Ontario Works. I’ll continue to see my psychologist at the University. Speaking of which, I will have to re-book. I missed the last appointment because that e-mail got me rather distraught. Emotionally, I needed the time to cope with that disappointment. Thank my friend for inviting me  out, it’s shown me, that positive experiences can still be had even after receiving bad news. It’s not the end of the world, and I can still make the best out of life.

Onto OW, and job searching I guess. Back to square one. Some volunteering, maybe get some kind of art related part-time job I could tolerate. I’m not going to be able to support having my kids on weekends with just OW alone. So time to start thinking of places I could possibly apply to. I admit, I have lacked effort in job searching before. I like to live spontaneously, so a job restricts that to the bore of repetition. Partly why I despise dishes so much. It’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t look forward to it. There is no creativity in repetition. My mind likes to wonder, explore, and try new things. Restrains, I don’t like restrains period. But you know what they say, one door closes, another opens. I just need to find it. – Pooks

“The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.”

– Bansky