It’s been an interesting week I guess. Not only that, but for awhile there I was in this odd routine that was slightly off. Ya know? Almost right, but not quite regarding my sleeping schedule. For the past week or so I have been falling asleep earlier, and waking up at 4:30am. I’ve been loving it though. Actually being awake in the morning. In a way, it feels like my day is a bit longer. Like I bought myself time somehow. Especially since I was a night owl normally going to sleep at 4:30am, and waking up god knows when in the afternoon. So yes, the change is quite nice, although today I slept in til 6:30am. I think that’s more closer to the average person. That was just one of those things I wanted to tackle, my sleep schedule, and voila! It kinda worked out on it’s own. Sometimes I set my alarm, but I normally wake up on my own without it bright and early lately. As for staying up late, it would be amazing if I can stay awake past 11pm.
What else? Punctuality was something I also wanted to work on personally, and I’ve been surprising myself lately. Being on time for appointments, rather than late, and walking to my appointments rather than taking the bus. Strange how my own two feet are more reliable timing wise than a bus. But then again, that’s the fun part of being a pedestrian, you can take short cuts that vehicles can’t exactly. While they travel in a grid format, I can wonder on a diagonal.
At my last Leads appointment, we were going more over communication, and assertiveness. I admit, when it comes to the assertive part, it has been a struggle. It’s a trigger. In my mind, it’s like being assertive will lead to an assault. It signifies danger, and putting myself in danger. It’s happened a number of times before with the ex, my supposed mom… Some people just can’t take the word “no” for an answer. Or any opposing opinion or perspective for that matter. My worker told me that not all conflict is a negative, and that conflict can lead to progress. Something to think about. I normally just try to avoid it. Shut it out…walk away…
I re-connected with an art friend. She too had some things for me to ponder about lately. She was sharing her wisdom as a parent, a woman, an artist, and she’s another who has survived abuse… Anyway, she told me something that I’ve yet to wrap my head around when it comes to these abusive people I encounter in my life. “Love the person, deal with the behavior.”
So maybe it’s not the person I hate. It’s their behavior. Makes sense. But it is hard to see who they really are as people if they are behaving so… cruel. You kind of just think, that’s the way they are. No, that’s a choice they made on the way to behave. Although when it comes to my ex, that is a very conscience choice. He admitted he attacks people psychologically. He’s aware of the damage. I guess the only thing that can be done for that kind of behavior is to not acknowledge it. So he’s gonna talk shit amongst his friends, let him. It’s not like his friends know who the fuck I am anyway, so their opinions of me are entirely irrelevant. So is my ex’s, his idea of who I am is back ass-wards. And he can’t blame my family(they’re not in the picture), or his family ( they’re not in the picture either) this time around because there’s just him and his big mouth.
Anyway, love the person, not the behavior. The person…he’s actually quite nerdy, funny sometimes, quiet, and insecure. He’s 6’1”, but he pictures himself much smaller. Sometimes I think he’s stuck mentally as a 12 year old boy. The behavior, his ego. Acts all macho, power-trips when things don’t go his way…It’s like he thinks that being an asshole = testosterone. Like he needs to be an asshole in order to be “manly”. Maybe he picked up that behavior from his gay step dad who was probably in denial of being gay at the time. I don’t know. It’s a possibility. Anyway…trying to understand it, and divide the two… this is the person I will have to co-parent with, even if he is difficult to communicate with.
I like the analogy my Leads worker used, some people are like tantruming 2 year olds, there is no getting through to them.
I did change my phone number, cutting contact with my ex that way. I think he abused that privilege. My number was given to him in regards of our kids, and emergencies. I was getting text messages about a hooker harassing him. Getting accused of stealing from him, and tampering with his property… Overall, just harassed, verbally and psychologically abused. So, if you’re going to be an ass, no, you don’t deserve my number. If he has something to say to me, pass it through Merrymount. That is what they are there for. Returning to Merrymount was his idea, and is becoming quite beneficial to me actually. So thank you. Especially since my ex has it in his head that he can continue to abuse me. No, we’re over. Pooks and “Mogley” ( Nigel, Caski, whatever name he wants to go by) ended years ago. There is no going back, and there might not be a friendship to salvage. But for the kids sake, they need 2 parents that can work together cooperatively and be civil in their presence. So in that sense, he needs to grow the fuck up. It’s not about him, me, or us, it’s about them. Get used to it. He is no longer on the pedestal, they are!
Anywho, enough about him. It’s gonna take a while for me to divide him, from his behavior. He is not his behavior. Convincing myself that may take some time. I have this thought of that common quote; Actions speak louder than words.
Anyway, I am fortunate to have the people I do in my life. Some with more knowledge and experience.
Awhile ago, I retweeted a quote; The wisest men follow their own direction and listen to no prophet guiding them. – Euripides. Someone had responded with; Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22) . My reaction was to repel it due to my anger towards religion. I feel it has only caused more suffering and damage in this world. But I guess you don’t fully understand something, until you live it. I do have a lot of support, it’s not like I am alone. And maybe some guidance is necessary from those whom have lived similar circumstances so that I don’t go repeating the same mistakes. In other words, guidance can help you to try something else, something new. It can open your mind to new ideas that may be useful. So not to go totally trashing the Bible, perhaps there’s some value in it. Not all, obviously. It is a very pro-violence, discriminating book towards homosexuals, women, race, and people of any other faith. I support unity, and the bible, and/or religion, encourages the division of the people, and rather then accepting people for who they are, they try to conform them. No bueno!
Anywho, what else? Monday was the New School of Colour. There will be one more session, then it’s closed for the holidays. It’ll re-open the second week of January. I am typing this so that I will remember this as well.
This past Monday was interesting, Ducky was was trying something called water painting. Although, she will need enamel paint, since her attempts with acrylic and oil didn’t quite turn out as she had hoped. She may or may not be able to afford the supplies herself, so if you can help, we, at the New School of Colour, are always in need of supplies.
She is thinking about submitting it into this years Twitter Art Exhibition in Norway. I participated last year. It’s a good way to get your art out there in other parts of the world, and support a worthy cause. Last year, the fundraiser was for a Contemporary Dance Studio who gives dance classes to the disabled. I remember being quite proud to be a part of it. Wither my art sold or not, my art got to travel! Yaaay! 🙂 This year it will be for families in need of homes. I hope to participate again. Ducky said she would find out how much it will cost to mail a post card sized art piece to Norway, and get back to me with that info. Probably more than it was to mail something to Florida I’m guessing. But yeah, if she’s participating, yaaay! That might make 2 of us New School of Colour artists!
Umm…what else? Fred’s new Medieval Times painting is quite humorous at the New School of Colour. I say so because he is painting the New School of Colours facilitator in prison. Why would you paint Jeremy Jeresky in a prison? It is a funny painting though. Newho, Jeremy said he should be painted as a jester, which is interesting. Why a jester? He knows I love jesters. Hmmm…. Jesters are cool mind you. Happy to see someone else can see that too. Or maybe I’m just spreading the love and appreciation for jesters. They are quite awesome! Don’t be deceived by their appearance, they may look and act foolish, but they are powerful.
Besides that, my home is currently….under construction so to speak. Today there is supposed to be someone coming by regarding this mice issue, that my ex threatened to report as a health hazard. Also saying his friends are encouraging him to call C.A.S. Which would be stupid to get them back involved considering we just closed an 8 year case…but that’s besides the point. His friends have no say. They don’t know me, they never entered my home. So they can shut their holes. Fuck his stupid addict friends and whatever they say. Yes, there’s mice, but I am on it. It is an old house, and I kind of understand why everybody else on this street owns a pet. The vents here aren’t the small little vents, they are big enough for mice to access. I believe their form of entry was my basement. I tried this sound frequency thing, which only works temporarily. Stupid things come back. I’ve searched for this peppermint oil, which is only available online. I guess mice really hate the smell of it. I was looking for natural, less harmful ways to deal with them. But as a last resort, pest control it is, and they can do whatever they do.
I was supposed to have this house cleaned up, but my furnace is down. So half of my house is freezing freakin cold, and the other half, thanks to the electric fire place (friends gave me before they moved to Saskatchewan) , and 2 heaters (lent to me by First Nation Housing Co-op) is now kind of comfortable. I no longer need to be bundled up in my outdoor gear and blankets.
A new furnace will be installed tomorrow. So yeah. I kind of need to stay put for awhile. Hopefully everything will be all good to go for this coming weekend, I have muh babies coming over!
I will need to move some furniture around so that the people installing the new furnace can easily get through to the basement with their equipment and what not. Meaning…I have to move the couch. Things will look a little chaotic here for a while. But that gives me Friday to get it all back in order, so to speak.
Friday, that reminds me… I am volunteering at The Arts Project that day for an event called Blast. For those that are unaware, Blast = Artists unite. It’s basically an event to get local artists networking and creating together. I think it’s a pretty cool idea. Admission is free. Although if you want beverages from the bar, you’ll have to pay for that. The hours of the event go from 4:30pm – 7pm on December 5th. So if you’re in London, ON, check it out! Mingle with your fellow artists. Maybe I’ll see you there. I’ll be the ninja in black, ahem, I mean, volunteer floater greeting at the door. Haha!
I got a couple things to ponder…regarding life. My life.
It kinda reminds me of what my Leads worker said, my time is valuable, I decide what I am going to do with it, not anyone else.
I feel like it’s expected of me to be greedy, competitive, and want more I guess. That’s the social norm. To capitalize. But like I said before, I am happy volunteering, writing this blog, and creating art. Even if I’m not getting paid. I don’t value money like everyone else. That’s not important to me. What’s important are the lives I touch, and the message I leave behind.
A friend of mine suggested that more pictures need to be put into this blog. Just some constructive criticism. Maybe some people need more visual stimulation, I don’t know. So if you notice more images lately, that’s why. I’ll give it shot, and give credit where it’s due. Not all images are mine.
This friend has also critiqued my art. Making suggestions of how to paint my current painting. I am putting it to use, regarding colour, and noticing a huge difference, especially when shading with opposites. I’m still gonna use titanium white so that my paint is more opaque. Translucence is not exactly what I’m aiming for at the moment. Although, I am still working on the background which isn’t going to be the center of attention in this picture. I may attempt her translucent glazing idea on the “Tree People” in the foreground. I think that’s where the technique she suggested will be more useful. Although, it does sound like a more time consuming process, especially with oil paint. Layers and layers and layers. It wouldn’t be the first time a painting of mine has taken me a long time to complete. It might make the center of focus stand out in the picture. Which is what I want. They need to look warm, alive, and be the focus. So probably more detail and contrast on them. Thank her for broadening my horizons when it comes to colour and light. I need to try to keep my mind open to new things, new perspectives, and ideas.
My work in progress. The next oil painting to be. Not a current picture of shading the orange shapes w/ it’s opposite colour. It has improved since this shot. – Pooks
Newho, I had quite a bit to write there. It’s turning into my next book. Haha! I’ll end it there. Thank you for reading. Love and hugs! – Pooks
“Be open to new thoughts, to new people, to new principles, to new ideas, to new experiences. “NEW” MAKES US GROW”- Rossana Condoleo
“I am art.” – Pooks