Rainbow Ninja Revolution

No notes of deep thoughts this week. I haven’t really jotted anything down, and it seems like the weeks just fly by! Unless something miraculously pops to mind as I write, but we’ll see. I think I’ll just try to review my week.

Last Friday was boring. I was cleaning, and yeah. I don’t think there is anything amusing or stimulating about that routine of repetition. It gets very challenging for me to keep going and not wonder on to do something else. My mind craves intellectual stimulation that is obviously not there in such tasks such as dishes, and other house chores. So yeah, it’s a struggle to stay focused. Music helps a bit, but not for long. So that was my Friday, an internal battle with myself.

Saturday… I was 7 minutes late to Merrymount. But that was nothing compared to how late my ex and our children were. I’m to be there for 9:45am. They are to be there for 10am. I guess they slept in, and they were 3 hours late. So I had some time to kill, obviously. Normally I take my kids grocery shopping after I pick them up from Merrymount. But I got the shopping done on Friday. So to kill time I decided to pick up some treats. That way, after the exchange, my kids and I can just hop on a bus and go straight to my place.

It was the Easter weekend, and we didn’t really do any celebrating. No scavenger hunts, no Easter treats. The treats I got them were things they normally pick out when we do our grocery shopping. I think I just wanted to focus on gratitude and enjoying each-others company. Ya know? I’m not really religious anyways. Spiritual in a way, but not religious. Spiritual when it comes to my art, and when it comes to nature… Besides, I think I mentioned before, maybe last year, about how Easter was originally a Pagan holiday that the Christians punked and claimed and molded/made some changes  into their own “beliefs”. So what does that tell you about modern religion? I don’t know what that tells you, but that tells me that modern religion is a bunch of b.s.

But whatever. My children are in a Catholic school, so if they believe, they believe. I’ll respect that.

But as for myself, I believe religion is just an illusion used for mind control. It’s amazing when you start to question things how many people in society, and social institutions battle for your mind. That becomes very apparent when you start questioning and doubting the things around you. It’s kinda creepy and amusing at the same time.

Anyways, my daughter and I usually do an art activity during our visits. We didn’t paint on egg shells, but we did however paint on snail shells. They turned out looking pretty cool. I don’t know, I got curious if a snail would reclaim the shell if it’s shell were painted on. And would the bright colours on the shells make it more susceptible as prey, or would it confuse and startle their predators and be an advantage? I’ll never know. My daughter decided she wanted to hold onto the snail shells until winter. The snails can have them back when it get’s cold out. Lol

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Normally there’s some bickering, and sibling rivalry between my son and daughter. But this past weekend when they were playing a computer game based on balancing called Sweetland, I challenged them to work as a team. One controls the right key, the other controls the left key, and yeah we got some giggles from that. It was cool to see them trying to work together to pass the levels.

Sunday just flew by. Seemed like I was always cooking, or something. Time just flew. By the time I actually got a chance to sit down and play after breakfast, getting to take their showers, lunch, getting them changed into the clothes they came in, it was like there was only an hour to play. Time just went poof! But we did get a game of Freeze tag/ hide n’ seek in at the bus stop. Play on our way back.

Monday I decided to get crafty on my own, and I brought in what I created to the New School of Colour on Wednesday evening. I had seen this crafty project on Pinterest, of turning toilet paper rolls into ninjas. Well, since we call everyone at the New School of Colour a “Rainbow Ninja”, I made rainbow ninja’s. All that I need now are straws for their belts, and bo staffs. Another artist said she’d bring some in next week. Yaaaay!

It was funny because I stashed them on one of the shelves that holds some of our art supplies. Newho, one artist didn’t even notice them at first until I said “Oh no! You knocked one over!” And then another artist came by and he asked her if she was scared, and she was like “Of what?” and he pointed to the ninjas on the shelf. That got a giggle.

Upstairs, an artist came up to me and asked if I had anything to do with the ninja revolution downstairs. Haha! Absolutely! 😉 I mean, we no longer have our beloved chalkboard that had #RainbowNinjaCoalition written on it. So there needs to be something that makes that statement.

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Back track a little bit, Tuesday at the New School of Colour I’ve been learning how to matte and frame. Thanks to the artist that walked me through that process, one of the pieces I painted at home is now framed, and safely stored at a his place. The piece looks completed and fabulous all matted and framed!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Wednesday I did return to my oil painting. It seems like that one corner is taking me forever. But after the art session, I went for coffee at a friends place along with another friend. And the artist that helped me matte and frame was teaching me to mix paint. Umm… Mixing opposites. Since I have challenged myself not to use black from the tube of paint on my current painting, and to shade without it. He loves to teach. I love to learn. I mean, I’m a visual and hands on learner, and that’s exactly how he teaches me. That’s awesome! It was a productive evening, along with some caffeine and chocolate induced giggles of coarse. What was the Ark thinking when they gave me a bag of chocolate eggs? They should know better by now. Haha!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Newho, I am grateful to learn lots of new things lately. I’ll be able to take what I have learned and put that into my work next week. I’ll be able to achieve the contrast that I seek. Yaaay!

Also, I’ll be preparing some matte board for another future project. It’ll be a big one. We found some cabinet door frames last week on the curb which would make excellent frames. My friend who has been teaching me a lot lately has an oval wooden frame that used to have a mirror within it. We’re thinking that can go between the two cabinet frames. So it will be 3 pieces together, creating one big piece. So yeah, I’m excited of the many possibilities when it comes to that. Just let the imagination soar!

And here we are today. No specific plans, only that it is blog day, and here it is! I hope you enjoyed reading, and I’ll be back at again next week! – Pooks

“Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.”

– Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

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Observations of an Idealist

Okie dokie. Blog day!

I think I’ll start off with some thoughts here and there that I have been thinking about. One recent, one I jotted down on paper. Then I’ll review and reflect on my week. Here it goes…

So I went to The Ark for dinner ( I’m saving the food I have at home for my kids), and Sanctuary was volunteering. I don’t know who was the volunteer wearing the dark grey sweater, red shirt, and red ball cap, but he was just being a dink. An elderly man that usually comes down to the New School of Colour to socialize asked for shrimp, and not the pasta. They were mixed together in a pasta salad. Anyway, this guy was like, “Really?” Then he was trying to tell the other volunteer to not to serve him. Or only give him 2 shrimps. Really?!! You’re gonna deny a guy in need of food?! And did you ever think that maybe there is a reason some of the people specifically ask for one thing and not the other? Some people do that if they have allergies!! No need to be stingy . There’s not many people there at this time of month, so there is plenty to go around!! Yeah, I wasn’t impressed with that guy. Luckily for this respected regular, I gave him the shrimp I got because I don’t normally eat shrimp. Not a fan of the texture. Newho, he appreciated that and chowed down.

Moving on…to the things I wrote down on paper… let me find my notes. Yes. I actually wrote some notes this time! Haha!

I was thinking how some online activists say they don’t, or won’t, post meaningless, worthless posts like “you” do. They normally say that when someone has a different perspective aside from their own. There is a flaw in that. I mean they are trying to reach the people, but abuse and belittle the people instead. So what they are trying to achieve is compromised by behaving just like the people they are fighting against, the capitalists.

I mean, FB posts, tweets, whichever social media you use, those are your thoughts or things you relate to that you share. So they do have sentimental value. Your thoughts matter, and anyone  that says they don’t are wrong and pig-headed. Shame on these activists for being so bias, for thinking they are better, smarter and superior than others based on what they post via social media.

Besides, majority of these online activists don’t really share their thoughts or interpretations, they just share articles. Thus, being an echo of someone else’s thoughts that is not their own.

Not to mention, if they were so “intelligent”, than they would at least notice their own behavior as abusive and non-effective. But they just keep repeating the same bullshit whenever someone disagrees with their opinion.

They act like the religious organizations, and other social institutions, as they try to force their thoughts to become your thoughts. There is no respect or acceptance for anyone that may question or think differently.

That is a huge problem in this world, and they aren’t making it any better.

Perhaps these activists need to take a different approach regarding communication if they really want to make a difference. Is behaving like your enemy going to get you the results you desire? No. Just the continuation of this vicious violent abusive cycle. Not very peaceful, is it?

Hence why I backed out of activism, especially around here. There must be a better way to reach others without force and abuse.

I can only hope the things I do in my life-time inspire others to do some kind of positive action.

Language, verbal, and written communication does have it’s barriers. We don’t all speak the same native tongue. And online or text communication often leads to a lot of misunderstandings. But as an artist, I know one form of communication that is universal, and that is through imagery. Which is probably why I’d rather put more focus into my art, than be another ranting online activist trying to shove my opinion down your throats.

Yeah, I once admired their efforts, and their cause, but after so many abusive interactions, I’ve had enough. That is not progress. Besides, The best thing for me, or anyone really,  is to take myself out of abusive situations. Until they see that for themselves, and try something different, than no progress will be made.

Besides, I like to post whatever the fuck I want via. social media. Not just bad news. I like to think of myself as silly, fun, and spontaneous like a Jester. I can make people laugh, smile, lift spirits, and inspire. I feel like I lose that part of me focusing only on the negatives in this world. There are positive things too, you just need to seek them out.

Yes, the Capitalists are sick, twisted, greedy scum. But I won’t allow their bullshit to turn me into a bitter person. I know I am stronger than that.

Now onto my review of my week… the personal life of Pooks.

I should probably start off with last Friday, when I had a 4 hour visit with my children outdoors. It was a cold day, but I think we did our best to make the best of it. We tried go park hopping, but that didn’t quite work out. I didn’t have the proper footwear to be out on a field of wet grass. Cold wet feet, not good. So instead, we went into the conservation area. It was less cold in there since the trees kind of sheltered us from the wind. The paths were mostly ice, so I didn’t have to worry about getting a soaker. We had fun, chasing each-other down the trails.

Saturday, that was soup and sandwich night at The Ark. I went there the friend I’ve reunited with. Somewhere within the week, we went a couple walks downtown. We even went for this long hike for Vanilla Coke, but got mocha’s instead. I’ve missed her over the years, and it’s good to have her back in my life. It’s good to have my walking buddy back, and we just go on random adventures. It’s always fun.

On Tuesday, during a Leads appointment, we were figuring out what kind of learner I am. Which I think I am both a hands on, and visual learner. I also did a personality test, and once again my result was… the Idealist. INFP- Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling Perceiving. Not surprised. That’s result I get for every personality test I do. I believe that’s the same result I got 2-3 years ago. Still the same! If your interested on reading the portrait of an INFP, the link is provided below ( It makes me laugh because I do in fact relate to the result) :

https://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

In the possible career selection for an INFP, it listed the following jobs; Writers, Counselors/Social Workers, Teachers/ Professors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Musicians, Clergy/Religious Workers. It makes sense with the writer thing. Heck, I’m blogging right now. Umm.. my worker suggested maybe to try teaching, but yeah, I said I don’t feel courageous or confident enough for that yet. I’m not very good at explaining things vocally, let alone to a crowd. Large crowds usually give me anxiety. I don’t think I can do the psychologist, or psychiatric thing, I would be absorbing too much negativity. And yeah, that’s never pretty. Haha! A social worker? maybe, that depends. For what cause? Hahaha! So yeah, some possibilities to ponder.

After my Leads appointment, a friend took me out for lunch to Crabby Joe’s. That was a nice way to spend the afternoon. Thanks to my friend that took me out that day!

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Umm… Lately at the New School of Colour, I haven’t really been working on my painting, but more so learning from others. This week an artist came in and showed me how to do this really neat effect with ink, and a glossy coating for texture. The result was amazing!

Art by Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

Art by Pooks. All Rights Reserved. All Photos Property of Pauline King Shannon (Pooks) ©

That is not the only thing I’ve been learning this week. But another artist from the New School of Colour is actually walking me through step by step on how to measure and cut the matte boards for framing instead of doing it for me. I get to learn how to do it myself…kinda. I kinda messed up the first time, but hey, that’s how we learn, trial and error. Haha! I’m starting to get that it isn’t really that technical, mostly fractions. I’m not that great at math, but hey, it’s good practice.

Afterwards I hung out at a friends apartment, along with another friend. We talked about art, and had a lot of laughs. It was a very inspiring night.

Today I was running errands in the rain, and I got myself new shoes. I had to get my shopping done before all the grocery stores close for the Easter holidays. So yes, I am prepared for this coming weekend when my kids spend a night over. I am looking forward to another awesome weekend!

Newho, this blog post is very very long. Apparently I had a lot to share. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading! – Pooks

“Living in a way that reflects one’s values is not just about what you do, it is also about how you do things.” – Deborah Day

Altering Out of the Blue

I know that it was suggested that maybe I should write about the police brutality going on in the world. But yeah, everybody else is doing that. Heck, it’s all over FB. And this blog is for the people that actually want to know what goes on in my head. So yeah, I’m gonna write about whatever the fuck I want. Whatever comes to mind. If you don’t approve, tough shit. These are my thoughts, and I take full responsibility for them.

It seems like a lot of these supposed suggestions or constructive criticism, if you want to call it that, just kind of belittles what I’m doing. Note, I don’t take criticism lightly. I tend to take things personally because I analyze and think over what has been said after the fact.  How does this criticism make me feel afterward? Do I feel good about it? Lately… no. That is not the case. My art for example, you “should” paint it like this. You can’t see what I envision in my head so stop trying to take control and power over my shit, and worry about your own shit. That includes this blog. That’s like telling me what to think, because that’s what this is basically, a narration of my thoughts.

It seems like people try so hard to be the one to direct me. Maybe you can’t. Maybe I’m just too fucked up. I don’t know. I think it’s insulting. And if they’re not doing that, they’re trying to do so discreetly, by using my blog as their form of resource. These are my thoughts, fuck off will ya?! It’s not illegal to think, so stop acting like it. Live your own damn life. Geez! It’s like the people that try to do this, are often people that don’t even have their own life in order. So yeah, fuck off!

Dark Pheonix - Artist Unknown. / I chose this picture just because it kinda depicts how I feel sometimes. Kinda like the Pheonix's rage from X-men, an enormous amount of energy. - Pooks

Dark Pheonix – Artist Unknown. / I chose this picture just because it kinda depicts how I feel sometimes. Kinda like the Pheonix’s rage from X-men, an enormous amount of energy. – Pooks

Anyway, onto other drama, yesterday at The Ark, I sat down for dinner with a group of friends. At least I thought they were my friends. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I haven’t really been considered a part of their group for awhile now. I don’t know. Anyway, I was sitting there talking to the guy beside me as he showed me his electronics. And the woman in the scooter that has been going to The Ark for years now, she was showing her craft stuff. So I started shooting off ideas. Making suggestions of possible future projects she could do. If anything, I was just trying to inspire her. And what does she do?? Oh everybody is too fuckin happy, time to cry and make it a pity party focused on her. And she snaps at me. What the fuck? I sure as hell didn’t deserve that. That was uncalled for. And if you ask me, I think she’s a manipulative, controlling, cunt. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. It’s like I can’t laugh around her. If I make others laugh, she will turn it into a moment where it’s about her. A time to be sad for her. I cannot stand that. I cannot stand people like that. So yeah, I got up, skipped my meal, and left the table. Fuck her bullshit!

You’d think she’d be happy for her friends are happy. Nope. Not her. That’s not allowed. You can only be happy when she’s happy. And I hate seeing my friends joy and laughter be robbed like that. But I guess that’s what they prefer. Good riddance then.

Today, I seen that someone I thought was a friend of mine since 2011 deleted me off of Facebook. Thanks, that says a lot of what kind of friend you are. So I deleted every picture I ever took of her over the years, and blocked her and her little group of friends, and her boyfriend. Obviously, I’m not a part of that group. Thanks for letting me know. Don’t I feel fuckin stupid for ever thinking I was?!

I don’t think I did anything wrong. But clearly Ducky seems to think so. I mean yeah, I expressed my frustration on FB regarding this other woman, not mentioning any names. I believe I’m allowed to do that. But once again, I’m shown, oh no no no, I’m not. Not like many people knew what the fuck, or who the fuck I was talking about. I guess it was too offensive for her pathetic sensitive little eyes, even though it’s not directed at her. Fuckin pathetic. It’s regarding this other woman she’s friends with, that clearly has a problem with me. I can’t do shit with out her bitching and complaining about it. But whatever, she supports this other friend, and not me, that couldn’t be made anymore apparent.

So the Christmas ritual is out of the question, that thing we did for a couple of years now. Gathering around Christmas for dinner, I am out. I’m not gonna go. Why go somewhere and celebrate with a fake ass friend? She’s more supportive to this manipulative bitch, then she is towards me. So yeah, fuck her. Fuck their Christmas dinner, Fuck going to the Vendors Fair at EVAC to support her craft shit. My Ducky shrine is going in the trash. If you can easily turn your back on a friendship like that, then yeah, your shit is trash to me.

No point in keeping in touch with Ducky’s circle of friends. No need to make it awkward for anyone else. So yeah, good-bye.

I have trouble maintaining friendships as is. This whole socializing thing is like a crash coarse to me. Note I was isolated majority of my life. So excuse me if I notice shit, and don’t understand why you do what you do to each-other. There is a reason I call myself an alien. I observe, and wonder what the fuck?! Or maybe I just like people less and less, I don’t know. I don’t like the controlling type, I don’t like the manipulative type, I don’t like people that just try to take advantage… I don’t like needy, selfish people. I prefer no restraints, especially after getting out of two  abusive relationships, one followed by another. Probably why I haven’t moved on into a new intimate relationship. I flat out don’t trust people. How the fuck can I?!

And that’s the thing…when I look at the bigger picture, it’s like 99% of the worlds population is being abused by the 1%. Now I already know that you cannot force someone out of that kind of “relationship”. Been there, tried that, on a more micro personal level. Doesn’t work. The person, or people, in this case have to be ready and willing. And unfortunately, a lot of the people are too scared to rise up. They fear the “consequence”. They fear the change. So yeah, majority of the population are cowards. They’ve been scared shitless by the people in power, all they do is hide in their homes.

That may be another thing. I have been changing over the years, I think my perspectives have altered in a way where I have been socializing more with activists that share the same concerns. So, maybe I have been drifting away from that circle of “friends”, and moving onto …something else.

This journey, wherever the fuck it’s taking me, can get pretty damn lonely sometimes. People don’t understand where the fuck I’m coming from. And even though I do feel alone sometimes, I know there are other people out there that can relate. It can feel hopeless and depressing at times.

I understand now that I am not the only one that experiences anxiety and depression by the outside world. It’s only natural to feel that way being forced into a system that only benefits the wealthy. The wealthy will try to stigmatize that, only because we aren’t delusional believing in their false illusions of their made-up world. We can see shit for what it really is. So the way I see it, there is nothing wrong with us, there is something wrong with them. They fooled themselves into thinking that this is the way it’s meant to be, and we are realizing that it’s bullshit.

You want me to rant about cops when I have not had any personal experience?! Thank goodness. Let’s hope that never happens, especially the way things are going, or have been going longer than we realize. All I have to go by is what you tell me, and the shit load of disturbing videos I see on FB. It’s a bit of a conflict for me. My Uncle was a cop, and yeah, I should be proud of that. But when I see that the majority of the people being beaten or killed by the police are people of colour, that tends to make it difficult to be proud of my Uncles past employment. He is retired now. But it just makes me think. How long has this been going on? Does it just seem more regular because of how easily things can spread worldwide through the web these days? I don’t think so. Something tells me this has been going on for longer than we think, we just weren’t as aware. Why is it the moment these officers put on a uniform, they forget that they too are human as well? Their just doing their job, right? The shit people do for money is stupid. Forget humanity, compassion, and empathy, leave your heart at home. Seriously, the shit all over social media of our officers not protecting and serving the people, more like beating and killing the people, is disturbing , discriminating and shouldn’t go on ignored. Why is it legal to do this? Why do cops get away with beating women, and men? Better yet, why do they get away with murder?

It’s that fuckin delusional division of social classes again. The higher you supposedly are, the more you get away with apparently. Money. I fuckin hate that shit. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t make you any better or privileged than any other human being. Get over yourselves, you fuckin nut cases! You’re still a human being, like it or not. You are as human as the next coloured person you see, the next homeless person you see, the next child, elder, gay, straight, female or male, so on and so forth You’re not that different. You do however have your own unique gift to offer to the world, but thanks to this fucked up system, you’d be lucky to even share that because you’re a slave to that selfish 1%. You allow them to continue to use, and abuse you for their own benefits.

As for the police uniforms, they seem to symbolize power, and yeah, officers are getting carried away and abusing that power. Maybe we should strip them and remind them they are human. But that idea probably would get people arrested for sexual assault, and the message wouldn’t get through. So screw that. It’s just a thought. And now it’s out there. Maybe it’ll get some of these people to actually think for a change.

But then again, as a native woman, it seems as though that I can’t trust the police, especially if that’s the way they are going to treat people of colour. I can’t trust doctors (they’ll accuse you of being a crackhead, when you really have a breast infection, and call C.A.S on your ass. That is a personal experience.), I cannot trust C.A.S ( Modern day residential schools if you ask me. Taking children away from their native roots) , the churches, the educational system, or any organization within the system. They are not here for me, they’re against me. At least, that’s what I have come to understand.

Newho, Getting sidetracked… I know, people would rather read about my personal life, rather than what i see out there. Whatever. I’m gonna write about whatever. And it will probably bounce around from thought to thought, because that’s just how my mind works. Deal with it.

With my efforts to socialize, and make friends, I struggle with the drama of other peoples lives. I don’t burden people with mine, but I guess not all people are like that. I don’t want my friends to suffer because I am suffering. I’m the kind of person that would rather make an effort to make people laugh, despite whatever fuckin shit I may be going through. That’s for me to figure out. And people say I’M SELFISH?! HA!! Maybe they need to look up that definition again.

So yeah…more bridges burned. Can’t really say I am the least bit surprised. I should be used to it by now. People come, and people go, as always. Very few stick around.

I’m not exactly the most popular, well liked person. I tend to make a lot of enemies at a rapid pace. Popularity was never my intention anyways. Although this identity as Pooks (the writer and artist) seems to be becoming well known more and more. Thank you by the way. I didn’t really think I was that interesting, but for some reason people read this, and follow.

So yeah, another shift in life. Wondering who the fuck really are my friends? And who isn’t? Some proven not to be. Thank you for that. Life has a funny way of altering out of the blue. – Pooks

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It’s all New

Hello again.

It’s been an interesting week I guess. Not only that, but for awhile there I was in this odd routine that was slightly off. Ya know? Almost right, but not quite regarding my sleeping schedule. For the past week or so I have been falling asleep earlier, and waking up at 4:30am. I’ve been loving it though. Actually being awake in the morning. In a way, it feels like my day is a bit longer. Like I bought myself time somehow. Especially since I was a night owl normally going to sleep at 4:30am, and waking up god knows when in the afternoon. So yes, the change is quite nice, although today I slept in til 6:30am. I think that’s more closer to the average person. That was just one of those things I wanted to tackle, my sleep schedule, and voila! It kinda worked out on it’s own. Sometimes I set my alarm, but I normally wake up on my own without it bright and early lately. As for staying up late, it would be amazing if I can stay awake past 11pm.

What else? Punctuality was something I also wanted to work on personally, and I’ve been surprising myself lately. Being on time for appointments, rather than late, and walking to my appointments rather than taking the bus. Strange how my own two feet are more reliable timing wise than a bus. But then again, that’s the fun part of being a pedestrian, you can take short cuts that vehicles can’t exactly. While they travel in a grid format, I can wonder on a diagonal.

At my last Leads appointment, we were going more over communication, and assertiveness. I admit, when it comes to the assertive part, it has been a struggle. It’s a trigger. In my mind, it’s like being assertive will lead to an assault. It signifies danger, and putting myself in danger. It’s happened a number of times before with the ex, my supposed mom… Some people just can’t take the word “no” for an answer. Or any opposing opinion or perspective for that matter. My worker told me that not all conflict is a negative, and that conflict can lead to progress. Something to think about. I normally just try to avoid it. Shut it out…walk away…

I re-connected with an art friend. She too had some things for me to ponder about lately. She was sharing her wisdom as a parent, a woman, an artist, and she’s another who has survived abuse… Anyway, she told me something that I’ve yet to wrap my head around when it comes to these abusive people I encounter in my life. “Love the person, deal with the behavior.”

So maybe it’s not the person I hate. It’s their behavior. Makes sense. But it is hard to see who they really are as people if they are behaving so… cruel. You kind of just think, that’s the way they are. No, that’s a choice they made on the way to behave. Although when it comes to my ex, that is a very conscience choice. He admitted he attacks people psychologically. He’s aware of the damage. I guess the only thing that can be done for that kind of behavior is to not acknowledge it. So he’s gonna talk shit amongst his friends, let him. It’s not like his friends know who the fuck I am anyway, so their opinions of me are entirely irrelevant. So is my ex’s, his idea of who I am is back ass-wards. And he can’t blame my family(they’re not in the picture), or his family ( they’re not in the picture either) this time around because there’s just him and his big mouth.

Anyway, love the person, not the behavior. The person…he’s actually quite nerdy, funny sometimes, quiet, and insecure. He’s 6’1”, but he pictures himself much smaller. Sometimes I think he’s stuck mentally as a 12 year old boy. The behavior, his ego. Acts all macho, power-trips when things don’t go his way…It’s like he thinks that being an asshole = testosterone. Like he needs to be an asshole in order to be “manly”. Maybe he picked up that behavior from his gay step dad who was probably in denial of being gay at the time. I don’t know. It’s a possibility. Anyway…trying to understand it, and divide the two… this is the person I will have to co-parent with, even if he is difficult to communicate with.

I like the analogy my Leads worker used, some people are like tantruming 2 year olds, there is no getting through to them.

I did change my phone number, cutting contact with my ex that way. I think he abused that privilege. My number was given to him in regards of our kids, and emergencies. I was getting text messages about a hooker harassing him. Getting accused of stealing from him, and tampering with his property… Overall, just harassed, verbally and psychologically abused. So, if you’re going to be an ass, no, you don’t deserve my number. If he has something to say to me, pass it through Merrymount. That is what they are there for. Returning to Merrymount was his idea, and is becoming quite beneficial to me actually. So thank you. Especially since my ex has it in his head that he can continue to abuse me. No, we’re over. Pooks and “Mogley” ( Nigel, Caski, whatever name he wants to go by) ended years ago. There is no going back, and there might not be a friendship to salvage. But for the kids sake, they need 2 parents that can work together cooperatively and be civil in their presence. So in that sense, he needs to grow the fuck up. It’s not about him, me, or us, it’s about them. Get used to it. He is no longer on the pedestal, they are!

Anywho, enough about him. It’s gonna take a while for me to divide him, from his behavior. He is not his behavior. Convincing myself that may take some time. I have this thought of that common quote; Actions speak louder than words.

Anyway, I am fortunate to have the people I do in my life. Some with more knowledge and experience.

Awhile ago, I retweeted a quote; The wisest men follow their own direction and listen to no prophet guiding them. – Euripides. Someone had responded with; Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22) . My reaction was to repel it due to my anger towards religion. I feel it has only caused more suffering and damage in this world. But I guess you don’t  fully understand something, until you live it. I do have a lot of support, it’s not like I am alone. And maybe some guidance is necessary from those whom have lived similar circumstances so that I don’t go repeating the same mistakes. In other words, guidance can help you to try something else, something new. It can open your mind to new ideas that may be useful. So not to go totally trashing the Bible, perhaps there’s some value in it. Not all, obviously. It is a very pro-violence, discriminating book towards homosexuals, women, race, and people of any other faith. I support unity, and the bible, and/or religion, encourages the division of the people, and rather then accepting people for who they are, they try to conform them. No bueno!

Anywho, what else? Monday was the New School of Colour. There will be one more session, then it’s closed for the holidays. It’ll re-open the second week of January. I am typing this so that I will remember this as well.

This past Monday was interesting, Ducky was was trying something called water painting. Although, she will need enamel paint, since her attempts with acrylic and oil didn’t quite turn out as she had hoped. She may or may not be able to afford the supplies herself, so if you can help, we, at the New School of Colour, are always in need of supplies.

http://www.newschoolofcolour.com/donate.html

She is thinking about submitting it into this years Twitter Art Exhibition in Norway. I participated last year. It’s a good way to get your art out there in other parts of the world, and support a worthy cause. Last year, the fundraiser was for a Contemporary Dance Studio who gives dance classes to the disabled. I remember being quite proud to be a part of it. Wither my art sold or not, my art got to travel! Yaaay! 🙂 This year it will be for families in need of homes. I hope to participate again. Ducky said she would find out how much it will cost to mail a post card sized art piece to Norway, and get back to me with that info. Probably more than it was to mail something to Florida I’m guessing. But yeah, if she’s participating, yaaay! That might make 2 of us New School of Colour artists!

Umm…what else? Fred’s new Medieval Times painting is quite humorous at the New School of Colour. I say so because he is painting the New School of Colours facilitator in prison. Why would you paint Jeremy Jeresky in a prison? It is a funny painting though. Newho, Jeremy said he should be painted as a jester, which is interesting. Why a jester? He knows I love jesters. Hmmm….  Jesters are cool mind you. Happy to see someone else can see that too. Or maybe I’m just spreading the love and appreciation for jesters. They are quite awesome! Don’t be deceived by their appearance, they may look and act foolish, but they are powerful.

Shaco. The Demon Jester by jsuursoo .  Source: http://jsuursoo.deviantart.com/art/Shaco-The-Demon-Jester-332686333

Shaco. The Demon Jester by jsuursoo .
Source: http://jsuursoo.deviantart.com/art/Shaco-The-Demon-Jester-332686333

Besides that, my home is currently….under construction so to speak. Today there is supposed to be someone coming by regarding this mice issue, that my ex threatened to report as a health hazard. Also saying his friends are encouraging him to call C.A.S. Which would be stupid to get them back involved considering we just closed an 8 year case…but that’s besides the point. His friends have no say. They don’t know me, they never entered my home. So they can shut their holes. Fuck his stupid addict friends and whatever they say. Yes, there’s mice, but I am on it. It is an old house, and I kind of understand why everybody else on this street owns a pet. The vents here aren’t the small little vents, they are big enough for mice to access. I believe their form of entry was my basement. I tried this sound frequency thing, which only works temporarily. Stupid things come back. I’ve searched for this peppermint oil, which is only available online. I guess mice really hate the smell of it. I was looking for natural, less harmful ways to deal with them. But as a last resort, pest control it is, and they can do whatever they do.

I was supposed to have this house cleaned up, but my furnace is down. So half of my house is freezing freakin cold, and the other half, thanks to the electric fire place (friends gave me before they moved to Saskatchewan) , and 2 heaters (lent to me by First Nation Housing Co-op) is now kind of comfortable. I no longer need to be bundled up in my outdoor gear and blankets.

A new furnace will be installed tomorrow. So yeah. I kind of need to stay put for awhile. Hopefully everything will be all good to go for this coming weekend, I have muh babies coming over!

I will need to move some furniture around so that the people installing the new furnace can easily get through to the basement with their equipment and what not. Meaning…I have to move the couch. Things will look a little chaotic here for a while. But that gives me Friday to get it all back in order, so to speak.

Friday, that reminds me… I am volunteering at The Arts Project that day for an event called Blast. For those that are unaware, Blast = Artists unite. It’s basically an event to get local artists networking and creating together. I think it’s a pretty cool idea. Admission is free. Although if you want beverages from the bar, you’ll have to pay for that. The hours of the event go from 4:30pm – 7pm on December 5th. So if you’re in London, ON, check it out! Mingle with your fellow artists. Maybe I’ll see you there. I’ll be the ninja in black, ahem, I mean, volunteer floater greeting at the door. Haha!

I got a couple things to ponder…regarding life. My life.

It kinda reminds me of what my Leads worker said, my time is valuable, I decide what I am going to do with it, not anyone else.

I feel like it’s expected of me to be greedy, competitive, and want more I guess. That’s the social norm. To capitalize. But like I said before, I am happy volunteering, writing this blog, and creating art. Even if I’m not getting paid. I don’t value money like everyone else. That’s not important to me. What’s important are the lives I touch, and the message I leave behind.

A friend of mine suggested that more pictures need to be put into this blog. Just some constructive criticism. Maybe some people need more visual stimulation, I don’t know. So if you notice more images lately, that’s why.  I’ll give it shot, and give credit where it’s due. Not all images are mine.

This friend has also critiqued my art. Making suggestions of how to paint my current painting. I am putting it to use, regarding colour, and noticing a huge difference, especially when shading with opposites. I’m still gonna use titanium white so that my paint is more opaque. Translucence is not exactly what I’m aiming for at the moment. Although, I am still working on the background which isn’t going to be the center of attention in this picture. I may attempt her translucent glazing idea on the “Tree People” in the foreground. I think that’s where the technique she suggested will be more useful. Although, it does sound like a more time consuming process, especially with oil paint. Layers and layers and layers. It wouldn’t be the first time a painting of mine has taken me a long time to complete. It might make the center of focus stand out in the picture. Which is what I want. They need to look warm, alive, and be the focus. So probably more detail and contrast on them. Thank her for broadening my horizons when it comes to colour and light. I need to try to keep my mind open to new things, new perspectives, and ideas.

My work in progress. The next oil painting to be. Not a current picture of shading the orange shapes w/ it's opposite colour. It has improved since this shot. - Pooks

My work in progress. The next oil painting to be. Not a current picture of shading the orange shapes w/ it’s opposite colour. It has improved since this shot. – Pooks

Newho, I had quite a bit to write there. It’s turning into my next book. Haha! I’ll end it there. Thank you for reading. Love and hugs! – Pooks

“Be open to new thoughts, to new people, to new principles, to new ideas, to new experiences. “NEW” MAKES US GROW”- Rossana Condoleo

"I am art." - Pooks

“I am art.” – Pooks

Turmoils Locked Gate & the Invisible Path

So once again, I had chickened out with a job interview. I had gotten bombarded by the evil critic in my head. As I was getting ready for the interview, I just got really anxious. I felt under pressure to be something I am not. I tried to trick myself into thinking of it as dressing up for Halloween. But the negative thoughts won, and I ended up not even going. I had canceled my Leads appointment for this interview, and yeah, didn’t make it to the damn interview. Ugh! Fuck up.

I spoke to a friend about it, and yeah, perhaps it’s a lack of confidence.

As I was going through my clothes, changing my mind over and over on what to wear. Will it be good enough? Does this fit their standards of being fashionable? Does this make me stand out, or blend in? To criticizing my hair. I have really thick hair, and it’s very time consuming to tame. So I was worried it would get frizzy on me by the time I get there. Should I wear a pony tail? a bun? Or try something different? But the most negative thought that did me in was over the colour of my skin. As soon as they see that your brown, they’re gonna reject you.

Anyway, I felt like I was feeling all this unnecessary stress over self-image. I’m usually not that hard on myself when it comes to my personal appearance. Do all women have to go the extra mile when getting ready for an interview? Why?  It’s like we can’t be concerned whether we look professional enough, it’s whether or not we are “pretty” enough. Maybe interviews should be done blind-folded. The employer should be blind folded, because let’s face it, looks don’t determine wither or not you can do the job. That’s a stupid rule to judge by. I understand depending on the business, they don’t want see a slob. But the amount of pressure that is put on a woman is freakin ridiculous. Do you want a worker? Or a mannequin? Or maybe even a blow up doll? Maybe you want freakin Barbie and her unrealistic proportions! Got to wonder sometimes.

So yeah, thanks for the unnecessary stress. I was even picking my hang nails until my fingers were bleeding. Yeah, ouch! But that’s what anxiety does to me, it makes me pick myself apart.

It does bum me out that at the last minute, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of incompetence and self-doubt. But maybe my flaws are what keeps me humble. I mean, this society wants you to be kinda arrogant, and competitive. Well… I’m not the competitive type. Honestly, it’s one of those things that annoy me. I prefer to do my own thing, and I’m not interested in competing or comparing myself to others.

As I was getting ready, that’s exactly what I was doing!! That is so not like me at all!! Comparison? Thinking such things as; “They will choose a white girl over me.” What the fuck?!! I don’t think I’m good enough, and my nationality is part of that reason. I should be proud of what I am, but my race is often ridiculed, and shamed in this fuckin world!! Do you not see the affects of your damn racism?!

No, I’m not the most confident person. I am still scarred with a shit load of emotional and verbal abuse in my life time. Shit that comes back, and bites me in the ass in the present. Probably why my internal dialog can be such a verbal abusive bitch, which is destructive to myself, and holds me back a lot of the time when it comes to opportunities. Abuse helped mold that critic in my head, which tries to convince me that all the criticism I’ve endured is true. I’m incapable, a low life, a bum, a fuck up. You’re just pretty. Your sister is gorgeous. Nothing compared to her. So on and so forth.  No wonder I don’t feel good enough. Some of this shit in my head goes back to my childhood. It really makes it hard to believe in myself, ever. Just when I think I leave that shit behind, it finds ways to haunt me. It all comes back at the worst times, times of opportunity.

Anyway, since I felt so stressed over my image for this one interview, perhaps that job isn’t worth it. Another interview will come along, and hopefully I won’t be so hard on myself.

Morgue, the shock artist from the Venice Beach Freakshow, posted a status recently that made me think. I was recently advised to “be myself” by a friend, but perhaps I need to be so much more. Be Pooks, and what I envision Pooks to be. I need to “become”.

Anyway, Morgue’s FB status:

“Don’t be yourself, become yourself. They are not the same thing. Don’t settle for what you are, don’t become complacent. Always strive to improve, overcome and become the best version of yourself that you can be.

I am seeing a lot of people using “be yourself” as an excuse for laziness. Of course, never impose the standards of a failed society on yourself, but do not use it as an excuse to not improve. Don’t stand still, always move forward.

Don’t give a fuck what unintelligent, close minded people think of you and always strive to become a better version of yourself.” – Morgue

A nice friendly reminder. Just as Dali said he was becoming more Dali. My mission is to become more Pooks. Thank you Morgue. I needed that. To me, Pooks is greatness. An unstoppable creative force in this world. And believe me, it’s been quite the journey since the day I first signed my art with this alias name “Pooks”. It’s taken on a journey of it’s own that I don’t really have control over, I just create the art and write. Even though I try to live the mandatory “normal” life that is expected of me, the blue collar (if even) slavery.  I am currently trying to leap into the pink collar world. The road I need to be on for Pooks is elsewhere, matter of fact, it’s invisible. Not that it doesn’t exist, the road is there through what I create and where that takes me. There is no fuckin collar. I ain’t no fuckin dog! Haha!

Pooks is my creative outlet, expression, given a name, face, and persona. The art piece, that not only creates art, but is the art. Very few can accomplish that, Marilyn Manson, David Bowie, … just a couple examples. I hope to do the same.

So maybe for next time, when another interview comes around, I just need to remind myself, “I am Pooks.” To me, that is pretty extraordinary.  – Pooks

“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”- Louise L. Hay

In the Mirror

So my ex told my daughter my favorite song is “No One” by Alicia Keys. Haha! Yeah I used to like that song at one point in my life. When I thought sticking up for him and lying to CAS was worth it. But then he turned around and did the thing he said he would never do, and that’s take off with the kids. I went through a “2 against the world phase”, and yeah, he proved to me otherwise. He clearly doesn’t know me anymore. So he’s the last person to be asking about anything regarding me.

And let’s face it, while I was with him, we only listened to what my ex liked majority of the time. I was a metal head before I met him, and I lost that while I was with him. Sure there’s the odd song in other genres that may catch my attention, but I love metal. I’m not a big rap, and r&b fan to be honest.

And quite frankly, now that I’ve have had time to reflect about it all. I don’t think my ex ever really knew me, and vise- versa. He was trying to change me to his likings, and I was trying to change him. Just one big unhappy mess.

It’s been three years, and he still has it in his head that I will return. It is more than obvious we are incompatible. And the fact when I go to these visits with my kids, and they are saying things that make it obvious that their father is stalking me online. Such as reading my blog here after all these years. Yeah, that’s not concerning at all! Ahem, sarcasm. Move on, I am, obviously.

So I think this post will be kinda like setting the record straight. Allowing my readers to get to know me a little. Even though you may have some kind of idea, if you’re one of my dedicated followers. So maybe I’ll try to write about the little things about me, stuff like current songs I actually DO like and what not.

My favorite song is Mission by Puscifer. Thanks to my eldest brother for introducing me to Tool, and Maynard James Keenan many moons ago. I think Maynard has one of the best vocals out there.

Other vocalists I like are Corey Taylor ( of coarse, I am a proud maggot.) , Jonathan Davis, Jack White (Both Jonathan and Jack have very unique voices), and Marilyn Manson. I can’t forget Ivan Moody.

Speaking of Marilyn Manson, I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before. But I see him as more than just a musician. He’s an artist. Heck, he made himself into a work of art, and I admire that. He doesn’t just create art, he is the art. I think that’s genius!

I have become quite the fan of Judas Priest and Iron Maiden over the last 3 years. I’ve also ventured into punk, horror punk ( such as Blitzkid), rock ( Tom Petty, The Rolling Stones, etc). As for those odd artists in other genres that catch my attention, wither it be the odd pop or R&B. Blondie, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Alicia Keys ( Her new stuff. Not “No One.” That song just gives me bad memories of a place and time I don’t ever want to be again.)

I absolutely love the Xenomorph. For those that don’t know, that would be the Alien from the Alien series, created by H.R Giger. I find myself pushing my own art to try to get viewers to experience what I do when I look at the Xenomorph. It is dark, scary even, but there is something beautiful and fascinating about it.

Obviously, I love art. I think it all began with counseling as a child. My counselor asked me to paint. I painted a house, a rainbow, and a sun in the top corner. Even though I didn’t follow instructions, I was supposed to paint how I was feeling. I was a very angry , confused little kid. But I remember the joy I got from painting the picture. It wasn’t much, but I was quite proud of it. I don’t think I ever forgot what my counselor wanted me to do. To use it to express myself. I think I carried that with me ever since. I may not have done it during the session, but I sure did start to do so on my own.

I also remember, as I got older, I had an obsession of drawing flying dragons. I still love dragons.

My favorite animal is the tiger, specifically the Siberian Tiger.

I’m a Detroit Red Wings fan. My favorite player is Pavel Datsyuk. That’s my ninja on ice!

I’m a huge Sons of Anarchy fan. Not only do I go gaga for Charlie Hunnam, who plays the role of Jax Teller. But I respect Kurt Sutter as a writer. He is full of surprises, and you can never be too sure what to expect.

A very close friend of mine got me into Murdoch Mysteries, and documentaries. Shows that make you think, or are educational.

I love watching cartoons and animations. I used to wish I could be a cartoon, because they can literally do anything. Plus, cartoons are so happy, and silly.

My favorite colour is blue. It’s such a calm, chill colour.

I love the moon. I like going for ridiculously long walks, with no specific direction. Just kind of, get up and go. Each walk has something special to see I find.

I never used to be a fan of reading, until I picked up The Jester by James Patterson. Which is my favorite book, and now I’m a happy little book worm, and own 3 books written by James Patterson.

I like to write, obviously. I have this blog, I write poetry….I used to write stories too. But haven’t since my dad threw 200 pages worth in the garbage cleaning out my room years ago. Yeah, that was pretty devastating. I should have cleaned my room when asked. Damn. Anyway, now that I’m back in school, I will have to learn a new way to write, not so personal and emotional. But more professional. We’ll see how that goes.

I sing and dance when I’m by myself, or when I think no one is watching.

I used to be able to do a really good Eric Cartman impression, but lost that ability over the years.

I am fascinated by other languages and cultures. I know some words in Ojibwe, French and Spanish. Bits and pieces here and there. I can say good night in 5 languages. If I could, I would learn them all. Although I have trouble when it comes to rolling my “R’s”.

I absolutely love coffee. That’s a given, to anyone that knows me. As well as potatoes. I do love my potatoes, Fried, baked, mashed, stewed ,doesn’t matter. Potatoes are good!

I can bend one of my fingers far back the other way. So yeah, I’m double jointed in one finger. Haha!

I support Idle No More, Occupy, and I’m anti-Harper.  I also support causes that spread awareness on Domestic Violence, and abuse.

I think oil should be banned, and money should be forgotten.

I like summer festivals and events here in London, Ontario.

I love the E.O.A/ O.E.V community. There really are some positive things within it if you seek the positive.

Scents I like are lavender or vanilla. I love Bodycology’s Brown Sugar and Vanilla Body Spray.

I love to dress up. I love costumes and masks. Halloween is my favorite holiday.

I love photography. I’m quite the shutter bug. But that’s a hobby on hold until I can get a new camera.

I love things that are surreal. Such as the crazy things I dream about, or scenes you can see in the movie “The Cell.” Stuff like that. Alice in Wonderland…I found that Floria Sigismondi did an excellent job capturing that kind of surrealism in her photography, even in her music videos.

I also have a fascination for androgyny. Probably because I got mistaken for a male so many times in my life time. Haha!

I’m 31, and I still get ID’ed at convenient stores. Even when I went up to Red Lake, and I went to the bar with my Aunt, the bartender thought I was underage. Haha! I got good genes. Thank you to my Mama, Elizabeth King, R.I.P.

Anyway, I’m getting tired. That’s enough for today. I’ll probably post again on Thanksgiving and write up all the things I’m thankful for. Now you know a little bit more about me. Hope you enjoyed. – Pooks

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson