Honestly, I did not want to write today. But here I am writing anyways. It is just something I have to do. I can’t really explain it, but it is a part of what I am. A passion I can’t let slide no matter how depressed I may be feeling. It is a part of my purpose.
So now you know depression is the issue here. I didn’t want to write and just be a total downer. I’m not one to burden others with my shit. In person, as far as you know; “I’m fine.”
I guess a lot has hit me all at once over the holidays. A supposed best-friend rejects and kicks me to the curb just before Christmas for being “too offensive”. For being too honest. I guess people only say they respect and want honesty until they actually get it.
But then again, this is a person that has flat out told me she doesn’t like and only tolerates this other artist that paints hockey logos. Or as I referred to as the cock-eyed red head. But on Monday, there she is pretending to be all buddy buddy with her. Wow! Bravo! Someone should totally nominate this woman for an Oscar Award. Her acting is astounding! Too bad this other person isn’t aware of her bullshit. I kinda feel bad she’s being played like that, even though me and this “cock eyed red head” did have our own issues in the past.
I personally would not be able to do that. Live a lie like that. Lying to myself and others. Seems like a shameful, deceitful way to live. But than again, I have come to the realization that not only are majority of the people cowards, but they are also fake ass people pleasers. They are not true to themselves. They are so concerned what the “others” will think about what they say, do, even appear. Clones. People mimicking people’s expectations. Sheep, just following the herd. Cowards that are just constantly lying to themselves. They come off as so rehearsed, saying the same lame catch phrases repeatedly for approval. Do you even know who the fuck you are? Like, seriously, deep down. I doubt it. People waste so much time kissing each-others asses their heads get lost up there. I guess I’m realizing just how rare genuine authentic people really are. How rare I am.
Anyways, maybe it’s karma. Even though I don’t normally believe in karma. I “unfriended” her spontaneously on FB in the past, but I at least gave an explanation and reason. I didn’t even get that. Just a cold shoulder, and a nose in the air. In the past, I did so so that she wasn’t caught in the middle of the drama between the “cock eyed red head” and I. If anything, I was trying to protect her from the drama and bullshit. But in this recent case, this other person isn’t even on FB, the person I was ranting about for snapping at me and making an unnecessary scene for sharing ideas. I guess small minds can’t comprehend that many ideas, they can only discuss gossip about people. Maybe I’ve just outgrown that crowd. Anyways, I was “unfriended” for venting. Wow, that is just fuckin dumb. This clearly shows, I need to make better friends.
Onto the other shit that hit me all at once, such as being ganged up on by fellow Idle No More members for bringing up an issue that affects and reflects on us all. I mean, if the person you steal from is aware that you are apart of Idle No More, yeah, that behavior will reflect on the whole movement. Perhaps I was hoping that whomever stole the 50 flags from the International Indigenous Unity Flag artist would do the honorable thing and either return the flags, or pay for them. It was a long shot hoping it would reach whomever was responsible. But the online bullying attack really put a damper on any hope I had for the movement, for a revolution. Just to see and experience first hand how easily they turn on their own, wow. That was devastating.
The troll on twitter calling me a thief, hobo and tramp. Rude remarks instantly piss me off. Just ask my ex, he’s a pro at verbal abuse, and he wonders why I won’t take him back. Haha! It pisses me off more so coming from strangers that don’t even know me personally, not that my ex really knows me either and he’s always shooting his mouth off. So who the fuck is he to judge? Ya know? Not only that, but I am so fed up with sexism and discrimination, I get enough of that chauvinistic bullshit from my abusive ex, thank you very much!
Which brings me to another point that’s got me down lately, my children. Not seeing them over the holidays. Not seeing them for two straight weeks. I can’t help but feel blue as the time drags on. Supposedly my visit is scheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We’ll see. Excuse me if I just feel very pessimistic lately. This change affects our schedule we had going. Technically I should have seen them on the 3ird, but I didn’t, obviously. No idea why not. I mean, Merrymount was back open and running. So what’s the fuckin excuse?!
Anyways, as you may recall the personal research I was doing regarding the brain, and communication. Yeah, fuck that! I find myself becoming more withdrawn, not really wanting to engage or interact with people. People cannot be trusted. Everyone will just fuckin hurt you and stomp all over you. That is my conclusion to that.
Sure I attended the New School of Colour on Monday, but I wasn’t there to socialize. I only showed up to paint. Prior to making an appearance, I was saying to myself; “To go, or not to go. That is the question. That is always the question.” It took a lot just to motivate myself to leave the house.
That question pops up a lot lately, especially when it comes to events. “Do I really want to surround myself with people?” Not really.
Other than all that, I have been painting more at home. It temporarily takes my mind off things. Plus since I haven’t landed an actual job in London, I’ve been here for over a decade. I figure why bother trying to mold into your world? Your world sucks. Besides, it’s just not happening. So I might as well just do what I do, and that is art. I’m at a fuck-it-all point when it comes to society and the people in it. I’m just gonna do what the fuck I’m good at, fuck society, and their lame rules and expectations. I will paint and paint until my stone cold heart is content.
So 2015 has started off rather dark, but perhaps it’s only necessary. Pain tends to be what transforms a person. For better or for worse, I don’t know. One thing I can say is, no matter what, I’m going to keep it real and stick to honesty and truth. – Pooks
“The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.”- Aristotle
NOW FOR THE VISUALS…