Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
Just thought I should leave a link here of where my fabulous journey continues. As this Blog Site comes to an end…another begins…
Hope to see you there! -Pooks
I haven’t posted for a bit. No worries, I’m okay. I’m pretty much just waiting around to go into labour. For the last week or so, that’s all I have been hearing lately, even from complete strangers; “Any day now.”
Since my last post, I had 2 regular check up appointments. Last week, was rather painful. I think it should be mandatory that doctors trim their nails before measuring a cervix. As for yesterday, it went a lot better. However my current doctor that is following my pregnancy wanted to induce me right then and there, but at the time, I had my daughter in my care. And yeah, that would have just made things kinda chaotic. Even though my ex, my man, and I all discussed that if I were to go into labour while my daughter was over, the plan was to text or call the ex telling him to meet us at the hospital.
It’s kind of a relief that we can communicate between the 3 of us as co-parents. I mean, this past weekend I did get a bit emotional regarding my visits. I was upset that my ex is usually late, and when my man said he could pick up my daughter and then couldn’t. I just broke down feeling like I was the only one that cared about my visits. But that’s not true. My man had to work on Saturday, and he was offered some money afterwards if he helped someone move. He thought he’d be done in time, but clearly wasn’t. He kinda bit more than he could chew trying to be a super human. Turns out the guy he was helping out hasn’t even started to pack or whatever, and my man was expecting things to be ready to move when in fact they weren’t.
As for my ex, he usually has to wait around until he can find someone to watch over our son. He doesn’t trust leaving our son alone at home unattended, especially since our son has been stealing from his own father lately. He would take food, coffee, smokes, money, and whatever else to give to one of his buddies, whom probably pass that on to their parents. They really need to get out of that complex, it’s having a negative influence.
Anyways, it can take hours before my ex finds someone to watch our son and his unit.
So yeah, let that go. They both know how I feel about my visits. And that I’d appreciate it if we tried to stick to our agreement which is to have our daughter here by 2pm. Or close to it. Not 8pm. There goes majority of my time.
The reason I just say my daughter, is because my son still has no interest in coming over. We thought that maybe it could be that there is a lot of changes happening all at once, and he does not handle change well. Mom’s new boyfriend, Mom’s pregnant, Mom’s boyfriend moving in, Homeschooling, Etc. But according to my daughter, she told me over the weekend that my son hates me over something that happened in the past. A long time ago. Yeah well, that’s the past. I am no longer there, and if he’s going to bring random shit up and dwell, then that’s his problem.
It wasn’t easy being a single mom, with their dad in jail, trying to cope with my sons psychotic tantrums. Heck, I even called C.A.S on myself because I didn’t know what to do. He was dangerous at the time to have around his baby sister. Throwing things like dresser drawers down the stairs, and even a desk. Had his sister been crawling by, she would’ve been seriously injured. I can’t remember how many times I had to replace that baby gate. But yeah, he definitely didn’t handle a new sibling in the house very well.
As I confessed before, I spanked him once trying to get him to snap out of it, and never again. Ever since, I ask for consent to even hug my kids. It’s a good thing he wasn’t raised in the 80’s. Heck, I don’t know anyone my age that hasn’t been spanked by hand, or with a spoon, or belt. So considering, kids these days are quite pampered and shouldn’t complain. Nowadays, parents got to think of alternative ways to discipline. So yeah, compared to my upbringing, he’s being a bitch and complaining about pussy ass shit. Excuse the language, but it’s true.
Besides that, he seemed less interested in coming over when my man and I became more strict with the video and computer games anyways. Thanks. Nothing like making mom feel like I’m not the one he came to visit, he came to visit a piece of junk. And as my daughter tells me, that’s all he does at home, he plays on his tablet.
I read an article not too long ago regarding children and video games. How it interferes with the development of the brain, especially the frontal lobe. So yeah. It can cause learning disabilities, and anger issues. And as I discovered from trying to teach my son at home, he’s more behind than we think. I mean, we were getting ready to start him over from grade 1 if we had to.
But whatever. My ex thinks video games are beneficial or whatever. But some day our son will see just how much time in his life he wasted staring at a screen. He could be spending time with family, making friends, learning or doing more productive things, so on and so forth. Ya know? He’s missing his whole damn childhood.
But yeah. Like my man’s mother says, regarding homeschooling, our son will be tested by the school board, and we’ll see if he’s actually doing anything. Or learning anything. If not, I’m sure C.A.S will be called. Just what my ex was running from in the first place.
My ex did say he was thinking about pulling our daughter out of school too, because he is against vaccines. But after some research, those vaccines are mandatory otherwise your child cannot attend school. It would be unwise to pull out another child of ours out of school, especially since she’s doing so well. Take her out, and all she has is her surrounding environment as an influence. A ghetto complex. For a girl, that can lead to prostitution. I’m sure my ex wants better for his little girl. So swallow your pride, get her to take the vaccines wither you like it or not. She has dreams of becoming a baker, that’s better than a hooker. Keep her in school and maybe she can make that dream of hers a reality.
Other than all that…we celebrated Easter early this past weekend because I can go into labour “any day now”. My due date is actually during the Easter holidays. So we’ll see. When the baby comes, the baby comes. They have their own schedule. Lol
But yeah, my man did a superb job setting things up for our little Easter get together. He put my daughters and my sons Easter basket together. He set up an Easter egg hunt for my daughter, and even cooked an Easter dinner. It was my first time trying Rabbit. Which turned out pretty good actually. For some reason I thought rabbit would be a dark meat, but no, it’s white meat. And kinda tastes like chicken. Just a little blander.
I haven’t been working on any art lately. Even though my Doula thinks it would be cool if I painted something to be my focal point for when I give birth. Ya know? Something with an inspiring message that will help get me through the contractions.
I don’t know. I find myself extremely tired lately, an exhaustion that naps during the day can’t even suffice. Maybe it’s the rapid weight gain, or maybe my body is just trying to rest now, and conserve energy for when I do go into labour. It’s like an endless fatigue. At first I thought it was an iron deficiency, since I had forgotten to take my iron pills for awhile. But now that’s back into a routine, and I’m still exhausted. But yeah, my body is doing a number of things getting ready for the baby. So that’s what I’m thinking. Soon, I just don’t know when exactly.
Hopefully I have this baby before April 1st. As I mentioned before, there is a huge family gathering happening that day, and it would be nice to bring the baby. My man’s mom sounds so cute when she calls, all anxious for this baby to arrive. She recommends I get induced the next time the opportunity arrives.
According to my doctor, if I don’t go into labour by the 31st, an appointment will be scheduled for me to be induced. By then it will be too late. So hopefully this baby comes soon, or by its due date, the 26th.
Over the weekend I met a friend of my man’s, and the woman she was with is a photographer. Anyways, She offered to do maternity pics, or New born pics. But I have another photographer in mind that I wouldn’t mind helping getting her work out there. Platinum Phoenix Photography, I’ve been an acquaintance and fan of this photographer for awhile. She used to be a friend, until my supposed foster sister got all possessive and told me to stay away from her and her friends. So yeah, we don’t hang out, but I follow and support her work.
So yeah, my plan is to get some portraits done of my man and I’s baby, and mail some photos out to family members and close friends, and of coarse get the photographer’s work out there via. social media as my thank you.
What else? A friend of ours says he wants us to go out and do things this summer with him. Ya know? Baseball games, air shows, just eventful stuff and chill. So we’ll see.
I think it’ll be a good Spring/ Summer. My man is fixing up the yard. It just looks better and better. I might have grass this year, instead of a jungle. That would be awesome!
Every year I say I’m going to go to the Sifton Bog, but this year… Yes, I am going to go to the Sifton Bog damn it! I am determined!! Haha!
Uhh… might not make it down to see my relatives up north this year, maybe next year. They too want to meet the baby. That’s cool, but yeah. Traveling takes planning and finances. This year we are hoping to see my man’s 80 year old grandfather while he’s in the province. So going to see him and other family members is a lot closer than Red Lake, Ontario. It might take awhile before we can get up there. But my Aunt is excited and can’t wait to show my man all her favorite fishing spots. Lol My family likes him already, and they haven’t even met yet. 🙂
Overall things are good. Even though there is always that concern for my son in the back of my mind.
And as for this baby… I want it to come already, and then there’s another part of me that is like; No. Stay in there a little longer! Ya know? Because I remember hours and hours of contractions. It had been 7 years since I’ve done this labour thing. Lol I might not be as strong as I used to be.
That reminds me, the friend of my man’s that we met with the photographer, she was like; “aren’t you promiscuous?” Umm… not really. Like I said. It’s been 7 years since I gave birth. 5 years between dating. I was seeing someone in 2011, and haven’t dated again until I met my man for the 3rd or 4th time. During that 5 year gap, I shot a lot of men down. Might have had one one night stand in there during a drunken Halloween. But other than that, I was focused on me, my art, and my children. If that’s promiscuous, then wow. The standards of promiscuity clearly have changed. Haha!
I admit, when my man and I got together we were like 2 rabbits in the Spring time. Just completely enthralled by one another. Lol
I’m still crazy about him, but in a more meaningful kind of way. Like I said before, I think this baby has brought us closer together.
And soon, our baby will be here… Peace and Love – Pooks
“No one’s family is normal. Normalcy is a lie invented by advertising agencies to make the rest of us feel inferior.”
– Claire Lazebnik
Long time no see!
I apologize for not blogging much lately. I think it’s been 2 weeks or so since the last time I blogged. But with Christmas rapidly approaching, we’ve been kinda busy. However, we think that my son and my daughter will have a good Christmas. Thanks to everyone that pitched in to help make this possible, wither it be through providing gifts, or money for gifts. You’re awesome! Miigwech!
Anyways, my last two Leads appointments went well. We started a module on confidence, and it turns out that my confidence isn’t as low as I had thought. It’s pretty good considering. However, pinpointing my insecurities, or admitting my insecurities was quite difficult. I got all teary eyed. But yeah, I had to state what goes through my mind, and what could have started those negative thoughts that belittle me and hold me back. It all goes back to my childhood, and the abusive foster mom. Fuck her!
I guess I need to talk about shit more until it no longer has any effect on me. But that’s the problem, as an introvert, I don’t talk about these things. In fact, I would rather try to forget. Even though that doesn’t really work, obviously. Ya know? I can move on with my life, but somewhere in the back of my mind these memories still exist, and haunt me when I am trying to move up in my life. So yeah, I need to speak about it verbally. That’s going to be a challenge. Talking about things and people I would rather pretend didn’t even exist.
Thankfully, I have my partner, and I know when I’m ready, he will listen.
But that’s enough of that. That’s some internal shit I need to work on that could in the end improve my confidence.
Umm… what else? Last week we made snow flakes out of paper at Leads. Just doing something fun and creative before the holidays. This wasn’t your ordinary fold and cut kind of snow flake. So thanks to my worker for teaching me something new. The one I made turned out pretty cool, and it is now hanging on my front door. So instead of your typical Christmas wreath, I have this cool looking snowflake! 🙂
At the New School of Colour, I completed a painting that has that H.R Giger Xenomorph resemblance. Which is pretty cool since I was not copying from any images, it was straight out of my head/ memory, and it came pretty close. People can tell where the inspiration came from.
As for the background, I was trying to paint without the bristles of a paintbrush. So I’d use the other end. Or I would find other objects to use. Such as the cap to my Gatorade, or the lid to my Lays Chips container. So on and so forth. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. I brought it home so that my partner can put a clear coat on it, since I can’t really do that on my own. Being pregnant and all. I have to be more careful around things that involve chemicals.
Last week, my mind kinda went blank. So I was working on some zentangles just for the hell of it.
Which reminds me, the current facilitator said that he’d try to get my art work into the library. Kind of like a small solo exhibit. That’s cool. I mean, I’ve been with the New School of Colour since 2011, and still haven’t had a solo art exhibition yet. Maybe it’s about time.
Umm… Within these last 2 weeks I also submitted some of my photography into something called “Colouring London”. Similar to what I have participated in the past with my photography, “Colouring between the Lines”. It is run by the same person that did the “Colouring between the Lines” exhibition a year or two ago, Lincoln McCardle. The difference is, this time around, the photographs submitted that get converted into colouring pages will become part of a colouring book. That’s cool. The proceeds will go to a local charity. There’s still time to get involved, so if you are a London, ON photographer, you can submit your work to the following FB page:
This past weekend my daughter was teaching me some French that she’s been learning at school. So that’s pretty awesome. She knows more words than I do. According to her report card, she’s doing well in school.
However, when it comes to an education, my son is falling more and more behind. From my perspective, both the school and my ex are responsible. The school, because it’s like they don’t want my son around. So even though my ex has been bringing my son to school, the school just sends our son back home shortly after. I can understand why my ex would get fed up, and decide to pull our son out of school. That goes on long enough, it’s like, what’s the point of bringing him in, if the school is just going to send him back home anyways. However, the homeschooling hasn’t really started, and according to my daughter, my son just sleeps all day. And sometimes I think my ex is capable of teaching our son, other times… I worry. I mean, an education is not watching Infowars. He needs to learn to read and write, and do math, and learn other skills that would benefit his future. Perhaps even learning a trade if all else fails. Infowars, and conspiracy theories won’t do that. I mean, our son has got to learn to take care of himself one day, and at this rate, it’s not looking so good. He’s not motivated to learn anything. It seems like his only interest is videogames. So as his mother, I am concerned. How do you teach someone that doesn’t want to learn? Or maybe noone has found the way to teach him yet. I mean, educational institutions focus on one way of learning, and that is auditory. Not everyone learns that way. Some people, like myself, are more visual and kinaesthetic.
Anyways, that’s a little mind boggling. I mean, I only see my children on weekends, so there is only so much I can do. My time is limited. So my sons education basically lies in the hands of the primary caregiver, my ex. Hopefully he can figure something out. Our son doesn’t need to fall more behind than he already is.
Other than that, my visits with my children have been going well. they’re good children. Even though my partner feels as if my son is being a bit resistant towards him. That whole “You’re not my father” kinda thing. But my man can understand, and has been pretty patient. I mean, he too has grown up with step dads in his life. So yeah, he can understand my son in that regard more than my son realizes. Lol
Before I forget, I want to mention that over the weekend I finally did a Christmas window painting. I painted the Grinch on the front window of my house, and I guess it turned out pretty good. I mean, the neighbors across the street asked my partner where we bought it from. I guess they thought it was one of those peel and stick on things you put on your window. Haha! Nope! My man proudly answered and said that I painted it, and that he’s always amazed with the things I can paint.
Umm.. what else? We’ve been preparing for our baby. Thank you to Angie Cooke from the Hamiltion Rd/ OEV Buy Nothing Group for giving us a crib. And thank you to the kind lady that traveled all the way from Strathroy to give us a stroller. That takes care of two major pricey baby items we’ll be needing in the near future. The crib we got for free. As for the stroller, we probably paid only the quarter of the price of a brand new one. In the long run, that will help us out financially.
While I’m saying my thank you’s. I want to thank my good friend Melly for coming with me t o the Mall last week to do some Christmas shopping. It helps to go with someone that is familiar with the malls. 🙂
As for a baby update, my next doctor appointment is early January, and I believe my next ultrasound will be scheduled then. However I am happy to say that I can feel my baby kick more often. It’s kicks are getting stronger. So he or she must be growing. 🙂
Oh that reminds me, we did pick out names for our baby, even though we don’t know the sex yet.
For a girl: Lily Adelaide King Wuytenburg
For a boy: Adelaide Derek King Wuytenburg
We got the name Lily from my daughter. She actually suggested Lily tiger ( I think she meant Tiger Lily). But we thought the name Lily alone had a ring to it.
As for Adelaide, that is the name of the street that holds a lot of my partner and I’s relationship history. My man gave me his number to me twice on Adelaide Street. We’ve been for dates on Adelaide. We went grocery shopping on Adelaide. We both lived east of Adelaide. Our baby was even conceived on Adelaide. Lol The list goes on and on.
Derek, because that is my mans name. And my man has his fathers name for a middle name. so were kinda passing on the tradition so to speak.
King is my biological last name.
Wuytenburg is my mans last name.
So yaaay! We have a name. We actually picked those out months ago, but I just forgot to mention it here. Now you know.
Anyways, I think this is turning into quite the novel, so I shall end it here. Hard to believe Christmas is 2 days away already. But I am excited. It’s been awhile since I have celebrated Christmas with my son and daughter. I am looking forward to it. So I guess that leaves me with one more thank you. Thank you to my ex for allowing me to have our children over at my place for Christmas. It means a lot!
Oh, and thank you to the readers that actually take the time to read this whole blog post. Lol I know, it’s a long one. But then again, I’ve been M.I.A for 2 weeks. So yeah, a nice long blog post should make up for my absence. Hope you enjoyed the read. Peace and Love! – Pooks
Since I’ve shared the news everywhere else, I might as well share the news here too. Meaning, I might be blogging more than once this week.
Newho, yesterday I had my second ultrasound, and it was to be the day to determine wither my baby is a boy or a girl. During the ultrasound I couldn’t help but giggle at my baby. Already it has a spunky personality. It was active, moving around lots, but also being stubborn. Stubborn as in not spreading it’s legs to reveal it’s sex. My man said that he or she was just being prim and proper. Lol In other words, modest. So I did not find out the sex of the baby, and it remains a mystery.
Anyways, the baby is healthy and doing well, no matter what the sex is. I was happy to hear that he, or she, is very active, because I haven’t been able to feel any kicks yet. But I’m sure I will soon. 🙂
Daddy is so proud of his baby, that he took the sheet of ultrasound pictures with him to work this morning to show off the pictures to as many people as he can. ❤ We both agree, the baby has got Daddy’s nose. Hehehe!
Apologies to anyone that was curious and anxious regarding the sex of our baby. I’m pretty sure there is one more ultrasound, but that is closer to the due date. Around the time that I will be 30 weeks pregnant. So if you are going to get our baby anything, we suggest blue, or neutral colours, for now.
Onto other things, but still regarding family. My man said he’s considering of getting himself “snipped”, because he’s happy with one baby of his own. Plus our baby will have 2 fabulous older siblings that they will get to see on weekends. And we got 3 shitzu’s that are a lot like 3 silly little children, only furry. So yeah, I guess you can say we got a decent size family as is. Not to mention, all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, etc.
So yeah, what started off as my little family (My son, my daughter and I), has grown, and been accepted, and welcomed into a much larger family. I am grateful for that. It’s different, and kinda nice to have that kind of support there.
Anyways, I too think this will be my last child I give birth to. My body has already given 2 natural births without medication, or pain killers. Ya know? Hopefully, my body can handle that one more time. I’m not as young as I used to be, nor is my body. However, I think it’s cute that my daughter says things like “You’re still not old.” That’s flattering. Thank my biological genes, The Kings, for me looking younger than I am. Lol
Labour, oh how I remember. It is definitely one of those mind over matter things. Just gotta keep telling myself, the pain is temporary, when that time comes. In the meantime, I shall try to relax, and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy.
Yes, there’s been some stressful times. It could be me just being paranoid, when it comes to my mans drinking. But, compared to his co-workers, he’s pretty responsible. Not drunk everyday, and not on getting high on chemicals. So I gotta give him credit for that. Perhaps it’s just hearing how he used to be, and the fear he could fall back into old habits. But the truth is, compared to his past, he’s cut down a lot.
He’s told me, back in the day, he used to drink excessively to suppress horrible memories. He’s told me of some of them. He’s seen a lot of death within his life time that he blames himself for. But it’s really not his fault. So yeah, every now and then these memories haunt him. I just wish there was a way that I could help him leave the past behind, and focus on the present. There’s plenty to be grateful for in the present if you just look for it.
I guess having a creative outlet helps too. I’ve seen it work for other artists with addictions. Art has even helped me through some dark times, and depression. So I guess he just needs to re-connect with his creative outlet, and I believe that was music. The problem is, since he works so much, it’s finding the time. It’s kinda sad he’s not more connected to his passion.
I’m not saying he has an addiction, I’m saying he needs another, healthier way to cope with these memories rather than turning to drugs and alcohol. Not exactly chemicals, but marijuana. However, I’d rather him smoke marijuana than touch man-made chemicals. If that makes any sense. I mean, even alcohol is man-made. It has been the death of many members of my biological family.
And perhaps when he drinks while I’m pregnant bothers me because of my own personal domestic violent experience. My ex was all fucked up that morning, either hung over or coming down off some sort of high, when the assault occurred. At least that’s the impression he gave off. More moody than usual. So yeah, when I’m sober around someone that has been drinking, I get a bit on edge. I freak out internally thinking I’m in danger.
Another thing, men don’t seem to understand that when a woman is pregnant, the baby feels everything the mother feels emotionally. So why would you want to put her through any stress and anxiety in the first place? And above all, repeat that shit over and over. It’s getting to that point where if my man wants to drink, do it else where kind of thing. Not around me, my children, or our home which is to be a safe haven. I mean, clearly, it’s just going to upset me every time. so yeah, do it elsewhere.
I look back at my first pregnancy, and it’s no wonder my son has the amount of anxiety he does now. Heck, that’s what he experienced in the womb. There was a lot of drama taking place during that pregnancy.
Speaking of my son, and some of the complications he has within the educational system. He sounds a lot like me when I was a child. I wasn’t exactly the easiest pupil to teach. And when it came to learning to read and write, it was frustrating for me, to the point I was throwing fits. Knocking desks over and what not. I wanted to be doing other things. More creative things. Something that was brought to light over the weekend a little bit, when I talked to my childrens father. I guess a creative mind is hard to tame. Lol Perhaps my sons creativity is being expressed digitally through building things within video-games. Just a thought.
My mind kind of bounced all over the place again. This was suppose to be a blog about the baby, but apparently there’s been more on my mind as well.
I was told that my son is doing better these days in school, minus his homeroom. So hopefully that improves. Can’t help but find it peculiar that he refuses to sit down in that one class. Something set off his anxiety and scared him, what? Did that teacher yell at him? That would do it. I don’t yell at my children, unless it’s urgent like telling them to get off the road. Or they are doing that sibling rivalry thing where they bicker and fight with one another, and I raise my voice to distract what their doing. “ENOUGH!!” Lol Most of the time, talking to them face to face works fine. Talk to my child like a human being, and with respect, and he’ll usually return that behavior. Geez!! Teachers these days. Clueless.
On Friday, my man and I had some issues. He was drinking, and had the nerve to accuse me of taking pictures of him for blackmail. Seriously? That is just fuckin ridiculous! I am a shutter-bug, an artist. If I want to immortalize you in a moment, you should feel honored. Not insecure. It means I was admiring or cherishing you in a moment. So yeah, that kinda hurt my feelings. And I guess he’s not used to having his pictures all over FB, or being so open in the public. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dated and knocked up a blogger who puts her own life in the freakin spot light. No one can say shit about it if I’m the one saying shit first. I tell my own story. Is it my fault he wanted to be apart of my life, my story? No. That was his choice. Anyways, I had a hissy fit and removed all the pictures I had of him on Facebook. And refuse to take anymore if he’s going to be that way. It was like, “fine, you don’t want me to be that proud of you, then I won’t be” kinda thing. So, so far I’ve stuck to that. No more pictures. A friend said to respect his wishes. Sure. I can do that. It’s just fucked up that it never bothered him before. Until recently. But then again, he didn’t like the pictures of him cuddling pillows being on my FB. They were adorable. He looked peaceful, which is rare for him. But I guess he needs to look all manly and tough, or idiotic and drunk in order for pictures to be acceptable. So yeah, we got in a little fight over that. He says it was a misunderstanding, and that the word blackmail was the incorrect term to use. Well duuuh!
So even though we were bickering on Friday, we managed to sweep that shit aside for the sake of my children, and focus on giving them a good Halloween. Which turned our pretty good. Minus the rain, and a lot of the homes in this area weren’t giving out candy. It was still a good weekend. My daughter and my man even made banana bread together. She got so upset when she thought she left it behind in her backpack on the way back to her dads. Luckily we ran into the same bus we got off of, across the street, since it goes in a loop. So we got her backpack back.
So needless to say, things aren’t exactly perfect, but not exactly horrible either. We have our ups and downs like most couples. Thankfully, things are starting to look up again. Especially after seeing our baby’s ultrasound pics. Funny how children can put things back into perspective.Anyways, My man may not understand me as an Artist or a Blogger, but at least we can see eye to eye with our baby and our future.
Now on with my day! New School of Colour and Leads today. However I will have to leave New School of Colour early to make to my Leads appointment. But a little art time , is better than no art time at all. Until next time, peace and love!…Never-mind. Didn’t make it to the New School of Colour, but I will make it to Leads! Anyways, yeah. Once again, thanks for reading! – Pooks
Long time no see! I know, I’ve been slacking!
Life has been an amazing blur lately. I’ll try to recall what I can. The weeks have just been flying by.
I should probably start with…hmm… when was the last time I wrote something? Hold on! I must check!…May 23ird. So I think I should start with my weekend visit, May 23ird, and 24th. I didn’t lose my keys this time! Yaaaay!
Anyways, since my ex and the kids got to a slow start that morning. I had gotten a text message from my ex saying he was going to drop the kids off at my place directly, since they were running extremely late. They ended up being 2 hours late, but that gave me plenty of time to caffeinate. Haha!
During the weekend, we were indoors mostly. My son spent most of his time on the computer. There was odd time he’d ask for my help, to read things, or to sign him into his game. So I was on the floor playing with my daughter, with her Beanie Boos. Different scenarios, school, breaking into an evil scientists science lab…so on and so forth.
However, I did manage to get my daughter outdoors for a bit, and we played out front. We were playing with toy badminton rackets and a red plastic ball. That was pretty fun.
On Saturday, my son asked me not to make him a cake to celebrate his birthday, because he was full from eating cake at his Dad’s. Anyways. Saturday night, he changed his mind, and asked me to make it on Sunday. So Sunday was a rush of chores. But I somehow managed to complete it all just in the nick of time!
The exchange on Sunday took place at Merrymount. I know my ex would rather have them out of the picture. But better safe then sorry.
After the exchange at Merrymount, I went to go visit my boyfriend, and we went for coffee, and went for a walk through some trails with Molly, his dog. Which is where I captured the image below.
This is where it starts to become a blur…
I have been spending a lot more time with him lately. Through the week, if I’m not with him, I’m playing dice at a friends place, or out walking with another friend. I’m hardly ever home.
This past week, my boyfriend surprised me by taking me out for ice cream. I was so discombobulated on the way there. I was like “Where are we going? Where are you taking me?” Haha! But yeah, that was lovely surprise.
We did take a walk through Kilally Meadows. I’ve never walked through those trails before, so that was cool! Of coarse me being the shutter bug that I am, I did get some nice pics out there as well.
What else did we do? We went grocery shopping together. He took me to an Asian Food Market. And wow, I’ve seen, and have actually been trying new foods lately. Our first dinner together, he made me deer steak. But since then, I’ve tried rabbit, duck eggs, and sushi. I don’t know why I thought rabbit would be dark meat, but nope, it’s white meat.
Umm.. yeah, it’s strange. I’m normally not the cuddly type, but with him, I feel pretty damn safe. So yeah, I just want to cuddle all the time. Haha! So yeah. So much for my tough exterior, he’s turning me into a little ball of fluff.
Anyways…on Friday I had my 4 hour visit with my son. We did get some quality time walking together through the conservation area. My daughter was sick that day. However, she did make an effort to come out and see me, half way through the visit, but then puked on a swing. Poor thing. I hope she gets better soon. Anyways, I took her home, she got changed. And like the little trooper that she is, she tried to tough it out a little longer, and play at the park with mom. Aww… she really didn’t want to miss out on any time with her mama, sick or not.
This past weekend my boyfriend had made plans to go on a hiking adventure. But the weather wasn’t really cooperative. So we mostly stayed indoors. It was still very entertaining, because like my life, random things just happen in his. I got to chill with a couple of his friends, wither they came to visit, or if we went to visit them. It was a good rainy weekend that just kinda flew by.
Over the weekend my boyfriend was grateful that he got to sleep in and cuddle with me. Unlike weekdays, since he’s got work, and he needs to be awake at 5:30am. Although, if I’m there on weekdays, I’m awake at the crack of dawn with him.
Anyways, I think I found my fellow adventurous jester. He’s a bit of a prankster, more so than I. So that’s pretty awesome.
I missed Leads this week. I’m pretty sure the next appointment is booked for June 9th. The same day the New School of Colour reunites after a 2 week vacay. So yeah, I haven’t been painting or drawing lately. I’m kinda taking advantage of the break.
Oh yeah, and congrats to one of my besties for landing a job at Subway. Job searching #LikeABoss has paid off for her. She’s been very inspiring lately. Can’t help but admire that determination and persistence.
Newho, that’s enough babble from me. I should probably start getting ready to head out. As always, thanks for reading! – Pooks
“The world is full of wonderful things you haven’t seen yet. Don’t ever give up on the chance of seeing them.”
– J.K Rowling
Well so much for my vacation away from my blog. Things just keep popping up, thoughts, experiences, whatever…and I just feel that need to share.
Plus, I’m not sleeping that well. Didn’t sleep at all last night, even though I tried. I just tossed and turned. So I gave up that battle and said screw it!, just throw on the coffee and blog. You know you want to.
So here I am. Hi! 🙂 Haha!
I have been doing a couple mini-paintings, 12X16cm. Anyways, one of them is a continuation on what my last blog was about. The London, ON Coyote. The Fellow Wanderer. I wanted to share that. So here it is…
The next painting I will show you is pretty interesting, at least I think so. I have this obsession with 3 stars. So I made that the focus on this little work of art. It originally started off as a plain old composition piece. But then I added more layers over lapping each-other, and added some stenciling on top of that. I made the number 3 solid, and the rest of the numbers are just the outlines. And of coarse, I finished it off with 3 stars to finish it off.
Anyways, dedicated followers (from FB, and Twitter especially) may notice that within a lot of the stuff I do, photo edits, art, I often place 3 stars on it. Not in a straight line either. I don’t really understand it myself, on why I’m so uptight about it. It HAS TO BE 3 stars!! Not more, not less, 3.
I have some examples, FB covers…selfies….
Anyways, after I finished my painting, I decided to research possible reasoning for the 3 stars. What could possibly possess this urge to label the things I do with 3 stars? I started my search with constellations of coarse, a 3 star triangle, and voila! I find The Summer Triangle!
But what does it mean? The Summer Triangle consists of 3 stars; Vega, Deneb, and Altair. Now to break those down and what those symbolize.
Aquila/ Altair – represents an eagle/ Thunderbird of the Greeks. The bird of Zeus, in Greek mythology.
Deneb/ Cygnus – symbol of Soul.
Vega/ Lyra – “Vega’s name is derived from the Arabic Al Nasr al Waki, the Swooping Eagle, because it is depicted as an eagle, vulture, or falcon bearing a harp or lyre in it’s talons. It Babylonia, it was Dilgan, The Messenger of Light.” – author unknown, resource; http://www.souledout.org
A messenger of light, eh? That kind of makes sense for an artist. I mean, artists play with colour, and what is colour? Colour is light. So technically we play with light. As for a messenger, I did say in a previous post that my life is the message. Hopefully it will all come together one day and the message I leave behind makes sense. Haha! Fuck your money! That’s not my purpose here. It is the message I leave behind! Artists are messengers, that’s a pretty cool way of looking at it.
Newho, I’m not saying that is my reason for the stars, even though it is interesting. But it is possible, because quite honestly, I don’t know what possesses me to do so. I just do it, the stars are meant to be there, in their exact placement.
I should probably share the painting I did that got me babbling about all this in the first place… Tada!
I just wanted to share that with you folks, because I was just absolutely flabbergasted! You learn something new everyday, how exciting! 🙂 – Pooks
“I think that we are like stars. Something happens to burst us open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we ever were before!”
– C. Joybell. C
Looks like I’m typing more today than I thought. Thank you @canadian_makin via Twitter, for displaying the disgusting behavior on why I think I cannot trust anyone, or have any faith in humanity. Trust me, I was holding onto the tiniest of thread. But I am just shown that people are cruel over and over again.
As you see here, it’s like he automatically assumes I’m a “hobo” and a “tramp”. Why? Cuz I stuck up for the homeless? Or because I am coloured and I MUST be a hobo and tramp then. But then again, maybe the photo I ended my last blog post with, got the reaction I thought it would. It wouldn’t surprise me if he snooped around before making his judgement call.
The photo I ended my last blog was deliberate, and I was just waiting for a person to use it against me, so I can bring up my point on why I did so.
Does the photo I ended my last blog post make me a tramp? Here it is again.
Yes, it is nude, but still modest. I am still showing nothing, but clearly this has shocked and devastated a viewer. Why is that? Can a woman not love herself and want to capture and immortalize the moments of when she was a young woman? I’m not going to be 32 forever, I will age. I feel I should be proud of my femininity, and sexuality as a woman. Why is it shamed and ridiculed to capture? It’s not porn. Many photographers can take photos of women nude, and have it not be considered porn. But there is something wrong when I do it. Make any sense? A lot of discrimination these days.
And you wonder why I don’t like humans. Why I question my faith in humanity. Why should I give a fuck for people that don’t give a fuck about me? By all means poison and kill each-other like the dumb ass species you are. Continue to support a system that fails you time and time again. You are that fuckin stupid, sad, pathetic, and hopeless.
I’m starting to think I should stay away from social media sites like Facebook, and Twitter as much as possible. I only get hurt. Matter of fact, just stay away from people. Maybe the only people worth suffering any pain for are my children, every one else can just go fuck themselves. You are doing a good job of that anyways, fucking yourselves right over. The slow suicide of humanity. You let it happen. And you keep picking masters like they will change things. Haha! They never do. Shit just repeats itself. You silly fools. YOU change things. Stop depending on other people do shit for you. But I don’t know why I even bother to tell you that, no one listens to me anyways. So lets just pretend that I didn’t.
There is no revolution until you cowards overcome your fears, risk it all, destroy the illusions in front of you. If you really wanted change, you would destroy everything that oppresses you by now, and the people that claim they have power over you. So sorry, I don’t believe you. Revolution my ass!
But in order to do that, you all need to do that. And, that’s not happening. Too many stupid, ignorant people still supporting and defending the system that abuses them .I imagine this man, Dave, a.k.a @canadian_makin, is just one of those stupid blind fuckin sheep. He sure does act like one with his quick judgments. He thinks he’s so special, different from the “hobos” and “tramps”. Well…we’re all human. Hate to break that ego!
But that’s what you brain washed fucks train yourselves to believe. You got this graph of a pyramid ingrained in your heads, Capitalists at the top. Anyone at the bottom or close to it deserves to be shamed. How about you erase that fuckin pyramid in your mind, and replace it with a circle. That is the truth.
Anyways, rant over. Discrimination and oppression still exist. Nothing has changed.
I think my photo has done it’s job, bringing that to light. THAT is art. Now excuse me while I take a bow. I knew it would only take a matter of time before someone would freak out and say such things as “SLUT!” “WHORE!” “Sinner!” Or something along those lines.
Bravo @canadian_makin for being the first discriminating sexist douche to say something and prove my premeditated point. – Pooks
“Reducing a group to a slur or stereotype reduces us all.”
– DeShanne Stokes
Time to start thinking about what to write, this is my last blog post of 2014. I know, I promised a gratitude list, as well as a new years resolution…I’ll get to it.
I don’t really have much to write about if I write about this past week. I mean, I didn’t see my children for the holidays as I had thought I would. I thought I would see them on the 27th, and they would be over for the weekend. But yeah…holiday hours. Merrymount was closed. The exchange didn’t happen. So yeah, it was a very quiet Christmas. But I guess all that quiet time gave me an opportunity to be creative, in numerous ways. Not to mention, plenty of rest. I will see my children January 3ird though, and it will be awesome.
Now it’s time to show you what I have been doing. I’ll start off with a poem I wrote. Go to the link provided here if you’re interested in reading it. http://pooks82.weebly.com/pooks-poetry/see-with-your-eyes-closed
I also updated part of that website, the Photos of the Artist section, and added a Flashback Gallery. Which kinda gives you a glimpse into my past. You may notice a lot of the other faces have been edited and blurred out. But it’s symbolic in a way, bringing forth the neglected child into the spotlight. The only other person that is not blurred out would be my birth mother, Elizabeth King. My roots from which I came from. http://pooks82.weebly.com/photos-of-the-artist/flashback-gallery
I also did this painting that I called “Round Dance.” I attempted to do this abstract piece, that was experimenting with colour theory, mixing colours. The only colours I had to use were yellow and navy blue. Any variation in colour would have to be mixed between the two. So I was getting different shades of blue, and green. A lime colour, army green, even a greyish colour. It was very tedious trying to paint with the crappy brush I was using. My lines were getting sloppy, and for a perfectionist, that drives me insane! So I took it in a different direction, and added white paint. Painting with a bottle cap. I also added india ink, and let it drip freely as I flipped it around to get the ink moving. I recall using an old business card to swipe and swoosh with. You can kinda see my frustration in the piece. Haha! It turned out pretty cool though. Even though most of my green colours have been covered up by the layers. Some of the white paint mixed in with the india ink as it was drying. So watching the transformation was quite fascinating.
What else? Oh yeah. I take a lot of “selfies”, and have fun with photo editors. In this case, I played with this thought of meeting myself. The dark side of myself meets the light side of myself. Kinda like a Yin Yang image, but through a self-portrait. That was fun. Dress up one way, make up, hair, clothes, and what not for one shot. Then change again, different clothes, different make up for another shot, just to represent two sides of myself. I kinda wanted to capture that androgynous appeal I have as well. Then the magic begins. The photo editing and combining two separate images into one. The whole process must have taken me hours. But I did it. Voila! The masterpiece!
So yeah, that kinda displays some of what I have been up to. On to a gratitude list. I’ll start off with I’m grateful for all this spare time I had to create whatever my lil heart desires.
Now for a 2014 review…
I am grateful for…
…. my children and their love.
.. Well I think it’s obvious, is for those friendships that have come and gone. It’s been an awakening, and made me more grateful for those that do stick with me throughout my journey despite whatever I think or say. Offensive or not. I’m also grateful that they don’t try to take advantage of my time, or hold me responsible for someone I am not even responsible for.
… soup, and potatoes. some of muh fave foods.
… Merrymount. At the beginning of the year my visits changed from 2 hours to 7 hours. Then they changed to weekends. Every third Friday is a 4 hour visit and exchanges are elsewhere. My ex and I did try to do exchanges on our own for a while, that didn’t work out because of trust and communication issues. So thank Merrymount for taking us back on, and keeping everyone safe.
… the time and experience I had volunteering at The Arts Project, and the Ark Aid Street Mission. The Arts Project surrounds me with the art community, and environment, I love it. As for The Ark, oh wow. Have I ever grown and changed a lot since I first attended that place. My perspectives have changed, especially towards those experiencing poverty and homelessness. I find myself defending the homeless to this day against judgement and labels. They too are people.
… running into people I have volunteered with, and they recognize me, and stop to say hi. That’s cool.
… my neighbors and the numerous times they’ve helped me out. Either shoveling my path, or helping me out with sugar or smokes. Even mowing my front lawn a couple times.
… all the art shows I got to be a part of. Most of those experiences wouldn’t be if it weren’t for Jeremy Jeresky. He’s like a manager that way to the New School of colour artists. I guess he practically had to beg to get my painting into Up with Art 2014. Glad he did though, and it got in, because my art actually sold this year and it helped raise money for The Unity Project! Yaaaay!
…for all the people who have bought my art throughout the year. Including my “Brainwasher” oil painting. A painting that took me forever to complete.
… silly moments where I can laugh at myself.
… that I am true and as honest I am. That I am as expressive as I am, even if some people get disturbed by it. I keep it real.
… Food Not Bombs. I enjoyed their vegan meals a few times this year. Including Christmas Eve, and before the Santa Clause Parade
… being adventurous and spontaneous. Halloween, what a freakin night! Haha! Having a blast with complete strangers.
… Completing the Intro to Sociology Summer Intermission coarse at UWO. Even with the anxiety. Kudo’s! Bravo! Bravo! At least I got away with one credit before I got the boot due to “mental health.” Nyeh nyeh! 😛
… writing a book! Which I had always dreamed of doing. A collection of my art, artist statements, poetry, blog posts, etc…all rolled into one. I might do a continuation on that.
… water balloon fights with my children, and the other messy things we do. Get into food colouring…paint… walks through mud…Haha! They really bring out my inner-child. They bring out the best in me.
… all the summer festivals in London. Seriously, part of the reason why I love summer so much is because of the festivals and activities.
… the rain, and the numerous times I got rained on like a lil’ flower. Haha!
…the continuous learning. Even though I am no longer in school, I educate myself. And as I said before, there are places forming here in London, Free Schools, for the anti- capitalists, activists, anarchists, peace keepers, etc.
…being strong enough to dust myself off after that recent online Idle No More incident. I was feeling rather depressed, and losing faith in humanity. But like a long distant friend had said to me; “The world needs you.” Thank her for that. I’m not sure what for, but I do have a purpose here. My life is my message.
…My Leads worker. The workers I’ve had at Leads have all been amazing.
… my OW worker. Even though we got off to a rough start, I think we have gotten to a point where there’s respect. I think we understand better where we’re both coming from.
… my inspirations. H.R Giger, Salvador Dali, and a huge inspiration this year; Marilyn Manson
…being in touch with my biological family on FB. Apparently they are just as silly as me. It must run in the fam. Haha!
… the conservation areas in London. Sometimes it’s a nice getaway from the concrete jungle.
… for the days I do wake up early, and for those nights I do stay up late. It varies. I’m grateful for both.
… my numerous skills and talents. I’m not entirely sure how to incorporate them into society. But when it comes to creating for my own personal fun, I can do some amazing shit.
I’ll leave it as that for now when it comes to my gratitude list for 2014. I could keep going, but this blog post would clearly just go on and on. By doing that, I can see I had a pretty good year. Even if it did have some rough patches. I will make my 2015 awesome, wherever it takes me.
I don’t really have plans for New Years. I was supposed to be sitting here typing, but nope. I woke up early today and got an early start on this. I might go to a documentary film screening today around 5pm. That would give me something to do. But as for New Year celebrations…I don’t normally do anything.
My New Years Resolution…should be a goal that won’t lead to disappointment. Hm…To continue to become more Pooks, and what I think she is. Create more, write more, paint more, fight more for my beliefs and values, learn and grow more. That I believe I can do. So on that note, kiss 2014 good bye, and bring on 2015! I’m ready. – Pooks
“With rebellion, awareness is born.” – Albert Camus
I’ve been kinda procrastinating on blogging today. I don’t know why. It’s just one of those days where I think I don’t have anything to write. But as usual, type it out anyways.
Umm… I can’t really say I’ve been up to too much lately. I mean, last week I have been calling Merrymount over and over, until I got that all sorted out regarding my visits with my children. Turns out my ex has finally contacted them, and I have a visit arranged for this weekend. Pick up and drop offs at Merrymount, thank goodness!
It did kinda piss me off when my ex made that remark; “they will be in touch, if your still interested in your visits.” As I said before, I’ve always been interested in my visits with my kids. It’s HIM and his nonsense that I am not interested in.
Anyway, I didn’t book any days to be a floater at The Arts Project this month. I kinda wanted to focus on my personal issue here, and get my visits back in order. Not only that. But also put more time and energy into my job searching. I missed 2 more opportunities for interviews last week. My priority was focus on getting my visits back, and until I got that back in order, then I’d be okay to move forward with interviews. Not only that, but one interview was scheduled on November 5th, and I think being a part of the Million Mask March was more important. Even though the media disregards the cause, the voices of the people and the message we were trying to convey, and only focusing on “vandalism” (washable marker and chalk). Never listen to the media, they twist shit around. Reporters are puppets of the monetary fascist system, and only tell you what the elitists pay them to tell you, lies. I think you’re better off listening to your fellow people, the ones that actually live it.
Speaking of media, I’ve noticed that the media is focusing a lot lately on the negatives of EOA, East of Adelaide neighborhood. Suddenly they are focusing on stabbings, and fires, and where do they take place? EOA. I’m positive this shit happens in other parts of the city as well, even in the fancy suburbs, but it just goes unreported. Back to giving EOA a bad rep, inducing fear, even though the Old East Village was nominated and won as one of the Great Places in Canada. Congrats by the way! That neighborhood saved and changed my life. I couldn’t be more grateful for the Old East Village, the Ark Aid Street Mission, and Jeremy Jeresky for creating the New School of Colour. I love that community, my home away from home. It’s a place that accepts me, and that is hard to find in our society, believe me. Even though, my views on things are different from their own, I appreciate that a staff member at The Ark had said I was “exceptional”. That meant a lot. I’m accepted, even though it’s obvious, I’m not “normal”.
Anyways, I kinda got side tracked speaking of the media. But back to other things, such as my week. and job searching. I am a bit nervous. I scored another job interview for tomorrow, and I’m thinking about cancelling my Leads appointment to go to it. I could use the money after my crazy Halloween. I need to feed my kids during our visits, and there’s this camera I want on kijiji. It’s just like the one I had, until sand jammed the lens. Anyway, I’ve been designated as the New School of Colour’s photographer to document the programs activity. So an actual camera would come in handy rather than using my cellphone which images tend to blur sometimes. It’s funny, and I can laugh at it. But I know I can do better when it comes to photography. My ex sold me a camera a month or two ago, and it’s crap. Supposedly the wire was to charge it, but it didn’t, and the battery has no charger. So it’s dead, and that was a waste of money. Doubt I’ll find a charger for the battery it takes in any pawn shop. Ugh! Never again will I get something from such an unreliable source.
Anyway, since Christmas is around the corner, I don’t want to be empty handed. Even though my friends and family are pretty good, and understanding. My presence means more than presents. I’m grateful for that, but it would be nice to be able to give something. I could create art as gifts, but for my children, it would be nice to give them something they actually want. Although my son rarely plays with his toys, it’s becoming more of a collection thing.
I’ll say it again, I am nervous about this interview. Just job interviews period. Perhaps it’s the idea of sitting there, knowing that the other person is sitting there judging me. It’s very uncomfortable. And I cannot stand being put on the spot like that. I’m not really used to talking about myself, so it gets kinda awkward when people insist that I do. I’m always the listener, the observer. But whatever, go, give it a shot. If it goes well, great! If it doesn’t, at least ask on what improvements can be made during an interview so I can succeed in whatever interview comes next.
I normally don’t get this far. Actually attending the interviews. I can book interviews no problem, but attending them? I’d chicken out. Just think about my kids, go for their sake. If I want these visits, I need to go.
Maybe if my art sells in St. Thomas, I can buy myself a camera with that.
I should probably seriously consider getting funding for clothes from Ontario Works. My worker did say I was eligible for that. If I get this job, I will need to dress more to their standards, because majority of my wardrobe is tom-boyish. Baggy jeans, big sweaters, loose t-shirts, hats and tuques. Haha! I’ll need to dress like a fashionable “feminine” sales associate. So yeah, I should probably take advantage of that while I can.
Another thing, it’s starting to get cold out. I just want to shrivel up like a snail or slug without the goo. So motivating myself to step out into the cold becomes a challenge. I want to stay where it’s warm. Not stand out in the cold waiting around at bus stops. Another struggle I will have to overcome. Embrace the cold. Embrace the oncoming of winter.
It’s funny because every year I tell myself I’m gonna embrace it, but never do. I say I want to build a snow fort, or snow man, go sliding, go skating…etc etc, do things that will make me enjoy the winter. But no, as soon as I feel the cold, I’m like, fuck that shit! I’m going inside! Haha! Winter is coming, wither I like it or not. Hopefully this year I will make more of an effort.
Anyway, amazing how I thought I didn’t have much to write about, and voila, here are all these paragraphs. Surprises me each time. Don’t think about it, just do it.
Wish me luck on my interview! I’ll need it. It’s been awhile, so I’m kinda rusty. If I don’t get the job, I’ll try to stay optimistic about it, and view it as practice. First one in a long time. Fingers crossed. I may have to give up my Friday visits, but I’m gonna do my best to keep my sleep over weekends. Also, try to make it so I don’t have to work on Monday evenings, colliding with the New School of Colour. I need my art time. Like seriously, that is my healthy form of ventilation. My therapy. It’s good for my soul. Especially for an introvert that doesn’t express emotional things vocally. I’m more private that way. I express myself in silence, through writing and art. There’s no interference, and expression is a lot more powerful that way I find.
Thank you for reading. Sorry for the anticipation and suspense if you were waiting. It’s okay, I’m alive! I think I’ll leave it at that, and yeah…until next week, coffee cheers! – Pooks
As you can see I have been using art as an outlet. But now I lift the curtain, so to speak. If I get accused of slander, so be it. I hope so. By all means put the spotlight right on my blog, this situation could use more attention obviously. Especially as a highlight of the psychological abuse I have to tolerate when my ex plays with my access when it comes to my children, as if it were a yo-yo.
Hmmm… what else can be highlighted? Obviously the verbal abuse. My ex constantly putting my son down to the point my son no longer feels good about himself. Even his weight get’s mocked because my ex doesn’t like “fat people”. I’ve seen this before, with my own foster parents. My dad never used to be as big, but he constantly had his wife at the time putting him down. Kind of hard to be confident if someone is there to constantly criticize you. My dad turned to t.v and junkfood. My son, he’s turned to videogames and food. Videogames to ignore and shut out the world, and food for comfort. Sometimes he eats to the point he pukes. Not very healthy there, now is it?
Our son calls his dad a goof, a douche, says he’s stupid, dumb and annoying. Where could he be getting it from? Why is there so much anger towards his father? My ex says from school, from friends…but that’s what he does, points the finger everywhere else but at himself. From my visits, I witnessed my ex calling my son names. Even called our son Hitler at the dinner table. They bicker back and forth, and when my son say’s he cannot wait to grow up and put an axe in his fathers head, his father encourages this and says he looks forward to the physical altercation.
There is obviously favoritism, my ex favors our daughter over our son and treats our daughter very differently than our son. As I’ve mentioned before, he is more gentle. His tone of voice is even more gentle. Yet, with our son, there is no hesitation to yell at him and threaten him constantly. No wonder our son has anxiety. He is living in constant fear thanks to his father who thinks fear is the appropriate way to discipline the children.
The reason C.A.S let my ex take our children away from me was due to “cleanliness”. Note, I was cleaning up after his filthy ass without C.A.S even knowing of it, and yeah, gave up. Clean up your own filth. But if they saw his home now, his kitchen…it’s no wonder they were all sick not that long ago. Can’t touch anything in that room, or even the table they eat at, without getting some kind of sticky residue on you. I was constantly washing my hands while I was there for visits. Can you say health hazard? I mean, London Housing even warned him about the mess, did he do anything? No. It’s still a mess. Because he doesn’t do anything. The kids are just an extra pay cheque to him, more weed.
He keeps bouncing the kids from school to school, even if our son was finally doing well. Figures, they adjust to the changes, and just like that, their dad goes and disrupts that because he feels threatened by the school…again. At Wilton Grove, the school board was getting suspicious regarding our sons aggressive behavior. I was in question, although I think that assumption deteriorated once I showed up to the meeting and they met me in person…My ex was in question, and bam! The kids get pulled out of that school and placed into the Catholic School next door. He runs as soon as anyone suspects anything.
So, At the Catholic School next door to Wilton Grove, they were going to call the police because my ex wasn’t bringing in our children to school, and not notifying them with any reason of absence. The truth is, he’s lazy and sleeps in. Can’t blame the kids, they actually get up pretty early, and our daughter is the first to wake up. But of coarse, he can’t admit that. He’s a freakin godsend according to his ego. So instead of facing the school, the problem, he takes it as a personal threat, regardless if our children are doing well in that school, and pulls them out of that school to home-school instead. Hence why I wasn’t pleased with that decision, because it wasn’t based on our children at all, it was entirely selfish and based on himself…as usual.
He keeps running into problems with organizations within society, such as the schools, they aren’t stupid. Clearly they can see something is up.
Why don’t I report him to C.A.S? Haha! They made it more than obvious that they will not listen to any of my concerns. I mean, even our son knows the situation is messed up, he flat out asked me if I was assaulted by their father ( In December 2008), why are they ( him and his sister) living with their dad? Well son, our society is racist and since mommy is coloured, they will disregard the assault, and any other concerns regarding your father.
My ex is wishy-washy, and unstable. He can go from “we’re friends” to “we’re enemies” in an instant. Hence why I call him a schizophrenic. Funny how that health record stating he was a borderline schizophrenic miraculously disappeared. How convenient. Let’s focus on his edginess. It goes beyond anxiety. It’s paranoia. He walks around with things he can use as weapons, hidden in/or under his coat. There’s a sharp piece of metal he bent, he said it can poke out someones eyes. Around his neck, under his coat is a wire, which is intended for strangulation “if anyone decides to jump him” ( “it’s more clean & not as messy”) . In his home, he has a golf club ( he doesn’t play golf, and he said it would make a great weapon if it were to be used on someones head), a crowbar, and a samurai sword hidden in the rafters of his basement. Our daughter mentioned her fear of the sword, but was told that it is no longer in the house. But I was shown otherwise. Supposedly that was supposed to assure me of their safety. With the way he treats our son and I, I don’t see those as weapons of “safety” and defense. If anything, a red flag.
I seem to be blogging a lot lately, and using as many creative outlets as possible. I will, until I no longer feel the need and it is all out of my system.
The text messages and phone calls… as I said before, he’s the one contacting me. I would rather not hear from him over the week, especially if it’s regarding nonsense, and not an emergency. The random text messages out of the blue regarding the pants, and threatening my access over 2 pairs of pants. Phone calls how some girl is starting some drama. No idea why he was telling me that, let alone what he expected me to do about it. His problems with other women isn’t any of my business. Nor do I care. As long as our kids are fine. Who the fuck cares?! Getting accused for stealing money from him and tampering with his propane tank. Wow. As I said before and made it very clear within this blog, I despise money, so why the fuck would I steal it? And I think I got better things to do than go around sneaking in his neighborhood putting our children in danger. Seriously? That’s fuckin lame and ridiculous. Ya know? His mind is so far gone, I don’t even think he knows what’s real and unreal anymore. He’s somewhere else, it certainly isn’t here.
Anyway, what else? whomever he suspects is stealing from him, it shifts, TO THE PEOPLE HE LETS INTO HIS HOME! That makes more sense. The people he surrounds himself with are questionable. I never feel safe around his crowd. Addicts, Junkies, Alcoholics, petty thieves, hookers, criminal types. As long as you have weed, he’s your friend. I don’t even think he knows the definition of friendship. It seems to be based on people using people for something in return.
I’ve gotten text messages regarding if I have a printer… The only thing remotely close to an emergency regarding our children, via text messages or phone calls, was that he pulled our kids out of school. Turns out, that doesn’t really have anything to do with our kids, now does it?
During one of the visits he confessed that there is something about me that stresses him out. That has to do with me and my past of self mutilation. I don’t do that anymore, haven’t for years. He says he’s afraid to hurt my feelings. Haha! That changed rather quickly, he sure as hell isn’t afraid to use our children, and my access to hurt me if I so much as disagree with anything he says. Right, he’s so smart, he knows all. He’s so “godly”. Pssssh…. Get over yourself. If you want to talk about politics, religion, sociology, etc, expect and respect an opposite opinion. No 2 perspectives are the same. And anyone mature enough to converse of such things would be open to someone that challenges their thinking capabilities. Kind of funny he got so anal considering he was the one that told me before there were no absolutes, yet he sure seems mighty sure of himself and his opinion. No no no! Can’t disagree with him. He’ll power-trip you if you do, and not let you and your kids do anything for the remainder of the visit, but stare at a screen. Then he’ll cut your access from your children. Sounds like a bitch to me.
He keeps telling me to pick a side, God or Satan. I choose neither. Not only do I think it’s all a fiction, a hoax to control the masses of people when it comes to Religion, the Bible, Jesus, and God. Hell and Satan were invented to induce fear. When people are scared, they are easier to control. That is how abuse works. But why pick sides? That’s the problem with this freakin world. There always has to be a side. What if there isn’t a side, and we can just be? Accepting each-other regardless of our differences. Bible thumpers cannot see that perspective for some fucked up reason. Too brain-washed I guess. It’s all about division, and judgement with them. I admit, I’ve been struggling with my faith. I barely believe that there is even a Creator. As for the white mans religion, I sometimes think such things as how much it would make me laugh if their supposed god returned as a coloured woman. That would pop a lot of egos, and be highly amusing. But I doubt the return. And when I hear religious people babble on hallelujah, praise jesus! Amen! The power of Christ! He has returned! I think they are full of shit. They all come off as crazy to me. I’m sure when they hear my perspectives, they think I’m crazy as well. So yay! We’re even. Maybe your creator isn’t ever going to come back because it has been divided into each and every single living entity. Until there is unity, there is no “return” so to speak. No peace. No “heaven on earth”, because we’re too dumb and would rather continue to live as slaves in our own personal hell we created. It is what we make it. Isn’t that what we were supposedly given, free will? Let the Capitalist rule. See what happens when you put humans in charge when humans are not meant to lead. Let alone capable without corruption. That’s another way to look at it I guess. If you really go far back, as my ex claims he has, but obviously hasn’t. God= The Sun. The “giver of life”. You praise the damn sunshine you nut bars, and have been for centuries! It’s all astrology. And I am a reflection of light you imagined here, because yes, your mind is that freakin powerful. We all are, you just don’t believe it.
Anyway, my ex clearly trolls my blog, has been for years. I mean, seriously? He thinks he can suddenly sweet talk me with my interest in sociology? Dude, your ship has sailed a long time ago, and it isn’t ever going to come back. “You’re such a vampire.” Haha! Where else could you have gotten that idea of me, besides this blog where I given that analogy where I’m like a vampire. I don’t go anywhere, unless invited. And there’s been other numerous hints that yeah, he’s my number one troll. Get a life.
He says I’m not scary, but he’s sure afraid of my energy when I’m angry. That’s because I know how to use it. How to transform it. I’ve been sharing my story of us for years, and thanks to his B.S it is just ongoing. Why the fuck should I protect his face and name? I’ve lost all fucks given. He sure as hell doesn’t hesitate to bring my name up numerous times. Now we’re equal. Balanced so to speak. If you want to be the negative impact in my life, I will write and draw it out. It will be recorded, and become history. He chose to be immortalized as the bitch, and the douche in our story with the never ending abuse. – Pooks
“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”- Lundy Bancroft