The End

Hi again.
So now that we supposedly patch things up over the weekend. My supposed man is now creating various social media accounts. Kinda creepy. Considering he’s not all that interested in social media. But I guess he wants to find my last blog post as a reason to get upset again. Even though we’re supposedly on good terms, let’s go find something regarding our past to dwell on and get pissy all over again! So yeah, we’re not 100% okay. Things are still a bit rocky.
Not to mention these sudden new accounts come across as being controlling and possesive. Ya know? Stalk me online to make sure I stay in line or something.
I’m allowed to think. I’m allowed to feel what I feel. And I am allowed to fuckin express it!
So all these new accounts online kinda shows that I am not trusted. Without trust we have nothing. But he says he’s just curious to what I am saying.He probably won’t like what he sees. But hey! As I told others, if you don’t like what you’re reading, and you know it’s about you, then be a positive in my life. Not a negative.
Yes I may use my exes past behavior as a prime example of everything I don’t want. And maybe having alcohol and a baby in the house is triggering some shit. A part of me is terrified things will just repeat itself and I will lose another child to another white man. Even though I AM the sober and drug-free one.
Ya know? Before our daughter was born, I thought I would be okay with this supposed “casual” or “social” drinking thing. But clearly I’m not. It throws me in for a loop of fear, and paranoia.
However, over the weekend, my supposed man didn’t drink, and he spent time with his daughter. After I dumped him of coarse. Then he’ll straighten up. But I guess supposedly, I need to speak up, and not be afraid to ask for help. I shouldn’t have to ask. And what if its not help I need. I just wanted him to spend time with his daughter. He should be willing to take time out of his day for his daughter regardless. His time is more valuable than anything he has to offer, or that his money can buy. She, or anyone for that matter, values moments. Moments create memories. Memories can be cherished and are more meaningful than any material thing.
Perhaps years of being on and off OW taught me that. Poverty taught me that.  The Ark and the people I met there taught me that, including the homeless.
So yeah. Thank him for spending time with his daughter this weekend. That was all I wanted. If he has been before, and I just didn’t notice. Sorry. I’m just expressing my perspective, and from what I saw, it was like we were avoided.
As for the constant cleaning, we came to the conclusion that it is his OCD.So yeah, if I don’t speak up, he will just continue to constantly clean because it is never ending. I mean, the sink will just refill with dishes, laundry will just re-pile. Makes sense. Since before our daughter was even born, the only way I could get his attention away from housework, was sex. And look what happened. We now have a daughter, and it’s not like our daughter can do the same to distract him for time. So yeah, the chores can wait sometimes. Or as he displayed this weekend, he can do chores and spend time with our daughter at the same time. Ya know? It is possible. He had put her swing in the kitchen, and as he did chores, she sat on her swing and watched him. Maybe one day, she’ll woddle over and try to help. Lol
Anyways, apparently a rehabilitation Centre from Toronto called him at work today…They talked and say he doesn’t have a drinking problem…That’s reassurring. However when we were arguing about it, he’ll sure defend that shit. And when I told him that I wanted alcohol out for good, what did he do? He stormed out of the room. That really upset him.
But he did come back and say that he wouldn’t be able to afford alcohol anyways if we move to this new place together. It would be like a fresh start. So I am giving him another chance.
However, if we end up arguing about alcohol there. That’s it. I’ll put a stop to it quick and leave with our daughter. She doesn’t need to be in the middle of that. Nor do my other 2 children. So yeah, he’s been warned.
As for his older sister. She just made it awkward for herself the next time we come face to face, because now I know how she really feels about me and my man and I’s daughter. Saying she’s not his. Or “doesn’t even look like him”. So she thinks I’m a slut or something eh?! HA! Let’s see if she can say it to my face next time. If you ask me, she’s the stupid one to think my man wouldn’t tell me. Smh.
Anyways, with this new place we plan on moving into together…yes the budget will be tight. My man ( or supposed man. Whatever. Things are still a bit rocky) says he won’t be able to afford to drink, and to make ends meet he may have to take extra jobs. So yeah. I want to help keep things afloat. But like I said many times, London doesn’t hire natives. So I got to think of another way of making income, besides my art. Which sells the odd time. It’s not stable income. I was thinking of being a surveyer. Actually I made an attempt, but that wasn’t working. As I was trying to fill out a survey, my daughter would swat at my cell phone and close the survey. So perhaps being a surveyer with a squirmy baby with energy isn’t the thing for me.
My man suggested a home business. Refurbishing hardwood furniture, and even painting art on them. Maybe, but even that will take time to get the ball rolling.
So I was thinking, another way would be to get paid to write. Either I can get paid to continue to blog. This could be the last one here, and I could start a new domain, a continuation, where subscribers pay, or donate. Not sure how things work business wise on WordPress… but I’ll look into it.
Or… The continuation will come in the form of a book that maybe I could sell on Amazon. I published a book before, on Lulu, and yeah. I don’t make anything off it.
Either way, this may be the last blog post here.
I enjoy writing, so yeah. It’s worth a shot.
And maybe, just like my son, change scares me. I have lived in this house for 5 years, and now I have no choice but to leave. I got comfortable and cozy here, but it is unsafe, and it’s a health hazzard. So yeah. It’s another one of those times where I leap into the unknown. But if I hadn’t leaped before, I wouldn’t have come across the New School of Colour, and that place provided me with a wonderful healing experience. So yeah, good things could be coming if I take another leap.
Soon it will be; Good bye EOA!, and hello to a new beginning. -Pooks

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Combined is A lot

Long time no see.

I’ve been basically recovering from the side effects of all the antibiotics I was put on for a while. thank goodness, at my last doctors appointment, I was told that I can stop taking them. Seriously, they made me feel like shit. And I didn’t really want to take them anymore anyways, because as a pregnant mama, I should be gaining weight, not losing weight. And well… with all the vomiting and diarrhea… I was starting to feel like a walking corpse.

Anyways, I still need to pick up iron pills, because since all that, I have an iron deficiency, and I’m not getting enough protein. Well duuuh!! Those meds wouldn’t let me keep any food within my system for long. But then again, anemia isn’t new. I’m always tired and groggy. Hence the reason why before my pregnancy I drank so much coffee. I can at least feel somewhat awake temporarily because of the caffeine. Well, now that I’m pregnant, I don’t really drink coffee as much anymore, unless it’s diluted with more milk than coffee.

Anyways, Not this past weekend, but the weekend prior, I was supposed to have a 4 hour visit with my kids but had to cancel due to my health condition at that time. I wasn’t going anywhere, unless I was close to a washroom. And walking out and about for 4 hours, that wasn’t going to happen. Not with how frequently I was running to a washroom. It was insane.

Last week I got to return home, try to recover, as my man packed his stuff at his place and moved. It was a good thing too, because apparently my man’s brother and his girlfriend got jumped and beat within that area. Not cool. Hopefully they are okay. Sounds like they got pretty banged up.

Umm… my man and I were invited to his mothers for Thanksgiving. But…I didn’t really want to go. Especially after that dispute my man’s mother and I had over C.A.S. She was kinda snooping into territory which really isn’t any of her business, that history/ battle was between me and my ex. So no, I don’t appreciate when people snoop into my past like that. It kinda put a damper on any possible trust that could have been built. Ya know? I have trust issues enough as is. So trying to force me to discuss things or bring up a dark time that nearly killed me in more ways than one, not good. There’s a reason I don’t talk about my past. I’m not there anymore, and I’d rather keep it that way. I understand, she’s only inquiring because she’s concerned for her son. Well, worrying only creates unnecessary fear. I’m not worried. That shit went down 5 years ago. Besides, even my ex said; no worries. I’ve held onto this home for 4 to 5 years. The only thing he can see them being concerned about is my psychological health, and I think that has improved over the years. I am in a healthier relationship. I’m not all depressed. I’m more grateful these days. And as for the cleanliness thing, I have a man that is teaching me to be more organized. Not to mention, my man is a bit of a clean freak. He likes to keep things orderly, and organized. Having things scattered all over the place kinda drives him nuts. Also, since we have puppies., we kinda got to keep things tidy, otherwise our mini paper shredder, one of the puppies, will chew it all up. So yeah, “cleanliness” can be scratched right off the list of concerns. So nyeh! 😛 Heck! I’m even waking up at 5am-6am in the mornings now. Instead of going to sleep at 6am. So yeah, I’d like to think that mentally my mind is in a much better place.

So yeah, Thanksgiving, we won’t be going out of town. Besides, in the past, my ex didn’t trust me taking the kids out of town then, I’m pretty sure that is still the same. Ya know? He had a fear I’d just pick them up and leave. But no, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not my ex. But, that was something my ex was concerned about then, ya know? If he doesn’t want the kids to travel with me, then they won’t. He is the primary care-giver. Might as well respect that.

Not to forget that the last time my kids were around that side of my mans family, they were severely uncomfortable. So yeah, why put them into that kind of situation again?

So we’ll be having Thanksgiving at home, with my kids, and a friend. We’ll have our own little gathering. A small group of us won’t be as overwhelming as a large group of strangers to my kids.I think they are more comfortable with smaller crowds anyways.

It’s been a busy couple weeks, I mean with my man moving in, which he is fully moved in now. Thanks to the peeps that helped him move, he couldn’t have done it without you!

It’s so weird, but nice to hear him call this place home.We still got quite a bit of work organizing our stuff. Our stuff combined is a lot, so we will need to down-size and decide what we’ll be keeping, and what goes. So yeah, the place is currently cluttered, but it’s getting better gradually as the days go by.

Health wise, I think those meds finally wore off. So yeah, feeling much better than I was. But now I’m coming down with a cold. Ughh… All that freakin puking and shit probably lowered my immune system, and voila! Catch a cold just like that. So yeah, from one thing to the next. But I think a cold will be much more tolerable.

Anyways, I won’t be cancelling my next visit with my children. So I’m excited for the weekend, and carving pumpkins, and whatever else we do. I think my daughter will be happy to see that the puppies are here. Chewie, Spaz, and their mom, Molly,  (shitzus) all love the backyard.

So yeah, excited for this next chapter in my life.

Oh yeah, my next ultrasound will be in early November, and that will be when we find out the sex of our baby. Very exciting! No matter what the sex of the baby is, my man says that he or she will be raised to be a Turkey Warrior. Haha! A pro at hunting turkeys.

Newho, I think that’s enough writing for today. Peace and Love! – Pooks

“My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.”

– Steve Maraboli

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Because Here It Is!

Well hello again!

It’s been a little over a week, so yeah I’m kinda late with this post. But that’s okay, because here it is….finally.

Umm… I’m not sure what to write, as usual. But yeah yeah, whatever, just type.

Okay, so a while back my man and I met a 65 year old woman outside the Beer Store. Anyways, she invited us over, and yeah… Won’t be going back there again. No, I wasn’t drinking, but I seemed to have been surrounded by people that were. That was kind of amusing to say the least.

Anyways, our first impression of this woman, we thought she was interested in hanging out with us because we are an interracial couple. And well…she’s part black, part native, and part white. At first she seemed cool, kinda sarcastic and giggly. But.. when we got to her place, I don’t know. Suddenly, I felt like I was put into that freakin position where people assume I’m a psychiatrist or something just because I’m a quiet person. Honestly, I fuckin hate that. I mean, a good 15 years of my life was spent listening to someone bitch. I’m kinda done with that shit. Nothing like being bombarded with a shit load of venting and negativity. After awhile, in these situations, I just wanna say; what the fuck are you grateful for?! Ya know?! Tell me something positive and good. Freakin switch it up a bit and change your damn attitude. Fuck! How and why do I attract these kind of people?! It gets a little frustrating after awhile.

I mean, I do understand her frustration and anger regarding racism, and discrimination. You know? The whole alienation thing. I get it. Not really fitting anywhere. But, you don’t see me ranting about this shit to random people either. It’s stuff I write about. If people want to read my rants or any other crazy freakin thoughts, by all means. I leave it up to my readers. It’s not forced in your fuckin face.

Not only that, but she seemed to have some abandonment issues. Trying to tell me my man is just going to up and leave me eventually, because “all men do” in her opinion. Well… I honestly don’t need someone like that filling that kind of shit in my head. Ya know? Just because she had problems in her past with men, doesn’t mean that my man is the same. I refuse to believe that. He’s been absolutely amazing as a boyfriend, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Another thing, apparently her son, whom was also there, is a friend or acquaintance of my ex. And well… I try to keep our crowds separate. So another reason why we won’t be going back. Ya know? Both my man and I agree, we need more positive, optimistic people in our lives, especially with the baby on the way.

Anyways, onto other things. I missed my Leads appointment apparently, but I was kinda focused and excited for my babies first ultrasound. So yeah, any other plans during last week kinda went out the window. Minus the visit with muh other babies, of coarse I’m going to be there for them.

I had my visit with my children shortly after my ultrasound, so that was a good day. And now that I am a little past 12 weeks pregnant, maybe I won’t have to worry about the morning sickness and nausea as much. For awhile, that was kicking my ass. Good times. Haha!

Newho, we still don’t know the sex of the baby, and are still undecided about the name were going give our child. My daughter is hoping for a baby sister, and my son is hoping for a baby brother. Either way, I’ll be happy. I mean, my partner and I kind of giggled because we said our baby already sounds like royalty with both our last names combined; King- Wuytenburg. ❤

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm.. My visit with my kids went well. Even though it was kind of a rainy wet day. So their father gave me some money to take them to an internet cafe kind of place, called Gamerz Block. It was pretty cool. My kids got to play games online for an hour, and during that time, we stayed dry. The workers there were really friendly, and helpful. So yeah, it was a good evening with my children.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Other than that, we’ve managed to move some of my man’s belongings to my place. Slowly but surely the move is getting done. Of coarse, no heavy lifting for me, but I do what I can.

As for today, I kinda wanted to get out of my mans apartment for the day. So here I am, at home, blogging. There’s going to be people, possible future tenants viewing his apartment today, and yeah, I didn’t want to stick around. That would just be awkward. I would feel like a zoo animal on display or something while this takes place. So yeah, I got out of there temporarily.

Oh yeah, I can’t remember the exact day it was. But my man pampered me for a day. He surprised me with Rainbow Trout, Cheese Cake, and even got me a Detroit Red Wings cap. Ya know? Just because. Yeah, I’m lucky to have someone love me so much.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Not to mention that he’s proud to be becoming a father. I mean, he shows off the ultrasound pictures to as many people as he can. It’s cute.

Hard to believe it’s happening, but soon we will be sharing the same roof, as a family. He says our home will be a happy home, filled with lots of love. So yeah, looking forward to it all. I love his optimism.

Next summer we plan to have a kick-ass garden in the backyard. That’s going to be awesome. Who knows what else?!

Anyways, I gotta move stuff around the house, to make room for other stuff. I know, I know. Be careful, and don’t over do it. Hope you enjoyed the read! Until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

– William Shakespeare

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©