Blog day! And there are a few things that are on my mind, completed unrelated to each-other. So I guess the question is, where to begin.
Things are going good with the visits with my kids, but as I’ve mentioned before there are some annoying things I have to put up with when it comes to my ex. Such as he thinks he knows me so well, or his idea of me, yeah that gets really annoying. He clearly doesn’t know me at all. Obviously. I mean, he was trying to tell me that I was all devastated when I turned 30 years old. That I was all miserable about aging and that I was trashed on my 30th birthday. First off, he wasn’t there, so who the fuck is he to say what happened, he doesn’t have the slightest clue. Secondly, whoopidee shit. I’m in my 30’s. Thanks to my Mama, Elizabeth King, for good genes, no one believes I’m 31 half the time anyways. Haha! I’m always getting I.D’ed at convenient stores. I guess the way I dress doesn’t help. I like to play with both “genders roles” when it comes to how I dress. Half female, half male… I’m pretty sure I’ve made my fascination with androgyny apparent. Thank you Diana Thorneycroft! Ever since I saw her photography back in high-school, I have seen androgyny as an art. I see nothing but beauty within in it.
Anyway, yeah, I’m pretty sure I blogged what happened on my 30th birthday here on WordPress. I was invited for dinner with 2 very sweet Christian friends of mine, whom eventually moved out to Saskatchewan. They made me a steak dinner, baked an awesome cake, we played around on the acoustic guitar, and yeah, we had some Crown Royal and Coke, but didn’t get plastered as my ex likes to assume. He doesn’t know, and has never met these fabulous friends of mine, so he has no right to say shit about their character. Let alone mine, considering our contact got cut off around that time. Thank god, because I was getting verbally abused through text messages by my ex. So it was a good thing I lost my cell, and all contact was cut off for a period of time. I has given time to actually heal so to speak.
Normally, I don’t drink. My thing is normally coffee. If I’m an addict of anything, it is caffeine. But lately, I’ve had a couple nights out with a friend that is visiting for the summer, a former co- facilitator of the New School of Colour. Matter of fact, she will be opening up and facilitating on Wednesdays starting next week, just for the month of August. Anywho, no I didn’t get plastered, my limit is 3 beers. Not what my ex called ” a beer” either. He used to call one of those large bottles “a beer”, which is like 3 in one. Whatever. I had a nice happy buzz at the St. Regis Tavern. On our second night there, after meeting up for coffee at Fire Roasted Coffee Company and creating some art ( I experimented and surprised myself drawing with the opposite hand), I got to watch her perform with her ukelele. Even the New School of Colour’s/ Old East Village media dude came out. That was cool. Lots of fun. There was lots of talent there during Open Mic Night.
I mean, my ex acts like I’m this social drunk person. But no, I’m an introverted hermit. I’m indoors, in my home majority of the time. I think the world is overwhelming and chaotic, and to avoid any anxiety, I normally stay in. Unless, I’m invited out by familiar people I know. I guess I’m like a vampire that way. You have to invite me first. Unless you are Julie or Ducky, whom, I visit spontaneously without notice. Haha!
Anyway, enough about that. I could explain myself 1000’s times, but my ex will just continue to think what he thinks. He has convinced himself that I am someone I am not. That’s his problem. It’s all in your head nut bar!
Newho, enough about him and his nonsense. It’s out of my system, let’s carry on!
My friend visiting from Montreal has asked a rather interesting question, what is it about creating art with other people? I guess she wants to pin point on that energy that takes place within the New School of Colour, and places like it. I do admit, creating art on my own, say at home, is a lot different than it is surrounded by other artists. But than again, at home alone, motivation can be a struggle. Even inspiration mind you. I mean, I was going to paint on the lid of a tin cookie container. I painted it black, and that was it. I hit a dead end. Haha! Although at the New School of Colour, idea’s tend to flow more easy. That might be because I am surrounded by art, and inspired by it. Not only that, but when you’re alone, idea’s can become stagnant. What I mean by stagnant is, you produce what you know, rather than actually pushing yourself to create something more challenging. In an environment where there is constant creating, there is that opportunity to learn from others around you, and grow. Hence, why I once defined the New School of Colour as a garden within an artist statement of mine, and why I keep returning. I’ve been going since 2011, and the artists there just keep improving at their own pace. It truly is magical to see. As for motivation, we all become fans of each-others work, there is a lot of encouragement and praise that takes place within it. Each artist plays a role of inspiration. Even if you don’t think you’re that experienced, you could be inspiring to another artist within that studio. It doesn’t have to be the art. It could be the stages, the progress, the amount of effort put into your work, the passion. There is no doubt, that it is a positive environment, and I probably just touched base on the tip of it’s nose. There is a lot more to it, that energy that takes place, to define. I think to have an art therapist explore more on that, would be interesting to see. The information they gather from it all. I am just one perspective, one artist. There is a lot more perspectives to see through in our underground art studio. It’s quite amusing that our studio is underground, it’s like our secret little hide out. We go in and gather in our basement studio down under, and we come out splashing the community with art!
Besides all that, this month is almost over, and I will soon be back on Ontario Works, because the Dean of Art and Humanities at the University thinks I need to focus on my mental health, and what not. “I am happy to see that you are now seeking support, but I do believe that you to resolve the issues that have plagued you before you return to school rather than during your time at school. For this reason, and the fact that little was done to address your difficulties at the time they arose, I have to deny your petition..” Haha! “Resolve”. That’s cute. Dude! I’ve been passed on from councilor to councilor ever since I was 6 years old. Now, if those “professionals” couldn’t help me “resolve” whatever is supposedly wrong with me, it’s likely it’s not going to be resolved. It’s permanent. It’s just finding what will help me cope through my waves of anxiety and depression without being doped up on prescribed drugs. I refuse to go there.
The whole, I am NOW seeking support. Sure I may not be consistent. But don’t tell me I’m not seeking support, I have. For years mind you, it’s not just a recent thing. Not to mention, when you get that freakin depressed, to the point your shutting the world out, it’s not an easy thing to suddenly snap out of. But then again, this guy clearly doesn’t understand anything regarding mental health issues.
Not to mention, that the way the economy is headed, and the global issues of today. There’s going to be more people experiencing anxiety and depression. It is becoming a norm, because technically, we are all in danger. Our own leaders and governments are putting us in that position, poisoning our food with chemicals, destroying our natural resources with oil and fracking. Our own disgusting prime minister approving genocide in another country. It doesn’t matter what race, or religion they are, it’s humans killing humans. Not only that, but humans exterminating defenseless humans, children. That is horrific. And if that has no affect on you as a human being, than what the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, you’d think people would have evolved from past events of genocide, the outcome, the consequences. Have you people not learned fuck all from what happened to your Canadian Indigenous people? You’re just going to create more people like me that cannot conform into your system, but will be accepted by fellow outcasts, rebels and freaks. You’ll just create a growing enemy.
But no, by all means. Stigmatize me. Act like there’s a cure. There isn’t. Leaders are the problem.
“the extracurricular activities you undertook don’t appear excessive”
For someone with anxiety, yeah it was. I was on the board of directors, I was a volunteer at The Arts Project, my schedule with my children’s visits changed to weekends, I dropped some of those things so that I could focus more on my studies. But I guess I’m suppose to drive myself like a slave until I’m to drained to properly look after my kids, or want to continue to create art. Right? I didn’t let go of the New School of Colour, sorry, that keeps me sane so to speak. It is my voice in a way. But I don’t expect a person so conditioned into the system to understand that. A sheep is driven by money, convinced they NEED money to live. Fuck the money, that’s not what you need to live. You need your natural resources, DUH!! But not only that, you need each-other! Stop killing off your fellow humans for petty fuckin reasons. It’s stupid. Money makes people stupid. Ughhh! It’s sickening. Yeah, I’d rather call myself an alien.
I got off track there. But yeah, what may be too much for one person, may not be too much for the next. But I guess this Dean cannot comprehend that.
The Dean was my art history teacher, the pop culture and media half of the course during Fall/Winter 2013. And as I explained before, he didn’t teach as well as the women do at the university. Just because you move your hands it doesn’t mean you’ll keep the class engaged. Not to mention, in the first class he said “Capitalists decide what art is.” And yeah, I was repulsed and I highly disagree with that sentence. The artist will not only tell you what art is, but they will show you. Too much credit is given to the Capitalists. Fuck them!
Anyway, that e-mail didn’t say anything about when I could register again. Hopefully in 2015. At least I was able to improve my mark in Sociology. In the mean time, back onto Ontario Works. I’ll continue to see my psychologist at the University. Speaking of which, I will have to re-book. I missed the last appointment because that e-mail got me rather distraught. Emotionally, I needed the time to cope with that disappointment. Thank my friend for inviting me out, it’s shown me, that positive experiences can still be had even after receiving bad news. It’s not the end of the world, and I can still make the best out of life.
Onto OW, and job searching I guess. Back to square one. Some volunteering, maybe get some kind of art related part-time job I could tolerate. I’m not going to be able to support having my kids on weekends with just OW alone. So time to start thinking of places I could possibly apply to. I admit, I have lacked effort in job searching before. I like to live spontaneously, so a job restricts that to the bore of repetition. Partly why I despise dishes so much. It’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t look forward to it. There is no creativity in repetition. My mind likes to wonder, explore, and try new things. Restrains, I don’t like restrains period. But you know what they say, one door closes, another opens. I just need to find it. – Pooks
“The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.”